I knew I'd get postnatal depression

November 16, 2018 3:22 PM

Before I had PND, I already had a psychotic illness. I knew I'd get postnatal depression. The reality was nothing like what I expected. While I was pregnant, I’d already conceded defeat, getting my black dog a new bed and a fancy ceramic bowl. But I had got it all wrong. PND didn’t just blend into the depression I already had. I didn’t just become “more depressed”. It was a whole distinct illness with its own symptoms and its own treatments. Anna Spargo-Ryan in The Guardian.
posted by mosessis (5 comments total)

When my daughter was a few weeks old I went to the maternal and child health nurse for a regular check-up. I knew it should have been nice to walk there, pushing my imaginary doll past the canal. The fresh air was objectively pleasant, the winter streets pretty in theory. I sat at the nurse’s desk and she humoured me by pretending to weigh the baby I had invented in my mind.

Woooowwwwwwww. I just had a flashback to my first few months after my son was born, when I knew he existed, but was 95% convinced that he didn't belong to me, and someone had given him to me to take care of. I loved him terribly, but he wasn't actually mine , you know? I would have killed anyone who tried to hurt him, but he wasn't actually my baby.

She is totally right, PND is a different beast from depression. I've gone through periods of depression, not serious, but PND broke my brain. I should have been heavily medicated, possibly hospitalized, if I'm being really honest with myself. But I made it through, somehow, and now he's five years old and I'm 95% convinced that he really is my baby.
posted by lollymccatburglar at 5:14 PM on November 16, 2018 [28 favorites]

I wish I had known about perinatal anxiety, so I wasn't so frightened.
posted by GeckoDundee at 5:29 PM on November 16, 2018 [4 favorites]

We experienced it. Terrifying for everyone.
posted by JamesBay at 9:46 PM on November 16, 2018 [3 favorites]

Afterwards, she looked right at me. No one had looked right at me for weeks, no one had been able to focus on the shadow person I’d become. She stared and frowned and then she said, “You look like your heart hurts.”

I'm so glad someone saw this and spoke to her.
posted by Ms. Moonlight at 3:23 AM on November 17, 2018 [13 favorites]

I'm pregnant so I'm not going to read that article or anything else that might put negative ideas into my head. But I got postnatal anxiety that was really tough and bordered on OCD (e.g., handwashing to keep from giving the baby germs). It's just a hard time, psychologically.
posted by slidell at 10:46 PM on November 17, 2018 [2 favorites]