You will almost certainly not be called something cool
August 23, 2018 12:04 PM Subscribe
ESPN's Sam Miller analyzed 200 players' nicknames, as used in MLB clubhouses, and codified 20 rules for determining how they're created.
Interesting set of rules, many of which work outside of MLB. What's interesting is that none of them touch the person's physical form, it's all abstract name stuff. Which is surprisingly egalitarian. The same rules did not apply to High School however, since I was saddled with "Fetus Hands," which has nothing to do with my names.
posted by GoblinHoney at 12:16 PM on August 23, 2018 [9 favorites]
posted by GoblinHoney at 12:16 PM on August 23, 2018 [9 favorites]
A distant relative who shares my somewhat-uncommon last name used to play for the Cubs back in the 1940s.
"[Last name] had four sons, the eldest is nicknamed "Boots" because [Last name] famously made four errors in a single inning having been informed by the club's owner, Philip Wrigley, that his wife had just delivered. The following day the Chicago newspapers suggested his newborn baby should be called "Boots" in honor of the occasion."
If I ever play professional baseball, I hope they call me "Boots."
posted by bondcliff at 12:28 PM on August 23, 2018 [2 favorites]
"[Last name] had four sons, the eldest is nicknamed "Boots" because [Last name] famously made four errors in a single inning having been informed by the club's owner, Philip Wrigley, that his wife had just delivered. The following day the Chicago newspapers suggested his newborn baby should be called "Boots" in honor of the occasion."
If I ever play professional baseball, I hope they call me "Boots."
posted by bondcliff at 12:28 PM on August 23, 2018 [2 favorites]
You'd probably get Bootsy.
posted by Quindar Beep at 12:35 PM on August 23, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by Quindar Beep at 12:35 PM on August 23, 2018 [1 favorite]
I'm ok with Bootsy.
posted by bondcliff at 12:54 PM on August 23, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by bondcliff at 12:54 PM on August 23, 2018 [1 favorite]
I'm ok with Bootsy.
You have a better sense of humor than Emperor Caligula:
You have a better sense of humor than Emperor Caligula:
As a boy of just two or three, Gaius accompanied his father, Germanicus, on campaigns in the north of Germania. The soldiers were amused that Gaius was dressed in a miniature soldier's outfit, including boots and armour. He was soon given his nickname Caligula, meaning "little (soldier's) boot" in Latin, after the small boots (caligae) he wore. Gaius, though, reportedly grew to dislike this nickname.posted by Iridic at 12:58 PM on August 23, 2018 [4 favorites]
I'm curious if these rules work with Japanese and Korean players in MLB clubhouses. Does Ohtani have a nickname yet in the MLB?
posted by gladly at 1:26 PM on August 23, 2018
posted by gladly at 1:26 PM on August 23, 2018
Man...My name falls into 3 or 4 of those rules, none of which are preferable.
posted by Thorzdad at 1:29 PM on August 23, 2018
posted by Thorzdad at 1:29 PM on August 23, 2018
I think my name falls under the two-syllable last name rule which works for me.
my favorite recent baseball player nickname was that Billy Butler was called "Country Breakfast" when he played for the Royals and I'm not sure how that fits in.
posted by dismas at 1:36 PM on August 23, 2018 [1 favorite]
my favorite recent baseball player nickname was that Billy Butler was called "Country Breakfast" when he played for the Royals and I'm not sure how that fits in.
posted by dismas at 1:36 PM on August 23, 2018 [1 favorite]
They will work very hard to call you something other than your name
I had a friend who worked in the Blue Jays clubhouse when they won back to back World Serieses. His real name was Peter, but since no one gets to keep their name, they called him Danny because he looked like Danny Bonaduce (well, they both had red hair).
You'd call his work and ask for Peter and they'd say, "No Peter works here" and hang up on you. So if he was giving a new friend or a girlfriend his work number, he always had to tell them to ask for Danny.
I remember he also said that they tormented the team mascot and refused to call him by his name and instead called him Chirp Chirp. Sometimes he'd come to work and his locker was full of bird seed.
Another time he told me David Cone shit in another player's locker when the player had had a bad day.
Yes, MLB players are assholes.
posted by dobbs at 1:37 PM on August 23, 2018 [5 favorites]
I had a friend who worked in the Blue Jays clubhouse when they won back to back World Serieses. His real name was Peter, but since no one gets to keep their name, they called him Danny because he looked like Danny Bonaduce (well, they both had red hair).
You'd call his work and ask for Peter and they'd say, "No Peter works here" and hang up on you. So if he was giving a new friend or a girlfriend his work number, he always had to tell them to ask for Danny.
I remember he also said that they tormented the team mascot and refused to call him by his name and instead called him Chirp Chirp. Sometimes he'd come to work and his locker was full of bird seed.
Another time he told me David Cone shit in another player's locker when the player had had a bad day.
Yes, MLB players are assholes.
posted by dobbs at 1:37 PM on August 23, 2018 [5 favorites]
Although that wasn't a clubhouse name, it was given to him by a journalist, so nevermind.
posted by dismas at 1:37 PM on August 23, 2018
posted by dismas at 1:37 PM on August 23, 2018
After reading through these, I am also of the belief that they also apply to the schoolyard, and I have no fond memories of what the nickname algorithm applied there.
posted by nubs at 1:44 PM on August 23, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by nubs at 1:44 PM on August 23, 2018 [1 favorite]
Nicknames can never be self-assigned. Odd nicknames seem to be more of a guy thing. Among my college friends, we all had nicknames. Too many Johns, Daves, and Mikes around. They get even more esoteric when an appropriate nickname is already taken. My roommate would have been a great "Psycho John", but there was already one in our circle of friends, even if it was far appropriate for my roommate. Neither one was psychotic, but my roommate was far further up the odd scale than the original nickname holder.
Physical deformities worked too. One guy had nine toes, so he was "Nine-Toed Dave", because he had nine toes. Why he had nine toes? I don't know and I was never told, but that was what I knew him as.
My own nickname amongst the group came from a drunken discussion about a sit-com, that I wasn't even at. They jokingly assigned each other to the roles of the main characters, and when I came up, I just got assigned a secondary character. Nobody else's name stuck, but mine did because I was new and didn't have a nickname yet. And no, it has nothing to do with my name on here.
posted by Badgermann at 1:57 PM on August 23, 2018 [1 favorite]
Physical deformities worked too. One guy had nine toes, so he was "Nine-Toed Dave", because he had nine toes. Why he had nine toes? I don't know and I was never told, but that was what I knew him as.
My own nickname amongst the group came from a drunken discussion about a sit-com, that I wasn't even at. They jokingly assigned each other to the roles of the main characters, and when I came up, I just got assigned a secondary character. Nobody else's name stuck, but mine did because I was new and didn't have a nickname yet. And no, it has nothing to do with my name on here.
posted by Badgermann at 1:57 PM on August 23, 2018 [1 favorite]
What to do with Lee? I feel so left out.
posted by phunniemee at 1:58 PM on August 23, 2018
posted by phunniemee at 1:58 PM on August 23, 2018
Rule 10 indicates that Lee would be Lee-er, but that's pretty awful. It looks like Derrek Lee was D-Lee, so that general construction might work, and it looks like most of the other prominent Lees have either gone with something based on the first name or been weird enough that their nickname was "Spaceman".
posted by Copronymus at 2:15 PM on August 23, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by Copronymus at 2:15 PM on August 23, 2018 [1 favorite]
Rule 21: No exceptions: Lee --> Gene Gene the Dancing Machine.
posted by GCU Sweet and Full of Grace at 2:19 PM on August 23, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by GCU Sweet and Full of Grace at 2:19 PM on August 23, 2018 [2 favorites]
None of which explains why Carlos Ruiz is Chooch.
posted by graymouser at 2:24 PM on August 23, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by graymouser at 2:24 PM on August 23, 2018 [1 favorite]
See, if it were cricket or rugby, Lee would almost inevitably be Eel.
posted by scruss at 2:24 PM on August 23, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by scruss at 2:24 PM on August 23, 2018 [2 favorites]
Funny, I've never spent much time with sportsball folks, being a music/theater geek, but the times I have my nickname conformed to rule 15 pretty consistently.
posted by calamari kid at 2:25 PM on August 23, 2018
posted by calamari kid at 2:25 PM on August 23, 2018
These rules seem new, perhaps as baseball's profile has risen the people involved have gotten less imaginative. Is rule 20 supposed to be a cop-out rule for Bird Fidrych, Catfish Hunter, Goose Gossage, etc.?
posted by rhizome at 2:26 PM on August 23, 2018
posted by rhizome at 2:26 PM on August 23, 2018
See, if it were cricket or rugby, Lee would almost inevitably be Eel.
Sports popular in Australia? Surely you mean ǝǝ˥.
posted by phunniemee at 2:26 PM on August 23, 2018
Sports popular in Australia? Surely you mean ǝǝ˥.
posted by phunniemee at 2:26 PM on August 23, 2018
> graymouser:
"None of which explains why Carlos Ruiz is Chooch."
I'd lean toward idiom.
posted by rhizome at 2:28 PM on August 23, 2018
"None of which explains why Carlos Ruiz is Chooch."
I'd lean toward idiom.
posted by rhizome at 2:28 PM on August 23, 2018
Is rule 20 supposed to be a cop-out rule for Bird Fidrych, Catfish Hunter, Goose Gossage, etc.?
Goose is probably because "Gossy" is fairly bad and the alternative is just sitting there, and Fidrych is tricky because 90% of Americans are going to be lost when it comes to transliterated Polish names (also "Fiddy" and "Fidder" are both awful). However, I thought that Catfish was basically forced on him by Charlie Finley and that to anyone who knew him he was just Jim. I guess by the official rules here, he would probably be "Huntsie" or something.
posted by Copronymus at 2:40 PM on August 23, 2018 [2 favorites]
Goose is probably because "Gossy" is fairly bad and the alternative is just sitting there, and Fidrych is tricky because 90% of Americans are going to be lost when it comes to transliterated Polish names (also "Fiddy" and "Fidder" are both awful). However, I thought that Catfish was basically forced on him by Charlie Finley and that to anyone who knew him he was just Jim. I guess by the official rules here, he would probably be "Huntsie" or something.
posted by Copronymus at 2:40 PM on August 23, 2018 [2 favorites]
What, no mention of Ducky "Lead Legs" Cronin, Harry "Three-Toed" Vaughan, or even the immortal Walter "Shitty Batter" Dugan?
posted by hangashore at 2:41 PM on August 23, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by hangashore at 2:41 PM on August 23, 2018 [1 favorite]
I presume that the last name of Love would get me J-Love or J-Lo, probably? I can't imagine Lovey working out.
posted by jsnlxndrlv at 3:48 PM on August 23, 2018
posted by jsnlxndrlv at 3:48 PM on August 23, 2018
I guess my last name comes under the two syllable rule and the nickname would probably be "Morgy" (even though the first syllable is "Mor", not "Morg"). I'd prefer A-Mo (like J-Lo), but that seems like a long shot.
Morgy it is.
posted by It's Never Lurgi at 4:18 PM on August 23, 2018
Morgy it is.
posted by It's Never Lurgi at 4:18 PM on August 23, 2018
My last name is Guillerm, and though I pronounce it like "Guillermo," I just know I'd be "Gilly."
posted by explosion at 4:22 PM on August 23, 2018
posted by explosion at 4:22 PM on August 23, 2018
It seems that in baseball, as in life, my nickname would be my initials. Disappointing.
posted by betweenthebars at 5:13 PM on August 23, 2018
posted by betweenthebars at 5:13 PM on August 23, 2018
I'm gonna need to know if Janelle Shane's bots can be trained to extract these rules from the corpus and apply them, stat
posted by gusandrews at 5:22 PM on August 23, 2018
posted by gusandrews at 5:22 PM on August 23, 2018
Not a lot of current/former Dodgers on the list. But seems like many of them don’t fit the rules anyway.
Kiké Hernandez probably doesn’t count since he goes by Kiké all the time.
Chase Utley is Dad. Because Kiké considers him his honorary dad.
Austin Barnes is Sam, because Utley just though my his first name was Sam for awhile.
Orel Hershiser is Bulldog because Tommy Lasorda didn’t think any batter would be afraid of a pitcher named Orel.
Manager Dave Roberts is Doc for some reason.
Rich Hill seems to be Dick Mountain these days. But that’s more a recent fan favorite that’s been thrust upon him lately.
Sexy Either, well because Andre is in fact sexy.
Former manager Don Mattenly was Donnie Baseball, and Juan Uribe, because he managed the final game a few seasons ago, became Juanny Beisbol. That’s some next level meta-nickname action there.
Adrian Gonzales was AGon instead of Gonzo like the rules demand.
Anyway, guess the Dodgers didn’t hear about these rules.
posted by sideshow at 5:24 PM on August 23, 2018
Kiké Hernandez probably doesn’t count since he goes by Kiké all the time.
Chase Utley is Dad. Because Kiké considers him his honorary dad.
Austin Barnes is Sam, because Utley just though my his first name was Sam for awhile.
Orel Hershiser is Bulldog because Tommy Lasorda didn’t think any batter would be afraid of a pitcher named Orel.
Manager Dave Roberts is Doc for some reason.
Rich Hill seems to be Dick Mountain these days. But that’s more a recent fan favorite that’s been thrust upon him lately.
Sexy Either, well because Andre is in fact sexy.
Former manager Don Mattenly was Donnie Baseball, and Juan Uribe, because he managed the final game a few seasons ago, became Juanny Beisbol. That’s some next level meta-nickname action there.
Adrian Gonzales was AGon instead of Gonzo like the rules demand.
Anyway, guess the Dodgers didn’t hear about these rules.
posted by sideshow at 5:24 PM on August 23, 2018
Someone needs to code this as a Python module
It took me a few seconds to realize you weren't referring to the British comedy troupe. I still think the notion fits, though.
posted by Greg_Ace at 6:36 PM on August 23, 2018 [1 favorite]
It took me a few seconds to realize you weren't referring to the British comedy troupe. I still think the notion fits, though.
posted by Greg_Ace at 6:36 PM on August 23, 2018 [1 favorite]
Yeah, I was thinking "get a name generator going," myself.
"My roommate would have been a great "Psycho John", but there was already one in our circle of friends, even if it was far appropriate for my roommate."
I am deeply concerned about your friend circle.
I think I would fall under Rule 13 for the nickname. I can live with that. I prefer that to Rule 19, anyway.
posted by jenfullmoon at 6:48 PM on August 23, 2018
"My roommate would have been a great "Psycho John", but there was already one in our circle of friends, even if it was far appropriate for my roommate."
I am deeply concerned about your friend circle.
I think I would fall under Rule 13 for the nickname. I can live with that. I prefer that to Rule 19, anyway.
posted by jenfullmoon at 6:48 PM on August 23, 2018
Hah yeah, once upon a time it seemed like half the people I knew were named Jason.
posted by rhizome at 7:37 PM on August 23, 2018
posted by rhizome at 7:37 PM on August 23, 2018
Reading that article was like reliving my years in a fraternity.
posted by Lyme Drop at 10:16 PM on August 23, 2018
posted by Lyme Drop at 10:16 PM on August 23, 2018
I think we all need to recognize Joe Posnanski's work in this area for last season's Players' Weekend: (Nick)name dropping: 25 best in MLB history This covers most of the famous ones and is a good jumping off point for the subject.
Regarding this piece, Scott Miller has produced some of the finest baseball writing of our time* and I like to see him recognized. Nevertheless I am going to blame him and his so-called rules for the demise of the really good nicknames of the past. On the one hand many from the past (eg "Death To Flying Things", "The Iron Horse", "Hammerin’ Hank", "The Big Unit" and so on) are really newspaper names rather than locker room names. But there were a host of names that were used in daily conversation that aren't often seen in recent decades, such as Sparky Anderson, Pepper Martin, Ducky Medwick, Yogi Berra, Chili Davis. There were also a set of general purpose Red, Lefty, Rube, Pop, Whitey, Dutch names that were once common but don't seem to exist anymore. And that leaves out a ton of the less PC efforts (Pudge, Dummy, Schnozz, Specs) or flat out unacceptable ones (Chief or Buck). All of this I am blaming on Scott. Sorry man.
Also, special notice here for Antonio Alfonseca's nickname of El Pulpo (The Octopus). He has polydactyly, which is to say he has 12 fingers and 12 toes. Seriously. There are pictures.
* OK, "finest baseball writing of our time" is a stretch, but I like to put this anywhere it's even slightly relevant:
Baseball’s Greatest Hoax back from when he wrote for Baseball Prospectus. Worth the read.
posted by Cris E at 10:55 AM on August 24, 2018
Regarding this piece, Scott Miller has produced some of the finest baseball writing of our time* and I like to see him recognized. Nevertheless I am going to blame him and his so-called rules for the demise of the really good nicknames of the past. On the one hand many from the past (eg "Death To Flying Things", "The Iron Horse", "Hammerin’ Hank", "The Big Unit" and so on) are really newspaper names rather than locker room names. But there were a host of names that were used in daily conversation that aren't often seen in recent decades, such as Sparky Anderson, Pepper Martin, Ducky Medwick, Yogi Berra, Chili Davis. There were also a set of general purpose Red, Lefty, Rube, Pop, Whitey, Dutch names that were once common but don't seem to exist anymore. And that leaves out a ton of the less PC efforts (Pudge, Dummy, Schnozz, Specs) or flat out unacceptable ones (Chief or Buck). All of this I am blaming on Scott. Sorry man.
Also, special notice here for Antonio Alfonseca's nickname of El Pulpo (The Octopus). He has polydactyly, which is to say he has 12 fingers and 12 toes. Seriously. There are pictures.
* OK, "finest baseball writing of our time" is a stretch, but I like to put this anywhere it's even slightly relevant:
Baseball’s Greatest Hoax back from when he wrote for Baseball Prospectus. Worth the read.
posted by Cris E at 10:55 AM on August 24, 2018
No algorithm or scientifically-derived rule will ever match the artistry of the unknown Japanese game developer for the non-MLB-Licensed "Fighting Baseball" who dreamed up "Bobson Dugnutt."
posted by Perko at 1:55 AM on August 25, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by Perko at 1:55 AM on August 25, 2018 [1 favorite]
I have only a minimal interest in baseball but I do like overthinking things and attempting to find patterns in functionally random stuff. I played in a band with four people with the surnames Frazier, Morton, Cracknell, and Smith: these would seem to work out as Fraz, Morty, Crackers, and Smitty. Checks out.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 10:44 AM on August 26, 2018
posted by ricochet biscuit at 10:44 AM on August 26, 2018
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