I think that I’m the original, but so do they.
July 18, 2018 5:59 PM   Subscribe

Alice Bell at Rock Paper Shotgun asks game industry insiders: what would you do to a clone of yourself?

“You enter a room. The door locks behind you. From a door opposite another you enters. This other you is a perfectly identical clone, created in the exact instant you entered the room, but as every second ticks by they are creating their own distinct personhood. The doors will unlock in 90 minutes. Nobody will ever know what happens in the room. What do you do?”

Jason Rohrer:
From the moment of cloning onward, I can no longer tell that I’m the original. Furthermore, whatever my plan is going to be, their plan is going to be the same. I can imagine a bizarre, exact reverse-mirror-image routine unfurling for quite a long time until chaotic micro forces (air currents, etc.) cause gradual divergence in our behavior. I raise and eyebrow just at the same moment that they raise their eyebrow. I raise my left hand just as they raise their left hand. I reach for the gun, and so do they…
Deconstructeam:
“Kill the clones,” we all said at the same time, leading us to a bitter realization. Who were the clones? We all had memories of cloning ourselves. Moreover, can we even kill? We couldn’t kill a stranger so, someone with our own face and memories? Death was not a possibility.
Laura Michet:
The principle I hold sacred about interacting with my clone and is that we must both make the same sacrifices or we will be jealous of one another. Anyone would be. This is a universal principle, I am sure, and it could help all people and their clones. If there is something you cannot share, you must both abandon it.
SWERY, aka Hidetaka Suehiro:
When it’s all said and done, we’ll probably end up killing each other in a bloody battle over who gets the right to keep the cats.
posted by We had a deal, Kyle (69 comments total) 9 users marked this as a favorite
 
Well since it's me, it would know I want to uh... Explore myself. I mean you know isn't that everyone's fantasy or am I just weird?
posted by symbioid at 6:12 PM on July 18, 2018 [18 favorites]


my_own_clone_now_neither_of_us_will_be_virgins.jpg
posted by J.K. Seazer at 6:15 PM on July 18, 2018 [4 favorites]


I like Michet's point as extracted above, but I don't know why this principle would apply to your clone rather than to all other people. Now to actually read the links.
posted by the antecedent of that pronoun at 6:16 PM on July 18, 2018 [2 favorites]


I would find a way to repeat this process a few more times. I have fantasized many times about creating the ideal 10 person raid team for World of Warcraft, or 6 person raid team for Destiny 2. Lacking suitable candidates among any of the people I know in real life, I long ago concluded the only method of achieving this is to clone myself multiple times.
posted by xdvesper at 6:21 PM on July 18, 2018 [3 favorites]


If you wouldn't make out with yourself you are wasting this technology.
posted by Space Coyote at 6:25 PM on July 18, 2018 [14 favorites]


Yeah, I’d definitely create more than one clone — after all, the Prophecy of the Thousandfold King won’t just go fulfilling itself, now will it?
posted by aramaic at 6:35 PM on July 18, 2018 [1 favorite]


Does it count as incest if it is your clone?

Cause yeah, that's gonna happen. The argument is who gets to top/bottom first.
posted by FleetMind at 6:36 PM on July 18, 2018 [4 favorites]




Asimov's response.
posted by mono blanco at 6:49 PM on July 18, 2018 [1 favorite]


I guess for me the question is what happens afterwards - does the clone disappear after the 90 minutes are up? Or does it stay with you (do you stay with it?).

The other point is how do you know for a fact that 'you' aren't the clone?
posted by coberh at 6:49 PM on July 18, 2018


If I don't role system shock, gonna have to kill the fucker.
posted by clavdivs at 6:50 PM on July 18, 2018 [1 favorite]


what would you do to a clone of yourself?

We all know the answer. The only real question is, "is this incest or masturbation?"
posted by ricochet biscuit at 6:56 PM on July 18, 2018 [5 favorites]


We'd end up fighting to decide which one of us gets eternal rest, and which one has to keep slogging through the motions.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 7:09 PM on July 18, 2018 [9 favorites]


I don't want to fuck or fight my clone.

Honestly, I'd take the opportunity to see me as others see me.
posted by Merus at 7:22 PM on July 18, 2018 [16 favorites]


As a teenager I thought of this scenario as "the Dad test". For my dad, I was quite convinced that by far the most likely scenario was one dead, one barely alive (but giddily triumphant!). I on the other hand would have made eye contact once, said something like "oh, it's you" and then spent the rest of the experiment looking around the chamber for a book to read or something.
posted by Humanzee at 7:24 PM on July 18, 2018 [2 favorites]


I'm really unconvinced by the "Fight or Fuck" proposal. I mean, maybe I'm just not that self-loathing, but I wouldn't be up for punching myself, and on the other side, you're basically guaranteed to have a terrible time. After all, you're literally the least qualified person in the world on the subject of "having sex with you".

At which point it goes to the "Is this lifetime or just 90 minutes and then the clone melts into goo?" question, so assuming the latter it'd probably be "Figure out how to break synchronization, then each person assumes they're the clone and goes back and forth trying to vocalize all the things which we thought but didn't want to ask, so that whichever of us survived would have the best out of it"

If it were permanent I'm not sure if I'd want to be around a gradually-diverging version of myself *all* the time, splitting jobs would be difficult since I'd never have that continuity-of-state so I'd necessarily be a worse worker (though I could double my throughput if I could sneakily duplicate my work tools), but separating out entirely would be tricky come tax time or SSI evaluation.
posted by CrystalDave at 7:26 PM on July 18, 2018 [1 favorite]


Playing it out in my head, in order of what came to mind...

I'd ask myself which was the real clone.

Then I'd try to kill myself for asking such a dumb question, thereby proving that I was a false and imperfect copy of myself, immediately followed by me screaming "Oh god it's a trick question! We're both the real me! We're perfect copies!" Immediately ending hostility.

Then there would be evil grinning and plotting. Possibly cackling.

At some point the question of stealing the cloning technology would be raised, but then I'd have to figure out how not to Anaander Mianaai myself, realize that there were really diminishing returns and increased risk after two copies, and go back to other plotting.
posted by Zalzidrax at 7:29 PM on July 18, 2018


what would you do to a clone of yourself?

Commiserate.
posted by Greg_Ace at 7:32 PM on July 18, 2018 [23 favorites]


I guess that I'd extend clone me the same courtesy I'd extend anyone else. Since he also, probably, thinks this, then I wouldn't be afraid of my safety.

There'd be a problem with finances, though. I only have a single SSN, tax profile, line of credit, and bank account, but would now be at least partially responsible for a second body. Since my primary career is working from home on a computer, we could work out a system where we split those tasks, and then whoever isn't currently working goes out and does some side-job. We wouldn't share a brain anymore, though, so we'd have to have regular meetings. Potentially, though, I could increase my income substantially.

It would also be impossible for us to be seen around friends or family, so we'd have to work that out as well. I bet that this is where jealousy would start to set in, but I'm not killing another being because of inconvenience, so we'd make it work, I bet.
posted by codacorolla at 8:11 PM on July 18, 2018 [4 favorites]


Easy.

*Presses Start button on controller*

PLAYER TWO HAS ENTERED THE GAME.
posted by delfin at 8:13 PM on July 18, 2018 [9 favorites]


We would immediately start discussing the A: legal, B: familial, and C: performance art implications of this. I am not my type, and can understand killing my clone for practical reasons but don't think I have it in me.
posted by solarion at 8:17 PM on July 18, 2018 [2 favorites]




you're literally the least qualified person in the world on the subject of "having sex with you".

MeFite, please. I am, far and away, the #1 all-time champion expert on that subject.
posted by Halloween Jack at 8:30 PM on July 18, 2018 [15 favorites]


Unmm, yeah. So does he have his own 401K, SSN, and fingerprints? If not, shiv time.
posted by RobotVoodooPower at 8:38 PM on July 18, 2018


God I hate that smug bitch. She thinks she's so realized. In reality she leaks anxiety and judgements like jello left on the counter too long. No one's buying your peace n bliss shtick honey, time to teach you a lesson. And I'm the perfect person for it.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 9:11 PM on July 18, 2018 [3 favorites]


As a middle class white gay man in an urban center I know the answer to the question what do you do if you meet your clone.

You buy a terrier together.
posted by The Whelk at 9:12 PM on July 18, 2018 [24 favorites]




I’d ask if it felt okay. I’m pretty certain in what I’ve experienced and my first concern would be that a fully formed clone could deal with what I gave it. The clone would probably be looking at me as an “it” as well and hoping it (I) was okay too.

And hopefully I’d see something that makes me feel better about being me.
posted by nikaspark at 10:42 PM on July 18, 2018 [2 favorites]


We'd have to decide which of us commits the crime and which of us provides the perfect alibi.
posted by justsomebodythatyouusedtoknow at 10:45 PM on July 18, 2018 [12 favorites]


I'd have my clone join my band on keys and harmonies.
posted by misterbee at 10:58 PM on July 18, 2018 [1 favorite]


*Dipper is confronted by his many clones*

tag yourself I'm Paper Jam Dipper
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 11:24 PM on July 18, 2018


This is topic has already been thoroughly evaluated by one of Cracked's great minds.

From the article, by the writer of the article, Alice Bee:

Almost ten years ago I read a post on Cracked (back when Cracked was, I dunno, still a legit thing?) about what you would do if you were locked in a room with a clone of yourself. The piece has not aged well. But it has stayed with me.The writer, Daniel O’Brien, posits that the only real options when locked in a room with a clone are to fight, or to fuck (or possibly both). I disagree. I think, unless you’re asexual, there is only one option. And you all know which one it is.
posted by Pendragon at 2:31 AM on July 19, 2018


Since you can’t quantum copy, I guess my clone and I would be trying to figure out if the classical approximation to perfect copies that we embody would be distinguishable; in other words, my first order of business would be to figure out if quantum mechanics has any bearing on cognition whatsoever.

Then it’s fuck/marry/kill time, sure. I like the middle option!
posted by nat at 2:59 AM on July 19, 2018 [1 favorite]


"OK, so what exactly is that fucking thing at the top of my ass crack? Do you think it can safely be cut or abraded off?"

Love the idea from Laura Michet of individuating.

New nicknames: Ed / Bud
New hairstyles: prodigy style anti-mohawk, crazy long goatee / totally bald and free unshaven beard
Dress style: blue coveralls / white coveralls
Catchphrase: Heynow / I am Bud
posted by Meatbomb at 3:04 AM on July 19, 2018 [1 favorite]


No Calvin and Hobbes references? I am disappoint.
posted by booooooze at 3:16 AM on July 19, 2018 [2 favorites]


In some order, solve the problem of what haircut suits us, sex, how do we make a third clone for a threesome, build our creative partnership and what would a equal partnership look like.

If I'm honest though, the time won't be split equally between each one.
posted by eyeofthetiger at 3:55 AM on July 19, 2018


Can I bring a super long trenchcoat? Because just one of us would be leaving that room. What? No, I've always been this tall.

Then: off to the world's glittering capitals, and heists.
posted by phooky at 4:27 AM on July 19, 2018 [1 favorite]


My first reaction was "I'd need to have a conversation with this dude", so I don't know what that says about me
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 5:40 AM on July 19, 2018


My first reaction was "I'd need to have a conversation with this dude"

Yeah, if this process is bad-TV style cloning, where the clone has all your memories and thought processes, that's going to be kind of dull. On the other hand, a clone wouldn't have the physical trauma you have had and consequent bodily changes: I could, for the first time in decades, see what I look like without that scar above my eyebrow.

Or if we do the other thing, with a foreskin.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 5:55 AM on July 19, 2018


I'm not a confrontational or violent person in any sense (vegan greenie) so I can't see myself wanting to harm my clone (is this just an allusion to all the movies and books where this happens or do people really think it will happen?). I'm also not my type so there'll be none of that sex business, though I wouldn't see it as masturbation since they're a different person from me starting from the moment they exist. They'd know that they were the clone since they have my memories (of walking into the room and seeing their door, which they enter after the fact).

In the scenario where the clone would disappear once the 90 mins was up/once I leave the room:
Probably I'd ask if there's anything she'd like to do, then we could do those. We'd take a picture or video together- I'm strongly camera shy but I'd want to capture this. I'd bring artwork or writing so we could work on something fun together that I can remember her by. Or just work that I need finishing- I'm pretty go-with-the-flow so if a double of me said right, you're a clone of me and you'll disappear in 90 mins, can you help me finish this work given that we'd probably be pretty in tune with what it should look like, I'd go, yeah ok. I'd bring in instruments and try some kind of duet with her- I'd probably achieve closer interpretational harmony than I do playing with other musicians. Or try one of the pieces that I'd love to do except that I can't sing and play at the same time, and it would kind of still count as me doing both parts. I'd work out some things in my head out loud with my clone, since some things are mostly unprocessed (my anxiety and OCD) from not having anyone I trust to talk them through with, and I know that my clone will get it and respond in a useful way.

In the scenario where she stays in the world:
If the scientists wanted to do tests on her I'd stick around to support her. I'd introduce her to everyone when we get out. I want to try so many things, so I know she'd be happy to take on a new identity and do those. She can do the things that aren't practical for me due to my life choices (dyeing my hair, getting tatts, living overseas, giving my family some grandkids to coo over, have a 9-5 job, build robots, that sort of stuff). We're both so introverted that I can't imagine we'd want to live together, but I'd be happy to stay in contact. If she wants to stay in the career I'm in now we can potentially work on projects together. We could do things together we're otherwise too shy to do alone, such as going to plant trees or volunteer in a soup kitchen or picking up rubbish or something. If she doesn't want to be known by anyone in my life and carve out a life for herself that's cool too.

I think I'd think more like 'what would I do with her' rather than 'what would I do to her'.
posted by womb of things to be and tomb of things that were at 6:13 AM on July 19, 2018 [4 favorites]


Me, too. I would sing all the duets that I can never find anyone to sing with me. Probably record some of them, too. And while I'm not my type either, I can see how making out could be fun... or a cuddle, at least. Maybe take a bath together? Physical and intimate but not necessarily sexual.

Okay, singing in the tub it is.
posted by Too-Ticky at 6:25 AM on July 19, 2018 [3 favorites]


I'd say "sex" is definitely on the table, along with dressup and makeover because I never find myself in a private space with queer people who are on the same wavelength.
posted by GenderNullPointerException at 6:26 AM on July 19, 2018


I just brought myself to freaking tears (straight out, at work, thank god my office mate is out today) with the realization that I'd probably just want to hold her for a long time and not necessarily say anything.

(Although I like the singing duets idea, now that I see it.)
posted by dlugoczaj at 6:49 AM on July 19, 2018 [6 favorites]


Oh man, I just realized I'd finally have somebody to play boardgames with. So we'll do that.

Then we'll get mountain bikes and go exploring!

Cue the Harry Nilsson
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 6:52 AM on July 19, 2018


Oh man, I just realized I'd finally have somebody to play boardgames with. So we'll do that.

For the first time in 25 years, I might have someone in my life interested in regular table-top RPG sessions!
posted by GenderNullPointerException at 7:01 AM on July 19, 2018 [2 favorites]




GenderNullPointerException, oh hell yeah! Let's get that VG Vietnam campaign set up, quick! I have been waiting for you all my life...
posted by Meatbomb at 7:07 AM on July 19, 2018


Gives a whole new meaning to the phrase, "go fuck yourself."
posted by slogger at 7:25 AM on July 19, 2018


Is there a freezer nearby?

Someday I may need some kind of organ transplant.
posted by delfin at 7:44 AM on July 19, 2018


Interpretive dance.

(Spoilers for Annihilation.)
posted by tobascodagama at 8:05 AM on July 19, 2018 [1 favorite]


Gay for a day. If I'm going to test-drive sex with men, what better way is there than to do it with my clone and compare notes?
posted by pracowity at 8:17 AM on July 19, 2018


Killing it is completely infeasible. You can't kill your clone. How? Is the room filled with weapons? Is that our assumption ( Of course it is USA USA!!! We can't imagine a room without a weapon)

Are you going to choke it out? Sneak up behind it in a locked room? Even if you do win a choke battle, it's going to have done some damage since you are both the same strength, and so you come out of the room worse for the wear, probably injured and having killed someone. There is no upside.

BTW, plenty of people have essentially been through this before , ie stuck in an elevator. Mostly you just make small talk and have to pee. The only thing a clone adds is I'd probably ask to check the sides of me I can't see.
posted by The_Vegetables at 8:22 AM on July 19, 2018 [1 favorite]


We would both have panic attacks. We'd share Buspirone and vodka. After that who knows?
posted by Splunge at 8:35 AM on July 19, 2018 [1 favorite]


Several of the respondents in the article point out that both can't share the original's life, so one has to get that, and the other sets out to build a new life with their own identity.

But that assumes that both want their original life. What happens when both see this as an opportunity to create a completely new life, and neither wants to go back to their old one?

In that case, the solution is simple: spend the 90 minutes working out the details, and then when they emerge, go and tell their family and friends that they are both clones, and sadly, the original was killed by whatever being or force set this up in the first place. And they will both be leaving everything behind to establish new lives and identities.

To be fair, they can't be sure that's not what actually happened anyway.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 9:05 AM on July 19, 2018 [1 favorite]


I've endured 90 minutes of awkward silence with worse people than myself
posted by prize bull octorok at 10:14 AM on July 19, 2018 [1 favorite]


Y'all are too ambitious. We'd be too

a) disgusted by our own appearance since it's not mirrored
b) horrified by the sound of our own voice

to do much at all.
posted by Memo at 11:23 AM on July 19, 2018 [7 favorites]


It would be fun to determine how much, if at all, our thought processes diverge after separating. If we took turns trying to guess what the other was thinking would we be able to? Or would our mental processes diverge the moment our shared experience ends? After that I imagine we'd work out an equitable arrangement where we split up our responsibilities to double our free time.
posted by Mr.Encyclopedia at 12:14 PM on July 19, 2018 [1 favorite]


Paging John Crichton...

As with these questions, I think Farscape encapsulated my response to these situations perfectly
posted by The Power Nap at 3:00 PM on July 19, 2018


I think I would share our life with my clone. The hassles would more than be made up for the opportunity to split responsibilities. I am not sure how my wife would feel, but hey, we outvote her now.
posted by quillbreaker at 4:53 PM on July 19, 2018 [2 favorites]


Actually John Varley has this early in his book, The Ophiuchi Hotline. I leave it to the reader to discover what happens. :)
posted by Splunge at 5:10 PM on July 19, 2018


Y'all got a point, instead of hate myself I could finally live the hippie double life of my dreams. I'll finance my own enlightenment, brazen affairs and "fuck-it" hair styles.

Actually all this exercise prooves is how repressed I am.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 10:15 AM on July 20, 2018


I was thinking that a more interesting thought experiment is the inverse:
Imagine that you wake up on an operating table, with the last memory being a person offering you the chance to participate in a once in a lifetime experiment on cloning. You get up, put on a hospital gown, and go into the next room to find an exact copy of you standing fully dressed in your nicest outfit, next to the scientist person, who tells you that you are a clone of the double.
posted by codacorolla at 12:32 PM on July 20, 2018


I'd make him get two jobs.
posted by y2karl at 12:45 PM on July 20, 2018


I'd inspect, personally and close-up, that itchy spot on my back that can't possibly be that itchy and not have any visible cause.
And then we'd take turns scratching eachother's back.
posted by ApathyGirl at 3:02 PM on July 20, 2018 [2 favorites]


My comment was ambiguous; I the original would live my current life and the clone gets to flaunt social norms.

If *I* woke up as the clone (!) I'm grabbing her credit card and running to the monastery... After the statement haircut and senseless artistic passion affairs.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 3:11 PM on July 20, 2018


I would join forces with my clone and force the scientists to clone each of us again.

Then each of those, and so on.

Eventually the world would be consumed by what scientists would call the "grey delfin goo" catastrophe.
posted by delfin at 3:33 PM on July 20, 2018 [1 favorite]


We would take turns squeezing those hard-to-reach blackheads on each other.
posted by Jacqueline at 4:00 PM on July 20, 2018 [1 favorite]


*Dipper is confronted by his many clones*

tag yourself I'm Paper Jam Dipper
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 1:24 AM on July 19


This is one of those situations where I feel like I should have something to say...
posted by MrBadExample at 6:57 PM on July 20, 2018 [1 favorite]


What happens afterwards: One of us would continue to advance up the career ladder, eventually marrying a co-worker while the other becomes a resistance fighter who is (probably) killed in the run up to a brutal, interplanetary war.
posted by MikeKD at 9:31 PM on July 20, 2018 [2 favorites]


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