“Taste the rainbow”
January 30, 2019 1:19 PM   Subscribe

(CW) Rare: Putting edible glitter on your dog’s testicles is a trend now, apparently. Originally posted on a North Carolina salon's Facebook page, the multi-colored edible cake glitter - which is non-toxic - is "applied to the dog's scrotum using corn syrup", making the full ensemble edible (presumably for the dog?). It is unclear whether this results in glitter poop some time later, if this is a career choice, or whether this has yet been tried on cats. (Post title from Facebook comment)
posted by Wordshore (82 comments total) 5 users marked this as a favorite
 
I suspect the comments here will not disappoint.

Why stop at the balls, glitter the whole fucking thing. Glitter dogs for everyone!
posted by Keith Talent at 1:27 PM on January 30, 2019 [7 favorites]


Wow. Someone actually found a way to ruin dogs for me.
posted by Homo neanderthalensis at 1:28 PM on January 30, 2019 [33 favorites]


Septem Circumstantiae...?
posted by CynicalKnight at 1:33 PM on January 30, 2019 [1 favorite]


Thanks, I hate it.
posted by clseace at 1:34 PM on January 30, 2019 [22 favorites]


Do not try this on cats. Very bad idea.
posted by luaz at 1:34 PM on January 30, 2019 [8 favorites]


* frowns *
posted by salt grass at 1:34 PM on January 30, 2019 [10 favorites]


Does edible cake glitter come from New Jersey?
posted by TedW at 1:36 PM on January 30, 2019 [4 favorites]


Just checked and there's no "Should I eat this..." AskMeFi post.

Yet.
posted by Wordshore at 1:37 PM on January 30, 2019 [4 favorites]


We don't deserve dogs.
posted by jquinby at 1:37 PM on January 30, 2019 [18 favorites]


It did take me a moment to wade through my disgust to finally understand it was meant to be edible for the dog.
posted by urbanwhaleshark at 1:38 PM on January 30, 2019 [52 favorites]


This is one reason why, during my lifetime, I expect the human race to be supplanted by jellyfish as the planet's dominant lifeform.
posted by delfin at 1:40 PM on January 30, 2019 [17 favorites]


We don't deserve dogs.
posted by jquinby


And they don't deserve disco balls.
posted by Splunge at 1:43 PM on January 30, 2019 [41 favorites]


All I have to say about this is that's pretty nuts.
posted by NoxAeternum at 1:44 PM on January 30, 2019 [59 favorites]


This post is the Jackson Pollocks.
posted by Nelson at 1:46 PM on January 30, 2019 [17 favorites]


The death of print journalism has never been so painful to me until this moment, when I so desperately need a rolled-up newspaper to smack Wordshore with.
posted by Etrigan at 1:47 PM on January 30, 2019 [33 favorites]


Surely, as if we needed any more evidence, this is the end of days.
posted by ryanshepard at 1:49 PM on January 30, 2019 [8 favorites]


*edible*
shudder
posted by martin q blank at 1:52 PM on January 30, 2019 [1 favorite]


This is one reason why, during my lifetime, I expect the human race to be supplanted by jellyfish as the planet's dominant lifeform.

Glittery jellyfish?
posted by Celsius1414 at 1:54 PM on January 30, 2019 [2 favorites]


It doesn't look like anyone has covered this sentiment yet, so allow me: Whhhhhyyyyyyyyyyyy?????
posted by wordless reply at 1:54 PM on January 30, 2019 [9 favorites]


People with too much time (not to mention corn syrup and glitter) on their hands.
posted by Greg_Ace at 1:55 PM on January 30, 2019 [1 favorite]


Jasper Carrott, a comedian from Birmingham in England, has a few anecdotes about dogs and their balls. There's one here about Sebastian the Afghan hound. Another was when he was dating someone else and, on visiting her house and family, the family dog entered the room, sat in full view of everyone, and started to lick his balls with some acrobatic gymnastic leg precision.

Jasper, awkwardly, trying to break the silence by saying something, anything: "Heh. I wish I could do that."
The father of the person he was dating: "If you give him a biscuit, he'll let you."
posted by Wordshore at 1:55 PM on January 30, 2019 [22 favorites]


i know what im getting dad next christmas *googles [make balls glittery kit human dad]*

tbh i would buy this for myself but unfortunately my current scrotal situation renders the scenario quite ridiculous. sigh
posted by Foci for Analysis at 1:56 PM on January 30, 2019 [3 favorites]


Weak sauce. Everyone knows the best glittery pet nethers belong to cats who've eaten tinsel.

Just imagine a cat trying to run away from its own ass because there's a turd dangling there on a thin silver plastic ribbon.
posted by seanmpuckett at 1:58 PM on January 30, 2019 [15 favorites]


David Bowie called this years ago.
posted by w0mbat at 2:03 PM on January 30, 2019 [4 favorites]


i'm ready for the meteor
posted by poffin boffin at 2:09 PM on January 30, 2019 [26 favorites]


*clicks* Ah. This is Standard Poodle-keeping competitive groomer behavior, not something that would occur to most people.

There are perfectly good reasons to enjoy standard poodles--they're not my favorite breed, but I see why some people love them--but the long, manipulable coat combined with the flashy size seems to attract a certain kind of bizarre.
posted by sciatrix at 2:10 PM on January 30, 2019 [5 favorites]


If you ever find yourself recreationally applying anything to a different animals testes, you need to leave the planet. Let's keep the glitter to our own genitals (or better yet, don't do glitter ever at all), thanks.
posted by GoblinHoney at 2:13 PM on January 30, 2019 [7 favorites]


in fact i demand the meteor
posted by poffin boffin at 2:17 PM on January 30, 2019 [21 favorites]


the gods are busy putting glitter on the meteor
posted by prize bull octorok at 2:19 PM on January 30, 2019 [39 favorites]


Oh. Oh my.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 2:19 PM on January 30, 2019 [3 favorites]


the gods are busy putting glitter on the meteor

Both of them.
posted by Wordshore at 2:22 PM on January 30, 2019 [14 favorites]


Seem like an uptick in gross posts?
posted by InkaLomax at 2:24 PM on January 30, 2019 [1 favorite]


I feel like this is a real good way to get glitter all over your house? So a sort of instant karma for the idiots who do this.
posted by axiom at 2:31 PM on January 30, 2019 [5 favorites]


Seem like an uptick in gross posts?

Only because they've been coated in glitter.

More seriously, it's likely because of the best post contest in which there are "best post about poop" and the "Keep MeFi Weird" categories
posted by nubs at 2:34 PM on January 30, 2019 [11 favorites]


I kind of see this as a version of those little red tablets we got as kids that highlighted the plaque on your teeth, except with this a dog owner gets to see glitter on their dogs mouth and is reminded that's where their mouth has been.
posted by AlonzoMosleyFBI at 2:40 PM on January 30, 2019 [26 favorites]


Jasper, awkwardly, trying to break the silence by saying something, anything: "Heh. I wish I could do that."
The father of the person he was dating: "If you give him a biscuit, he'll let you."


That joke is so old it's living on a farm upstate.
posted by MikeKD at 2:44 PM on January 30, 2019 [15 favorites]


PLEASE NOTE - glitter is not a substitute for neutering your pet. Also, if you have a neutered pet that already might be a little jealous of his neighbor dog's giant balls, "discoing them up a bit" is probably going to cause further...retraction?
posted by Dillionaire at 2:44 PM on January 30, 2019 [7 favorites]


Three points which make this make sense.

1: Good owners get their dogs neutered.
2: Its important to celebrate once in a lifetime events.
3: As my Quonsmas gifters know, I like to pick up a new Christmas Tree decoration each year.
posted by biffa at 2:53 PM on January 30, 2019 [7 favorites]


They're festive dogs, Brent.
posted by Greg_Ace at 2:57 PM on January 30, 2019 [8 favorites]


"applied to the dog's scrotum using corn syrup"

Do you want ants? Because this is how you get ants. ON YOUR DOGS BALLS!
posted by daq at 3:04 PM on January 30, 2019 [12 favorites]


Hmmph. We didn’t have glitter in my day. We had to use peanut butter!
posted by octobersurprise at 3:15 PM on January 30, 2019 [2 favorites]


Stop trying to make glittery dog scrotums happen.

Seriously. Stop.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 3:19 PM on January 30, 2019 [3 favorites]


This reminds me of an old dumb joke, though.

Q: Why does a dog lick his balls?





A: Because he can.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 3:20 PM on January 30, 2019 [2 favorites]


It's a dog eat dog balls world out there.
posted by srboisvert at 3:30 PM on January 30, 2019 [3 favorites]


Skynet, take the wheel.
posted by furnace.heart at 3:31 PM on January 30, 2019 [11 favorites]


Glitz Nutz
posted by jamjam at 3:34 PM on January 30, 2019 [3 favorites]


WHAT A WORLD!!11!!!
posted by a humble nudibranch at 3:37 PM on January 30, 2019 [1 favorite]


In The UK we have an expression to describe something that is "the very best", we say it is "the dogs Bollocks" or in slightly more polite company perhaps "the mutts nuts".

I will to add to my lexicon this new phrase, "sparkly dogs bollocks".

But I'm not yet clear whether "sparkly dogs bollocks" are the very "cream of the crop" or .... well... "guilding the lilly".
posted by Dr Ew at 3:53 PM on January 30, 2019 [7 favorites]


In Soviet Russia, balls glitter you!
posted by lumpenprole at 4:00 PM on January 30, 2019 [2 favorites]


Glitz Nutz

Next level of Hell: Glittered Truck Nutz.
posted by MikeKD at 4:13 PM on January 30, 2019 [7 favorites]


From the third link:
According to one Facebook post , the "enhancement" is being done with "Corn syrup (non GMO) and edible cake glitter" to make it safe. Really glad they pointed out that the corn syrup is non GMO.

Corn syrup (even organic, small-batch non-GMO corn syrup) + glitter on anything sounds like a sticky mess. I'll admit, though, if I had balls I'd be tempted to do this. Alas.
posted by Fig at 4:14 PM on January 30, 2019 [3 favorites]


I was attempting to come up with a parallel to 'Truck Nutz'.

But actually applying glitter to Truck Nutz did not occur to me!
posted by jamjam at 4:16 PM on January 30, 2019 [1 favorite]


But actually applying glitter to Truck Nutz did not occur to me!

Consider yourself lucky, then. :\
posted by MikeKD at 4:23 PM on January 30, 2019 [1 favorite]


Whelp, humans had a good run. Time to call it a wrap and let the next species in line take over.
posted by RolandOfEld at 4:25 PM on January 30, 2019 [9 favorites]


glitter is not a substitute for neutering your pet

Having clicked on the third link, there's a watermark from what appears to be the kennel of the owner of the black dog with grey/white feet (and I think both dogs?), and I'll note a few things:

a) she's actively showing that dog in conformation, which means that he must be intact to compete
b) she's proudly posted about his meeting genetic health clearances specific for his breed
c) he probably will be bred in the future, and he represents an investment in her breeding program, which is as far as I can see an attempt to create really good, healthy standard poodles within a specific color family.

(I also note that the dogs are clearly kept clipped in one of the lower maintenance, less flashy styles for showing Poodles, which suggests good things to me about the quality of life for the dogs and the priorities of the human involved.)

I'm going to say right here that my grouchery aside, I don't think there is a damn thing wrong with the way that she is doing her breeding program, that as far as I can tell these dogs belong to someone doing ethical and responsible breeding of purebred dogs, and that I think that there has to be a place for people who keep intact dogs and breed them ethically if we want a source of future dogs.
posted by sciatrix at 4:37 PM on January 30, 2019 [6 favorites]


Fine, sciatrix. Do we have to apply glitter to the dog’s balls though?
posted by Monday at 4:43 PM on January 30, 2019 [8 favorites]


I'm just saying! We are talking about dog testicles, after all; they're surprisingly politicized things.

Anyway, I like having the chance to live goat the conversation now and again.
posted by sciatrix at 4:53 PM on January 30, 2019 [6 favorites]


clothes : dog sweaters :: vajazzling : whatever the fuck this is
posted by dephlogisticated at 4:58 PM on January 30, 2019 [6 favorites]


Someone mentioned the fictional occupation of "artisinal dog vejazzler" recently, I think in the context of House Hunters. I thought it was funny, because hand-decorating a dog's genitalia would clearly be an absurd thing to do.

Now, here we are.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 5:43 PM on January 30, 2019 [7 favorites]


So people actually don’t mind uh...touching dog balls?
posted by Young Kullervo at 6:06 PM on January 30, 2019 [2 favorites]


Usually, that costs extra.
posted by delfin at 6:37 PM on January 30, 2019 [3 favorites]


If one is a dog breeder, as these dog vandals appear to be, a certain amount of dog balls is probably just a fact of normal life. I'm sure they've made their peace with dog balls long ago.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 6:38 PM on January 30, 2019 [2 favorites]


So wait do you have to shave the balls first or is that somehow not necessary?

asking for a friend
posted by some loser at 6:40 PM on January 30, 2019 [4 favorites]


errr wait i mean, asking for a friend's DOG
posted by some loser at 6:40 PM on January 30, 2019 [10 favorites]


sparkly dogs bollocks

Sometimes dogs wish they had never taken the first handout.
posted by BlueHorse at 6:41 PM on January 30, 2019 [4 favorites]


Amy Webb was ahead of her time.
posted by tavella at 7:21 PM on January 30, 2019 [1 favorite]


Jasper, awkwardly, trying to break the silence by saying something, anything: "Heh. I wish I could do that."
The father of the person he was dating: "If you give him a biscuit, he'll let you."


I've always heard it as "Dad gum, I wish I could do that." / "Bubba, that dog would bite you...."

Q: Why does a dog lick his balls?
A: Because he can.


'Nuff said.
posted by jenfullmoon at 7:50 PM on January 30, 2019 [2 favorites]


I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Attack Shih Tzus fire off the shoulder of a Bichon. I watched pee streams glitter in the park near the Tan Schnauzer Gate. All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain. He's a good replicant Brent.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 8:20 PM on January 30, 2019 [9 favorites]


MikeKD: "Next level of Hell: Glittered Truck Nutz."

I'm surprised this isn't a thing already but a few minutes with google hasn't turned up a source.
posted by Mitheral at 9:50 PM on January 30, 2019 [1 favorite]


I was just reading this! What is Glitter? (NYT)

No comment on TFA, though I LOVE the post title. I laughed!
posted by one teak forest at 10:10 PM on January 30, 2019 [3 favorites]


Looks like content from Puproxx.
posted by under_petticoat_rule at 12:00 AM on January 31, 2019 [2 favorites]


Help me mods how do I delete Earth?
posted by loquacious at 6:31 AM on January 31, 2019 [8 favorites]


Dogs like sweets, so corn syrup ensures they will very promptly and obsessively clean themselves. If you've ever met a dog, intact or neutered, they really don't need the encouragement.
Yoomans are eating dinner, better check to see if the balls are sweetened up again.
It's sunny/ cloudy/ dark out, ball-slurping time!
Yooman wants to sleep. I will lullaby them with the comforting sounds of licking my regions.

Srsly, the pictures show that this has been done a few times, and I just can't even.
posted by theora55 at 8:33 AM on January 31, 2019 [3 favorites]


Yooman wants to sleep. I will lullaby them with the comforting sounds of licking my regions.

Hahaha! I have 3 dogs, and they -all- choose the time right after tucking into bed for the night to do this. It's a veritable disgusting symphony. I don't think corn syrup and/or glitter would improve it.
posted by Fig at 8:43 AM on January 31, 2019 [3 favorites]


They're festive dogs, Brent.

In retrospect I wish I'd gone with "they're gaudy dogs", to fit more closely to the original phrase I was referencing. Oh well, live and learn.
posted by Greg_Ace at 9:33 AM on January 31, 2019 [5 favorites]


Usually, that costs extra.

$20, same as in town.
posted by nickmark at 10:20 AM on January 31, 2019 [1 favorite]


Ok but if one is not a breeder or a professional who HAS to touch dog balls more than occasionally to do their job...is that something people actually want to do? How do they not feel gross or like they’re not violating another living creature?
posted by Young Kullervo at 10:36 AM on January 31, 2019 [2 favorites]


Surely this was posted purely to find out how people would react (I hope!)
posted by Burn_IT at 11:03 AM on January 31, 2019 [1 favorite]


Whelp, humans had a good run. Time to call it a wrap and let the next species in line take over.
posted by RolandOfEld


And that would be dog people who are ranked by how glittery their balls are. Careful what you wish for.
posted by Splunge at 2:28 PM on January 31, 2019 [2 favorites]


Surely this was posted purely to find out how people would react (I hope!)

That would take a lot of balls!
posted by Celsius1414 at 2:33 PM on January 31, 2019 [1 favorite]


why do we do this to our poor puppy friends
posted by Hermione Granger at 4:19 PM on January 31, 2019 [1 favorite]


Dr. Fido Rex arrives home after a long day at work. He drops his briefcase on the floor and goes into the bedroom. There he licks his balls until the glitter is gone.

"Damn, it feels so good to take that stuff off and let the boys breathe!"
posted by Splunge at 1:17 PM on February 1, 2019 [3 favorites]


« Older It has been zero days since Facebook's latest...   |   The Baghdaddies: Balkan melodies, Latin grooves... Newer »


This thread has been archived and is closed to new comments