An Amazing Obituary
October 16, 2018 3:18 PM   Subscribe

 
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posted by TedW at 3:21 PM on October 16, 2018 [1 favorite]


This is very beautiful, thank you.

I have a friend who deals with addiction, and who has told us all that when she dies, to see that she's remembered as a mother, an artist, and a harm reduction worker. She knows how she's otherwise seen.
posted by ITheCosmos at 3:22 PM on October 16, 2018 [10 favorites]


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Brought tears to my eyes.
posted by rogerrogerwhatsyourrvectorvicto at 3:22 PM on October 16, 2018


If you are reading this with judgment, educate yourself

QFT, and not just for this article; for so much of life.
posted by chavenet at 3:24 PM on October 16, 2018 [21 favorites]


Beat me to it. This is achingly beautiful.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 3:48 PM on October 16, 2018 [1 favorite]


There is a lot to love in this obituary, but the thing that jumped out to me is the acknowledgment that Madelyn’s drug use began at a party.

I’m part of a harm reduction organization that fields a lot of media requests. Many times, journalists who contact us want to hear narratives of drug use that begin with a legal prescription for pain medication after an injury or surgery and then escalate. It’s a comfortable media narrative because it paints users as unknowing victims of corrupt big medicine and big pharma, and there’s no doubt that the medical field has a lot to answer for in the current overdose crisis. But that narrative has the unfortunate effect of creating a dichotomy between “good” users corrupted by professionals and “bad” users who brought their problems upon themselves. In reality, of course, there is humanity in every drug user, no matter what circumstances led them to addiction.

I love that this is an obituary for a person who doesn’t necessarily for the “good drug user” narrative du jour but is still full of warmth and empathy. I could throw in a dead goat about how race affects drug use, but I’m choosing to appreciate the family who wrote this lovely piece through their grief instead.
posted by I am a Sock, I am an Island at 3:54 PM on October 16, 2018 [62 favorites]


Some of you have tried opiates, probably by prescription, and not felt drawn to their effects. But some of us were enchanted with the eternal lure of the poppy. Were I a Christian, I would thank God every day that I didn't cross the line from Oxycontin to heroin.

I would also say God bless Maddie and her family.
posted by kozad at 4:06 PM on October 16, 2018 [22 favorites]


I liked this a lot. And was sad at the lost potential. So sad. And so sad at that little boy in the picture, and so sad she didn't make it through everything to be there for him.

But this is the most painful, and for me, who hasn't got everything I've wanted out of life, recognisable bit:
During the past two years especially, her disease brought her to places of incredible darkness, and this darkness compounded on itself, as each unspeakable thing that happened to her and each horrible thing she did in the name of her disease exponentially increased her pain and shame.
posted by ambrosen at 4:27 PM on October 16, 2018 [12 favorites]


Mod note: A few things removed, please refrain from using this as a jumping off point for any sort of "well MY opinion about drugs is..." derail.
posted by cortex (staff) at 4:30 PM on October 16, 2018 [11 favorites]


Damn, one year older than my son. I'd be so gutted that I'm not sure how I'd cope.
posted by octothorpe at 4:35 PM on October 16, 2018 [3 favorites]


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posted by ChuraChura at 4:39 PM on October 16, 2018


Thank you for sharing that, for helping the many important messages therein, get a little farther out into the world.
posted by armoir from antproof case at 5:09 PM on October 16, 2018


That was incredibly moving and definitely brought tears to my eyes.

As someone who does encounter people struggling with addiction every day in my work, I feel the burden of how poorly able we are to help. I know about trauma informed care and bupenorphine and safe injection sites and 12 steps and harm reduction and I support all these measures and most everything else evidence based. But it is a horror that seems to resist treatment for even some who have love, support, income and evidence based care. It's tremendously sad.
posted by latkes at 5:14 PM on October 16, 2018 [6 favorites]


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posted by gusandrews at 5:32 PM on October 16, 2018


Yes to just about all of the above. I think that I've said this before on the blue, but it bears repeating: part of my attitude of gratitude in my recovery program for alcohol addiction is gratitude that I didn't get hooked on opiates.

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posted by Halloween Jack at 5:45 PM on October 16, 2018 [1 favorite]


I don't want to derail this from the topic of addition, but I think the admonition against dehumanizing addicts quoted here applies in so many (often overlapping) contexts: this might be US-centric, but we are encouraged as a matter of cultural background to dehumanize people that are suffering along so many axes, and we are encouraged to believe that their suffering is ultimately the result of some completely uncoerced choice that they made. I have a homeless neighbor who has been living on the streets since she was ten years old. Her parents were heroin addicts, and she had to get out, but the USA isn't a country that gives black children in such circumstances an opportunity to find financial stability or otherwise. This sort of casual dehumanization of real human beings (that's not to say there are "unreal" human beings, just to emphasize how much we destroy in people when we reduce them to being merely "addicts" or "homeless" or what have you) carries across generations, and that seems like an ultimate evil, to damn children to the same status of non-person that has been so callously applied to their adult parents. Compassion is a virtue that we bandy about, but true compassion is, sadly, still a radical act. I want to live to see the day where that is no longer true.
posted by invitapriore at 6:35 PM on October 16, 2018 [27 favorites]


As I have said countless times, we all know at least one junkie that we don't know is a junkie. And damn Hollywood to hell for our perceptions of drug addiction.
posted by Brocktoon at 6:38 PM on October 16, 2018 [10 favorites]


That coda in the last four paragraphs, where they take the beauty and sadness in their daughter’s life and show it again to the readers and challenge us all to do more and to do better — damn. God bless that amazing family and I hope they find solace.
posted by wenestvedt at 6:50 PM on October 16, 2018 [11 favorites]


This is beautiful. She sounds like she was great.
posted by colorblock sock at 7:12 PM on October 16, 2018 [1 favorite]


nthing invitapriore
This sort of casual dehumanization of real human beings...

Seeing homeless people, people with addictions, veterans who are suffering from the effects of service, mistreated prisoners and people living in poverty in the US makes me ashamed to be a citizen. The people who scorn them make me think less of the scorners. The least I can do is stop and introduce myself, ask their name and where they're from, shake their hand, put a dollar in their hand and touch their hand as I do it, or buy a Street Roots and call the vendor "sir" or "ma'am".
posted by bendy at 7:38 PM on October 16, 2018 [7 favorites]


"Our grief over losing her is infinite. And now so is she." That hit me hard.
posted by gryftir at 12:32 AM on October 17, 2018 [5 favorites]


During the past two years especially, her disease brought her to places of incredible darkness, and this darkness compounded on itself, as each unspeakable thing that happened to her and each horrible thing she did in the name of her disease exponentially increased her pain and shame.

Last year while my friend was beginning her struggle to get clean, we talked about some of the rough times she had had earlier. I brought up (without judgement) one of the times she had lied to my husband and I to borrow money - it sucked at the time, but I had made peace with it. A few hours later she texted me the most heartfelt of apologies and an illustration of her grief and shame: She had completely pushed the action out of her mind until I had brought it up - it was so out-of-character for her, and she had been so ashamed at the time that she refused to think about it.

My friend came out the other side of addiction and has been able to take an account of her dark places, and she's a stronger person for it. Reading this reminded me that many, many people do not get that chance.

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posted by hopeless romantique at 4:01 AM on October 17, 2018 [6 favorites]


An average of 14 people a day die of drug overdoes in Ohio, where I live. This is a national crisis. Each person who loses their battle with addiction is a loss for all of us. We can do better. We must do better.

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posted by Kangaroo at 4:51 AM on October 17, 2018


Same here in Pennsylvania, 15 per day.
posted by octothorpe at 5:16 AM on October 17, 2018


7 per day in Michigan.

. . . . . . .
posted by Etrigan at 6:06 AM on October 17, 2018


Also, a pretty amazing comment on that obituary from the Chief of Police in Burlington VT.
posted by nicwolff at 7:14 AM on October 17, 2018 [26 favorites]


Thank you for posting that response by the police chief. How much better the nation would be if everyone in that position had a similar approach and had the same goals.
posted by Bella Donna at 7:39 AM on October 17, 2018 [2 favorites]


Here is a link to the police chief’s comments that is not on Facebook for those who do not do Facebook.
posted by Bella Donna at 7:41 AM on October 17, 2018 [10 favorites]


This is timely for me. I'm having a hard time seeing an addict, family member, as human. I've just witnessed so many lies and so much abuse. It's not the easiest thing.
posted by PHINC at 9:31 AM on October 17, 2018 [6 favorites]


Yeah, that police chief's comment helps a lot. Much to pullquote, including this one:
Why did it take a grieving relative with a good literary sense to get people to pay attention for a moment and shed a tear when nearly a quarter of a million people have already died in the same way as Maddie as this epidemic grew?
posted by Melismata at 11:56 AM on October 17, 2018 [1 favorite]


PHINC, I have struggled in similar ways. It is anything but easy to love, care about, or be close to someone who has an addiction. Going to Al-Anon meetings, which are for the friends and families of alcoholics, helped me learn to practice loving detachment and begin to remember the wonderful things about the people in my life who were various flavours of addicts. It took several years (and therapy and other things) but Al-Anon was, by far, the most helpful thing in learning to set boundaries with addicts to protect myself and, in the process, learn to love them again or become free to love them without resentment. Dunno if that makes sense. Of course, your mileage may vary.
posted by Bella Donna at 12:07 PM on October 17, 2018 [2 favorites]


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et al.
posted by allthinky at 12:18 PM on October 17, 2018




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posted by daybeforetheday at 3:55 PM on October 20, 2018


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