The Christmas Light War

December 1, 2018 6:10 PM

The long, strange story of the four-year-battle over Christmas lights that drove Hayden, Idaho insane. Featuring: a camel named Dolly, a dog named Ronald Reagan, the Three Percenters of Idaho, homeowners' assocations dragged into court, Fox and Friends, "Larry Bird threatened to murder me in front of my family," "Bolsheviks have taken over the school board," and much, much more. Reported by Daniel Walters at The Inlander.
posted by escabeche (65 comments total)

“This is a man who changes the name of his dog from "Ronald Reagan" to "Clarence" during the holidays.”

How very confusing for the dog. Also, I already dislike this man. I'm only 3 lines into this piece.
posted by Fizz at 6:15 PM on December 1, 2018 [13 favorites]

Christ, what an asshole.
posted by Homo neanderthalensis at 6:23 PM on December 1, 2018 [45 favorites]

HOAs are Satan's scourge but this guy almost put me on their side.
posted by emjaybee at 6:26 PM on December 1, 2018 [28 favorites]

I suspect that everyone in this story is pretty terrible, except possibly Dolly, the elderly lady who Morris went after because she has three dogs and HOA rules say you can only have two. She might be ok. But everyone else is an asshole.

Evangelical Christians with a persecution complex, though, are a particular species of asshole.
posted by ArbitraryAndCapricious at 6:34 PM on December 1, 2018 [69 favorites]

This sounds like the setup for a cozy murder mystery.

“The little white dog is the one I want.” Jesus.
posted by Countess Elena at 6:54 PM on December 1, 2018 [5 favorites]

What doctrine demands 200,000 lights? It seems unscriptural.
posted by GenjiandProust at 6:58 PM on December 1, 2018 [9 favorites]

This sounds like the setup for a cozy murder mystery.

“The little white dog is the one I want.” Jesus.
posted by Countess Elena

What Would Cersei Lannister Do?
posted by Pistache at 7:07 PM on December 1, 2018 [3 favorites]

Lately I have been thinking about the reasons for Christmas. Growing up in the South it was just a gift exchange thing and an awkward family thing. There was that Jesus thing too but my family was agnostic. Now that I live in the North, with long dark winters, I can see its function: it tries to fight the many hardships of winter with colorful lights and reasons to bring people together and encourage those with much to share with those who have little, something very important when a cold night outside can mean death. I’ve slipped a few of Seattle’s beggars large bills around the holiday season, myself.

This guy? This guy makes me loathe Christmas and everything it stands for, all over again. Fuck him and fuck how Christianity co-opted the date of existing Winter Festivals by saying their prophet was born then so it’s all about him. I guess this guy is acting totally in that spirit, because this display sure sounds like it’s about his giant ego.
posted by egypturnash at 7:09 PM on December 1, 2018 [41 favorites]

Housing development covenants are there just to make neighbors hate each other, right? I remember my college girlfriend's neighborhood was torn apart by people suing each other over whose outbuilding was three feet too tall or counter-suing about whose lights in their backyard were too bright. Children stopped talking to each other on the bus. It was ugly and stupid for no reason.

But this guy's persecution complex dressed up as "a ministry" vs people who think "liberal Democrat" is some sort of swear word? Maybe they all deserve each other. Christ, what assholes.
posted by fifteen schnitzengruben is my limit at 7:25 PM on December 1, 2018 [14 favorites]

Still reading but was this the basketball Larry Bird?

"Larry Bird," he later tells a federal judge, "threatened to murder me in front of my family, threatened in explicit detail about things that could be done."
posted by bendy at 7:27 PM on December 1, 2018 [4 favorites]

To be fair, I too would be pissed off if my neighbor was blaring "Rocking Around the Christmas Tree" at the same decibel level as a vacuum cleaner. Or really at any decibel level, because I do not want to hear "Rocking Around the Christmas Tree" when I am relaxing at home.

We have reached the time of year when the local grocery store plays absolutely the worst Christmas music, and it makes me want to hit someone. I am seriously thinking about switching to an inferior grocery store until December 26th, just to avoid the terrible Christmas tunes. Why can't they just play old-school Christmas carols? What's wrong with Oh Come All Ye Faithful? I would really prefer not to be bombarded with Christmas music, but if you're going to do it, there is no reason to subject us to "Simply Having a Wonderful Christmastime." Really. None.

I am 100% certain this is not the basketball playing Larry Bird. Although it would be an even better story if it were.
posted by ArbitraryAndCapricious at 7:31 PM on December 1, 2018 [13 favorites]

"This woman, who thinks she can come after me in the way that she has, is in open violation of the rules!" Morris yells on the recording. "So the question is, what dog are we going to take? What dog are we taking from Dolly? ... The little white one is the one I want."

OK, that comment was funny.

I started RTMFA thinking I'd be on Morris' side but wow... no.
posted by bendy at 7:35 PM on December 1, 2018 [3 favorites]

A&C, usually I just hum the pennywhistle part of "Fairytale of New York" loud enough for people to avoid me.
posted by notsnot at 7:35 PM on December 1, 2018 [2 favorites]

So as not to abuse the edit window...

A person who is goes through that much effort to confirm with several groups that his Christmas show will OK with them before he even buys the home used to be a considerate person. For this guy it's clearly a path to litigation.

Christ, what an asshole.

Indeed.
posted by bendy at 7:41 PM on December 1, 2018 [4 favorites]

Ah, living in the far inland northwest, such an adventure! Hayden is a real piece of work, too. God bless that place.
posted by hippybear at 7:42 PM on December 1, 2018 [1 favorite]

This is like Hot Fuzz in the slowly unspooling seediness of the neighborhood/small town.

I don't know if it's JUST HOAs. We're currently living with my mother who has all manner of grudges against people in the neighborhood (which doesn't have an HOA) and regularly starts shit on Nextdoor (and apparently the feeling is mutual). It's like Game of Thrones only involves who leaves their garage door open and who parks too many cars in the street and it's kind of amusing how engrossed they all are in their little wars of passive aggression.
posted by Ghostride The Whip at 8:17 PM on December 1, 2018 [16 favorites]

I don't mind public Christmas decorations (at least the sane, tasteful variety), but I am so, so tempted to put a sign up on the office Christmas tree that says "Non-secular Holiday Tree" because I know how much it would piss off certain people.
posted by dephlogisticated at 8:19 PM on December 1, 2018 [7 favorites]

It’s fun to count the levels on which Joshua bar Miriam would not have comprehended this. The descendant of a distant milk-faced gentile tribe, living in a land that neither he nor that tribe had ever heard of, threatening to ruin his neighbors at law because they do not approve of the way he celebrates a winter light festival for his birthday? Which was in the spring? If he had had to confront this sort of thing at Gethsemane, who knows what would have happened.
posted by Countess Elena at 8:31 PM on December 1, 2018 [23 favorites]

I'm old school religious, and articles like this just reinforce my lack of understanding of these new vaguely Christian evangelical sects. At good old St Mark's we had a Nativity scene set up with animals, barn, shepherds, all the usual suspects. There'd be a small bit of barn-like lighting inside and a fair sized North Star (hanging just to the south of things because it was on the south side of the street and there was no place to hang anything northward but I digress.)

I can't claim to have looked through the Bible recently on this point, but I'm fairly certain a giant sleigh, candy canes (with a J for Jesus) and Brenda Lee played almost no role in the original version of this story. I don't want to misrepresent what the Christian faith stands for or anything, so let me take another look and get back to you.
posted by Cris E at 8:55 PM on December 1, 2018 [8 favorites]

Well that didn't take long.

About the only accurate thing was the camel. Balthazar's was actually named Dolly, but they didn't get there until Epiphany so I'm not sure how to score that. The rest is crap. (I did see where the book said Love Your Neighbor, but there were no lawyers, buses or D-Bags with colored teeth. Dude, grow up.)
posted by Cris E at 9:00 PM on December 1, 2018 [4 favorites]

I did a double take at Morris being 37 years old; I was picturing 65+ retirees with too much time on their hands.
posted by Ideal Impulse at 9:04 PM on December 1, 2018 [13 favorites]

It wasn't Larry Bird, it was his Aunt Tilda.
posted by elsietheeel at 9:15 PM on December 1, 2018 [1 favorite]

I am so, so tempted to put a sign up on the office Christmas tree that says "Non-secular Holiday Tree" because I know how much it would piss off certain people.

I apparently don’t fit most people’s mental image of a Not Christian Person, so when the holiday season rolls around I get to hear a lot of What Christians Really Think of nominally secular holiday decorations, presented to me with the bold faced expectation that I will obviously agree with them.

So you still get to have Winter themed decorations and a 7 foot evergreen tree with ornaments and fake presents underneath in your Public Building workplace? But you’re outraged because there’s no Angel tree-topper? Oooooookaaaaaay....
posted by Secret Sparrow at 9:21 PM on December 1, 2018 [5 favorites]

Someone poking their thumb in an HOA's eye: YAY!
By doing something dumb and basically harmless: YAY!
Because he thinks God wants him to: Uhhhhh
And now he's suing everyone because they're all antichristian: (╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻
posted by GCU Sweet and Full of Grace at 9:22 PM on December 1, 2018 [27 favorites]

If I ever live somewhere suburban and under an HOA (HIGHLY DOUBTFUL) I'm fucking building a fucking Hannukiah the size of the fucking house and lighting it up for 8 nights with blue icicle lights decking the entire house. And when people (rightfully) complain I'll cite this asshole. MAN this guy makes me upset.
posted by Homo neanderthalensis at 9:39 PM on December 1, 2018 [18 favorites]

Seems like he never got over the bullies in school and wanted to find more to beat, even if he had to make them from his own bullying.
posted by DyRE at 9:40 PM on December 1, 2018 [4 favorites]

I feel like maybe the Athenians had a point, with the whole Ostracism thing. This guy is Exhibit B in why we as a civilization need to think about reintroducing Ostracism.
posted by aramaic at 10:08 PM on December 1, 2018 [9 favorites]

I was part of an HOA until a few years ago and the rule that stood out the most to me was that no flags could be displayed on your balcony except American flags. This was in the California Bay Area where the aggregate population is not generally from the US.
posted by bendy at 10:26 PM on December 1, 2018 [3 favorites]

Nominally Christian or not, this guy sounds unhinged. I don't like HOA's either (and specifically avoid them when I go to buy a house) but the real evil person in this story to me is definitely him. And I mean that word, evil. Let's take her little dog away? An asshole indeed.
posted by Rufous-headed Towhee heehee at 11:05 PM on December 1, 2018 [4 favorites]

Halfway through the article comes the pièce de résistance,

For Morris, it's bittersweet. His wife isn't there: With all the threats and media attention, she chose to stay at her mom's house in Virginia rather than attend the Christmas Light Show.

Yeah, I have a feeling that ain't it, bud
posted by standardasparagus at 12:32 AM on December 2, 2018 [42 favorites]

It's not exactly unusual for homeowners associations to nitpick about Christmas decorations. In the last three years alone, news stories have cropped up about HOAs clashing with homeowners over their decorations in Alabama, Nevada, Indiana, Florida, California, Arizona, Washington state, Pennsylvania and Missouri.

So HOAs are the new front in the War on Christmas? Maybe it will become a war of attrition and the HOAs and Christians with a persecution fetish will grind each other into oblivion.
posted by TedW at 1:07 AM on December 2, 2018 [7 favorites]

His rant about "Bolsheviks have taken over the school board" is on Facebook and it's a thing to see. He's a two-bit, racist, evangelical version of Saul Goodman.
posted by peeedro at 1:10 AM on December 2, 2018 [4 favorites]

- this guy is fucking deranged

- pretty much everyone in this story sounds fucking deranged actually

- someone needs to alert the christmas ruiner to the time honored catalan holiday tradition of el caganer

- they should demonstrate this ancient and church-sanctioned tradition by taking a big monstrous shit on his lawn and then suing for infringement of their religious freedom if they get arrested
posted by poffin boffin at 2:34 AM on December 2, 2018 [25 favorites]

Don’t forget the toxic masculinity!

But Regan explained to Morris that he needed to do this as a man. He says if he didn't, he'd question himself for the rest of his life.

Launch him into the sun. Maybe on a sleigh.
posted by cheapskatebay at 4:24 AM on December 2, 2018 [7 favorites]

“This is a man who changes the name of his dog from "Ronald Reagan" to "Clarence" during the holidays.”

Is your dog Ronald Reagan?
Nah, mine's Clarence.
posted by chavenet at 5:24 AM on December 2, 2018 [18 favorites]

People this deranged who are also lawyers should be considered terrorists.
posted by 41swans at 5:36 AM on December 2, 2018 [2 favorites]

this guy is fucking deranged

if he was much more northern, he'd be canadian - and yet, here he is, defending the confederacy
posted by pyramid termite at 5:46 AM on December 2, 2018 [2 favorites]

His Confederacy defense angle was new to me, defending the honor of the United Daughters of the Confederacy because those fine women can't be racist. I wondered for a sec if we're going to see a wave of neo-confederate men putting up memorials to the UDC next to their Lees and Jacksons, but, nah, misogyny will prevent that from ever happening.
posted by peeedro at 5:59 AM on December 2, 2018 [1 favorite]

To be fair, I too would be pissed off if my neighbor was blaring "Rocking Around the Christmas Tree" at the same decibel level as a vacuum cleaner. Or really at any decibel level, because I do not want to hear "Rocking Around the Christmas Tree" when I am relaxing at home.

Or like ever. Last night I went to see the zoo lights at Lincoln Park Zoo here in Chicago. It was perfect timing - a miserable rainy day, early in the season and completely unseasonal - so there were hardly any people there compared to the usual local car and pedestrian traffic nightmare that it is. I kinda like the lights however for me mostly it is nice evening walk but my wife really likes it. The one thing we both hate is the central light show that they do with Christmas jingle samples blaring. It makes me feel sorry for the animals and staff who have to hear it for hours on end. It makes me miserable in a couple of minutes.

So this year we get to it and there are new cool LED lights and fancier animations...and then I notice the music isn't annoying me. It was Deck The Halls - Mannheim Steamroller. It was absolutely perfect for an LED light showcase. I was like a Hackers Christmas special.

Just a little variety and openness can make a huge difference in how people experience things.
posted by srboisvert at 6:34 AM on December 2, 2018 [3 favorites]

Isn't the solution for his neighbors to do a gigantic Baphomet-themed light display in, say, October?
posted by slkinsey at 6:39 AM on December 2, 2018 [5 favorites]

Does anyone else have to look up which ones are the 1%ers and which ones are the 3%ers and which ones are the 5%ers every time one of them comes up?
posted by nebulawindphone at 6:40 AM on December 2, 2018 [1 favorite]

What Does The Bible Say About Suing Someone?

"And if anyone would sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well."

"To have lawsuits at all with one another is already a defeat for you. Why not rather suffer wrong? Why not rather be defrauded?"

"And if they mocketh thy Christmas lights display, sueth ye the old lady next door for having three dogs instead of two."
posted by clawsoon at 6:54 AM on December 2, 2018 [14 favorites]

It says something about this guy that he feels the need to inflict this on his neighbors. Like, not done at a community center away from people's houses. Not done *with* his neighbors. Just, all about what he wants, where he wants to, and hides behind "his religion."

What an asshole.
posted by explosion at 7:21 AM on December 2, 2018 [10 favorites]

I need to know more about his horseback voting registration campaign.
posted by tofu_crouton at 7:40 AM on December 2, 2018 [1 favorite]

There's no one admirable in this story. Except maybe that little dog.

It seems like the real problem is that the HOA has poorly written rules and didn't actually enforce them regularly. They have a rule against outdoor lights? Of course they're not going to enforce that with regard to Christmas lights, but then they don't have justification for saying his lights are a problem.
posted by meese at 8:05 AM on December 2, 2018

It seems like the real problem is that the HOA has poorly written rules and didn't actually enforce them regularly. They have a rule against outdoor lights? Of course they're not going to enforce that with regard to Christmas lights, but then they don't have justification for saying his lights are a problem.

You simply can't defend against this kind of rules lawyering unless you are willing to imprison yourself as a defensive measure.
posted by srboisvert at 8:07 AM on December 2, 2018 [3 favorites]

I find it deeply weird that Western cultural progress means we have gone the full 180° from suppressing the Pagan celebrations and symbols to vociferously arguing that the “godless heathens” cannot stand the clear Christian symbology of a holiday tree.

I mean what the fuck. I’m a godless heathen and so are my wife and kid, and we celebrate that each December with lights and a tree and presents because this holiday devoted to consumerism is about as secular as you can get these days, and I’d argue for a significant portion of the US population “Christmas” really has fuck-all to do with Christ. Hence the “war on Christmas” - it’s not about Atheists and Democrats and Liberals suppressing the holiday, it’s conservatives wailing that the popularity of giving gifts and silly traditions is more fun to more people than the religious movement that originally coopted the pagan holiday trappings and spread the idea in the first place. Like so many other things, with Xmas, the conservative right just fears and fights their increasing irrelevance.

Why is it, I wonder, that the people most loudly voicing their love for Jesus are usually the people Jesus would be most disappointed in?
posted by caution live frogs at 8:24 AM on December 2, 2018 [13 favorites]

Oh yeah, Northern Idaho. Fellow Pacific Northwesterners with long memories will recall that Hayden Lake is where Richard Butler set up an Aryan Nations compound in the 80s, with an aim towards it being a glorious all-white, all-Christian homeland. Gorgeous country, shitty people.
posted by lovecrafty at 8:54 AM on December 2, 2018 [2 favorites]

... Honestly, if I was living in this neighborhood, I'd be tempted to set up a Satanic Temple yard out of sheer orneriness. If that dude's got the right to be blasting music and ridiculous lights from his house at all times for religious reasons, I have the right to ask the Temple to borrow the Baphomet display and maybe make a big sign with my religious beliefs, like "one's own body is inviolable" and "one should strive to act with compassion" and "people are fallible," ideally with a big ol' pentagram decked out with big glowy lights.

Harumph.
posted by sciatrix at 9:11 AM on December 2, 2018 [7 favorites]

FTA: But finally, in October — after he finishes putting up his Christmas lights

I mean, that right there is proof this guy's a tool. . . . .
posted by soundguy99 at 9:37 AM on December 2, 2018 [3 favorites]

His law degree is from Liberty U. Go fucking figure.
posted by notsnot at 9:59 AM on December 2, 2018 [4 favorites]

as a Snake Person whose personal finances run true to the millennial norms, i can't even begin get over my initial incredulity that the people involved in this drama are, apparently, competent and stable enough to have acquired and to hold down jobs that evidently pay them enough not just to live in houses but to own them and also to afford that kind of electric bill let alone whatever a lawsuit (or lawsuits, plural) might cost ALL WHILE HAVING THE FREE TIME AND ENERGY to yell about The True Meaning Of Christmas and/or "WalMart riff-raff"

i just

it passeth my poor understanding

how

H O W
posted by halation at 10:10 AM on December 2, 2018 [30 favorites]

But finally, in October — after he finishes putting up his Christmas lights

This is just in line with Christianity's War on Thanksgiving.
posted by AlSweigart at 10:31 AM on December 2, 2018 [7 favorites]

I live in a New York City coop which is ground zero for social dysfunction and rules making and even I cannot conceive of this level of crazy.
posted by deanc at 12:34 PM on December 2, 2018 [3 favorites]

One of my "favorite" things about this:

Asshole: Hey, I wanna put up a shit-ton of christmas lights and get camels and all that shit. Before I buy this house, will this be a problem?

HOA: Yeah, that'll be a problem.

Asshole: FUCK YOU I'M SUING


And then you get the "wonderfully" classist letter from the HOA. It's like all parties should just be shot into the sun, but the HOA should have a slightly more comfortable trip, since they're basically in the right here, except for, you know, being assholes too.
posted by Rev. Syung Myung Me at 3:04 PM on December 2, 2018 [3 favorites]

The idea of naming your dog after a figure that you respect is weird to me. Like, I think Ronald Reagan is a pretty funny name for a dog, but absolutely not because I think he was a good guy.
posted by ITheCosmos at 3:30 PM on December 2, 2018 [2 favorites]

Thought article would have at least something to do with the Boston Celtics, was disappointed
posted by 4ster at 5:17 PM on December 2, 2018 [1 favorite]

Hayden's not far from Hayden Lake, site of neo-Nazi Richard Butler's infamous Aryan Nations compound in the 80s and 90s until it was sued out of existence.

Butler was Pastor of his own little Christian Identity congregation there, and as the FPP article mentions, local Christianity retains more than an overtone of White Supremacy and white separatism.

I'm surprised the author of the piece didn't ask Morris where he stood on all that -- and it's by no means mere past history -- or look into the backgrounds of his Christian supporters.
posted by jamjam at 6:19 PM on December 2, 2018 [1 favorite]

Like, I think Ronald Reagan is a pretty funny name for a dog, but absolutely not because I think he was a good guy.

like "ronald reagan you stop eating out of the litter box THIS INSTANT!" or "ronald reagan if you can't stop licking your nuts under the dinner table then you will have to GO OUTSIDE"
posted by poffin boffin at 6:53 PM on December 2, 2018 [16 favorites]

I'm surprised the author of the piece didn't ask Morris where he stood on all that -- and it's by no means mere past history -- or look into the backgrounds of his Christian supporters.

He sort of did in his followup article.
posted by escabeche at 7:07 PM on December 2, 2018 [3 favorites]

That guy is married.
posted by amanda at 8:38 AM on December 3, 2018

No one in this story is Christ-like.
posted by Gwynarra at 10:36 AM on December 3, 2018

I'm loving this story. It's rare I'm on the side of some rich, Christian asshole, but when I do it's because their antagonist is a neighborhood gestapo that says some shit like "it also frets that the show could fill the neighborhood with "hundreds of people and possible undesirables." Oooohooo boy, that gets me thirsty for jimmy rustlin' blood.

"(An earlier draft of the letter that Morris obtained as part of legal discovery is even meaner, warning about the "riff-raff" Morris "seemed to attract over by WalMart" and concluding with the phrase, "we don't allow 'those kind' in our neighborhood.")"

That's just more fuel for this fire. Unfortunately, it's also really easy to hate the "protagonists" here. Their religion sucks, their evangelical background is patently evil, and their celebration does sound annoying. Still, seems they are in the right nd for the purposes of enjoying this tale I'll have to set aside some of my hate for them until the end. Thanks for sharing this article!

edit: Okay, I spoke way too soon. I cannot suspend my beliefs and morals for the purposes of enjoying this tale. It is now firmly an aliens vs predators situation and I want them both to die so some third thing can win.
posted by GoblinHoney at 3:55 PM on December 3, 2018 [4 favorites]

What always gets me in this kind of situation is that it could be worked out amicably so easily if people were willing. If he'd approached the HOA differently, if they'd been open to it but with some restrictions, which they would then have negotiated, etc. And then instead of this article we'd get the heartwarming story of this neighborhood that comes together every year to do this big holiday light show for charity. The woman's three dogs would be dressed as reindeer. Neighbors would be directing traffic. The "light your house" trend would have spread, in quieter ways, through the neighborhood. Shuttle vans would be merrily going back and forth, bringing a steady but not overwhelming stream of visitors during the appointed times. Etc.
posted by Orlop at 5:34 PM on December 3, 2018 [2 favorites]

Orlop: What always gets me in this kind of situation is that it could be worked out amicably so easily if people were willing.

Agreed. It could be a lovely event.

I get the impression that martyrdom is an important part of his faith; if he's not being condemned by someone, it means that he's not serving God hard enough. We can partly blame Jesus for this one:

"Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me."

"You will be hated by everyone because of me, but the one who stands firm to the end will be saved."

If he can generate hatred against himself and tie it somehow to Jesus, that means he's going to heaven for sure.
posted by clawsoon at 2:30 PM on December 4, 2018 [1 favorite]