# “Enjoy every sandwich.”September 18, 2018 5:38 AM   Subscribe

What’s the best way to cut a sandwich? [The Takeout] “Today, we focus on the most vexing question to confound mankind since whether a hot dog is a sandwich.”
Straight slice: “The problem with the diagonal slice, though, is that it leaves crumbly corners on the upper-left and upper-right sides of the sandwich, where the bread loaf’s top puffs out slightly. If you’re slicing diagonally, you’re dividing those already precarious corners in two, which increases the risk of a corner tear. The horror! Furthermore!—please picture me as Martin Luther, nailing some sandwich treatises to a wooden door—a vertical cut creates two halves that preserve the original quadrilateral essence of the sandwich.”
Diagonal slice: “Remember the pythagorean theorem (a2 + b2 = c2)? That diagonal slice gives you more inches of crustless surface. It’s also easier to eat, starting with the smaller corners and moving in from there. (I haven’t had a problem with the corner tear.) Want more proof that I’m right? Picture your favorite grilled cheese or tuna sandwich from your favorite diner. Chances are, that sandwich comes to you in a triangle shape, cut on a single diagonal. And those people are sandwich professionals.”
X slice: “The X slice—two straight cuts from corner to opposite corner—builds on the diagonal slice but adds several key improvements. The most notable is that you’re replicating the textural pleasures of a pizza: The apex of the triangle is pure white bread, soft and sumptuous, no stale crust that interjects. Say you’re severely allergic to crusts: With both the straight and diagonal slice, you’re surrounded by crust on either two or three sides, meaning you must carefully navigate your bite-through locations. With the X slice, the crust is cleanly on one side only, ideal for those who prefer eating the soft interior crumb of their sandwiches.”
• Rectangles Vs. Triangles: The Great Sandwich Debate [NPR]
“Consider the numbers, advises Paul Calter, emeritus professor of mathematics at Vermont Technical College. The amount of crust on a sandwich, he says, does not change, no matter how you cut it. But the amount of surface area without crust can change, depending on how many times you cut it and in which direction. If your bread is square, and if each side is 4 inches long, you have 16 inches of crust. Cut that bread down the middle, and you get 8 inches of crust-free surface. Cut that same bread diagonally, Calter calculates, and you end up with almost 11 inches of crustless surface. That's a substantial increase.”
• How Should You Cut Toast? The Internet Is Extremely Divided [Bustle]
“Every now and then, if it was a special occasion or she wanted to be extra fancy, my mom would make me buttered toast sprinkled with cinnamon and sugar, and she'd cut it diagonally. Diagonal meant something special. As an adult, I don't dare to cut my toast diagonally any old day of the week. What's the best way to cut toast, then? The not-so-innocent question was proposed on Twitter by Sheffield Hallam University, who presented tweeters with three options: my mom's fancy diagonal cut, cutting it across horizontally, and cutting it vertically. "How bad could this get?" you're saying. "It's just toast, after all," you're saying. "It all goes in your mouth and into your belly, and it's delicious either way. So really, who cares? What kind of jam are we using?" you're saying. Besides, everyone probably cuts their toast lengthwise, like I always have, right? Right now, let's focus on what really matters. Here's the tweet that started it all. So harmless! Or was it?”
posted by Fizz (88 comments total) 8 users marked this as a favorite

I cut mine right down the middle. The long way.
posted by disclaimer at 5:48 AM on September 18, 2018 [3 favorites]

Pick up your sandwich with both hands and chomp down.

The only knife used should be for spreading the mustard thinly and evenly, if that's on the sandwich in question.

Also, don't miss the "...hot dog is a sandwich..." link in the first article. It's my favorite thing Takeout is doing.
posted by deezil at 5:50 AM on September 18, 2018 [3 favorites]

Related important question: If you unwrap your sandwich and there is one half that is slightly larger than the other, do you grab the smaller half first or the larger half?
posted by Space Coyote at 5:50 AM on September 18, 2018 [3 favorites]

Diagonal just feels fancier. But I also change it up depending on how big the pickle slices on my ham and cheese sandwich are; if they are tiny pickles I cut it into 4 just so there's even pickle coverage without them falling out. In short, go with your heart, but be flexible.
posted by jenjenc at 5:51 AM on September 18, 2018 [4 favorites]

Plain sliced bread needs NO further cutting. Period. Not even 'wide pan' (for which diagonal cut just looks weird).
posted by oneswellfoop at 5:53 AM on September 18, 2018 [3 favorites]

This is ridiculous; the diagonal slice is clearly superior. But I need to share something.

My wife. She does not like hot dogs. But for some reason she eats one or two every summer. I don't know why. But here's what she does: she slices the hot dog lengthwise, like you might do for a child who's apt to choke on an intact tubesteak, but then only puts half of it back into the bun. Half of a hot dog -- sliced lengthwise like a maniac -- in a full bun. It ruins the hot dog / bun balance and just plain looks weird.

I needed to get that off my chest.
posted by uncleozzy at 5:53 AM on September 18, 2018 [27 favorites]

I assume that I am some sort of heretic, because I actually cut my burgers in half, so that I can enjoy the smaller pieces with relative ease and less mess, as opposed to having to unhinge my jaw like a snake.
posted by Major Matt Mason Dixon at 5:55 AM on September 18, 2018 [14 favorites]

And I used to love to watch them make it — say the grilled cheese. They'd have it on the griddle, and they'd slide it off, and with that one swift stroke, cut it in half. Diagonally.

This sounds like a sandwich version of the duel from Seven Samurai. A quick flash of the sword, a moment of stillness, the grilled cheese falls to the plate, defeated.
posted by betweenthebars at 5:58 AM on September 18, 2018 [14 favorites]

Depends on the shape of the sandwich. If it's more or less square "sandwich bread" or a circular roll, then a diagonal cut is best. If it's a long rectangle, then straight across the short way is best (I don't want my chicken parm hero cut on the bias).
posted by slkinsey at 6:01 AM on September 18, 2018 [3 favorites]

circular roll [...] diagonal cut

ಠ_ಠ
posted by uncleozzy at 6:02 AM on September 18, 2018 [26 favorites]

Eat your sandwich on a bagel, you savages.
posted by phooky at 6:03 AM on September 18, 2018 [3 favorites]

I cut my sandwiches vertically and my husband's diagonally because that's what we each prefer and it means if we have similar sandwiches with different condiments it's easy to tell whose is whose. We cut the kraken's sandwiches into triangles to keep them distinct as well. I guess if we have another kid we'll need to do...squares? Weird.
posted by Mrs. Pterodactyl at 6:06 AM on September 18, 2018 [2 favorites]

Clearly cutting your sandwich into inch-wide soldiers for maximum soup adhesion is the correct answer. I mean, who eats a sandwich without soup?

Also, the plus-slice (making four squares) is handy for tidily packing sandwiches for a picnic.
posted by pipeski at 6:07 AM on September 18, 2018 [1 favorite]

it doesn't matter, do what you want
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 6:08 AM on September 18, 2018 [7 favorites]

Cut that bread down the middle, and you get 8 inches of crust-free surface.

Inches are not a measurement of surface. I can't be listening to this person.

While you're here: it depends upon what's in the sandwich.
posted by pompomtom at 6:09 AM on September 18, 2018 [6 favorites]

Hypothetically though, what if you cut your sandwich straight across in the horizontal plane? Would you then have two half sandwiches, or two whole open-faced sandwiches?
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 6:10 AM on September 18, 2018 [7 favorites]

I have a small mouth. Dentists comment on it. I wear a junior's size mouthpiece for martial arts. I am going to cut my damn sandwich unless it's a slider (which often turn out to be pre cut sandwiches.)

Also I need to tell people that last week I distracted an entire team of junior neurologists with the hotdog-sandwich question.
posted by cobaltnine at 6:13 AM on September 18, 2018 [8 favorites]

My only real rule is: if you end up with sandwich components that are as tall or taller than they are wide, you have made a grave logistical error. That also includes sandwiches which have not been sliced yet.
posted by grumpybear69 at 6:13 AM on September 18, 2018 [2 favorites]

Oh COME ON. This isn't even hard. Diagonal slice for when you have company so that all the fillings look fancy and you can place the sarnie on the plate all elegant.

When you are at home and unwatched, slice it down the middle like a HEATHEN, preferably after you've punched a couple of times, so all the fillings compact together into glorious tasty goo and are less likely to plummet down into the bosomular area.

This goes double for the best sandwich, which is cheddar cheese, sliced onion and smoky bacon crisps, which are a bugger to fish out of your bra (SHUT UP YOU KNOW I'M RIGHT)
posted by finisterre at 6:13 AM on September 18, 2018 [13 favorites]

Diagonally cut sandwiches always make me think of the ones that you get from vending machines or from Amtrak lunch cars in the '80s.
posted by octothorpe at 6:19 AM on September 18, 2018 [2 favorites]

A hot dog is only a sandwich if a taco is a sandwich. Which obviously means it's not a sandwich. What are we, barbarians?
posted by lydhre at 6:20 AM on September 18, 2018 [3 favorites]

Cutting a sandwich at all just means there are more opportunities for the tomato and/or pickles and/or whatnot to fall out. That perfect wax/butcher paper wrap on a deli sandwich is my jam.

posted by wellred at 6:22 AM on September 18, 2018 [2 favorites]

False dichotomy. You can always:

1. Slice the sandwich into multiple bite-sized pieces.
2. Crush the sandwich into a single bite-sized ball.
3. Put the sandwich in a cuisinart and liquify it.
4. Load the sandwich into a T-shirt cannon and fire it into your mouth.
5. Open the sandwich and eat two slices of bread adorned with toppings (aka "Scando Style").
6. Berate the sandwich with unfair criticism until it breaks down into hundreds of little pieces.

and so forth. We need to stop the divisiveness tearing our communities apart and embrace diversity.
posted by Aya Hirano on the Astral Plane at 6:28 AM on September 18, 2018 [8 favorites]

How you cut a sandwich doesn't matter as long as you're eating it the way Jackée does in Ladybugs.
posted by everybody had matching towels at 6:30 AM on September 18, 2018

circular roll [...] diagonal cut
ಠ_ಠ

Ha! Good point. But maybe they're all diagonal cuts?
posted by slkinsey at 6:30 AM on September 18, 2018 [1 favorite]

I cut mine with a diagonal slice offset ~3/4" from the ends to make two trapezoids, avoiding the structural instability associated with acute angles in the irregular corners of the bread slice, while still providing a satisfactory point to bite off.
posted by cardboard at 6:32 AM on September 18, 2018 [8 favorites]

eating it the way Jackée does in Ladybugs.

Oh god that's the way my kid eats a taco (so: maybe a hero is a taco) and it drives me somewhat bananas, for no real reason.
posted by uncleozzy at 6:33 AM on September 18, 2018 [1 favorite]

We really need a moratorium on "sandwich posts" until we address the REALLY IMPORTANT questions... like, does the Chipotle Triple Double Crunchwrap FINALLY justify the existence of Taco Bell?
posted by oneswellfoop at 6:36 AM on September 18, 2018 [2 favorites]

THE INTERNET HAS MADE LUNCH TOO HARD!!!

Can someone create a flowchart that walks me through:
• If something is a sandwich
• Best condiments to put on the sandwich
• Based on type of sandwich, time of day, etc., how best to cut it.
• Deciding on the appropriate side (chips vs. fries vs. pasta salad vs. potato salad vs. pretzels)
posted by MrGuilt at 6:40 AM on September 18, 2018 [2 favorites]

Grilled cheese should be diagonal. PB&J or PB& honey I don't cut at all. Precariously tall sandwiches or ones that have lots of loose ingredients that could fall apart, like a BLT, should be rectangles so that they better fit your hands for containment assistance while eating. Toasting the bread helps with structural integrity so if you really want a diagonal BLT, toast the bread first.
posted by misskaz at 6:43 AM on September 18, 2018 [1 favorite]

The X slice makes me think of:
"I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man. I don't know how I get away with it. How'd it start anyway? I like my sandwiches with three pieces of bread. So do I! Well let's form a club then. Alright, but we need more stipulations. Yes we do; instead of cutting the sandwich once, let's cut it again. Yes, four triangles, and we will position them into a circle. In the middle we will dump chips. Or potato salad. Okay. I got a question for ya, how do you feel about frilly toothpicks? I'm for 'em! Well this club is formed; spread the word on menus nationwide."

RIP Mitch
posted by ShakeyJake at 6:45 AM on September 18, 2018 [12 favorites]

Pick up your sandwich with both hands and chomp down.

Seriously! There's never any room for us atheists in these religious arguments.
posted by traveler_ at 6:51 AM on September 18, 2018 [7 favorites]

I was expecting this to be from Dan Pashman!

But seriously, diagonal or bust.
posted by stripesandplaid at 6:58 AM on September 18, 2018

I cut my sandwiches diagonally. It's just more aesthetically pleasing to me that way.

"I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man..."

Preston Sturges said in his autobiography that he introduced the club sandwich to Europe when his mother Mary Desti took him with her as she traipsed around with the likes of Isadora Duncan and Aleister Crowley. [/Fun Fact-like thing (I love me some Preston, but come on, dude, no you didn't)]

posted by droplet at 7:01 AM on September 18, 2018 [1 favorite]

like, does the Chipotle Triple Double Crunchwrap FINALLY justify the existence of Taco Bell?

No, it still tastes the same as everything else at Taco Bell. It's just incrementally additive, not transformative.

And of course the answer is into tiny squares with a tooth pick jammed into each one. Feels so fancy!
posted by The_Vegetables at 7:01 AM on September 18, 2018

HEY, this is a closed-face, horizontally cut, smooth peanut butter sandwich on weird bread with jelly! Weren't you LISTENING?!
posted by J.K. Seazer at 7:06 AM on September 18, 2018 [3 favorites]

I once did an Instagram story with the Poll functionality so I can tell you with robust statistical integrity that

For a Bacon Sandwich:

2) The sauce must be red (majority vote compared to brown sauce)(red sauce = ketchup in the UK)

3) It must be cut diagonally (majority vote compared to cut straight from top to bottom)(I didn't offer straight cut horizontally because what)

If someone voted the Wrong Answer for all 3 parameters I blocked them because I don't need that kind of negative energy in my life.
posted by like_neon at 7:08 AM on September 18, 2018 [3 favorites]

Every time I cut sandwiches for the kids, I always repeat the old adage "triangles are the tastiest shape" to their befuddlement.
posted by doozer_ex_machina at 7:17 AM on September 18, 2018

So do diagonal cutters always cut off the crust? I prefer the aesthetic appearance of triangular sandwiches, but in the interest of maintaining a good balance of top vs bottom crust I always cut it lengthways into two rectangles.

Also an uncut sandwich can't be held in one hand, at least by me, and if it's a buttered toast sandwich it can't dipped into tea so what's the point of that.
posted by tavegyl at 7:17 AM on September 18, 2018

2) The sauce must be red (majority vote compared to brown sauce)(red sauce = ketchup in the UK)

What!? I didn't think I had strong feelings on the topic, but apparently I do. Brown sauce makes up for the terrible sins of Salad Cream.
posted by betweenthebars at 7:30 AM on September 18, 2018 [1 favorite]

MetaFilter: (SHUT UP YOU KNOW I'M RIGHT)
posted by GenjiandProust at 7:38 AM on September 18, 2018 [1 favorite]

I cut my cold ham and cheese sandwiches straight through the middle. I cut my grilled cheese sandwiches diagonally. Whenever I make a grilled ham and cheese how to slice it always gives me pause.
posted by fedward at 7:51 AM on September 18, 2018 [3 favorites]

Goddamned heathens.
First, throw the damned bread out. DO IT!
Now cut your fillings into bite sized bits.
Toss those bits in a bowl, with some greens (your choice),
don't forget the crunchy bits (very important, also your choice),
add the dressing of choice (I prefer mayo or Dijon, sometimes both).
Get out your chopsticks and devour.
It's 2018 people, time to join civil society.

Also, eat peanut butter with a spoon, with some fruit, throw that damned jam out, you don't need it.
posted by evilDoug at 7:56 AM on September 18, 2018 [2 favorites]

My grandfather used to say if you cut a sandwich, the flavor falls out. I think of that every time I cut my sandwich (down the middle).
posted by missmary6 at 7:57 AM on September 18, 2018 [2 favorites]

posted by Segundus at 7:59 AM on September 18, 2018 [1 favorite]

if the sandwich is taller than it's wide, don't cut and get extra bread to make more.
posted by brujita at 8:01 AM on September 18, 2018

Five best ways to cut a sandwich: A listicle

5. With a table saw (first freeze, then cut)
4. With a plasma torch (same as above; freeze first to minimize sandwich ablation, then re-freeze and remove heat-affected zone with a die grinder)
3. With a Salad Shooter and a stick
2. With a knife
posted by compartment at 8:04 AM on September 18, 2018 [5 favorites]

Half of a hot dog -- sliced lengthwise like a maniac

This is the way hot dogs were served to me as a child: sliced in half lengthwise, fried in a pan, then placed either on a bun, or quite often, on a piece of toasted white bread topped with mustard, onion & chili.

Also, team diagonal all the way.
posted by slipthought at 8:11 AM on September 18, 2018 [1 favorite]

It must be cut diagonally

A bacon sandwich cut diagonally??? You must be from down London way (checks profile).

Bacon sandwiches, if cut at all, are cut horizontally across the middle (and none of that vertical nonsense either). And don't complain to me about the crust all being on one half of the sandwich - you pick which half you want, and I'll eat the rest, yer fussy bugger.

I'm very open-minded about sauce, however. A dash of chipotle Cholua, for instance, is a delightful little blasphemy.
posted by pipeski at 8:13 AM on September 18, 2018

One night a year, all sandwich cutting techniques are legal...
posted by tobascodagama at 8:14 AM on September 18, 2018 [12 favorites]

Diagonal if you're pressed for time, but if you're patient, a Banach-Tarski slice gives you two sandwiches of the original size.
posted by mubba at 8:18 AM on September 18, 2018 [7 favorites]

A Mitch Hedberg routine:
I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man. I don't know how I get away with it. How'd it start anyway? I like my sandwiches with three pieces of bread. So do I! Well let's form a club then. Alright, but we need more stipulations. Yes we do; instead of cutting the sandwich once, let's cut it again. Yes, four triangles, and we will position them into a circle. In the middle we will dump chips. Or potato salad. Okay. I got a question for ya, how do you feel about frilly toothpicks? I'm for 'em! Well this club is formed; spread the word on menus nationwide. I like my sandwiches with alfalfa sprouts. Well then you're not in the fuckin' club!

This got me thinking. I ordered a club sandwich the other day and they cut it into squares. I didn't even notice until just now reading this post. Squares? It must be a different club.
posted by eye of newt at 8:22 AM on September 18, 2018 [1 favorite]

Also, eat peanut butter with a spoon,

I do this with a butter knife.
posted by Fizz at 8:38 AM on September 18, 2018 [3 favorites]

Eat your sandwich on a bagel, you savages.
posted by phooky

This savage prefers a plate. But you do you.
posted by Splunge at 8:44 AM on September 18, 2018 [3 favorites]

What's the best way?I read the title and heard clear as day Shohreh Aghdashloo in my head said "However I goddam well like."

You do you. Enjoy your sandwich.
posted by los pantalones del muerte at 8:46 AM on September 18, 2018 [4 favorites]

If I am making a sandwich only for myself, no cut, because I am lazy.

If I am making a sandwich for someone else, or someone else is making one for me:
- triangles, if the bread is approximately squarish
- on a bias (but not corner-to-corner) if the bread is approximately oblong.

The point (heh) of the latter two is that it is easier and more aesthetically pleasing to start eating at an acute angle of the sandwich.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 9:01 AM on September 18, 2018 [1 favorite]

I was trying to think of the weirdest way to do it and came up with diagonally, but from the upper edge of the top piece of bread to the lower edge of the bottom piece of bread. The result would be initially normal but then transition to a flap of plain bread.

I find the idea of the Zorro cut intriguing. Seems like a way to divide a sandwich (or toast) between two people with sharply differing opinions on crust.
posted by jedicus at 9:31 AM on September 18, 2018 [2 favorites]

I hate when a restaurant cuts my sandwich. Leave it alone, I can sort it out myself. I didn't know this was even a topic, I just assumed it was an annoying thing businesses did to make it seem slightly less absurd to pay for a sandwich but actually makes you feel like a little kid whose mouth is too small to eat regularly. I am genuinely surprised to see so many sandwich slicers in this thread. I've been living life abnormally I guess but I will continue to not cut my sandwiches. I bet you guys cut your burgers in half too.
posted by GoblinHoney at 9:33 AM on September 18, 2018 [3 favorites]

I tend to buy bread that is semicircular in cross section, so the pro move is to make two sandwiches, and then five cuts, to form a pentagram 🔥🤟🔥
posted by rodlymight at 9:34 AM on September 18, 2018 [4 favorites]

...she slices the hot dog lengthwise ... then only puts half of it back into the bun. Half of a hot dog -- sliced lengthwise like a maniac -- in a full bun.
More room for bulky toppings like kraut and pickles. More surface area for searing, if you cut before cooking. More fat and water running out of the sausage during cooking. Absolutely essential for oversized sausages like bratwursts, really.
posted by Western Infidels at 9:38 AM on September 18, 2018

she slices the hot dog lengthwise, like you might do for a child who's apt to choke on an intact tubesteak, but then only puts half of it back into the bun.
This comment is a bit more interesting if you say it out-loud in Buffalo Bill's voice.
posted by Fizz at 9:53 AM on September 18, 2018 [3 favorites]

I don't cut sandwiches and get annoyed at people in bagel shops who automatically cut the damned bagel after adding cream cheese. "Sliced, not cut in half" gets me weird looks but god damn it if I wanted half a sandwich or half a bagel I'd ask, thank you very much.

Also who are you weird people with the irrational hatred of crust? Crust is good. Crust is the structural support of the bread, with all the extra crunch and flavor from being in direct contact with the heat. If you don't like the crunchy part of the bread how do you justify eating toast? Imagine a baguette without crust... you're probably the same heathens who scoop the middle out of a brie and ignore the shell entirely
posted by caution live frogs at 10:01 AM on September 18, 2018 [2 favorites]

Hot dog is a kind of soft taco. You're welcome.
posted by Slap*Happy at 10:32 AM on September 18, 2018 [5 favorites]

compartment - A guillotine, surely? And you forget the "no, Mr. Bond" machine.

Also, to answer the question definitively: I once had a little plastic sandwich container shaped like a triangle. So, I mean. Duh. They wouldn't have let them make those containers, would they.
posted by kleinsteradikaleminderheit at 11:10 AM on September 18, 2018 [1 favorite]

Kaiser rolls = better than sliced bread sandwiches.
posted by notreally at 11:44 AM on September 18, 2018 [1 favorite]

why do you do this to us Fizz?
posted by numaner at 12:10 PM on September 18, 2018 [4 favorites]

Triangles taste better. This is the hill I choose to die on.
posted by telophase at 1:09 PM on September 18, 2018 [2 favorites]

Crush the sandwich into a ball, then eat it like an apple. This isn't rocket surgery.
posted by Panjandrum at 2:04 PM on September 18, 2018 [4 favorites]

I make most of my own bread, so when sliced it's usually more elipsoid with the bottom flattened, making a diagonal cut problematic so usually straight down the middle. When dealing with bread of a more traditional square or rectangular cross section, diagonal all the way.

That said: Related important question: If you unwrap your sandwich and there is one half that is slightly larger than the other, do you grab the smaller half first or the larger half?
posted by Space Coyote

It's ruined, throw it away and get a hot dog sandwich.
posted by Blackanvil at 2:10 PM on September 18, 2018

Schlotzsky's Large Original in four slices (like a pizza) or bust.
How many people are in their kitchens right now hauling out the bread? It's Pavlovian here.
posted by TrishaU at 2:11 PM on September 18, 2018

What kind of fucking heathens cut their sandwich horizontally?

Diangonal cut all the way. I like the pointy corners.
posted by Weeping_angel at 2:11 PM on September 18, 2018

I get my kids to eat novel sandwiches they would otherwise reject as weird by cutting it diagonally, then cutting ONE of the resulting pieces diagonally again. Then I stand the big triangle up in the middle, and the two little triangles up on the sides of the big one, holding it up, and tell them it's an airplane sandwich.

(This also leaves a lot of space for cauliflower clouds on a small plate!)

They will eat anything this way.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 2:17 PM on September 18, 2018 [6 favorites]

MetaFilter: I've been living life abnormally I guess.
posted by TrishaU at 2:17 PM on September 18, 2018 [1 favorite]

the fact that SOME PEOPLE who are FOOLS think there is one singular definitive way to cut sandwiches should not deter the rest of us who are RIGHT AND ALSO CORRECT from spreading the true gospel of "it depends what kind of sandwich you're cutting"

i have spoken
posted by poffin boffin at 3:05 PM on September 18, 2018 [3 favorites]

it depends what kind of sandwich you're cutting"
Amen. Say hallelujah, but not like Leonard Cohen.

Any sandwich with bacon is best cut at a 90 degree angle from the bacon orientation.

If the sandwich has cheese then the cut should be diagonal from the orientation of the cheese slices.

And any sandwiches with multiple slices of tomato should get a cut that intersects with where the tomato overlaps.

Club sandwich cut in squares? Sounds like a Young Republicans Club.

Related to previous sandwich discussions: my allergy to peanuts made PB&J a no-go for me growing up so my mother tried (quite successfully) Cream Cheese & Jelly. But those were never cut, nor were baloney/bologna or salami/salame with less than 4 slices.

And you want an easy way to piss off a hipster? Cut his Avocado Toast.
posted by oneswellfoop at 3:32 PM on September 18, 2018 [1 favorite]

I had lunch at a cafeteria this afternoon and ordered a chicken salad sandwich. The cafeteria person made the sandwich, wrapped it tightly in wax paper, and then sliced it straight across with a huge sharp knife, the wax paper keeping everything in place. She then folded the sandwich back like butterfly wings so both the cut ends were exposed side-by-side. She then put the sandwich, cut ends up, in a clear plastic take-out tub, so it looked like a work of art of horizontal stripes of bread and filling. It was a treat to remove each side, still wrapped in a sheath of waxed paper, and eat it.
posted by acrasis at 3:55 PM on September 18, 2018 [5 favorites]

Kaiser rolls = better than sliced bread sandwiches.
posted by notreally

Objectively correct.

It's ruined, throw it away and get a hot dog sandwich.
posted by Blackanvil

Or a burrito sandwich.

How many people are in their kitchens right now hauling out the bread? It's Pavlovian here.
posted by TrishaU

Or tortillas.
posted by Splunge at 4:10 PM on September 18, 2018 [1 favorite]

Kaiser rolls = better than sliced bread sandwiches.

But hard rolls better than almost anything that I can think of.
posted by octothorpe at 5:02 PM on September 18, 2018

Ctrl-F for "chainsaw," then "machete." Leaves thread in huff.
posted by aspersioncast at 5:14 PM on September 18, 2018 [1 favorite]

down, not across
posted by joeyh at 6:05 PM on September 18, 2018 [1 favorite]

joeyh demonstrates their preferred method for the first pass at crossword puzzles.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 6:26 PM on September 18, 2018

Major Matt Mason Dixon, this is the great pleasure of eating a White Spot burger -- they're already cut for you.
posted by jrochest at 7:50 PM on September 18, 2018

I cut mine with a diagonal slice offset ~3/4" from the ends to make two trapezoids, avoiding the structural instability associated with acute angles in the irregular corners of the bread slice, while still providing a satisfactory point to bite off.

This is exactly right. By splitting the difference between vertical and diagonal cut, you get all the advantages of diagonal cut with none of the disadvantages.
posted by rifflesby at 11:46 PM on September 18, 2018

Kaiser rolls = better than sliced bread sandwiches.

But hard rolls better than almost anything that I can think of.
posted by octothorpe

I've always thought that they were the same thing. Do you have specifics as to how they differ?
posted by Splunge at 3:06 PM on September 19, 2018

I fell down a well researching which Kaiser they're named after (conclusion: not so much a specific Kaiser as a common practice at the time of naming the best whatever as the Kaiser whatever as a way to drum up business; the Kaiser at the time was Franz-Joseph I but I couldn't find any contemporary reports that corroborated that particular honor as having anything to do with him individually. I look askance at any modern claim the rolls were named after him and not just his station).

Anyway. In doing that research I learned that they were originally just called sweet rolls, which was itself a well to fall down, the bottom of which being a contemporary source that described how they were made with (newly) cultivated yeast (as distinct from a wild, sour starter).

So. Anyway (again). All that is preface to this: I've always thought that they were the same thing.

A Kaiser roll is a roll made from refined flour and cultivated yeast, which can be traced to a place (Vienna) and a time (the mid 19th century) when people finally figured out commercial yeast production (as a byproduct of the commercial production of beer). It's traditionally topped with poppy seeds and shaped with a sequence of folds that form the distinct pinwheel or crown pattern after rising and baking.

The rolls which are now called hard rolls were called Kaiser rolls before the First World War. There seemed to be a regional difference in techniques in the states in the northeast where they were popular (before, during, and after the war), so you may find that the thing labeled a hard roll in some parts of New York is formed and baked in such a way that it has a harder crust (and, in my experience, a denser texture) than the Kaiser roll made elsewhere. You may also find the thing somebody might call a hard roll being sold, mutatis mutandis, as a Kaiser roll. You might even find a softer, fluffier thing more true to its Viennese origins. If you go to my local Safeway you can buy something called a Kaiser roll that has the shape but none of the charm.

Regardless, the original technique and recipe seem to have been the same, from Vienna by way of Fleischmann. There's also something called a Vienna roll that may or may not actually be different from a Kaiser roll in current usage, even though everything I saw in my search for late 18th century sources seemed to refer to them interchangeably. By the point I got to trying to find out if Vienna rolls are indeed the same, however, I was too frustrated to let myself fall down yet another well unless there were a book deal in it. And I'm pretty sure there is not.
posted by fedward at 6:39 PM on September 19, 2018 [4 favorites]

Kaiser rolls are soft squishy impostors that look just like hard rolls but taste like wonder bread.
posted by octothorpe at 7:05 PM on September 19, 2018

I submit that there is a Platonic Ideal Kaiser roll, distinct from both the hard roll and the flavorless fluff, which has a crisp (but not hard) crust and a moderately chewy (but not dense), flavorful crumb, and it is also a desirable thing. But then my hard roll experiences have been more bad than good, so you say "hard roll" and I hear "stale and overworked" even though I presume that's not really the ideal condition you're after.
posted by fedward at 7:29 PM on September 19, 2018 [1 favorite]

If you are in a certain part of New England, you can have a Portuguese bulkie-roll, and in whole-wheat! Super soft, from crust to crumb, yet can hold up to the sloppiest of joes. Perfect burger bun, perfect BBQ - pulled-or-sliced - sandwich bun that can also accommodate the slaw and sauce (EXTRA hot mustard style, thankya). Does the bulkie roll work for blade-meat sammidges? AKA cole-cuts, aka luncheon-meat? Supa-fine slices of two-key, ham an rose-biff, all piled high with cheese on the top and bottom? Yes it does! It holds up well to eggstra piggles holda mayo, lotta mustid. Lots of crumb for the juices and condiments to soak into.

No, serious, I'm not certain if Calise sells mail-order, but their 100% whole-wheat bulkie-rolls are everything you could ever imagine wanting in a sandwich bread, save for consistent top/bottom slicing. Just order them unsliced and make a jig for your bread-knife. Worth it.
posted by Slap*Happy at 12:43 AM on September 26, 2018 [1 favorite]

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