The Five Families of Feces

February 7, 2019 2:03 PM

The New York City porta-potty business is as dirty as you’d think. But one man keeps coming up smelling like roses. (David Gauvey Herbert, New York Magazine)

You can’t get denser routes than in New York City, which makes it a major prize. But the market is a nightmare to navigate — traffic, tolls, angry unions, toilets that need to be lowered by crane from skyscrapers. A small group of competitors controls the industry: “the big five.” Mr. John is clean-cut and corporate. Abe Breuer, a wiry Hasidic Jew, runs John to Go from Rockland County. A Royal Flush owns the special-events market and enjoys an enviable 7,000-toilet contract with New York Road Runners to clean up after nervous, caffeinated runners. Johnny on the Spot is now part of a national chain. Over a four-decade career, Charlie’s Call-a-Head has held its own.

But now, Charlie might fall off his throne. More than 1,300 former pump-truck drivers, the men who literally haul his shit, are part of a class-action lawsuit that could put him out of business. The rest of the big five covet his empire.

“They would love for us to get destroyed,” Charlie says, though it’s quite a vague “they.” Spend enough time in his world and you wonder if he’s perhaps the most hated man in the city. Kimberly Howard nods. “Business,” she says, “is war.”

posted by Johnny Wallflower (13 comments total)

Season 7 of The Sopranos just writes itself.
posted by Fizz at 2:13 PM on February 7, 2019 [2 favorites]

Johnny. JOHNNY. Poop month is over Johnny. POOP MONTH IS OVER.

great article tho.
posted by Homo neanderthalensis at 2:30 PM on February 7, 2019 [13 favorites]

The Five Families of Feces

Until I read about the "big five" competitors, I initially read the title as referencing different categories of feces, and wondered if this was an amendment or a rebuttal (sory) to the Bristol chart.
posted by Greg_Ace at 3:11 PM on February 7, 2019 [4 favorites]

Metafilter: Live every month like it’s Poop Month
posted by Jon_Evil at 3:30 PM on February 7, 2019 [9 favorites]

Oh, shit!


_{(I couldn't resist.)}
posted by Quackles at 3:57 PM on February 7, 2019

It was just a speed bump for Charlie, who was busy developing new theories, like “The grass is always greener.” He let competitors ink the initial waste contracts on new job sites. Call-a-Head spies scouted the city for rival toilets, then Charlie dispatched pairs of salesgirls — one all business, the other all flirt. “As soon as Mr. John messes up,” Charlie says, “they’re thinkin’ of those girls.” Weiner began hearing stories about provocatively dressed young women entering job sites to cascades of wolf whistles. “It might be a little Hooters-ish,” says Ray Luden, a regional manager for PolyJohn, a portable-toilet manufacturer, “but it works!” Charlie’s best salesgirls today make $150,000 a year.

I'm gonna need a spreadsheet to keep all of the double entendres in this one single paragraph straight.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 4:01 PM on February 7, 2019 [1 favorite]

Lots of jokes to be made here, but this...I dunno, I appreciate the pragmatism: "On September 12, 2001, Weiner personally led a convoy of trucks to deliver 100 porta-potties to ground zero for rescue workers." A good, sensible act on a tough day. Interesting article, Johnny; thanks.
posted by MonkeyToes at 4:33 PM on February 7, 2019 [2 favorites]

I was on a bus in Queens and I told my friend I needed to take a shit. He told me there was a porta-potty in Forest Hills. "No thanks," I said. "I prefer Flushing."
posted by duffell at 5:59 PM on February 7, 2019 [6 favorites]

(rimshot) ka-sploop, fizzzzzzzzzz
posted by Greg_Ace at 6:11 PM on February 7, 2019 [4 favorites]

It was just a speed bump for Charlie, who was busy developing new theories, like “The grass is always greener.” He let competitors ink the initial waste contracts on new job sites. Call-a-Head spies scouted the city for rival toilets, then Charlie dispatched pairs of salesgirls — one all business, the other all flirt. “As soon as Mr. John messes up,” Charlie says, “they’re thinkin’ of those girls.” Weiner began hearing stories about provocatively dressed young women entering job sites to cascades of wolf whistles. “It might be a little Hooters-ish,” says Ray Luden, a regional manager for PolyJohn, a portable-toilet manufacturer, “but it works!” Charlie’s best salesgirls today make $150,000 a year.

So didn't he just confess in print to hiring discrimination on the basis of sex, which is illegal even in the U.S., I assume.
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 7:23 PM on February 7, 2019

Hooters gets around that murky legality by classifying their waitstaff as "entertainers," I believe.

So it is entirely possible that a portable shitter company hires entertainers to sell their portable shitting units to skeevy dudes.

A microcosm of the United States of America, one nation, under God, in this the year 2019.
posted by duffell at 11:01 PM on February 7, 2019

There is nothing in the world I love more than the names of Port-a-Potty businesses.
posted by drlith at 5:57 AM on February 8, 2019

There is nothing in the world I love more than the names of Port-a-Potty businesses.

Oh, drlith, have I got a treat for you....
posted by MonkeyToes at 6:15 AM on February 8, 2019 [3 favorites]