People are emailing trees

December 11, 2018 12:56 PM

Melbourne City Council gave 70,000 trees an email address so that people could report on the health of the trees. But they have now received over 4,000 emails to the trees, including 'love letters, existential queries and sometimes just bad puns'.
posted by AnnaRat (28 comments total)

I think that I shall never see
A poem lovely as a tree.

A tree whose hungry mouth is prest
Against the earth’s sweet flowing breast;

A tree that looks at God all day,
And lifts her leafy arms to pray;

A tree that may in Summer wear
A nest of robins in her hair;

Upon whose bosom snow has lain;
Who intimately lives with rain.

Poems are made by fools like me,
But only God can make a tree.
posted by leotrotsky at 12:57 PM on December 11, 2018 [10 favorites]

This is very very sweet and I love it, thank you.
posted by ITheCosmos at 1:08 PM on December 11, 2018 [3 favorites]

People can be good. People can be open to beauty. We need more of these people, more of this goodness.
posted by Capt. Renault at 1:13 PM on December 11, 2018 [4 favorites]

I think that I shall never see
A poem An email lovely as a tree.

FTFY
posted by Greg_Ace at 1:14 PM on December 11, 2018 [6 favorites]

Tree-viously.
posted by merriment at 1:16 PM on December 11, 2018 [12 favorites]

dear tree I have come with a mission
an urgent business proposition

I am prince doctor jones dimika
petroleum minister for nigeria

I hope you do not think me rash
for I have 30 million cash

and I must soon place this amount
into your aussie bank account

I am seeking your assistance
and will provide large remittance

If you now give your permission
Twelve percent is your commission

Of this now I must entreat
to please acknowledge your receipt
posted by leotrotsky at 1:29 PM on December 11, 2018 [50 favorites]

That's a nice story. (Trees probably are fans of ebooks as well, since the pages aren't made of wood pulp.)
posted by LeLiLo at 1:30 PM on December 11, 2018 [1 favorite]

This is amazing - Trees are so valuable as themselves, as spaces - wonderful to see a council of all things helping people love the city trees.

Interesting the council is so fully at the back of this.
posted by unearthed at 1:30 PM on December 11, 2018 [1 favorite]

This desperately needs to be turned into a tinder clone. I propose:

Timbr - when you need to find a good root.
posted by inflatablekiwi at 1:37 PM on December 11, 2018 [15 favorites]

This is great.

Well, except for the puns. Anyone who emails a pun to a tree ought to be chained to it for a week.
posted by eotvos at 1:45 PM on December 11, 2018

Leaf them alone, eotvos, I'm sure they'll branch out into other types of humor when they get alder.
posted by leotrotsky at 1:52 PM on December 11, 2018 [43 favorites]

I recognize most of the trees in the link! I've taken some photos of the nicer ones in passing.

Many of the more unique trees were planted in Flagstaff Gardens. This is a Moreton Bay Fig and it's a rather impressive native tree that produces figs all year round even through winter, making it a big draw for birds and also possums, I suspect. This tree is curious for having obligate mutualism with fig wasps; figs are only pollinated by fig wasps, and fig wasps can only reproduce in fig flowers. It's a strangler fig that starts growing on another tree, then strangles it to death and eventually becomes a freestanding tree on its own.

This here is the Gingko tree at the Flagstaff Garden's caretakers house - this tree is native to China and is a living fossil. Living fossils are species that have no existing close relatives - the implication is they alone survived an extinction event hundreds of millions of years ago while their peers did not, wiping out the diversity in their taxon. Supposedly, the Gingko trees within 1-2km of the atomic bomb explosion in Hiroshima were the only surviving living things after the blast and they are still alive today.

Here's a Canary Island Pine - it's native to the Canary Islands and was brought into the park. There are English Elms brought across by the early colonists. My favourite park bench under the elms in autumn.
posted by xdvesper at 2:07 PM on December 11, 2018 [21 favorites]

Trees don't know enough not to answer genital-enlargement spam emails. This is going to leave us dealing with an oak tree with a nine-foot penis.
posted by delfin at 2:11 PM on December 11, 2018 [6 favorites]

What the fuck why am I crying about emails that people wrote to trees. This is the sweetest thing.
posted by sunset in snow country at 2:21 PM on December 11, 2018 [16 favorites]

More twee than tree, mostly.
posted by Segundus at 2:25 PM on December 11, 2018 [1 favorite]

leotrotsky is on fire tonight. (Allowing for the Joyce Kilmer copypasta).
posted by Leon at 2:26 PM on December 11, 2018 [1 favorite]

I wonder what kind of emails and tweets the trees would write?

I WISH I COULD PEE ON DOGS AND SEE HOW THEY FEEL ABOUT BEING AN URINAL DESGUSTEN

WTF A HÖMAN JUST TOOK A DUMP ON ME. 2ND TIME TODAY!!! WHEN IT RAIN???

ANOTHER DAY ANOTHER COUPLE CARVING THEIR INITIALS INTO MY SKIN. IT FUCKING HURTS YOU MONSTERS

LADIES, EMBRACING AUTUMN PATTERN BALDNESS MAKES SPRING THAT MUCH MORE ENJOYABLE

LIKE IF ITS ZERO DEGREES AND UR BUTTNAKED CUZ YOU AINT A WEAK HÖMAN

SOMETIMES I BREAK MY OWN BRANCHES JUST TO WATCH LITTLE HÖMANS FALL, BREAK & CRY. PAIN WORTH IT #SORRYNOTSORRY

BIRD NEST VACANCY! MUST BRING OWN NEST. NO SHITTING OR ABANDONING OFFSPRING ALLOWED.

HARD-WORKING SQUIRREL? I AM PERFECT HABITAT 4 U DIS WINTER. MUST LIKE NESTING BIRDS AND (NICE) CAT.

BARELY SURVIVED LAST WEEKS CAR CRASH. PLS DONATE 2 GOFUNDME

MISSING BLACK CAT: LUNA. MUCH LOVED, VERY MISSED

THERE IS AN EAGLE INSIDE ME WHATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

I WEAR MY COCONUTS WITH PRIDE MOTHERFUCKERS

IF YOU RANDOMLY HUG TREES YOU ARE A SICK PERVERT

DEAR HIPSTER DOING YOGA: UR FORM SUCKS. HAVE THIS BRANCH

LUNA FOUND!!!

posted by Foci for Analysis at 2:33 PM on December 11, 2018 [25 favorites]

good, people are finally taking Pulp's advice
posted by prize bull octorok at 2:51 PM on December 11, 2018 [2 favorites]

Humans are adorable sometimes. Yes, sometimes they are face-eating monsters, but they are also adorable sometimes.
posted by duffell at 3:12 PM on December 11, 2018 [4 favorites]

IF YOU ARE LEAVING PEE OR POOP:
DILUTE! DILUTE! OK!

posted by clew at 3:16 PM on December 11, 2018 [4 favorites]

I wish I could write to this tree, but it's south of Melbourne City in South Yarra, so it doesn't have an address. Back in the early 90's I walked under it every day for years and just said I love you with my eyes every time I passed by. That's all my letter would say: Dearest Tree, I love you, buzzv.
posted by buzzv at 3:50 PM on December 11, 2018 [10 favorites]

"Are the Entwives in Australia?"
posted by King Sky Prawn at 3:57 PM on December 11, 2018 [5 favorites]

"I talk to the trees... but they don't listen to me."
posted by jenfullmoon at 7:07 PM on December 11, 2018

At least 66,000 Trees have never gotten an email :(
posted by ethansr at 7:25 PM on December 11, 2018 [4 favorites]

I talk to the trees .... that's why they put me away.
posted by "mad dan" eccles at 8:38 PM on December 11, 2018 [4 favorites]

"Every man loves the tree that gives him shelter."
posted by Jane the Brown at 10:34 PM on December 11, 2018 [1 favorite]

I fucking love this city.

MeFites, you should all visit.
posted by prismatic7 at 1:37 AM on December 12, 2018 [1 favorite]

This is what it would be like if you could send an email to an Ent.
posted by Fizz at 6:02 AM on December 12, 2018