How I've Navigated Sex And Consent As A Hard-Of-Hearing Person
July 24, 2018 9:20 AM   Subscribe

When you have hearing loss, as I do, sex is always a gamble. "Hearing is intimacy. It’s longing. Hope. Connection. A series of grand and momentous and pointless unities that most of us take for granted. Every interaction, from the briefest encounter with a barista to the most intimate sexual exchanges, becomes a question for me. I’m never sure I’ve gotten it right. I’m never sure I’ve understood you correctly."
posted by AFABulous (28 comments total) 41 users marked this as a favorite


 
Change up the pronouns and I feel like I wrote this in my sleep.
posted by AFABulous at 9:22 AM on July 24, 2018 [2 favorites]


It is not just sex. Any interaction is fraught with danger from mishearing.
I was quite surprised to find how much I rely on lip reading without knowing I did it especially when in a crowd.
posted by Burn_IT at 9:52 AM on July 24, 2018 [8 favorites]


Yeah, reading about the possible pitfalls in dating and sex made it clear to me that these would certainly extend to all interactions. Good read.
posted by Secretariat at 10:18 AM on July 24, 2018


I read this this morning and thought it was absolutely excellent. Anna Pulley is great. I'm going to keep this on hand to give to certain of my patients. I love how she addressed both the actual danger hearing loss can sometimes place you in along with the scary-in-a-different-way anxieties you can face even in enthusiastically consensual settings.

You know people who have hearing loss and are struggling with it, but, like the article points out, you probably don't know it, and maybe they don't. The person at the noisy bar who seems to mostly nod and laugh when other people do, or the person who overly dominates the conversation. The person who focuses on your mouth when you talk and doesn't seem to understand you well in dark places. The person at work who is talking less and less in meetings, or is more tired than normal after heavy communication days. The person who increasingly avoids the phone. The person who seems to be a totally different in person in a quiet room and a noisy room. Be kind, be patient. Consider checking in if you have that sort of relationship. Hearing loss is an invisible disability with a boatload of stigma and it's hard to get help. People don't until it's gotten really bad. Articles like this are so incredibly important to try and change this. Often "getting help" doesn't even mean a hearing aid - often it's just talking to someone and having some confirmation that you're not making it up or imagining that you're struggling, and learning that so many millions of people face the same thing.

Thanks for posting!
posted by Lutoslawski at 10:38 AM on July 24, 2018 [30 favorites]


Very informative! Thank you!
posted by greermahoney at 10:43 AM on July 24, 2018


It me
posted by nikaspark at 10:45 AM on July 24, 2018


I love this so so much.
posted by Braeburn at 11:00 AM on July 24, 2018


"The stigma of deafness is so great that most people don’t want to acknowledge it, let alone treat it."

This. This is what drives me nuts. The microphones in my hearing aids are behind my ears, rather than facing forward where they'd do more good. Every hearing aid is advertised as "discreet". Like we're all supposed to be ashamed of a disability.

I keep wishing someone would make a hearing aid that faces forward, that fits like an earring or an ear clip. I'd buy it in a minute.
posted by still_wears_a_hat at 11:00 AM on July 24, 2018 [20 favorites]


Every hearing aid is advertised as "discreet". Like we're all supposed to be ashamed of a disability.

This drives me nuts too. I'd like to think it's changing a little. A lot of my younger patients really embrace it - they get cool colored hearing aids and bright earmolds and are just in general more comfortable wearing a bunch of technology. Now that the hearing aids all stream their phones and can even hook up to ITTT channels and stuff seems to help as well.

(and just fyi, your hearing aid microphones sit on the top of your ear, but they're omnidirectional, so they actually do pick up sound more or less equally from all directions! In fact you probably have two mics on each hearing aid which means they can zoom forward and block sounds from the back in certain situations, which is pretty nifty).
posted by Lutoslawski at 11:08 AM on July 24, 2018 [10 favorites]


I still struggle to “come out” — to partners, to bosses, to friends, to health care providers, and to people who may be flirting with me or simply asking for directions.

“The biggest challenge is how women react when I explain that I have hearing loss. Most of the time they run the opposite direction once I open up about it.”


Hoo boy yes. There's never a good time to bring it up, and the responses are usually Not Great. People generally retreat in one form or another, not knowing how to handle it (A: Be cool, don't worry, I will let you know what I need). And there's my own struggle leading up to that point of revelation -- do I bring up my disability with this near stranger when that's pretty personal stuff I'd like to keep to myself for now, thank you, or do I let these miscommunications keep building up which gives the impression I'm a moron? And there's a significant number of people who simply cannot handle having to deal with a disabled person, for whatever fucked-up reason personal to them.

That said, I've not had many of these problems when it comes to sex communication. I can hear much better in those smaller, private spaces. My hearing impairment is of much greater impact in the dating part, as any public space where I'm likely to be on a date -- restaurants, cafes, bars, whatever -- is pretty much guaranteed to be terrible for me to hear anything in.

For me, it's the socializing aspect that is of much, much greater significance than any impact on sex -- if we've ended up in the bedroom, things have probably gone OK so far. Let's try getting there, first.
posted by Capt. Renault at 11:15 AM on July 24, 2018 [5 favorites]


I'm an old dude who just got hearing aids. I didn't want to until I discovered that new ones stream from my phone and have an app for adjustments. Now they're not a symbol of body failure, they are cool toys!

I've had students with prothetic limbs. They used to be disguised as flesh. Now, I notice they are often proudly displayed high-tech carbon fiber. It it possible attitudes are evolving?
posted by cccorlew at 11:41 AM on July 24, 2018 [9 favorites]


Every hearing aid is advertised as "discreet". Like we're all supposed to be ashamed of a disability.

I've worn hearing aids since I was 5 so I never internalized the shame and it's really hard for me to understand. Most people aren't ashamed to wear glasses.

People think I'm stuck up or standoffish or shy because I don't talk in groups at parties. I often don't know what's being discussed and if I pick up on something ("Paris... concert") I'm afraid to say something because I could have totally misunderstood ("Oh yeah, how did you like Paris?" "Uhhh we're talking about the terrorist attack.") I wish people understood how much effort it is to keep up in a conversation, or to watch a movie without captions. Lots of my friends go to spoken-word poetry and similar events, but I stopped because I get too frustrated trying to understand the speaker.

Another factor is speech. I had therapy for years as a kid but I still have traces of an "accent" commonly associated with d/Deaf people. I have more struggles being understood on the phone than I do understanding the other person. I really think it's one of the things hampering my job search (along with the fact that I don't sound as masculine as people might expect). Everyone does phone interviews now.

I'm glad for these articles because they give some insight into a world most people have never thought about.
posted by AFABulous at 12:12 PM on July 24, 2018 [23 favorites]


For me, it's the socializing aspect that is of much, much greater significance than any impact on sex

I find these aren't independent. Like the extra strain I have to put into hearing someone in crowded places, or places with lots of low frequency background noise, puts such a strain on me -- and sometimes is physically painful? -- that it makes connection a lot harder. Like my body is interpreting danger signals, to some degree, because it's confused and there's some pain; it's gonna be less open to delighting in someone.

I don't know if I'm hearing impaired, by the way. I've always scored well on those hearing tests, but those are like...isolated tones against silence. That's not where I have a problem. Whatever that tiny muscle is that helps you filter out background noise? in me, that is not working so well. Or it's working too well. Whatever it is, it's not activating and inactivating in response to the environment, as it should, and it's frustrating as hell.
posted by schadenfrau at 12:20 PM on July 24, 2018 [7 favorites]


your hearing aid microphones sit on the top of your ear, but they're omnidirectional, so they actually do pick up sound more or less equally from all directions

Yes, but don't my ears block some of the sound from the front? I know I used to cup one ear with my hand, and have seen dozens of other people do that, I assume just to improve the mechanics (wrong word, I'm sure) of the sound. And I'd almost always rather have the best sound from the front. I do have adjustments for that, but they're not very good.

Also, with my mics where they are, I get rubbing from my hair and my hats. I do think I'll try the colored hearing aids and bright earmolds approach next time.
posted by still_wears_a_hat at 12:28 PM on July 24, 2018


People think I'm stuck up or standoffish or shy because I don't talk in groups at parties...

Everything you wrote resonates so much with me and it feels so good to know that someone else knows too.

This thread is a lot of me nodding my head and feeling a lot less ashamed of who I am.
posted by nikaspark at 12:33 PM on July 24, 2018 [5 favorites]


I see a lot more hearing aid companies advertising hearing aids in decorative colors, especially for kids. For example.

Hearing loss still has some stigma, but hearing hardware less so, especially for the young.
posted by JackFlash at 1:49 PM on July 24, 2018 [1 favorite]


I have relatively mild hearing loss, conveniently located at exactly the same pitch range as human speech. (The audiologist called it a "cookie bite" loss, because the diagram of the pitches I can hear looks like someone took a nice chomp out of the middle.) Nice to know I'm not the only one nodding and smiling my way through conversations hoping nobody says anything important.

I tried hearing aids for a while, but gave up on wearing them after a year or so because I was sick to death of hearing the person behind me blaring on while the person in front of me remained completely inaudible. Omnidirectional mics are worse than nothing; all I get is louder background noise, with bonus inconvenience and occasional feedback. What I really want is a tight directional mic pointed straight at whatever I'm looking at, possibly built into the frames of my glasses. It blows my mind that this is not a thing that already exists.
posted by ook at 2:39 PM on July 24, 2018 [3 favorites]


It does! Mine pair with my phone and I can adjust the focus from narrow (in front of me) to wide or "all around." I can also give the other person my phone to put near them, say in a shirt pocket, and with a "live listen" mode it will be piped directly into my aids with Bluetooth. You can also get mics for this.
posted by AFABulous at 3:49 PM on July 24, 2018 [19 favorites]


WHAT. OMG.
posted by nikaspark at 4:05 PM on July 24, 2018 [2 favorites]


I'm looking at that website now. AFABulous, that is...so awesome.
posted by nikaspark at 4:07 PM on July 24, 2018 [1 favorite]


AFABulous, yessss

Mine are too old for app compatibility but once they bite it, definitely replacing with Resound or Phonaks, whatever is the bit that most allows me to stream music to my hearing aids without a whole bunch of expensive, poorly-made crap in the way.

Also, no idea if this is helpful, but I have a strong deaf accent and I've had similar treatment. Been told "but you sound so smart in email!" Yeah... I do... (This is also such a dating problem. I go "i have a deaf accent. I slur. Really, it's okay if you don't understand me at first." And then we meet and they did not take me seriously, at all.)

This is a great article - thanks for posting!
posted by E. Whitehall at 5:11 PM on July 24, 2018 [2 favorites]


I have relatively mild hearing loss, conveniently located at exactly the same pitch range as human speech.

So do I. Even though it is mild, it still makes socializing in noisy rooms really hard, like in a cafeteria or trying to talk while a TV is on.

The essay is great, and I appreciated reading it.
posted by Dip Flash at 5:27 PM on July 24, 2018 [2 favorites]


Yes, but don't my ears block some of the sound from the front? I know I used to cup one ear with my hand, and have seen dozens of other people do that

The mics are actually right on top of your ear, not behind it where the rest of the hearing aid is. One sits just at the top front and the other at the top back. There are lots of arguments about, for example, in-the-ear hearing aids having the benefit of the natural resonance of your outer ear (pinna), which does give you some directionality, but with those you lose the fancy digital directional processing because there's no backwards mic. But yeah, the mics really do pick up everything around you in 360 degrees!

And yes! Cupping your ears gives you about a 5 dB boost in the high frequencies, because you collect all those short wavelengths together.

What I really want is a tight directional mic pointed straight at whatever I'm looking at, possibly built into the frames of my glasses. It blows my mind that this is not a thing that already exists.

As mentioned, this is totally a thing! And you don't even have to have the app to do it, though the app on those ReSounds is great. The ReSounds - as well as most any modern hearing aid fit by an audiologist - will both automatically change the focus of the beam to whatever direction the speech is coming from and allow you to change it manually. In fact, some use all four microphones (two on both ears) to do super narrow focusing. It's like a flashlight that you can change the beam of, but it does this automatically.

You can also manually change it with the app like those ReSounds, or most hearing aids will allow you to do this with the integrated button on the hearing aid - but your audiologist has to program it.

Of course it is not a perfect system, and it will disappoint you, but they are really much better than they used to be.
posted by Lutoslawski at 7:14 PM on July 24, 2018 [1 favorite]


Mine are too old for app compatibility but once they bite it, definitely replacing with Resound or Phonaks, whatever is the bit that most allows me to stream music to my hearing aids without a whole bunch of expensive, poorly-made crap in the way.

No idea about other brands but the Resounds definitely do this and I listen to music all day every day. All my phone calls go through them too. You can turn off the mics while the sound is coming through Bluetooth, so there is no background noise when listening to music or talking on the phone.
posted by AFABulous at 8:46 PM on July 24, 2018 [1 favorite]


Heart eyes as big as the sky. Fuck it, I need a gif: Meowth expresses my emotions here.

That sounds amazing and seriously life-changing, I'm so happy for you!
posted by E. Whitehall at 9:00 PM on July 24, 2018


Have hearing aids improved dramatically in the past five years or so? The ones I had were supposedly state-of-the-art at the time (the price certainly was!), and my main problem with them was that they amplified all the wrong things -- so tbh the idea of aids that "automatically change the focus of the beam to whatever direction the speech is coming from" sounds deeply unappealing. I don't want to be fiddling with apps or handing my phone around or wondering if the software has correctly guessed what I intend to listen to; those are all distractions. I just want to hear the thing my face is pointed at.

(But I'm realizing as I type this that my preference for simple and stupid over complex and gadgety is a sign that my transformation into crotchety old man is nearly complete. If they really have gotten that much better that recently maybe it's time for me to save up and give it another go...)
posted by ook at 3:57 AM on July 25, 2018 [1 favorite]


The audiologist my HoH husband goes to offered a 30-day trial. They’re part of a medical group—don’t know if stand-alone chains offer trials, but it’s worth checking out.

(I hope the next great technical breakthrough will be rechargeable hearing aids.)
posted by Jesse the K at 12:53 PM on July 25, 2018 [2 favorites]


That would be nice. The bluetooth ones chew through batteries like crazy if you listen to music and/or use the phone a lot.
posted by AFABulous at 2:27 PM on July 25, 2018 [1 favorite]


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