Drew Magary has a Take.
January 31, 2019 1:05 PM   Subscribe

"Well now, this is an official Take, and by law all Takes must include an unwelcome BUT to spoil everything and to set off fires in your psyche. I loved all of these bagels, but the standard operating procedure of most bagel shops is to serve your bagel and smoked salmon as a full-on sandwich, with the cream cheese and smoked fish jammed inside the full bagel. This is, in my opinion, a sub-optimal way of enjoying a bagel. Bagel sandwiches are dumb."
posted by everybody had matching towels (58 comments total) 8 users marked this as a favorite
 
He's not wrong... but he't not right, either.
posted by SansPoint at 1:06 PM on January 31, 2019 [4 favorites]


Sometimes, when I get a bagel sandwich, I literally crack it open and redistribute the cream cheese so that I can eat it open-faced, like a pretentious effete.

I've never not done this.
posted by Mr.Know-it-some at 1:09 PM on January 31, 2019 [12 favorites]


Cream cheese/lox: open face
Egg/cheese/whatever: sandwich

QED
posted by theodolite at 1:10 PM on January 31, 2019 [18 favorites]


So I'm reading the article and then I see a heading in the middle of the page: Balmain's Olivier Rousteing Designs for a New Generation and I'm like oooh so we're now redesigning how we construct bagel sandwiches, and there's a video. The video is an ad for another part of GQ and it's about hoodies. Just a heads up.

That being said, I really want a video where bagel sandwiches are deconstructed and redesigned for optimal eating now.
posted by Fizz at 1:11 PM on January 31, 2019 [1 favorite]


He's completely right and in fact all hard crust sandwiches are bullshit.

Admittedly, there are perverse delights to be taken from circumnavigating your tongue around a sandwich to scrape up the herniated fillings, but you have to be in the mood for it.
posted by prize bull octorok at 1:12 PM on January 31, 2019 [10 favorites]


There's a place not far from where I work called Chicken Lou's. The have a bacon, egg and cheese on a bagel that they call "The Cholesterol." It is huge, greasy, delicious, and NOT FUCKING DUMB and I will fight anyone who says otherwise.

I agree though that most uses of bagels as the bread part of a sandwich would be better served using non-bagel bread.
posted by bondcliff at 1:16 PM on January 31, 2019 [1 favorite]


The key thing about an open faced bagel is you can easily fit in twice as much cream cheese.
posted by Nelson at 1:17 PM on January 31, 2019 [17 favorites]


Uh... ok, so everyone makes bagel sandwiches open-face at home. They serve them closed at bagel shops because you can't stuff an open-face bagel sandwich in a bag. Is this somehow not... super obvious? Did the polar vortex freeze all our clickbaity takes ice cold?
posted by phooky at 1:18 PM on January 31, 2019 [10 favorites]


You're not wrong, Walter...
posted by praemunire at 1:21 PM on January 31, 2019


I have never had an open-faced bagel. Also, open-faced sandwiches are overrated. There's something deeply pleasurable about the closed-face sandwich's textural symmetry on top and bottom. Plus, I love carbs.
posted by Panthalassa at 1:22 PM on January 31, 2019 [4 favorites]


Also you will pry my Classic Jumbo from Bagelsaurus from my cold dead hands, that mustard butter is the best.
posted by praemunire at 1:22 PM on January 31, 2019


Yay, Drew's okay (or at least out of the hospital)!

over those four weeks, I had friends, family, and loved ones all smuggle food into my room for me, all so that I could avoid the hospital fare

A couple of years ago an out-of-town cousin of mine was in a Toronto hospital for a few months while she waited for a lung transplant donor (she got one in time, but it was a close call). She was shy about letting people know, so my wife and I didn't find out until she'd already been in there for quite a long while. Before going to visit her we stopped at a nearby soup/salad/sandwich shop (a good one) and picked up some lunch for her because we correctly thought that she would be extremely tired of hospital food, and while I come from a family of extremely fast eaters and have a couple of friends who somehow eat even faster than my clan, I have never seen anyone eat anything as fast as she did that afternoon. It was like a trick where a magician waves their hand over something and makes it disappear.
posted by The Card Cheat at 1:24 PM on January 31, 2019 [11 favorites]


I used to get the occasional breakfast sandwich at a deli around the corner from my office. An English muffin was literally the same product in the same packaging I had at home (because we buy them at Costco) and most of the other breads fell apart when faced with the moisture content in a fried egg. Plus an everything bagel added salt their sausage desperately needed. So that was my occasional work breakfast. Sausage, egg, and cheese, everything bagel. The fillings are firm enough you can bite through the whole thing in one go.

But he's 100% correct about bagels with cream cheese. One bite and all the cream cheese is in your hands or on your lap. You can try to eat the thing while it's still wrapped in wax paper, but then you end up trying to scrape extra cream cheese off the wax paper with your fingers, and it tears, and ugh.
posted by fedward at 1:28 PM on January 31, 2019 [2 favorites]


DREW!

okay, his take is Bad, but he's here
posted by Countess Elena at 1:28 PM on January 31, 2019 [2 favorites]


One of the things I miss most about NYC is the ability to get a bacon-egg-and-cheese bagel sandwich from basically every corner bodega, and always having it be at least reasonably good. It baffles me that other cities can't seem to manage this seemingly trivial thing. I think it has something to do with the number of people who commute by train and get their breakfast on the way to work, maybe. Car cities just have drive-throughs, I guess, which don't produce the emphasis on handheld food? Whatever, it sucks and I'm salty about it.

I don't know why you'd get a bagel with cream cheese and lox as a closed-faced sandwich, though. That's just weird and wrong. That's what you do when you are bringing in a bunch of bagels (and cream cheese and lox) and are going to sit or at least stand over a table. The box-of-dozen-donuts equivalent.
posted by Kadin2048 at 1:28 PM on January 31, 2019 [3 favorites]


Open faced bagels are law if inside of a house or brunch at Barney Greengrass or breaking fast; bagel sandwiches half wrapped in wax paper are law if on the go running late hustling down the street.

This is the rule, it is direct from the bagel gods, they have spoken. Close the thread.
posted by windbox at 1:30 PM on January 31, 2019 [10 favorites]


I've read the article, and, my friends: where is the lie?
posted by gauche at 1:41 PM on January 31, 2019 [3 favorites]


When I saw this yesterday, I almost posted it. I have never been more happy to see Drew Magary's byline than on that. And since it's his usual wont over on Deadspin this time of year, here's his mom's recipe for some chili.

Bonus: And his take about people not bundling up for the cold. Also I'm sad he wasn't feeling up to the last Jamboroo of the year. But he's still this side of the dirt and it makes me happy.
posted by deezil at 1:41 PM on January 31, 2019 [3 favorites]


Am I wrong just to eat bagels plain? In my mind, the perfect bagel would have chunks of salt on if, like an obese pretzel. Actually, that goes for pretty much all bread. Give me some cheese and sausage by all means, but put it on the side so I can eat it like the peasant I am.
posted by pipeski at 1:48 PM on January 31, 2019


In 2019, I have no time or energy for arguing about which things are Bad that people enjoy. Shitty music? Go for it. Bagel sandwiches? Rock that thing, my dudes. All my energy is wrapped up in hating on actual Nazis and Brexit and sexual assault and MAGA hats and open plan offices.
posted by Tomorrowful at 1:52 PM on January 31, 2019 [8 favorites]


closed bagel sandwiches are annoying to consume for me personally, as just because i CAN unhinge my jaw like a snake to devour my prey whole doesn't mean i WANT to.
posted by poffin boffin at 1:57 PM on January 31, 2019 [9 favorites]


This thread is rapidly turning into a mukbang.
posted by praemunire at 2:08 PM on January 31, 2019


I've always felt like bagel sandwiches were dumb. If I'm getting smoked salmon with cream cheese and red onions, I want it on HALF a bagel, x2. Maybe throw some capers and olive oil on there too.
posted by some loser at 2:20 PM on January 31, 2019 [2 favorites]


also i always figured if you're a bagel shop you should probably just focus on your core competency: bagels. Let the sandwich shops handle the sandwiches, that's kinda their thing.
posted by some loser at 2:22 PM on January 31, 2019


The difference between the bagel breakfast sandwich (good) and the bagel cream cheese sandwich (bad) is the cohesion of the filling. If you have a filling that will basically hold itself together, like a fried egg and a slice of cheese, by all means, eat it as a bagel sandwich. If you have cream cheese or jam (or my personal favourite, cream cheese and jam) that is going to squirt all over the place, then open face is the way to go.

However, as long as you avoid the abomination that is a Tim Hortons bagel where they fill the fucking hole with cream cheese, you're probably not going straight to hell or anything.
posted by jacquilynne at 2:22 PM on January 31, 2019 [2 favorites]


also i always figured if you're a bagel shop you should probably just focus on your core competency: bagels. Let the sandwich shops handle the sandwiches, that's kinda their thing.

...I guess this shows just how profoundly bagels have been alienated from their original context.
posted by praemunire at 2:27 PM on January 31, 2019 [1 favorite]


However, as long as you avoid the abomination that is Tim Hortons bagel where they fill the fucking hole with cream cheese, you're probably not going straight to hell or anything.

Well, but...you're supposed to fill the hole with cream cheese and then pile the other stuff, like lox and onion, on top. That's, like, why the hole is there. That's the hole's entire reason for being: it gives you one heavenly bite of nearly pure cream cheese, lox, and onion with very little bagel to interfere. Every bite before the hole prepares you for that sublime moment.

Damn, now I need a bagel with scallion cream cheese.
posted by holborne at 2:46 PM on January 31, 2019 [5 favorites]


P.S. I know why the hole is purportedly there. But really it's for the cream cheese and lox thing.
posted by holborne at 2:49 PM on January 31, 2019 [1 favorite]


Well, but...you're supposed to fill the hole with cream cheese and then pile the other stuff, like lox and onion, on top. That's, like, why the hole is there.

If I wanted to eat cream cheese with my fingers, I would just do that.
posted by jacquilynne at 2:58 PM on January 31, 2019 [3 favorites]


Am I wrong just to eat bagels plain? In my mind, the perfect bagel would have chunks of salt on if, like an obese pretzel.

Salt bagels are totally a thing. My wife loves them. When I started baking bagels I had to order some pretzel salt, which goes both on her salt bagels and in the everything mix. Word of warning: they get stale faster than other bagels. They're really only good within a couple hours of being topped (or frozen, intact, within the same time frame, then baked, intact, to reheat and crisp up the skin).

And you're also not wrong to eat them plain. Whenever I make a batch I always make a plain one just to check the flavor and consistency.
posted by fedward at 3:05 PM on January 31, 2019


Salt bagels are my go-to bagels-and-lox bagel, closely followed by egg bagels, everything bagels, and plain bagels.

The abominations that are 'bagels with fruit' (side-eyeing you, cinnamon raisin bagels) shall not be discussed here.
posted by hanov3r at 3:09 PM on January 31, 2019 [4 favorites]


To my fellow hosers above, those things at Tim Horton are not bagels, regardless of what Steve from marketing decided to merchandise them as. And the accurate name. "Terrible doughnut-shaped dinner rolls that adequately demonstrate we cannot even perform our self-mandated core competency correctly ie. heating fucking dough, plus our coffee is shitty", would never have sold.
posted by Keith Talent at 3:23 PM on January 31, 2019 [1 favorite]


Hey Drew, just scoop that shit.
posted by stupidsexyFlanders at 3:45 PM on January 31, 2019


There should be a MetaFilter tag "foodfight" for such threads. I would read every one.
posted by sjswitzer at 3:56 PM on January 31, 2019 [7 favorites]


> I have never had an open-faced bagel.

I have been reading Metafilter for almost 20 years and this is the most befuddling comment ever.
posted by The corpse in the library at 4:59 PM on January 31, 2019 [7 favorites]


Last time I visited a NYC deli, I ordered 1/2 lb of pastrami and a bagel. I arranged them in my mouth as I saw fit at a later time, usually alternating bits of meat and of bread. I don't know if this is wrong, but it didn't feel wrong.
posted by RobotVoodooPower at 5:00 PM on January 31, 2019 [1 favorite]


Last time I visited a NYC deli, I ordered 1/2 lb of pastrami and a bagel. I arranged them in my mouth as I saw fit at a later time, usually alternating bits of meat and of bread. I don't know if this is wrong, but it didn't feel wrong.
‘Plain on a bun, no toppings.’ I think you’re safe.
posted by Gilgamesh's Chauffeur at 5:34 PM on January 31, 2019


Eh, I had a lox, cream cheese, red onion and capers on an everything bagel sandwich yesterday morning; and I don't regret it one bit.
posted by oneirodynia at 6:10 PM on January 31, 2019 [1 favorite]


I would like to take this opportunity to advocate for the Chicago Bagel Authority. You New Yorkers and Montrealites will be all snobby and shit, but I promise their bagels (and, therefore, bagel sandwiches) are fantastic and you won't care about how it's organized but in how quickly you can stuff it in your gaping maw.

Also, a bagel with cream cheese is always eaten open-face because, duh, that's just how it is.
posted by Big Al 8000 at 6:53 PM on January 31, 2019 [1 favorite]


As a New Yorker, I want to just say that you can get good bagels almost anywhere... it's not the water. Bagel making is about technique, and if you master that, you can make a good bagel anywhere. Even Chicago.

A lot of the terrible bagels in the world are bad not because they're not from New York or Montreal, but because they're just made wrong.
posted by SansPoint at 7:19 PM on January 31, 2019 [5 favorites]


I feel like this is the kind of thing that I should theoretically have strong opinions about, but honestly just put a reasonable amount of the cream cheese or whatever it is on the bagel and it will be structurally sound and fine.
posted by eponym at 7:26 PM on January 31, 2019


Drew is timing his comeback having to follow Ashley Feinberg showing us Jared in shorts in her edition of the Funbag which is a tough act to follow, so it's good that he's 100% correct about bagel opinions.

The first time I had a proper Brooklyn bagel, with cream cheese, it was obviously big enough that eating the top and bottom half at once would be ridiculous. Also the contrast between biting into the top surface and the bottom surface is the genius of a proper bagel.
posted by Space Coyote at 7:45 PM on January 31, 2019 [1 favorite]


Also you eat the top half first because people who put off pleasures they could have right now shouldn't be trusted.
posted by Space Coyote at 7:49 PM on January 31, 2019 [1 favorite]


Am I wrong just to eat bagels plain?

I used to live close to what I'm told even by New Yorkers is a good bagel place in Santa Monica, and once I showed up when they just finished a fresh batch. The proprietor recommended that I skip toppings and just have the bagel.

In the case of freshly made and still warm, you are absolutely not wrong!

Dammit now I want a fresh bagel.
posted by flaterik at 7:53 PM on January 31, 2019 [2 favorites]


My life has been deficient in bagels the last few months, perhaps I need to pick some up this weekend.
posted by tavella at 8:13 PM on January 31, 2019 [1 favorite]


Fresh still-warm bagels are the best thing ever. More than six hours old, though, they must be toasted. Bagel shops making sandwiches out of bagels instead of serving them open face is why I buy the bagels and the toppings separately, and take them home to make them open face for myself. I used to occasionally buy a bagel with cream cheese from a drive thru during a morning commute, and it never ended well.
posted by Daily Alice at 8:29 PM on January 31, 2019 [2 favorites]


Fresh still-warm bagels are the best thing ever. More than six hours old, though, they must be toasted.

Why are you shopping somewhere the bagels are more than six hours old?
posted by praemunire at 9:08 PM on January 31, 2019 [1 favorite]


I have been reading Metafilter for almost 20 years and this is the most befuddling comment ever.

I can top it: I didn't even know that bagels are eaten open-faced. This despite like half my ancestors being Eastern European Jews.
posted by Panthalassa at 2:39 AM on February 1, 2019 [1 favorite]


Why are you shopping somewhere the bagels are more than six hours old?
Because I live in Florida.
posted by Daily Alice at 4:23 AM on February 1, 2019 [3 favorites]


Also you eat the top half first because people who put off pleasures they could have right now shouldn't be trusted.

What kind of weird ass bagels are you eating that have an identifiable top and bottom?
posted by jacquilynne at 4:51 AM on February 1, 2019


The sandwich form really works for the salt beef beigels in London though. Especially with the sinus cleansing English mustard.
posted by koolkat at 4:58 AM on February 1, 2019 [1 favorite]


Personally I’m just ticked that in college my local bagel shop shut down and I was forced to go to Breuggers instead; the minute the local shop shuttered Breuggers cut their hours. And made it impossible for me to get a bagel with cream cheese and lox unless I got a “sandwich” that cost 4x what the local shop used to charge, and even then to get what I actually wanted I had to pay the exorbitant fee AND tell them under no circumstances were they to add anything other than cream cheese and lox (no onion, no capers, how the hell can you be a bagel shop and not offer lox as a standard, standalone topping???)

And anyone who thinks crusty crunchy sandwiches are bad, I disagree. I still dream about the deliciously tough baguette sandwiches I ate for lunch in Spain and France on various trips. Mmmmmmm.
posted by caution live frogs at 5:40 AM on February 1, 2019 [2 favorites]


He's right about at least some fillings needing to be served on open-faced bagels or bialys or whatever. That place that won't toast them, though, fuck that commotion.
posted by Halloween Jack at 6:31 AM on February 1, 2019 [1 favorite]


how the hell can you be a bagel shop and not offer lox as a standard, standalone topping

"Oh, clearly you meant the cream cheese that has chunks of lox embedded in it, not plain cream cheese that has slices of lox on top of it."
posted by tobascodagama at 7:30 AM on February 1, 2019 [1 favorite]


When I lived in Chicago, there was a local coffee place, open very early that had an amazing veggie bagel sandwich - cream cheese, avocado, tomato, onion, cucumber, It was the best breakfast. RIP Half and Half. (It's a Stan's Donuts now, which is a decent consolation).

Other than that, I'm anti bagel sandwiches. Open faced is the way to go. See also pretzel rolls....the bread density overwhelms the fillings and is difficult to bite through.
posted by Fig at 10:25 AM on February 1, 2019


I am with Tomorrowful in that there are bigger things to hate on than this. Also, I like bagel sandwiches and now this thread makes me want to go get one at the restaurant on the way to where I'm going tomorrow, so there.

But really, if you're gonna hate on too-big sandwiches, at least I can put all of a bagel sandwich into my mouth. We have a chain here called Beach Hut Deli in which the sandwiches are so huge, you can't eat them closed (at least I can't) and hell, I can't even fit one half of the open faced end into my entire mouth. I feel like I literally cannot eat their food.
posted by jenfullmoon at 6:40 PM on February 1, 2019


I completely understand both sides of the bagel argument, and a good bagel makes all the difference, but... a friend put me onto cutting a hamburger (or sandwich, but people have usually done this already) in half before eating it, and it has been transformative. Yeah, it's a change of axes, but it does not seem a complete derail. It could even be relevant to bagels!
posted by sjswitzer at 7:19 PM on February 1, 2019 [1 favorite]


Open face, all the way, and also cut in half. If the bagel must be closed up for bagging, a slice of lettuce will take care of that, but a lightly toasted bagel, warm all the way through, cool cream cheese, capers, salmon, is so good. Like many readers of this thread, there's now a bagel in my near future. They are also very good with hummus, tomato, red onion, lettuce.
posted by theora55 at 10:36 AM on February 2, 2019 [1 favorite]


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