Somebody Gave Carly Rae Jepsen A Sword
August 7, 2018 6:17 AM   Subscribe

Social media isn't always a disaster; sometimes good things come out it as well. For example, at Lollapalooza this year, somebody gave Carly Rae Jepsen a sword.

Please bring your A-game in commenting on this; the bar has been set by AV Club commenter PaganPoet, who suggests "Let's give St. Vincent a morningstar."
posted by Ipsifendus (50 comments total) 12 users marked this as a favorite
 
PaganPoet, who suggests "Let's give St. Vincent a morningstar."

Only if this means we get to give Weezer throwing stars.
posted by Fizz at 6:22 AM on August 7, 2018 [2 favorites]


omg YES this is the best thank you for posting this
posted by everybody had matching towels at 6:26 AM on August 7, 2018 [2 favorites]


Stop the normalization of killing now. Do you want IRL Celebrity Deathmatch? Because this is how we get IRLCD.
posted by otherchaz at 6:27 AM on August 7, 2018 [5 favorites]


A halberd for the Dead Kennedys

An athame for Björk
posted by escape from the potato planet at 6:30 AM on August 7, 2018 [12 favorites]


Well, we've already seen Weird Al with a Star Wars lightsaber...
posted by oneswellfoop at 6:33 AM on August 7, 2018 [1 favorite]


GWAR brings their own weapons.
posted by kokaku at 6:36 AM on August 7, 2018 [19 favorites]


Sword guy strikes again.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 6:36 AM on August 7, 2018 [1 favorite]


I have to admit, one of the reasons this makes me so happy, beyond the fact that CRJ is fucking awesome, is that the whole thing reminds of this mefi thread about Taylor Swift, where the discussion somehow morphed into a conversation about what D&D class various pop stars were.
posted by Ipsifendus at 6:37 AM on August 7, 2018 [2 favorites]


Somebody give Bono an atomic wedgie.
posted by bondcliff at 6:38 AM on August 7, 2018 [4 favorites]


If it walks like a sword, talks like a sword, quacks like a sword, then its still as creepy as a stranger giving her a banjo.
posted by Nanukthedog at 6:46 AM on August 7, 2018 [5 favorites]


A halberd for the Dead Kennedys

I feel like this should be a David Eggers novel.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 6:47 AM on August 7, 2018 [14 favorites]


Stop the normalization of killing now. Do you want IRL Celebrity Deathmatch? Because this is how we get IRLCD.
I do, in fact, want IRL Celebrity Deathmatch.
posted by ChrisR at 6:47 AM on August 7, 2018 [6 favorites]


She posted some in-studio footage yesterday and I'm sogoddamnreadyforanewalbum. I really hope she leans into this sword thing a la Neko Case.
posted by Maaik at 6:49 AM on August 7, 2018 [7 favorites]


Tom Waits has a Mr. Bonestripper, a hulking mass of metal, gears, and teeth made from an old tramp steamer and three of four brass bands that went missing in the late '60s. It hums and clanks and whistles when active, belching black diesel smoke into an already graying sky.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 6:49 AM on August 7, 2018 [28 favorites]


A Canticle for Liebowitz!
A Bell for Adano!
Two Mules for Sister Sarah!

Wait, am I doing this right?
posted by Naberius at 6:53 AM on August 7, 2018 [9 favorites]


Give "Weird Al" Yankovic a trebuchet.
posted by Faint of Butt at 6:55 AM on August 7, 2018 [4 favorites]


nothing but respect for MY once and future king
posted by roger ackroyd at 6:58 AM on August 7, 2018 [4 favorites]


Give Meghan Trainor a trident
Give The Mountain Goats warhammers
Give Michael Bolton a boar spear
Give Daft Punk giant hydraulic claw hands
Give Taylor Swift a nock gun
posted by The Man from Lardfork at 7:16 AM on August 7, 2018


Hey, I just met you
This is crazy
Here’s a broadsword
Stab me maybe?
posted by dr_dank at 7:22 AM on August 7, 2018 [15 favorites]


An arquebus for Fugazi
posted by escape from the potato planet at 7:30 AM on August 7, 2018


My one regret in life is that I did not pursue a doctoral program in Finland, where apparently they issue you a top hat and a sword (no, really).
posted by Cash4Lead at 7:32 AM on August 7, 2018 [14 favorites]


Stab me maybe?

This gives Cut To The Feeling a whole new meaning.
posted by everybody had matching towels at 7:56 AM on August 7, 2018 [1 favorite]


Let's give Uma Thurman a katana.


Oh, wait...
posted by daniel_charms at 7:57 AM on August 7, 2018 [3 favorites]


Give Meghan Trainor a trident

I would think she'd be all about that mace.
posted by Mister Moofoo at 7:59 AM on August 7, 2018 [53 favorites]


Give The Mountain Goats warhammers

Just to confuse everyone, give the warhammers to Oasis.
posted by daniel_charms at 8:01 AM on August 7, 2018


An urumi for Bend Folds.
posted by belarius at 8:03 AM on August 7, 2018


A labrys for the Indigo Girls.
posted by fiercecupcake at 8:25 AM on August 7, 2018 [5 favorites]


Pop singers dancing on stage accepting swords from the audience is no basis for a system of government.
posted by COD at 8:45 AM on August 7, 2018 [35 favorites]


Pop singers dancing on stage accepting swords from the audience is no basis for a system of government.
I doubt it would be any worse than what we have.
posted by Tabitha Someday at 8:49 AM on August 7, 2018 [18 favorites]


Bruce Dickinson just brings his own sword, of course.
posted by chapps at 8:50 AM on August 7, 2018 [2 favorites]


> Pop singers dancing on stage accepting swords from the audience is no basis for a system of government.

I vehemently disagree.
posted by cirgue at 9:03 AM on August 7, 2018 [1 favorite]


Is this how The Ultimate Showdown actually starts?
posted by cichlid ceilidh at 9:05 AM on August 7, 2018 [4 favorites]


A catapult for Frankie Valli.
posted by Reverend John at 9:43 AM on August 7, 2018


Dude should have dressed up as Nimue, but OKAY.
posted by a fiendish thingy at 10:12 AM on August 7, 2018


give enya that mutant banshee scream

give lcd soundsystem non-lethal crowd-control weaponry

give gavrilo princip a pistol

give franz ferdinand a bodyguard

give bastille a cannon

give british sea power a dreadnought

give snow patrol a lahti sniper rifle
posted by anem0ne at 10:13 AM on August 7, 2018 [3 favorites]


Give Michael Jackson a caestus. Make sure it's white/speckled and only on one hand.
posted by Fizz at 10:15 AM on August 7, 2018


give u2 a spy plane

give the b52s a stratofortress

give the gang of four a trial

give jello biafra a memorial

give ac/dc a tesla coil

give aerosmith that gun that shoots cds like from their arcade game

give molotov some cocktails
posted by anem0ne at 10:18 AM on August 7, 2018 [2 favorites]


A hoopak for They Might Be Giants
posted by lazaruslong at 10:19 AM on August 7, 2018 [1 favorite]


Give Janet Jackson the beat.
posted by ZeusHumms at 10:22 AM on August 7, 2018 [6 favorites]


An M-16 for Mozart
posted by Reverend John at 11:06 AM on August 7, 2018


If you give a Jepson a sword, soon she'll want a scabbard.
And if you give a Jepson a scabbard, she'll want a bad ass belt to hold it up.
And if you give her a bad ass belt to hold it up, she'll want a mirror so she can see how cool she looks.
And once she sees how cool she looks, she'll want you to dress like a wizard so her LARP team looks more balanced.
And once you're dressed as a wizard, she'll want some tennis balls that she can label with the names of different spells.
And while looking for tennis balls, she'll see your tennis ball launcher and want to decorate it so it looks like a dragon.
Etc. Etc.
posted by Joey Michaels at 11:16 AM on August 7, 2018 [9 favorites]


If you give a Jepson a sword, soon she'll want a scabbard.
And if you give a Jepson a scabbard, she'll want a bad ass belt to hold it up.
And if you give her a bad ass belt to hold it up, she'll want a mirror so she can see how cool she looks.
And once she sees how cool she looks, she'll want you to dress like a wizard so her LARP team looks more balanced.
And once you're dressed as a wizard, she'll want some tennis balls that she can label with the names of different spells.
And while looking for tennis balls, she'll see your tennis ball launcher and want to decorate it so it looks like a dragon.


And once she sees the dragon, she'll want a sword to fight it with.
posted by PearlRose at 11:34 AM on August 7, 2018 [8 favorites]


Maybe we should save The Beat for the Go-Go's even though they claim to already have got it.

The Rolling Stones should get slingshots for their ancient weaponry...

A scimitar for Morissey sounds about right.

Tyler the Creator seems like the type to have boiling tar that he could pour on interlopers.

Perhaps we could transform Kanye into a traditional berserker warrior with the right recipe of mushrooms, booze and ritual incantation...

Bowie finally gets his soul re-united with John Dee and they happily prophesize and spell cast their way across the pop star astral plane. Sure he can have knife, as well. However, it is more amusing to imagine the Bowie/Dee hybrid mage that benevolently watches over the world of mediated celebrity.
posted by albion moonlight at 11:35 AM on August 7, 2018 [1 favorite]


actually i would 100% love to see a live action she-ra with carly rae jepsen and her sword.
posted by anem0ne at 11:52 AM on August 7, 2018 [4 favorites]


oh! oh!

give aliotta haynes jeremiah some acid
posted by anem0ne at 12:06 PM on August 7, 2018


I was thinking "wait, didn't Carly Rae Jepsen already get a sword? like at the US Open or Wimbledon or something?" Then I realized, "no, you dingdong, they don't have swords at tennis matches. they have tennis rackets."

Meanwhile, from the video, we can obviously see that that's not a real sword she's holding at Lollapalooza but a mere inflatable toy. For CRJ to get a real sword, I see only two legitimate options: 1) Sgt. Carly Rae Jepsen of the United States Marine Corps, 2) Dr. Carly Rae Jepsen of the University of Helsinki.
posted by mhum at 1:34 PM on August 7, 2018


If it helps, Carly Rae Jepsen is Canadian.
posted by ZeusHumms at 2:03 PM on August 7, 2018


Carly Rae Jepson’s spirit guide is Mad Jack Churchill.
posted by lhauser at 8:50 PM on August 7, 2018


> I would think she'd be all about that mace.

No trebuchet?

I'll see myself out.
posted by tonycpsu at 9:34 PM on August 7, 2018 [3 favorites]


Do you want IRL Celebrity Deathmatch? Because this is how we get IRLCD.

man i miss that show
posted by numaner at 11:44 AM on August 9, 2018 [1 favorite]


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