a mildly antisocial state would be easy to replicate
February 4, 2019 10:57 AM Subscribe
please, my shitposting is a finely honed art
posted by poffin boffin at 11:29 AM on February 4, 2019 [78 favorites]
posted by poffin boffin at 11:29 AM on February 4, 2019 [78 favorites]
Indefinitely. They'd need access to my cat so that they could post videos and photos, but that's about it.
posted by Stewriffic at 11:31 AM on February 4, 2019 [6 favorites]
posted by Stewriffic at 11:31 AM on February 4, 2019 [6 favorites]
all you have to post is "I'm gonna take a break from this site, if you want other contact info for me, pls send direct message."
from the perspective of my Facebook, Tumblr, and Twitter contacts, I might as well have been murdered in 2012, 2014, and 2016, respectively.
posted by bagel at 11:48 AM on February 4, 2019 [14 favorites]
from the perspective of my Facebook, Tumblr, and Twitter contacts, I might as well have been murdered in 2012, 2014, and 2016, respectively.
posted by bagel at 11:48 AM on February 4, 2019 [14 favorites]
Indeed, the surest sign that I've been murdered and my killer is trying to take over my online life is that I reactivate my Twitter or Facebook accounts.
If you see me posting on LinkedIn, on the other hand, that most likely just means I've been laid off.
posted by tobascodagama at 11:52 AM on February 4, 2019 [5 favorites]
If you see me posting on LinkedIn, on the other hand, that most likely just means I've been laid off.
posted by tobascodagama at 11:52 AM on February 4, 2019 [5 favorites]
If any would-be murderer wishes to adopt all my online personae in order to cover up my demise, then they're welcome to try. Have fun obsessively posting news in the #USPolitics megathreads!
posted by Doktor Zed at 11:55 AM on February 4, 2019 [11 favorites]
posted by Doktor Zed at 11:55 AM on February 4, 2019 [11 favorites]
There's only one major issue, and it's that my murderer better be able to pay my rent and utilities in addition to their own. That's surprisingly encouraging, because it narrows possible murderers to a very small fraction of the people I know. I guess there are upsides to broke friends.
I figure if my murderer is willing to take on social media, they're willing to take on some minor burdens that are less aggravating than social media - like paying my student loans and my taxes and cleaning the bathroom.
posted by entropone at 11:56 AM on February 4, 2019 [5 favorites]
I figure if my murderer is willing to take on social media, they're willing to take on some minor burdens that are less aggravating than social media - like paying my student loans and my taxes and cleaning the bathroom.
posted by entropone at 11:56 AM on February 4, 2019 [5 favorites]
They'd need access to my cat so that they could post videos and photos, but that's about it.
If they've got your phone, 90% of the time they've got all the cat videos and photos they'll need. I mean, what else are phones for?
posted by cstross at 12:06 PM on February 4, 2019 [9 favorites]
If they've got your phone, 90% of the time they've got all the cat videos and photos they'll need. I mean, what else are phones for?
posted by cstross at 12:06 PM on February 4, 2019 [9 favorites]
Hmmm, I dunno. I think the murderer could get away with letting rent and utilities slide for a couple months at least. Eventually the power is shut off, the landlord initiates eviction, sure. But that timeline is several months, and it's not like the long term effect of trashing the victim's credit matters to the killer. Phone and internet are shut off a lot sooner. I think those are all they need to pay, to keep up the pretense that the victim's still there for the first few months.
And if the killer has control of all the victim's accounts, and they're not paying any rent/utilities/food, whatever little money the victim had, might cover the phone/internet bill for those few months. Even if the victim lives paycheck to paycheck, if the murderer knocks them off right after they were paid and before they paid their bills, much of that last paycheck would remain available to cover the rearranged priorities.
Yeesh, what a creepy train of thought. I watched the first ten minutes of "You" last night and decided I didn't want to stick with it. Interesting premise, and looked well done, but the creeping dread was unpleasant; I decided I didn't want to feel it.
posted by elizilla at 12:15 PM on February 4, 2019 [2 favorites]
And if the killer has control of all the victim's accounts, and they're not paying any rent/utilities/food, whatever little money the victim had, might cover the phone/internet bill for those few months. Even if the victim lives paycheck to paycheck, if the murderer knocks them off right after they were paid and before they paid their bills, much of that last paycheck would remain available to cover the rearranged priorities.
Yeesh, what a creepy train of thought. I watched the first ten minutes of "You" last night and decided I didn't want to stick with it. Interesting premise, and looked well done, but the creeping dread was unpleasant; I decided I didn't want to feel it.
posted by elizilla at 12:15 PM on February 4, 2019 [2 favorites]
I'm not even sure I'm not actually my murderer impersonating me.
posted by acb at 12:17 PM on February 4, 2019 [30 favorites]
posted by acb at 12:17 PM on February 4, 2019 [30 favorites]
What if my murderer got more followers than me.
posted by Grandysaur at 12:23 PM on February 4, 2019 [28 favorites]
posted by Grandysaur at 12:23 PM on February 4, 2019 [28 favorites]
if you did a video zooming in on any plant and wrote “she’s doing it,” it could be mistaken for my work.
Sounds like some good material, honestly.
posted by Emmy Rae at 12:27 PM on February 4, 2019 [3 favorites]
Sounds like some good material, honestly.
posted by Emmy Rae at 12:27 PM on February 4, 2019 [3 favorites]
I'm positive I've murdered and impersonated myself more than once and have empirical evidence.
If anyone else wants to try I wish you the best of luck. You're going to need it. Being me is fucking weird.
brb, putting on boots to go play snow witch in a rare heavy snow and talk to the trees.
posted by loquacious at 12:29 PM on February 4, 2019 [4 favorites]
If anyone else wants to try I wish you the best of luck. You're going to need it. Being me is fucking weird.
brb, putting on boots to go play snow witch in a rare heavy snow and talk to the trees.
posted by loquacious at 12:29 PM on February 4, 2019 [4 favorites]
I can't imagine anyone being masochistic enough to murder me, then keep up the abysmal-pun comments on Metafilter. Though I can certainly imagine someone murdering me because of the puns...
posted by Greg_Ace at 12:29 PM on February 4, 2019 [9 favorites]
posted by Greg_Ace at 12:29 PM on February 4, 2019 [9 favorites]
How murdered are you normally?
posted by Greg_Ace at 12:35 PM on February 4, 2019 [32 favorites]
posted by Greg_Ace at 12:35 PM on February 4, 2019 [32 favorites]
Yet another extrovert privilege. If my spouse doesn't notice AND my lovingly nosy family doesn't notice, surely some of my friends will notice I haven't invited them to/attended 17 events in the next month.
Which gets me wondering... are they all really introverts who like to stay in or have they been MURDERED THIS WHOLE TIME
posted by Emmy Rae at 12:42 PM on February 4, 2019 [18 favorites]
Which gets me wondering... are they all really introverts who like to stay in or have they been MURDERED THIS WHOLE TIME
posted by Emmy Rae at 12:42 PM on February 4, 2019 [18 favorites]
Unless I got murdered by someone who was also in fandom, they would probably fail immediately upon getting onto Discord. But even the person who managed to find their way around the multiple fandom servers where people expect to see me would probably set off warning bells pretty quickly unless they feel like doing about six weeks doing some deep dive to figure out which reaction images basically serve as our flock calls.
On the other hand, I took until the fourth message in the above exchange to even figure out that there were two Gregs. Probably half my friends are imposters and I've never noticed. I might just be friends with a bunch of murderers at this point, if we're still hanging out online as much as we do. So basically the key for murdering anybody I know is to be into all the same TV shows they are.
posted by Sequence at 12:43 PM on February 4, 2019 [9 favorites]
On the other hand, I took until the fourth message in the above exchange to even figure out that there were two Gregs. Probably half my friends are imposters and I've never noticed. I might just be friends with a bunch of murderers at this point, if we're still hanging out online as much as we do. So basically the key for murdering anybody I know is to be into all the same TV shows they are.
posted by Sequence at 12:43 PM on February 4, 2019 [9 favorites]
If someone starts posting pictures of my cats without talking about how adorable their fluffy feet are, please alert authorities.
posted by bile and syntax at 12:51 PM on February 4, 2019 [13 favorites]
posted by bile and syntax at 12:51 PM on February 4, 2019 [13 favorites]
Playing videogames with friends would actually protect me. No way they'd believe I was taking a hiking retreat social media detox. My murderer would have to get on Rocket League and score those car soccer goals! If he ups my average saves per game... silver lining, I guess.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 12:54 PM on February 4, 2019 [2 favorites]
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 12:54 PM on February 4, 2019 [2 favorites]
something something faked my own death to get my would-be murderer to take over the social media chores.
posted by suetanvil at 12:54 PM on February 4, 2019 [3 favorites]
posted by suetanvil at 12:54 PM on February 4, 2019 [3 favorites]
Yeah, this actually happened: Florida Man Allegedly Fooled Family Into Believing Murdered Wife Was Still Alive
posted by gwint at 1:24 PM on February 4, 2019 [5 favorites]
posted by gwint at 1:24 PM on February 4, 2019 [5 favorites]
Metafilter: are they all really introverts who like to stay in or have they been MURDERED THIS WHOLE TIME
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 1:49 PM on February 4, 2019 [17 favorites]
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 1:49 PM on February 4, 2019 [17 favorites]
It would be Florida Man, wouldn't it?
posted by elizilla at 2:05 PM on February 4, 2019 [3 favorites]
posted by elizilla at 2:05 PM on February 4, 2019 [3 favorites]
If you live in FL, the papers regularly feature stories of retirees who die, in more or less suspicious circumstances, and the survivors - a wife, an in-law, another co-habiting retiree, a child still living with the parent - continue to collect the pensions and social security for months or years. No impersonation on social media necessary for this demographic.
So, less uncommon than you think.
posted by sudogeek at 2:06 PM on February 4, 2019 [2 favorites]
So, less uncommon than you think.
posted by sudogeek at 2:06 PM on February 4, 2019 [2 favorites]
Man, Florida.
posted by Pembquist at 2:09 PM on February 4, 2019 [2 favorites]
posted by Pembquist at 2:09 PM on February 4, 2019 [2 favorites]
this is exactly the sort of post someone who'd murdered not_the_water would make
posted by BungaDunga at 2:09 PM on February 4, 2019 [8 favorites]
posted by BungaDunga at 2:09 PM on February 4, 2019 [8 favorites]
Today I am feeling very excited that I work in an office with other people!
posted by medusa at 2:34 PM on February 4, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by medusa at 2:34 PM on February 4, 2019 [1 favorite]
i feel like my wife would notice. she would be like "hmm Greg seems much more murdered than usual"
Well if your wife murdered you she'd probably notice right away I'm guessing. Unless she's one of those absent-minded dreamy murderers?
posted by BrotherCaine at 2:42 PM on February 4, 2019 [3 favorites]
Well if your wife murdered you she'd probably notice right away I'm guessing. Unless she's one of those absent-minded dreamy murderers?
posted by BrotherCaine at 2:42 PM on February 4, 2019 [3 favorites]
MurderFilter
posted by chavenet at 3:00 PM on February 4, 2019 [6 favorites]
posted by chavenet at 3:00 PM on February 4, 2019 [6 favorites]
I post to Twitter kind of a lot. If my murderer were a friend, they could probably fake being me convincingly for a while. It's like, retweet Black Metal Cats, star a few goth chick selfies, retweet some pretentious movie account that's mostly gifs from Tarkovsky, say something about an ex-girlfriend that's mean, bitter and also somehow vaguely flattering in case she's reading (spoiler alert: this is probably my murderer), and that's the ball game. I think sustaining my avalanche of daily bullshit might be the problem, though. Eventually they would get bored. I never get bored.
Never.
posted by kittens for breakfast at 3:14 PM on February 4, 2019 [8 favorites]
Never.
posted by kittens for breakfast at 3:14 PM on February 4, 2019 [8 favorites]
Pretending to be me online is going to effectively preclude my murderer from committing any other crimes, so you're welcome.
posted by lucidium at 3:18 PM on February 4, 2019 [5 favorites]
posted by lucidium at 3:18 PM on February 4, 2019 [5 favorites]
He won't mind if I drink that reheated coffee from the microwave, NOW. OH YUM, there's cake! I could get used to this.
posted by Oyéah at 3:19 PM on February 4, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by Oyéah at 3:19 PM on February 4, 2019 [1 favorite]
o plz
mefi know hao
first be smart from the very beginning.
posted by lalochezia at 3:21 PM on February 4, 2019 [14 favorites]
mefi know hao
first be smart from the very beginning.
posted by lalochezia at 3:21 PM on February 4, 2019 [14 favorites]
The only accountability I have is to organisers
Yeah, good luck faking my union organizing, murderers! Ha-HA!
posted by corb at 3:22 PM on February 4, 2019 [5 favorites]
Yeah, good luck faking my union organizing, murderers! Ha-HA!
posted by corb at 3:22 PM on February 4, 2019 [5 favorites]
hey if you guys notice I haven't posted or commented on Fanfare within a week please contact the authorities immediately
also, if I do and I'm not writing at least 200 words it's also a red flag
posted by numaner at 3:36 PM on February 4, 2019 [1 favorite]
also, if I do and I'm not writing at least 200 words it's also a red flag
posted by numaner at 3:36 PM on February 4, 2019 [1 favorite]
and cleaning the bathroom
my bathrooms are always kept immaculate so if you see pee stains on the rim of the toilet bowl call the goddamn cops ASAP
posted by numaner at 3:38 PM on February 4, 2019 [1 favorite]
my bathrooms are always kept immaculate so if you see pee stains on the rim of the toilet bowl call the goddamn cops ASAP
posted by numaner at 3:38 PM on February 4, 2019 [1 favorite]
Maybe the real friends were the murderers impersonating them we met online?
posted by maxwelton at 4:01 PM on February 4, 2019 [10 favorites]
posted by maxwelton at 4:01 PM on February 4, 2019 [10 favorites]
I'm thinking of faking my own murder so that my fake murderer will take over my social media accounts and I'll have time to get some work done, but I'm worried I'll get sucked into listening to some true crime podcast digging into the dubious circumstances of my murder and then comment about it and have people tell me to mind my own business and stop using that dead guy's name to pretend to be the guy who's pretending to be him, that's not cool on a number of levels.
posted by nickzoic at 4:07 PM on February 4, 2019 [4 favorites]
posted by nickzoic at 4:07 PM on February 4, 2019 [4 favorites]
"What if someone murdered me and then impersonated me online? Like in this text?"
"Does the murderer complain less and throw fewer pity parties--which, statistically, is almost inevitable? Do you really want me to ask them 'Hey, you seem way cooler than the maxwelton I know, where's his body?'"
"Um."
"Just look at it like this: By not asking them, I'm just saying I ultimately believe you're capable of being cool, even if you aren't right now."
"...thanks?"
posted by maxwelton at 4:27 PM on February 4, 2019 [1 favorite]
"Does the murderer complain less and throw fewer pity parties--which, statistically, is almost inevitable? Do you really want me to ask them 'Hey, you seem way cooler than the maxwelton I know, where's his body?'"
"Um."
"Just look at it like this: By not asking them, I'm just saying I ultimately believe you're capable of being cool, even if you aren't right now."
"...thanks?"
posted by maxwelton at 4:27 PM on February 4, 2019 [1 favorite]
i feel like my wife would notice. she would be like "hmm Greg seems much more murdered than usual"
posted by Greg Nog at 12:34 PM on February 4
How murdered are you normally?
posted by Greg_Ace at 12:35 PM on February 4
thats an awful a quick response from ace to nog
looks greg-ly suspicious
who is murderin who
posted by lalochezia at 4:41 PM on February 4, 2019 [5 favorites]
We murdered each other, then switched places.
posted by Greg_Ace at 4:56 PM on February 4, 2019 [5 favorites]
posted by Greg_Ace at 4:56 PM on February 4, 2019 [5 favorites]
Finally, butt-in-seat workplaces have a justification for their requirement.
A murderer would have to murder me Friday night if they wanted to have the whole weekend to get away with it. Come Monday morning, people would be wondering where I was and why my work wasn’t being moved through the queue. Still plenty long enough to get away with a murder, but I don’t think I’d go undiscovered for very long.
posted by Autumnheart at 6:44 PM on February 4, 2019
A murderer would have to murder me Friday night if they wanted to have the whole weekend to get away with it. Come Monday morning, people would be wondering where I was and why my work wasn’t being moved through the queue. Still plenty long enough to get away with a murder, but I don’t think I’d go undiscovered for very long.
posted by Autumnheart at 6:44 PM on February 4, 2019
I'm not sure anyone would notice. Well, now I'm sad. Thanks. I'll just be over here, waiting for Greg's wife, if anyone needs me.
posted by SecretAgentSockpuppet at 6:46 PM on February 4, 2019 [3 favorites]
posted by SecretAgentSockpuppet at 6:46 PM on February 4, 2019 [3 favorites]
We murdered each other, then switched places.
the greggy duke show
posted by poffin boffin at 6:55 PM on February 4, 2019 [5 favorites]
the greggy duke show
posted by poffin boffin at 6:55 PM on February 4, 2019 [5 favorites]
Come Monday morning, people would be wondering where I was
If I didn’t show up for work, murder would be the last thing people would suspect. “So he finally decided to stop showing up, eh? I guess he actually wasn’t just mouthing off this whole time” they’d say.
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 7:14 PM on February 4, 2019 [3 favorites]
If I didn’t show up for work, murder would be the last thing people would suspect. “So he finally decided to stop showing up, eh? I guess he actually wasn’t just mouthing off this whole time” they’d say.
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 7:14 PM on February 4, 2019 [3 favorites]
If you want my life, you don't have to kill me for it
Make me an offer
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 7:59 PM on February 4, 2019 [3 favorites]
Make me an offer
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 7:59 PM on February 4, 2019 [3 favorites]
I have two weekly in-person social things with friends. Presuming the murderer has my phone, they could probably blow them off for a bit but eventually someone would probably start to wonder why I wasn't showing up after 15+ years.
posted by tavella at 8:13 PM on February 4, 2019
posted by tavella at 8:13 PM on February 4, 2019
If you want my life, you don't have to kill me for it
Make me an offer
I got a torn dollar bill, two Canadian pennies, and a neat-looking pebble...
posted by Greg_Ace at 9:05 PM on February 4, 2019 [1 favorite]
Make me an offer
I got a torn dollar bill, two Canadian pennies, and a neat-looking pebble...
posted by Greg_Ace at 9:05 PM on February 4, 2019 [1 favorite]
My girlfriend, who I am seeing in an LDR, recently mentioned to me that she is worried that if I am in an accident or am otherwise killed, it is likely no one would realize for weeks, or months.
Keeping with the topic:
My Facebook profile is arranged to look nonsensical, and I post only sporadically. I have almost no other social media presence.
I talk to my parents very infrequently, and likewise have sparse contact with close friends living elsewhere. I am only marginally employed on a contractual basis at a workplace where people frequently skip days or quit showing up altogether.
My partner is alone in being probably the only person who’d be able to suss out that I’m dead or being impersonated.
I feel like I’m a living meme of millennial urban isolation. Durkheim would be horrified.
posted by constantinescharity at 11:09 PM on February 4, 2019
Keeping with the topic:
My Facebook profile is arranged to look nonsensical, and I post only sporadically. I have almost no other social media presence.
I talk to my parents very infrequently, and likewise have sparse contact with close friends living elsewhere. I am only marginally employed on a contractual basis at a workplace where people frequently skip days or quit showing up altogether.
My partner is alone in being probably the only person who’d be able to suss out that I’m dead or being impersonated.
I feel like I’m a living meme of millennial urban isolation. Durkheim would be horrified.
posted by constantinescharity at 11:09 PM on February 4, 2019
Imitating my Facebook posts would be pretty damn simple, upon consideration.
If you’re a murderer of the deranged sort, it’d be easier for you than for me. It’s all garbled phrases, links to low quality videos posted at odd hours, and improperly-cropped, grainy, compressed-to-hell jpeg thumbnails of unassorted research papers.
posted by constantinescharity at 11:14 PM on February 4, 2019
If you’re a murderer of the deranged sort, it’d be easier for you than for me. It’s all garbled phrases, links to low quality videos posted at odd hours, and improperly-cropped, grainy, compressed-to-hell jpeg thumbnails of unassorted research papers.
posted by constantinescharity at 11:14 PM on February 4, 2019
Hello loquacious here. You know I've been thinking and I'm starting to like Trump!
Say, does anyone want to hang out? I just got a new BBQ, and about a quarter of a steer, anyone wanna grill some burgers and ribs?
God Bless!!! 😇🙏
posted by loquacious at 11:28 PM on February 4, 2019 [5 favorites]
Say, does anyone want to hang out? I just got a new BBQ, and about a quarter of a steer, anyone wanna grill some burgers and ribs?
God Bless!!! 😇🙏
posted by loquacious at 11:28 PM on February 4, 2019 [5 favorites]
Murderer makes well thought out plan to kill gusottertrout and then imitate him online to keep the murder a secret. Researches gusottertout's post history to be able to duplicate his style of writing. After reading that history he abandons the effort in disgust and decides to find different victim who writes like a normal person instead. gusottertrout is saved! Hurrah!
posted by gusottertrout at 1:11 AM on February 5, 2019 [2 favorites]
posted by gusottertrout at 1:11 AM on February 5, 2019 [2 favorites]
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There's only one major issue, and it's that my murderer better be able to pay my rent and utilities in addition to their own. That's surprisingly encouraging, because it narrows possible murderers to a very small fraction of the people I know. I guess there are upsides to broke friends.
posted by AnhydrousLove at 11:24 AM on February 4, 2019 [9 favorites]