there can be only one
October 18, 2018 10:14 AM   Subscribe

The Best Halloween Candy, Ranked

Why did they make this? It’s a Halloween mystery, and I am sure that whatever the answer is, it is quite spooky.

posted by poffin boffin (214 comments total) 9 users marked this as a favorite
 
Appallingly high ranking of Three Musketeers. This author cannot be trusted.
posted by scose at 10:18 AM on October 18, 2018 [18 favorites]


Huh. Today I learnt (as a non-Usian) that a tootsie pop and a tootsie roll are different things. I had wondered how the whole 'how many licks' thing worked with a tootsie roll.

Also, your smarties are weird. Sounds like a Parma violet style candy? Not that I eat smarties now (nestle) but they were always a favourite.
posted by halcyonday at 10:21 AM on October 18, 2018 [3 favorites]


And appallingly low ranking of Payday. (Really, lower than Hershey's and Krackel?) I think this author must have burned off all her taste buds eating Warheads.
posted by Daily Alice at 10:21 AM on October 18, 2018 [13 favorites]


Those are not Smarties. Those are Rockets. Smarties are like M&Ms, but better.
posted by Fish Sauce at 10:22 AM on October 18, 2018 [15 favorites]


Any "Hallowe'en Candy Ranked" list that doesn't include Kerr's Molasses Kisses anywhere on it, not even as the least desirable, is NOT EVEN WRONG. Pfft.
posted by seanmpuckett at 10:23 AM on October 18, 2018 [8 favorites]


#32 is just plain wrong, and that is coming from me as a 40-year-old who seriously just contemplated the -- no shit[1] -- $135 shipping costs to have a $20 bag of dum-dums shipped to me (overseas) from Amazon. GIVE ME MY STUPID SUGAR POPS, DAMN YOU. And cream soda is the best. Fight me.

Also, #37, salted PayDays are awesome. Ranked lower than Mike & Ike's? And Now and Laters and candy corn? For real? Like, for really real? Candy corn hasn't even got a name. Y'all tripping.

#28, Jolly Ranchers? No. Those are, like, #592. Nobody wants stupid Jolly Ranchers, not least because they are not jolly.

1 - I'm sure that shipping cost was actually code for "the third-party seller is out of stock, but also too lazy to remove the listing," but GIVE ME MY STUPID SUGAR POPS, DAMN YOU.
posted by sldownard at 10:23 AM on October 18, 2018 [8 favorites]


This discussion ignores an ongoing atrocity in Canada: Kerr's Molasses Kiss
posted by nubs at 10:24 AM on October 18, 2018 [5 favorites]


Well, they did get the #1 candy correct.
posted by fiercecupcake at 10:25 AM on October 18, 2018 [11 favorites]


I applaud Raisinets for still existing.

Harsh but fair.

Also, yes, this is very American and only marginally applicable to Canadian Halloween.

Check your Halloween privilege, USAians.
posted by GuyZero at 10:25 AM on October 18, 2018 [7 favorites]


I always mix up Mike & Ikes and Good & Plentys which is actually a pretty terrible slur upon whichever one is not disgusting licorice.
posted by poffin boffin at 10:25 AM on October 18, 2018 [4 favorites]


Any "Hallowe'en Candy Ranked" list that doesn't include Kerr's Molasses Kisses anywhere on it, not even as the least desirable, is NOT EVEN WRONG. Pfft.

Greetings. Is this the thread we come to for the annual Canadian Kerr's Molasses Kisses fight?
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 10:26 AM on October 18, 2018 [12 favorites]


Hershey's chocolate should be lower than crunch or krackel. It's subpar chocolate with a bad mouthfeel.
posted by dinty_moore at 10:26 AM on October 18, 2018 [19 favorites]


It's missing the real trash: the Bit-o-Honeys, the Peanut Butter Bars*, the little strawberry hard candies that look like strawberries. The kind of stuff no one would ever buy themselves.

Also, for me, the mini-Krackels are forever a Christmas food, when they would appear, together with little Special Darks and Mr. Goodbars, in a little dish on the mantle or the secretary and then disappear around New Years. As a kid, balancing the right ratio of the best of them (Krackel, Special Dark) with the plain Hershey's so you didn't wind up with a dish of only Hershey's at the end was the subject of a lot of planning.

*The best of this lot.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 10:26 AM on October 18, 2018 [17 favorites]


Hey, didn't we do this last year? And the year before? Didn't it end in tears like it always does? I am really surprised and saddened that you haven't learned your lesson. Hand over the candy.
posted by sexyrobot at 10:27 AM on October 18, 2018 [18 favorites]


Oh god, I didn't know what those Kerr's Molasses Kisses were actually called. They are the worst. I still eat them, because hey, sugar, but always as a last resort.
posted by Fish Sauce at 10:27 AM on October 18, 2018 [1 favorite]


Also, yes, this is very American and only marginally applicable to Canadian Halloween.

Yeah but didn't Canada already have Halloween on September 8th or thereabouts?
posted by lefty lucky cat at 10:27 AM on October 18, 2018 [26 favorites]


Greetings. Is this the thread we come to for the annual Canadian Kerr's Molasses Kisses fight?

I'm trying to get it going, but it might be a sideshow this year. All anyone from outside the country is going to want to talk about with us is legal pot.
posted by nubs at 10:27 AM on October 18, 2018 [8 favorites]


I feel like they picked 40 candies, randomized the order, then wrote justifications. Because this list is just all over the place. I do love the enthusiasm for Caramel Apple Pops though!
posted by potrzebie at 10:28 AM on October 18, 2018 [2 favorites]


Yes, yes, it's a TRADITION.

Also, where the HECK are the NECCO WAFERS they are also worth fighting about.
posted by seanmpuckett at 10:29 AM on October 18, 2018 [8 favorites]


I came for a big fat Molasses kiss.

Was disappointed.
posted by mazola at 10:29 AM on October 18, 2018


Sounds like a Parma violet style candy?

Same basic format, but with a variety of extremely mild flavors. Smarties are a decent chew every now and then, but as chalky candies go they're nothing much compared to SweeTarts or Bottle Caps—both unaccountably omitted from this list.
posted by Iridic at 10:30 AM on October 18, 2018 [2 favorites]


Where are the SweeTARTS?
posted by mefireader at 10:31 AM on October 18, 2018 [8 favorites]


Every ranking on that list is wrong.

Except 34.
posted by mazola at 10:31 AM on October 18, 2018 [1 favorite]


I always mix up Mike & Ikes and Good & Plentys which is actually a pretty terrible slur upon whichever one is not disgusting licorice.

I thought they were both disgusting licorice? Doesn't matter, I'm not risking it.

Halloween candy is pretty much all garbage if you're an adult who can buy her own treats. Easter candy is way, way better. Plus, you don't have to wander around after it.
posted by gladly at 10:31 AM on October 18, 2018 [1 favorite]


The drawings are strangely delightful.
posted by neroli at 10:32 AM on October 18, 2018 [11 favorites]


The last time I was in London (summer 2017) I was astonished to find warehouse-sized American candy shops everywhere, even Picadilly Circus & Leicester Sq.

They also sell sugary cereal, like Froot Loops.

Not that I would know anything about that.
posted by chavenet at 10:34 AM on October 18, 2018 [2 favorites]


Tootsie Rolls continue to populate children’s Halloween totes due to inertia and nothing else. We have to do our best to stop accepting things as the way they are simply because it’s the way they’ve been. Cut this thinking out of your life whenever you can.

This here is a very astute observation.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 10:34 AM on October 18, 2018 [7 favorites]


All anyone from outside the country is going to want to talk about with us is legal pot.

how much legal pot would it take to make you like molasseskisses
posted by poffin boffin at 10:35 AM on October 18, 2018 [6 favorites]


I enjoy any and all gummy/fruity candies and feel like those should be higher on the list especially because Halloween was really the only time we had them in the house. Halloween is really all about the sugar candies because Easter and Christmas both have chocolate and there isn't another socially acceptable time to dump an entire box of Nerds in to your gob.

That being said, one time I mistook a Pay Day for a Baby Ruth and was VERY DISAPPOINTED. I didn't eat either for years because I somehow thought they got rid of the chocolate from the Baby Ruth.
posted by backseatpilot at 10:36 AM on October 18, 2018 [3 favorites]


Did anyone ever actually like those chewy generic orange and black things that were...taffy? Or possibly some kind of sealant?
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 10:36 AM on October 18, 2018 [13 favorites]


chewy generic orange and black things

i recently learned that those are meant to be peanut butter flavoured, not that anyone who has ever eaten even the most repulsive adulterated american brand of peanut butter could have discerned this.
posted by poffin boffin at 10:37 AM on October 18, 2018 [4 favorites]


I find the wide spread in the ranking of Dots, Sweedish Fish, Twizzlers, and gummy bears deeply confusing.

Everything else about the list is also wrong, but those aren't even internally consistent. This is some first class candy trolling.
posted by eotvos at 10:39 AM on October 18, 2018 [10 favorites]


Also, where the HECK are the NECCO WAFERS they are also worth fighting about.

*clings to your arm in solidarity*

I like PayDay bars too, dammit.

Also, there's something missing from the list but probably because it's missing from most people's candy consciousness in general: the Take5. This is a candy bar with nougat, caramel, peanut butter, a pretzel, peanuts, and chocolate - it's like a Snickers and a Reeses' Peanut Butter cup had a three-way with a bag of Rold Golds.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 10:39 AM on October 18, 2018 [14 favorites]


Nobody wants a Mounds.

...and we're done.
posted by Halloween Jack at 10:41 AM on October 18, 2018 [15 favorites]


Who the fuck doesn't like mounds? It has dark chocolate for christ's sake. I can see hating almond joy (protip: bite the almond out and spit in outside), but mounds is great. The author also ranked PayDay pretty low for just being peanuts and caramel, but 3 Musketeers gets a pass even though it is just vomit-flavoured (seriousl, many cheapass milk chocolates share the signature flavour of vomit, forget the name of the chemical) chocolate and some filler bullshit. Even milky way has the decency to include caramel with its bullshti filler and vom-choc.

Oh, and this fucker hates Haribo too.

Also, I love the orange and black peanut butter taffy things. It's the fun of taffy but in the middle there's a soft peanut buttery goop.
posted by GoblinHoney at 10:41 AM on October 18, 2018 [8 favorites]


I just remembered the time we went trick-or-treating and ended up at the door of a single guy (unusual in our bedroom community, I guess) who forgot it was Halloween? And gave us all Slim Jims. My parents did not let us eat them, which I am still mildly sore about.
posted by backseatpilot at 10:41 AM on October 18, 2018 [11 favorites]


Necco wafers: when you enjoy your bonemeal/earwig honey confections in the shape of a disk rather than a heart, accept no substitutes
posted by logicpunk at 10:43 AM on October 18, 2018 [6 favorites]


Who the fuck doesn't like mounds?

Anyone who hides coconut in delicious chocolate should be tried for war crimes.
posted by backseatpilot at 10:44 AM on October 18, 2018 [22 favorites]


Who the fuck doesn't like mounds?

People who don't like the flavour or texture of coconut?

Personally I only started liking them in my 40s. I never hated them per se, I'd just throw them out rather than bothering to put them in my mouth.
posted by GuyZero at 10:44 AM on October 18, 2018 [2 favorites]


Smarties???!!!

The person who wrote this needs to just shut the fuck up. They are bad and their opinions are bad. Why hasn’t this post been deleted yet?
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 10:48 AM on October 18, 2018 [6 favorites]


Like, I’m pretty sure you can go to Internet jail for posting something as offensive and wrong as this.
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 10:49 AM on October 18, 2018 [7 favorites]


While I accept that Laffy Taffy is objectively bad, it's what I feast on in early November when everyone at work brings in their leftover assorted candy for two reasons. Mainly, I like taffy significantly more than most people, so even bad taffy is good to me. Secondly, with every one you eat, you get a window into the mind of a semi-anonymous child who decided to send a terrible pun into a candy company. A sample would be this one from Jimmy G. of Oil City, LA: What do you call a nun sleep walking? A Roamin' Catholic!!

Another that I've come to treasure so much that I saved the wrapper for years to occasionally reflect on it is courtesy of Benjie M. from Charlotte, NC., who I can only assume was by far the biggest goth in his 3rd grade class:

Q: What kind of tea is often hard to swallow?

A: Reality
posted by Copronymus at 10:49 AM on October 18, 2018 [20 favorites]


I avoid non-chocolate candy unless it's butterscotch, so marked N/A for most of this list.

Perfectly happy to eat a fun-size Mounds or Almond Joy, but probably wouldn't want to eat a full-sized one of either, now that I think about it.
posted by thomas j wise at 10:51 AM on October 18, 2018


the little strawberry hard candies that look like strawberries
Do you mean the ones that are hard on the outside but chewy on the inside, and come in a bunch of different flavours, like pineapple? Because I love those, and if I could find them year round I'd have a bowl on my desk at all times. Also those banana marshmallow things. And mints. Give me all your mint candies.
Oh, and this fucker hates Haribo too.
Isn't Haribo the company that put Lycasin (a.k.a. a powerful laxative when consumed in quantities of 100mg or more) in their gummy bears?
posted by Fish Sauce at 10:51 AM on October 18, 2018 [5 favorites]


Isn't Haribo the company that put Lycasin (a.k.a. a powerful laxative when consumed in quantities of 100mg or more) in their gummy bears?

Only the sugar-free ones.
posted by Ragged Richard at 10:53 AM on October 18, 2018 [7 favorites]


Only #1 on this list is correct.
posted by Foosnark at 10:56 AM on October 18, 2018 [7 favorites]


I retain a soft spot for weirdo old-fart candy like Mary Janes or Zagnut, but Reese's cups are indeed the king.
posted by GCU Sweet and Full of Grace at 10:57 AM on October 18, 2018 [4 favorites]


are mary janes the intensely chewy peanut buttery ones that rip out your fillings
posted by poffin boffin at 10:59 AM on October 18, 2018 [4 favorites]


Jesus, how do you get a job like this?

The Definitive, All-Time, No Arguments Ranking of Condiments

100. Miracle Whip. No. Just no.
99. Ketchup. Only suitable for french fries and onion rings, do not let it near a sandwich or, God forbid, a hot dog lest your life be forfeit.
98. That Orangey "Sandwich Spread"
you sometimes see in bottles.
What is it supposed to be, imitation Big Mac sauce? No thanks.
...
48. Yellow Mustard. Your basic, middle of the pack condiment. Goes with most things, not too offensive.
47. Horseradish Sauce. Could have been ranked a lot higher, but only really goes with roast beef, right?
46. Sriracha Sauce. Now sadly overplayed, it had a nice niche before it became over-hyped and saturated the market. "Nobody eats that anymore, it's too popular!", as Yogi Berra might have said.
45. Dijon Mustard. A definitive improvement on your basic mustard, but watch out for off-brands and odd combinations (like #74 above, Honey Dijon Mustard).
...
2. The Fancy Dijon Mustard with Seeds, that pop in your mouth for little explosions of extra mustardy goodness. Now this is a condiment worth keeping for yourself.
1. Mayonnaise, the real kind with eggs. You know it's true.
posted by yhbc at 11:00 AM on October 18, 2018 [7 favorites]


are mary janes the intensely chewy peanut buttery ones that rip out your fillings

Yes, and they're the best.

Also this list is so completely batshit I don't know where to start.

Also also I know I'm in the minority but Reese's cups are too sweet for me.

Also also also there are very few things in the world better than getting super-baked and eating sour candies.
posted by uncleozzy at 11:01 AM on October 18, 2018 [1 favorite]


Only #1 on this list is correct.
Mixing chocolate and peanut-butter is like eating warm peas with whipped creme. I'll happily support your right to do it, but that doesn't mean it isn't totally incomprehensible.

I'll happily trade you all my peanut butter cups for some of those little strawberry wrapped hard candies, though. So we all win.
posted by eotvos at 11:03 AM on October 18, 2018 [3 favorites]


poffin boffin: "are mary janes the intensely chewy peanut buttery ones that rip out your fillings"

Yeah, I won't eat anything like that after having an emergency visit to the dentist after a swedish fish incident. "Hmm, this candy is suddenly crunchy and tastes like metal."
posted by octothorpe at 11:03 AM on October 18, 2018 [8 favorites]


Dark Chocolate Reese's Cups fix the sweetness problem and are objectively the best candy ever created
posted by scose at 11:04 AM on October 18, 2018 [1 favorite]


Also also I know I'm in the minority but Reese's cups are too sweet for me.

justin's nut butters makes a dark chocolate pb cup that is also vegan, which means i can and will eat 10,000 without dying the butt death
posted by poffin boffin at 11:06 AM on October 18, 2018 [5 favorites]


Dark Chocolate Reese's Cups fix the sweetness problem and are objectively the best candy ever created

OK now we're off the range of Halloween Candy here. Like, we can't rate Bridge Mix #1 because no one is giving out boxes of Bridge Mix for Halloween.

But if they are, pm me their address, thanks.
posted by GuyZero at 11:07 AM on October 18, 2018 [2 favorites]


how much legal pot would it take to make you like molasseskisses


how much you got
posted by nubs at 11:08 AM on October 18, 2018 [10 favorites]


You could actually split the top three with regular Reese's cups, then ones that are pregnant with a bunch of Reese's pieces inside and the Reese's cups shaped like pumpkins and have the perfect ratio of peanut butter to chocolate.

Just remake this list with Reese's candies.
posted by asteria at 11:08 AM on October 18, 2018 [6 favorites]


Sixlets are disgusting, how are they in the top 40 at all?
posted by ghharr at 11:14 AM on October 18, 2018 [7 favorites]


how much legal pot would it take to make you like molasseskisses


how much you got


I feel like managing the chewing process while baked is going to be the main hurdle here.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 11:15 AM on October 18, 2018 [1 favorite]


Area Man Perishes In Molasses Fracas
posted by poffin boffin at 11:17 AM on October 18, 2018 [5 favorites]


managing the chewing process while baked is going to be the main hurdle best part here.
posted by uncleozzy at 11:17 AM on October 18, 2018 [3 favorites]


I feel like managing the chewing process while baked is going to be the main hurdle here.

Why do we call them teeth when what they do is chew? Have you ever really looked at your mouth?
posted by nubs at 11:18 AM on October 18, 2018 [7 favorites]


Mounds ranked below Dots and Laffy Taffy? Has this person even eaten candy?

Also SIXLETS IN THE TOP TEN? I think this person is in a conspiracy to ruin my blood pressure.
posted by corb at 11:26 AM on October 18, 2018 [7 favorites]


I will trade you my Now&Laters for your Sixlets, anyway.

Hey, are Goldenberg's Peanut Chews (a six-nub-lego sized blob of peanut bits in molasses, covered in chocolate) regional, or discontinued maybe? I never see those anymore.
posted by bartleby at 11:28 AM on October 18, 2018


Also, where the HECK are the NECCO WAFERS they are also worth fighting about.

Necco has been bought by inBev or somebody, who are trying to sell the equipment to make the Wafers. Unlike the gear to make Sky Bars, which they are just disappearing. Now, THAT is a crime against humanity. Sky Bars were the finest candy bar in history. You know what Necco Wafers are like, but not as good as? Store-brand antacid tablets. Not kidding.

I think the author of this perennial list left Necco Wafers off it so he could slur Smarties as being chalky, which they are not, without having an actual chalk product (N. Wafers) making him appear deranged.
posted by Kirth Gerson at 11:31 AM on October 18, 2018 [2 favorites]


My mom would always take those white-and-brown-striped peanut butter things, and my Whoppers, because I thought malted chocolate was vile. Still do!

I think I'm finally at the point where I look at Halloween candy and then wander over to the real candy aisle and buy a fancy dark chocolate bar. I think I have done my quota of Hershey "chocolate" for this lifetime and don't feel obligated to eat any more.

One omission I did notice: Pixie Sticks. Those were my Most Coveted Halloween candy--do they even make those anymore?
posted by emjaybee at 11:34 AM on October 18, 2018 [4 favorites]


One omission I did notice: Pixie Sticks. Those were my Most Coveted Halloween candy--do they even make those anymore?

Yes, and you can make them yourself!
posted by rhizome at 11:37 AM on October 18, 2018 [3 favorites]


NECCO Wafers are awesome. I can't get them in Canada, so I always have to have visiting relatives from the US bring them up for me.

Of course, I'm the kind of weirdo who loves Circus Peanuts. Usually when these lists come out I can make my favourite to least favourite list by reversing the order of the published list.
posted by fimbulvetr at 11:38 AM on October 18, 2018 [3 favorites]


Of course, I'm the kind of weirdo who loves Circus Peanuts.

GET

HELP
posted by GuyZero at 11:40 AM on October 18, 2018 [22 favorites]


an older woman on my street gave out wheat ear pennies
the only version of krackel I've seen are the fun size ones

agreed that malt candy is vile

how many of us had to deal with a parent filching our stash without asking?
posted by brujita at 11:40 AM on October 18, 2018 [3 favorites]


This list feels engineered to provoke "no, you're wrong" disagreements.

Also, your smarties are weird.

I KNOW, RIGHT? Those aren't Smarties. Those aren't good, either.

Other US / UK candy translation notes:

US Three Musketeers == UK Milky Way
US Milky Way === UK Mars Bar (so confusing)
US Mounds == UK Bounty
posted by We had a deal, Kyle at 11:41 AM on October 18, 2018 [1 favorite]


oh my god circus peanuts I HAVE A TALE

actually just a tiny anecdote: many years ago an eastern european friend of mine thought that the flavor of regular normal peanut butter was that of circus peanuts, and thus lived in extreme fear of both peanut butter and anyone who chose to consume it, much less enjoy it.
posted by poffin boffin at 11:42 AM on October 18, 2018 [12 favorites]


This list is bad and wrong, and the author is bad and wrong and should feel bad and wrong, and The Cut is bad and wrong, and everyone should email them flaming dog epoop on 10/31.

*pant pant*

Whew.
posted by GenjiandProust at 11:44 AM on October 18, 2018 [3 favorites]


Appallingly low ranking of Almond Joy. This list is highly suspect.
posted by slogger at 11:45 AM on October 18, 2018 [4 favorites]


Remember when I posted this monstrosity last year?

That was a good time.
posted by Fizz at 11:49 AM on October 18, 2018 [2 favorites]


in my misspent youth I often raided the medicine cabinet for antacid tablets because the flavor is just so goddamn perfect, so guess how I feel about Necco wafers
posted by suckerpunch at 11:51 AM on October 18, 2018 [1 favorite]


also I plan to hand out some Choward's Violet this Halloween because, out of a 24-pack, you'll get 23 kids that can't stand that shit and one whose mind is shattered with violet glory
posted by suckerpunch at 11:54 AM on October 18, 2018 [8 favorites]


I dunno - while the list works (clearly . . .) as a fine starting point for our Annual Metafilter Halloween Candy Argument, the article feels pretty . . . passionless? Like, usually these lists originate with office arguments or quick-and-dirty surveys or because someone wants to make a strong case for or against a specific candy.

This one is just so odd in its choices and rankings and reasons that it's more like, "The Best Halloween Candy, Ranked (in the order in which I thought of them hang on Imma come up with some more reasons.)"
posted by soundguy99 at 11:55 AM on October 18, 2018 [7 favorites]


It's missing the real trash: the Bit-o-Honeys

That's okay, you can just give them all to me! (cackles softly)
posted by briank at 11:56 AM on October 18, 2018 [4 favorites]


The [NSFW] Candy Bar Poem by John Valby

One Payday, Mr. Goodbar wanted a Bit-O-Honey
So he took his Miss Hershey behind the Powerhouse
On the corner of 5th Avenue and Clark
Where he there began to feel her Mounds
And that was an Almond Joy
Which definitely made his Tootsie Roll.

He let out a Snicker
As he slipped his Butterfinger up her Kit Kat
Which of course caused a Milky Way.

She screamed "Oh Henry"
As she squeezed his Peter Paul and Zagnuts and said
"You're better than the Three Musketeers".
posted by chavenet at 12:03 PM on October 18, 2018 [7 favorites]


I rank all candies solidly at the middle of the list. This is because my preference is for super sweet, super sugary candies, but even small amounts of sugar make me sick. Thus, candies I love the taste of are rated lower for practical and nausea-by-association reasons. However, I eat a lot of lower sugar candies because they don't make me (as) sick and thus I can at least pretend to be a normal person. Hence the candies I'm not super fond of are rated higher for the fact that I can eat them without getting sick.

Ah, you say! But there are other dimensions of candy-goodness! Such as sourness--unrelated to sugar! Well, these I also have to rate solidly in the middle of the list, because I have geographic tongue and thus even a little bit of sour flavor makes my tongue hurt. So even though I like the flavor of sourness, I have to rate sour candies lower for the pain they cause.

This basically leaves me to rate candies by texture, and due to my sensory-seeking nature, I haven't found a candy texture I don't like (texture I'm not in the mood for, sure--but they're all good at different times). I suppose if you find me a candy with the texture of tomatoes or cucumbers then I would rank that lower, but beyond that I have to conclude that all candy is quite solidly average.

Someone appoint me to a job that requires a nonpartisan evaluation of candy goodness. I'd be perfect for it.
posted by brook horse at 12:05 PM on October 18, 2018


The Halloween candy I remember most fondly is bottle caps - especially the root beer flavored ones. After that, Tootsie pops.
posted by vacapinta at 12:08 PM on October 18, 2018 [15 favorites]


I once told a friend that Necco wafers were given to the Army during the Civil War, and she said, "What side?"
posted by queensissy at 12:10 PM on October 18, 2018 [13 favorites]


The Halloween candy I remember most fondly is bottle caps....

* unloosens one arm from hugging seanmpucket and wraps it around vacapinta *
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 12:11 PM on October 18, 2018 [1 favorite]


OK truly enjoy the food fight threads because I know they are good natured and it's generally hilarious to read the comments. I was all set to comically diss the Haribo is Bad statement, but, as is it my duty, I read all the way down before commenting. Then I got to the comment about Haribo making you, uh, loose in the caboose. Yeah I'll retract my good-natured challenge. You are entirely correct in your science and observation.

* I'll still eat those little bears on occasion and simply recognize that life is sometimes a cost-benefit analysis.
posted by pipoquinha at 12:13 PM on October 18, 2018 [2 favorites]


Easter candy is way, way better. Plus, you don't have to wander around after it.

Can we please not re-litigate Easter candy in the Halloween candy mega-thread??
posted by Atom Eyes at 12:13 PM on October 18, 2018 [13 favorites]


Holy shit I forgot about Zagnut those are fucken delicious! And Clark bars. And Heath bars. And Bit O' Honey are the best.
posted by slogger at 12:14 PM on October 18, 2018 [1 favorite]


I was all set to comically diss the Haribo is Bad statement, but, as is it my duty, I read all the way down before commenting. Then I got to the comment about Haribo making you, uh, loose in the caboose.

Only the sugar-free kind.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 12:20 PM on October 18, 2018 [1 favorite]


bottle caps

I love Bottle Caps too—my second favorite pop-flavored candy of all time*. But now that I think about it, I haven't seen the Halloween-appropriate fun-size Caps in a long time. They only ever seem to come packaged in the six ounce movie theater box, which even for me is a shit ton of candy. Maybe Wonka could get back on the list if they started packaging for Halloween again.

*Late lamented number one: Brach's Soda Poppers, the only candy made with genuine soda syrup licensed from the Dr. Pepper Snapple group. Turns out genuine soda syrup is intensely acidic in hard candy form. Hazardous to the enamel, deadly to the fillings, ruinous for the taste buds. God I loved Soda Poppers, even as they hurt me.
posted by Iridic at 12:25 PM on October 18, 2018 [3 favorites]


the article feels pretty . . . passionless?

I know, right? Reese’s is a pretty softball #1 pick. I mean, no one would argue with that, but everyone’s got at least one favorite candy that, for them, knocks it out of the park over peanut butter cups. No one doesn’t love Reese’s (the “people” in this thread that claim so are Russian bots) but it’s kind of a boring, predictable choice.

for me, it’s Payday, but I think it has to do with the time my room mate and decided to grow weed and get a Costco membership all in the same summer.
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 12:32 PM on October 18, 2018 [1 favorite]


Mellowcreme Pumpkins are the #1 Halloween candy, of course. With that out of the way:
• Hershey's chocolate bars are a crime against humanity and should rank dead last.
• Tootsie Rolls are indeed only "candy" by the standards of a Victorian-era orphan, and it is perhaps time for them to retire.
• The first time my then-2-year-old-son tried a Twizzler, he cried. I'm just saying.
posted by trunk muffins at 12:39 PM on October 18, 2018 [1 favorite]


Yeah, Crispy Crunch or Wunderbar should rank above Reese's.
posted by fimbulvetr at 12:40 PM on October 18, 2018


I've said it before and I will say again: Kerr's Molasses Kisses are great. Haters can hate all they like but they can't take my enjoyment of them away from me.

Yeah, I won't eat anything like that after having an emergency visit to the dentist after a swedish fish incident.

That was me after having some of my dear sweet Mackintosh's Toffee. Sad day that was...

agreed that malt candy is vile

I love malt (and it has long history) but we once overheard the following actual conversation in a Costco:

Senior Citizen #1: "What candy should we get for Halloween?"
Senior Citizen #2: "Oh I don't know. What do kids like these days?"
Senior Citizen #1 reaches over and grabs a bag of Whoppers: "Children love malt. Let's get these."

The big candy revelation for me this year, after buying a 5lb bag of the stuff when I was in LA a couple weeks ago, was Mexican candy. Now that stuff is awesome! If I could buy it in Canada I would be eating... well... a lot of candy.
posted by Ashwagandha at 12:40 PM on October 18, 2018 [5 favorites]


listen, i know this comes up all the time whenever we talk about anything with food, but why do americans hate raisins so much?

i love them. wholeheartedly. i will gorge myself on boxes after boxes of sun maid raisins if i'm not stopped. costco sells this giant bag of multiple types of raisins because in case you didn't know there's a bajillion species of grape, leading to all the different types of wine, and each of them become a different raisin. god i want some so bad right now.

anec-datally i'm an immigrant and learned to love raisins when i was growing up in vietnam.
posted by numaner at 12:42 PM on October 18, 2018 [4 favorites]


Ctrl-F Coff...

Coffee Crisp. You are all incorrect.
posted by wellred at 12:42 PM on October 18, 2018 [7 favorites]


I like Tootsie Rolls. But I do strongly suspect they filled a warehouse up with the stuff back in 1932 and have selling the same batch ever since.
posted by fimbulvetr at 12:43 PM on October 18, 2018 [4 favorites]


ok i can't really trust anyone that rates candy corn that high and snickers not high enough. also, haribo is a whole brand, you gotta rate gummy bears separately! and where are the worms! every halloween party has them!
posted by numaner at 12:46 PM on October 18, 2018 [1 favorite]


Reese's mini peanut butter cups are the only candy for which I have an insatiable appetite. As in, if there is a bag of them in the kitchen - no matter how large - I will eat them all. I am otherwise a fairly healthy eater. There is something about the perfect combo of salty and sweet, combined with the perfect chocolate-to-peanut-butter-ratio, that messes my brain up.

US Smarties are also amazingly awesome, regardless of the Canadian consensus.
posted by grumpybear69 at 12:47 PM on October 18, 2018 [2 favorites]


The big candy revelation for me this year, after picking a 5lb bag of the stuff when I was in LA a couple weeks ago, was Mexican candy. Now that stuff is awesome!

Ooh, I loves me some chamoy!
posted by Atom Eyes at 12:49 PM on October 18, 2018 [2 favorites]


I came in to complain about how Bit-o-Honey is the worst of all Halloween candies and I saw that not only had this been handled for me but in fact it was posted by my husband so thank you for taking on this important family responsibility/doing your share of the emotional labor, great work team.
posted by Mrs. Pterodactyl at 12:51 PM on October 18, 2018 [18 favorites]


Also Butterfingers should be higher.
posted by Mrs. Pterodactyl at 12:52 PM on October 18, 2018 [4 favorites]


why do americans hate raisins so much

1. they look like little rat poops
2. they are weirdly chewy
3. when you think you are going to taste chocolate chips but instead get raisins in your cookie, you are sad and angry
posted by emjaybee at 12:54 PM on October 18, 2018 [4 favorites]


(seriousl, many cheapass milk chocolates share the signature flavour of vomit, forget the name of the chemical)

Butyric acid.
posted by clavicle at 12:55 PM on October 18, 2018 [1 favorite]


Coffee Crisp. You are all incorrect.

Objectively true. Full stop.

I have dabbled in the recent iterations of Coffee Crisp, but I find nothing beats the original.*


*The last time there was a surplus Halloween candy bowl in the workplace, I strategically and pre-emptively raided the mini Coffee Crisps because...well, let them have their O Henrys or whatever.**


**Although in a pinch I will raid the mini Crispy Crunches.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 12:55 PM on October 18, 2018 [3 favorites]


okay so it's a year later and I am literally in Canada right this very second and I STILL CANNOT FIND ANY KERR'S MOLASSES KISSES. WHAT AM I DOING WRONG. I'm tripping over literal sacks of Coffee Crisps as I prowl through the aisles of the Real Canadian Superstore, but I care not for such fripperies!

Holy shit I forgot about Zagnut those are fucken delicious! And Clark bars. And Heath bars. And Bit O' Honey are the best.

Every part of this statement is correct, although Skor > Heath.
posted by halation at 12:56 PM on October 18, 2018 [2 favorites]


why do americans hate raisins so much?

Do we? I grew up munching on small boxes of Sunmaid raisins. They're a fine snack.
posted by grumpybear69 at 12:57 PM on October 18, 2018


halation I would try a Bulk Barn, if there's one near you.
posted by wellred at 1:00 PM on October 18, 2018 [4 favorites]


911, what's your emergency?

okay so it's a year later and I am literally in Canada right this very second and I STILL CANNOT FIND ANY KERR'S MOLASSES KISSES.

Alright. Are you near a Bulk Barn? They stock them every year on a seasonal basis, and they go on sale for a mad discount after Halloween.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 1:03 PM on October 18, 2018 [4 favorites]


when you think you are going to taste chocolate chips but instead get raisins in your cookie, you are sad and angry

this has literally never happened to me. i dunno anyone who mixes the two up when they're making cookies and then also lie to people as they give them out, but maybe i've been fortunate. also, chocolate chips look even more like little rat poops. and usually it's milk chocolate chips which is just meh.

dark chocolate covered raisins are amazing.
posted by numaner at 1:03 PM on October 18, 2018 [3 favorites]


I used to take all of the leftover chocolate candy my kids didn't like after the Halloween sort. Ate a lot of Whoppers (that's what she said) and Peanut M&Ms. How my daughter doesn't like Peanut M&Ms is beyond me. #demonchild
posted by haunted by Leonard Cohen at 1:04 PM on October 18, 2018


Today I am a real Candy-nadian.
posted by wellred at 1:04 PM on October 18, 2018 [2 favorites]


Jesus, how do you get a job like this?

The Definitive, All-Time, No Arguments Ranking of Condiments


yeah this person seems like they only wants to write lists to enrage people
posted by numaner at 1:06 PM on October 18, 2018


The main thing about Zagnut is that I cannot singing "Ragmop" but with "Zagnut" in its place.

zagnut

do do de do do

zagnut
posted by GuyZero at 1:06 PM on October 18, 2018


are Goldenberg's Peanut Chews (a six-nub-lego sized blob of peanut bits in molasses, covered in chocolate) regional, or discontinued maybe? I never see those anymore.

The brand was bought out by Just Born (the people who make Easter Peeps), but they're still around. I believe they're much easier to find on the East Coast of the US than in other places. They do ship, though! Beware: the packaging has changed and is now colour-coded: red is for the classic dark chocolate coating, blue is for the not-nearly-as-good "milk" coating.
posted by halation at 1:08 PM on October 18, 2018 [1 favorite]


From the Kerr website FAQ:
Where can I buy? Do you sell direct?

Kerr's is a national brand and can be purchased at retailers across the country, including but not limited to Walmart, Shoppers Drug Mart, London Drugs, Save on Foods, Dollarama, Staples, and Lawton's.
And also Bulk Barn.
posted by Ashwagandha at 1:15 PM on October 18, 2018 [1 favorite]


One thing which bugs me about this list (besides the many things which bug me about this list) is how fucking lazy it is with its justifications. I may not agree with you about where Sixlets and Payday appear, but at least you put some sort of reasoning behind your placement. Mounds, Baby Ruth, Now&Later, and Junior Mints are basically completely phoned in. It doesn't even matter if I agree with you, the only reason I'm reading your shit-ass article is for the wry commentary. If a candy is so utterly uninteresting that you can't come up with some hilarious raptures or invective, kick it out of your damn rankings and make room for something inscrutable and weird like Necco Wafers or Bit-O-Honey.
posted by jackbishop at 1:15 PM on October 18, 2018 [3 favorites]


What about gummy peach rings??? MMMmmmmm!!!
posted by KleenexMakesaVeryGoodHat at 1:18 PM on October 18, 2018 [3 favorites]


Raisins are an abomination and unholy and gross. Who chooses raisins first in GORP? NO ONE. Dried cranberries and cherries is preferred portable dried fruit.

Also Trader Joes' makes an amazing Dark Chocolate Peanut Butter cup. If I'm good, MAYBE I can stretch the servings per container from to 4, instead of eating the box in 2 sittings (it's supposed to be 12).

The Peanut and peanut-filled M&Ms and Reeces Pieces are my snagged candy of choice, mostly because I don't usually get them outside of Halloween. Twix are a close second and Snickers is the consolation prize.

At our house we have 3 bowls- Peanut & Peanut Adjacent candies, Nut Free aka candy corn and jelly beans, and "Allergy Free" (stickers & spider rings). I think I need to refill the spider rings.
posted by Hermeowne Grangepurr at 1:18 PM on October 18, 2018 [2 favorites]


but why do americans hate raisins so much?

not sure about everyone else but for me, a LOT of recipes from childhood in the 70s/80s included raisins where stuff like chocolate chips or other tasty dessertlike tidbits would normally go and it made me constantly wary for the sting of raisin betrayal. it's not the raisins themselves that are bad, it is the failure to disclose raisiny presence. raisin bran, for example, is IMO delightful and the raisins are welcome, in fact mandatory.

nothing can prepare you for the disgusting horrors of eating a chocolate cookie, or god forbid a fucking brownie, with what appears to be chocolate chips within but which turns out to be smeary gooey raisins instead. god.
posted by poffin boffin at 1:23 PM on October 18, 2018 [11 favorites]


I couldn't remember what Kerr's Molasses Kisses were, so I googled them, and upon seeing the image, the memory of them immediately gave me a weird flavor-induced headache just above where my nose meets my forehead.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 1:24 PM on October 18, 2018 [2 favorites]


The nearest Bulk Barn is, like, an hour away, but I am willing to sacrifice! (Although I'm definitely gonna try London Drugs or SaveOn first...)
posted by halation at 1:24 PM on October 18, 2018 [1 favorite]


...raisins
in a brownie
what. why. why woULD YOU DO THAT
posted by halation at 1:25 PM on October 18, 2018 [9 favorites]


Mellowcreme Pumpkins are the #1 Halloween candy, of course.

The Pumpkins are great! Candy corn is great! The chocolate corn in the "Autumn Mix" is terrible and ruins it, despite a mix of candy corn and pumpkins being theoretically amazing. It's a shame.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 1:26 PM on October 18, 2018 [1 favorite]


why do americans hate raisins so much

Big Raisin.

No seriously, see The California Raisins. Which was just the 80's version of America's obsessive yet vaguely understood interest in "eating healthy." Raisins are sweet but not just sugar + chemicals, so they're "healthy." End result is that there are least 2 generations (Gen X & Millennials) of Americans who most likely were wildly overindulged with raisins between the ages of 2 and 8, and had a lot of "Surprise!!" raisins in various baked goods (including, yes, chocolate chip cookies) or other dishes that are perfectly fine without raisins. (I'm pretty sure my mom made some version of chicken curry with raisins.)

We don't necessarily dislike raisins, we just don't trust 'em.
posted by soundguy99 at 1:27 PM on October 18, 2018 [10 favorites]


Also, they sing and dance. I do not eat things that sing and dance, generally.
posted by wellred at 1:29 PM on October 18, 2018 [1 favorite]


They wanted us to eat Ray Charles, dammit!
posted by haunted by Leonard Cohen at 1:34 PM on October 18, 2018


Yes! Skor > Heath! Also Sugar Daddies and Sugar Babies! Charleston Chew! Oh, the Charleston Chews!
posted by slogger at 1:35 PM on October 18, 2018 [1 favorite]


Chocolate chips in oatmeal cookies is just plain wrong. And I vote.
posted by slogger at 1:36 PM on October 18, 2018 [2 favorites]


Today I learned about a lot of Canadian candy that never makes it to the US, and that I guess I should try a Skor bar, since I love Heath bars to death. I also seem to be one of the few people around who will happily eat anything licorice-flavored, so more of that for me!

The flavored Tootsie Rolls aren't amazing, but they're infinitely better than the chocolate ones.

I do not hate raisins but appreciate that seemingly everyone else does, so I don't make oatmeal raisin cookies any more. (I prefer dried cherries as a snack, but raisins are a hell of a lot cheaper.)

I don't know about this sour patch candy corn, but certainly regular candy corn is disgusting and deserves to also be very low on the list. It's like fondant and plastic had a waxy love child and I do not understand people who enjoy it. (Also, why is this article seemingly illustrated by a child in MS Paint? Get an artist or just use a photo, jesus.)
posted by tautological at 1:38 PM on October 18, 2018 [2 favorites]


Everyone hates a list!

I like Junior Mints, Almond Joy and Peppermint Patties. We're not the most popular house on the block.

The very worst Halloween candy I have tried was a little packet of organic candy corn. I'm sort of neutral on candy corn, but this stuff looked like cat turds and tasted like the wax that drips off of birthday candles.
posted by vunder at 1:39 PM on October 18, 2018 [3 favorites]


tautological, you can find Skor in the US -- it's actually an American product. It's like a Heath, but the toffee is a little thinner and a little more buttery and has a more satisfying cronch. It should be said, though, that Daim puts both to shame. (You can sometimes find giant Daim bars at IKEA, and they are splendid.)

I like Junior Mints, Almond Joy and Peppermint Patties. We're not the most popular house on the block.

If a house with this selection had been on my route as a kid, I'd probably have doubled back five or six times in a series of increasingly-less-plausible alternate disguises just to get another crack at that selection. And then I'd come back again, claiming to have a twin. That is my Halloween Dream Trifecta of Normal-Adjacent Candy (the Absolute Dream Trifecta, of course, being Mary Janes, Bit O'Honey, and off-brand black-and-orange-wrapped taffies).
posted by halation at 1:54 PM on October 18, 2018 [5 favorites]


what. why. why woULD YOU DO THAT

the list of things that can never truly be explained about the 80s is incredibly long and frustrating
posted by poffin boffin at 1:56 PM on October 18, 2018 [8 favorites]


I had no idea there were Scream Eggs (or whatever silly spelling they use). I remember really liking the regular ones as a kid, and finding it a treat because they were only available for one month a year.

Obviously Coffee Crisp is a real miss, but I do agree that PB cups deserve top billing.
posted by jeather at 1:58 PM on October 18, 2018


tautological, costco also sells a giant bag of dried cranberries that is not too expensive compared to all the other giant things of snacks they sell.

I guess I'm just lucky that I've never been tricked with raisins because Asian pastries that have raisins and other dried fruits are more common than chocolate chip ones (I actually can't think of one from my childhood that has chocolate chips). And then I discovered oatmeal raisin cookies in America and I usually eat all of them at parties when no one else touch them.
posted by numaner at 1:59 PM on October 18, 2018


The very worst Halloween candy I have tried was a little packet of organic candy corn.

ah yes grown in organically tended candy corn fields free of pesticides

white people have gone too far
posted by poffin boffin at 2:01 PM on October 18, 2018 [14 favorites]


Number one is correct but the journey there was very confusing.
posted by obfuscation at 2:02 PM on October 18, 2018


IMO the problem with raisins is bad raisins. There are good, big, plump, sweet raisins which are not bad.

The classic tiny Minute Maid box always contained excessively dry raisins which were this hard vaguely sweet paste with other, stronger flavour overnotes that were just not on for a kid's palate. Euch.
posted by GuyZero at 2:03 PM on October 18, 2018 [1 favorite]


My only objection to this thread is that someone used the single worst word in the English language, "mouthfeel."

Also that you're all wrong about the candies you hate. But I also like the gross ones for whatever reason. What is wrong with me that I like Bit O' Honey so much?
posted by shapes that haunt the dusk at 2:06 PM on October 18, 2018


Nothing is wrong with you, shapes that haunt the dusk. Because Bit O' Honey is delicious.
posted by slogger at 2:11 PM on October 18, 2018 [2 favorites]


wait, Bit O' Honey is just taffy? What's the big deal then? It's more almonds and less laffy?
posted by GuyZero at 2:14 PM on October 18, 2018


This list is almost entirely correct.

But, #1 is wrong. Should be Hersheys Special Dark miniatures, which are the first to disappear from any variety pack of mini candy bars. Special Darks are better than Reece's Peanut Butter Cups.

Also, as others have noted, Bottle Caps are missing from the list. They should replace Swedish Fish, which I have never seen and thought the author made up and we would just see more made-up candies with more and more unlikely names as we scrolled down the list. The best Bottle Cap flavor is Cola.

Also, Smarties should be much higher. These chalky little sugar pellets are underrated. Also also, Whoppers are pretty good, and sometimes you get the tiny, malformed Whopper in there, which is fun.

Everything she wrote about Raisinets is exactly right and in some ways justifies the existence of the Internet.

Reeces Peanut Butter Cup minis are better than the full size ones. Maybe a different chocolate to peanut butter ratio? But they're pretty great. Not as great as Hersheys Special Dark minis.

It's kind of weird, I guess, but the Hersheys Special Dark regular-size candy bar is something I wouldn't bother with. If I'm going to buy a full-size candy bar I'll shell out an extra buck and get like a Godiva or something. Hersheys dark chocolate isn't the greatest dark chocolate. It's just better, in mini form, than all of the other Halloween candies. If people were passing out mini-Godiva bars I would say they are #1 and bump Special Darks down to where Kelly Conaboy put Butterfingers. Which is #20. Though I'd put Butterfingers way lower.

Junior Mints are terrible, as are Peppermint Patties. That weird minty sludge tastes like gritty, jellied mouthwash.

Thank you for your time.
posted by Cookiebastard at 2:14 PM on October 18, 2018


Raisins are pretty good in, like, scones. But by American standards scones are health food. The American Endeavor is pursuit of the calorie density event horizon and we have long since left dried fruit behind. We scoff at your fruitcakes and Turkish Delight.

If it hadn't been for the Reagan and Bush I administrations diverting funds from the Superconducting Super Collider project for all their Cold War crap we'd probably have solved higher-dimensional calorie packing by now and be in contact with the Candy Machine Elves.
posted by XMLicious at 2:15 PM on October 18, 2018 [7 favorites]


I used to eat 3 Musketeers but now I regret all the times I did. It was a mistake and I was a fool.

I will take all of the kit kats and M&Ms.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 2:17 PM on October 18, 2018 [2 favorites]


I like Necco wafers, raisins, and licorice.

And am disappointed that neither "zero" or "chunky" made this lazy list.

Also I would rather lick Donald Trump's hair than eat a 3 Musketeers
posted by SystematicAbuse at 2:18 PM on October 18, 2018


Oh, I thought people hated Bit O' Honey? Maybe I'm just defensive because of my years of liking old people candy, like those weird strawberries, or butterscotch discs. I've never even seen those strawberries in a store, and I'm a little grossed out by the idea of buying a whole bag...
posted by shapes that haunt the dusk at 2:20 PM on October 18, 2018


And am disappointed that neither "zero" or "chunky" made this lazy list.

Again, do people give these out for Halloween?
posted by GuyZero at 2:20 PM on October 18, 2018


I can recall occasionally getting mini Chunky bars in my childhood Halloween candy stash.

Zero bars have always been a rare candy around these parts.

Also, I never eat candy bars because they will just rip out my remaining teeth.

Anything licorice though, yes.
posted by SystematicAbuse at 2:25 PM on October 18, 2018



Back when I was a trick or treater, the Chunky bar would have been the star of my pillowcase.

One of the few candy bars you could recognize by touch.
posted by jeremias at 2:30 PM on October 18, 2018 [1 favorite]


Last month I was in a sandwich shop in New Jersey, along the Delaware River and they still had a carton of NECCO wafers on the candy rack. I don't think they knew they had a potential gold mine on their hands. Anyone desperate interested can memail me for the exact location.
posted by TWinbrook8 at 2:35 PM on October 18, 2018


I think tootsie rolls are placed unfairly low here. I mean, yeah, the standard "chocolate" ones are the the disappointing trick-or-treat filler that they've always been...but I think this person is seriously missing out on the lesser known fruit (and vanilla) variety.

Also, nobody wants a Mounds? Those clearly belong on the number 1 spot.
posted by Delia at 2:42 PM on October 18, 2018 [2 favorites]


Almond Joy are atrociously low on that list.

Also, Pearson's Nut Roll or gtfo
posted by caution live frogs at 2:56 PM on October 18, 2018


Oh sure, you all SAY you don't like the mini candy bars, but how come they're always the first things everybody fishes out of the bowl? Answer that if you can!

Then it's the Hershey Bars, the plain M&Ms, and the licorice.

All the other stuff, Bit o'Honeys, Paydays, Kit Kats, and Tootsie Rolls slowly gets whittled down until there's nothing left but disgusting Neccos, Dots, circus peanuts, and malted milk balls.

After a week, you throw away the disgusting petrified candy corn left in the bottom.

THAT'S the way it's done.
posted by BlueHorse at 3:13 PM on October 18, 2018 [1 favorite]


the Reese's cups shaped like pumpkins and have the perfect ratio of peanut butter to chocolate.

This! The holiday shaped Reese’s are way better than the normal cups, because they have more peanut butter. I lament the fallow period post-Easter, pre-Halloween where there are no holiday versions. Can’t they do stars or flags for 4th of July?
posted by saturngirl at 3:36 PM on October 18, 2018 [3 favorites]


Who the fuck puts Twizzlers AND Mounds below Swedish fish in the candy ranking? Like 10 spots below! This author has no functioning taste buds.

I actually like Tootsie rolls. Laffy Taffy is like eating grape-flavored drywall.
posted by Autumnheart at 3:40 PM on October 18, 2018 [1 favorite]


Oh- I figured out what Kerr's Molasses Kisses taste like.

They taste like being 10 years old, walking home from school in mid-November, sometime in the '80s, and it's been dark since 4:30, and you know you won't get your math homework done because you don't understand it, and the only things on TV that night are Seeing Things and The Fifth Estate, and dinner is fish fingers and freezer-burned McCain fries, and your socks are wet.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 3:51 PM on October 18, 2018 [11 favorites]


Also, Smarties should be much higher. These chalky little sugar pellets are underrated.

What the hell is wrong with people? I just don’t understand anything since Trump was elected.

Also, this thread is missing three hyphenated words:

Chick-
O-
Stick.
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 3:51 PM on October 18, 2018 [3 favorites]


I really like banana or green apple Laffy Taffy. The best part is that it’s sort of tongue-like when you hang it out of your mouth.

If your tongue is green or yellow.
posted by uncleozzy at 3:52 PM on October 18, 2018


Weird to see candy corn apologia (which is cool, I like candy corn) right next to coconut hate. Mounds and Almond Joy are great, and only the coconut-haters suggest otherwise.

For some reason, Kit Kat chocolate always tastes slightly less terrible than other mass market chocolate. I don't know if there's actually a quality difference or if the wafers are just distracting enough that I think it tastes better.

I agree that the list-writer lacks passion for the subject. It makes me think of box-ticking like the Ya Burnt segment of Seth Meyers.
posted by grandiloquiet at 3:55 PM on October 18, 2018


Regarding circus peanuts:

I was looking into just what the hell they actually were (outside of "an abomination") and where they came from, and I can't find an authoritative history on them.

There are several unauthenticated claims (wikipedia, other random sites that have copied from wikipedia) that they came from an engineer who was inspired from the foam peanut-shaped insulation he created, and I WANT TO BELIEVE because it just makes way too much sense to me. Only an engineer could design a candy that is technically difficult to produce, yet can be produced very cheaply, without any actual regard for how good it actually is.

Along with a the not-so-detailed history, you can enjoy a horrific recipe based on them, creatively titled "circus peanut recipe" on the spangler site.

I see surprisingly little mention of the "white-and-brown-striped peanut butter things" in this discussion, I figure that they have to be very polarizing... but I happen to love them. I'm on a quest to find them locally, and have only come up empty so far.
posted by MysticMCJ at 4:02 PM on October 18, 2018 [1 favorite]


Looking at that recipe closer, I see this:

> Add the pieces of Spangler Circus Peanuts, stirring until dissolved

I'm so morbidly curious about how this actually turns out...
posted by MysticMCJ at 4:04 PM on October 18, 2018 [1 favorite]


It's missing the real trash: the Bit-o-Honeys,

(sidenote: as a child me and my friends tried to figure out how to pluralize this candy, whether bits o honey or bit o honeys. we settled on bit ofs honey.)

can i shout out to Zero bars??
posted by wibari at 4:16 PM on October 18, 2018


"circus peanut recipe"

I love how this is the only entry in the "crafts and recipes" section that doesn't get a picture. i also confess a terrible temptation to make this dessert; a friend and i were just idly joking about planning a horrifying-gelatin-dessert-themed celebration to be held sometime this winter... but surely it'd be funnier with whole circus peanuts incorporated somehow...
posted by halation at 4:18 PM on October 18, 2018 [1 favorite]


I see surprisingly little mention of the "white-and-brown-striped peanut butter things"

Mary Janes? Or are those something else entirely?
posted by shapes that haunt the dusk at 4:19 PM on October 18, 2018


Something else entirely: the rare and exotic peanut butter bar which, sadly, I have seldom encountered in the wild.
posted by halation at 4:26 PM on October 18, 2018 [1 favorite]


Atkinsons. That's the one.

The 30LB case is probably a bad idea for personal use, though.
posted by MysticMCJ at 4:32 PM on October 18, 2018 [1 favorite]


Take5 is without question the best candy bar of all time, but unfortunately I can't add it to this list because I've NEVER seen anyone give them out for Halloween. Probably because they are too delicious to give to random strangers. Of the types people actually give out, Snickers always wins for me, with Kit-Kats a close second and Reese's third. (Agreed with the person above shouting out dark chocolate Reese's though, because gotDAMN those are good.)

I love almost all of the most hated of candies - candy corn, Whoppers, Necco wafers, Peeps (getting away from Halloween here); but I hate coconut so Almond Joy and Mounds were what I gave to mom and dad.
posted by misskaz at 4:57 PM on October 18, 2018


Chocolate chips in oatmeal cookies is just plain wrong.

yes because this is the promised land of raisins, where all raisins dream of ending their raisiny lives
posted by poffin boffin at 4:59 PM on October 18, 2018 [4 favorites]


I give out Take5s for Halloween, because they are the very best candy bars and Halloween is an excuse to buy hundreds of them. I think I eat one for every three I give out.
posted by Daily Alice at 5:44 PM on October 18, 2018


Re: raisins

It think GuyZero has it right. Often the raisins pawned off on us are terrible and prone to mold. When I actually had good fresh raisins it was a revelation. "THIS is why people like raisins!" I still didn't want them in my buttertarts...

Until this thread I had no idea when Americans talked about "circus peanuts" they meant those marshmallow peanut things (related to those weird banana marshmallow things and those weird strawberry marshmallow things). I actually thought they were some kind of substandard peanut you'd buy to feed to an animal at a cut price zoo. Who knew...

Another particularly strange candy I encountered in the US couple weeks ago was the bizarrely named "Boston Baked Beans" - small peanuts coated in a teeth shatteringly hard red candy shell. Why?

posted by Ashwagandha at 5:47 PM on October 18, 2018 [3 favorites]


We live in a neighborhood without children, so although we buy Halloween candy just-in-case, we know we are going to eat it, so the best Halloween candy is Kit-Kat bars.

Why are they called "sixlets" when there are eight per package? It haunts me.
posted by acrasis at 5:59 PM on October 18, 2018


May I nominate the chocolate orange as the worst Halloween candy? Yes it’s huge by Halloween candy standards. Yes the wrapper is a seasonally appropriate color. But think about what it means to receive a chocolate orange at Halloween. It means it’s probably been laying around somewhere since the previous Christmas.

So, dear neighbor, who apparently bought a pallet-load at Christmas in anticipation of distributing them 10 months later, allow me to vouch for the fact that chocolate does not have a 10 month shelf life, especially when it’s been sitting in your garage all year.
posted by theory at 6:02 PM on October 18, 2018


I used to work near a candy wholesaler. The year I gave out Pop rocks was fun. Poor kids didn't know what they were in for.
posted by peppermind at 6:12 PM on October 18, 2018 [1 favorite]


Dark Chocolate Reese's Cups fix the sweetness problem and are objectively the best candy ever created

++ for peanut butter cups
+++ for dark chocolate peanut butter cups

But once you've had Justin's you really can't go back...
posted by AbnerRavenwood at 7:21 PM on October 18, 2018


I like candy corn, and found its ranking to be fair or a little low . But there are definitely different grades of the stuff.
posted by surlyben at 7:31 PM on October 18, 2018


These days it's hip not to like candy corn.
posted by rhizome at 7:35 PM on October 18, 2018


I’m a long way from my trick or treating days, but I would hide the M&Ms, Skor, Milky Way, Rolos, and Twix bars on my person/costume so my guardian couldn’t nick them from me. Those were the only five I cared about. Had no idea there was a Milky Way Midnight! I might have to ask one of my pals with kids, ironically, to sneak me one from their kids’ stash!
posted by droplet at 7:57 PM on October 18, 2018


(I do daily app-based meditation and am trying to radiate love)
posted by medusa at 7:58 PM on October 18, 2018


I enjoyed every one of these comments.
posted by gryphonlover at 9:15 PM on October 18, 2018


As a fan of both Coconut and dark chocolate, God, I love Mounds...

So fuck this.

And, btw, Reese's taste neither like peanut butter, nor, actual chocolate.

Dots are awesome. Bit-O-Honey are gruesome.
posted by Windopaene at 9:29 PM on October 18, 2018


Is Fun Dip still a thing? I used to eat that stuff by the bowlful as a kid. I'm surprised I didn't have more cavities hah.
posted by FireFountain at 9:45 PM on October 18, 2018


Somewhere along the time reading this I remembered Sugar Babies and Sugar Daddies which I haven't had in many years. I seem to remember absolutely loving sugar babies though.
posted by evilDoug at 10:03 PM on October 18, 2018 [2 favorites]


Smarties are chocolate. WTF USA?
posted by chapps at 11:14 PM on October 18, 2018


(Wow I'm feeling more defensive than I thought! Sorry)
posted by chapps at 11:15 PM on October 18, 2018


One childhood favorite I don’t ever see on these rankings is Brach’s Royals. I’ve since moved on to more grownup tastes, but when I was a kid they were often displayed in bulk along with other Brach’s candies. Their shiny multicolored wrappers looked like a treasure chest full of exotic jewels that I found irresistible.

On the other hand, these candy rankings are basically the pumpkin pie spice of listcicles, so I take them even less seriously than other rankings.
posted by TedW at 3:13 AM on October 19, 2018 [1 favorite]


This is the sort of display I remember, although I seem to remember a circular version as well. I need to look around and see if any still exist in the wild.
posted by TedW at 3:21 AM on October 19, 2018 [1 favorite]


When I was dating my husband and we first moved in with each other, we lived in a suburban sort of area and he had high hopes that we would get trick or treaters. He went and bought little individual baggies and a variety of treats so he could hand out little treat packs to the visitors.

I thought it was adorable and cemented my conviction that he was the man I was going to marry. But in his arsenal of treats? Peanuts in their shells (which he referred to as "monkey nuts") and tangerines. I guess I should mention we were living in the UK and apparently these were typical things handed out at Halloween for him growing up in Scotland.

I was bewildered. First of all, nut allergies! Second of all, what kid wants plain peanuts? And fruit?? He had regular candy in there as well, but it was a real cultural learning moment for me.

We didn't get any trick or treaters. I think our neighborhood was just a tad too secluded but perhaps word got out about the guy handing out fruits and nuts and the kids avoided our entire cul-de-sac. It's a good thing I like tangerines! I did not eat the peanuts. But I did marry him.
posted by like_neon at 7:02 AM on October 19, 2018 [1 favorite]


Smarties are chocolate. WTF USA?

Also Milky Way in the US are what everyone else calls a Mars bar ie nougat + caramel covered in chocolate.

Milky Way in the UK is more akin to a 3 Muskateer in the US ie just nougat covered in chocolate.
posted by like_neon at 7:07 AM on October 19, 2018


sldownard: I just saw a bag of 500 Dum Dums at Sam's Clubs for $12. Seriously, MeMail me and I'll hook you up. I have a warehouse and can ship internationally on the cheap.
posted by slogger at 7:47 AM on October 19, 2018 [1 favorite]


Heh. So I wandered into the Bulk Barn near our place last night in the interest of...research, and the first end-aisle display you're confronted with right by the door had two bins. They were:

1.) Molasses kisses

and

2.) Candy corn

I went over to the candy aisle proper and got some sour keys instead. My tongue's still a bit raw this morning as a result. But I got my RDA of fumaric acid and tartrazine.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 8:41 AM on October 19, 2018 [2 favorites]


Another particularly strange candy I encountered in the US couple weeks ago was the bizarrely named "Boston Baked Beans" - small peanuts coated in a teeth shatteringly hard red candy shell. Why?

In appearance it's meant to resemble a savory bean dish. I do remember getting little boxes of this for Halloween, and never really being sure what the actual flavor of the candy coating was supposed to be.

These days it's hip not to like candy corn.

Have you seen the various flavor spins on candy corn? I saw a package in my local pharmacy that had, like, coffee beverage spins on candy corn - like, they were latte and macchiato flavored. ....I've also seen "football candy corn", but the package is disturbingly vague about the actual flavor.

Smarties are chocolate. WTF USA?

Dude, we came up with M&Ms first before you brought over Smarties, don't you go confusing us.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 9:33 AM on October 19, 2018


Excuse me.
Smarties -- 1937
M&M's -- 1941
posted by fimbulvetr at 11:13 AM on October 19, 2018 [4 favorites]


Smarties -- 1937
M&M's -- 1941



that refers to the date the candies were invented in their respective countries. It does not refer to the date when UK Smarties started exporting them to the US - which was on a date later than 1941.

Nyeah.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 11:35 AM on October 19, 2018 [1 favorite]


But it also makes clear that the inspiration for the M&M came from the Smartie.
posted by nubs at 11:44 AM on October 19, 2018 [1 favorite]


I miss when Laffy Taffy were wrapped in wax paper with the jokes printed on the inside of the wrapper, which were clearly printed on a roll, because you'd often get one-half of a joke (the setup or punchline) cut off on one end. Sometimes, you wouldn't get a full joke at all--just the punchline of the previous joke with the setup to the next one, and sometimes they'd make grammatical sense together but of course didn't work at all as jokes, which was delightful. (Why do phones ring? So they don't freeze their buns!)

Once, my sister bought a Laffy Taffy (strawberry, I remember1) and something had gone wrong with the printing, because nothing was printed on the waxed side except for the following fragment, right in the center: WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A TRUCK

We still wax2 philosophical about that one.

1Banana Laffy Taffy are the most delicious, don't @ me
2Heh.
posted by duffell at 11:46 AM on October 19, 2018 [4 favorites]


Well, PBBBBBLT to you. :)

Anyways, according to Wikipedia, Smarties have been around since 1882 but used to be called "Chocolate Beans", while US "Smarties" have only been around since 1949.

And most importantly:

"Forrest Mars, Sr., son of the Mars Company founder, Frank C. Mars, copied the idea for the candy in the 1930s during the Spanish Civil War when he saw soldiers eating British-made Smarties
posted by fimbulvetr at 11:46 AM on October 19, 2018 [4 favorites]


Or, as nubs said, M&M's are just a copy of Smarties.
posted by fimbulvetr at 11:48 AM on October 19, 2018 [2 favorites]


I do remember getting little boxes of this for Halloween, and never really being sure what the actual flavor of the candy coating was supposed to be.

BBBs are cold-panned peanuts, basically a more affordable/New World version of Jordan Almonds. Panning nuts helps preserve their freshness, so the dominant flavour is meant to be the nut inside, plus sweetness. (I can actually taste differences between colours of Jordan Almonds, but generally they don't have strong, distinct flavourings added, and neither do BBBs).

Personally, I always preferred French Burnt Peanuts, where the dominant flavour is, in fact, "burnt." Which I, being the sort of person who incinerates my breakfast toast until it resembles slate roofing slates, quite enjoy.
posted by halation at 11:58 AM on October 19, 2018 [3 favorites]


French Burnt Peanuts

So that's what those things are called. I've been looking for them for years -- my great uncle always had those at his house and I would have some every time I visited.
posted by fimbulvetr at 12:04 PM on October 19, 2018 [2 favorites]


French Burnt Peanuts... wow that's weird. We grew up calling those sugar peanuts or beer nuts (I know not the same as American Beer Nuts).

I just thought the name for Boston Baked Beans (or as we call the dish north of the border, baked beans) for candy coated peanuts funny. And yeah they just taste like peanuts and sugar which if you like that kind of thing is great. They wouldn't be so bad if the candy shell wasn't so hard.
posted by Ashwagandha at 1:41 PM on October 19, 2018 [1 favorite]


WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A TRUCK

I think I just had a Deep Realization.
posted by GenjiandProust at 2:16 PM on October 19, 2018 [2 favorites]


Reese's mini peanut butter cups are the only candy for which I have an insatiable appetite. As in, if there is a bag of them in the kitchen - no matter how large - I will eat them all. I am otherwise a fairly healthy eater.

grumpybear69, have you been following me around? I was just in line at Walgreens earlier this week, and hoped there wasn't a bag of mini Reese's in grabbing distance, because I knew that I wasn't strong enough to resist them.

The combo & ratio of chocolate:peanut butter of mini Reese's are my version of PERFECT, better than the "regular" sized cups. And the shiny gold foil and the paper cup complete the sensory experience. (I know it sounds like sarcasm but this is true love.)
posted by honey badger at 6:26 AM on October 20, 2018 [3 favorites]


grumpybear69 and honey badger, I've been meaning to conduct a study of the PB:Choc ratio of each variety of Reese's cups for years now. We should talk.
posted by duffell at 10:39 AM on October 20, 2018 [1 favorite]


Wait, are we doing a study? I volunteer to stuff myself with candy for Science!
posted by soundguy99 at 11:32 AM on October 20, 2018


I have a food scale, I could easily separate the peanut butter from the chocolate to get proportions for each size and shape. Then, if anybody wants it, I could mail the chocolate somewhere.
posted by rhizome at 12:12 PM on October 20, 2018


Since the early 60’s, Raisinets have been my favorite candy. Since they are not rated highly, this article is whack. In fact, I am now against this Internet thing—it attacks the finest memory of my childhood. Next it will be pooping in my slippers.

Seriously though, I can’t believe I actually read a fifty-item listicle. Well played, Internet.
posted by Gilgamesh's Chauffeur at 6:02 PM on October 20, 2018


I always mix up Mike & Ikes and Good & Plentys which is actually a pretty terrible slur upon whichever one is not disgusting licorice.

I always refer to that as “anus flavor,” which I am happy to say has spread to at least my immediate work-and-social circle (really pretty much the same thing, sadly for me). Odd how much of the world is wrong about sportsball and anus flavor...

Am I the only one that thinks one of those candies used to have some horribly racist name? I don’t even know what I’m imagining it was.
posted by Gilgamesh's Chauffeur at 6:13 PM on October 20, 2018


I've been meaning to conduct a study of the PB:Choc ratio of each variety of Reese's cups for years now.

How Much is Inside Reese's Peanut Butter Cups?
posted by alikins at 11:03 PM on October 20, 2018


You can make your own Reese's peanut butter. I've done it. It was awesome. Most recipes leave the peanut butter too creamy, but this one looks like it has the right dryness. Like Taco Bell and Mexican Food, Reese's peanut butter is just barely peanut butter.

Since the early 60’s, Raisinets have been my favorite candy. Since they are not rated highly, this article is whack.

I've never had them to my recollection, but Raisinets have always had a kind of allure, like I was missing out. I didn't like chocolate and raisins weren't exactly my favorite either, but then Harvey Korman and Carl Reiner were big promoters, so there had to be something there. They should win some kind of "Emeritus" award. Boxed candy...kind of a 20th Century thing, and they were there in the beginning (1927!).
posted by rhizome at 11:31 PM on October 20, 2018


How Much is Inside Reese's Peanut Butter Cups?

A good start, but incomplete. More ratios required! (Also, what about those novelty "giant cups?")

You can make your own Reese's peanut butter.

You magnificent bastard.
posted by duffell at 5:31 AM on October 21, 2018 [2 favorites]


wibari: "can i shout out to Zero bars??"

Yes! It's like an albino Snickers I guess. I had a thing for a while with my son, every time we saw a Zero bar when getting gas or whatever, we bought one. But not many places carry them, so it was a combination treasure hunt and delayed reward mechanism. If we found one, we got a candy bar, but we didn't ALWAYS get a candy bar because stores don't always have them.
posted by caution live frogs at 10:35 AM on October 22, 2018


The Ultimate Halloween Candy Power Ranking (Walt Hickey, 538)
The social contract of Halloween is simple: Provide adequate treats to costumed masses, or be prepared for late-night tricks from those dissatisfied with your offer. To help you avoid that type of vengeance, and to help you make good decisions at the supermarket this weekend, we wanted to figure out what Halloween candy people most prefer. So we devised an experiment: Pit dozens of fun-sized candy varietals against one another, and let the wisdom of the crowd decide which one was best.1

While we don’t know who exactly voted, we do know this: 8,371 different IP addresses voted on about 269,000 randomly generated matchups.2 So, not a scientific survey or anything, but a good sample of what candy people like. And here’s what they said:
Spoiler: people love peanut butter.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 12:45 PM on October 24, 2018 [1 favorite]


Relevant to our discussion (Irish people taste-testing popular USA Halloween candy)
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 1:28 PM on October 24, 2018


The Ultimate Halloween Candy Power Ranking (Walt Hickey, 538)

That's all well and good, but for the model at the end they really should have run that percent-win through a logit transform first since they're trying to predict precise point values.

Other things this study needs:

(1) More data, especially concentrated in candies that do one thing. Most especially, peanutbuttery candies that aren't chocelty. In the first place, this will reduce whatever collinearity is there between peanutbutter and chocolate.

(2) It would also allow interactive effects. I would bet you that the actual effect for choclety-peanut-busters is greater than the sum of the effects for chocolate and peanutbutter.

If you're gonna nerd this shit up, nerd it up right. REVIEWER 2 OUT!
posted by GCU Sweet and Full of Grace at 5:41 PM on October 24, 2018 [1 favorite]


MetaFilter: nerd this shit up
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 6:43 PM on October 24, 2018 [1 favorite]


« Older Better than tiger urine   |   Oh, dear. Newer »


This thread has been archived and is closed to new comments