"They keep their kitten-songs for us"
August 10, 2018 8:49 PM   Subscribe

WHAT CATS KNOW ABOUT HUMANS: A THREAD A short Twitter thread that may resonate if you live with a cat.
posted by Lexica (44 comments total) 42 users marked this as a favorite
 
They also know you would really rather not be clicking on that clicky thing all day, not really, and jump in front of it to suggest you pet them instead.

I’ll never understand how my mother’s cat materializes when I’m at their house and I happen to be upset — not even in tears, just low. She just turns up and looks at me like okay, what’s the problem now.
posted by Countess Elena at 9:08 PM on August 10 [28 favorites]


9. They know our purrs are sometimes smothered in tears, draped in impossible sadness, so drowned in despair we forget how to purr at all. So they come to us and purr, to remind us how it is done.

Yes.
posted by Hermione Granger at 9:22 PM on August 10 [16 favorites]


5. They know we cannot see the ways between world's like they can and they know we cannot slide in through the secret paths to countless different nows so they make sure not to stay for long in the other places, other worlds.

My cats have basically 4 states.
1) sleeping, usually where I wanted to sit.
2) demanding water from the tap whenever is most inconvenient.
3) staring out the window watching for birds and chittering.
4) slipping between now and the neverwas and the couldhavebeen, which must be how they materialize out of bloody nowhere whenever it's food time.
posted by Absolutely No You-Know-What at 9:40 PM on August 10 [25 favorites]


you should know that I’m with you, know I forgive you, know I will bite down hard if you stray....
posted by es_de_bah at 9:42 PM on August 10 [15 favorites]


Shameless tearjerker propaganda from Big Cat. I wouldn't be surprised if hippybear is behind it.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 9:49 PM on August 10 [19 favorites]


Friendly little pet demons.
posted by Grandysaur at 10:07 PM on August 10 [12 favorites]


When I wake up in the morning, my breathing changes a tiny bit. My cat comes trotting in from across the apartment to ask for snuggles. This apartment is long and thin, and I can't hear another human yelling across the space, but she hears me breathe a little differently, and she knows it's time for pets.
posted by bile and syntax at 10:19 PM on August 10 [34 favorites]


I have a big, sturdy, unsubtle ragdoll in her prime. She is 15 lbs and has an enormous rumbling purr and the softest angora fur you could imagine, somehow always groomed to perfection.

She knows the end of the day is when I need her most and without fail, she will settle into my lap and purr for hours until everything is basically ok again. Cats are the best.
posted by annekate at 11:02 PM on August 10 [22 favorites]


The old and beautiful maine coon passed in May, and was buried by the oak, opposite of his brother's grave, 18 years my companion.
A new cat adopted my farmhouse this week. Siamese/tabby blend, probably six weeks old, green eyes, dappled like ocelot. Affectionate and playful so far, though doesn't like the other two feline tenants. If I had a goddess it would have to be Bast- or maybe word has spread through the Ulthar grapevine. I suppose toxoplasmosis is my drug of choice. Oh well- the fuzzy quadruped landsharks are needed round these parts, to keep the mice and rat numbers down, to ward raccoons from garbage bins, dissuade skunks from spraying fences, frighten the possums from gnawing nests into the barns.
For his coat that is like ash enwrapped around the last embers of a fire, I'm giving the new fellow the moniker Geist. I hope he chooses to stick around.
posted by LeRoienJaune at 11:14 PM on August 10 [37 favorites]


Captain Kirk always gets the cat to condescend:
"What is this 'love' you speak of?"
"I can't tell you...I have to show you."
"Ten seconds on the shoulders. Five on the belly OR until I cut you off, Alternating. Await further instructions. Go on....Teach me your 'love'."
"I....uhh..."
"You'll know when I'm purring.....commence."
posted by es_de_bah at 12:01 AM on August 11 [2 favorites]


The one time I was curled up on my bed crying big, bawling tears, my cat - who must've been picked up as kitten and never put down, because all she wants in life is to be cuddled like a baby - came up demanding food and started to chew on my head. So there's that.
posted by Helga-woo at 12:50 AM on August 11 [20 favorites]


All you ever want to do is drink and watch TV
And frankly that thing doesn't really interest me
I swear I'm going to bite you hard
And taste your tinny blood
If you don't stop the self-defeating lies
You've been repeating since the day you brought me home
I know you're strong

posted by saturday_morning at 1:19 AM on August 11 [15 favorites]


I know you're strong

Plea from a Cat Named Virtute, from the Weakerthans' 2003 Reconstruction Site is the start of a narrative, continued over the 2007 Reunion Tour and John K. Samson's 2016 solo album Winter Wheat.
The Saga of Virtute the Cat: Canadiana, Folk Punk, and John K. Samson

Virtute The Cat Explains Her Departure
17th Street Treatment Centre
Virtute At Rest
posted by zamboni at 4:47 AM on August 11 [4 favorites]


I’ll never understand how my mother’s cat materializes when I’m at their house and I happen to be upset — not even in tears, just low. She just turns up and looks at me like okay, what’s the problem now.

I swear to you this happened, about 20 years ago now -

I was chillin' at home, reading, at one end of the couch, and Zach was asleep on the other end. I got a call from my parents - they were calling to tell me that KC, our family dog, had finally died in his sleep of old age. It was news that made me numb, more than anything - I didn't burst into sudden tears or anything (the tears for KC came a full day later, actually) - it was sad news, but it wasn't unexpected, since KC was quite old.

But as I sat there on the phone, Mom telling me the whole story of the last vet visit and how KC had died in his sleep and spared them the whole "do you think it's....time?" decision, Zach suddenly woke up and looked at me - and after studying me intently a couple seconds, he got up and went into another room. He didn't lie down and go to sleep, he just sort of....hovered in another room. After about an hour - after I'd gotten off the phone with Mom and been digesting her news a while - he came back and lay down on the couch again.

I swear that somehow that little putz knew that "oh shit, something's going down with another one of EC's old pets and she maybe wants to be alone for a little while. Lemme hang back a little."
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 5:41 AM on August 11 [9 favorites]


I stepped on Lulus tail this afternoon. It was an accident. She doesn’t seem to get that it wasn’t intentional. She is running away from me when she sees me.
Cats don’t know everything about humans. I’m sorry Lulu.
posted by unliteral at 5:53 AM on August 11 [8 favorites]


They know that our noses are weak so they help us overcome our dull sense of smell by raising their happy tails and placing their bumholes right in our faces.
posted by Hal Mumkin at 7:13 AM on August 11 [23 favorites]


THEY KNOW.
posted by arcticseal at 7:22 AM on August 11 [4 favorites]


All of our senses are weak from the cat view*. I occasionally look after the neighbour cat, Sally by name. When Sally’s mom arrives home from being out, Sally will be at the door to greet her, prompted by the sound of the car arriving, I imagine.

Note that the two adjoining townhouses are set far enough back that the human ear would be unlikely to notice the sound of any car arriving or departing, our neighbour’s car does not have any distinctive engine sound, and it is one of about two dozen in the parking lot. But by the time Sally was a few months old, she was attuned to the sound and had worked out the causality involved: that its occurrence presaged food and skritches by a couple of minutes, so it will wake her from a sound sleep to run to the front door.


*From a cat point of view, we are virtually deaf and blind, but they allow that we sure play a mean pinball.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 7:31 AM on August 11 [11 favorites]


Wow. I thought I was coming for the laughs--stayed for the beauty. That definitely brought tears to my eyes. My kitties are hovering nearby as always.
posted by agatha_magatha at 7:51 AM on August 11 [6 favorites]


If I take an afternoon nap during the weekend, the two female cats will instantly appear out of thin air next to me purring loudly, excited that they get to nap with their human. We live in a pretty big and somewhat maze-like house and I have no idea how they know that I'm about to nap from three rooms and two floors away. The one male cat never shows as he's too busy following my wife around like a small dog.
posted by octothorpe at 7:54 AM on August 11 [5 favorites]


Yeah, I came for the lols.
And now there's something in my eye that just won't get out.



Shut up, I'm not crying, you're crying.
posted by the_royal_we at 8:14 AM on August 11 [2 favorites]


I live with a very handsome, standoffish dumbass who doesn’t tick most of these boxes, but I love him anyway.
posted by Sokka shot first at 8:36 AM on August 11 [1 favorite]


Why am I at work instead of at home where my cats are??
posted by sarcasticah at 8:54 AM on August 11 [14 favorites]


They know that when I pick up the guitar that I must want to be alone because why would the Human make such an awful noise? Let’s get out quick!

They know that when I’m behind the bathroom door I must be in mortal danger and they try to save me by desperately clawing their way in. Indeed, one time the door was cracked and the Human was literally *drenched* in water behind that glass panel!
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 9:16 AM on August 11 [9 favorites]


When I wake up in the morning, my breathing changes a tiny bit.

Tangent: Mrs. Example and i were in a hotel once. She had left the room for something, then came back. I told her I could tell it was her by the sound of her footsteps.

Still later, me: "I could tell you you were about to start reading aloud by the way your breathing changed."

Her: "STOP BEING CREEPY."

End of tangent, which I've just spent a few minutes typing out trying to kill time while our oldest cat is at the expensive-ass after-hours vet. We don't think it's anything too serious, but wish us luck anyway, would you?
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 10:09 AM on August 11 [15 favorites]


This person has really deep and entrenched anxiety about the supernatural that is probably better mitigated with Xanax as opposed to small and furry bodyguards.
posted by Brocktoon at 10:42 AM on August 11 [2 favorites]


They know we can't see in the dark... So they stand right there to trip us.

(Also: Humans can't hear cats materialize behind them in the kitchen, and it's fun to trip humans to get their attention.)

Started to chew on my head. So there's that.

Katherine Elizabeth aka Kitty has a thing about the hair conditioner I use, and if I'm lying down after a shower will sit on the sofa arm and chew on my head.
posted by NorthernLite at 11:18 AM on August 11 [4 favorites]


We always know where Ticky is at night, we just look for the patch that's darker than night.
posted by arcticseal at 11:39 AM on August 11 [4 favorites]


...Xanax as opposed to small and furry bodyguards.

Same difference really.
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 12:32 PM on August 11 [3 favorites]


> We always know where Ticky is at night, we just look for the patch that's darker than night.

Vantacat is now the darkest black.
posted by Fiberoptic Zebroid and The Hypnagogic Jerks at 12:38 PM on August 11 [10 favorites]


Absolutely beautiful.

The feline response to Christopher Smart's Jubilate Agno.
Madness met with madness in a lovely dance.
posted by Baby_Balrog at 12:45 PM on August 11


Hope everything went well, Mr. Bad Example.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 1:13 PM on August 11 [3 favorites]


I mirror my cat's tail movements with my hand sometimes. Her eyes go really wide like a child when an adult says a swear word.
posted by srboisvert at 2:04 PM on August 11 [10 favorites]


Hope everything went well, Mr. Bad Example.

Thanks. We're home from the vet finally after like six hours of tests and X-rays. No bowel or bladder obstructions detected, which is what we were really worried about.

The final verdict: cystitis, which they're treating with painkillers and antibiotics. We spent an ungodly amount of money to diagnose a kitty UTI, essentially, but it would have been worse without the pet insurance--we're on the hook for only 20% of the remainder after the deductible.

Still, though. It would absolutely have been worth it even without the insurance. He's my boy.

We're celebrating his no-overnight-stay return from the vet with extra wet food for all the cats and extra snorgles. (Bonus picture: Lord of the Jungle Back Garden. )
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 2:45 PM on August 11 [13 favorites]


*From a cat point of view, we are virtually deaf and blind, but they allow that we sure play a mean pinball.

Cats have terrible vision compared to humans.   It works for what they need, clearly, but they can't pick out detail anywhere near as good as a human being.  Their acuity is atrocious, though their ability to see in dim lighting is pretty amazing.

That twitter thread though.  Ugh.  I'm most definitely cat people, but that was so twee it hurt.
posted by los pantalones del muerte at 3:01 PM on August 11 [3 favorites]


noooooo why did i read that thread about the weakerthans songs now i am crying forever noooooo
posted by halation at 3:03 PM on August 11 [6 favorites]


MetaFilter: so twee it hurt[s]
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 3:11 PM on August 11 [7 favorites]


When I was at my most depressed, I'd just gotten my two. When I would be curled up in bed under the blanket refusing to get up and face the bleak agony of the world, they would take turns sitting on my chest purring so hard their little bodies vibrated until I'd finally go "ALRIGHT FINE I'LL FEEL BETTER JUST STOP UGHHH" and shamble out into the living room. (They are much larger now).
posted by Ghostride The Whip at 8:38 AM on August 12 [5 favorites]


My Gatsby cat is raging against the dying of the light. We don't know how she's still here, honestly, but here she is, loudly demanding food and cuddles. She was always affectionate, but only if we went to her. Now, she jumps up on the arm of the mister's recliner every night and they watch tv together. She fell asleep pressed up against my leg as I watched a movie last night even though the dog was right there. Cats know we need them most right before they leave us.
posted by Ruki at 8:53 AM on August 12 [10 favorites]


This video hasn't turned me into a cat person, but I gotta say I'm wavering.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 5:50 PM on August 12 [1 favorite]


Why am I at work instead of at home where my cats are??

In order to earn money with which to buy them food and toys and vet care.
At least, that's the reason my husband gives me when I whine about having to leave the house & cats.
posted by cheshyre at 5:57 PM on August 12 [2 favorites]


I am the butler to my cat.
posted by arcticseal at 12:58 AM on August 13


A dear friend just took her 17 year old cat to the vet for the last time on Saturday. I am not going to send this twitter thread to her, but it made me well up something fierce.
posted by hanov3r at 10:14 AM on August 13 [2 favorites]


noooooo why did i read that thread about the weakerthans songs now i am crying forever noooooo

I knew what it was and I read it anyway and I have only myself to blame
posted by vibratory manner of working at 3:13 PM on August 13 [2 favorites]


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