Toys For People You Hate
November 9, 2018 5:10 PM   Subscribe

2018's strangest toy trend has to be Yellies, spider toys who respond to your child's voice, and run faster the louder they yell, which keep inexplicably selling out. Or maybe not so inexplicably.
posted by Eyebrows McGee (87 comments total) 30 users marked this as a favorite
 
Oh boy oh boy I know what my family's getting for Christmas.
posted by phunniemee at 5:12 PM on November 9, 2018 [14 favorites]


Correction: Thanksgiving. Just ordered.

(The youngest member of my family is 26 years old. We just fight a lot.)
posted by phunniemee at 5:17 PM on November 9, 2018 [27 favorites]


I shipped it to my brother's house and gave him a heads up that something would be arriving, then told him what it was.

His response: "Better oil those legs. I don't think it'll move fast enough to keep up."
posted by phunniemee at 5:22 PM on November 9, 2018 [4 favorites]


I shall be simultaneously the most loved and hated grandmother in the family this Xmas. Schrodinger's nana, as it were. This is so THRILLING :)
posted by Mary Ellen Carter at 5:27 PM on November 9, 2018 [40 favorites]


I’m really bummed that my nephews are too young, because I love buying gifts that drive my sibling’s family crazy (my last big gift, a hella loud drum, was a big hit with my nephew).
posted by shapes that haunt the dusk at 5:32 PM on November 9, 2018 [8 favorites]


Oh no.
posted by 80 Cats in a Dog Suit at 5:32 PM on November 9, 2018 [8 favorites]


Towards you, or away from you?



Asking for a, uh, friend.
posted by tilde at 5:36 PM on November 9, 2018 [5 favorites]


(my last big gift, a hella loud drum, was a big hit with my nephew)

I... see. 😾
posted by GenjiandProust at 5:38 PM on November 9, 2018 [4 favorites]


Wacky WallWalker was a hot interactive spider-toy in the early 1980s, which was "activated" by throwing it against a wall. The entertainment value was in watching it roll down toward the floor.

It was a simpler time.
posted by she's not there at 5:40 PM on November 9, 2018 [34 favorites]


I WANT ONE!
posted by dhruva at 5:41 PM on November 9, 2018


WAAAANT
posted by Reclusive Novelist Thomas Pynchon at 5:44 PM on November 9, 2018


I predict that Charles, the resident gotta-have-this-new-gizmo geek at work, will have one of these by 9am Thursday morning. And that at exactly 9:15am it will be smashed beyond repair by our lead firmware designer who has both a unstoppable fear of spiders and a handbag that weighs only slightly less than she does.
posted by Old'n'Busted at 5:45 PM on November 9, 2018 [43 favorites]


I think this maybe solves the "I wanna scream but it's socially unacceptable" problem in the axe-throwing thread. Yellies for mefites!
posted by b33j at 5:51 PM on November 9, 2018 [22 favorites]


Heh. This reminds me of how loved those old RadioShack fire helmets with siren and klaxon were.
posted by Samizdata at 6:04 PM on November 9, 2018 [4 favorites]



I think this maybe solves the "I wanna scream but it's socially unacceptable" problem in the axe-throwing thread. Yellies for mefites!


put republican cutout faces on them
then scream at them and they run away
perhaps there can be a mod where they explode
or fly into the sun
posted by lalochezia at 6:05 PM on November 9, 2018 [15 favorites]


"This reminds me of how loved those old RadioShack fire helmets with siren and klaxon were."

That's EXACTLY what I thought of. My childless uncle got us those for Christmas when I was five. My parents STILL COMPLAIN ABOUT IT thirty-five years later!
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 6:09 PM on November 9, 2018 [19 favorites]


I'm a helper!
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 6:11 PM on November 9, 2018 [22 favorites]


I am also that shitty uncle that has bought the kids multiple drum sets
posted by RobotVoodooPower at 6:13 PM on November 9, 2018 [5 favorites]


Oh my dear sweet lord. My sister once got my (2? 3?)-year-old a bear that played snippets of Christmas tunes whenever its paw was pressed. Which said child did again and again and again. And again. Until we took the batteries out and told him it was "broken".

Giving one of these as a gift is the evilest thing I can imagine.
posted by Greg_Ace at 6:29 PM on November 9, 2018 [9 favorites]


We also gave my sister a stern lecture regarding "appropriate toys". Which, to her credit, she took to heart.
posted by Greg_Ace at 6:30 PM on November 9, 2018 [1 favorite]


My uncle once got us a set of multiple squeaky plastic musical instruments for Christmas. The next year his kids got the same set in revenge.
posted by bq at 6:37 PM on November 9, 2018 [4 favorites]


Do these run faster if you throw things at them?
posted by ardgedee at 6:38 PM on November 9, 2018 [2 favorites]


Do these run faster if you throw things at them?

Like axes for instance?
posted by Foosnark at 6:40 PM on November 9, 2018 [15 favorites]


My dad was a fireman and the department used to have huge family Xmas parties. 1971 stands out because ALL THE BOYS GOT MACHINE GUNS! There was almost immmediate mayhem, then escalating parental admonishment, COMMUNAL child beating and finally drunken dads arguing over who's idea it had actually been.
posted by bonobothegreat at 6:41 PM on November 9, 2018 [28 favorites]


Think I'll pass on Yellies, thanks.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 6:41 PM on November 9, 2018


Hmmmm mom's B-day is next week, and I'm pretty sure I could order one of these to arrive in time, hmmmm.

On the other hand Mom knows how to use a shovel which she would use to dig a shallow grave in the backyard which she would place my body into- after she kills me.

decisions, decisions...
posted by Homo neanderthalensis at 6:59 PM on November 9, 2018 [8 favorites]


I think I’ll bring one to work. One coworker doesn’t understand how loud their inside voice is, and is also afraid of spiders.
posted by Sterros at 7:13 PM on November 9, 2018 [28 favorites]


Sob! These make me so sad that my nephews are too old for toys! They definitely would have gotten these.
posted by fimbulvetr at 7:15 PM on November 9, 2018 [2 favorites]


> Think I'll pass on Yellies, thanks.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 6:41 PM on November 9 [+] [!]


THAT'S OKAY MORE YELLIES FOR ME

I'M GOING TO NAME MY YELLIE CROCKETY BLOAT
posted by Reclusive Novelist Thomas Pynchon at 7:31 PM on November 9, 2018 [22 favorites]


Did these come from bad place from "The Good Place"?! I would love to get this for my nephew but alas he's only 6months old and unlikely to appreciate it.
posted by tipsyBumblebee at 7:32 PM on November 9, 2018 [7 favorites]


> Did these come from bad place from "The Good Place"?!

if they were from the Bad Place they'd be butthole yellies.

which when you think about it would be a seriously diabolical torture, on par with Trevor's train car that's just a little bit too hot but gets one degree hotter each time you think about how hot it is.
posted by Reclusive Novelist Thomas Pynchon at 7:34 PM on November 9, 2018 [12 favorites]


(steps to podium, clears throat)

On behalf of parents, to the makers of Yellies: go fuck yourselves.

Fucking yelling toys. Fucking assholes.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 7:52 PM on November 9, 2018 [22 favorites]


ALL THE BOYS GOT MACHINE GUNS!

Toy machine guns, right?

Right...?
posted by Secret Sparrow at 7:57 PM on November 9, 2018 [7 favorites]


I predict that Charles, the resident gotta-have-this-new-gizmo geek at work, will have one of these by 9am Thursday morning. And that at exactly 9:15am it will be smashed beyond repair by our lead firmware designer who has both a unstoppable fear of spiders and a handbag that weighs only slightly less than she does.

The thing for a solderer to do is reverse the circuit so the quieter you are, the faster it runs. Then add a homing device and a taser.
posted by rhizome at 8:13 PM on November 9, 2018 [13 favorites]


seriously though when I get some free time I’m going to put together a genuinely creepy-looking Arduino-powered yellie-type spider that moves rapidly toward sources of noise. Or possibly noise or motion.

And that maybe rubs its little spider hands together and acts like it’s sniffing the air when it’s waiting for noise or motion to detect.
posted by Reclusive Novelist Thomas Pynchon at 8:18 PM on November 9, 2018 [33 favorites]


Oh my god I saw these fuckers on Tumblr (without the yelling aspect) and kept gushing to my spouse about the cool rainbow spider toys and how they were making spiders AWESOME PLUSHES. I did not know about the shouting aspect, but now I want my very own even more.

my spouse said I can have one but if I shout at it they get to smash it with a hammer. I'm okay with this. I'm not the one who is afraid of hammers.
posted by sciatrix at 8:21 PM on November 9, 2018 [20 favorites]


I have always loved spiders, especially furry ones, and I need one of these horrible, things in the most profound way that one can need something. It is also true that my partner is absolutely petrified of spiders and hates loud noises.

Why must Hasbro force me to make such cruel choices? I feel like King Solomon or something: cutting babies in half, choosing between the love of my partner and owning and living among like 300 voice-activated scuttling spider robots.....

(Do we have a video yet of a cat trying to catch one of these, preferably while someone is yelling? I would like to see that video immediately).

(Do we have a video of what happens when someone startles an entire *herd* of these? I also want to see such a majestic thing before I die).
posted by faineg at 8:58 PM on November 9, 2018 [14 favorites]


I think I’ll bring one to work. One coworker doesn’t understand how loud their inside voice is, and is also afraid of spiders.

OMIGODS. Okay, so I bought three of the cutest of these a little while ago with my wife's support. My SiL has a nine month old, and we talked about planning to have these propped up still in the packaging around the place as a threat to solicit good behavior from the SiL who is not always that nice, or we give the kid a Yellie.

BUT.

When I'm enthusiastic or drunk I don't understand how loud my own inside voice is, and an alternative great use for these is an adorable canary to warn me when I'm being unnecessarily loud! I didn't even think of that, thanks for the idea.
posted by Caduceus at 9:02 PM on November 9, 2018 [12 favorites]


I bought 2 because they are cute.
I bet my kid won't care.
Anyone want some Fingerlings?
posted by k8t at 9:26 PM on November 9, 2018 [1 favorite]


I wonder if this would work with a cat that insists on loudly meowing for an hour or so before each meal time? Honestly, if it could also follow the cat, I'd order 10.
posted by BigHeartedGuy at 9:31 PM on November 9, 2018 [15 favorites]


I think the real authentic thing will be tough to top.
posted by Greg_Ace at 9:50 PM on November 9, 2018 [5 favorites]


Oh great. Another big win for the Spider-Industrial complex.
posted by sexyrobot at 9:56 PM on November 9, 2018 [3 favorites]


I wonder if this would work with a cat that insists on loudly meowing for an hour or so before each meal time?

It seems like it might provide an excellent distraction and I am seriously thinking of ordering >1 for my mother's two large adult children kittens
posted by notquitemaryann at 12:15 AM on November 10, 2018 [3 favorites]


I am also that shitty uncle that has bought the kids multiple drum sets

Haha in my defense I’m a drummer and the kid LOVED playing “drums” with me. And his mom was there when I bought the drum! But it is hella loud, and I’ve been joking that it’s payback for years of sibling conflict.

Buying one of these shouty toys would be straight up mean though.
posted by shapes that haunt the dusk at 12:56 AM on November 10, 2018


Beasts of the Web.
posted by Segundus at 1:13 AM on November 10, 2018 [5 favorites]


I just ordered three of them and they'll be delivered on Sunday. When my very loud cow-orker steps away from his desk on Monday I'll put them under it... waiting.... quietly... until he comes back and... I dunno but hopefully he flips the fuck out when they start running around.
posted by bendy at 1:41 AM on November 10, 2018 [1 favorite]


Missed opportunities in nomenclature:

AHHHHHHHHHHHRACHNIDS.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 4:19 AM on November 10, 2018 [12 favorites]


I want to order one of these for my own kid. Is there something wrong with me?
posted by uncleozzy at 6:45 AM on November 10, 2018


Ordered one for the dog, which should please the neighbors.
posted by notyou at 7:03 AM on November 10, 2018 [1 favorite]


I wonder how that would play with cats.
posted by seanmpuckett at 7:04 AM on November 10, 2018 [1 favorite]


Well, I know what toy is going directly into the garbage if it happens to show up this year.
posted by Xyanthilous P. Harrierstick at 7:25 AM on November 10, 2018 [2 favorites]


Makes me think about how this technology could be used in a "smart home." By that, I mean everything - from the thermostat to the refrigerator to the garage door opener - would be controlled by screaming. Blood-curdling screaming.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 7:29 AM on November 10, 2018 [12 favorites]


The Google Home device connected to our smartlights and our TV and so on doesn’t recognize my wife’s voice very well, so around here, blood curdling screams announce an upcoming channel change or light dimming.
posted by notyou at 7:53 AM on November 10, 2018 [9 favorites]


By that, I mean everything - from the thermostat to the refrigerator to the garage door opener - would be controlled by screaming. Blood-curdling screaming.

hey askme how do i secure venture capital
posted by poffin boffin at 8:39 AM on November 10, 2018 [13 favorites]


I wonder how that would play with cats.

If you have a cat that screams loudly and often, you have bigger problems.
posted by RobotVoodooPower at 9:37 AM on November 10, 2018 [3 favorites]


This is the greatest thing I've ever seen.
posted by jameaterblues at 9:37 AM on November 10, 2018


If you have a cat that screams loudly and often, you have bigger problems.

Oh so you have met my cat?
posted by Secret Sparrow at 9:52 AM on November 10, 2018 [5 favorites]


Wacky WallWalker was a hot interactive spider-toy in the early 1980s, which was "activated" by throwing it against a wall. The entertainment value was in watching it roll down toward the floor.

It was a simpler time.


Oh my god, I remember that Thanksgiving. It was a whole kitchen full of drunk people throwing those things against the kitchen window (I always thought they were octopi and am only just now learning that they were spiders) and then whooping and shouting as they raced towards the sill.

Simpler time indeed.
posted by mudpuppie at 10:40 AM on November 10, 2018 [5 favorites]


Fail toys. I want a realistic huntsman spider that runs toward loud sounds. For a... friend.
posted by Splunge at 10:50 AM on November 10, 2018 [6 favorites]


art installation: empty white room with a bunch of extremely creepy large robot spiders scattered around the perimeter. People walk into the center of the room, at which point the spiders start advancing toward them unless they continually yell as loud as they possibly can. you stop yelling for even a second? here come the spiders! once the spiders start moving, you have to yell even louder to stop them, and keep yelling louder to keep them stopped.

I call it “United States Politics 2016-20xx”
posted by Reclusive Novelist Thomas Pynchon at 11:17 AM on November 10, 2018 [23 favorites]


Ohhh boy, for the guys at work :)
posted by burb122 at 11:29 AM on November 10, 2018


I want to order one of these for my own kid. Is there something wrong with me?

First child, right? Probably still a baby and you think "Up all night" is a cute song and good idea.
posted by she's not there at 11:37 AM on November 10, 2018 [1 favorite]


I'm asking Santa for the "Mr Zapp!" EMP kit for kids.
posted by pracowity at 11:43 AM on November 10, 2018


I wonder if this would work with a cat that insists on loudly meowing for an hour or so before each meal time? Honestly, if it could also follow the cat, I'd order 10.

I want seven. that will gather in a circle around the cat. And somehow get him to lower the volume knob, but anyways, I now have exactly the excuse I need to get one.
posted by kalimac at 11:51 AM on November 10, 2018 [1 favorite]


(I always thought they were octopi and am only just now learning that they were spiders)

We discussed this at the time and decided that 1. no one would throw an octopus at the wall, and 2. if anyone did, they would slide, not walk, toward the floor.

And yes, alcohol and marijuana were involved in this discussion.
posted by she's not there at 11:53 AM on November 10, 2018 [4 favorites]


Sweet Jesus, am I glad I don't have kids.
posted by sarcasticah at 12:34 PM on November 10, 2018 [2 favorites]


Ooh, the package is bilingual.

Plus tu cries fort, plus elles vont vite
– Sartre
posted by moonmilk at 1:16 PM on November 10, 2018 [19 favorites]


I see some unhappy siblings but excited nieces and nephews in my future!
posted by TedW at 3:03 PM on November 10, 2018 [1 favorite]


How the heck can Hasbro market these things without making a fluffy brown one with a soundchip that sounds like Lucas?
posted by Fiberoptic Zebroid and The Hypnagogic Jerks at 5:13 PM on November 10, 2018


My wife has vetoed the idea of getting these for her nephews in the basis of not wanting to be disowned.

Also, Boston Dynamics? This is not something you guys need to work on. We don't need a realistic one of these that can climb walls and flip itself over from its back.
posted by Hactar at 5:30 PM on November 10, 2018 [2 favorites]


Every generation deserves a Furby of their own.
posted by davebush at 7:01 PM on November 10, 2018 [3 favorites]


I could rig thise to swing from a string, I bet.

Turn on loud rock music remotely, get them swinging, then the movement will cause the motion sensor lights in my house to go on
posted by tilde at 7:07 PM on November 10, 2018


Now neighbors in some lucky gift recipient's apartment building will really have something to complain about...
posted by datawrangler at 9:34 PM on November 10, 2018 [1 favorite]


The inventor is a first ballot Evil Genius Hall of Fame inductee
Samizdata: “Heh. This reminds me of how loved those old RadioShack fire helmets with siren and klaxon were.”
My brother and I both had one!
posted by ob1quixote at 9:59 PM on November 10, 2018 [1 favorite]


I'm kind of in awe of the sadistic genius of whoever came up with these things. It's the super-secret dance activated by yelling even louder that just caps it off perfectly. Well played, Satan. Well played.
posted by parm at 4:14 AM on November 11, 2018 [5 favorites]


yeah i feel like they were invented by a childless person who was super duper seriously tired of dealing with shrill endless screaming at family holiday gatherings and was like "how can i make this worse while staying safely at home"

anyway i'm buying 20, christmas is going to be fucking hilarious
posted by poffin boffin at 9:37 AM on November 11, 2018 [11 favorites]


I definitely bought these for each of my feral nieces. Christmas is going to be so good.
posted by libraritarian at 10:44 AM on November 11, 2018 [4 favorites]


If these things could move in circles, one could place them in the vicinity of a baby and use the resulting screaming/scurrying feedback loop to find out what their true top speed is.
posted by The Card Cheat at 11:55 AM on November 12, 2018


Though the age range on these is five and up, kids who are much, much older might not find them quite as appealing as the younger ones will.

Yeah right...
posted by Omnomnom at 12:38 PM on November 12, 2018


Old'n'Busted: I predict that Charles, the resident gotta-have-this-new-gizmo geek at work, will have one of these by 9am Thursday morning. And that at exactly 9:15am it will be smashed beyond repair by our lead firmware designer who has both a unstoppable fear of spiders and a handbag that weighs only slightly less than she does.

This pair of sentences wins the 2018 MeFi Comment Short Fiction Award, walking away.

posted by wenestvedt at 1:09 PM on November 12, 2018 [2 favorites]


HANG ON!

bonobothegreat: My dad was a fireman and the department used to have huge family Xmas parties. 1971 stands out because ALL THE BOYS GOT MACHINE GUNS! There was almost immmediate mayhem, then escalating parental admonishment, COMMUNAL child beating and finally drunken dads arguing over who's idea it had actually been.

And in Second Place.....

posted by wenestvedt at 1:11 PM on November 12, 2018 [4 favorites]


I just want to report that I hadn't looked at the videos and I first mis-read 'Yellies' as some kind of conflation with 'Jellies' and I was picturing large quivering motorized sticky semi-transparant spiders, which is even more nightmarish.
posted by bq at 1:19 PM on November 12, 2018 [4 favorites]


I was picturing large quivering motorized sticky semi-transparant spiders

My favorite holiday desert.
posted by Splunge at 2:30 PM on November 12, 2018 [1 favorite]


I don’t have issue with the loud yelling, but the fact that they are spiders ... the screams will all be coming from me.
posted by theappleonatree at 7:35 PM on November 12, 2018


'Jellies' and I was picturing large quivering motorized sticky semi-transparant spiders, which is even more nightmarish.

For me Jellies were girls shoes made of a transparent plastic in various colors, back then in a kind of Salt Water sandal kind of shape. The spiders were Wacky Wall Walkers and there were television commercials!
posted by rhizome at 7:48 PM on November 12, 2018 [1 favorite]


When you *evil laugh* at Bo Dangles he frantically spins around and around, all lights flashing. It's the most agitated I've seen it yet.
posted by bendy at 9:17 PM on November 15, 2018 [2 favorites]


posted by Greg_Ace: Oh my dear sweet lord. My sister once got my (2? 3?)-year-old a bear that played snippets of Christmas tunes whenever its paw was pressed. Which said child did again and again and again. And again. Until we took the batteries out and told him it was "broken".
Giving one of these as a gift is the evilest thing I can imagine.


Oh, I can top that. When Boy was a toddler, we received a Super Duper Pooper Bear. It sang a song and bopped around, and now, a decade and a half later, I can still hear the song. It haunts me.
posted by SecretAgentSockpuppet at 9:08 PM on November 16, 2018


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