Consider the hagfish.
August 10, 2018 12:17 PM   Subscribe

 
Obviously, one must first get the patient to a hospital intact. Stabilize the patient with a medusa.
posted by justsomebodythatyouusedtoknow at 12:24 PM on August 10, 2018 [6 favorites]


Reading this made me ridiculously happy. I love that there are multiple humans who are willing to engage in a problem like this.
posted by twilightlost at 12:25 PM on August 10, 2018 [2 favorites]


I feel like we've had the centaur-stomach debate here before, as in, what do they eat? Do they have a horse and a human digestive system?

Centaurs as actual biological beings present all kinds of problems, basically.
posted by emjaybee at 12:28 PM on August 10, 2018 [2 favorites]


Centaur Biology previously.
posted by Fizz at 12:28 PM on August 10, 2018 [3 favorites]


"You don't think that if the human heart arrests, the horse heart would be able to maintain adequate cerebral perfusion by itself? I honestly don't know. I've been thinking about this all week."

I love this, and I love the idea of a distracted doctor in an office, asked "what's on your mind?" actually answers "how to respond to a centaur heart attack."
posted by filthy light thief at 12:37 PM on August 10, 2018 [11 favorites]


What if the Centaur is wearing pants?
posted by bondcliff at 12:38 PM on August 10, 2018 [1 favorite]


Has anyone ever done a fantasy version of James White's "Sector General" stories?
posted by Quindar Beep at 1:03 PM on August 10, 2018 [1 favorite]


TLDR these quacks don't know shit about centaur physiology (Oglaf, NSFW)
posted by Foci for Analysis at 1:18 PM on August 10, 2018 [7 favorites]


Mostly, I'm just thrilled that there is a "Dr Funk" practicing medicine.
posted by Berreggnog at 1:19 PM on August 10, 2018 [3 favorites]


Quindar Beep: Well, there is the Crossroads trilogy by Nick O'Donohoe, with a class of veterinary students becoming doctors in a high fantasy world.
posted by Quasirandom at 1:28 PM on August 10, 2018 [2 favorites]


The auxiliary heart thesis neatly handles the cardiovascular challenge, but the bigger deal is the pulmonary system.

Based on common perceptions of body proportions, a centaur’s human torso is not voluminous enough to contain lungs large enough to process enough oxygen to support the rest of the horse body. Which means there must be lungs in the horse torso.

But then the respiratory pathway is too long from the human mouth to achieve air transfer, so that carbon dioxide can be expelled from the lungs in the horse torso and fresh air can reach all the way down there with each breath.

So, based on simple mammalian respiration, a centaur would asphyxiate from inadequate gas exchange.

One possible solution to this problem is the avian respiratory system, which is more efficient than respiration in mammals. In birds, they breathe air in to air sac reservoirs, then exhale the air from those sacs into their lungs, then breathe the air from the lungs into a different set of sacs, and then out of the body. The air follows a one-way loop through the lungs without backtracking the way it does in mammals.

A centaur using such a respiratory system would be able to inhale air first into a pre-lung on one side of the human torso, then exhale that air into the main lung in the horse torso, then in the next cycle, send the main lung air into a post-lung on the other side of the human torso, and then exhaled out of the mouth.

This would ensure that the main lung in the horse torso was constantly receiving fresh air, without receiving re-inhaled, deoxygenated air that just hadn’t been able to make it all the way out of the body.

I would like to apply for a MeFi research grant to test this hypothesis.
posted by darkstar at 1:28 PM on August 10, 2018 [21 favorites]


Alternately, a blowhole might be useful.
posted by sagc at 1:43 PM on August 10, 2018 [2 favorites]


A centaur using such a respiratory system would be able to inhale air first into a pre-lung on one side of the human torso

"Good lord, that man is a centaur!"

"No, no. He's just playing the bagpipes."

Alternately, a blowhole might be useful.

If I had a nickel...
posted by Quindar Beep at 1:48 PM on August 10, 2018 [4 favorites]




But then the respiratory pathway is too long from the human mouth to achieve air transfer

How do giraffes do it then? Their necks are longer than a human torso.
posted by fings at 2:18 PM on August 10, 2018 [3 favorites]


How do giraffes do it then?

Blowholes. Strange but true.*

*In this sentence, “true” may be taken to mean “pulled out of thin air.”
posted by GenjiandProust at 2:38 PM on August 10, 2018 [2 favorites]


Let me pull this true fact out of my blowhole.
posted by Midnight Skulker at 2:44 PM on August 10, 2018 [6 favorites]


Yeah, maybe simplest if it's like a giraffe with a very elaborate neck.
posted by RobotHero at 2:59 PM on August 10, 2018 [1 favorite]


Tidal volume (VT) is basically lung capacity. Dead space (VD) is the volume of air in respiration that, as darkstar describes above, doesn't make it into the lungs. VD/VT expresses this relationship.

Turns out that although the giraffe trachea is very long, it's also relatively narrow. And the giraffe lung is very large. So VD/VT is about 0.34, which is ptetty normal, and it all works out. The giraffe does breathe a bit more slowly than usual.

Regular horse lungs in a centaur might not be enough, but the human lungs might be able to make up the difference. I'm sure you could get VD and VT for both horses and humans, add them together and see if the VD/VT ratio is low enough.

Win giraffes, the bigger problem is pumping blood all the way up to the head (and also accounting for when the head is lower than the heart, such as when drinking). They have some interesting adaptations for that.
posted by Ivan Fyodorovich at 3:16 PM on August 10, 2018 [3 favorites]


Why assume the centaurs would have human-sized hearts in their human chests? Why couldn't they have great big horsey hearts in their human chests? Maybe the lungs are in the human belly. Or maybe they're really long lungs, instead of really wide ones. Maybe they have a big horsey heart in the chest and then there are lungs that extend from the human belly all the way down to the horse chest. Really, there's a lot of room in a centaur body to fit in whatever organs they need, and we can't just assume any of their organs are exactly like those of a horse or a human. As for what the eat, they're often depicted carrying bows and arrows so it seems likely they eat small game along with the occasional traveler who foolishly ventured into the centaur's wooded enclave.

Centaurs are somewhat more plausible than giraffes.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 3:24 PM on August 10, 2018 [10 favorites]


whenever I see centaurs mentioned these days I wanna be like “HEY NO SPOILERS,” but even hinting about what it is that I don’t want people to get spoiled on would necessarily be a spoiler.
posted by Reclusive Novelist Thomas Pynchon at 3:32 PM on August 10, 2018 [1 favorite]


it's 2018, why isn't there a House, but for fantasy beings, that I can binge right now?

Dr. Robin Nightlock is the head diagnostician at Earth's 2nd (and largest) ever all-species hospital. They're a Native dream-elk born/materialized two years after the fall of The Veil 39 years ago. They're the one to call when no one else can figure out why a centaur has digestive issues, why a forest nymph keeps fainting (but without anyone demanding a wish after capturing them), or why a mouse recently learned to talk, only to constantly complain about its migraines.
posted by numaner at 4:24 PM on August 10, 2018 [14 favorites]


NIGHTLOCK: More mouse bites!

CUTTY: I forbid this.

MOUSE: I just told you I have a headache. Get someone else to bite him.

CENTAUR PATIENT: Oh no! I am dead.

FOREMAN: This vexes me.
posted by Spathe Cadet at 5:06 PM on August 10, 2018 [12 favorites]


NIGHTLOCK: It's werewolves. It fits all the symptoms.
posted by curious nu at 5:07 PM on August 10, 2018 [11 favorites]


Dammit, y’all are supposed to wait until AFTER I secure that sweet, sweet MeFi research grant money before you blow a hole in my thesis!

We could all have been rich, but nooo!
posted by darkstar at 5:30 PM on August 10, 2018


MetaFilter: it's never werewolves.
posted by Halloween Jack at 5:34 PM on August 10, 2018 [15 favorites]


In Greek art of the Archaic period, centaurs are depicted in three different forms. Some centaurs are depicted with a human torso attached to the body of a horse at the withers, where the horse's neck would be; this form, designated "Class A" by Professor Baur, later became standard. "Class B" centaurs are depicted with a human body and legs, joined at the waist with the hindquarters of a horse; in some cases centaurs of both types appear together. A third type, designated "Class C", depicts centaurs with human forelegs terminating in hooves. -Wikipedia
posted by Sterros at 6:14 PM on August 10, 2018 [3 favorites]


Then there’s the boar centaur...
posted by darkstar at 6:17 PM on August 10, 2018


Really, the simplest explanation is if we can all just agree that the giraffe is actually a mythical, rather than a real, creature.


(And the grant application is saved!)
posted by darkstar at 6:24 PM on August 10, 2018 [5 favorites]


So we're agreed, then, that centaurs are a kind of giraffe? The "human torso" is just a thickened neck, and the "arms" are modified collarbones.
posted by moonmilk at 5:30 AM on August 11, 2018 [4 favorites]


The story below it is even better, curated clips of 4channers telling about D&D experiences.

Can we use diplomacy? I rolled 19, with +6 for diplomacy that's 25, they should let us pass.


No. What do you say to the bandits?


I rolled 19.


The bandit chief is impressed by your roll. He pulls out a board and a half dozen six-sided dice. He rolls a 21, which paired with his +7 intimidation is a 28. He congratulates you on your excellent roll, but he still wants to see your weapons on the ground and your hands in the air.


That is some D&D comedy gold.
posted by Meatbomb at 12:00 PM on August 11, 2018 [3 favorites]


The Nerdery is strong in these two.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 3:04 PM on August 11, 2018


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