“To have light, there must first be darkness,”

October 16, 2018 9:13 AM

Montegrappa Chaos Watch & Pens by Sylvester Stallone [YouTube] “Sylvester Stallone [has] teamed up with the 106-year-old Italian luxury brand Montegrappa to create the Montegrappa Chaos Limited Edition. But a pen like this, inspired by 16th-century artists such as Battista Franco and Sebald Beham, couldn’t simply just be put on sale. No, a pen like this needed a trailer. The trailer, which has just resurfaced on social media, it is easily the most ostentatious project Sylvester Stallone has been involved with. It deserves to be deconstructed.” [via: The Guardian]
posted by Fizz (50 comments total)

The Guardian breakdown is definitely worth a read.
posted by EndsOfInvention at 9:17 AM on October 16, 2018 [2 favorites]

Maybe you're thinking, so this was a few years ago, they've probably learned their lesson and calmed down by now, right?

Nah. Stallone's a partner in Montegrappa, and their recent releases include this Samurai pen, and the Revolver from this summer.
posted by rewil at 9:23 AM on October 16, 2018 [1 favorite]

And there I was thinking I was being needlessly extravagant for buying a pencil that costs £6.50.
posted by Eleven at 9:24 AM on October 16, 2018 [2 favorites]

a.) it just... keeps going.

b.) "Now Available on Steam Early Access."
posted by Horkus at 9:31 AM on October 16, 2018 [4 favorites]

Previously, but well worth a revisit.
posted by AlonzoMosleyFBI at 9:33 AM on October 16, 2018 [1 favorite]

That is a remarkably ugly pen. But if I was Ozzy or Ronnie Dio I'd totally own one and I would sign all my contracts in BLOOD (or at least red ink).
posted by Ashwagandha at 9:35 AM on October 16, 2018 [6 favorites]

This pen has got a little metal fist on it, along with all the other tat that makes it look about as comfortable to hold as a knotty poo. Sylvester Stallone made this.

These two sentences, these are indeed the power of the written word, but that which I would rather not have in my hand.
posted by chavenet at 9:37 AM on October 16, 2018

Oh -- I actually like the Samurai pen...
posted by touchstone033 at 9:38 AM on October 16, 2018

Finally, a pen for the man who needs to compensate for the size of his diction.
posted by peeedro at 9:39 AM on October 16, 2018 [13 favorites]

That's the second time I've been reminded of POV-Ray in as many days.
posted by ckape at 9:40 AM on October 16, 2018 [2 favorites]

The Homer of pens.
posted by prepmonkey at 9:43 AM on October 16, 2018 [4 favorites]

So does the $5,000 ballpoint have the same shitty $0.05 ink cartridge that all the cheap ballpoints have? Do crazy pens like this use some exclusive ink maker?
posted by JoeZydeco at 9:48 AM on October 16, 2018 [1 favorite]

The last section made me dizzy, wow, ok... well I could go for this if the tiny sword was sharpened to a razor edge and if there was an internal heating element so that the person you handed it to was literally burned when he (and it's not being sexist -- no self respecting female would touch one) grabbed the silly thing.

(well, no self respecting male would either, omfg what a fungly malapropos ridiculous thing)
posted by sammyo at 9:48 AM on October 16, 2018

Oh -- I actually like the Samurai pen...

Jesus Christ, you can buy the most expensive Namiki urushi fountain pen with your choice of raden or maki-e decoration signed by the best pen artisans of Japan for less than that.

On the other hand, if you want a hideous writing implement for a fraction of the price, Jinhao has you covered. Scroll down to "similar items" for, well, similar items.
posted by sukeban at 9:59 AM on October 16, 2018 [3 favorites]

That's the second time I've been reminded of POV-Ray in as many days.

Yeah, where did they find the circa 2001 ray tracer to render that ad?
posted by GuyZero at 10:02 AM on October 16, 2018

such a scam, stop showing me the cgi mockup, where's the pen? it goes without saying that it looks as fug as it is unbalanced. also, clearly not meant for people who'd ask actual questions about the type of nib, metal used, piston and feed mechanism...

also in conclusion if you spend that much money on a ballpoint you deserve mockery
posted by cendawanita at 10:02 AM on October 16, 2018 [4 favorites]

if steroids were a pen
posted by Ten Cold Hot Dogs at 10:05 AM on October 16, 2018 [5 favorites]

If you want to see the Chaos in use, Figboot has you covered there, too.
posted by rewil at 10:06 AM on October 16, 2018 [4 favorites]

The Venn diagram is "angry suburban 1980s white boys who like the angriest of angry heavy metal" and "people who have £40,500 to spend on a pen."

I wonder how big the overlap is.
posted by clawsoon at 10:12 AM on October 16, 2018 [5 favorites]

Both the watch and the pen people (both of which I am, after a fashion) think these are hilarious.
posted by sfred at 10:13 AM on October 16, 2018 [1 favorite]

Favourited for pure delightful awfulness. This is Big Smo levels of... something.
posted by clawsoon at 10:15 AM on October 16, 2018

If it is not hewn from the living rock, I have no interest.
posted by thelonius at 10:17 AM on October 16, 2018 [1 favorite]

From the Samurai pen page:
It resides in a luxurious black lacquered box, with the ancient, original Chinese character for “Samurai” printed on top.

Um...
posted by Orange Pamplemousse at 10:28 AM on October 16, 2018 [4 favorites]

So in Chinese it's the "servant pen"?
posted by clawsoon at 10:32 AM on October 16, 2018

Jesus Christ, you can buy the most expensive Namiki urushi fountain pen with your choice of raden or maki-e decoration signed by the best pen artisans of Japan for less than that.

Oooh! Those pens, I do like.
posted by diziet at 10:36 AM on October 16, 2018

If I were going to spend 4 figures on a pen, I'd go straight to Nakaya.
posted by rewil at 10:47 AM on October 16, 2018 [2 favorites]

This reminds me that, for decades, Stallone wanted to direct (and, in his earlier years, star in) a biography of Edgar Allan Poe.
posted by Halloween Jack at 10:49 AM on October 16, 2018 [1 favorite]

So, essentially, this is the pen that Conan the Barbarian would have used?

That is, if they had pens in the Hyborian Age.
posted by Phlegmco(tm) at 10:55 AM on October 16, 2018

I encourage the interested to check out the Figboot video rewil links to. The thing is more grotesque in person and super heavy looking. However, and most importantly, Figboot reveals this bit of trivia about the pen - it is almost sold out! Only about 200 left so act fast!
posted by Ashwagandha at 11:18 AM on October 16, 2018 [1 favorite]

From the video review of the Revolver pen: "If you are a gun and fountain pen aficionado looking for something in the $8000 range, then this is the pen for you." And he was really trying to do a serious review.

You guys, it comes with ten tiny bullets. You can put them in ten tiny chambers in the pen. Also comes with a magnet so you can take them out again. As the reviewer says, "They're numbered so you'll know which one you lost."
posted by J. Tiberius at 11:22 AM on October 16, 2018 [8 favorites]

If a person really wanted their handwriting to be a display of the most florid and extravagant wealth, I bet you could make mechanical pencil leads from an alloy of gold that would only need to be a little softer than the pure metal itself and just as bright on paper.

Say gold with single digit %s of bismuth, for example, or tiny, tiny amounts of gallium.

And there I was thinking I was being needlessly extravagant for buying a pencil that costs £6.50.
posted by Eleven

I have that pencil too, Eleven. It's one of the few really new developments in mechanical pencils for a while, and has become sort of a standard gift I buy for people I know who still use wooden pencils, or want their pencil work to look like it was produced by technical pens.

I use it with 4B leads.

Uni should really make one which takes .09 mm leads, which my local university bookstore claims are most popular now, and for which the difference from ordinary mechanical pencil lines would be the most dramatic.
posted by jamjam at 11:35 AM on October 16, 2018

I sell office supplies, and yeah 0.9 and 0.7mm are by far outpacing 0.5mm pencils these days. We've even got some 1.1 and 1.3mm options that are gaining traction among outdoorsy types and contractors. Most people find the 0.5 and 0.3mm leads break far too easily. The 0.7 and 0.9mm leads still give an acceptably fine line, with greater writing fluidity and less breakage. My favorite "not gonna cry if I should lose it" everyday pencil is the Alvin DR07 retractable. The eraser is kinda small, but I love the retractable point for sliding it into my shirt pocket.
posted by xedrik at 12:13 PM on October 16, 2018 [4 favorites]

I fucking LOVE fountain pens, and have for 30 years. Montegrappa has always and only been incredibly tacky bullshit for jackasses. Think golf shirts and cigars. Bros. Ugh.
posted by uberchet at 12:17 PM on October 16, 2018 [3 favorites]

oh my god - so perfect: He doesn’t say, “To have normal pens, you must also have legitimately batshit pens,” but this sentiment is heavily implied.
posted by rude.boy at 12:23 PM on October 16, 2018 [4 favorites]

Uni should really make one which takes .09 mm leads, which my local university bookstore claims are most popular now, and for which the difference from ordinary mechanical pencil lines would be the most dramatic.

You probably want a clutch, or this one from Kaweco.

Kuru Togas are nice for those who like their pencil lines sharp.
posted by sukeban at 12:35 PM on October 16, 2018 [1 favorite]

This pen is ugly. I have to assume this pen manufacture just makes shitty, ugly, tacky pens.
posted by GoblinHoney at 1:04 PM on October 16, 2018

So bad it's good! But at those prices I'd have to settle for the Jinhao
posted by The Ardship of Cambry at 1:06 PM on October 16, 2018

Say gold with single digit %s of bismuth, for example, or tiny, tiny amounts of gallium.

Doesn't gallium melt at skin temperatures, though?
posted by Chrysostom at 1:25 PM on October 16, 2018

We’ve even got some 1.1 and 1.3mm options that are gaining traction among outdoorsy types and contractors.

Man I wish someone would revive the Scripto K21 I used in elementary school. That was the perfect pencil for a kid.
posted by JoeZydeco at 1:32 PM on October 16, 2018

The World of Warcraft pen.
posted by Robin Kestrel at 2:30 PM on October 16, 2018

This pen has got a little metal fist on it, along with all the other tat that makes it look about as comfortable to hold as a knotty poo. Sylvester Stallone made this.

"Oh, you know what a knotty poo feels like hold in your hand?"

"Yes. I own a dog."
posted by srboisvert at 2:47 PM on October 16, 2018

It resides in a luxurious black lacquered box, with the ancient, original Chinese character for “Samurai” printed on top.

Um...

It's awkwardly phrased, but "侍" is a Chinese character, and it does mean "samurai" in Japanese.
posted by Edgewise at 2:53 PM on October 16, 2018

If I was stupidly rich I would find it difficult to resist buying this.
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 3:03 PM on October 16, 2018 [1 favorite]

The pencil Eleven linked to is a Kuru Toga, sukeban, but your link has tipped me to the existence of the Kuru Toga Advance, which rotates the lead twice as fast as the one Eleven and I have, and has a sliding sleeve to boot, so I might have to buy that.
posted by jamjam at 3:08 PM on October 16, 2018 [1 favorite]

This pen looks incredibly uncomfortable to hold and use.
posted by turbid dahlia at 3:30 PM on October 16, 2018

Ah yes, like "a knotty poo". Perfect.
posted by turbid dahlia at 3:38 PM on October 16, 2018

Say gold with single digit %s of bismuth, for example, or tiny, tiny amounts of gallium

Doesn't gallium melt at skin temperatures, though?

What I would want from gallium mixed with gold is a nontoxic version of mercury/gold amalgam, in which a small amount of liquid gallium would disperse evenly throughout the gold and soften it slightly, but it looks like gallium and gold actually form a compound when mixed, so that might not work -- but an interesting fact I ran into while looking at this is that gallium is corrosive to all other metals except tungsten and tantalum.
posted by jamjam at 3:40 PM on October 16, 2018 [1 favorite]

your link has tipped me to the existence of the Kuru Toga Advance
Yay me too! I knew there was a reason to read all of this thread about a stupid ugly pen!
posted by wilberforce at 3:54 PM on October 16, 2018

This is pretty refreshing.

So often I see a celebrity with their name tacked onto the product and I think to myself: "They didn't design that thing with their name on it, they just let this company use their name for some cash."

But not here, oh no. Here, I sincerely believe that no 'designer' was involved in the building of this pen or watch. I fully believe that Sylvester Stalone himself said to the folks "yeah, so like a snake, a big snake thing. and skulls, those are awesome. balance? Not if we have to sacrifice our big skull. Oh, holy shit, did I forget a big sword? Fuck yeah, put that in there too!"

This design has a deep, deep integrity to it.*

* Obviously all critiques are completely valid, this is an absurd thing that a 12 year millionaire boy would want.
posted by el io at 10:24 PM on October 16, 2018 [5 favorites]

I live by Kaweco Sport fountain pens now. They're so teensy, but post to full-size! They're so light! I have them matching the colours of ink (grey, green, red). I need to get a syringe.

To me, fountain pens are about frugality and simplicity. I mean they're just capillaries for dyed water!
posted by rum-soaked space hobo at 8:40 AM on October 19, 2018 [1 favorite]