How to screw with your parents this Thanksgiving

November 19, 2018 9:13 PM

Turkey Microwave Challenge Causes Parents To Lose Their Minds "Parents wonder if their kids are clueless or just plain drunk when they ask how long to microwave a turkey in new social media challenge."

Oh god, just read it. I about died laughing at the responses.

posted by jenfullmoon (92 comments total)

The funniest thing about this to me is I’m not even sure if my mother knows how to cook a turkey because a) she’s not the biggest fan of turkey meat and b) Dad was always the big chef of the house so my mom’s reaction to this would probably be polite disinterest and a text to talk to my father. And then dad who was a software engineer would at first be like: no. And then he’d be like: wait but could you? And then I’d have to stand like an hour of pontificating on the subject of “could you microwave a turkey” complete with scribbled calculations of time and temp. And then mom would belatedly realize what was happening and ban me and dad from running turkey/microwave experiments. Damn. Now I want to know how to microwave a turkey. Brb
posted by Homo neanderthalensis at 9:23 PM on November 19, 2018 [71 favorites]

TFA tells you at the end.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 9:31 PM on November 19, 2018 [5 favorites]

The best version of this was pulled off by the daughter of chef José Andrés.
posted by Homeboy Trouble at 9:31 PM on November 19, 2018 [18 favorites]

Watched my goddaughter do this to her mom on FB last week. It was very amusing.
posted by ITravelMontana at 9:31 PM on November 19, 2018 [2 favorites]

Given that I’m the only vegetarian in my family, and I’ve never owned a microwave, I could probably get away with this. “Hi mom! Decided to cook a turkey this year! I know, right?? How long do I nuke it for? I just got a microwave and I haven’t quite figured out anything except reheating pizza. Decided to join last century, haha!”

She’d buy it.
posted by greermahoney at 9:33 PM on November 19, 2018 [7 favorites]

I don't have kids, but if I did I would've just answered straight up (in pieces, until cooked through). You wanna eat gross microwave turkey, that's your business.
posted by axiom at 9:36 PM on November 19, 2018 [7 favorites]

"Hello! Patch is currently unavailable in most European locations.

We are working on a technical compliance solution, and hope to be able to provide our local journalism offerings to EU readers soon."

Ugh.
posted by tkfu at 9:42 PM on November 19, 2018 [24 favorites]

For people outside the great firewall of the USA
https://web.archive.org/web/20181120000000*/https://patch.com/us/across-america/turkey-microwave-challenge-causes-parents-lose-their-minds
posted by Julianna Mckannis at 9:51 PM on November 19, 2018 [10 favorites]

I don't get it. Is the joke on you when you discover that your loved ones think you are dumb enough to actually microwave a turkey?

Maybe I am getting too old.
posted by King Bee at 9:58 PM on November 19, 2018 [19 favorites]

My younger sister tried to prank me with this. At first I was alarmed, but then I felt relief upon realizing that there is no way she has access to a big enough microwave in her dorm.
posted by a certain Sysoi Pafnut'evich at 10:08 PM on November 19, 2018 [1 favorite]

We are working on a technical compliance solution

I weep for you, internet.
posted by davejay at 10:12 PM on November 19, 2018 [7 favorites]

My older sister and I tag-teamed my mom on something similar about seven or so years ago, except it was with a whole beef tenderloin and we waited until she walked into the kitchen. We had been trusted for the first time with the big Christmas dinner, and we hadn't consulted her for recipes, so when she arrived we made sure to be standing next to the microwave and to appear to be canoodling.

"Okay, so, I'm pretty sure 50 minutes should do it," I said.
"50? Not 60?" she said.
"Yeah, I mean, we want it to be medium rare, not medium."
"Full power?"
"Let's go for 80%."

Mom went a little white in the face but, being the supportive mom she is, just asked in a very tight-voiced tone what we were doing, and when we, in perfectly angelic tones, told her we were nuking the very expensive 20 lb tenderloin, she nodded and in a bare whisper murmured, "I hope you know what you're doing."

Then I couldn't keep a straight face anymore.

Friendos, I'm not gonna lie, it was...primo good natured pranking.
posted by offalark at 10:50 PM on November 19, 2018 [76 favorites]

TFA tells you at the end.

So shame on me, obviously- but I have a good excuse for not reading the fucking article- because there is a Different Version of the fucking article going around imgur and I foolishly assumed it was the same fucking article. *that* fucking article didn’t have the actual recipe to microwave a turkey attached to it, perhaps wisely, as now I’m desperately trying to squash the urge to try said recipe to the ruin of my holiday...
posted by Homo neanderthalensis at 10:50 PM on November 19, 2018 [5 favorites]

Am reminded of the time I went to my brother’s for Christmas. His other half opened the front door and said “John’s just putting the turkey on the BBQ”.

To those of you from exotic climes this may sound like a normal thing to say, in Croydon however it is avant garden cooking enough to shock even Heston Blumenthal.
posted by fallingbadgers at 10:56 PM on November 19, 2018 [17 favorites]

Damnit. Now I want barbecued turkey...
posted by Homo neanderthalensis at 11:02 PM on November 19, 2018 [2 favorites]

These days, I'm never sure whether to be happy or sad that the bar is so low.

(I lie. It just makes me sad.)
posted by humboldt32 at 12:27 AM on November 20, 2018 [5 favorites]

Millenial: Hey Mom and Dad, how long should I microwave a turkey?
Mom: Wh-wh-what?
Dad: Are you high?
Mom and Dad: [Many explanations why it is impossible to cook a turkey via microwave].
Millenial: Haha, guys, it is a joke! I don't really want to microwave a turkey.
Mom: ...
Dad: ...
posted by zardoz at 12:31 AM on November 20, 2018 [19 favorites]

So i know it's not the best thing to do but I was under the impression that it was done in the past. How do I know this? Because at one apartment I had a very very old microwave. One that came with a meat thermometer! I asked my parents about this and they said back when microwaves were still a big deal people would cook all kinds of inappropriate meats in there. Maybe it's just these newfangled microwaves that can't handle the turkey.
posted by LizBoBiz at 12:38 AM on November 20, 2018 [9 favorites]

Today Food - How long to microwave 25-pound turkey? Thanksgiving prank goes viral
posted by pracowity at 12:56 AM on November 20, 2018

Something something Easy-Bake Oven something canary something something.
posted by zaixfeep at 1:06 AM on November 20, 2018 [3 favorites]

Millenial: Hey Mom and Dad, how long should I microwave a turkey?
Mom: Wh-wh-what?
Dad: Are you high?
Mom and Dad: [Many explanations why it is impossible to cook a turkey via microwave].
Millenial: Haha, guys, it is a joke! I don't really want to microwave a turkey.
Mom: ...
Dad: ...

Hahaha the joke is that Millenials don't talk on the telephone. Hysterical.
posted by straight at 1:14 AM on November 20, 2018 [22 favorites]

Is this more a case of going viral or going bacterial?
posted by GenjiandProust at 2:08 AM on November 20, 2018 [15 favorites]

Offalark... I have questions.

"My older sister and I .. made sure to be standing next to the microwave and to appear to be canoodling."

I am curious if you have a very close relationship with your odler sister, or if you maybe are not sure what the word canoodling means?
I only raise the issue in case it's the latter, to save potential issues in the future.
posted by Just this guy, y'know at 2:41 AM on November 20, 2018 [72 favorites]

So i know it's not the best thing to do but I was under the impression that it was done in the past.

It was! When microwaves were still kind of a new idea, there were cookbooks (more like instructions books I guess) on how to cook *everything* in them. There were even these horrible microwave cake mixes for a little while until people started to get the hang of what you can't do with a microwave.
posted by dilettante at 3:06 AM on November 20, 2018 [16 favorites]

I’ll never find it now, but I remember seeing an early ad for the benefits of microwave ovens that promised they would cook a turkey in minutes. Horrifying stuff.
posted by rodlymight at 3:08 AM on November 20, 2018 [1 favorite]

Canoedling? (previously, though probably just a folk etymology)
posted by XMLicious at 3:13 AM on November 20, 2018 [5 favorites]

Patch is currently unavailable in most European locations.
We are working on a technical compliance solution, and hope to be able to provide our local journalism offerings to EU readers soon.

Soon, huh? Sure. I mean you've only had 6 months to sort it out.
posted by EndsOfInvention at 3:13 AM on November 20, 2018 [7 favorites]

This post confuses the hell out of me. If people have giant microwaves that can fit and cook a 25lb bird in their homes isn't that the joke? You're all reacting as if this is completely normal.
posted by urbanwhaleshark at 3:19 AM on November 20, 2018 [6 favorites]

I’m American; my microwave is so big I keep 3 smaller microwaves inside it.
posted by GenjiandProust at 3:25 AM on November 20, 2018 [23 favorites]

Microwave your microwave!

(Not as exciting as it sounds)
posted by LizBoBiz at 3:29 AM on November 20, 2018

I’m American; my microwave is so big I keep 3 smaller microwaves inside it.

Does that mean you can cook a turducken all in one go?
posted by urbanwhaleshark at 3:36 AM on November 20, 2018 [17 favorites]

First, you're gonna need a big crisping sleeve.
posted by bendybendy at 4:10 AM on November 20, 2018 [8 favorites]

Am reminded of the time I went to my brother’s for Christmas. His other half opened the front door and said “John’s just putting the turkey on the BBQ”.

To those of you from exotic climes this may sound like a normal thing to say...

Not sure Australia counts as an exotic clime, but this was always my father's weapon of choice when faced with a turkey and they always came out tender and scrumptious.
posted by flabdablet at 4:16 AM on November 20, 2018 [1 favorite]

I refuse to R any FA that has "lose their minds" in the title. Hrmph.
posted by evilmomlady at 4:23 AM on November 20, 2018 [7 favorites]

I have never actually cooked a turkey solo in my life, but if I do, it will be spatchcocked. That is all.
posted by Halloween Jack at 4:33 AM on November 20, 2018 [2 favorites]

Many years ago we were having Thanksgiving at my parents' house. They don't cook much and they never use their oven at all, so it wasn't until the day of that we discovered that their oven was busted, leaving me (the sole vegetarian) to figure out what to do with the huge 20 pound bird they'd bought.

Barbecued. Pan-fried. Braised. And yes, microwaved. While the microwaved turkey wasn't the most popular choice, it did come out moist and tender, and it was all eaten.
posted by 1adam12 at 4:37 AM on November 20, 2018 [3 favorites]

Per family lore, my great grandmother used to boil the Thanksgiving turkey every year, so my mother would actually probably think this an improvement.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 4:53 AM on November 20, 2018 [3 favorites]

We did this one year. Oven broke. The ancient weapons-grade microwave had instructions for a turkey in its manual and we followed them.
posted by thelonius at 5:01 AM on November 20, 2018 [8 favorites]

OK, so I am just old enough to remember when my parents first got a microwave. Right there, on the cover of the microwave...cookbook? Instruction manual? There was a turkey. I remember the turkey looking like a normal roasted turkey, rather than the kind of turkey you'd get out of a microwave, so either there were some photography shenanigans or my brain just remembers one kind of turkey picture. But I specifically remember that it told you how to cook a turkey in the microwave, and that this was the kind of thing that you would do in the modern mid-1980's.

Key tip: Put aluminum foil (!!) over the wing tips before microwaving your turkey.
posted by Huffy Puffy at 5:03 AM on November 20, 2018 [10 favorites]

BEHOLD, REAGAN-ERA THANKSGIVING IN ALL ITS GLORY!!!! (via)
posted by Huffy Puffy at 5:15 AM on November 20, 2018 [8 favorites]

That’s a duck
posted by mrgroweler at 5:16 AM on November 20, 2018 [5 favorites]

It used to be a common comedy gag for someone to see a recipe saying "bake at 300°F for 2 hours" and they go "I don't have that long, so I'll bake at 600°F for one hour!"

It was about as funny as this is, really.
posted by rum-soaked space hobo at 5:18 AM on November 20, 2018 [11 favorites]

I refuse to R any FA that has "lose their minds" in the title. Hrmph.

But what if it's an article about brain-eating parasites? Or Venom-style symbiosis? Or dementia?

But yeah. One of the magazines I like that generally presents itself as serious journalism has taken to regularly using clickbaity headlines on their social media posts, and it almost makes me want to cancel my subscription to the otherwise decent print magazine.
posted by eviemath at 5:20 AM on November 20, 2018 [6 favorites]

I felt relief upon realizing that there is no way she has access to a big enough microwave in her dorm.

The Older Sibling Code requires you, at this point, to explain that with enough quarters, it's possible to cook a turkey in the clothes dryer.
posted by Western Infidels at 5:24 AM on November 20, 2018 [28 favorites]

eBay listing with definitely a turkey, but link may not last.
posted by Huffy Puffy at 5:26 AM on November 20, 2018 [3 favorites]

Internet-savvy parents aren't going to fall for this prank and will savage their naive offspring for their temerity.
posted by Doktor Zed at 5:35 AM on November 20, 2018 [9 favorites]

But I specifically remember that it told you how to cook a turkey in the microwave, and that this was the kind of thing that you would do in the modern mid-1980's.


It came out pretty well, really.
posted by thelonius at 5:38 AM on November 20, 2018

On the topic of microwave cookery and cookbooks: my wife's Oma is, as you might guess, Dutch, and there are a few Dutch cookbooks floating around my in-laws' house, one of which is a book of microwave recipes from the early 80s. Not to unfairly malign the Dutch, but they're not exactly known for their prowess in the kitchen (unless it's with butter, I suppose). I can only imagine the horrors that live in those pages.
posted by uncleozzy at 5:55 AM on November 20, 2018 [2 favorites]

Maybe if you cut it thin enough, you could cook it in the dishwasher like Vincent Price's poached salmon.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 6:22 AM on November 20, 2018 [13 favorites]

oh my god, that Vincent Price appearance is so great. There's a fantastic joke in there that I won't spoil for you, so just watch it.

Thanks for sharing that video, The Underpants Monster. I've never seen it before
posted by NoMich at 6:28 AM on November 20, 2018 [4 favorites]

"Have I taught you nothing?" one dad responded. "I feel like a complete failure. Be sure to wrap it in tinfoil and ignore the fire alarm when it goes off."

Dad FTW.
posted by Miko at 6:37 AM on November 20, 2018 [12 favorites]

Screw the dishwasher as an oven implement, if you are driving to visit relatives, you could cook your turkey on the engine block...

(Recently, a relative - who works as a cook - told me the story of how a new "chef" (formally trained and everything) attempted to prepare top-quality steaks in a commercial dishwasher... They ended up in the trash, and as this was for a catered event, it was alot of waste...)
posted by jkaczor at 6:51 AM on November 20, 2018 [1 favorite]

My mom wouldn't fall for it. She knows I know how to cook and that I'm not stupid enough to try and microwave a turkey.
posted by SansPoint at 6:56 AM on November 20, 2018

For year-round vexing of foodie friends: “how long do you microwave sushi?”
posted by lucidium at 6:57 AM on November 20, 2018 [7 favorites]

snickerdoodle: "We didn’t have turkey again for 12 years."

You had that microwave on the defrost setting, no wonder it took 12 years.
posted by chavenet at 6:57 AM on November 20, 2018 [11 favorites]

I am curious if you have a very close relationship with your odler sister, or if you maybe are not sure what the word canoodling means?
I only raise the issue in case it's the latter, to save potential issues in the future.

Issues like trying to canoodle with coworker on a live news broadcast
posted by JDHarper at 7:07 AM on November 20, 2018 [3 favorites]

OK, so I am just old enough to remember when my parents first got a microwave. Right there, on the cover of the microwave...cookbook? Instruction manual? There was a turkey. I remember the turkey looking like a normal roasted turkey, rather than the kind of turkey you'd get out of a microwave, so either there were some photography shenanigans or my brain just remembers one kind of turkey picture. But I specifically remember that it told you how to cook a turkey in the microwave, and that this was the kind of thing that you would do in the modern mid-1980's.

I believe your parents and mine had the same first microwave.
posted by jacquilynne at 7:22 AM on November 20, 2018 [3 favorites]

In the early 1980's, my parents oven broke on Christmas Eve. My mom was beside herself. She didn't know that I had bought a microwave for her Christmas gift. That's how she cooked the turkey, and it was fine.
posted by maurreen at 7:29 AM on November 20, 2018 [7 favorites]

Is it absolutely vital you fit the turkey inside of the microwave? I'm thinking an intrepid cook could simply use a magnetron like a blowtorch (as long as said cook does not plan to reproduce or live very long)
posted by RobotVoodooPower at 7:34 AM on November 20, 2018 [2 favorites]

“how long do you microwave sushi?”

This is perfect.
posted by bonehead at 8:05 AM on November 20, 2018 [1 favorite]

Right there, on the cover of the microwave...cookbook? Instruction manual? There was a turkey. I remember the turkey looking like a normal roasted turkey, rather than the kind of turkey you'd get out of a microwave, so either there were some photography shenanigans or my brain just remembers one kind of turkey picture.

I was about to mention this as well. My family got a GE microwave in the early 90s and it was a giant thing—microwaves have actually gotten much smaller over the years, but the early ones were almost the size of an oven and could totally have taken a turkey—and it came with a cookbook that had a roast turkey, well-browned and ready to carve, on the cover. I was super intrigued by the idea of microwaving a turkey, and I think the microwave even had some sort of temperature probe thingy (which kicked around in the back of a drawer for decades), but my family wasn't having any of it.

I'm about 90% certain this book is what came with the microwave, except I think the cover was slightly different. Amazon has a slightly different version which does have a turkey front and center, and is consistent with what I remember, but it doesn't have the GE logo on it.

Also, GE has instructions on how to microwave a whole bird, if anyone wants to try it. For science.
posted by Kadin2048 at 8:09 AM on November 20, 2018 [3 favorites]

Look, the kids were cooking turkeys "wrong" well before microwaves. My aunt, cooking her first turkey ever for her first Christmas with her husband and with all the family over, did not know about the need to remove all the giblets left in the body cavity. So the turkey took much longer to cook than expected. My mom goes on about this story like it was some kind of major disaster, but apparently once it was cooked, the turkey was fine and dinner proceeded with no problems outside of being delayed.

It also doesn't seem that long ago that we were seeing videos of attempts to deep fry turkeys going incredibly wrong. And let's not mention the turducken.

So yeah, I see no problem with the kids trying to prank their parents over this. If it were my kid, I would go the extra mile and microwave a turkey for them the next time they came home.
posted by nubs at 8:10 AM on November 20, 2018 [1 favorite]

I believe your parents and mine had the same first microwave.

But was it a Radarange?
posted by fiercecupcake at 8:10 AM on November 20, 2018 [1 favorite]

Is this the thread where I talk about my friend, who apparently puts everything in the microwave set for ten minutes regardless of instructions, and then watches it turn until it looks done, and then stops the microwave. Sometimes she forgets to look and burns everything. It's chaos! ten minutes is too long for almost all pre-prepared food! All the packets have actual microwave time printed on them!

She would definitely microwave a turkey.
posted by stillnocturnal at 8:25 AM on November 20, 2018 [7 favorites]

If you follow 70's Dinner Party on Twitter you see all kinds of horror recipes like this. Here's a Roast Turkey recipe from The New Magic of Microwave Cooking Cookbook
posted by JoeZydeco at 8:32 AM on November 20, 2018 [4 favorites]

I believe your parents and mine had the same first microwave.
But was it a Radarange?

Yep!
posted by Huffy Puffy at 8:42 AM on November 20, 2018

Huffy Puffy: "BEHOLD, REAGAN-ERA THANKSGIVING IN ALL ITS GLORY!!!"

Some Amanas had browning elements. They were basically commercial equipment sold to homeowners. One of the tells? The door opens down not to the side.
posted by Mitheral at 8:51 AM on November 20, 2018 [1 favorite]

My son got me resoundingly with this prank:



Wed 20:28
Hey mum, how long should I microwave a turkey for it to be done? It's 25lbs according to the label.

Wed 23:51
microwave is gunna be difficult as it will cook really unevently
It is not recommended that you microwave the turkey
Do you have any other way to cook it?

Well
I have a couple of lighters

and do you have a microwave big enough to stomp the turkey inside it?

And fireworks

If it were my turkey
And I had to solve the problem
i would dismember it
Cleaver, hatchet, biggest knife you got, tin snips
And i would cook the pieces
Microwave bits at a time
And it would take all night of putting pieces in and rotating them

Yep

If you were to put a whole stuffed turkey into the microwave
The inside of the turkey would never be cooked
It would be uneven

Yeah

Even if you kept putting it back on until the outside of the turkey was wood

I found out

And inedible

oh dear

Was anyone poisoned?

Yes

oh dear, who?

But it is okay now

Or should i say how many people?

Nobody important, like seven, also I'm looking for new roomies.

ThE DOG!
No
Tell me the DOG IS OKAY!

Yep. The dog is ok

oh thnak god

Now, before you are too hasty here
If you don't actually mention to anyone that your roomies are deceased
Do you HAVE to get new roomies?
I mean, if their income is direct deposited...
And they don't personally need their bank cards and ID's any more,....
the thing is
cooking for one person is much easier than for a whole apartment's worth of people
if you have to use a microwave
Microwaves are ideal for single servings.

If you really wanted to cook turkey in a microwave, and had lots of time to do it in, what I would do is put the turkey parts into a bowl of water and microwave it in that
It woudl cook it evenly
You'd be doing lots and lots of bowls of water
But the turkey would not overcook or be raw



(Today, after finding this Metafilter post)
12:53
... I failed the prank your parent by asking how to microwave a twenty-five pound turkey challenge.

No
You won it

:::D: I took you seriously
I was supposed to scream no child of mine could be that dumb

Most people do act as the straight man, actually

And I destroyed your self esteem by assuming you are!
I am a MONSTER!
I am sorry Stephen!!!
posted by Jane the Brown at 9:26 AM on November 20, 2018 [23 favorites]

Jane the Brown: "You'd be doing lots and lots of bowls"

Ah yes, the traditional American Thanksgiving!
posted by chavenet at 10:04 AM on November 20, 2018 [7 favorites]

Oh man, I have apparently been drastically wrong about the definition of canoodle my whole life. Thanks, MeFites. This is about as embarrassing that time I was convinced New England was a state.

Just pretend I said "conspiring" instead. I definitely was not smooching my older sister.

Gross. Yikes.
posted by offalark at 10:06 AM on November 20, 2018 [35 favorites]

I was just reminiscing with some coworkers about early microwave ovens. As a kid in the 60s, we'd go down to the Science Museum. They had a microwave oven in their cafeteria, with a carousel cooler case full of sandwiches you could buy and quick heat in the ginormous oven.
Microwave ovens weren't available for retail sale back then, so this oven was as big of a novelty as any of the museum's exhibits. My big sister never could resist it, dragging us downstairs to the cafeteria so she could buy a burger or ham and cheese sandwich just to have it made hot in seconds - the marvel of it!

So, when she was working in her teens at Sears in the early 70s, and Sears began selling microwave ovens, she saved up her money and bought one for our mom. It cost $500, which is the rough equivalent of a $3000 purchase today. A huge purchase for a teenager. She was that infatuated with the idea of instant cookery.

Anyhow, the thing was the size of a tank, or nearly so. It took up a tremendous amount of counter space. And yes, it had a thermometer probe and came with a cookbook full of instructions for cooking turkeys, roasts - you name it. After a couple experiments with chicken and meatloaf, mom wised up and left it for cooking vegetables, reheating foods, and making popcorn in a brown paper bag, which was a brief fad. Until a paper bag burst into flames and burned the oven's interior. Sears had to send a technician out to repair the microwave oven, and instruct my mom to never use brown paper in the microwave - recycled, metal particles, sparking, uh-oh.

We had that monster until sometime in the middle 80s, when a brother who worked for GE gifted mom with a compact model. It had a turntable inside! Wow...progress, man.
posted by Lunaloon at 10:17 AM on November 20, 2018 [3 favorites]

Am I the only person who thinks it’s kind of gauche not just to prank your parents with this but then to put the results on the public Internet?
posted by corb at 10:39 AM on November 20, 2018 [5 favorites]

I guess I just don't get the joke because you totally can cook a turkey in a microwave oven. It's an oven.
posted by JackFlash at 11:05 AM on November 20, 2018 [3 favorites]

I think this would horrify my mother less than the fear that I'd use something other than shoepeg corn in the casserole.
posted by Kutsuwamushi at 11:14 AM on November 20, 2018

Am I the only person who thinks it’s kind of gauche not just to prank your parents with this but then to put the results on the public Internet?

I wouldn't do anything like this to my parents, but then my parents were also not the kind to prank their children and put the results on the public Internet, so. It's all gauche, but sometimes it's justifiably gauche.
posted by asperity at 11:18 AM on November 20, 2018

I think it's fine because you're making yourself look stupid, not them. The parents all come across as lovely people who are genuinely worried about their idiot offspring.
posted by fshgrl at 11:29 AM on November 20, 2018 [5 favorites]

I did have a sister-in-law who cooked her turkey in a crockpot once. I almost wished she'd done it in the microwave, because we basically had turkey stew that year.

The reason for the crockpot was technically a good one: her oven was too small, her crockpot was large enough. If I'd been consulted, I'd have told her to spatchcock it, but she didn't know me, and I wasn't married to her brother yet, and so it went.

So we arrived to a turkey stewing in its juices that she tried to "save" by toasting it under the broiler. I put on a brave face, but I was kind of horrified? Because it was really not good. And I felt bad. And she clearly was upset that it didn't work. And I knew that if I'd arrived early, I could have helped, but, I didn't and so we ended up with...turkey and dumplings, minus the dumplings. At least my pie was well received.

I remember later sitting on the floor of the hotel, on the phone with my mom, whispering, "The crockpot. They used the CROCKPOT to cook the TURKEY." My mom assured me it was all going to be okay.

Then I went off and canoodled with my future husband.
posted by offalark at 11:35 AM on November 20, 2018 [15 favorites]

My daughter asked me this via text one night, and I told her to google it.
posted by cass at 11:53 AM on November 20, 2018 [7 favorites]

Not a turkey, but I did, back in 1989, roast a chicken in a microwave, because the place I was staying had no oven and I really, really wanted a roast chicken. I can't say it was the greatest of roast chickens, and it didn't look too appealing, since the microwave doesn't really brown, but it was good enough to satisfy my craving. Microwaves don't penetrate more than a short distance (I think about an inch?) so anything thicker than that cooks by regular heat transfer, so it ends up taking pretty much the same amount of time as a regular oven; which indeed seems to be what the actual provided instructions are assuming, though they are estimating a turkey that would actually fit in a big microwave and not a 25 pound size.

Then again, if my millenial son tried this prank on me, I'd mostly be focused on the implication that he'd finally got over his irrational distrust of microwaved food.
posted by Dorothea Ladislaw at 11:56 AM on November 20, 2018

So, the joke is that microwaving is not the best way to cook turkey, so you ask someone for tips, and they tell you it's not a good idea?
posted by bongo_x at 12:14 PM on November 20, 2018 [1 favorite]

I had the pleasure of witnessing a friend get that message from her daughter and I cackled with glee as I coached her how to respond, smug in my righteousness of being ahead of some dastardly youngin...

And I can't believe only one person had commented on that Vincent Price clip!!
posted by smcniven at 12:22 PM on November 20, 2018 [4 favorites]

I am doing a 3 pound boneless turkey roast in the Instant Pot this year. It is frozen solid because the recipe calls for that (I'll have a meat thermometer on hand.) I am doing this because the host's oven is broken. I should walk in with just the food and ask about microwave timing!
posted by soelo at 12:31 PM on November 20, 2018 [1 favorite]

Explaining the joke: Some families tease and joke with each other by saying things they know are wrong or asking questions they’re pretty sure will get a strong reaction. The topic should be emotionally harmless so as to not cause pain. Other examples: convincing someone that a thrown ball can create an ionized flow of air which will attract lightning, insisting black and white cows are skunks, dressing up a bedroom with elaborate scenes while they are away, or asking someone how to cook something in a culturally ludicrous way. Whether the person responds seriously or catches on and jokes back, he goal is for everyone to be giggling in the end.
posted by Deoridhe at 2:52 PM on November 20, 2018 [4 favorites]

The reason this is a "prank" and not a "joke" is that a joke is something that a person shares with friends or family (as Deoridhe refers to). This strikes me as a joke-shaped-thing done to embarrass your loved ones in front of strangers. It strikes me as almost as vile as the "parents sharing embarrassing videos of their children" thread, but not quite.
posted by Gilgamesh's Chauffeur at 7:37 PM on November 20, 2018 [2 favorites]

If my mom were still alive, she would know enough about what a hopeless cook I am to believe the prank at face value, and she would start swearing about how lucky I was to have her, for this harebrained idea would surely have brought about my untimely death.

My dad is still alive. If I attempted this prank, he would probably put his hand over the mouthpiece and ask my sister if she knew the answer. I got my cooking skills from him.
posted by armeowda at 8:19 PM on November 20, 2018 [5 favorites]

Relatedly: any other premature-half-orphans out there tempted to prank the Butterball Hotline instead?
posted by armeowda at 8:22 PM on November 20, 2018

It strikes me as almost as vile as the "parents sharing embarrassing videos of their children" thread, but not quite.

Yeah, I was going to say... at this point in history aren't most parents of young people going to be basically reaping what they've sown? Having shared pictures and videos of their kids online for the kids' entire lives, without so much as a clickwrap Apple license's worth of consent?
posted by XMLicious at 1:28 AM on November 21, 2018

done to embarrass your loved ones in front of strangers.
I am really struggling to understand how showing someone's genuine and mostly patient reaction to a (stupid) question is meant to embarrass them.
posted by soelo at 8:02 AM on November 21, 2018 [2 favorites]

Oh, I find it entirely delightful and explained the joke because people seemed to either not understand or be performing not understanding to communicate dislike. While there are families where hurting each other is the goal, and they certainly might do that in public, a lot of the permutations of this appear to be private, and the ones made public that I’ve seen are entirely complementary to their parents, often highlighting either the parent’s purity, or their owning their child in a hilarious way. I’m a fan of sharing funny and awesome things in general, and think well of everyone involved that I’ve seen.
posted by Deoridhe at 9:22 AM on November 21, 2018

Joke’s on You, Kids: You Can Actually Microwave a Turkey
posted by mumimor at 12:58 PM on November 21, 2018 [3 favorites]

> evilmomlady:
"I refuse to R any FA that has "lose their minds" in the title. Hrmph."

Indeed. I was seriously disappointed with the lack of gibbering and inchoate screams of pending murder.
posted by Samizdata at 12:40 PM on November 22, 2018 [2 favorites]

Apparently it's not very difficult if you use a roasting bag, and it can turn out both delicious and not disgusting looking?
"It came out perfect, and it makes me sad."
posted by WaylandSmith at 6:29 PM on November 22, 2018 [4 favorites]