"A unicorn that poos slime once you have spent nearly 50 quid on it."

November 26, 2018 7:22 AM

With Christmas Eve four weeks away, your 900 Christmas cards signed, and TV schedules firming, The Guardian examines the toys aimed at the Christmas market while The Independent highlights the Boxer Robot that follows you (without pooing) and The BBC outlines gift card risks. The TRA would like you to buy buy buy them all. Are they as good as Pogs, Furby or Lazer Tag, or the Hatchimals of 2016, or even Mouse Trap? And what is a 'fingerings Dino'? In a prelude to Brexit, as Brits fight over a carrot (profit!), for adults a "relationship expert" warns of the perils of giving sex toys (ad disguised as advice/news). Though if you like a sexy gift a day, it's 125 quid through December (other advent calendars are available, plus economy ones). Too many toys? Maybe donate a few.
posted by Wordshore (15 comments total)

i am giving everyone the baby burping machine whether or not they have babies
posted by poffin boffin at 7:30 AM on November 26, 2018 [5 favorites]

Annoyingly, spotted this just after submission of the post. From a New Zealand review:

Don’t Step in It

What I thought it was: A game where you’re not meant to step in “it”? I mean, just guessing?

What it actually is: Everything is poo related these days isn’t it? OK, well my kids would love this. It’s fucking stupid. It’s a mat covered in pretend poo. You get blindfolded and you have to walk across the mat and, you guessed it, not step in fake shit.

How much does this cost then?: It’s $39.99. I have a greyhound who weighs 35kg. I could just blindfold the kids and get them to walk across the driveway for free.
posted by Wordshore at 7:35 AM on November 26, 2018 [9 favorites]

I feel like any post regarding "unicorn that poos" would be remiss without the requisite video (totally SFW, except for how loud you might cackle).
posted by trackofalljades at 7:35 AM on November 26, 2018 [3 favorites]

Hoo boy Fortnite Monopoly from this link. Every time this game is sold a little tragedy takes place. Some poor parent who wants to get their child off the computer to maybe engage in some family time (maybe, the parent thinks, I might get the chance to learn a little about this 'Fortnight') is doomed to heart break.

Best case scenario: The child has already played some version monopoly. A polite thank you is issued. The box may be opened and investigated and a few noises are made. They sound like excitement; they are recognition. The parent suggests they play it some time. Sure, says the child...sometime. Later, the board is chewed up to make bedding for a family of mice in the basement.

Worst case scenario: The child has never played monopoly. Could be fun. A game session begins on a dark thursday night of Christmas vacation. A full half of the child's enthusiasm is drained by the time the rules are adequately explained. The rest is gone by the 45 minute mark, maybe longer, depending on how good the snacks are. The child spends the remaining 1-2 hours trying to mask their soul-crushing boredom as they realize that monopoly is the diametric opposite experience of Fortnight. For the first time, the child has concrete proof that their parents will never understand certain parts of their life. This may or may not be the first time the child becomes acutely aware, on guy level, that their parent will die someday, that everyone will die some day.
posted by es_de_bah at 9:08 AM on November 26, 2018 [20 favorites]

Heads up newcomers to the thread, both the '£125 quid' link and the 'other advent calenders' goes straight to the www.Dailystar.co.uk

Also is it just me or are the Scruff-a-luvs from the Guardian link, pure nightmare fuel in their pre-washed state?
posted by Faintdreams at 10:20 AM on November 26, 2018 [1 favorite]

es_de_bah, you're talking about Monopoly. It's not a fun game, not a cherishable element of childhood, it's a brutal double lesson on the evils of capitalism. One in it's design, another in how you'll inevitably have to play this POS board game in some form or other eventually.
posted by GoblinHoney at 10:20 AM on November 26, 2018 [3 favorites]

“What did I get for Christmas in 2018, Mum?” “A carrot.” “What?” “A carrot in a jumper.” “Why?” “Because it was on an advert.” “An advert for the carrot?” “No, an advert for a supermarket.” “I don’t understand.” “The carrot was a character in an advert for a supermarket.”

I swear I am not making this up - I remember there was a toilet paper brand with ads that featured a talking toilet paper roll (when I was a teen, I think). And at some point - they actually tried rolling out a talking toilet paper roll hand puppet. And not even with one whose mouth you could manipulate (which could have possibly been a teeny bit interesting from a puppetry-techniques angle) - it was just your basic mitten-style hand puppet with a toilet paper roll for a head. I only remember seeing one or two ads for the puppet and thinking "....that's not gonna go well."

How much does this cost then?: It’s $39.99. I have a greyhound who weighs 35kg. I could just blindfold the kids and get them to walk across the driveway for free.

Heh; sort-of tangentially related, I was once in the pet aisle at Target, hoping to pick up a couple of token doo-dads for some relatives' family pets. But I was on a really strict budget, and each of the individual toys exceeded my total budget for all three dogs. I was picking things up and putting them down, pacing back and forth in the aisle, hunting and thinking. Three other people were in the aisle as well, doing the same thing, with similar frowns on their faces; clearly having the same problem. Finally, one guy muttered something that cracked us all up - "seriously, I should just go out to my back yard and tie ribbons around some sticks."
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 10:21 AM on November 26, 2018 [6 favorites]

This may or may not be the first time the child becomes acutely aware, on guy level, that their parent will die someday, that everyone will die some day.

the greatest gift one can give a child at christmas is that of existential darkness
posted by poffin boffin at 10:30 AM on November 26, 2018 [5 favorites]

This may or may not be the first time the child becomes acutely aware, on guy level, that their parent will die someday, that everyone will die some day.

So what? That just means they'll have to queue for a little bit before getting back on the flying bus, right? Right?
posted by Elmore at 10:33 AM on November 26, 2018 [1 favorite]

Regards the Fortnight Monopoly, the game is vastly improved if played according to the actual rules - which is something most people dont actually do leading to the tiresome marathon gameplay.

Also Hasobro is terrible for reskining Monopoly in the laziest way possible for any brand they slap onto the original base game.

And yes I am still sore that Rey was not a playable piece for the Force Awakens Monopoly.
posted by Faintdreams at 10:39 AM on November 26, 2018 [1 favorite]

The presence and placement of the letter 'L' in 'fingerling' is among the more important uses of that letter, IMHO.
posted by Horkus at 11:41 AM on November 26, 2018 [2 favorites]

es_de_bah, you're talking about Monopoly. It's not a fun game, not a cherishable element of childhood, it's a brutal double lesson on the evils of capitalism. One in it's design, another in how you'll inevitably have to play this POS board game in some form or other eventually.

For anyone that didn't know, Monopoly was invented in 1903 by Lizzy Magie (a left-wing feminist) and was, as GoblinHoney notes, an anti-capitalist lesson originally called "The Landlord's Game". It's not intended to be fun, or fair.
posted by chappell, ambrose at 2:27 PM on November 26, 2018 [2 favorites]

Also is it just me or are the Scruff-a-luvs from the Guardian link, pure nightmare fuel in their pre-washed state?

I am a grown-ass adult and I would absolutely buy one of those Scruff-a-Luvs if they were fluffy balls of fur that stayed fluffy balls of fur, and if they were cheaper.

£20 for a generic plushie, with just the novelty that you have to give it a bath first, though? Nah.
posted by sailoreagle at 2:36 PM on November 26, 2018 [2 favorites]

Is it just me or does the Poopsie Surprise Unicorn* look like the young Miss Piggy?

*I have to reluctantly acknowledge the twisted power of the imagination that came up with that, btw.
posted by Segundus at 3:08 PM on November 26, 2018 [2 favorites]

I love these UK Christmas posts!
posted by Ms. Moonlight at 7:52 AM on November 27, 2018