“Ribbed with bacon”

February 7, 2019 5:13 AM

(Increasingly NSFW) As Valentine's Day nears, upmarket Marks and Spencer lead the way with appropriately marketed food delights (more) while offering a vegan option. Alternatives exist: Aldi will do you steak and chips for seven quid, over which you can propose with a £1 engagement ring (20,000 sold to date), or perhaps doughnuts or a Big Mac or a bouquet, but not Sweethearts. And also in the USA, fine dining seatings will begin at 4 p.m. on the 14th of February, while back in England in t'north, thar be romantic pudding. Non-food alternatives, such as roses for a good cause, or playing Fortnite, are available. Five pounds to spend? Ask a cashier for 'Justin'.
posted by Wordshore (37 comments total)

It was virtually unnecessary to read more than the title and first sentence to know who posted this. Well done, Wordshore. Thank you.
posted by Bella Donna at 5:21 AM on February 7, 2019 [6 favorites]

I'll point out that in Nottingham, you don't need to ask a cashier for Justin - they are prominently displayed near the self checkouts.

I'm still disappointed they're £5. It's Poundland. I want to take £10 and get 10 fleshy purple vibrators, not 2!
posted by Katemonkey at 5:23 AM on February 7, 2019 [2 favorites]

Poundland missed a trick; had they released a £1 ring a few months earlier, they could have cashed in on cuffing season.
posted by acb at 5:25 AM on February 7, 2019 [2 favorites]

I can't wait for Ashens to review the seasonal offerings of the land of pound.
posted by Vesihiisi at 5:26 AM on February 7, 2019 [4 favorites]

It strikes me that Wordshore might find the phrase “romantic pudding” to be a tautology. Surely, as 14 February approaches, young hearts brim with thoughts of crust and gravy.
posted by GenjiandProust at 5:37 AM on February 7, 2019 [3 favorites]

The thing about Sweethearts is - they used to be made by a company that also made a much-maligned candy wafer that I liked but most others around me disliked. There was much laughing and "well, no wonder" when the company went out of business, and I've been having the last laugh watching all those people realize that "oh, wait, we also lose Sweethearts? Hang on, that changes things."
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 5:47 AM on February 7, 2019 [4 favorites]

A few tweets reacting to that Marks and Spencer ... food item:

* Jane Adams: I'll be honest - I don't want this from M&S. It's a bit like getting a sext from your mum.
* Matt Sandry: Hi, I just asked a colleague at work if they wanted a bite of this product and everything has escalted so quickly I have an HR disciplinary at 2.
* Martin: Does that get delivered by the trademan's entrance?

(Several others that are too crude for this family website so I'll just leave this here instead)
posted by Wordshore at 5:48 AM on February 7, 2019 [3 favorites]

I cannot use a vibrator that has a name. Plus which that's my nephew's name.

[is now turned off permanently]
posted by JanetLand at 5:50 AM on February 7, 2019 [3 favorites]

The thing about Sweethearts is - they used to be made by a company that also made a much-maligned candy wafer that I liked but most others around me disliked. There was much laughing and "well, no wonder" when the company went out of business, and I've been having the last laugh watching all those people realize that "oh, wait, we also lose Sweethearts? Hang on, that changes things."

For further MeFi discussion of Necco's demise, see Iris Gambol's recent post A Little Less Conversation.
posted by zamboni at 5:51 AM on February 7, 2019 [2 favorites]

I'd put sriracha on that sausage and take a big bite whilst looking whomever gave it to me in the eye.
posted by Vesihiisi at 5:51 AM on February 7, 2019 [1 favorite]

TIL that Poundland is the name of a real store that typically sells products that aren't NSFW.
posted by schmod at 5:57 AM on February 7, 2019 [10 favorites]

JanetLand: "I cannot use a vibrator that has a name. Plus which that's my nephew's name. "

I'm sincerely sorry that your relatives named their child Poundland.
posted by schmod at 5:58 AM on February 7, 2019 [16 favorites]

Marks and Sparks just closed their branch in my town and I was a bit sad for the old ladies who won't have it to potter about in anymore, but now I'm glad they won't have to be exposed to.. that.

I could've enjoyed a whole vegan valentine's meal for one though, damn.
posted by mymbleth at 6:05 AM on February 7, 2019 [1 favorite]

Old ladies have had a lot of… exposure to things. I don't think they'd mind.
posted by Vesihiisi at 6:09 AM on February 7, 2019 [3 favorites]

I'm sincerely sorry that your relatives named their child Poundland.

Yeah, bad planning. No one was thinking ahead.
posted by JanetLand at 6:12 AM on February 7, 2019 [5 favorites]

All the other links, okay, sure, the English, what are you going to do, but people don't make their own yorkshire puddings? Yorkshire puddings are simple, and I suspect bought ones are kind of gross even if they're heart-shaped.
posted by Frowner at 6:18 AM on February 7, 2019 [4 favorites]

I'd totally get a heart shaped sausage and eat it all by myself.
posted by Ashwagandha at 6:20 AM on February 7, 2019 [3 favorites]

Do you know what would be really cool? If you had a heart-shaped poo afterwards.
posted by Vesihiisi at 6:22 AM on February 7, 2019 [3 favorites]

I think you'd need one of those German shelf toilets to really get the most out it.
posted by Ashwagandha at 6:34 AM on February 7, 2019 [2 favorites]

CBS News: This zoo will name a cockroach after your ex, then feed it to a meerkat on Valentine's Day.
posted by Wordshore at 6:37 AM on February 7, 2019 [4 favorites]

[is now turned off permanently]

That does sound like a bit of a... buzzkill.
posted by traveler_ at 6:50 AM on February 7, 2019 [3 favorites]

J U S T I N   B A I L E Y
-  -  -  -  -  -   -  -  -  -  -  -
posted by Rock Steady at 7:05 AM on February 7, 2019 [1 favorite]

I'm still disappointed they're £5. It's Poundland. I want to take £10 and get 10 fleshy purple vibrators, not 2!

I would ask what you would need ten for, but I am well aware that the correct answer is "Anything I want."

#8 is a drink-stirrer for festive occasions, #9 is my favorite paperweight for my work desk, Ruffles is happily gnawing on #6 right now...
posted by delfin at 7:28 AM on February 7, 2019 [3 favorites]

I have seen Sweethearts in the grocery stores around here (New Hampshire) very recently. I assume stores just have year-old (or older) stashes of them that they're selling.
posted by sarcasticah at 8:07 AM on February 7, 2019 [1 favorite]

I would ask what you would need ten for...

Dildo races.
posted by Katemonkey at 8:28 AM on February 7, 2019 [5 favorites]

I suspect bought ones are kind of gross even if they're heart-shaped.

The frozen batter ones suck, but the pre-cooked and then frozen ones aren't that bad, especially if you use them as the "bread" for a roast beef and gravy sandwich.
posted by howfar at 9:45 AM on February 7, 2019 [1 favorite]

Marking my calendar for the 15th, so I can get chocolates and Love Sausage on clearance to stock my freezer for future indulgences.
posted by Fig at 11:04 AM on February 7, 2019 [3 favorites]

Our family has done the "reservations at White Castle" thing for the last six or seven years. It's a delight. They cover the tables with red cloths and the fluorescent lights with crepe paper, put candles and flowers on the table, print out special menus (including the Crave Case noted as "Market Price", have doing-the-best-that-they-can table service, and treat it with just the right mix of silliness and earnestness. It's a special night and a celebration but you are eating Belly Bombers. Everyone there is having fun.
posted by AgentRocket at 11:59 AM on February 7, 2019 [4 favorites]

And if Poundland doesn't manage to clear its oversupply of engagement rings by Valentine's Day, you know already that they'll discount them down to two for a pound for the remainder of the year.
posted by avapoet at 2:49 PM on February 7, 2019 [1 favorite]

I made a placeholder ring out of Rizla+, which was much more economical than spending a whole pound, and also the shops weren't open at 2am.

That marriage went as well as could be expected.
posted by howfar at 2:54 PM on February 7, 2019 [1 favorite]

arking my calendar for the 15th, so I can get chocolates and Love Sausage on clearance to stock my freezer for future indulgences.

On my wall calendar there is a big note in the 15th declaring it "Cheap Candy Day!" (My roommate and I are both single. I'm VERY single - I have only ever had an SO on Valentine's Day twice ever - and I've learned to take my fun where i can.)

For the 14th proper, I managed to get tickets just in time for something - the Nitehawk Cinema chain in Brooklyn (an indie movie theater with two locations) is having a special classic film night on Valentine's Day at each of its locations. The Williamsburg one has the silent Buster Keaton film Seven Chances, complete with a live pianist, but I'm going for the Prospect Park location's screening of Casablanca. Which sounds lovely.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 2:55 PM on February 7, 2019 [3 favorites]

I'm still disappointed they're £5. It's Poundland.

"unit of currency" is absolutely not what I thought that store name meant
posted by flaterik at 3:07 PM on February 7, 2019 [5 favorites]

What says love more than a big Yorkshire pudding full of gravy?

I really want to go somewhere in the UK and just ... eat. Seriously, I have never had a Yorkshire pudding or lots of other things. Even the grocery store menus for Valentine's sounded tasty. I suppose I will wait until after Brexit to make sure there's actually food to eat but my guess is there will be and I aim to get some of it.
posted by Bella Donna at 3:23 PM on February 7, 2019 [2 favorites]

Same, Bella Donna! MefieldTrip??
posted by Fig at 3:31 PM on February 7, 2019 [2 favorites]

In a heartbeat, Fig!
posted by Bella Donna at 3:40 PM on February 7, 2019 [2 favorites]

So your first stop, in London, will be Borough Market, which will paint some picture of the diversity of British food. You will then proceed to St John, for their idiosyncratic, but perfectly restrained, delivery of "a kind of British cooking". From there you will need to find someone with good taste to take you to their favourite Indian restaurant...
posted by howfar at 3:41 PM on February 7, 2019 [3 favorites]

I'm still disappointed they're £5. It's Poundland.

Wait, is Poundland the UK version of the dollar stores in the USA? It makes me sad they have those in other countries too.
posted by straight at 4:41 PM on February 8, 2019