I'm a mathematician... all I do all day is write equations on glass
January 3, 2019 12:31 PM   Subscribe

 
Hi, I'm the prime suspect in a murder, but I'm a busy man and will only give you detectives thirty seconds of my time, then excuse myself and head off to my next meeting.
posted by Mogur at 12:40 PM on January 3 [32 favorites]


This is great.
Oh, hello, I'm a librarian at your university. I know exactly where every volume is shelved offhand, what every patron has been reading, and can recite a rare midieval tome as i pull it off the open shelves. I am also staffing the circulation desk
posted by ricochet biscuit at 12:42 PM on January 3 [56 favorites]


My favorite was Hi, I'm a mother in a movie. *dies*
posted by dinty_moore at 12:42 PM on January 3 [36 favorites]


I'm diligently unloading crates from a truck while I answer all of your questions without a lawyer present, detectives.
posted by bleep at 12:47 PM on January 3 [43 favorites]


Hi, I'm the prime suspect in a murder, but I'm a busy man and will only give you detectives thirty seconds of my time, then excuse myself and head off to my next meeting.

I need to go return some video tapes.
posted by gucci mane at 12:48 PM on January 3 [13 favorites]


hi, i'm the producer who made this movie, during which time i probably sexually harrassed the actors who played the professor, secretary, and police detective, not necessarily in that order.
posted by wibari at 12:53 PM on January 3 [37 favorites]


Hey there, female grad student here. I'm sure you recognized me because I'm wearing glasses and dating the heroic male professor.
posted by DarthDuckie at 12:53 PM on January 3 [35 favorites]


@jessamyn: Hello, I'm a librarian in a movie. I wear a respectable cardigan twin set, two inch heels, cat eye glasses, and an expression of disinterest. My hair's in a bun but it will be dramatically taken down (and my glasses off) when I meet you after hours in the stacks. #shhh
posted by Chrysostom at 12:54 PM on January 3 [37 favorites]


I would love to know who came up with the idea that everyone should write important shit on vertical panes of clear glass. I can’t think of too many better ways to make sure what you’re writing will be as illegible as possible.
posted by Thorzdad at 1:04 PM on January 3 [15 favorites]


“Hi, I’m a Spartan hoplite in a movie. I’m capable of superhuman feats just because of where I was born, also I don’t have any slaves acting as critical support troops and also carrying my shit and doing all the entrenching and fortifying critical to warfare. Also, I’m straight.” @mykecole
posted by The Whelk at 1:04 PM on January 3 [48 favorites]


Columbo movie or Cracked article. You decide.
posted by Melismata at 1:09 PM on January 3 [3 favorites]


I would love to know who came up with the idea that everyone should write important shit on vertical panes of clear glass. I can’t think of too many better ways to make sure what you’re writing will be as illegible as possible.

Definitely not mathematicians. They scoff at even whiteboards and prefer fancy chalk.
posted by entropone at 1:11 PM on January 3 [7 favorites]


Oh geeze, I'm the Minnesotan in a movie. I'm uptight and quiet, dontchaknow, and my funny accent hides my down-home common sense. Also, since there aren't that many movies with Minnesotans, there's a good chance I'm either getting shoved into a wood chipper or doing the shoving
posted by the phlegmatic king at 1:14 PM on January 3 [36 favorites]


Hello, I'm a pistol over the fireplace in the first act. In the next act I will...
posted by idiopath at 1:14 PM on January 3 [38 favorites]


Hi, I'm a bartender in a movie. Because my only task is to hand polish this glass with a towel, I have ample time to hear about your personal problems.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 1:15 PM on January 3 [45 favorites]


Glass surfaces have less friction than chalk/whiteboards, so it's much easier for the numbers to magically dance and swim about when a mathematician is beautiful minding.
posted by Atom Eyes at 1:15 PM on January 3 [33 favorites]


I'm a hacker in a movie. I'm gonna... Wait, you've all heard this one?
posted by suetanvil at 1:16 PM on January 3 [4 favorites]


Also: glass surfaces allow the director to show both the actor playing the professor and the words they are writing. This allows the audience to see the incomprehensible equations and the looks of deep concentration in one shot.

(This is similar to the reason that all computers in futuristic spaceships take voice commands.)
posted by suetanvil at 1:19 PM on January 3 [16 favorites]


Hi, I'm a pet bird in a movie. I will change species several times throughout the course of the film, without anyone noticing.
posted by tobascodagama at 1:20 PM on January 3 [58 favorites]


Hi, I am a cell phone in a horror film. It doesn't matter what carrier you use or how populous or well-appointed technologically the area you are in might be, I do not have a signal and you are mos def gonna get chased by a killer with no way to call for help.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 1:23 PM on January 3 [15 favorites]


I am the chief of police, and I DAMN WELL do not want any more of your hot-dogging on this case, detective! You WILL follow procedures, or I will have your badge on my desk in the morning! But....uh...if I didn't exactly KNOW what you were up to, and you did what needs to be done to catch the murderer, well, nobody would be any the wiser.
posted by briank at 1:25 PM on January 3 [26 favorites]


I would love to know who came up with the idea that everyone should write important shit on vertical panes of clear glass. I can’t think of too many better ways to make sure what you’re writing will be as illegible as possible.

It makes a lot of sense for chemists, at least, because they spend their working lives standing in front of fume hoods. Their entire workspace is made of eye-level panes of glass, which are convenient to write on.

Also why would you assume that it’s illegible? As long as the background is a fairly uniform pale colour, it’s no different from a whiteboard in any practical way.
posted by chappell, ambrose at 1:40 PM on January 3 [8 favorites]


"Hi, I'm the digital countdown clock on the bomb in a movie. There's no reason for me to be there as no-one will ever see me, but movie bomb makers are kind at heart and like to give audiences whatever help they can."

Related to my favourite: Hi, I'm the beautifully fully designed GUI that the genius hacker took time to build for his terrifically complex timemachine robot monster thing because I care about aesthetics and front end development, even if only for my own enjoyment.
posted by iamkimiam at 1:41 PM on January 3 [45 favorites]


Hi there - I'm the shy guy in the movie who is finally going to gather up enough courage to ask the cute girl in the movie that I've been pining over out on a date. We will both be excited by the possibility of our date, but the conversation will end and I will stumble on my way out of the scene before we agree on when it is happening, where we are meeting, or even doing something as simple as exchanging a phone number.
posted by nubs at 1:41 PM on January 3 [9 favorites]


The grad students here actually do use the glass (internal) windows in their office for calculations, but I think it's a sign of the crappy whiteboards/too small blackboards they have. Or maybe it's a protest that they have no external windows.

Me, I've got the fancy chalk. I should start looking for that as a prop in movies... sign of a good science consult.
posted by nat at 1:43 PM on January 3 [1 favorite]


Hi! I'm a young female mental health professional in a movie. I'm going to be sexually attracted to my male client, and while I may not have sex with him, I'm definitely not going to refer him to another therapist.
posted by ALeaflikeStructure at 1:46 PM on January 3 [14 favorites]


I'm the renegade cop that's getting too old for this shit. I've killed eight suspects in three days but I'm not on administrative duty. In fact, in the only one who can crack this case, so either fire me or get out of my way.
posted by spikeleemajortomdickandharryconnickjrmints at 1:49 PM on January 3 [18 favorites]


I'm a second banana detective that listens and nods while drinking coffee from a paper cup. Which is obviously empty.
posted by Splunge at 1:57 PM on January 3 [10 favorites]


Hi, I'm a programmer. Although my job has nothing to do with security, I can instantly revise any software security system to open and/or close doors in a high-security facility, no matter what language the security system was written in.
posted by treepour at 1:58 PM on January 3 [22 favorites]


Hi, I'm a lawyer. When I'm not wearing thousand dollar suits defending evil people in packed wooden courtroom, I'm in my absurdly large office not doing anything resembling legal research or drafting. Today I'm handling a divorce, tomorrow it'll be a contract dispute! I go home at 5, so I have plenty of time to fool around with the young public defender or DA that I'm fighting with in court!
posted by leotrotsky at 2:00 PM on January 3 [19 favorites]


Hey guys it's me, the ghost. I'm really good with electricity for some reason, especially radios. I didn't have learn this stuff, I guess I can just read your mind and figure out what would be spooky for you in any particular situation and then just make it happen.
posted by fleacircus at 2:01 PM on January 3 [23 favorites]


I'm a substitute teacher, which means I am an undercover cop or reporter or mercenary or anything but a certificated teacher employed by this district. Seriously, legitimate substitutes? Those don't exist.

Also, I'm gonna throw out the teacher's lesson plan. Granted, in real life it's more likely I'd show up and there'd be no fucking lesson plan at all, but why go with that when we can show how I'm an outlaw teacher making their own rules?

Oh, and regardless of being a sub or a regular teacher, if I'm in elementary school I only ever deal with life lessons and classroom management and not, y'know, reading or math. And if I'm in middle or high school I definitely only have one class all day.
posted by scaryblackdeath at 2:03 PM on January 3 [11 favorites]


Hi! I'm a guy at a bar. Gimme a beer. I have no ability to specify which type.
posted by leotrotsky at 2:04 PM on January 3 [61 favorites]




Hi, I talk on the phone to a lot of people, but I never say goodbye before I hang up.
posted by jeremias at 2:05 PM on January 3 [13 favorites]


Hi, I'm a blind person. I wave my arms around ridiculously, and stare straight ahead.
posted by Melismata at 2:06 PM on January 3 [4 favorites]


*picks up phone*

Yeah.

Uh huh.

I don't know why I didn't say "Hello," either.

*hangs up phone*
posted by leotrotsky at 2:08 PM on January 3 [20 favorites]


... and ten seconds later, “I’m not sure why I didn’t say goodbye either, come to think of it.”

Also: glass surfaces allow the director to show both the actor playing the professor and the words they are writing.

This. You’ve paid some A-list star 15 million bucks to do this; may as well get the face as visible as possible as often as possible. It’s in the same vein as, “Hi, I’m a masked superhero but during the climactic confrontation with the villain, we will both doff our masks,” or, “hi, I am astronaut who has at least three lights inside my helmet aimed squarely at my face.”

Now that I think about it, it is probably descended from the now-rarely seen, “hi, I’m a computer hacker whose CRT somehow projects code in luminescent green directly onto my face while I type.”
posted by ricochet biscuit at 2:09 PM on January 3 [15 favorites]


Hi, I'm an architect in a movie. I stand here staring out of my high-rise floor to ceiling glass. I spend my days looking out over the city while holding a mug of coffee. Unpaid interns built the impressive model on the table behind me.
posted by meinvt at 2:11 PM on January 3 [16 favorites]


Hi! I’m a plumber. I’m soon to be taking off my....
posted by njohnson23 at 2:11 PM on January 3 [8 favorites]


Hi, I'm the generic-looking woman with glasses and a medium hairdo working on a computer in the background until I suddenly appear at your elbow, looking nervous. "You should see this," I say, as the music moodifies, suddenly.
posted by snerson at 2:13 PM on January 3 [20 favorites]


Hello, I’m the MeFite who wishes she had seen this Twitter thread unfolding because she thinks she would have come up with a truly witty contribution but in reality probably wouldn’t have.
posted by trillian at 2:14 PM on January 3 [38 favorites]


Heyo, I'm a trans woman in a totally normal relationship without any drama and I have three kids. You'll never seen me in a movie.
posted by odinsdream at 2:22 PM on January 3 [74 favorites]


Hi, I'm the southerner who understands everything about how the world works and my simple sage advice will solve every problem, if uppity city folk would just stop and listen.
posted by The_Vegetables at 2:24 PM on January 3 [19 favorites]


Hi, I'm a person in a romantic comedy and I won't bother to communicate with the person I love, I'm going to assume something inaccurate and bad. I will fuck up the relationship based on my faulty assumption but not so much it's unsalvageable.
posted by Emmy Rae at 2:24 PM on January 3 [19 favorites]


briank: "I am the chief of police, and I DAMN WELL do not want any more of your hot-dogging on this case, detective!"

So I Married An Axe Murderer did a nice reverse of this trope.
posted by Chrysostom at 2:25 PM on January 3 [4 favorites]


I'm the common man that stands frozen in the middle of the street, looking horrified... Until Godzilla steps on me like Bambi.
posted by Splunge at 2:30 PM on January 3 [6 favorites]


I’m a high level corporate or government manager, probably wearing suspenders. If you need me, I’ll be in my office putting a golf ball into a styrofoam cup. Secretary, hold my calls.
posted by dephlogisticated at 2:31 PM on January 3 [7 favorites]


Also why would you assume that it’s illegible? As long as the background is a fairly uniform pale colour, it’s no different from a whiteboard in any practical way.

Because, invariably, in any movie or tv show or commercial, the glass is hanging in the middle of the room, with all manner of crap and people walking around on all sides. Also, lots of crappy office lighting.
posted by Thorzdad at 2:33 PM on January 3 [2 favorites]


Hi, I am one of three children from an average all-American suburban family. Every morning I awake to a fully-prepared breakfast banquet complete with eggs, toast, pancakes, and a glass carafe filled to the brim with freshly-squeezed orange juice. I will then proceed to take two small sips of juice while simultaneously trading barbs with an older sibling and then immediately be rushed out the door by a parent because I'm about to miss my school bus.
posted by Atom Eyes at 2:34 PM on January 3 [46 favorites]


I compiled a list a while back of hilariously atrocious university lectures in movies (I was thinking of making a supercut but never got around to it). My favorite was this one from The Oxford Murders. It's portentous gibberish! Just what do screenwriters think happens in university?

Broaden the category slightly to count high school lectures, and this one from The Happening might win, all for the surprise reveal of what the science teacher considers the "right answer."
posted by painquale at 2:35 PM on January 3 [9 favorites]


Hi, I am a stripper or a bartender at a strip club. When the police want to talk to me they absolutely must do it at the strip club at noon with bored strippers entertaining a nearly empty club in every shot.
posted by Emmy Rae at 2:40 PM on January 3 [35 favorites]


Hi, I'm the technical person who gets brought in for some very basic exposition only to be told to "speak English".
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 2:41 PM on January 3 [20 favorites]


Hello, I'm a journalist in a movie. I actually ask tough questions and put people on the spot.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 2:41 PM on January 3 [52 favorites]


Hi, I am one of three children from an average all-American suburban family. Every morning I awake to a fully-prepared breakfast banquet complete with eggs, toast, pancakes, and a glass carafe filled to the brim with freshly-squeezed orange juice. I will then proceed to take two small sips of juice while simultaneously trading barbs with an older sibling and then immediately be rushed out the door by a parent because I'm about to miss my school bus.

Hi. Can I . . . um . . . can I have your pancakes?
posted by The Bellman at 2:47 PM on January 3 [10 favorites]


Hi, I'm a professor in a movie. I'm male.

(Unless I'm in Crazy Rich Asians, and then I get to be female, give all my lectures like they're TED talks with awe-inspiring AV equipment that works perfectly, and never actually check my work email even once over the span of multiple days.)
posted by BlueBlueElectricBlue at 2:49 PM on January 3 [15 favorites]


Hallo, i am a female architect in a movie. I will insist on looking ridiculous in a high heels and a hard hat on site, wile rough but good natured builders catcall me, but i am the stuck up bitch that does not smile to them.
I will then try to seduce the master of the MacMansion i am building.
posted by thegirlwiththehat at 2:49 PM on January 3 [3 favorites]


Hi, I’m the leader of a small group of criminals who are about to pull off a heist. Right now, we are all in an unmarked white van parked across the street from the bank that we are going to rob. We are literally seconds away from bursting out of the van to begin the heist, and so now I am going to tell each of my underlings what their specific role in the heist is, because evidently we never once went over any of this stuff before. (Or alternately, we did discuss this previously, but I just feel the need to give a brief summary of the main points, just in case).

“OK. Here's the plan.....”
posted by obscure simpsons reference at 2:55 PM on January 3 [12 favorites]


Hi, I'm a flight controller in a movie. I always make sure to clap and cheer at every good thing that happens instead of doing my actual job. Everyone knows that nothing bad happens when we are in radio contact.
posted by BeeDo at 3:05 PM on January 3 [3 favorites]


Hi, I'm the average schmoe who gets bitten by a radioactive spider and wakes up the next day with nothing different about me except for a really nasty bug bite that I should probably go get checked.
posted by nubs at 3:06 PM on January 3 [6 favorites]


hi i'm ....
SUDDENLY A WILD SOUNDCLOUD LINK APPEARS!
posted by capnsue at 3:15 PM on January 3 [1 favorite]


This is why I'm always a little confused about people saying X isn't realistically portrayed in TV and movies. What is?

Hi, I'm a person in a romantic comedy and I won't bother to communicate with the person I love, I'm going to assume something inaccurate and bad. I will fuck up the relationship based on my faulty assumption but not so much it's unsalvageable.


Except this. This is the most accurate thing here.
posted by bongo_x at 3:16 PM on January 3 [7 favorites]


Hi, I'm a lawyer. When I'm not wearing thousand dollar suits defending evil people in packed wooden courtroom, I'm in my absurdly large office not doing anything resembling legal research or drafting. Today I'm handling a divorce, tomorrow it'll be a contract dispute! I go home at 5, so I have plenty of time to fool around with the young public defender or DA that I'm fighting with in court!

This one particularly bugs me in "The Good Wife," which is otherwise a far-better-than-average legal show (funny about as often as it's dramatic, win-some-lose-some records, actual legal knowledge on display, with realistic external factors, etc.)

Alicia, Carey, Will, and Diane seem to have no particular area of practice, just taking whatever from week to week (Mergers & Acquisitions, Murder defense, Copyright, Slander, etc.) Drives me batty.
posted by Navelgazer at 3:24 PM on January 3 [8 favorites]


Hi, I'm the food in a restaurant scene. Nobody will eat me. :(
posted by grumpybear69 at 3:25 PM on January 3 [16 favorites]


Hi, I’m an engineer. I’ve solved a half-dozen AI-hard problems in my spare time, and instead of publishing my work or even exploiting it to get rich on the stock market, I’m just using it to control my smart home.
posted by haltingproblemsolved at 3:31 PM on January 3 [13 favorites]


I'm a hacker in a movie. I'm gonna... Wait, you've all heard this one?

Are you going to enhance?
posted by sexyrobot at 3:35 PM on January 3 [17 favorites]


My favorite was this one yt from The Oxford Murders.

The writing was nonsensical but I was pleased to see vintage-1978 Aragorn talking to 21st-century Frodo.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 3:37 PM on January 3 [2 favorites]


Hi, I'm the food in a restaurant scene. Nobody will eat me. :(

Fun fact: if you have to actually eat on camera they have to pay you three times as much. It's considered hazard pay.

Hello, I'm in a commercial. I had to say YUM! after shoving flaming hot pizza into my mouth. 800 times.
posted by sexyrobot at 3:38 PM on January 3 [17 favorites]


Hi, I’m a Necromancer, which means I’m going to dress up in ridiculous robes, wave around a skull-topped staff, and read out of gigantic crumbling tomes, even though this is the 21st C, jeans and a hoodie are comfortable and easy to clean, and we get our grimoires as ebooks these days. I mean, it’s not like the Damned Lords of Fire and Eternal Night that Lurk Ceaselessly Beyond the Gates care what I’m wearing or the brittle age of my reference materials. We do like skull-topped staffs, though, mostly for home use, because, while it’s embarrassing, they are so Old School kitch, who can resist?
posted by GenjiandProust at 3:40 PM on January 3 [15 favorites]


Hi, I'm a musician in a club. Hurry up and ask your questions, because I'm totally going on stage about 5 minutes after I finish tuning this guitar, and I'm not just going to sit around backstage for an hour and a half drinking beer while other bands perform.

Also, the beer does not represent the sum total of my compensation.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 3:47 PM on January 3 [8 favorites]


Hi, I'm Lucy Lawless, and every time I enter a room during my fight against a swarm of giant locusts, people try to stop me, but I whip out my badge, yell "USDA", and come in anyway. [Okay, it's not a trope to you, but here at the USDA we re-enact it every time we go through a door]
posted by acrasis at 3:49 PM on January 3 [25 favorites]


Hi, I'm the food in a restaurant scene. Nobody will eat me. :(
posted by grumpybear69


No, but we will poke you and push you around while killing three bottles of wine.
posted by Splunge at 3:53 PM on January 3 [2 favorites]


Hello there, and pardon me, but you cannot park here because I am The Protagonist's Always Convenient Parking Spot in the Busy City. Move on.
posted by svenvog at 3:53 PM on January 3 [24 favorites]


Hi, I'm Lucy Lawless

Anything written after these four words is immaterial, I'm onboard.
posted by maxwelton at 4:06 PM on January 3 [20 favorites]


Or alternately, we did discuss this previously, but I just feel the need to give a brief summary of the main points, just in case.

Considering the stakes, it would actually make sense to me for professional criminals to have the same checklist culture as professional airline pilots and Japanese train crews.
posted by tobascodagama at 4:14 PM on January 3 [16 favorites]


Hi, I work in a restaurant in a movie, and it's policy that we just let anybody walk into the kitchen. Especially if they're looking for a back way out of the restaurant.
posted by 23skidoo at 4:20 PM on January 3 [10 favorites]


Hello, I’m a library in an action film. Public, school, higher ed, rare book, archives, it doesn’t matter. A few seconds the protagonists enter at a run, — ARGH!!![sound of shelving collapsing as pricey/priceless materials are irrevocably crunched]
posted by mollymillions at 4:39 PM on January 3 [2 favorites]


Hi, I'm a nerd sitting in front of a computer. I could be a sysadmin, a coder, a JIRA wrangler, who knows? I look vaguely nerdy. You're gonna come up to me with a USB stick and demand that I "break the encryption" under some dire timeline. Despite the fact that for everything professionally encrypted after 1998 this is most likely a ridiculous idea, I will respond with "I need 3 days" and you will say "You have 2 hours" and we will both nod in agreement under the weight of the circumstances. I will give it to you in 1 hour, 30 minutes. You will smile a bit, having defeated a nerd with commands.
posted by gorestainedrunes at 4:45 PM on January 3 [26 favorites]


> My favorite was Hi, I'm a mother in a movie. *dies*

um hi that was me
posted by The corpse in the library at 4:51 PM on January 3 [33 favorites]


Hi, I talk on the phone to a lot of people, but I never say goodbye before I hang up.

And I start moving the receiver away from my face and hanging it up while I'm still in the middle of my last sentence, but the person on the other end still magically knows what I said.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 4:51 PM on January 3


Hi. I'm a Manhattan alley. There's only a few of us on the whole dang island. We see sooooo much action.
posted by kokaku at 4:54 PM on January 3 [12 favorites]


Hi. I’m a member of the clergy. I spend all day in the sanctuary wearing my finest vestments while lighting candles, even though it is 3:00 p.m. on a Tuesday.
posted by 4ster at 4:54 PM on January 3 [33 favorites]


Hi, I'm the villain. I always deliver a speech before I kill you. Heh heh heh! Except my didactic/diatribe/narcissistic expository habits invariably give you enough time to maneuver around and kill me. Boo.
posted by Armed Only With Hubris at 4:58 PM on January 3 [5 favorites]


Hola, I'm a Spanish-speaker with a college level English vocabulary, but somehow never learned how to say 'hola', 'sí', 'amigo' or 'señor' in English.
posted by signal at 5:08 PM on January 3 [31 favorites]


Hi, I'm a regular working class teenager, just like you. My family lives in an enormous multimillion dollar house in the richest neighborhood in the city, and the objects in my bedroom cost more than everything your family owns put together, but I go to a racuous public high school filled with people from diverse socioeconomic backgrounds.
posted by hyperbolic at 5:11 PM on January 3 [26 favorites]


Hi, I’m the girl who ran away from home when I was 15. Been runnin’ ever since.
posted by SNACKeR at 5:14 PM on January 3 [7 favorites]


Hi, I’m the best friend of the female lead. I’ll just be over here, smoking cigarettes, cracking wise and drinking Chardonnay.
posted by valkane at 5:16 PM on January 3 [7 favorites]


Hi, I'm an evil spirit! I am stuck in this pre-teen girl. At random intervals I will perform sudden and mystifying mad-skill body contortions, defy gravity and physics, and other tmi stuff better left unsaid. I laugh at the feeble attempts by established clergy of various religions to expunge me, but am utterly powerless against the younger, slightly rebellious, stubbled but oh so cute, member of a little known off-shoot of some major religion who was having a crisis of faith. I am forced to leave my host by said religious dude and the girl I inhabited returns to her normal self (who immediately cries out "mommy"). I am obviously defeated, until further exposition shows that things may actually be worse then when things started, and if you read the sub-text carefully I may or may not have a crush on young religious dude.
posted by forforf at 5:20 PM on January 3 [5 favorites]


Oh hey I'm a grocer in a bustling marketplace! I spend my life in a perpetual state of hollering at people over the cost of tubers, but right this moment I hear a commotion coming so I'm just going to have to abandon my stall in the middle of the day to stroll this heaping cart of produce and chickens in flimsy cages to the other side of the uh... wha- HEY! MY CABBAGES!
posted by Phobos the Space Potato at 5:21 PM on January 3 [12 favorites]


Excuse me, I’m one of a team of people who has to carry improbably large paintings and sheets of glass across city streets for no discernible purpose.
posted by GenjiandProust at 5:24 PM on January 3 [33 favorites]


Hi, I'm the dog walker with a pack of 6 perfectly bred animals, and in this episode I'm going to let one get out of control, run away and find that half decayed arm to chew on. Then, I get to properly freak the heck out before the camera pans up and away. I won't be in any more of this, but you'd better believe there will be 6 forensic interns sifting through every square inch of the spot ahead of the perpetually late lead detectives when the camera fades in...
posted by Nanukthedog at 5:24 PM on January 3 [2 favorites]


Hi, I'm a General Contact Unit from the Culture, a loose confederation of more or less human communist space hippies and the machine intelligences that keep them from *too* many disasters! I don't have a show because mine seems stuck in development hell.
posted by GCU Sweet and Full of Grace at 5:25 PM on January 3 [22 favorites]


I'm a kid. I am wise beyond my years and my purpose in life is to remind adults when they forget what really matters.
posted by hoist with his own pet aardvark at 5:26 PM on January 3 [13 favorites]


I'm a hacker in a movie. I'm gonna... Wait, you've all heard this one?

Are you going to enhance?


He needs to zoom in first.
posted by Ender's Friend at 5:28 PM on January 3 [5 favorites]


Hi, I'm the generic tech support person who can, of course, fill you in on how all-the-tech-stuff works in under 60 seconds, as well as make ominous equations appear rapid-fire on my monitor with a press of a single key.
posted by Annabelle74 at 5:28 PM on January 3 [1 favorite]


I'm an archivist, and the only time you'll see dust around here is when I'm removing it from the items just donated, which were kept by the donor in a chicken coop/barn/sub-basement/sunny room. And yes, I must be cis-male because HEAVEN FORFEND OTHERWISE.
posted by datawrangler at 5:37 PM on January 3 [3 favorites]


I'm a night watchman. I'll be getting hit over the head by either bad guys or good guys -- whoever needs to gain access to whatever I'm night watching.
posted by philip-random at 5:39 PM on January 3 [14 favorites]


Hi, I'm the beautiful torch singer at the night club. I have to do my show now which consists of singing one song, then I'm done and we can talk.
posted by charlesminus at 5:39 PM on January 3 [27 favorites]


Hi, I'm the black-clad community college film student fidgeting in my seat as my professors wait for my final project to start.

Hi, I'm the sweaty-browed shirtless man at the end of a self-referential psychological thriller staring wide-eyed into the maw of a gory implement of death as I realize the horror of what I've done.

Hi, I'm the harmlessly and adorably surreal one-note comedy relief character in a plaid short-sleeve button-down shirt who makes three appearances to deliver my joke, with my first being an introduction to the punchline, the second being an escalation, and the third being an inversion. I appear again at the end, a fourth time, to either be comically thwarted or have my love interest fulfilled in the feminine protagonist's sidekick.

> My favorite was Hi, I'm a mother in a movie. *dies*

um hi that was me
posted by The corpse in the library at 8:51 AM on January 4 [+] [!]


M...mom? Mom!

Hi! I'm a guy at a bar. Gimme a beer. I have no ability to specify which type.
posted by leotrotsky at 6:04 AM on January 4 [19 favorites +] [!]


Mom!!! I'm sorry, it's just that she had your odor of leather and stale beer...

I'm the renegade cop that's getting too old for this shit. I've killed eight suspects in three days but I'm not on administrative duty. In fact, in the only one who can crack this case, so either fire me or get out of my way.
posted by spikeleemajortomdickandharryconnickjrmints at 5:49 AM on January 4 [8 favorites +] [!]


Mom!!!! I'm sorry, but you dress and talk the same way she did when it was time for us to play dress-up...and she...always managed to "crack" my "case" if you know what I mean...

Oh geeze, I'm the Minnesotan in a movie. I'm uptight and quiet, dontchaknow, and my funny accent hides my down-home common sense. Also, since there aren't that many movies with Minnesotans, there's a good chance I'm either getting shoved into a wood chipper or doing the shoving
posted by the phlegmatic king at 5:14 AM on January 4 [15 favorites +] [!]


*hums first few bars of chorus to "I'm My Own Grandpa", Minnesotan in a long dark green trenchcoat next to me at the bar instinctively finishes the chorus* Mom!!!!!!!!! I smell her on your hunting coat, where is she, dammit! *"I'm My Own Grandpa" tinkles on a child's wind-up music box as you laugh maniacally and a the glint of a woodchipper appears in your eye as you say "She's gone donchano! She's mulch for the rutabaga now! Taters for the hotdish now, kiddo! Know why? Because you're my son, and my father!" *you pull out a newspaper clipping of mom winning the Nobel Prize for inventing a time machine, and I am shocked, followed by a faded polaroid of infant me sitting atop it, dateable to 20 years earlier, and you in the background in a long dark green trenchcoat, your eyes red from the photo flash* "She was your mother! The library was no movie set! I tried to tell you she was a monster, but you snapped! You couldn't take it! You killed her, but you couldn't bear to be without her, so you rode her invention back, and that's when you...well, you loved her in more ways that one, kiddo! And she made you do it! It's a time loop, you see? I had to stop it! The universe was collapsing! So I waited, until one day when she was mulching, and I pushed her in! You betcha!"

CUT TO maw of gory implement of death. It's a wood chipper. I'm holding the long dark green trenchcoat. PULL BACK to reveal bloody snow. I put on the trenchcoat to fight the chill, both of the weather and the full realization of what I've done. CLOSE ON my pupil as it dilates. I begin panting in agony. I turn the woodchipper up to the highest setting and insert my head. CUT TO BLACK before I scream.

EDIT:

IN MEMORY OF GRANDPA JAKE

THE END
posted by saysthis at 5:43 PM on January 3 [7 favorites]


Hello, I am an alien woman from another world. Our species is ancient, as is our way of life, which has never changed until you came long. Our appearance is quite similar to your own, which neither you nor I consider worth noting, and our sexual organs are more or less compatible. Despite the ample evidence of our sophistication, we do not understand such basic human concepts as love. What is... love? You must show me. It's a good thing I happen to be conventionally attractive by the standards of your time.
posted by hyperbolic at 5:54 PM on January 3 [18 favorites]


DIRECTOR'S CUT ALTERNATE ENDING:

CUT TO maw of gory implement of death. It's a wood chipper. I'm holding the long dark green trenchcoat. PULL BACK to reveal bloody snow. I put on the trenchcoat to fight the chill, both of the weather and the full realization of what I've done. CLOSE ON my pupil as it dilates. I begin panting in agony. I turn the woodchipper up to the highest setting and insert my hand, the hand that pleasured her, that wrought you, that tipped the lever on the time machine, the damnable hand responsible for everything. CUT TO BLACK before I scream.

FADE IN on me, dead in the snow, from shock, my shoulder and most of my arm missing. SLOW PAN across trail of blood across the snow...to an arm, trailing viscera, as the hand tries to crawl away through the deep snow.

CUT TO BLACK, ROLL CREDITS
posted by saysthis at 5:54 PM on January 3 [2 favorites]


Hello, you probably didn’t see me here. I am an empty chair in a classroom: my role is not to signal that not every class has the same number of students but rather that the artsy teenager we met in the first real is now dead. Sorry.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 6:07 PM on January 3 [19 favorites]


I'm the fire alarm puller or hacker that magically sets of all the sprinkler heads in a building
...
even though an alarm is only ever wired to a bell system and / or warning panel and completely unrelated to the sprinklers which are their own independent, purely mechanical system of pipes and heads that can only be physical set off when and where a head is broken (by excessive heat exploding the plug or physical impact breaking it (they aren't fucking valves and not hooked up to any electronics because why the fuck would they be)) and the water that comes out is initially is black and comes out with sufficient pressure to strip plaster off the walls.
posted by phoque at 6:21 PM on January 3 [15 favorites]


Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 6:26 PM on January 3 [38 favorites]


Hi, I'm an analytical chemist. Your "rush" sample is tested instantly, because I admire you, (sexually), and also our machines are always ready to go and do not need warmup, setup, positive or negative controls, system suitability standards, or any kind of linearity curve for quantitation. I document nothing. No one doublechecks my work. Oh, and the lab is lit entirely with blue lights and all our data-handling systems communicate with each other seamlessly and instantly.

Granted, the glass windows on the fume hood are covered with sharpie writing.

I think most movies are dumb, yes, how did you know?
posted by Vatnesine at 6:27 PM on January 3 [14 favorites]


I'm a chef on a food show. I handle raw meat with my hands and proceed to touch all kinds of other things without washing my meaty hands - like the pepper grinder, and the bowl of salt from which I just get a pinch or two.
posted by bunderful at 6:28 PM on January 3 [11 favorites]


I'm autistic, so I'm going to recite uninteresting trivia in a toneless voice while being oblivious to my surroundings, totally humourless and incapable of independent living. Sometimes I'm the serial killer because mental health issues are scary.
posted by b33j at 6:30 PM on January 3 [17 favorites]


Okay but one thing I have seen mentioned in far too many stupid buzzfeed listicles and similar is this whole gripe about "where do the couples get L shaped sheets so that the man is covered to his belly but the woman is covered to her armpits???" I'll tell you where. They are regular sheets. She pulled the sheets up to her armpits. He pulled the sheets up to his belly. That's where.
posted by Emmy Rae at 6:33 PM on January 3 [8 favorites]


I'm a woman over 40. I'm the mother to 35 yr old actors and the wife to 75 yr old actors. I sigh and drink wine. Sometimes I get to fold sheets.
posted by taterpie at 6:56 PM on January 3 [42 favorites]


Hello, I'm a woman scientist who works in jungles in a movie! I usually wear perfect makeup, tank tops, and shorts. Sometimes I wear heels. When my clothes rip, they expose my abs, but never scratches or bug bites. An enormous gorilla who is my dearest friend is hidden in a cave.
posted by ChuraChura at 6:59 PM on January 3 [20 favorites]


I'm the tweeter who said I was the two guys who have a crucial conversation at the urinals.

(Because I just can't believe you guys really do that.)

I also should add:
I'm the shopper who comes home with only one bag of groceries (two tops, if I have a car), and the bag is made of some abnormally crisp paper.

And I bring it home to an abnormally clean, tidy home, even if I have a huge family, or to a spacious apartment, even if I'm a poor single person.

Earlier I saw another thread branch off from this that mostly dealt with writer cliches. And if I were in a movie, I could find that thread after two seconds of research.
posted by NorthernLite at 7:03 PM on January 3 [7 favorites]


Is there a baguette, or possibly some leafy celery, sticking out of that abnormally crisp bag?
posted by condour75 at 7:09 PM on January 3 [29 favorites]


Hello, I'm your overfilled grocery bag, with several items sticking out of my top. Looks like celery and baguette for dinner again!
posted by theory at 7:10 PM on January 3 [23 favorites]


I bet those bags have celery and a bague.... dammit dammit dammit.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 7:12 PM on January 3 [30 favorites]


Hi, I'm a queen in a film about the monarchy. I yearn for passionate romance, yet will sacrifice my desires out of love for my country. Before that, though, I will get it on with a hot courtier, in a scene that no member of my court will ever gossip about to the nearest ambassador from a hostile country.
posted by thomas j wise at 7:21 PM on January 3 [9 favorites]


I'm having my celery on a baguette with some No Name beer. Unless, of course, it's Product Placement, in which case I will carefully aim that can at the Fourth Wall.

Or maybe I'll just drink juice or milk straight from the container while standing in front of the open fridge.
posted by NorthernLite at 7:29 PM on January 3 [7 favorites]


Hi. I'm a microphone on a TV show. Even though I'm not a wireless microphone, I'm obviously not plugged into anything. Sometimes, I'll have an inch or two of cable dangling off me as if it's an antenna.

Heya. I'm a piece of lighting or sound equipment in a movie. There are a large number of connectors visible on the my backside, but nothing is plugged into any of them, including the power plug. I still work.
posted by zachlipton at 7:35 PM on January 3 [4 favorites]


And as I'm standing there drinking, I'll realize it's YOU, YOU, that I love, and I'll run several city blocks in the rain to tell you.
posted by NorthernLite at 7:35 PM on January 3 [5 favorites]


I am the city at night. You are exiting a building for a brisk walk or perhaps to jump in a car. It must have just finished raining, like only minutes ago, because my streets are quite wet -- but somehow nothing else is.

I guess you timed your excursion well and double-checked the radar before setting out, noting that most of the significant precipitation has already moved to the east with rapid clearing behind the departing line of showers and a few embedded thunderstorms. Because I see you didn't bring an umbrella or rain jacket.
posted by theory at 7:55 PM on January 3 [6 favorites]


Hi! I am the lead character, and I am just went to the grocery store. You can tell because I am carrying 2 brown paper grocery bags with a big green leafy salad type thing sticking out of the top of one, and possibly a baguette.
posted by BozoBurgerBonanza at 7:58 PM on January 3 [2 favorites]


Hi, I am a woman bystander to a protracted fight between my husband and a home invader who startled us by breaking through the door as we were peacefully eating our usual slices of chocolate cake at midnight. Just before the intruder throttles my man, I bash him on the head with a frying pan, then reel back in astonishment that I had it in me to knock someone unconscious because, let's face it, that's guy stuff. If a frying pan or devastating vase is not handy, no problem - even a half cup of hot coffee can completely immobilize a six-foot-five 220 pound assassin bounding across the kitchen. And a nut shot? Forget about it! Out like a light for as long the ensuing dialog takes with time to spare for our escape or to call the police who arrive in under five minutes.
I may also be the protagonist's estranged buddy who went off in the second reel, hopefully long enough to be forgotten. I will surely re-appear and sneak up just as the villain has my friend by the neck, hanging over a ledge, and about to lose a tug of war over a knife. Most likely all I have to do is brandish a weapon and say "it's over...leave my friend alone...drop it!" Protagonist looks up with amazement that I have forgiven our earlier misunderstanding.
posted by AppleSeed at 8:02 PM on January 3 [5 favorites]




I am a nerd girl. Everyone will hate me until I lose 20 pounds and the glasses and get a giant makeover.
posted by jenfullmoon at 8:06 PM on January 3 [8 favorites]


I love this thread so much! Thank y'all!
posted by maupuia at 8:09 PM on January 3 [3 favorites]


Hi, I'm that guy sitting alone beside you at the bar. Sure, you can offer to buy me a drink. I may or may not accept it, but regardless, I'll soon be telling you something cryptic, which will cause you to reconsider the dilemma a stranger apparently understands better than you.
posted by davebush at 8:10 PM on January 3 [9 favorites]


Hi. I'm here to fix the cable, ma'am.
posted by RobotHero at 8:21 PM on January 3 [3 favorites]


Hello, I am the freshman philosophy student sitting in the front row of the class, with thick rimmed black glasses, a scruff of beard and a culturally appropriative hat. My presence means that this 101 class on Descartes and the history of western philosophy will proceed at a tenth the speed it should, since my preternatural insight means I am easily able to dismantle these specious arguments. It is definitely my insight, not that the arguments are hundreds of years old and only being quickly taught to give everyone some comparative grounding.
posted by Jon Mitchell at 8:22 PM on January 3 [6 favorites]


hi! I'm a hacker in a movie! I'm breaking through your firewall and NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NOOOOOOOOOO!
posted by gorbichov at 8:22 PM on January 3 [6 favorites]


All of my grocery-bag-with-celery associations have been perverted by Art Frahm [warning: cheesecake pin-ups].
posted by dephlogisticated at 8:35 PM on January 3 [7 favorites]


Hi, I am a driven account rep or "creative" at a top downtown advertising agency who came up on the wrong side of the tracks. I spend a lot of time "going for danish" and chatting with colleagues about anything but work, oblivious to the longing glances of nerd girl admin (see above). There is the occasional board room pitch session that is slightly clever at best, but received with furrowed brows and head nodding at my brilliant concept for hawking cosmetic soap. After missing my son in the school show, I promised nothing would keep me away from his birthday party. Wouldn't you know it, that's the day the big boss decides to reward my striving with that big new client we've been fishing for! I come home so late the kid has already gone to bed. I noiselessly open the door, click off the light, and tussle his hair as my wife glowers at me just prior to announcing she's leaving after this last straw of horrid, borderline abusive parenting that will take the rest of the film to make up for, if ever. Either way, I blow the account and get fired, only to realize I don't really want that mid-six figure salary. Nerd girl gets lasik and teaches me how to truly live and be happy. THE END.
posted by AppleSeed at 8:47 PM on January 3 [1 favorite]


Hi, I'm typing something up while you watch my computer screen. I type letters at precise .3 second intervals and never, ever, press backspace. My computer may or may not have a cursor.
posted by How much is that froggie in the window at 8:51 PM on January 3 [8 favorites]


My presence means that this 101 class on Descartes and the history of western philosophy will proceed at a tenth the speed it should...

Ok, but I've definitely had classes with this guy.
posted by tobascodagama at 8:53 PM on January 3 [12 favorites]


Hi. I'm a microphone on a TV show. Even though I'm not a wireless microphone, I'm obviously not plugged into anything. Sometimes, I'll have an inch or two of cable dangling off me as if it's an antenna.

Wait, aren’t you also the microphone that suddenly emits a screech of feedback whenever anyone (particularly an authority figure) less cool than the hero steps up to use it?
posted by ricochet biscuit at 9:07 PM on January 3 [22 favorites]


Hi! I’m the bride! After wrangling my five single, feisty bridesmaids into caring about my wedding and not their own personal problems while simultaneously creating then resolving problems with my in-laws, I proceed to fall in love with the best man. The original groom was an attractive placeholder with good teeth. The best man was obviously my soul mate all along. He owns a sailboat.
posted by slateyness at 9:16 PM on January 3 [7 favorites]


Hi there, I home school my kids. Someone is gonna pay.
posted by baseballpajamas at 9:19 PM on January 3 [1 favorite]


Hiya! I'm a kid off on an amazing adventure that no pesky responsible parent would ever allow. Conveniently I'm also an orphan.
posted by AppleSeed at 9:45 PM on January 3 [2 favorites]


Hi, I'm typing something up while you watch my computer screen. I type letters at precise .3 second intervals and never, ever, press backspace. My computer may or may not have a cursor.

One of the things Searching has going for it is that it is not like this.
posted by Pruitt-Igoe at 9:52 PM on January 3 [3 favorites]


I am a rock. I am an island.
posted by oneswellfoop at 10:12 PM on January 3 [6 favorites]


Hey! I'm the club DJ who limits my music to about 60 decibels so you can have a conversation without needing to shout at all. And if you're standing over by the bar you can barely hear the music at all.

Also I only play tracks that sound like they're from maybe 7 years ago because I don't know what the kids are listening to these days.
posted by theory at 10:20 PM on January 3 [11 favorites]


You might also be interested to know that the club owner consulted with the same acoustician who helped all the hottest restaurants in town to lower their ambient noise levels down to a barely perceptible background hum.
posted by theory at 10:24 PM on January 3 [7 favorites]


Hi. I'm a car. Car keys? What are car keys?
posted by sexyrobot at 10:42 PM on January 3


Hi. I'm a microphone on a TV show. Even though I'm not a wireless microphone, I'm obviously not plugged into anything. Sometimes, I'll have an inch or two of cable dangling off me as if it's an antenna.

Wait, aren’t you also the microphone that suddenly emits a screech of feedback whenever anyone (particularly an authority figure) less cool than the hero steps up to use it?


They feedback randomly, yet sound perfectly fine and consistent even though the person is talking into the wrong side and moving around randomly off the mic.
posted by bongo_x at 10:53 PM on January 3 [1 favorite]


Hi, I'm the Australian character. I don't really fit in, despite being an attractive, healthy young adult with blond(e) hair. None the less, you find my spunkiness and naivety endearing!
posted by Joe in Australia at 11:52 PM on January 3 [9 favorites]


Hi Joe! I'm that extremely rare character - your New Zealand neighbour. I'm here to be the butt of your sheep jokes and played with a really bad accent.
posted by maupuia at 12:09 AM on January 4 [7 favorites]


Hi! I'm kind of relieved you're not playing the Australian character tbh.
posted by Joe in Australia at 12:21 AM on January 4 [18 favorites]


Hi, I'm a Wikipedia editor. I'm obsessed with minute facts about obscure topics and really quite obnoxious and mentally ill. While my peers are out there dating and having fun, I'm hunting down sources on Danish assyriologists.
posted by Vesihiisi at 12:42 AM on January 4 [1 favorite]


Hi. I'm a Manhattan alley. There's only a few of us on the whole dang island. We see sooooo much action.

There's at least one other L-shaped street in Manhattan, and I'm surprised the SoutingNY guy missed it, as it's been used somewhat famously before.
posted by Navelgazer at 1:41 AM on January 4 [3 favorites]


Hi, I'm a repo man. My life is always intense.
posted by chavenet at 2:24 AM on January 4 [1 favorite]


Hi.

I am the female protagonist in a crime novel.

I have functional deep pockets on all my clothes.
posted by Faintdreams at 3:33 AM on January 4 [14 favorites]


Hi, I’m a garden. I have flowers blooming in me that don’t bloom at the same time of year.

Hi, I’m a lab. I don’t have adequate lighting and the people working in me wear lab coats of improbable cleanliness. They also don’t know how to hold pipetors.

Hi, I’m Connecticut but I have the flora and fauna of the Vancouver area.

Hi, I’m Korean War era Korea but I look an awful lot like a part of California.
posted by sciencegeek at 4:22 AM on January 4 [11 favorites]


Car keys? What are car keys?

They are those things you store above the driver’s side sun visor, right?
posted by GenjiandProust at 4:24 AM on January 4 [8 favorites]


Hi, I'm an astronomer in a movie. For some reason, I am wearing a lab coat as I physically look through the eyepiece of this telescope. During the day. If I am male, I will then dispassionately inform you that all life on earth is doomed. In the unlikely event that I am female, I apparently got my PhD at the age of 18 and we will soon be in love.
posted by kyrademon at 5:06 AM on January 4 [5 favorites]


Hi, I'm a guitarist in a movie. For some reason, the sounds my guitar makes bear no relation to the positions of my fingers on the guitar. I'd find it frustrating except that it sounds way better than anything I could actually play.
posted by Daily Alice at 5:13 AM on January 4 [7 favorites]


Hi, I’m Korean War era Korea but I look an awful lot like a part of California.

And the story I'm telling is actually about Vietnam.
posted by tobascodagama at 5:21 AM on January 4 [9 favorites]


Hi, I'm a young movie director, overly enthusiastic and naive, given to making big statements about art, symbols, characterization and reality. I also frequently like to look at the world through a little rectangle I make connecting my index fingers and thumbs. I'll lose my high ideals thanks in part to my friend over there, the absurdly wealthy Hollywood producer who's more than a bit ridiculous and vain and speaks almost entirely in cliches and tells me how I'm out of touch with the common man. I'd introduce you to him, but he's busy on the phone right now talking to an agent. They're casting for their next blockbuster and need a big name actor to play a professor...
posted by gusottertrout at 5:22 AM on January 4 [2 favorites]


Hi, I'm the bisexual character in a piece of crime fiction (there's never more than one, and I'm the only character whose sexuality is made explicit). I'll either become a victim or turn out to be the killer. In the latter case, I've probably become a killer by being victimised when I was a child.
posted by rjs at 5:38 AM on January 4 [2 favorites]


Hi, I'm the shop's resident cat in a movie. I'm always perched by the merch, never hiding, never distracted, and never ever licking my nethers. I am completely uninterested in the dangly bits of the protagonist's scarf when she bends down to pet me, and none of the customers are sneezing.
posted by Westringia F. at 5:56 AM on January 4 [14 favorites]


Yo. I'm your friend from New Jersey in a movie. Even thought the 80s are long gone, I got giant hair, a big gold cross pendant, a spray tan, and my entire wardrobe is black, animal print, or both. You used to be just like me until you went to that fancy college. Shaddup. You know I'm right.

I sound like I'm from LawnGyland. My walls have pictures of Frank Sinatra, Bruce Springsteen and Jesus intermingled with the ones of my numerous relatives. I don't know how to pump gas because I've never driven to any other state.

But I know a guy who can help you with that problem you're having.
posted by kimberussell at 6:41 AM on January 4 [11 favorites]


Hello, I'm a librarian in a movie. I wear a respectable cardigan twin set, two inch heels, cat eye glasses, and an expression of disinterest. My hair's in a bun but it will be dramatically taken down (and my glasses off) when I meet you after hours in the stacks.

To be fair, one the last librarians we saw in a movie was played by Ann Dowd (with a bun indeed) and the real-life person the character is based on seems very pleased with the result (and she gets to say the last line).
posted by elgilito at 6:49 AM on January 4


I'm a fencer in a movie, entirely to show something about my wealth and/ or social class. My stance and gear are at least twenty years out of date. Neither my sparring partner or I are actually any good.
posted by stillnocturnal at 6:58 AM on January 4 [5 favorites]


Hi, I'm a graduate student in the biosciences and I have a life outside of lab and possibly even a tan.

Hi, I'm a graphic designer.
Hi, I'm also a graphic designer.
O Hi, I'm a graphic designer.
posted by sciencegeek at 7:00 AM on January 4 [2 favorites]


I'm your cop partner who is on the take. All you had to do was to turn around, just look away, for fifteen goddam minutes, and it would have all worked out!
posted by Chitownfats at 7:18 AM on January 4 [4 favorites]


Hello, I'm a deranged murder. You can tell because despite being a hairy, burly man, I am wearing a dress and high heels.

(I really hate this stupid, lazy trope.)
posted by suetanvil at 7:20 AM on January 4 [3 favorites]


This is all very funny, but I wonder if the use of cliches is cinematic shorthand that makes movies possible in the first place. The world is complicated and portraying everyone and everything realistically might make for a slow movie.

Also, I'm a dog. Don't worry about me, I'll be saved at the last second.
posted by SPrintF at 8:09 AM on January 4 [8 favorites]


Conveniently I'm also an orphan.

but trust that I will eventually discover my father was a great man, and that I am destined for great things indeed
posted by philip-random at 8:13 AM on January 4 [2 favorites]


Hello. I am a woman scientist, or explorer, or tomb raider. Perhaps I am in a role in a prior century, or even in a prehistoric time. Note that my armpits are shaved and I seem to have been able to shampoo my hair this morning.
posted by Midnight Skulker at 8:21 AM on January 4 [7 favorites]


Hi, I'm the shop's resident cat in a movie. I'm always perched by the merch, never hiding, never distracted, and never ever licking my nethers. I am completely uninterested in the dangly bits of the protagonist's scarf when she bends down to pet me, and none of the customers are sneezing.

The cat at the old Nini's Corner, Harvard Square, Cambridge, MA was exactly like this.
posted by Melismata at 8:24 AM on January 4 [1 favorite]


Whoa! I just clicked over from watching this video, Midnight Skulker, from Buzzfeed (2015) - 10 Women Who Kept Shaving Despite Impending Doom. It’s a good laugh.

I’m an extremely cute girl. I wear many layers of frou-frou clothing and I’m here to unlock your true self. Don’t worry about what I’ve got going on. What I’ve got going on is YOU.
posted by amanda at 8:28 AM on January 4 [3 favorites]


Hi, I'm a guitarist in a movie.

I'm your friend, the classical music nerd. I play the violin (or cello) by bowing like a marionette. Like you, I place my fingers randomly on the strings. Sometimes my bow is even on the same string as the fingers.

My friend is first flute, despite the fact her hands hold it backwards.

The brass players are good, even with bizarre embouchure and fingers randomly flailing on the keys.

Our conductor is an attractive, tortured genius who doesn't know how to conduct 4/4. He's having an affair with the blonde oboist, who is in a major symphony at the age of barely legal.

And then there's the piano soloist...

By the way, as we're all in a contemporary movie, NONE of us is over 40 or has wrinkles or sagging skin. We are all like Greek gods and goddesses. Despite the fact I would stop traffic in any real-life situation, you know I'm considered mousy because I wear glasses.
posted by NorthernLite at 8:47 AM on January 4 [14 favorites]


Hi, I'm a service member in a movie. I am nominally an infantryman, because that's the only job in the entire military, even if I am in the Air Force. But for some reason, I am also qualified on any vehicle, airframe, weapon, or communication system that comes up, even ones that I have literally never seen before. I spend a lot of time running in formation, despite that not actually being good for physical fitness. Also, I have about an 80 percent chance of dying, despite the fact that actual mortality rates in the modern military are lower than those of college athletes.
posted by Etrigan at 8:58 AM on January 4 [9 favorites]


I'm a woman in labor. 15 minutes after I announce "I think the baby's coming!" I'll be mildly sweaty, with a couple hairs out of place, holding a slime-free newborn, and definitely not in need of further medical attention.
posted by Kitty Stardust at 10:12 AM on January 4 [8 favorites]


Also, hi, I'm a goth. I work in the combination night club/piercing salon/kitten taxidermist. Sure, I'd be happy to take a look at that evidence from the scene of the bizarrely staged occult murder you're investigating!
posted by Kitty Stardust at 10:24 AM on January 4 [2 favorites]


Hi, I'm the rain in a movie. I'll stay away until you're sad, and then I'll show up to be your best friend EVAR
posted by drinkmaildave at 11:42 AM on January 4 [1 favorite]


Even in places like Las Vegas, where it never rains!
posted by Melismata at 11:46 AM on January 4


Hi, I'm a cup of coffee in a movie
I weigh exactly 0 ounces, and when I have no lid, a single drop will never slosh out onto the hand of the actor gesturing wildly with me. Alas, nobody will ever drink more than two sips of my contents, even though everybody says how much they appreciate it.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 11:54 AM on January 4 [4 favorites]


Hi, I'm the rain in a movie.

Hi, I'm the streets in a movie during a night scene. I'm always wet, so I'm clean, shiny and reflective; it always looks like it stopped raining only a minute ago.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 12:26 PM on January 4 [4 favorites]


I watched them film a scene on my street that was during a sunny day but they ran a water truck down the block to wet down the whole street because I guess we're used to the street looking shiny in movies even when it's not raining.
posted by octothorpe at 12:35 PM on January 4 [2 favorites]


I had an expert once explain to me how it's about changing reflections from diffuse to specular.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 12:38 PM on January 4 [1 favorite]


I’m a woman in physically challenging situation which might include fighting, gunshots, or explosions. Any injuries will be non-disfiguring and will not in any way mar my beauty.
posted by bunderful at 1:56 PM on January 4 [3 favorites]


Alas, nobody will ever drink more than two sips of my contents

And when they do "drink," they never swallow.

Also, I'm a glass of water. The tough guy never needs me to wash down a handful of pills. He just throws them in the back of his mouth.
(And never swallows.)

Poor film beverages.
posted by NorthernLite at 2:00 PM on January 4 [4 favorites]


Hi, I'm Seattle. I look suspiciously like Vancouver, B.C.
posted by webmutant at 2:25 PM on January 4 [10 favorites]


Hi, I’m Korean War era Korea but I look an awful lot like a part of California.

And the story I'm telling is actually about Vietnam.

Hi, I'm Seattle. I look suspiciously like Vancouver, B.C.


Hi, I'm Walnut Grove, Minnesota. I too look like southern California.
posted by Melismata at 3:14 PM on January 4 [5 favorites]


Melismata: I listen to a podcast called Little House on the Podcast that recaps LHOtP episodes, and my favorite running gag is when the host makes an effort to point out every time there's a shot where you can spot mountains on the distant horizon.
posted by Atom Eyes at 3:31 PM on January 4 [1 favorite]


Hi, I’m a medical examiner. You’ll usually find me eating a huge sandwich while I stand over a corpse on a slab. I also like to show any and everyone who walks in the corpse, and discuss details of their death, with no thought of privacy violations.
posted by clseace at 3:31 PM on January 4 [7 favorites]


I would love to know who came up with the idea that everyone should write important shit on vertical panes of clear glass.

I can't quite connect the dots, but animators, photogs, etc. work with light tables and sometimes make notes on the glass. I have to assume some director noticed that and... voila!
posted by ChurchHatesTucker at 6:06 PM on January 4 [3 favorites]


Hi, I’m a harried single mother. I’m too busy working to notice that my child has become caught up in a matter of international intrigue and is the only one who can save the planet.
posted by Knowyournuts at 11:15 PM on January 4 [4 favorites]


I have to assume some director noticed that and... voila!

this is also why we have ...

Hi, I'm the streets in a movie during a night scene. I'm always wet, so I'm clean, shiny and reflective; it always looks like it stopped raining only a minute ago.

also time lapse clouds or traffic whenever possible.

because it all looks nice. It may have zero to do with the story in question or any of its themes, but it does look nice, and director's and DPs (like all manner of other professionals) are always looking for their next gig.
posted by philip-random at 12:15 AM on January 5


Hi! I’m a woman in almost any movie. I always wear high heels, even when I’m relaxing at home. If physical effort is required, I’ll still be wearing the heels, and I will lose articles of clothing until I’m showing the proper amount of skin.
posted by LizBoBiz at 1:23 PM on January 5 [4 favorites]


Hi! I'm a movie armorer! I can equip guys with gorgeous shiny outfits including outrageous pauldrons and vambraces. Even male peasants get at least a helm and brigandine. Unfortunately my funding ran out after that so if you're a woman I can only offer a couple of salad bowls strapped together, matched with a leather jangle skirt.
posted by Joe in Australia at 2:35 PM on January 5 [10 favorites]


I'm radiation. I make superheroes and supervillians.

Nobody has a clue how I work.
posted by Splunge at 2:49 PM on January 5 [7 favorites]


Hi. I'm a breath mint AND a candy mint. This is my wife, she's a floor wax AND a desert topping.
posted by oneswellfoop at 4:38 PM on January 5 [2 favorites]


Hello, I'm the nerdy guy who just needed to get up the nerve to ask his crush out on a date. She will of course say "yes" -- turns out, she's been crushing on me this entire time! Even though you never see what happens next, it's assumed that our date will go super well and ultimately turn into a long-term relationship, even though I have no experience with dating or relationships. Turns out, literally the only thing holding back my romantic life was the ability to get up the nerve to ask a girl out on a date! Whew, glad I got that sorted out.
posted by panama joe at 3:07 PM on January 6 [6 favorites]


Hi it's me, elaborate home-cooked breakfast from literally every movie ever, it's chill that you don't have the opportunity to eat any of me because your time management skills fucking suck ass. No problems at all that somebody had to wake up at like three in the morning to get me ready.
posted by turbid dahlia at 6:46 PM on January 6 [4 favorites]


After a bit of digging, it seems likely that the 'writing on glass' trope was inspired by the vertical plotting boards (AKA tote boards) used by militaries since c. WWII. This example is from the fifties.
posted by ChurchHatesTucker at 8:00 PM on January 6 [2 favorites]


Clearly the inspiration for the same kind of plotting in The Empire Strikes Back.
posted by Chrysostom at 9:18 PM on January 6


I'm a detective in NYC or LA. It took me 10 minutes to get across town, without siren or lights.
posted by theora55 at 9:28 PM on January 6 [9 favorites]


I'm a detective in NYC or LA. Despite clearly being aligned to a specific geographic precinct, I investigate crimes across the entire metropolitan area.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 8:22 AM on January 7 [9 favorites]


Hi, I'm a hospital patient in a movie. I have no IV, my hair is clean, and my family can just shout, "Nurse!" instead of pressing the call button
posted by The Underpants Monster at 2:05 PM on January 7 [7 favorites]


Hi, I'm Daisy.
posted by subocoyne at 4:36 PM on January 7


I live in a big city and I can walk into a restaurant and get a table immediately.
posted by theora55 at 7:57 PM on January 7 [5 favorites]


In places where it's very cold, people routinely spend time outdoors sitting quietly, or chatting, talking no notice of the bitter cold and maybe some snow.
posted by theora55 at 10:59 PM on January 12 [5 favorites]


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