as always: objects are sorted by orifice, working south
December 25, 2018 1:35 PM Subscribe
It’s here! It’s finally here! Every year it seems like the big day will never come, but it’s here. It’s the day to gather with your family and friends ‘round the hearth, warm beverages and sweet treats at the ready, and have a hearty chortle over the things America stuck inside itself and couldn’t remove without the help of trained medical personnel.
I feel so much better about my life choices
posted by doornoise at 1:48 PM on December 25, 2018 [26 favorites]
posted by doornoise at 1:48 PM on December 25, 2018 [26 favorites]
I made many interesting facial expressions while reading this.
posted by trillian at 1:55 PM on December 25, 2018 [7 favorites]
posted by trillian at 1:55 PM on December 25, 2018 [7 favorites]
WHY IS ANYONE PUTTING BLEACH INTO ANY ORIFICES AT ALL
posted by Scattercat at 1:56 PM on December 25, 2018 [9 favorites]
posted by Scattercat at 1:56 PM on December 25, 2018 [9 favorites]
why why why would anyone insert anything into their penis
posted by The Card Cheat at 2:00 PM on December 25, 2018 [5 favorites]
posted by The Card Cheat at 2:00 PM on December 25, 2018 [5 favorites]
Ow.
posted by bouvin at 2:06 PM on December 25, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by bouvin at 2:06 PM on December 25, 2018 [1 favorite]
Sure, judge away, but how many of us can say we've never fallen down, jumped, or sat down only to have some household object go right up inside us?
posted by Aya Hirano on the Astral Plane at 2:10 PM on December 25, 2018 [22 favorites]
posted by Aya Hirano on the Astral Plane at 2:10 PM on December 25, 2018 [22 favorites]
It's the most wonderful time of the year!
And who among us has not sneezed out computer keys? I once sneezed out an intact Model M.
BTW, don't use paraffin or wax as an improvised penetrative toy. It melts and can change shape.
posted by loquacious at 2:13 PM on December 25, 2018 [6 favorites]
And who among us has not sneezed out computer keys? I once sneezed out an intact Model M.
BTW, don't use paraffin or wax as an improvised penetrative toy. It melts and can change shape.
posted by loquacious at 2:13 PM on December 25, 2018 [6 favorites]
”It was a million-to-one shot, doc.” (YouTube)
posted by young_simba at 2:15 PM on December 25, 2018 [7 favorites]
posted by young_simba at 2:15 PM on December 25, 2018 [7 favorites]
Call me when it's a shiv.
posted by elsietheeel at 2:16 PM on December 25, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by elsietheeel at 2:16 PM on December 25, 2018 [1 favorite]
“JUMPED ON BED - TOOTHBRUSH WAS ON BED AND WENT UP PATIENT’S RECTUM”
Toothbrush in rectum, whatevs. But toothbrush on the bed? Eww. They probably had their shoes on, too.
posted by Dip Flash at 2:16 PM on December 25, 2018 [16 favorites]
Toothbrush in rectum, whatevs. But toothbrush on the bed? Eww. They probably had their shoes on, too.
posted by Dip Flash at 2:16 PM on December 25, 2018 [16 favorites]
Actually no, don't call me. I hear enough about it at work.
posted by elsietheeel at 2:16 PM on December 25, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by elsietheeel at 2:16 PM on December 25, 2018 [4 favorites]
Yeah, I like how most of the nonbutt ones are like "Yeah, uh, I did this stupid thing on purpose" and the butt ones keep being like "I was taking my grandmother to church and I slipped on the ice and now through no fault of my own I have an entire open umbrella inside my rectum."
posted by nebulawindphone at 2:21 PM on December 25, 2018 [88 favorites]
posted by nebulawindphone at 2:21 PM on December 25, 2018 [88 favorites]
why why why would anyone insert anything into their penis
Apparently some people are into that. (It's called "sounding", for those of you who aren't already aware--and congratulations on your new unwanted knowledge.)
Even if that sort of thing is your bag, and far be it from me to yuck someone else's yum, broken plastic hangers are very much not on the list of acceptable objects for that kind of activity.
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 2:24 PM on December 25, 2018 [20 favorites]
Apparently some people are into that. (It's called "sounding", for those of you who aren't already aware--and congratulations on your new unwanted knowledge.)
Even if that sort of thing is your bag, and far be it from me to yuck someone else's yum, broken plastic hangers are very much not on the list of acceptable objects for that kind of activity.
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 2:24 PM on December 25, 2018 [20 favorites]
SOMEONE USED A DOMINO, FOR GOD'S SAKE. A DOMINO.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 2:29 PM on December 25, 2018 [16 favorites]
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 2:29 PM on December 25, 2018 [16 favorites]
I AM A PENIS-HAVER AND HOW DOES THAT EVEN WORK
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 2:30 PM on December 25, 2018 [21 favorites]
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 2:30 PM on December 25, 2018 [21 favorites]
Some of these leave me with questions I have desire to actually have answers to.
I guess, you do you there, everyone.
posted by darksong at 2:31 PM on December 25, 2018 [2 favorites]
I guess, you do you there, everyone.
posted by darksong at 2:31 PM on December 25, 2018 [2 favorites]
It was my fault for clicking.... I'd have preferred to get through 2018 without picturing fingernail clippings stuck in someone's penis.
posted by bonobothegreat at 2:32 PM on December 25, 2018 [8 favorites]
posted by bonobothegreat at 2:32 PM on December 25, 2018 [8 favorites]
I AM A PENIS-HAVER AND HOW DOES THAT EVEN WORK
Actual answer, it's like gauging a piercing — some of our bepenised siblings have stretched their urethras with time and patience. If you're going to do this, it is beneficial to do it using something that doesn't have corners, but to each their own.
posted by nebulawindphone at 2:35 PM on December 25, 2018 [10 favorites]
Actual answer, it's like gauging a piercing — some of our bepenised siblings have stretched their urethras with time and patience. If you're going to do this, it is beneficial to do it using something that doesn't have corners, but to each their own.
posted by nebulawindphone at 2:35 PM on December 25, 2018 [10 favorites]
THANKS, I HATE IT
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 2:39 PM on December 25, 2018 [53 favorites]
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 2:39 PM on December 25, 2018 [53 favorites]
This one is kind of cute at least: “POPCORN KERNELS IN BOTH EARS, ‘FEEDS HER EARS BECAUSE HER EARS ARE HUNGRY’”
posted by batter_my_heart at 2:42 PM on December 25, 2018 [48 favorites]
posted by batter_my_heart at 2:42 PM on December 25, 2018 [48 favorites]
I'm having a crap non-Christmas (see "Fucking Fuck" thread for why) but just reading these comments alone are perking it up mightily.
posted by jenfullmoon at 2:42 PM on December 25, 2018 [5 favorites]
posted by jenfullmoon at 2:42 PM on December 25, 2018 [5 favorites]
why why why would anyone insert anything into their penis
I got hit by a car and while in a coma, somebody did that to me!
Thank god, I was in a coma when they did that...
posted by njohnson23 at 2:46 PM on December 25, 2018 [2 favorites]
I got hit by a car and while in a coma, somebody did that to me!
Thank god, I was in a coma when they did that...
posted by njohnson23 at 2:46 PM on December 25, 2018 [2 favorites]
...damn near killed him!
posted by JohnFromGR at 2:49 PM on December 25, 2018 [10 favorites]
posted by JohnFromGR at 2:49 PM on December 25, 2018 [10 favorites]
This... feels like burying the lede. Just a hair.
That was probably not the feeling.
posted by srboisvert at 2:52 PM on December 25, 2018 [9 favorites]
That was probably not the feeling.
posted by srboisvert at 2:52 PM on December 25, 2018 [9 favorites]
There was some stand-up comic recently, don’t recall which, who was working with the crowd, and a woman said she was a nurse.
“Every nurse ... EVERY nurse ... has a story. What’s the weirdest thing you pulled out of someone’s butt?”
“Broomstick.”
Bang. Zero hesitation, zero time spent trying to think of her answer.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 2:54 PM on December 25, 2018 [17 favorites]
“Every nurse ... EVERY nurse ... has a story. What’s the weirdest thing you pulled out of someone’s butt?”
“Broomstick.”
Bang. Zero hesitation, zero time spent trying to think of her answer.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 2:54 PM on December 25, 2018 [17 favorites]
I wonder at what point in the eight months you're "this is my life now, I guess".
posted by maxwelton at 2:54 PM on December 25, 2018 [21 favorites]
posted by maxwelton at 2:54 PM on December 25, 2018 [21 favorites]
Day 3.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 2:56 PM on December 25, 2018 [6 favorites]
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 2:56 PM on December 25, 2018 [6 favorites]
What I really want to know is if the person who wedged a domino into his penis (...??) and the person with one in their vagina were together.
And who had the higher score if so.
posted by restless_nomad at 2:58 PM on December 25, 2018 [62 favorites]
And who had the higher score if so.
posted by restless_nomad at 2:58 PM on December 25, 2018 [62 favorites]
Did the lady (VAGINAL ITEMS #1) return the toy to the small child? It seems sort of mean if she didn't, but maybe it was tainted.
posted by Joe in Australia at 3:07 PM on December 25, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by Joe in Australia at 3:07 PM on December 25, 2018 [3 favorites]
That domino got around.
posted by doctornemo at 3:11 PM on December 25, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by doctornemo at 3:11 PM on December 25, 2018 [4 favorites]
I mean is it really even a game of dominoes if you don't get pieces stuck in weird places?
posted by loquacious at 3:13 PM on December 25, 2018 [8 favorites]
posted by loquacious at 3:13 PM on December 25, 2018 [8 favorites]
Hello, put nothing without a flared base into your orifices, thank you.
posted by Pope Guilty at 3:19 PM on December 25, 2018 [10 favorites]
posted by Pope Guilty at 3:19 PM on December 25, 2018 [10 favorites]
I used to play flared bass for Medical Intervention
posted by cortex at 3:21 PM on December 25, 2018 [81 favorites]
posted by cortex at 3:21 PM on December 25, 2018 [81 favorites]
Way back in 1985? Ish? I totally alienated my two vocally-proud-to-be-virgins college roommates by falling over laughing at a News of the Weird column cataloging objects stuck in rectums a la this post and then when asked what was so funny reading said column aloud. Awkward.
posted by HotToddy at 3:21 PM on December 25, 2018 [10 favorites]
posted by HotToddy at 3:21 PM on December 25, 2018 [10 favorites]
My mother is a nurse... her Things in Orifices winner was a group of three men attached to one vacuum-cleaner who brought themselves in in a stickshift car. Impressive coöperation.
posted by clew at 3:51 PM on December 25, 2018 [92 favorites]
posted by clew at 3:51 PM on December 25, 2018 [92 favorites]
a group of three men attached to one vacuum-cleaner who brought themselves in in a stickshift car. Impressive coöperation.
This feels like the 2019 reboot of three men and a baby we deserve
posted by schadenfrau at 3:54 PM on December 25, 2018 [69 favorites]
This feels like the 2019 reboot of three men and a baby we deserve
posted by schadenfrau at 3:54 PM on December 25, 2018 [69 favorites]
i like that somebody had string up their butt, but it was not *just* string, it was a SIGNIFICANT AMOUNT OF STRING.
i mean if you ask me, almost any amount of string in the butt is significant -- i mean, if you were like, hey two unicycles, you have string in your butt, i would be like oh! and i would probably attach at least some level of significance to that information -- but tbh i am not sure what objective standards for significance are like vis a vis butt string and the relative volume thereof
posted by Two unicycles and some duct tape at 4:03 PM on December 25, 2018 [22 favorites]
i mean if you ask me, almost any amount of string in the butt is significant -- i mean, if you were like, hey two unicycles, you have string in your butt, i would be like oh! and i would probably attach at least some level of significance to that information -- but tbh i am not sure what objective standards for significance are like vis a vis butt string and the relative volume thereof
posted by Two unicycles and some duct tape at 4:03 PM on December 25, 2018 [22 favorites]
I suspect it's for the best my inclinations aren't in line with the explorations mentioned in the article...my entry would read something like:
* [initial object]
* Small needlenose pliers
* Small flashlight
* Medium needlenose pliers
* Mirror on a stick
* Extended needle-nose pliers
* Magnet on a stick
* Stick with wad of masking tape on one end, sticky-side out
* Shop-vac nozzle
* Indeterminate length of shop-vac hose
* 1 quart of 10W/30 (not in container)
* GoPro camera
* Spare battery for GoPro (not installed)
Always lock your workshop if you're going to fiddle around.
posted by maxwelton at 4:05 PM on December 25, 2018 [32 favorites]
* [initial object]
* Small needlenose pliers
* Small flashlight
* Medium needlenose pliers
* Mirror on a stick
* Extended needle-nose pliers
* Magnet on a stick
* Stick with wad of masking tape on one end, sticky-side out
* Shop-vac nozzle
* Indeterminate length of shop-vac hose
* 1 quart of 10W/30 (not in container)
* GoPro camera
* Spare battery for GoPro (not installed)
Always lock your workshop if you're going to fiddle around.
posted by maxwelton at 4:05 PM on December 25, 2018 [32 favorites]
THROAT LOZENGE STILL IN BLISTER PACK
SMALL TRANSISTOR RADIO
Well, that escalated quickly.
posted by chavenet at 4:18 PM on December 25, 2018 [15 favorites]
SMALL TRANSISTOR RADIO
Well, that escalated quickly.
posted by chavenet at 4:18 PM on December 25, 2018 [15 favorites]
maybe it was tainted
I saw what you did there.
posted by datawrangler at 4:19 PM on December 25, 2018 [20 favorites]
I saw what you did there.
posted by datawrangler at 4:19 PM on December 25, 2018 [20 favorites]
why why why would anyone insert anything into their penis
There's a hole in it and it goes somewhere.
posted by Going To Maine at 4:25 PM on December 25, 2018 [31 favorites]
There's a hole in it and it goes somewhere.
posted by Going To Maine at 4:25 PM on December 25, 2018 [31 favorites]
got hit by a car and while in a coma, somebody did that to me!
Thank god, I was in a coma when they did that...
I was awake when I had it done to me and it’s just as unpleasant as you’d imagine it is.
So I guess that’s my Christmas message to Metafilter.
posted by bondcliff at 4:27 PM on December 25, 2018 [4 favorites]
Thank god, I was in a coma when they did that...
I was awake when I had it done to me and it’s just as unpleasant as you’d imagine it is.
So I guess that’s my Christmas message to Metafilter.
posted by bondcliff at 4:27 PM on December 25, 2018 [4 favorites]
group of three men attached to one vacuum-cleaner
OK, you're going to have to explain the configuration involved there. Or are there some kind of Cerberus-headed vacuum cleaners I'm not aware of?
posted by Paul Slade at 4:30 PM on December 25, 2018 [14 favorites]
OK, you're going to have to explain the configuration involved there. Or are there some kind of Cerberus-headed vacuum cleaners I'm not aware of?
posted by Paul Slade at 4:30 PM on December 25, 2018 [14 favorites]
I was ... five when this happened? She wasn't very specific in my presence. I'll ask if she remembers.
posted by clew at 4:32 PM on December 25, 2018 [6 favorites]
posted by clew at 4:32 PM on December 25, 2018 [6 favorites]
a group of three men attached to one vacuum-cleaner who brought themselves in in a stickshift car. Impressive coöperation.
This feels like the 2019 reboot of three men and a baby we deserve
Heck no we’re in two girls one cup reboot territory
posted by ejs at 4:35 PM on December 25, 2018 [8 favorites]
This feels like the 2019 reboot of three men and a baby we deserve
Heck no we’re in two girls one cup reboot territory
posted by ejs at 4:35 PM on December 25, 2018 [8 favorites]
why why why would anyone insert anything into their penis
Well, look. You know about catheters, right? Medical device with a totes legit reason for going in one of the out doors? So, someone might consider that process, and think, what the heck, this might be easy 'n' fun.
“FORK, PEN, AND JELLY WRAPPER”
on the other hand
posted by Halloween Jack at 4:43 PM on December 25, 2018 [8 favorites]
Well, look. You know about catheters, right? Medical device with a totes legit reason for going in one of the out doors? So, someone might consider that process, and think, what the heck, this might be easy 'n' fun.
“FORK, PEN, AND JELLY WRAPPER”
on the other hand
posted by Halloween Jack at 4:43 PM on December 25, 2018 [8 favorites]
I wonder if cases like this will become less common with the increased acceptance and availability of sex toys. I mean butt plugs are a solved technology at this point. Thousands of years of covert research made sure of that.
posted by thatwhichfalls at 4:53 PM on December 25, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by thatwhichfalls at 4:53 PM on December 25, 2018 [3 favorites]
SIGNIFICANT AMOUNT OF STRING
My younger, more excitable cat almost managed this one recently, but she did it the long way....
posted by GenjiandProust at 5:06 PM on December 25, 2018 [22 favorites]
My younger, more excitable cat almost managed this one recently, but she did it the long way....
posted by GenjiandProust at 5:06 PM on December 25, 2018 [22 favorites]
"Dominoes aficionados often call this procedure smacking down the bone" - actual quote from actual Wikipedia page which seemed apropos
posted by stevil at 5:16 PM on December 25, 2018 [15 favorites]
posted by stevil at 5:16 PM on December 25, 2018 [15 favorites]
CANDLE IN CONDOM
I appreciate the planning and safety consciousness of this, but...what did you think you’d catch from a candle? Or was it to prevent pregnancy?
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 5:33 PM on December 25, 2018 [3 favorites]
I appreciate the planning and safety consciousness of this, but...what did you think you’d catch from a candle? Or was it to prevent pregnancy?
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 5:33 PM on December 25, 2018 [3 favorites]
Obligatory Eddie Murphy link
posted by JimInLoganSquare at 5:34 PM on December 25, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by JimInLoganSquare at 5:34 PM on December 25, 2018 [3 favorites]
I wonder if cases like this will become less common with the increased acceptance and availability of sex toys. I mean butt plugs are a solved technology at this point. Thousands of years of covert research made sure of that.
I dunno; I have a sneaking suspicion that a whole lot of this is down to impulsivity and boredom, and I don't think that a lot of these folks are good enough at delaying gratification long enough to wait for the sex toys to arrive. Not when the broom is right there.
Also note that there are several cases of sex toys themselves involved here: the one caught in the nose aside, there's a vibrator that fell apart and left five batteries and a component in a woman's vagina and there's the cock ring that came off and got stuck. Sex toys that are body safe enough to definitely not do this can be pretty expensive, and the lack of regulation and requirements that toys be sold "as novelties" in many parts of the US indicate that certain parts of the toy industry might not necessarily aid in slowing the flow of these kinds of incidents.
posted by sciatrix at 5:37 PM on December 25, 2018 [17 favorites]
I dunno; I have a sneaking suspicion that a whole lot of this is down to impulsivity and boredom, and I don't think that a lot of these folks are good enough at delaying gratification long enough to wait for the sex toys to arrive. Not when the broom is right there.
Also note that there are several cases of sex toys themselves involved here: the one caught in the nose aside, there's a vibrator that fell apart and left five batteries and a component in a woman's vagina and there's the cock ring that came off and got stuck. Sex toys that are body safe enough to definitely not do this can be pretty expensive, and the lack of regulation and requirements that toys be sold "as novelties" in many parts of the US indicate that certain parts of the toy industry might not necessarily aid in slowing the flow of these kinds of incidents.
posted by sciatrix at 5:37 PM on December 25, 2018 [17 favorites]
I mean butt plugs are a solved technology at this point.
Surely "I mean abstract nativity scenes are a solved technology at this point"?
posted by maxwelton at 5:37 PM on December 25, 2018 [12 favorites]
Surely "I mean abstract nativity scenes are a solved technology at this point"?
posted by maxwelton at 5:37 PM on December 25, 2018 [12 favorites]
what did you think you’d catch from a candle?
my spouse reminds me that many candles' wax tends to melt at body temperature, which seems like it could be... unfortunate... over time.
posted by sciatrix at 5:38 PM on December 25, 2018 [9 favorites]
my spouse reminds me that many candles' wax tends to melt at body temperature, which seems like it could be... unfortunate... over time.
posted by sciatrix at 5:38 PM on December 25, 2018 [9 favorites]
Man now I’m just thinking of those machines that make little wax figurines.
posted by shapes that haunt the dusk at 5:51 PM on December 25, 2018 [5 favorites]
posted by shapes that haunt the dusk at 5:51 PM on December 25, 2018 [5 favorites]
I don’t know why she swallowed that fly...
posted by jenkinsEar at 6:00 PM on December 25, 2018 [7 favorites]
posted by jenkinsEar at 6:00 PM on December 25, 2018 [7 favorites]
I’ve got to think that the person who put “6 to 7 BB pellets” in their penis had an imaginative end goal.
posted by Knowyournuts at 6:01 PM on December 25, 2018 [33 favorites]
posted by Knowyournuts at 6:01 PM on December 25, 2018 [33 favorites]
CB2 keeps on making these things out of glass.
posted by Emmy Rae at 6:02 PM on December 25, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by Emmy Rae at 6:02 PM on December 25, 2018 [1 favorite]
i like that somebody had string up their butt, but it was not *just* string, it was a SIGNIFICANT AMOUNT OF STRING.
I like to think that it was just a test run for SIGNIFICANT AMOUNT OF MAGICIAN'S SCARVES.
posted by sexyrobot at 6:07 PM on December 25, 2018 [37 favorites]
I like to think that it was just a test run for SIGNIFICANT AMOUNT OF MAGICIAN'S SCARVES.
posted by sexyrobot at 6:07 PM on December 25, 2018 [37 favorites]
Also that poor poor lady whose vibrating vaginal egg exploded upon re-entry. Like, she read last year's list and was all "nuh-uh not me, I'm buying the appropriate apparatus for jamming up my hoo-hah" and the universe was all like "nope, sorry, welcome to embarrassment town, loser, enjoy your five loose batteries."
posted by sexyrobot at 6:13 PM on December 25, 2018 [39 favorites]
posted by sexyrobot at 6:13 PM on December 25, 2018 [39 favorites]
I have unfortunately been having severe digestive issues for the past 2 months which have sent me to the ER twice now, and I am here to tell you that when you go to the ER for what you think is some kind of horrible intestinal torsion or bowel obstruction, the very first question they will carefully ask you is if you might perhaps be responsible for that obstruction yourself.
posted by poffin boffin at 6:17 PM on December 25, 2018 [50 favorites]
posted by poffin boffin at 6:17 PM on December 25, 2018 [50 favorites]
My friend was a prison doctor for a few years. He had one prisoner who inserted things into his penis (properly, his urethra) many, many, many times. Basically, anything he could get a hold of that was fit would get inserted. Ball point ink tubes were common. My friend was always delighted at these events or any other minor illness because he got $800 any time he had to come in from home at night.
posted by neuron at 6:34 PM on December 25, 2018 [11 favorites]
posted by neuron at 6:34 PM on December 25, 2018 [11 favorites]
SIGNIFICANT AMOUNT OF STRING.
Pee << 0.05
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 6:38 PM on December 25, 2018 [21 favorites]
Pee << 0.05
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 6:38 PM on December 25, 2018 [21 favorites]
Anything's a nativity scene if you're brave enough.
posted by cortex at 6:39 PM on December 25, 2018 [26 favorites]
posted by cortex at 6:39 PM on December 25, 2018 [26 favorites]
I’ve got to think that the person who put “6 to 7 BB pellets” in their penis had an imaginative end goal.
posted by Knowyournuts at 6:01 PM on December 25
maybe just a little eponysterical
posted by Two unicycles and some duct tape at 7:13 PM on December 25, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by Knowyournuts at 6:01 PM on December 25
maybe just a little eponysterical
posted by Two unicycles and some duct tape at 7:13 PM on December 25, 2018 [4 favorites]
A nativity scene for the purposes of... or a nativity scene for the purposes of...?
posted by Homo neanderthalensis at 7:14 PM on December 25, 2018
posted by Homo neanderthalensis at 7:14 PM on December 25, 2018
“Stuck bottle in rectum and squeezed”
I mean
posted by janepanic at 7:42 PM on December 25, 2018 [2 favorites]
I mean
posted by janepanic at 7:42 PM on December 25, 2018 [2 favorites]
see, the popcorn in ears sounded like a cute little kid, until it sounded like dementia, and then it was sad again
posted by ivan ivanych samovar at 8:02 PM on December 25, 2018 [7 favorites]
posted by ivan ivanych samovar at 8:02 PM on December 25, 2018 [7 favorites]
Good evening, and welcome to the holiday edition of Consumer "Probe". Our topic tonight is unsafe sex toys. We have with us tonight, Mr. Irwin Mainway, President of Mainway Sex Toys. Uh, Mr. Mainway, your company manufactures the following so-called harmless playthings: Pretty Pegging Piercing Set, Mr. Skin-Grafter, General Tron’s Secret Police Confession Kit, and Bag O' Ass Glass. And what about this innocent rubber dildo, which you market under the name Johnny Switchblade? [ holds up dildo] Press his head, and two sharp knives spring from his glans. [ demonstrates ] Mr. Mainway, I’m afraid this is, by no means, a very safe sex toy...
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 8:03 PM on December 25, 2018 [9 favorites]
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 8:03 PM on December 25, 2018 [9 favorites]
I barely made it past the woman whose ears get hungry. That's like a whole body-horror movie in a sentence. I mean, a different sort of body-horror than the rest of the list....
posted by mstokes650 at 8:25 PM on December 25, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by mstokes650 at 8:25 PM on December 25, 2018 [4 favorites]
That's like a whole body-horror movie in a sentence. I mean, a different sort of body-horror than the rest of the list....
It's body horror all the way down friend!
posted by Homo neanderthalensis at 8:32 PM on December 25, 2018 [6 favorites]
It's body horror all the way down friend!
posted by Homo neanderthalensis at 8:32 PM on December 25, 2018 [6 favorites]
Haha people were trying to find a way be privately sexual. It didn’t go as planned and now they need help. Do they suffer in silence or go to the ER and wonder if they’ll end up being publicly mocked? Huh, I thought we were better than this.
posted by _Mona_ at 8:35 PM on December 25, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by _Mona_ at 8:35 PM on December 25, 2018 [2 favorites]
I work in an ED. We will definitely mock you if you come in with something silly stuck up there, but not to your face, and certainly not publicly.
posted by killdevil at 8:47 PM on December 25, 2018 [12 favorites]
posted by killdevil at 8:47 PM on December 25, 2018 [12 favorites]
I am an OR nurse. It’s exactly as killdevil says, but you’re gonna have to work a lot harder than “sex toy” to impress us.
posted by jesourie at 8:53 PM on December 25, 2018 [8 favorites]
posted by jesourie at 8:53 PM on December 25, 2018 [8 favorites]
I submit a 6-inch long, sharp, full-sized vehicle tow hook for consideration. The x-ray was something to behold.
posted by killdevil at 8:58 PM on December 25, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by killdevil at 8:58 PM on December 25, 2018 [4 favorites]
a group of three men attached to one vacuum-cleaner who brought themselves in in a stickshift car. Impressive coöperation.
See, I keep returning to this one. One guy stuck in a vacuum cleaner: sure, that’s a Friday night at a big city ER. A second person starts to look like carelessness, and I confess I have never pondered what sort of vacuum cleaner could attach itself securely to three different individuals simultaneously. Or how. Unless they all somehow discerned at the same moment they were entangled... ‘cause I really don’t see how any gent, upon seeing his two chums already firmly trapped, says “shift over a bit there, Nathan, and let me at the Dyson.”
Kudos on the teamwork to even all get into a car, let alone drive it. At that point, it seems more like Theatresports than anything else. (Although now that I reflect on it, if you and your two buddies are all having sexy times with the same vacuum cleaner, you are probably familiar with teamwork.)
posted by ricochet biscuit at 9:15 PM on December 25, 2018 [24 favorites]
See, I keep returning to this one. One guy stuck in a vacuum cleaner: sure, that’s a Friday night at a big city ER. A second person starts to look like carelessness, and I confess I have never pondered what sort of vacuum cleaner could attach itself securely to three different individuals simultaneously. Or how. Unless they all somehow discerned at the same moment they were entangled... ‘cause I really don’t see how any gent, upon seeing his two chums already firmly trapped, says “shift over a bit there, Nathan, and let me at the Dyson.”
Kudos on the teamwork to even all get into a car, let alone drive it. At that point, it seems more like Theatresports than anything else. (Although now that I reflect on it, if you and your two buddies are all having sexy times with the same vacuum cleaner, you are probably familiar with teamwork.)
posted by ricochet biscuit at 9:15 PM on December 25, 2018 [24 favorites]
Will confirm, doctor friends will burst out laughing later to you about how their entire group of coworkers went into another room and shut the door before bursting out laughing about the guy who came in with an impacted eggplant.
posted by twoplussix at 9:19 PM on December 25, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by twoplussix at 9:19 PM on December 25, 2018 [4 favorites]
"doctor friends" is plural because I swear I have heard some variation on this from two different doctors. Object in question (in rectum?) may have been different, though the first one's was definitely an eggplant.
posted by twoplussix at 9:20 PM on December 25, 2018
posted by twoplussix at 9:20 PM on December 25, 2018
I think it's just human nature to bust out laughing at this kind of thing happening, for whatever reason it happened.
posted by jenfullmoon at 9:26 PM on December 25, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by jenfullmoon at 9:26 PM on December 25, 2018 [1 favorite]
Also, while the pelvic stuff gets the most attention, I feel we need to further consider some of the Nose items: specifically—
BUTTERFLY
This isn’t a euphemism or anything? Did it go in as a caterpillar?
GUM
GUM WRAPPER
GUM IN WRAPPER
As with the Extreme Dominoes players above, I hope these people know each other. Or maybe it is the same person in series.
“The gum guy came back again, you know.”
“Yeah, Thursday night. I was working.”
“No, I mean he can back again TONIGHT.”
SEX TOY
See, this covers a lot of possible scope. Most ones I can imagine seem both uncomfortable and unsanitary.
POOL NOODLE
wat
posted by ricochet biscuit at 9:27 PM on December 25, 2018 [6 favorites]
BUTTERFLY
This isn’t a euphemism or anything? Did it go in as a caterpillar?
GUM
GUM WRAPPER
GUM IN WRAPPER
As with the Extreme Dominoes players above, I hope these people know each other. Or maybe it is the same person in series.
“The gum guy came back again, you know.”
“Yeah, Thursday night. I was working.”
“No, I mean he can back again TONIGHT.”
SEX TOY
See, this covers a lot of possible scope. Most ones I can imagine seem both uncomfortable and unsanitary.
POOL NOODLE
wat
posted by ricochet biscuit at 9:27 PM on December 25, 2018 [6 favorites]
I hate imagining these things, but it’s Christmas and I just started having a cold today and my mom doesn’t remember anything anymore and Metafilter made me laugh out loud. More than once. Thanks, guys.
posted by lhauser at 9:29 PM on December 25, 2018 [22 favorites]
posted by lhauser at 9:29 PM on December 25, 2018 [22 favorites]
If I had a dime for everytime I put a “FORK, PEN, AND JELLY WRAPPER” in my penis, I would immediately put all of them in my penis.
posted by vorpal bunny at 10:01 PM on December 25, 2018 [9 favorites]
posted by vorpal bunny at 10:01 PM on December 25, 2018 [9 favorites]
BTW, don't use paraffin or wax as an improvised penetrative toy.
Recently I learned that fleshlights can get moldy inside.
posted by bendy at 10:10 PM on December 25, 2018 [3 favorites]
Recently I learned that fleshlights can get moldy inside.
posted by bendy at 10:10 PM on December 25, 2018 [3 favorites]
I was awake when I had it done to me and it’s just as unpleasant as you’d imagine it is.
Merry Christmas bondcliff.
posted by bendy at 10:16 PM on December 25, 2018
Merry Christmas bondcliff.
posted by bendy at 10:16 PM on December 25, 2018
I thought I was brave putting a condom on the sonicare.
posted by bendy at 10:19 PM on December 25, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by bendy at 10:19 PM on December 25, 2018 [4 favorites]
That's just good dental hygiene.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 10:30 PM on December 25, 2018 [10 favorites]
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 10:30 PM on December 25, 2018 [10 favorites]
PUSHED DRUGS UP RECTUM USING A LIGHTER, WAS ABLE TO RETRIEVE THE DRUGS BAG YET BELIEVE LIGHTER GOT STUCK
Most of these people are Coen brothers characters, but none more than this one.
posted by contraption at 10:31 PM on December 25, 2018 [27 favorites]
Most of these people are Coen brothers characters, but none more than this one.
posted by contraption at 10:31 PM on December 25, 2018 [27 favorites]
The sex toy up the nose sounded initially unlikely and then I remembered they make things like lipstick and finger vibes. The why is still unanswered but at least the possibility makes sense.
Cool Papa Bell: "“Every nurse ... EVERY nurse ... has a story. What’s the weirdest thing you pulled out of someone’s butt?”
“Broomstick.”
Bang. Zero hesitation, zero time spent trying to think of her answer."
It's pretty obvious medical personnel get together and discuss this sort of thing so they always know their best.
Slarty Bartfast: "I appreciate the planning and safety consciousness of this, but...what did you think you’d catch from a candle? Or was it to prevent pregnancy?"
It's pretty common to wrap improvised toys in condoms to prevent whatever the object is made of causing a rash.
jesourie: "you’re gonna have to work a lot harder than “sex toy” to impress us."
Challenge Ac--- No wait ...
posted by Mitheral at 10:36 PM on December 25, 2018 [8 favorites]
Cool Papa Bell: "“Every nurse ... EVERY nurse ... has a story. What’s the weirdest thing you pulled out of someone’s butt?”
“Broomstick.”
Bang. Zero hesitation, zero time spent trying to think of her answer."
It's pretty obvious medical personnel get together and discuss this sort of thing so they always know their best.
Slarty Bartfast: "I appreciate the planning and safety consciousness of this, but...what did you think you’d catch from a candle? Or was it to prevent pregnancy?"
It's pretty common to wrap improvised toys in condoms to prevent whatever the object is made of causing a rash.
jesourie: "you’re gonna have to work a lot harder than “sex toy” to impress us."
Challenge Ac--- No wait ...
posted by Mitheral at 10:36 PM on December 25, 2018 [8 favorites]
People really like putting things in their orifices.
posted by bongo_x at 11:24 PM on December 25, 2018
posted by bongo_x at 11:24 PM on December 25, 2018
Seems to me that after putting a condom around the new thing, one could knot the base of the condom to something that would serve as a flared base. I'm not seeing a common household object that leaps to mind as the obvious base, though. A CD? With something on the other side, like, a button or stopper knot? Maybe tie it to a larger longer string. A hawser.
posted by clew at 12:37 AM on December 26, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by clew at 12:37 AM on December 26, 2018 [2 favorites]
I barely made it past the woman whose ears get hungry. That's like a whole body-horror movie in a sentence
"Dog found with teeth growing out of ears" (from Veterinary Practice News). Before you click, bear in mind that the article has a photo.
posted by Paul Slade at 12:45 AM on December 26, 2018 [4 favorites]
"Dog found with teeth growing out of ears" (from Veterinary Practice News). Before you click, bear in mind that the article has a photo.
posted by Paul Slade at 12:45 AM on December 26, 2018 [4 favorites]
Before you click, bear in mind that the article has a photo.
Gaaaaah. Blorf. eeek.
posted by Homo neanderthalensis at 12:53 AM on December 26, 2018 [1 favorite]
Gaaaaah. Blorf. eeek.
posted by Homo neanderthalensis at 12:53 AM on December 26, 2018 [1 favorite]
People, it's a penis, not a junk drawer.
That stuff all sounds awful.
posted by under_petticoat_rule at 1:10 AM on December 26, 2018 [11 favorites]
That stuff all sounds awful.
posted by under_petticoat_rule at 1:10 AM on December 26, 2018 [11 favorites]
ok, look, I grew up in a very medical family, I've spent my adult life in the company of extremely uninhibited and adventurous people, I've heard all the stories, I've seen all the sights, I flick through these lists going "yeah, whatevs", but..
posted by doop at 1:46 AM on December 26, 2018 [3 favorites]
..how, exactly?
Nose
[...]
- POOL NOODLE
posted by doop at 1:46 AM on December 26, 2018 [3 favorites]
If you lube it enough, it is no dream
posted by saturday_morning at 2:00 AM on December 26, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by saturday_morning at 2:00 AM on December 26, 2018 [2 favorites]
Metafilter: If you lube it enough, it is no dream
sorrynotsorry
posted by prismatic7 at 2:50 AM on December 26, 2018 [9 favorites]
sorrynotsorry
posted by prismatic7 at 2:50 AM on December 26, 2018 [9 favorites]
The joke about people who fail to find this funny having a stick up their arse seems to be such an astonishingly easy tap-in that I've become paralysed and can't actually construct it
posted by ominous_paws at 3:29 AM on December 26, 2018 [36 favorites]
posted by ominous_paws at 3:29 AM on December 26, 2018 [36 favorites]
"...what did you think you’d catch from a candle? Or was it to prevent pregnancy?
And that's how you get tapers.
posted by h00py at 4:28 AM on December 26, 2018 [7 favorites]
And that's how you get tapers.
posted by h00py at 4:28 AM on December 26, 2018 [7 favorites]
The guy with the BBs - I recall reading an account by a guy who masturbated by inserting small steel balls into his urethra so they'd travel back to the bladder. Apparently the sensation of movement inside the urethra and bladder was enjoyable, and the steel balls always passed back out when he peed - until the time that they didn't, and he had to seek medical attention. They took care of it, but rather than learn from experience, he continued his practice.
I presented at Urgent Care a few years back with a bleeding ear. I was heading out to shovel snow off my shed's roof, and while floundering through the deep snow near the lilac shrub, a frozen twig jammed into my ear. The pain was excruciating, but it had taken so much effort to get to the shed through the deep snow that I shoveled the shed roof off before floundering back to the house and driving to the clinic. Anyhow, none of the clinic staff believed me when I explained how the twig got jammed into my ear. I figured it was an unusual but not impossible thing to have happened, but they acted like I was feeding them a line.
Also: Thomas Morris' historical medicine blog has many, many accounts from medical journals of objects stuck in orifices going back hundreds of years. Unfortunately, not all of them had good outcomes. People have been doing this forever.
posted by Lunaloon at 5:53 AM on December 26, 2018 [5 favorites]
I presented at Urgent Care a few years back with a bleeding ear. I was heading out to shovel snow off my shed's roof, and while floundering through the deep snow near the lilac shrub, a frozen twig jammed into my ear. The pain was excruciating, but it had taken so much effort to get to the shed through the deep snow that I shoveled the shed roof off before floundering back to the house and driving to the clinic. Anyhow, none of the clinic staff believed me when I explained how the twig got jammed into my ear. I figured it was an unusual but not impossible thing to have happened, but they acted like I was feeding them a line.
Also: Thomas Morris' historical medicine blog has many, many accounts from medical journals of objects stuck in orifices going back hundreds of years. Unfortunately, not all of them had good outcomes. People have been doing this forever.
posted by Lunaloon at 5:53 AM on December 26, 2018 [5 favorites]
> People, it's a penis, not a junk drawer.
Guys keep their junk in their drawers. You can see how some of them might get confused.
posted by at by at 5:57 AM on December 26, 2018 [12 favorites]
Guys keep their junk in their drawers. You can see how some of them might get confused.
posted by at by at 5:57 AM on December 26, 2018 [12 favorites]
I mean, they get in even more trouble when they don't keep their junk in their drawers.
posted by at by at 5:57 AM on December 26, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by at by at 5:57 AM on December 26, 2018 [1 favorite]
“Toe-nail clippings” in penis. For the love of god...
posted by pleem at 6:09 AM on December 26, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by pleem at 6:09 AM on December 26, 2018 [1 favorite]
"I was awake when I had it done to me and it’s just as unpleasant as you’d imagine it is."
I was catheterized in the ER when I had an abdominal abscess -- the abscess was constricting something and somehow interefering with my ability to urinate. Which, to be sure, I felt was the least of my problems at the time.
I live with serious chronic pain, have had six or eight kidney stones -- most recently this year when I simply went without pain relief or medical intervention for three days until it passed: "Oh, I recognize this white-hot agony. I can outlast you, you fucker."
Though still very unpleasant, I've long learned to abide pain.
This abscess was the single worst pain I've ever experienced. It's the standard by which now I'm like, meh, go ahead and torture me by cutting off a finger, whatever. (Not that I'm often tortured.)
Anyway, this was my first (conscious) experience with a catheter. My expectations were entirely confounded. I thought, oh, something like an IV tube? Not the reality, which was some half-inch diameter pink snake-like monstrosity. No way was that going to fit inside my urethra, it just didn't seem possible. How would they do it?
I can't tell you because I didn't watch. Not so much because I thought it would upset me, but because of how the nurse positioned me on my side for the procedure.
I'd been in the ER exam for many hours at that point, with two different aunts I'm close to who lived in town alternately sitting with me. As the nurse explained what she was going to do, she asked if I would like my visitor to leave. I said, well, I know she frequently saw my junk when I was a baby and, right at this moment, given the level of pain I'm in and which, BY THE WAY, the narcotics hardly made a difference -- frankly, dear nurse, I could not care less about body modesty. I told my aunt she could do whatever she preferred. In character, she replied that it didn't bother her and she'd stay. I was like, well, if someone is going to shove a garden hose up my dick, I'd appreciate the moral support.
The point of this story is that the gigantic pink garden hose up my dick was not as traumatic as I thought, mostly because I was fixated upon the snarling, hissing alien about to burst from my lower abdomen.
"why why why would anyone insert anything into their penis"
I noticed several of the items were obviously electrically conductive. I had a friend [not a euphemism for myself] who discovered the large and fascinating world of electricity-facilitated sexual pleasure. Nothing really surprises me, and, you know, electrically-stimulated nerves, but, still, I was a bit dubious. But you do you, my friend.
“Stuck bottle in rectum and squeezed”
I may have told the following anecdote before -- because I have no shame and I think it's hilarious in an absurd and self-deprecating way.
About twenty years ago I came across a claim that delivery of alcohol through suppository was potent and rapidly effective (makes sense) and that, furthermore, this delivery method ameliorated much of the hangover effects. So naturally I thought: what the hell, it's worth the experiment.
Vodka seemed the best choice, particularly since I had some on hand. Stolichnaya, in fact. Which I kept in the freezer.
I did not think this through.
I'm not exactly sure what sub-freezing vodka did to my rectum, but it wasn't anything good. Though there was no apparant lasting harm -- unless you include the sloughing off of small amounts of damaged tissue over a couple days.
Again, I have little or no shame and I told this story to a friend. He told it to a mutual friend with whom I ended up dating ten years later. She was bemused to discover that I am very much not some wildly adventurous experimenter in varieties of self-intoxication. I think she was vaguely disappointed.
posted by Ivan Fyodorovich at 6:56 AM on December 26, 2018 [15 favorites]
I was catheterized in the ER when I had an abdominal abscess -- the abscess was constricting something and somehow interefering with my ability to urinate. Which, to be sure, I felt was the least of my problems at the time.
I live with serious chronic pain, have had six or eight kidney stones -- most recently this year when I simply went without pain relief or medical intervention for three days until it passed: "Oh, I recognize this white-hot agony. I can outlast you, you fucker."
Though still very unpleasant, I've long learned to abide pain.
This abscess was the single worst pain I've ever experienced. It's the standard by which now I'm like, meh, go ahead and torture me by cutting off a finger, whatever. (Not that I'm often tortured.)
Anyway, this was my first (conscious) experience with a catheter. My expectations were entirely confounded. I thought, oh, something like an IV tube? Not the reality, which was some half-inch diameter pink snake-like monstrosity. No way was that going to fit inside my urethra, it just didn't seem possible. How would they do it?
I can't tell you because I didn't watch. Not so much because I thought it would upset me, but because of how the nurse positioned me on my side for the procedure.
I'd been in the ER exam for many hours at that point, with two different aunts I'm close to who lived in town alternately sitting with me. As the nurse explained what she was going to do, she asked if I would like my visitor to leave. I said, well, I know she frequently saw my junk when I was a baby and, right at this moment, given the level of pain I'm in and which, BY THE WAY, the narcotics hardly made a difference -- frankly, dear nurse, I could not care less about body modesty. I told my aunt she could do whatever she preferred. In character, she replied that it didn't bother her and she'd stay. I was like, well, if someone is going to shove a garden hose up my dick, I'd appreciate the moral support.
The point of this story is that the gigantic pink garden hose up my dick was not as traumatic as I thought, mostly because I was fixated upon the snarling, hissing alien about to burst from my lower abdomen.
"why why why would anyone insert anything into their penis"
I noticed several of the items were obviously electrically conductive. I had a friend [not a euphemism for myself] who discovered the large and fascinating world of electricity-facilitated sexual pleasure. Nothing really surprises me, and, you know, electrically-stimulated nerves, but, still, I was a bit dubious. But you do you, my friend.
“Stuck bottle in rectum and squeezed”
I may have told the following anecdote before -- because I have no shame and I think it's hilarious in an absurd and self-deprecating way.
About twenty years ago I came across a claim that delivery of alcohol through suppository was potent and rapidly effective (makes sense) and that, furthermore, this delivery method ameliorated much of the hangover effects. So naturally I thought: what the hell, it's worth the experiment.
Vodka seemed the best choice, particularly since I had some on hand. Stolichnaya, in fact. Which I kept in the freezer.
I did not think this through.
I'm not exactly sure what sub-freezing vodka did to my rectum, but it wasn't anything good. Though there was no apparant lasting harm -- unless you include the sloughing off of small amounts of damaged tissue over a couple days.
Again, I have little or no shame and I told this story to a friend. He told it to a mutual friend with whom I ended up dating ten years later. She was bemused to discover that I am very much not some wildly adventurous experimenter in varieties of self-intoxication. I think she was vaguely disappointed.
posted by Ivan Fyodorovich at 6:56 AM on December 26, 2018 [15 favorites]
i like that somebody had string up their butt, but it was not *just* string, it was a SIGNIFICANT AMOUNT OF STRING.
This is probably because in 2018 if you are not doing a proper power analysis before shoving string up your butt you are just begging to be a replication failure.
posted by srboisvert at 7:17 AM on December 26, 2018 [5 favorites]
This is probably because in 2018 if you are not doing a proper power analysis before shoving string up your butt you are just begging to be a replication failure.
posted by srboisvert at 7:17 AM on December 26, 2018 [5 favorites]
If I knew it was gonna be this kinda party I woulda stuck the mashed potatoes in my dick.
posted by peeedro at 7:20 AM on December 26, 2018 [15 favorites]
posted by peeedro at 7:20 AM on December 26, 2018 [15 favorites]
Cool Papa Bell: "“Every nurse ... EVERY nurse ... has a story. What’s the weirdest thing you pulled out of someone’s butt?”
“Broomstick.”
Quidditch accident.
posted by srboisvert at 7:23 AM on December 26, 2018 [10 favorites]
“Broomstick.”
Quidditch accident.
posted by srboisvert at 7:23 AM on December 26, 2018 [10 favorites]
"Dog found with teeth growing out of ears"
From the OKC Animal Welfare Facebook page (the photos, so adorable):
Update about Esmeralda, the dog found with a mouth, teeth on her ear, from her foster mom....
Ezzie, as I call her for short, is doing wonderful in her new foster home! She has made friends with the other dogs in the household and even likes her foster kitten siblings. She is getting over a bit of a cold but is expected to heal up pretty quickly. Esmerelda is great with new people and kids also! And her favorite thing to do is sneak up on the couch when her foster mom isn’t looking and push the other dogs out of the way for one on one snuggles. She has yet to learn that she is just a little too big to sit on her humans’ laps.
Thanks again for all of you who have followed her saga, donated to her cause and wished her good thoughts.
---
Esmeralda, the dog found with teeth growing where an ear should be has a happy ending. She will be adopted by her foster mom who also happens to be our foster coordinator! It was love at first site. Thanks to everyone who donated towards her care through our Angel Fund.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 7:46 AM on December 26, 2018 [13 favorites]
From the OKC Animal Welfare Facebook page (the photos, so adorable):
Update about Esmeralda, the dog found with a mouth, teeth on her ear, from her foster mom....
Ezzie, as I call her for short, is doing wonderful in her new foster home! She has made friends with the other dogs in the household and even likes her foster kitten siblings. She is getting over a bit of a cold but is expected to heal up pretty quickly. Esmerelda is great with new people and kids also! And her favorite thing to do is sneak up on the couch when her foster mom isn’t looking and push the other dogs out of the way for one on one snuggles. She has yet to learn that she is just a little too big to sit on her humans’ laps.
Thanks again for all of you who have followed her saga, donated to her cause and wished her good thoughts.
---
Esmeralda, the dog found with teeth growing where an ear should be has a happy ending. She will be adopted by her foster mom who also happens to be our foster coordinator! It was love at first site. Thanks to everyone who donated towards her care through our Angel Fund.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 7:46 AM on December 26, 2018 [13 favorites]
As a med scribe I used to encounter varied delightful weirdnesses but here are two of my favorites, both from an eye-ear-nose-throat specialist.
The first case involved a young girl whose mother noticed a foul odor; on exam a single mung bean was found well up in the sinus cavity. It had sprouted.
The second was a small boy with very bad breath; on scoping a plastic toy soldier was visualized. “Looks like a Union soldier, infantry,” reported the MD, deadpan. “Fortunately not armed.”
posted by kinnakeet at 7:49 AM on December 26, 2018 [9 favorites]
The first case involved a young girl whose mother noticed a foul odor; on exam a single mung bean was found well up in the sinus cavity. It had sprouted.
The second was a small boy with very bad breath; on scoping a plastic toy soldier was visualized. “Looks like a Union soldier, infantry,” reported the MD, deadpan. “Fortunately not armed.”
posted by kinnakeet at 7:49 AM on December 26, 2018 [9 favorites]
The guy with the BBs - I recall reading an account by a guy who masturbated by inserting small steel balls into his urethra so they'd travel back to the bladder.
There's an old joke about a teenage boy who accidentally eats a load of ball bearings in his food. He has a wank next day and accidentally shoots the dog.
I did not think this through.
Neither did these guys.
posted by Paul Slade at 7:53 AM on December 26, 2018 [3 favorites]
There's an old joke about a teenage boy who accidentally eats a load of ball bearings in his food. He has a wank next day and accidentally shoots the dog.
I did not think this through.
Neither did these guys.
posted by Paul Slade at 7:53 AM on December 26, 2018 [3 favorites]
I assumed, perhaps overly optimistically, that most of the nose and ear ones were toddlers. I feel like I spent my entire babysitting career trying to prevent 18-month-olds from sticking various things in their noses.
posted by ArbitraryAndCapricious at 8:25 AM on December 26, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by ArbitraryAndCapricious at 8:25 AM on December 26, 2018 [2 favorites]
I'm not seeing a common household object that leaps to mind as the obvious base, though. A CD? With something on the other side, like, a button or stopper knot? Maybe tie it to a larger longer string. A hawser.
a string to a doorknob attached to a slammable door, like with the old "how do i yank out a loose tooth" thing except with far more hilarrible results
posted by poffin boffin at 8:36 AM on December 26, 2018 [6 favorites]
a string to a doorknob attached to a slammable door, like with the old "how do i yank out a loose tooth" thing except with far more hilarrible results
posted by poffin boffin at 8:36 AM on December 26, 2018 [6 favorites]
I spent my entire babysitting career trying to prevent 18-month-olds from sticking various things in their noses.
A former 18-month-old of this house (now a more dignified 22-year-old) landed a pretzel stick up her nostril when she was a toddler. Much time was spent by her mom and a nurse at the ER trying to teach her how to blow her nose — “no, close your mouth and breathe out REALLY HARD into this tissue! Okay, now try to keep your mouth closed this time, honey.”
Last night at Xmas dinner, her uncle, my brother-in-law, related how as a child he once tried to make himself sneeze by snorting a handful of ground pepper. That is when he learned (as we all do eventually) not to use Bugs Bunny cartoons as instructional videos.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 9:11 AM on December 26, 2018 [1 favorite]
A former 18-month-old of this house (now a more dignified 22-year-old) landed a pretzel stick up her nostril when she was a toddler. Much time was spent by her mom and a nurse at the ER trying to teach her how to blow her nose — “no, close your mouth and breathe out REALLY HARD into this tissue! Okay, now try to keep your mouth closed this time, honey.”
Last night at Xmas dinner, her uncle, my brother-in-law, related how as a child he once tried to make himself sneeze by snorting a handful of ground pepper. That is when he learned (as we all do eventually) not to use Bugs Bunny cartoons as instructional videos.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 9:11 AM on December 26, 2018 [1 favorite]
I hope the domino was just lodged in the foreskin in a way that made it too painful to remove. Or at least, I'm going to imagine that's what happened; please do not show me any pictures that indicate otherwise.
posted by ErisLordFreedom at 10:17 AM on December 26, 2018
posted by ErisLordFreedom at 10:17 AM on December 26, 2018
I imagine swallowing a mood ring would make one quite...
(•_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
dyspeptic.
posted by duffell at 10:28 AM on December 26, 2018 [1 favorite]
(•_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
dyspeptic.
posted by duffell at 10:28 AM on December 26, 2018 [1 favorite]
"I barely made it past the woman whose ears get hungry. That's like a whole body-horror movie in a sentence. "
I assume that was a preschooler, honestly.
"But WHY did you put the food in your ears?"
"My ears were hungry, mommy!" she replies, with the impeccable logic of preschoolers.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 2:43 PM on December 26, 2018 [4 favorites]
I assume that was a preschooler, honestly.
"But WHY did you put the food in your ears?"
"My ears were hungry, mommy!" she replies, with the impeccable logic of preschoolers.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 2:43 PM on December 26, 2018 [4 favorites]
Yeah, it's either "preschooler" or "psychotic break," which I feel like there's a lot of overlap there actually.
posted by nebulawindphone at 2:46 PM on December 26, 2018 [13 favorites]
posted by nebulawindphone at 2:46 PM on December 26, 2018 [13 favorites]
Don't forget, folks - if you are short of items to shove into your orifice(s), then see if your local public library has something suitable for borrowing.
(Items must be extracted from your body and returned before the loan period expires in order to avoid a late fee.)
(Also, thoroughly clean the item before return. Although the librarian has probably seen every bodily fluid before - ask anyone who's worked in a public library for a significant time - they really do not want to see any more.)
(And don't smugly ask "Guess where this has been?", or similar, to the librarian upon handing it over. Seriously, they don't want to know. Again, the unidentifiable but ominous stains in many returned books.)
posted by Wordshore at 3:14 PM on December 26, 2018 [6 favorites]
(Items must be extracted from your body and returned before the loan period expires in order to avoid a late fee.)
(Also, thoroughly clean the item before return. Although the librarian has probably seen every bodily fluid before - ask anyone who's worked in a public library for a significant time - they really do not want to see any more.)
(And don't smugly ask "Guess where this has been?", or similar, to the librarian upon handing it over. Seriously, they don't want to know. Again, the unidentifiable but ominous stains in many returned books.)
posted by Wordshore at 3:14 PM on December 26, 2018 [6 favorites]
Well, look. You know about catheters, right? Medical device with a totes legit reason for going in one of the out doors? So, someone might consider that process, and think, what the heck, this might be easy 'n' fun.
The Liberator Medical late night catheter commercials have just taken on a whole new layer of meaning...
posted by Rufous-headed Towhee heehee at 3:05 AM on December 27, 2018 [1 favorite]
The Liberator Medical late night catheter commercials have just taken on a whole new layer of meaning...
posted by Rufous-headed Towhee heehee at 3:05 AM on December 27, 2018 [1 favorite]
My local libraries circulate some pretty great tools and devices, but I don't think any of them offer a replica human skeleton. How awesome is that?
posted by asperity at 7:45 AM on December 27, 2018 [5 favorites]
posted by asperity at 7:45 AM on December 27, 2018 [5 favorites]
I did not think this through.
Neither did these guys.
Good grief. I thought that this was bad...
posted by Halloween Jack at 9:46 AM on December 27, 2018
Neither did these guys.
Good grief. I thought that this was bad...
posted by Halloween Jack at 9:46 AM on December 27, 2018
I’ve got to think that the person who put “6 to 7 BB pellets” in their penis had an imaginative end goal.
Obviously looking to fire off more than just a few knuckle children.
posted by e1c at 10:52 AM on December 27, 2018
Obviously looking to fire off more than just a few knuckle children.
posted by e1c at 10:52 AM on December 27, 2018
Metafilter: It sounded like a cute little kid, until it sounded like dementia, and then it was sad again.
posted by Paul Slade at 1:07 AM on December 28, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by Paul Slade at 1:07 AM on December 28, 2018 [1 favorite]
The Liberator Medical late night catheter commercials have just taken on a whole new layer of meaning...
Oh YEAAAH!
posted by bink at 2:25 PM on December 28, 2018
Oh YEAAAH!
posted by bink at 2:25 PM on December 28, 2018
In follow-up, we also have What We Did To Mr. Happy, 2018 Edition (very much NSFW.)
posted by NoxAeternum at 8:44 PM on January 1, 2019
posted by NoxAeternum at 8:44 PM on January 1, 2019
SLIPPED IN RAIN OUTSIDE, RAN INTO WALL WITH INJURY TO GLANS OF PENIS; HAD ERECTION PRIOR TO TRAUMA
I guarantee there is more to this story.
posted by Dip Flash at 8:50 PM on January 1, 2019 [1 favorite]
I guarantee there is more to this story.
posted by Dip Flash at 8:50 PM on January 1, 2019 [1 favorite]
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This... feels like burying the lede. Just a hair.
posted by nebulawindphone at 1:48 PM on December 25, 2018 [30 favorites]