Shitter's Clogged Already
January 6, 2019 4:21 PM   Subscribe

Numi Intelligent toilet with KOHLER Konnect [Press Release] — Real Life Example (Moments Made Better): In the dark, as you walk up to Numi, the lid will open and treat you to a warm seat; when you walk away, it flushes and closes. Hassle-free for night time trips to the bathroom. Use app or the remote to program personalized presets for different users, and you can use voice to access the preset/profile (in case you misplace the remote). There is probably a difference between you, your spouse, and your children when it comes to washing; this lets you easily program and select personalization using voice and app. Ask Alexa to access your own playlist of songs (if you have Verdera and have Numi set up as an Alexa speaker).
posted by cenoxo (83 comments total) 11 users marked this as a favorite
 
Literally internet of shit!
posted by Fizz at 4:22 PM on January 6, 2019 [6 favorites]


In the dark, as you walk up to Numi, the lid will open

If you wanted to startle me to the extent I would dropkick the toilet off its base in an act of fight-or-flight, this would do it.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 4:28 PM on January 6, 2019 [17 favorites]


Finally every time I flush a DDOS attack is launched against the government.
posted by Young Kullervo at 4:29 PM on January 6, 2019 [17 favorites]


Seriously, what's the expected useful life of any IoT device before the support ceases? There's been enough issues with thermostats, fridges, etc. A toilet could be a decades-long investment. Oh well, I guess if the OS crashes, you could always try flushing the cache ...

Also, presumably, as it is connecting via the app/cloud, it is also transmitting data and storing it somewhere. I was wondering if the industry data format for smart toilets should be called the 'bog standard.'
posted by carter at 4:32 PM on January 6, 2019 [24 favorites]


Although it's not, the lid unfortunately looks like a screen, so perhaps you need to sit facing in. If you're not sitting down, depending who/what is on the news, you can register an opinion.
posted by cenoxo at 4:33 PM on January 6, 2019


Kohler's Numi toilet features Bluetooth, SD card, and $6,650 price tag.

The wife and I installed a new toilet last weekend. $80 from Lowe’s. It works pretty good. I did have to get an extra thick wax ring. That brought the price up to $83.99.

I mention this only for comparison. And to humblebrag that my wife and I are damned efficient plumbers.
posted by valkane at 4:35 PM on January 6, 2019 [18 favorites]


In the dark, as you walk up to Numi, the lid will open

Raise your hand if you've already solved this excuruciating burden of modern living by just never closing the dang lid.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 4:39 PM on January 6, 2019 [14 favorites]


i hope the remote works for a bidet feature as well so you can spray unsuspecting guests on the butt with icy water when they wake up for a wee at 4am
posted by poffin boffin at 4:41 PM on January 6, 2019 [10 favorites]


I'd pay a dollar to see that.
posted by Greg_Ace at 4:42 PM on January 6, 2019 [1 favorite]


i hope the remote works for a bidet feature as well so you can spray unsuspecting guests on the butt with icy water when they wake up for a wee at 4am

Given that the firmware will likely have a bunch of vulnerabilities the manufacturer will never patch, this might happen to the owner.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 4:43 PM on January 6, 2019 [10 favorites]


If you want a picture of the future of toilets, imagine a toilet screaming Baby Shark at unendurable volume, forever.
posted by GCU Sweet and Full of Grace at 4:45 PM on January 6, 2019 [23 favorites]


I'm guessing this is actually a Japanese toilet being sold by Kohler, which would explain the unfortunate press release. Apparently pooping in Japan is like a trip to Disneyland...
posted by jim in austin at 4:48 PM on January 6, 2019 [2 favorites]


To be fair some MIT student did an IOT Twitter Shitter right at the beginning of twitter... pretty sure it was posted here.

I view this product as a pile-on of that technology.
posted by Nanukthedog at 4:50 PM on January 6, 2019 [1 favorite]


Moments Made Better

I read that as "Moments Made Butter" and thought if it churns shit into butter then it's worth twice the price.
posted by peeedro at 4:53 PM on January 6, 2019 [2 favorites]


Apparently pooping in Japan is like a trip to Disneyland...

Was there for work a few weeks back and they certainly have some amazing toilets (Buttons everywhere! What do they all do!). The Marriott hotel toilet was labeled in both Japanese and English....but the office....yeah Japanese only. So that was a bit of a mystery challenge - just mashed a few buttons and ran away. I think I got some sort of combo flush / pine fresh spray mist special bonus. Of course it could have been a Mario Kart themed toilet for all I know, and I shudder to think who just got oiled.
posted by inflatablekiwi at 4:56 PM on January 6, 2019 [3 favorites]


Seriously, what's the expected useful life of any IoT device before the support ceases? There's been enough issues with thermostats, fridges, etc. A toilet could be a decades-long investment.
I think about this with our Nest, which is great but also a Google product, and that’s something I installed with no more than a screwdriver.
posted by adamsc at 4:58 PM on January 6, 2019


jia, the "Numi Intelligent toilet with KOHLER Konnect" press release is listed on the Kohler USA > 2018 CES Press Kit page.
posted by cenoxo at 5:01 PM on January 6, 2019


a pile-on of that technology.

I see what you did there...
posted by notsnot at 5:03 PM on January 6, 2019 [1 favorite]


Another link I saw described it as an “immersive toilet experience” (or something to that effect); just, no.
posted by acb at 5:03 PM on January 6, 2019 [9 favorites]


Future documentary narrarator: As horrifying as it sounds to us today, people used to defecate in clean drinking water.
posted by loquacious at 5:18 PM on January 6, 2019 [7 favorites]


Idly wondering if this thing is dog-proofed.
posted by thomas j wise at 5:36 PM on January 6, 2019


So uh

What kinda "reports" is this thing sending back and to whomst
posted by Existential Dread at 5:46 PM on January 6, 2019 [7 favorites]


The house I had in the 90s was built in 1910 and still had the original toilet in the bathroom that worked just fine after eight decades of use. This gadget won't last ten years before you'll have to replace it when it doesn't flush because the software won't update.
posted by octothorpe at 5:52 PM on January 6, 2019 [6 favorites]


Allow Numi to take pictures and record video?

☐ DENY ☐ ALLOW


Allow Numi to access Contacts?

☐ DENY ☐ ALLOW


Allow Numi to create and send MMS messages?

☐ DENY ☐ ALLOW
posted by Existential Dread at 5:53 PM on January 6, 2019 [31 favorites]


What kinda "reports" is this thing sending back and to whomst

CoproNet...
posted by jim in austin at 5:55 PM on January 6, 2019 [3 favorites]


Numi offers personalized experiences that let users fine-tune every aspect of their experience to their exact preference, from ambient colored lighting to

Why do they all have ambient lighting.
posted by saysthis at 6:03 PM on January 6, 2019 [1 favorite]


Two of the toilets in our house have Toto washlet seats. They are pretty much the same but one has the auto open/close feature for the lid. It is a pretty nice feature once you get used to it. You can use the remote to raise the seat. I'd much rather push a button on the remote than lift the seat if I'm going to pee. With voice recognition you wouldn't even need to touch a button so even less chance for germs to spread. I would worry about just how long a smart toilet would be supported for though.
posted by any portmanteau in a storm at 6:17 PM on January 6, 2019 [1 favorite]


I'd much rather push a button on the remote than lift the seat if I'm going to pee.

I remember one of the lawyers in the 90's TV show Ally McBeal had a remote to lift the lid and flush before he arrived. Needless to say, Accidents Happened and they eventually had to break the toilet to get the hapless victim out.
posted by Greg_Ace at 6:28 PM on January 6, 2019 [1 favorite]


I have never watched a full episode of Ally McBeal and yet I caught that exact scene when it was originally broadcasted.
posted by any portmanteau in a storm at 6:32 PM on January 6, 2019 [4 favorites]


hey everybody, what if pooping was complicated, expensive, and failure-prone? good idea/bad idea?
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 6:34 PM on January 6, 2019 [16 favorites]


Seriously, what's the expected useful life of any IoT device before the support ceases?

This is the true promise of IoT! To reduce the lifespan of any appliance to that of a crappy cell phone. Replacing everything every two years is going to be great for the economy.
posted by qxntpqbbbqxl at 6:38 PM on January 6, 2019 [5 favorites]


Except most of us will be old and jobless and unable to afford them! Maybe that situation will get politicians thinking seriously about UBI? Or something like that...
posted by Greg_Ace at 6:55 PM on January 6, 2019 [1 favorite]


hey everybody, what if pooping was complicated, expensive, and failure-prone? good idea/bad idea?

I have Crohn’s, it already is
posted by Automocar at 6:57 PM on January 6, 2019 [13 favorites]


Yeah even as I wrote that comment I was thinking that I was describing many people's day-to-day reality. :-(
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 7:06 PM on January 6, 2019 [2 favorites]


Was there for work a few weeks back and they certainly have some amazing toilets (Buttons everywhere! What do they all do!). The Marriott hotel toilet was labeled in both Japanese and English....but the office....yeah Japanese only. So that was a bit of a mystery challenge - just mashed a few buttons and ran away.

I did this once. Well, specifically I pressed all the buttons to see what happens. What happens is that one of them is the rape alarm and the police shows up. That was a fun conversation.
posted by lollusc at 7:10 PM on January 6, 2019 [25 favorites]


No.
posted by runcibleshaw at 7:12 PM on January 6, 2019 [3 favorites]


This gadget won't last ten years before you'll have to replace it

I think you've just hit upon the key feature.

Half of all this "IoT" garbage is just finding ways to sell consumers products that have a built-in death date.

It's like we got too good at building stuff for the manufacturers' collective liking, so they started putting WiFi and touchscreens in everything to bring the lifespan back down again.
posted by Kadin2048 at 7:25 PM on January 6, 2019 [1 favorite]


imagine a toilet screaming Baby Shark at unendurable volume, forever

goddammit
posted by schadenfrau at 7:39 PM on January 6, 2019


Hello! I am the toilet!
posted by Countess Elena at 8:00 PM on January 6, 2019 [4 favorites]



Yeah even as I wrote that comment I was thinking that I was describing many people's day-to-day reality. :-(


listen i would sell everyone here in this thread right to satan himself for untold millennia of gruesome torment if it meant i could once again poop normally in this life
posted by poffin boffin at 8:05 PM on January 6, 2019


This reminds me that I was thinking just the other day about various sci-fi stories where men died out, and what brought me up short was...there would be no more movable toilet seats! You'd never need to lift the secondary lid, so it wouldn't be on hinges! I just sat and contemplated that for a while.

Anyway, I don't care about lights and automation, I want a toilet designed in such a way that you never have to clean off hair-attracting, piss-stained hinges and crannies.
posted by emjaybee at 8:18 PM on January 6, 2019 [7 favorites]


Next: "Gamer" toilets.
posted by glonous keming at 8:58 PM on January 6, 2019 [3 favorites]


The Love Toilet
posted by not_on_display at 9:01 PM on January 6, 2019


Moments Made Better

Movements Made Better, surely?
posted by The Underpants Monster at 9:15 PM on January 6, 2019 [3 favorites]


Living in the land of the fancy toilets (Japan) I can say I do approve of these type of toliets and now almost think I have returned to primative lands when I travel back to New Zealand. Maybe the one in this is a tad over kill with the individual user profile and app, but you'll find in most malls and many (modern) public spaces will at least have a basic model with heated seat and bum washing function.
I now have a fear of normal cold seats after living the cushy life of ever heated seats..
posted by Merlin The Happy Pig at 9:41 PM on January 6, 2019 [1 favorite]


Alright:
1st Prior: tweets
2nd Prior: tweets
posted by Nanukthedog at 10:02 PM on January 6, 2019 [2 favorites]


I now have a fear of normal cold seats

These are the opposite of high tech, but they make the shock of a cold seat a thing of the past even in my inadequately-insulated apartment in the middle of winter.
posted by Greg_Ace at 10:04 PM on January 6, 2019


I can't wait for the first software hack that causes these things to misbehave and SCARE THE CRAP OUT OF THE USER ha ha ha ha ha ha
posted by StrawberryPie at 10:09 PM on January 6, 2019 [3 favorites]


Just one last thing on this... I'm not installing the IoT device so I can just press a button labeled 'Release'. That sounds like the most invasive squatty potty ever.

... wait... that isn't what you meant by [press release]?
posted by Nanukthedog at 10:19 PM on January 6, 2019


Anyway, I don't care about lights and automation, I want a toilet designed in such a way that you never have to clean off hair-attracting, piss-stained hinges and crannies.

Have I got a toilet for you!
posted by benzenedream at 10:23 PM on January 6, 2019 [1 favorite]


Just wait till Amazon start to steal the cookies from the toilets history..
"Based on your history, may we suggest from bran or other high fibre product"
"Click this link for 30% off anti-diarreha tablets"
"Get prune juice shipped to your door now"
posted by Merlin The Happy Pig at 10:33 PM on January 6, 2019 [2 favorites]


I saw this episode of Bob's Burgers.
posted by bongo_x at 10:54 PM on January 6, 2019 [9 favorites]




> benzenedream: Have I got a toilet for you!

I like the AIO model with sink/faucet, TP storage, towel rack, nice lighting, and a plant. Kohler, please add these options to your list of Intelligent Toilets [PDF].
posted by cenoxo at 11:33 PM on January 6, 2019


Can divide this thread between

" I have used a Japanese toilet, and this just seems like a bad rip off of that with some dumb IoT horseshit, so I kinda get it, but like a toyo washlet is like 30% the price of this"

"I have never used a Japanese Toilet and LoL fancy shitter that does stuff. Such frivolity won't last"

I'm team Japanese Toilet.
posted by JPD at 4:31 AM on January 7, 2019


Gentle reminder that some people are trans, and that comments about men that assume man = person who, e.g., stands to pee, are kind of a downer when we're all just trying to have a nice time talking about the fancy toilet.
posted by ITheCosmos at 4:56 AM on January 7, 2019


Gadgets aside, I don't see how that thing could be comfortable to sit on with those square corners poking into the backs of your legs.
posted by Fleebnork at 6:57 AM on January 7, 2019


I notice that a prominent listing at the top of the landing page is for the "Product Placement" person for this toilet. I am waiting for it to make prominent appearances in movies and TV shows.
posted by beagle at 7:22 AM on January 7, 2019


A lot of people are shitting on this toilet.
posted by paper chromatographologist at 7:23 AM on January 7, 2019 [3 favorites]


Looking forward to "Share your Poops!" twitter integration.
posted by bonehead at 8:19 AM on January 7, 2019 [3 favorites]


Metafilter: share your poops!
posted by Vesihiisi at 8:34 AM on January 7, 2019 [2 favorites]


Does it have programmable skills like Alexa? Take a picture and auto-post to RateMyPoo.com.
posted by slogger at 8:37 AM on January 7, 2019


Hey, Honest Question Time, prompted by a recent visit to A Land of Bidets.

1. When you use a bidet, do you take you pants off before shitting to ease the scoot over to the other appliance? I would also worry about spraying water all over my pants.

2. Do you sit on the bidet? If so, why doesn't it have a seat? If not, why not sit? So you just kinda crouch and hover? That seems super difficult when you are already trying to direct a stream of water to a very specific place.

3. Do you just let the stream of water do its business, or do you get your hand and/or TP and/or a washcloth up in there?

4. Do you dry off afterwards? With what?

Thank you, I'll take my answers off the air.
posted by Rock Steady at 8:52 AM on January 7, 2019 [5 favorites]


"Alexa, wash my ass."
posted by mullacc at 8:55 AM on January 7, 2019 [3 favorites]


Never thought I'd live to see someone shitposting on Metafilter. *shakes head*
posted by endotoxin at 10:39 AM on January 7, 2019 [1 favorite]


Hey, Honest Question Time, prompted by a recent visit to A Land of Bidets.

Some answers here, for the Japanese context.

1&2. It's integrated into the toilet seat, so these concerns don't arise.

3. Handsfree is kind of the point.

4. Air dryers are built in.
posted by bonehead at 11:02 AM on January 7, 2019


For any of remaining humans reading this thread in the year 2030, wondering what the bloody hell went wrong:
"You're going to die out, you know that, don't you."
posted by Dr Ew at 11:17 AM on January 7, 2019


wikiHow > How to Use a Bidet: 10 Steps (With Pictures) — modest artist’s illustrations, but probably NSFW.
posted by cenoxo at 11:34 AM on January 7, 2019


ambient colored lighting

In a recent QI outtake, host Sandi Tostvig relates the story of staying as a houseguest somewhere and discovering that they had installed some gizmo on their toilet that had an auto-sensor, the practical upshot of which was that when it sensed someone was approaching, it would start to flash disco-style colored lights. "I almost shit myself," she said, then added, "which is not my usual 4 a.m. pattern."
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 11:57 AM on January 7, 2019 [1 favorite]


Make sure you get the full installation package with the Smart Pipe for proper effluvia analysis and data-scraping.
posted by FatherDagon at 1:17 PM on January 7, 2019 [1 favorite]


I have installed a bidet toilet seat in one of the bathrooms in my house. The wash function is great. However the air dry function is useless. I don't have an hour to sit there waiting to dry, every time.
posted by elizilla at 3:00 PM on January 7, 2019 [1 favorite]


I sense a Binford 6100 Leaf Blower Dyson AirBlade mod in your future!

*simian grunting noises*
posted by Greg_Ace at 3:51 PM on January 7, 2019 [1 favorite]


And I thought Twitter was crappy enough already!
posted by Making You Bored For Science at 3:53 PM on January 7, 2019


Someone saw Google's 2007 April Fool's joke (previously) and thought it sounded like a great idea.
posted by pernoctalian at 7:03 PM on January 7, 2019


Bidets are stupid.

The Finnish butt shower is where it's at.
posted by Vesihiisi at 8:32 PM on January 7, 2019 [1 favorite]


Dear Finland,

I have questions.
posted by Kadin2048 at 9:45 PM on January 7, 2019 [1 favorite]


Seriously, I'm crazy about the Finnish butt shower. If your nethers are of the regularly leaking blood variety, if you try it once you will spend the rest of your life feeling like a rotting piece of meat every time you cannot shower after attending to the infrastructure. I can't imagine the high-techest of toilets would be better for cranberry week maintenance than a handheld nozzle.
posted by Vesihiisi at 11:09 PM on January 7, 2019


You know, a hole in the ground was good enough for my grandpa and it's good enough for me.

I quite like Japanese toilet consoles, hooking it to the internet is a problem tho.
posted by aspersioncast at 5:00 AM on January 8, 2019


I've used a bidet exactly once, while on vacation.

But not in a hotel room toilet. No, this was something I stumbled upon at the Gellert Spa in Budapest, one of the two thermal bath houses I visited while I was there. I was bound and determined to sample each and every one of the various rooms and nooks and crannies and corners I could, and had already been there an hour or so, wandering in and out of saunas and steam rooms and hot pools and cold plunge pools and showers and such (one steam room was the most intense I've ever been in; you literally couldn't see people until they were within two feet of you, and I had to leave after only five minutes because the steam cleared out anything that had ever been in my sinuses since about 2014 and my nose was running too bad). And at one point, I saw a door to a little room and walked in, thinking it was another, smaller steam room.

....It was not.

I found myself in a white tile-lined room with a drain embedded in the floor; there was a "vichy" shower affixed to one wall (think like multiple showerheads in a line, so when you turn it on you have six nozzles pointed at you along the length of your body), and across the room from it there was....an unusual stool. What made this stool unusual was that the four legs supported a ring instead of a seat, leaving the center of the seat - and thus one's tuchus - exposed to what lay underneath. And what lay underneath was a seventh shower nozzle, pointed straight up. There was a button on the wall, within easy reach of someone seated on the stool.

I stared at it a moment, then figured that "well, I wanted to try everything" - so I made sure the door was locked, stripped out of the bathing suit that I'd had to wear, sat down, and pressed the button, and a high-powered jet of water blasted my entire undercarriage.

But...not too strong a jet of water. It wasn't painful. And it was pleasantly warm.

I pressed that button once more for good measure, then heard someone trying the door, so I wrestled myself back into my suit and left.

....That is a bidet, my friends. The Finnish butt shower is a poor substitute.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:54 AM on January 8, 2019 [4 favorites]


> I now have a fear of normal cold seats after living the cushy life of ever heated seats

Noooo, the cool seat is how you know that it's been an acceptable length of time since someone else sat there.
posted by The corpse in the library at 11:55 AM on January 8, 2019 [3 favorites]


Yet another advantage of squat toilets; seat heat becomes a non-issue.

And what lay underneath was a seventh shower nozzle, pointed straight up.
That . . . I never even knew I wanted that. Like, a bidet is nicer to me in theory than in practice, but I never dared to dream of such an invention as that.
posted by aspersioncast at 3:32 PM on January 8, 2019


That . . . I never even knew I wanted that. Like, a bidet is nicer to me in theory than in practice, but I never dared to dream of such an invention as that.

I think I gave the button an exploratory try before sitting down; I want to say that it was strong enough to shoot the water about 3 feet straight up through the stool if it was empty of a person. Strong enough for you to be sure "well, that sure did the job" but not enough to be uncomfortable.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:28 AM on January 9, 2019


I think I saw a comedy video about a smart toilet, that I have no way of tracking down, now.

The distinguishing element was that it ends with a plea to "fix outdated child-pornography laws" because it was technically illegal for them to transmit images of everyone's anuses over the internet.
posted by RobotHero at 6:01 PM on January 10, 2019


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