Enterprise™ is designed to create computer programs that disrupt markets

September 2, 2018 3:44 AM

Enterprise™ is a non deterministic unnecessarily statically typed Turing-complete programming language. Following on the footsteps of Rockstar, if we make Enterprise™ a real thing, then recruiters and hiring managers won't be able to talk about 'enterprise developers' any more. On top of that, articles about the "Best Programming Languages for Enterprise Development" will lose their meaning.
posted by XtinaS (41 comments total)

They should call their next language "10x".
posted by Ansible at 4:46 AM on September 2, 2018 [8 favorites]

There should be a self-certification scheme for Enterprise™ with tiers called "Two Years" (have read the readme on that github), "Five Years" (have written a Hello World) and so on, so that people may also describe themselves as "an Enterprise™ Developer with Five Years experience".
posted by BuxtonTheRed at 4:48 AM on September 2, 2018 [68 favorites]

You should make that a pull request, BuxtonTheRed.
posted by clawsoon at 4:52 AM on September 2, 2018 [8 favorites]

I've submitted your idea as a New Issue, BuxtonTheRed.
posted by clawsoon at 5:19 AM on September 2, 2018 [6 favorites]

You're referring of course to New Issue™, my new line of leisure outerwear for guys who know what's cool.
posted by phooky at 5:56 AM on September 2, 2018 [10 favorites]

"You've won a toyoda!" .....Now I lost a lawsuit!
posted by lalochezia at 6:04 AM on September 2, 2018 [2 favorites]

The list of issues om github is hilarious.
posted by Foci for Analysis at 6:05 AM on September 2, 2018 [1 favorite]

I had not even noticed the issue tags! A+ would read again.
posted by XtinaS at 6:10 AM on September 2, 2018

The discussion on List must be declared using bullet points is great, especially at the end.
posted by clawsoon at 6:11 AM on September 2, 2018 [1 favorite]

I'm working on an Enterprise to Whitespace transpiler in Ada.
posted by sammyo at 6:34 AM on September 2, 2018 [10 favorites]

@sammyo That is the worst possible idea, and I love it unreservedly.
posted by XtinaS at 6:49 AM on September 2, 2018

They've already added the "top priority" tag to my submission of BuxtonTheRed's idea. This language clearly has its best practises tiger team thinking outside the box.
posted by clawsoon at 7:00 AM on September 2, 2018 [13 favorites]

How about the "senior" tier which is always one year longer than the language has been written?
posted by JoeZydeco at 7:20 AM on September 2, 2018 [7 favorites]

100% of the issues are marked Top Priority, just like in real enterprise!
posted by I-Write-Essays at 7:28 AM on September 2, 2018 [32 favorites]

There is a long-standing urban legend maintains that Disney was cryonically frozen. The Disney Corporation, therefore could have created "Disney on Ice" and the movie "Frozen" specifically to throw off SEO results for People searching for more information about this urban legend.
posted by Monkey0nCrack at 7:47 AM on September 2, 2018 [29 favorites]

"Build: Failing. Coverage: 0%. LinkedIn: READY"
posted by Greasy Eyed Gristle Man at 7:48 AM on September 2, 2018 [3 favorites]

Well, I'm interviewing a candidate with knowledge of Enterprise Development this week, and I feel like the specification fails to address his explicit distinction of 'Full Stack Enterprise Development'...
posted by Nanukthedog at 7:53 AM on September 2, 2018 [2 favorites]

Full Stack is a programming language where the only data type is a first-in-last-out linked list. Make sure he understands the interoperability requirements between it and Enterprise's Hungarian-case naming scheme.
posted by I-Write-Essays at 7:56 AM on September 2, 2018 [7 favorites]

INTERCAL is historically the important language to learn. Here is a nice valid line of INTERCAL code:

PLEASE DO IGNORE .1 <-".1^C'&:51~"#V1^C!12~;&75SUB"V'V.1~

Enterprise seems like it might actually be possible to write something that would keep markets running, rather than disrupting them, defeating the whole purpose. You'd have to hire a Principal Enterprise Architect to make sure that the program didn't actually make the market more functional. It seems that many organizations already have one, which is weird since the language just got invented.
posted by Xoc at 8:33 AM on September 2, 2018 [4 favorites]

OK, I get that is mostly jokey, but the class naming scheme IS the standard for current Microsoft enterprise frameworks right?
posted by signal at 8:43 AM on September 2, 2018 [1 favorite]

Sometimes the best way to parody something is to just state it the way it is.
posted by I-Write-Essays at 8:49 AM on September 2, 2018 [8 favorites]

This is the best feature ever:

If a variable is not used, you may add the

unnecessary

flag to it.

The instructions must be ended with three semicolons (;;;). This a) adds clarity to where it ends, b) beats OCaml by 1 and c) makes your ; key weathered over time, so it will look like you work a lot.

Examples:

var Money evaluatn = 10B;;;
unnecessary var String name = 'Charles';;;

posted by andreaazure at 9:25 AM on September 2, 2018 [2 favorites]

Given most IDEs already highlight and index comments containing FIXME, TODO, and certain types of documentation terms, it seems almost spurious to have to create the new comment types /soon and /¯\_(ツ)_/¯. It's the coder's way of saying, "we know what you're doing. Everyone does it, get over your shame."
posted by ardgedee at 9:35 AM on September 2, 2018

Custom Enterprise™ comments aren't fake! There are perfectly valid business reasons for this esoteric programming language to have language-specific comments, like the one for NDAs. Or the one for passive-aggressive comments, which I now want everywhere.
posted by XtinaS at 9:37 AM on September 2, 2018 [1 favorite]

There's even a parser/compiler for it, Enterprise™ Web3.0™.

Enterprise™ Web3.0™ adds a brand new type of comments to Enterprise™:

because IE comment

/ie
  because IE
ie/

posted by XtinaS at 9:44 AM on September 2, 2018 [4 favorites]

10x would be a cool name for the assembly language on a base 10 emulated computer
posted by ikea_femme at 12:31 PM on September 2, 2018

This is the story of my buried early contributions to the Internet.

"Looting Tips" was a catchy name and kind of unique 10 or 15 years ago. Now it is a million articles about a million computer games.

"The Best Dinner in Bishkek" was one of the only things in English you would have found about that place 20 years ago. Now it seems there are listicles by the score, not even about "10 best" but even 10 Best Indian restaurants there... WTF?

You can't see the work of trailblazers once the 8 lane interstate is built. Make me young again!
posted by Meatbomb at 12:54 PM on September 2, 2018 [5 favorites]

MonkeyOnCrack, that Disney myth is great. I’m not a developer, but i’d repost this if I thought I could help jam the system of automated resume evaluation AI platforms.
posted by xtian at 1:00 PM on September 2, 2018

This is fantastic. I lost it at "beats OCaml by 1".

For a blast from the past, here's another great non-deterministic language: Java2K

...actually, come to think of it, I didn't see anything actually non-deterministic in Enterprise™? Implementation-dependent yes, but random behavior at runtime no?

Although I guess non-deterministic is a weaker guarantee, so perhaps what they mean is that deterministic behavior is not part of their minimum viable product...
posted by equalpants at 3:13 PM on September 2, 2018

I think they are missing a trick by not having an Enterprise version of Enterprise which could be called Enterprise Enterprise with some extra Enterprise features for those Enterprises who find that ordinary run of the mill Enterprise is not quite Enterprisey enough.
posted by Lanark at 3:33 PM on September 2, 2018 [3 favorites]

So, Enterprise 2.0?
posted by E. Whitehall at 3:36 PM on September 2, 2018

If a variable is not used, you may add the

unnecessary

flag to it.

This is no joke! GCC has __attribute__((unused)), I have used unused.
posted by save alive nothing that breatheth at 3:37 PM on September 2, 2018 [4 favorites]

Now that you mention it, they should copy GCC's attribute declaration syntax, as it is very much in the spirit of the project.
posted by ryanrs at 4:55 PM on September 2, 2018

This is no joke! GCC has __attribute__((unused)), I have used unused.

I can see a policy that it gets tagged "deprecated" until the references are all gone, and then tagging it "unused" for 6 months/nbr of release cycles, because people (1) sometime actually use compiler warnings to warn them of things they may have forgotten and (2) Policies ain't always about efficiency. Sometimes they're about comfort zones.
posted by mikelieman at 5:10 PM on September 2, 2018

version Enterprise 1.0: Kirk, Enterprise 2.0: Picard.
any development 0.1 version would be Archer.
posted by oneswellfoop at 6:21 PM on September 2, 2018 [3 favorites]

If running with -XPrimeDirective you can't interfere with the value of any variable.
posted by parki at 6:30 PM on September 2, 2018 [5 favorites]

sometime actually use compiler warnings to warn them of things they may have forgotten

At least that's better than using a runtime error.
throw new NotImplementedException();
posted by foobaz at 6:48 PM on September 2, 2018

Enterprise™is an instance of an Esoteric Programming Language. The first known example was INTERCAL, as mentioned previously. It was created in 1972.
Esolangs embody some combination of the following attributes: Minimalism, new concepts, weirdness, themed, brevity, jokes, obfuscation and difference. Some can actually execute general computation, i.e. are Turing Complete. The known number is well over one hundred. The names of some are NSFW (warning).
One example is Chief. "Chef is a stack-based language where programs look like cooking recipes." The example recipe/program prints "Hello World!" and makes a cake with chocolate sauce. There are two different implementations and one is not correct.
posted by Metacircular at 3:17 AM on September 3, 2018 [3 favorites]

Presumably the people working on Stage 9 can safely put Enterprise Development on their CVs?
posted by Just this guy, y'know at 3:57 AM on September 3, 2018

I'm afraid we can't plug this into our enterprise architecture until there's an XML syntax. Textual grammars are just not future-proofed.
posted by RobotVoodooPower at 5:08 AM on September 3, 2018 [2 favorites]

RobotVoodooPower, you might be interested in the Dependency injection support feature request.
posted by clawsoon at 7:24 AM on September 3, 2018 [1 favorite]