Go home birds, you're drunk
October 4, 2018 5:50 AM   Subscribe

 
This used to happen at my first library job, when wood pigeons would feast on the berries on the trellis outside the building and then drunkenly fly around the quad and into a window. On one unfortunate occasion, a balcony door was open and a drunk wood pigeon got in. It was quite something as the library was a post-war quasi-Victorian with a balcony second level and a central atrium, which this poor drunk birb weaved around and around before finally ending in a drunken stupor in a second floor bay, where after being caught by the Assistant Librarian, it was put in a shoe box to sleep it off.

The Distinguished Members of the library were most alarmed. The staff was mostly hysterical with laughter.
posted by halcyonday at 6:10 AM on October 4, 2018 [24 favorites]


This happened at my elementary school growing up in central Iowa. Being a bird nerd, I remember the species, so before clicking on the FPP link I thought, "bet they were cedar waxwings!". Indeed. Drunkards.
posted by mcstayinskool at 6:26 AM on October 4, 2018 [14 favorites]


I wanted more video of drunken birds... like, falling off the telephone wires, flying into each other, texting their exes, etc.
posted by Grither at 6:28 AM on October 4, 2018 [14 favorites]


Stiteler even blogged about an encounter she had with an intoxicated waxwing trying to fly into the ground a few years ago. She made a detox box so the bombed bird could sleep off its stupor before setting it free.

"Much like your drunk friend who sleeps on the couch, it threw up and felt better… I gave it some carbs and some water and it did the flight of shame home," she said.


Park Ranger Sharon Stiteler, National Hero.
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 6:49 AM on October 4, 2018 [35 favorites]


It's cool. They're not driving.
posted by Capt. Renault at 6:52 AM on October 4, 2018 [4 favorites]


Oh, this is a general issue in northern MN right now. The road I'm about to drive up to work is full of this, little tiny birds flitting about, and the corpses they leave behind when the cars don't miss them. One thing we've also heard is that it is specifically affecting the smallest birds, which makes it harder to avoid them as they fly so fast and erratically when sober, they are little kamikazes when drunk.
I also saw a fawn deer stumbling in circles, but that might have just been normal fawn deer stuff. I prefer to imagine that much of the woodland creatures are drunk RN.
posted by neonrev at 7:11 AM on October 4, 2018 [10 favorites]


I *KNEW* it was going to be those damn waxwings. Beautiful birds who shit berries all over.
posted by Stewriffic at 7:23 AM on October 4, 2018 [5 favorites]


texting their exes

They mostly use tweets, actually.
posted by traveler_ at 7:26 AM on October 4, 2018 [55 favorites]


I have heard that California had this problem in the past. A lot of the older freeways had oleander bushes in the center median. When the berries dropped and fermented, there was an increase in bird deaths as the birds would drunkenly walk or fly into traffic.
posted by Badgermann at 7:28 AM on October 4, 2018 [1 favorite]


They mostly use tweets, actually.

Not when they're drunk they don't.
posted by Namlit at 7:28 AM on October 4, 2018 [1 favorite]


Patrick Costello was unavailable for comment, but this reporter is confident in saying that getting birds drunk is the kind of thing he would do.

This is what you get for closing the Tripple Rock.
posted by East14thTaco at 7:29 AM on October 4, 2018


Ok so what we got here in this area and time of year is moose getting drunk on fermented apples. I prefer birds I'm sure.
posted by Namlit at 7:29 AM on October 4, 2018 [9 favorites]


Our neighbors' Saint Bernard used to get drunk on the fermented apples on the ground in the yard and stumble around happily. Which was especially embarrassing for them because they were the rather upright local minister and his good wife living at the rectory with said dog. But it was Adorable to those of us working next door, though, as she got Even More Friendly (and clumsy).
posted by ldthomps at 7:35 AM on October 4, 2018 [9 favorites]


Ok so what we got here in this area and time of year is moose getting drunk on fermented apples. I prefer birds I'm sure.

Holy shit. I'd rather meet a drunk Mike Tyson.
posted by East14thTaco at 7:41 AM on October 4, 2018 [4 favorites]


I love that I'm not the only one who immediately knew they'd be cedar waxwings. So majestic, so drinky.
posted by fiercecupcake at 7:50 AM on October 4, 2018 [4 favorites]


Ok so what we got here in this area and time of year is moose getting drunk on fermented apples. I prefer birds I'm sure.
posted by Namlit


Please don't ferment birds.
posted by Splunge at 9:08 AM on October 4, 2018 [9 favorites]


The Washington Post picks up the story, noting that the Audobon Society in Oregon and people in the Yukon operate drunk tanks for birds.
Matthew Dodder, a self-described “bird guy” with four decades of birding experience who leads classes in Palo Alto, Calif., told The Washington Post that the key giveaway to tell whether birds are drunk is their goofy behavior. ...
“They just get sloppy and clumsy,” Dodder said. “They have actually fallen out of trees on occasion.”
posted by Hypatia at 10:01 AM on October 4, 2018 [2 favorites]


So, would we describe these birds as "angry" drunks?
posted by Strange Interlude at 12:09 PM on October 4, 2018 [1 favorite]


The Washington Post picks up the story, noting that the Audobon Society in Oregon and people in the Yukon operate drunk tanks for birds.

This is all very good, but who will provide drunk tanks for the underserved angry drunk wasp demographic?
posted by gamera at 12:38 PM on October 4, 2018 [3 favorites]


You can capture slugs in your garden by putting out a dish of beer for them to be attracted to and then drown in. Except then neighborhood cats will come and eat the drowning slugs, and be very intoxicated indeed.
posted by blnkfrnk at 1:02 PM on October 4, 2018 [3 favorites]


You can capture slugs in your garden by putting out a dish of beer for them to be attracted to and then drown in.

When I tried this, the local slug population had a 'rager' and destroyed my swiss chard and kale. Stale IPA--the most bitter I could find at my WholeFoods--was a catalyst for nematodian rage. Didn't slow them down at all. It was the worst one night of slug damage I'd experienced before or since.
posted by GhostRider at 1:33 PM on October 4, 2018 [9 favorites]


Hipster slugs?
posted by Splunge at 1:57 PM on October 4, 2018


Re: Slugs and beer. It's the yeastiness that appeals to them, so actually really cheap beer works better, IMO. No need to spend $$'s on slugs, fer cryin' out loud.
posted by dbmcd at 1:57 PM on October 4, 2018 [2 favorites]


So, would we describe these birds as "angry" drunks?

I am pretty sure they would flat-out deny any such accusation. "We like berries, OK?"
posted by Namlit at 2:57 PM on October 4, 2018 [7 favorites]


who will provide drunk tanks for the underserved angry drunk wasp demographic?
Kavanaugh discussion goes in the mega-thread. Also he claims to be Catholic.
posted by Nerd of the North at 4:56 PM on October 4, 2018 [9 favorites]


I really love that so many animals will seek out ethanol in food. I'm not super sure about the evolutionary just-so stories about it, but it's a fun thing that happens in nature. Thanks for the post.
posted by Made of Star Stuff at 4:48 AM on October 5, 2018


I really love that so many animals will seek out ethanol in food.

I just tried to interview the fruit flies in my kitchen about this topic but they were incoherent.
posted by Namlit at 5:51 AM on October 5, 2018 [3 favorites]


I just tried to interview the fruit flies in my kitchen about this topic but they were incoherent.
posted by Namlit


At least that's the local buzz.
posted by Splunge at 2:09 PM on October 5, 2018 [1 favorite]


Please don't ferment birds.

But balut is so delicious tho
posted by ananci at 2:35 PM on October 5, 2018


we get these waxwing boozers in Florida, too.
posted by Don Pepino at 4:13 PM on October 5, 2018


I was the shadow of the waxwing slain
By fermented berries fuckin' up my brain
And also yeah the false azure of the windowpane, lol,
GIVE ME MY KEYS BRENT
posted by invitapriore at 7:17 PM on October 5, 2018 [2 favorites]


A Tweet By a Drunk Bird

I have eaten
the berries
that were on
the branch

and which
you were probably
thinking
were rotten

Forgive me
they were tangy
so swoot
and so smashed what me no

Hello ground

Ouch
posted by Splunge at 5:04 PM on October 6, 2018 [5 favorites]


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