Koontz: AAAAAAAA
August 23, 2018 6:33 PM Subscribe
Clive Barker: Presented for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this... The Tale of the Horny Ghost who liked to Fuck.
A convocation of horror writers delivering their best boo stories, by Mike Rosen of Guttersnipe Comics. [Twitter thread] [cw: sexually violent language]
A convocation of horror writers delivering their best boo stories, by Mike Rosen of Guttersnipe Comics. [Twitter thread] [cw: sexually violent language]
heh
H.P. Lovecraft: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight society, I call this The Tale of the Non-Euclidian Geometry
King: ok what does that mean exactly
Barker: i've been wondering about that too
Lovecraft: what do you mean
Poe: you do bring this geometry up a lot, howard
posted by kokaku at 6:42 PM on August 23, 2018 [11 favorites]
H.P. Lovecraft: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight society, I call this The Tale of the Non-Euclidian Geometry
King: ok what does that mean exactly
Barker: i've been wondering about that too
Lovecraft: what do you mean
Poe: you do bring this geometry up a lot, howard
posted by kokaku at 6:42 PM on August 23, 2018 [11 favorites]
Uncanny!
posted by rodlymight at 6:46 PM on August 23, 2018
posted by rodlymight at 6:46 PM on August 23, 2018
In the dramatic reading, I imagined Jason Mantzoukas playing the part of Dean Koontz, and now I can't get it out of my head.
posted by zombieflanders at 6:46 PM on August 23, 2018 [6 favorites]
posted by zombieflanders at 6:46 PM on August 23, 2018 [6 favorites]
Clive Barker: Is the town in Maine
King: NO
King:
King: yes
I submit that for a brief period sometimes the town would be in Florida. Then he moved back to Maine.
posted by Artw at 7:10 PM on August 23, 2018 [15 favorites]
King: NO
King:
King: yes
I submit that for a brief period sometimes the town would be in Florida. Then he moved back to Maine.
posted by Artw at 7:10 PM on August 23, 2018 [15 favorites]
Oooh, id not seen the Mark Danielewski one before. Yes, yes let the mockery flow...
posted by Artw at 7:15 PM on August 23, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by Artw at 7:15 PM on August 23, 2018 [2 favorites]
Probably shouldn’t be laughing as maniacly at the park at the Ito one as I am. The other parents may get spooked.
posted by Artw at 7:27 PM on August 23, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by Artw at 7:27 PM on August 23, 2018 [4 favorites]
Non-Euclidian Geometries are sad when people make fun of them.
posted by ethansr at 7:38 PM on August 23, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by ethansr at 7:38 PM on August 23, 2018 [1 favorite]
The constant dragging of Dean Koontz is hilarious, and not undeserved. I've occasionally enjoyed some Koontz, but god, is it ever dumb.
posted by Joakim Ziegler at 7:46 PM on August 23, 2018 [12 favorites]
posted by Joakim Ziegler at 7:46 PM on August 23, 2018 [12 favorites]
Dumb question, do those unrolled thread links get updated as more tweets are added?
posted by Joakim Ziegler at 7:47 PM on August 23, 2018
posted by Joakim Ziegler at 7:47 PM on August 23, 2018
Ligotti: the bureaucratic nightmare of existence is the true horror
Ligotti: all is lost
Ligotti: all is lost
Ligotti: [slowly fades away into nothingness] all is lost
King: well that was a thing
Koontz: i have a story about a haunted pumpkin
This is wonderful
posted by dragstroke at 7:56 PM on August 23, 2018 [18 favorites]
I also like how this is equally hilarious by how it parodies authors you like, as well as those you don't like. I love Lovecraft's work (I know, yes, the man was a fucked up racist), a lot of King, a LOT of Barker, most of Junji Ito and I find Koontz ridiculous, Ligotti insufferable, and Derleth a moralistic bore, but this just gets all of them, good and bad.
posted by Joakim Ziegler at 8:04 PM on August 23, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by Joakim Ziegler at 8:04 PM on August 23, 2018 [1 favorite]
This made me like Koontz more than trying to read one of his books did.
posted by betweenthebars at 8:26 PM on August 23, 2018 [9 favorites]
posted by betweenthebars at 8:26 PM on August 23, 2018 [9 favorites]
Yeah I have never read Koontz but I love him now from this.
posted by The otter lady at 8:31 PM on August 23, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by The otter lady at 8:31 PM on August 23, 2018 [1 favorite]
No Shirley Jackson? No Charlotte Gilman? C'mon, you could at least have a tacky wallpaper joke.
posted by storytam at 8:44 PM on August 23, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by storytam at 8:44 PM on August 23, 2018 [4 favorites]
Hey, tentacles are just interesting!
posted by lovecrafty at 8:52 PM on August 23, 2018 [8 favorites]
posted by lovecrafty at 8:52 PM on August 23, 2018 [8 favorites]
Lovecraft: So this eldritch abomination is so eldritch that you can't even look at it
Lovecraft: it's indescribable, just horror beyond imagining
Lovecraft: your brain can't even comprehend it
Lovecraft: but also it looks like a squid
posted by straight at 9:04 PM on August 23, 2018 [19 favorites]
Lovecraft: it's indescribable, just horror beyond imagining
Lovecraft: your brain can't even comprehend it
Lovecraft: but also it looks like a squid
posted by straight at 9:04 PM on August 23, 2018 [19 favorites]
Mary Shelley and Anne Rice show up also.
For the record, I would like to point out the similarities between this and Girls' Bike Club, from the late, great Tomato Nation.
posted by emjaybee at 9:26 PM on August 23, 2018
For the record, I would like to point out the similarities between this and Girls' Bike Club, from the late, great Tomato Nation.
posted by emjaybee at 9:26 PM on August 23, 2018
[fake]:
Campbell: a dying English city, and a group of unlikable protagonists being passive-aggressive to each other
King: does anything happen, scary or otherwise
Campbell: oh yes, it's quite horrible. But its arrival will be met with something like relief
posted by kurumi at 9:40 PM on August 23, 2018 [2 favorites]
Campbell: a dying English city, and a group of unlikable protagonists being passive-aggressive to each other
King: does anything happen, scary or otherwise
Campbell: oh yes, it's quite horrible. But its arrival will be met with something like relief
posted by kurumi at 9:40 PM on August 23, 2018 [2 favorites]
I'm manfully trying to resist burning up the whole day doing this but...
Guy N Smith: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, a terrifying tale of merry old England invaded by horrific giant monsters from the sea…
Lee: It’s crabs again, isn’t it…?
Guy N Smith:… it might be.
Lovecraft: You could try doing squid. Squid are good.
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 3:42 AM on August 24, 2018 [8 favorites]
Guy N Smith: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, a terrifying tale of merry old England invaded by horrific giant monsters from the sea…
Lee: It’s crabs again, isn’t it…?
Guy N Smith:… it might be.
Lovecraft: You could try doing squid. Squid are good.
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 3:42 AM on August 24, 2018 [8 favorites]
Well that thread sure was one hell of a ride of good and funny. Thank you for posting it.
posted by Soi-hah at 4:00 AM on August 24, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by Soi-hah at 4:00 AM on August 24, 2018 [1 favorite]
Stephen Gammell: Hi everyone
King: OH SHIT
Gammell: I thought that maybe for my story I could draw a little something--
King: NO STOP
posted by doctornemo at 5:04 AM on August 24, 2018 [9 favorites]
King: OH SHIT
Gammell: I thought that maybe for my story I could draw a little something--
King: NO STOP
posted by doctornemo at 5:04 AM on August 24, 2018 [9 favorites]
Kephen Sting.
posted by Artw at 5:08 AM on August 24, 2018 [10 favorites]
posted by Artw at 5:08 AM on August 24, 2018 [10 favorites]
I dunno. It felt kinda mean spirited to me. Especially the Clive Barker depictions.
posted by Faintdreams at 5:32 AM on August 24, 2018
posted by Faintdreams at 5:32 AM on August 24, 2018
I want a whole book of this. And a cartoon series.
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 6:03 AM on August 24, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 6:03 AM on August 24, 2018 [2 favorites]
Thank you, I love this. (Also, the sensibility/joke construction seems quite Kate Beaton to me.)
posted by EXISTENZ IS PAUSED at 6:43 AM on August 24, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by EXISTENZ IS PAUSED at 6:43 AM on August 24, 2018 [1 favorite]
The Ligotti bit really ties the whole room together doesn't it
posted by ook at 7:22 AM on August 24, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by ook at 7:22 AM on August 24, 2018 [2 favorites]
These are hilarious. I like how they both mock the writers' for their cliches while doing so lovingly. It feels like the work of a true fan.
posted by Nelson at 7:30 AM on August 24, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by Nelson at 7:30 AM on August 24, 2018 [4 favorites]
I love these, but I think Koontz was treated kind of poorly here. He did, after all, write a novel in which the main antagonists were paranoid circus clowns who believed themselves oppressed by a massive conspiracy of evil circus aerialists which (SPOILER) turns out to actually exist.
posted by suetanvil at 8:05 AM on August 24, 2018
posted by suetanvil at 8:05 AM on August 24, 2018
koontz is such good airport reading, esp for international flights where you're unconscious for 7h in a HKG nap room. even if you lose your place the book makes just as much sense as it would when read in order.
also making up your own pseudo magical-religious mystery tome as the source for your chapter-opening emo poetry is such a power move.
posted by poffin boffin at 9:41 AM on August 24, 2018 [2 favorites]
also making up your own pseudo magical-religious mystery tome as the source for your chapter-opening emo poetry is such a power move.
posted by poffin boffin at 9:41 AM on August 24, 2018 [2 favorites]
Seth Grahame-Smith: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this The Tale from the Public Domain but with Supernatural Horrors.
Kim Newman: Go oooooonnnnnn...
posted by ckape at 10:56 AM on August 24, 2018 [8 favorites]
Kim Newman: Go oooooonnnnnn...
posted by ckape at 10:56 AM on August 24, 2018 [8 favorites]
I deeply approve of how much sweating Lovecraft does.
posted by lumpenprole at 3:07 PM on August 24, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by lumpenprole at 3:07 PM on August 24, 2018 [4 favorites]
Junji Ito was spot on.
posted by The Ardship of Cambry at 3:33 PM on August 24, 2018
posted by The Ardship of Cambry at 3:33 PM on August 24, 2018
That is the longest I ever read a Twitter thread. Thanks.
posted by acrasis at 5:02 PM on August 24, 2018
posted by acrasis at 5:02 PM on August 24, 2018
The Danielewski bit just slayed me. So perfect.
posted by wallabear at 5:46 PM on August 24, 2018 [7 favorites]
posted by wallabear at 5:46 PM on August 24, 2018 [7 favorites]
@midnitemadwoman
Guillermo Del Toro: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this one The Tale of the Innocent Child Surrounded by Not-particularly Evil Monsters and Grave Danger
Hemingway: Ooh, is it set during the Spanish Civil War?
posted by Artw at 8:06 PM on August 24, 2018 [2 favorites]
Guillermo Del Toro: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this one The Tale of the Innocent Child Surrounded by Not-particularly Evil Monsters and Grave Danger
Hemingway: Ooh, is it set during the Spanish Civil War?
posted by Artw at 8:06 PM on August 24, 2018 [2 favorites]
Oh, it goes on.
Chris Columbus: Oh, whatever. The "child in danger" is perfectly fine. It's a child. Nobody ever hurts a kid.
Stephen King: *starts laughing so hard he chokes on his s'more*
Del Toro: Who wants to see Chris Columbus cry?
posted by Artw at 8:09 PM on August 24, 2018 [8 favorites]
Chris Columbus: Oh, whatever. The "child in danger" is perfectly fine. It's a child. Nobody ever hurts a kid.
Stephen King: *starts laughing so hard he chokes on his s'more*
Del Toro: Who wants to see Chris Columbus cry?
posted by Artw at 8:09 PM on August 24, 2018 [8 favorites]
Looks like there's been more added since the post went up.
posted by ckape at 11:43 PM on August 24, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by ckape at 11:43 PM on August 24, 2018 [1 favorite]
I also recommend Mike Rosen's other work — he's illustrated the Malleus Maleficium. (I also love the Furry Found Footage shows; they're collages of bizarre/rare animation and furry fandom stuff — slightly mocking, but he's in the fandom some it comes from a place of knowing-winks more than "haw haw!")
posted by Rev. Syung Myung Me at 12:48 AM on August 25, 2018
posted by Rev. Syung Myung Me at 12:48 AM on August 25, 2018
Oh my god, as someone who was once addicted to RL Stine (in my youth) Pike (in my teens) and Koontz (in my twenties) this thread had tears just steaming down my face from laughing so hard. Thank you.
posted by like_neon at 12:03 AM on August 26, 2018
posted by like_neon at 12:03 AM on August 26, 2018
OK, true confession time. I originally read the unrolled version and based my Danielewski comment on that. Then I got sidetracked and later had the original twitter thread open. Because I'm an idiot (and it's like super-easy to tell the two apart) I didn't notice and a few of the unicode letters were different and I was all AAAAAAAAA DANIELEWSKI'S "VOICE" CHANGED IN TWITTER and it freaked me the fuck right out. I'm only mentioning this because a) it so fits the shtick and b) it took a good minute to go from chills to whut to SMH. Well played, brain.
posted by wallabear at 12:19 AM on August 26, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by wallabear at 12:19 AM on August 26, 2018 [2 favorites]
This is a gut-buster, thank you!
posted by turbid dahlia at 4:09 PM on August 26, 2018
posted by turbid dahlia at 4:09 PM on August 26, 2018
Oh, good, there's more! M. R. James! V. C. Andrews! Brian Lumley! Kim Newman! Algernon Blackwood! Richard Bachman! (Refreshed ThreadReader link)
And many happy returns yesterday, Mary Shelley:
And many happy returns yesterday, Mary Shelley:
Mary Shelley: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this The Tale of the Modern Prometheusposted by Doktor Zed at 3:56 PM on August 31, 2018 [4 favorites]
King: [pointing to pendant] what's that
Shelley: oh this? just the calcified heart of my dead husband
King:
Shelley: [bites head off live bat]
Mary Shelley: so this is a story that i thought of while my boyfriend and i were fucking on top of a grave
Barker: intense
Shelley: you better fucking believe it
Shelley: i'm the queen witch and i only fly at midnight
Shelley: [smashes beer bottle and shivs Barker]
Dean Koontz: hey Mary, I wrote a fan fiction about your modern prometheus story
Shelley: Oh yeah? Let me see
Shelley: [throws Koontz's manuscript directly into camp fire without breaking eye contact] NO FAKE GOTHS
Lee: So underage clown gangbang huh
Stephen King: when will people stop giving me guff for that underage clown gangbang >:C
Joe Hill: dad what are they talking about
King: Nothing Joe, go back to sleep
King: i'll tell you when you're older
posted by Artw at 5:20 PM on August 31, 2018 [1 favorite]
Stephen King: when will people stop giving me guff for that underage clown gangbang >:C
Joe Hill: dad what are they talking about
King: Nothing Joe, go back to sleep
King: i'll tell you when you're older
posted by Artw at 5:20 PM on August 31, 2018 [1 favorite]
fearfulsymmetry is right, this should be animated, or at least a bite-sized podcast
posted by Countess Elena at 5:52 PM on August 31, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by Countess Elena at 5:52 PM on August 31, 2018 [1 favorite]
I see they've touched on one of the eternal mysteires... why, as Dean Koontz gets older, does his hair seem to get younger?
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 7:25 AM on September 1, 2018
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 7:25 AM on September 1, 2018
The're still going...
King: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this The Tale of the Big Dumb Ugly Stupid Lousy Car
Barker: this about the car that hit you
King: maybe
King: anyway
King: King: Driven by the Stupid Fat Dumb Ugly Drunk Loser Guy
.
.
.
Stoker: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this The Tale of Dracula
Barker: 's dick haha
Stoker: stop it, there's no sex in this >:C
Stoker: why are you all so into that gross sex thing?!
Stoker: why can't you all be normal like howard?!
Lovecraft:[sweats]
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 1:42 AM on September 4, 2018 [3 favorites]
King: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this The Tale of the Big Dumb Ugly Stupid Lousy Car
Barker: this about the car that hit you
King: maybe
King: anyway
King: King: Driven by the Stupid Fat Dumb Ugly Drunk Loser Guy
.
.
.
Stoker: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this The Tale of Dracula
Barker: 's dick haha
Stoker: stop it, there's no sex in this >:C
Stoker: why are you all so into that gross sex thing?!
Stoker: why can't you all be normal like howard?!
Lovecraft:[sweats]
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 1:42 AM on September 4, 2018 [3 favorites]
Mark Z. Danielewski: 𝖘𝖚𝖇𝖒𝖎𝖙𝖙𝖊𝖉 for the ǟքքʀօʋǟʟ of the Midnight Society, I call this The Familiar's Wake ¹
Poe: wait what's in that footnote
Danielewski: ¹here are some words that rhyme with wake: bake, cake, lake, jake, drake, snake..
(I didn't finish House of Leaves and this one feels like a Mood to me.)
posted by like_neon at 9:09 AM on September 4, 2018 [2 favorites]
Poe: wait what's in that footnote
Danielewski: ¹here are some words that rhyme with wake: bake, cake, lake, jake, drake, snake..
(I didn't finish House of Leaves and this one feels like a Mood to me.)
posted by like_neon at 9:09 AM on September 4, 2018 [2 favorites]
Trust me not finishing House of Leaves* is absolutely the best option with it over not starting it in the first place.
* I’m not entirely sure *I* technically finished it, having bailed on at least one appendix that was an acrostic and skipped a number of footnotes that looked like dumb lists of things.
posted by Artw at 11:25 AM on September 4, 2018 [1 favorite]
* I’m not entirely sure *I* technically finished it, having bailed on at least one appendix that was an acrostic and skipped a number of footnotes that looked like dumb lists of things.
posted by Artw at 11:25 AM on September 4, 2018 [1 favorite]
House of Leaves does have quite a funny joke about Dopey though
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 11:33 AM on September 4, 2018
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 11:33 AM on September 4, 2018
I couldn't finish House of Leaves. There was too much male nonsense. I remember being moved by the section about the Minotaur, but the men were so reprehensible and the women so weak that I began to realize why I had heard this book was especially popular with clever young dudes.
posted by Countess Elena at 12:10 PM on September 4, 2018
posted by Countess Elena at 12:10 PM on September 4, 2018
I've said it before, but it bears repeating: House of Leaves is a perfectly serviceable 400-page horror novel.
It's just a real shame about the other 300 pages.
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 12:17 PM on September 4, 2018 [1 favorite]
It's just a real shame about the other 300 pages.
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 12:17 PM on September 4, 2018 [1 favorite]
Since the new movie version of The House with a Clock In Its Walls is #1 at this weekend's box office—and this post is still open for a few more hours—here's some more from the Twitter thread:
John Bellairs: [holding a hand of glory] Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this the Tale of Whimsical Magic Suitable for Kidsposted by Doktor Zed at 11:13 AM on September 23, 2018 [3 favorites]
king: where'd you get that hand?
Bellairs: i stole it from a hanged criminal on the gallows
Bellairs: just a normal thing kids do
John Bellairs:Tim was worried re being able to jump high enough to make the basketball team
Bellairs:so he covered himself w flying ointment made from belladonna & the fat of unbaptized babes
Stine:John, I got some advice re writing for kids
Shelley: shut your face, let him talk
Bellairs: So Timmy had never seen so many withered corpses in one mausoleum before
R.L. Stine: now let me tell you, you know what scares the kids? Ventriloquist dummies.
Bellairs:
Bellairs: so there had to be, like, 50 withered corpses
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posted by Countess Elena at 6:36 PM on August 23, 2018 [8 favorites]