"Birds"
October 12, 2018 1:37 AM   Subscribe

A pigeon is spying on you. "We needed a way to keep an eye on the American citizens without them knowing. It was imperative, for their own safety of course. We hired only the best. It took years. We designed, built, tested, failed. We persisted. Eventually, over decades, we had it. A fleet of covert technological surveillance devices unlike anything the world had ever seen. We called them, 'Birds'"
posted by episodic (41 comments total) 9 users marked this as a favorite
 
WAKE UP PEEP-LE!
posted by chavenet at 1:39 AM on October 12 [12 favorites]


I hardly think a few birds are going to bring about the end of the world
posted by unliteral at 1:50 AM on October 12 [1 favorite]


What is Trump if not a seagull who's bad at golf?
posted by axiom at 2:23 AM on October 12 [2 favorites]


A seagull manager, certainly.
posted by chavenet at 2:25 AM on October 12 [1 favorite]


What is Trump if not a seagull who's bad at golf?

Are there good-at-golf seagulls?
posted by The Potate at 2:26 AM on October 12 [2 favorites]


Surely the average seagull handicap must best Cheeto Benito's.
posted by axiom at 2:38 AM on October 12


I'm sorry to say it, but this website looks to be for the birds.
posted by Quackles at 2:50 AM on October 12 [1 favorite]


I just left Paddington station in London and saw this on my mobile while there. It prompted me to look around and I was quite surprised that there were no pigeons within sight. Not a single one. There are a lot of spikes on flat surfaces on the infrastructure in Paddington but that's been the case for a long time and I have always seen them there before. Is this a simple clean up, or evidence of something more sinister?
posted by biffa at 2:59 AM on October 12 [2 favorites]


I mean have you ever seen a baby pigeon? No. I mean that's weird, right? Like conspiracy weird.

*X-Files sound*
posted by Fizz at 3:07 AM on October 12 [6 favorites]


Ahhh, an excuse to link to my personal favorite MetaFilter comment of all time.

The truth is, most of these birds don't even exist. There are only two types of birds out there:

1. Pigeons
2. Seagulls

posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 3:32 AM on October 12 [12 favorites]


...is this a simple clean up, or evidence of something more sinister?
posted by biffa at 5:59 AM on October 12

Was it the 4:15?
posted by clavdivs at 3:36 AM on October 12


The reason you never see baby pigeons is because they like to nest in insanely high places away from people, like trees aren't high enough. Go higher.
posted by 80 Cats in a Dog Suit at 4:30 AM on October 12 [1 favorite]


The reason you never see baby pigeons is because they like to nest in insanely high places away from people, like trees aren't high enough. Go higher.

That's what they want you to think. They just emerge fully grown, I know the truth.
posted by Fizz at 4:44 AM on October 12 [1 favorite]


I'm not going to tell anyone how to live their life or what to believe, but the domain birdtruth.com is available. I'm just saying. If someone wanted to create a rebuttal site, who are we to stop them from sharing the truth of birds.
posted by Fizz at 4:59 AM on October 12 [1 favorite]


While I was reading this, my parrot, Turtle Bird, chuckled ominously.
posted by kinnakeet at 5:01 AM on October 12 [4 favorites]


1. Pigeons
2. Seagulls


Pfft. Seagulls are just pigeons on vacation.
posted by Thorzdad at 5:04 AM on October 12 [10 favorites]


[ click of small claws on the balcony railing ]

[ me: starts to turns around ]

[ sudden flapping and fluttering ]

[ me: sees nothing ]

[ me: notices a tiny pin feather fluttering down ]

CAROL! WE'VE BEEN MADE! [ starts throwing shit into a backpack ] We have to get out of here!
posted by seanmpuckett at 5:08 AM on October 12 [9 favorites]


biffa: I wondered if the answer was "they've got a hawk" but it is!

http://www.hamhigh.co.uk/news/sally-the-hawk-keeps-paddington-pigeons-at-bay-1-1507660

Their current incumbent is called Pluto.
posted by lokta at 5:20 AM on October 12 [2 favorites]


"... for their own safety of course." is the bit that sells it, imho. The muted web site design also helps, a far cry from the hyper-energetic OMFGWEALLGONNADIWHYCANTYOULISTEN tinfoil nuttery.
posted by Old'n'Busted at 5:24 AM on October 12


Let them drive the bus!
posted by brujita at 5:50 AM on October 12 [2 favorites]


I mean have you ever seen a baby pigeon? No. I mean that's weird, right? Like conspiracy weird.

There were actually some nesting in a tree that overhangs my garden, so yes. They're very fluffy and like to take turns sitting on each others' backs!

I however have no explanation for their parent pigeons choosing THE ONLY BRANCH which directly overhangs my garden, home to two birdwatching cats
posted by fraula at 5:51 AM on October 12 [1 favorite]


I mean have you ever seen a baby pigeon? No.

Actually, yes, I have!

We have a small porch, and there is a beam spanning across it about 10 feet up. Spring before last, a pair of mourning doves built a little nest up there. I kept meaning to disrupt it so they'd nest somewhere else, but with a baby you never have enough time and I only ever thought about it when I was too tired to do anything about it and, well, in the end there were a few eggs in the nest and I didn't have the heart to squash them.

Eventually the chicks hatched, and they all made a big mess of the porch, but it was worth it to watch the chicks fledge. The mama would kick them out of the nest, the chick would fall—splat!—to the floor, and then try to climb back up to the nest. We have a big window next to the porch where we'd watch them from, and the chicks didn't understand the concept of glass, so they'd think it was a ledge and try to jump onto it—bonk!—and then bounce back to the floor—splat!—and this process would repeat itself, with four little chicks, over and over and over again. Bonk! Splat! Bonk! Splat! Bonk! Splat!

I do not believe these animals to be a danger to anyone but themselves.
posted by ragtag at 6:19 AM on October 12 [4 favorites]


fraula: There were actually some nesting in a tree that overhangs my garden, so yes.
ragrag: Actually, yes, I have!

Metafilter has been infiltrated by those wishing to cover up the birds' true nature -- I'm outta here! [begins throwing shit into a backpack]
posted by AzraelBrown at 6:50 AM on October 12 [2 favorites]


I'm not afraid of pigeons but when hiking I'm always wary of crebain from Dunland.
posted by Ber at 6:56 AM on October 12 [3 favorites]


Seems like a no-brainer.
posted by PHINC at 6:57 AM on October 12


The truth is, most of these birds don't even exist. There are only two types of birds out there:

1. Pigeons
2. Seagulls


3. Ravens
posted by elsietheeel at 7:00 AM on October 12


obvs, Ravens are just goth pigeons
posted by supermedusa at 7:02 AM on October 12 [11 favorites]


True.

Yesterday I saw a raven walking around on the ground and I said hello and told him he was a handsome fellow and at that moment he picked up something that was suspiciously round and white... it looked exactly like an eyeball.
posted by elsietheeel at 7:08 AM on October 12 [2 favorites]


The wild turkeys are our neighborhood watch committee
posted by The Ardship of Cambry at 7:19 AM on October 12 [2 favorites]


That site is amazing. I predict a Netflix series soon.
posted by davidmsc at 7:21 AM on October 12


That site is amazing. I predict a Netflix series soon.

Black Mirror: Birds Aren't Real
posted by Fizz at 7:24 AM on October 12 [1 favorite]


I mean have you ever seen a baby pigeon?

The ones you see are the babies. The adults have a 12 foot wingspan, live in the mountains, and can carry off full grown humans and livestock.

(Shamelessly stolen from here.)
posted by TedW at 7:41 AM on October 12 [7 favorites]


the truth of birds

That's gonna be my new sockpuppet name.
posted by Greg_Ace at 8:34 AM on October 12


"But what is water? It's a difficult question because water is impossible to describe. One might ask the same about birds. What are birds? We just don't know."
posted by one for the books at 9:39 AM on October 12


YOU FOOLS! BIRDS ARE JUST VOLES WITH JETPACKS!
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 9:49 AM on October 12 [1 favorite]


We hand reared a baby pigeon for several weeks once. The kids called him pidge. The vet told us to feed him cat food. That turned out to be quite ironic in the end. Our kids are all in their thirties now but we still talk about Pidge occasionally.
posted by night_train at 10:31 AM on October 12 [4 favorites]


Squabs.
posted by Segundus at 10:35 AM on October 12


*Ahem* The proper term for a baby pigeon is of course a smidgen.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 11:28 AM on October 12 [4 favorites]


Anytime the nature center I volunteer with gets a frantic call about a really unusual baby bird, it turns out to be a pigeon. And there are some strange ones. We got all geared up for the “baby pelican” someone found paddling around in the waves in the Atlantic with no parents in sight and it was ... sure enough... a baby pigeon. We have no idea how it got so far off shore (fell off a ledge on a cruise ship?) or how it stayed afloat, but pigeon it was.

It’s ALWAYS a baby pigeon.
posted by Nancy_LockIsLit_Palmer at 11:54 AM on October 12 [1 favorite]


I had a smidgen hatch on my seventh-floor balcony several years ago. They are pretty hideous grotesque distinctive-looking early on and it took several weeks before it began to look pigeon-like. I eventually got tired of the horrid piles of vile guano it was producing and like a parent with a kid who has stayed at home far too long, began hinting it should strike out on its own.

One day I ushered it to the ledge of the balcony and after taking a moment to deal with the fact that it had been seven storeys up for its entire life, it took wing and flew off. Not so much as a postcard since then.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 1:12 PM on October 12 [3 favorites]


Re the Paddington pigeons - the hawk is security theater, actually the pigeons are being let go in increasing numbers, losing their jobs to automation.
posted by hat_eater at 6:43 AM on October 13


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