Does the basement have ample closet space for bondage equipment?

February 8, 2019 3:28 PM

Selling a large suburban house with a sex room in the basement. Realtor is facing some hostility. The listing. I'm surprised-- the price seems kind of low considering the size and luxuriousness.
posted by Nancy Lebovitz (109 comments total)

Wasn't this just on the Blue earlier today?
posted by Mogur at 3:31 PM on February 8, 2019 [2 favorites]

How to get a million people to look at your listing.
posted by ActingTheGoat at 3:35 PM on February 8, 2019 [6 favorites]

Wasn't this just on the Blue earlier today?
Yes, but the previous post was taken down because "This post was deleted for the following reason: It looks like the interesting stuff has been removed from the listing, sorry. -- restless_nomad"
posted by Multicellular Exothermic at 3:35 PM on February 8, 2019 [3 favorites]

For those curious, screencaps of said "oasis" (NSFW for tastefully staged sex dungeon.)
posted by NoxAeternum at 3:41 PM on February 8, 2019 [2 favorites]

Melissa, there was one thing in the house that really, truly, shocked me. The island sinks in the master bath.

Thank god for good reporters who get to the bottom of the real mystery.
posted by muddgirl at 3:44 PM on February 8, 2019 [23 favorites]

Wow, this seems like much ado about nothing? Like, what the fuck is it to you what your neighbors do in their basement? Don't like it, don't go in there. You're probably not invited anyway.

I get that a lot of people don't like BDSM. BDSM is problematic! It's problematic even to many of the people who are into it! But it's super, super common. Like, boringly common. So much so that all this outrage feels almost manufactured somehow.

It's not like the photos even show anything happening, it's just some furniture.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 3:45 PM on February 8, 2019 [18 favorites]

Should make for a rather unorthodox inspection process.
posted by allkindsoftime at 3:52 PM on February 8, 2019

More info at The Daily Mail
posted by Sunday Morning at 3:54 PM on February 8, 2019

But it's super, super common. Like, boringly common. So much so that all this outrage feels almost manufactured somehow.

Other than the neighbors quoted in the Slate article, I haven’t seen any outrage about this, just people who think it’s funny to be clicking through real estate images of a tastefully appointed suburban home and then find a bunch of pictures of somebody’s rather elaborate sex equipment. People don’t usually put that in their real estate listings!
posted by Horace Rumpole at 3:55 PM on February 8, 2019 [22 favorites]

Comedy often derives from incongruous juxtapositions, is what I’m saying.
posted by Horace Rumpole at 3:56 PM on February 8, 2019 [22 favorites]

So, does the listing specify which appliances are included in the list price?
posted by Huffy Puffy at 3:57 PM on February 8, 2019 [2 favorites]

Should make for a rather unorthodox inspection process.

Not to mention an unusual Airbnb listing.
posted by jamjam at 4:01 PM on February 8, 2019 [1 favorite]

I really need someone to do an annotated version of these photos for me. Like, the swing, I understand how that works. Flogger, I get it. What the hell is the articulated robot hand for?
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 4:01 PM on February 8, 2019 [5 favorites]

So many questions.

1.The listing is obviously staged, so why leave the sex dungeon stuff where it was unless to generate clicks?
2. Does this make the property more relatable? How many Americans can say that their kink is the only interesting thing about them? These people, clearly, probably many more.
3. Was it an intentional choice to echo the black bearskin rug from the sex dungeon in the den and master bedroom?
4. How do they keep it so clean? They must pay their housekeeper a lot.
5. Are they exhibitionists? It seems like maybe telling everyone in this way is part of the fun.
posted by mai at 4:02 PM on February 8, 2019 [9 favorites]

American Borer Story.
posted by clavdivs at 4:02 PM on February 8, 2019 [5 favorites]

That is a very bright dungeon. I'd call it more of a sex galleria. Pleasure atrium?

That bathroom island sink is something else entirely.
posted by Fig at 4:02 PM on February 8, 2019 [54 favorites]

The house is being sold furnished, so it isn't exactly staged so much as organized and cleaned.
posted by grumpybear69 at 4:04 PM on February 8, 2019 [1 favorite]

The listing is obviously staged, so why leave the sex dungeon stuff where it was unless to generate clicks?

The owner is still renting it out on AirB&B while it's for sale, presumably for parties and porn shoots, and it would be difficult to pack it up and then unpack it.
posted by muddgirl at 4:05 PM on February 8, 2019 [9 favorites]

Like, it would definitely be better for prospective buyers to know in advance that there's a sex dungeon rather than have it sprung on them during a showing.
posted by muddgirl at 4:07 PM on February 8, 2019 [14 favorites]

I just couldn't bring myself to call my BDSM room a "dungeon". It's so corny. And a dungeon isn't a really good place for sex. And there aren't even any gelatinous cubes.
posted by thelonius at 4:12 PM on February 8, 2019 [56 favorites]

And there aren't even any gelatinous cubes.

Well, but that's just thanks to the highly-paid housekeeper.
posted by lostburner at 4:15 PM on February 8, 2019 [38 favorites]

What the hell is the articulated robot hand for?

It likes you. It wants to kiss you always.
posted by RobotVoodooPower at 4:19 PM on February 8, 2019 [13 favorites]

I figured there can only be one such house on the market, but it turns out the place I was expecting to see is a different one. So let me just say that I was told there's one in Brooklyn too.
posted by Obscure Reference at 4:30 PM on February 8, 2019 [2 favorites]

So let me just say that I was told there's one in Brooklyn too.

posted by Obscure Reference

What would I have expected?
posted by sjswitzer at 4:34 PM on February 8, 2019 [10 favorites]

From the article:

Someone called me for a client in New York and said they want the house but they don’t want the sex stuff. I said, “You don’t have to have it! You can take it out!”

Exactly. Why don't people realize this? Once you buy a house, it's your house and you can keep or get rid of whatever the hell you want. Some people look at that space and see a sex room, I look at it and see "holy crap a space that big would make a great home theater".
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 4:35 PM on February 8, 2019 [7 favorites]

I've heard this is not the only house in that neighborhood with things in the basement.
posted by romanb at 4:40 PM on February 8, 2019 [2 favorites]

I was not at all perturbed by the oddly sterile BDSM basement but by the insane number of faux animal skin rugs everwhere, all over the house. Perhaps one tasteful bearskin in the family room but that many? in a colonial? it is distasteful.
posted by Ornate Rocksnail at 4:41 PM on February 8, 2019 [32 favorites]

It constantly amazes me, the things people bother to get all worked up about. I honestly can't see why anyone, neighbors, general public, press etc. gives two shits about this non issue.
posted by WalkerWestridge at 4:43 PM on February 8, 2019

They probably picked up the cow rugs from IKEA the same time they bought the articulated doll thing.
posted by rewil at 4:45 PM on February 8, 2019 [5 favorites]

That's not how you list a home up for sale, this is how you list a home for sale.
posted by Fizz at 4:45 PM on February 8, 2019 [24 favorites]

I honestly can't see why anyone, neighbors, general public, press etc. gives two shits about this non issue.

Parking, probably.
posted by sjswitzer at 4:45 PM on February 8, 2019 [21 favorites]

It's dirty laundry. We all have it, and yet there is something unusual and exciting about someone who isn't ashamed of airing theirs in public.
posted by muddgirl at 4:57 PM on February 8, 2019 [2 favorites]

I think that second link is supposed to go to this listing, which does still include the pictures in question.
posted by ckape at 5:00 PM on February 8, 2019

When we sold our last home, the realtor encouraged us to put away as many photos and personal effects as we could, so that buyers could imagine their lives in our home without the distraction of thinking too much about us and our lives.

Including your fuck dungeon in the listing is more or less the exact opposite of that approach. Instead of "Please pretend we don't exist so that you can better contemplate buying our home" it's "Hey, dig all of the elaborate fucking we do in here."
posted by DirtyOldTown at 5:00 PM on February 8, 2019 [21 favorites]

It's dirty laundry. We all have it, and yet there is something unusual and exciting about someone who isn't ashamed of airing theirs in public.

If they make good use of that equipment, they may have quite a bit less laundry than most people, if you catch my drift. Hella leather cleaning bills, though.
posted by Halloween Jack at 5:02 PM on February 8, 2019

I've never seen a bathroom with the sink and mirror not touching a wall.
posted by tofu_crouton at 5:12 PM on February 8, 2019 [4 favorites]

The amount of cliché costumery and camp in the BDSM community is a source of eternal bafflement to me but yes, many people do indeed find leather and animal skins to be a turn-on. Rubber is also quite popular for whatever reason, but leather is the big one. I don't claim to understand it, but I guess I don't have to.

Of course if you're doing up a sex dungeon in order to rent it out, you gotta decorate it. It can't just be a massage table next to the laundry machine and a St Andrew's Cross in the corner, you need props.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 5:14 PM on February 8, 2019 [3 favorites]

What the hell is the articulated robot hand for?

I calm him Fisto Roboto
posted by dephlogisticated at 5:15 PM on February 8, 2019 [5 favorites]

The World Famous: "And WTF with the non-inverted pentagram? Go full evil or go home, people."

Maybe...maybe you can spin it?
posted by Chrysostom at 5:20 PM on February 8, 2019 [6 favorites]

Some people look at that space and see a sex room, I look at it and see "holy crap a space that big would make a great home theater".

The two are not mutually exclusive.
posted by ryoshu at 5:27 PM on February 8, 2019 [8 favorites]

My friend Aphyr has some questions. "OK, second. The HIDES. You put HIDES under a SLING."
posted by Nelson at 5:28 PM on February 8, 2019 [17 favorites]

>And there aren't even any gelatinous cubes.
Well, but that's just thanks to the highly-paid housekeeper.

In a well designed, environmentally friendly dungeon, the gelatinous cube is the housekeeper.
posted by nubs at 5:31 PM on February 8, 2019 [13 favorites]

I'd view this like buying a house where a multiple murder took place: it'll lower the asking price and as long as all the bodily fluids have been cleaned up, it's not going to bother me.

And for those wondering about a gelatinous cube, maybe there it's one that hasn't been fed recently. (They're still completely clear in 5th ed, right?)
posted by Hactar at 5:41 PM on February 8, 2019

Heh. I just sold my old house. Sorry, no sex dungeon you perverts (we took all that stuff with us). But we did build out a room in the basement. Three layers of sheet rock all around including a cieling that was hung from the rafters with sound proof clips. There was dead space between the walls and the rest of the house and both entries to the room had double doors. We lined the room with egg crate foam. I was in an actively gigging band and four guys could be in there wailing out punk rock at 2 am and you’d barely hear it right outside the door. I spent about 10k on the project.

We figured when we sold we’d cut a window and build a closet and just call it an extra bedroom. Our real estate agent said no, leave it as is. In fact, could you leave your drums for staging? If the buyer wanted to make another bedroom, they always could, but you never know...

Sure enough, the first offer that came in, they were paying cash at our asking price. Turns out the woman in the couple is a sound engineer at Worldwide Giant Evil Corporation, inc. and plays in a local band of some small repute and needs a practice space as well as a home. I’m psyched my old bands practice space will live on.

The point is, if you have a sex dungeon in the house you’re selling, leave it be. It will be a very attractive feature to a certain segment of the home buying market and those people are probably pretty cool to enter into a business transaction with. Also, you’re giving them their dream house.
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 5:50 PM on February 8, 2019 [42 favorites]

The funniest thing is the juxtaposition of the sex dungeon with the banality of the '90s McMansion floorplan, complete with two-story great room, interior balcony, and Crate and Barrel decor. Like somehow, the camp sex dungeon manages to be one of the least tacky rooms in that house.
posted by strangely stunted trees at 5:54 PM on February 8, 2019 [52 favorites]

Certainly puts the Sub- in Sub-urban.
posted by nickggully at 6:03 PM on February 8, 2019 [25 favorites]

Obviously the neighbors are angry they were never invited to the party.
posted by Thorzdad at 6:14 PM on February 8, 2019 [7 favorites]

Such awkward proportions in so many of the rooms.

The basement "dungeon" (with what looks like super low ceilings, this may be BDSM for shorter people only) is funny. You'd think that if you were going to spend that much money on the accoutrements, you would at least decorate the place in a dungeony kind of way.
posted by Dip Flash at 6:24 PM on February 8, 2019 [3 favorites]

You need good lighting for video work, is all I'm saying.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 6:39 PM on February 8, 2019 [9 favorites]

bunch of pictures of somebody’s rather elaborate sex equipment.
posted by Horace Rumpole

She Who Must Be Obeyed takes on a new meaning.
posted by zippy at 6:44 PM on February 8, 2019 [12 favorites]

I’ve been to a bunch of basement dungeon parties and for once I’d like to see one that is well-designed and not just plain sad. Give me mid-century caging, modern minimalism masocism, neo brutalist bondage, Art Deco degradation!
posted by misterpatrick at 6:45 PM on February 8, 2019 [18 favorites]

Okay, am I the only one with kitchen envy? Damn, that KITCHEN.
posted by bile and syntax at 7:01 PM on February 8, 2019 [1 favorite]

Really buried the lede on the island double vanities.
posted by just_ducky at 7:33 PM on February 8, 2019 [12 favorites]

From the Daily Mail link:
"this suburban Pennsylvania home looks perfect for any family.

...on the market for $750,000"
posted by doctornemo at 7:44 PM on February 8, 2019 [5 favorites]

We are closing on our house next week, if all goes well and the gods have been properly appeased.
We, too, were told to purge the house of all traces of our human existence. Which is a clarifying and cruel process.

One more month on the market and I, too, would have dressed as Pikachu...
posted by doctornemo at 7:48 PM on February 8, 2019 [3 favorites]

Once you buy a house, it's your house and you can keep or get rid of whatever the hell you want.

Are you telling me that all those House Hunters contestants who are completely despondent over some minor fixture they don't like are LYING to me?
posted by naoko at 7:58 PM on February 8, 2019 [4 favorites]

My friend was looking to buy a house. The feature that really sold him on the house that he finally chose was the pub-style bar in the basement. He thought it would be fun to invite his friends over. They could sit around his bar, he could pour pints, and they could all have a great time together. He arranged the financing, signed all the paperwork, took possession of the house and... the bar was gone. He asked the realtor what happened. The realtor replied that the bar was not listed as part of the sale, and the former owner took the bar with them.

So, that's just a reminder that when you are looking to buy a house, make sure that all the furniture, appliances, bondage, discipline, and sadomasochism equipment are accounted for in the bill of sale.
posted by Multicellular Exothermic at 8:19 PM on February 8, 2019 [25 favorites]

Listing says that the house is being sold furnished, so that's why the, uh, personal effects were not removed for staging.
posted by desuetude at 8:24 PM on February 8, 2019

I dunno, this is a big house in the exurban middle of nowhere. I assume the sex swing was a result of the owners having been bored out of the fucking minds living there.
posted by GuyZero at 8:55 PM on February 8, 2019 [12 favorites]

It's weird because none of the SM equipment is actually attached to the house. It could easily have been sold before the listing. And the room is a weird choice for a dungeon because it has no real walls and it looks otherwise like a waiting room. It is not hot. This just looks like someone's gimmick to get attention?
posted by latkes at 9:09 PM on February 8, 2019 [3 favorites]

And the room is a weird choice for a dungeon because it has no real walls and it looks otherwise like a waiting room. It is not hot.

Everything is a fetish for someone.
posted by Chrysostom at 9:26 PM on February 8, 2019 [3 favorites]

It's not like the photos even show anything happening, it's just some furniture.

Well...to be fair, one of the furnitures is a pentagram, so that might ruffle a few feathers.
What strikes me as notable are the light-colored walls contrasting with the dark, natural wood. It seems like Martha Stewart's sex dungeon...which is now a series of detailed images I will never get out of my head, complete with verbal narration of 'how things are done'.
posted by sexyrobot at 9:59 PM on February 8, 2019 [6 favorites]

I’m less bothered by the idea of a sex dungeon as I am of buying used sex furniture. And why is everything white except the sex stuff, which is black and dark wood? It doesn’t fit. Either decorate your sex dungeon like a proper sex dungeon or get some shabby-chic sex furniture.
posted by Weeping_angel at 10:37 PM on February 8, 2019 [1 favorite]

> I dunno, this is a big house in the exurban middle of nowhere. I assume the sex swing was a result of the owners having been bored out of the fucking minds living there.

It's not the middle of nowhere. It's not even exurban, it's a straight-up suburb of Philadelphia.

(I live in South Philly and personally wouldn't look to Maple Glen/Ambler or even Norristown to live because I am very much a City Person, but eh, people who want to live in Montgomery County are happy with Montgomery County. )
posted by desuetude at 11:16 PM on February 8, 2019 [2 favorites]

Oh, oh - I sold my first bed frame when I moved. I'd installed hooks for attaching handcuffs to the bed frame and couldn't be bothered to remove them.

The buyer, a young man who has just moved into the neighborhood with his girlfriend, noticed them, and asked what they were for.

"Oh, don't worry, they're not load bearing," I said.
posted by batter_my_heart at 11:30 PM on February 8, 2019 [5 favorites]

Man that is an ugly house. The sex dungeon is the nicest room by a long chalk, and the room whose proportions are the most appropriate to its purpose. I mean, what the hell is this? (photo 18) It's like some kind of weird vent running right through the middle of the room. And those heinous windows? And why are all the rooms photographed like they don't have right angles? The rest of the house is confusing enough that it took me a while to realize that the rooms are square rather than rhombuses.

The hideousness of much of the furniture isn't their fault, since I assume they have to stage it with the off-scourings of their actual life, or with whatever AirBnB junk they've acquired, but since the whole house is monstrous I assume it's in line with their other tastes.

From the outside and if you don't look closely, it passes as a large version of a suburban midcentury house (not, of course, midcentury modern) but inside it's a heinous mcmansion barn!

What would you even do with a house like that? The walls will always be thin, the doors always badly proportioned, different parts of the house always poorly marked off by architectural feature. It would take a huge amount of money to do a bad fix, and if you had that much money you'd just buy a different house.

Seriously, it makes me sad. All that money could have been used to construct a nicer house at half or 2/3 the size. (My grandparents had a mid-century "traditional" house and it was really lovely - one of the nicer small private homes I've seen, with a thoughtful layout, distinguished use of natural materials and good proportions. And though it was smaller than this one, there absolutely was room for a sex dungeon, should anyone of my blood somehow be non-stodgy enough to want such a thing.)
posted by Frowner at 12:56 AM on February 9, 2019 [12 favorites]

My friend Aphyr has some questions.

Well your friend Aphyr already said what I was going to say.

That is one unsexy sex room.
posted by bongo_x at 1:25 AM on February 9, 2019 [2 favorites]

the creepy sterility of the entire house is much more of a disturbing kink tbh
posted by poffin boffin at 3:15 AM on February 9, 2019 [11 favorites]

Clean? Clean??? Clean?????

Nobody wants to run a blacklight across an AirBnB'ed sex dungeon - that's for sure. That's got to be a special occasion for just one....
posted by Nanukthedog at 3:39 AM on February 9, 2019 [2 favorites]

It constantly amazes me, the things people bother to get all worked up about.

Come on. Look at the external shot - those are fake shutters. They wouldn't even cover the windows. And the roof - what's it made from cardboard? The garage's windows are fake, I think the dormer ones in the attic are too. And my goodness, the number of times that black hide appears in the shots: didn't the animal deserve some dignity in its last repose?

You can tell they've skimped on maintenance because there are dead plants, the garden hasn't been tidied, the paths haven't even been swept, and there's algae growing on the walls. Give me five thousand and it would look $50,000 better, minimum.
posted by Joe in Australia at 3:55 AM on February 9, 2019 [4 favorites]

What would you even do with a house like that? The walls will always be thin, the doors always badly proportioned, different parts of the house always poorly marked off by architectural feature.

I believe the theory that eventually, McMansions will get cheaply subdivided and turned into multifamily slum housing. Most of those places won’t be desirable for much else in 20 years anyway since they’re intentionally not built to last.
posted by strangely stunted trees at 3:59 AM on February 9, 2019 [4 favorites]

With I'd thought of it, saw quoted (unattributed) on Twitter: As seen on last week's episode of Love it or Fist It
posted by I_Love_Bananas at 4:16 AM on February 9, 2019 [4 favorites]

All I really want is for McMansion Hell to get their hands on those pictures and have at it
posted by I_Love_Bananas at 4:18 AM on February 9, 2019 [5 favorites]

Ewww. Used sex equipment.
posted by james33 at 4:54 AM on February 9, 2019 [1 favorite]

Never ceases to amaze me how friggin’ puritanical Americans are.

Also, these comments are hilarious. :)
posted by Melismata at 5:49 AM on February 9, 2019 [1 favorite]

what the hell is this? (photo 18) It's like some kind of weird vent running right through the middle of the room.

That's the roof; you're looking out the dormer windows on the secondary section of the house, the addition area. It's a two-and-a-half story house (one-and-a-half for the addition) so the rooms on the top floor have dormer windows and slanting ceilings and weird angles. (See also the master bedroom.) I have a one-and-a-half story house and the upper floor is similarly awkward, but it's a way to get a good bit of extra living space out of the building without having to expand its footprint.

The lower floors look fairly normal for a fancy-pants house, other than the exposed brick on the inside wall there. I believe it is actually an actual brick house though rather than brick veneer, I guess they wanted to show that off.

It's not so bad, to my eye. The main mass of the building is quite well-proportioned from the outside. The addition is less great, but additions are hard to get right. I probably would not have had it project out from the facade like that and maybe would have used more proportionate windows on the front of it and also spaced out those dormers a bit more, but I've certainly seen worse.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 5:51 AM on February 9, 2019 [1 favorite]

A double vanity in peach? That's as bad as avocado.
posted by flabdablet at 6:22 AM on February 9, 2019

latkes: "It's weird because none of the SM equipment is actually attached to the house. It could easily have been sold before the listing. And the room is a weird choice for a dungeon because it has no real walls and it looks otherwise like a waiting room. It is not hot. This just looks like someone's gimmick to get attention?"

If they are really making $2000 a weekend and $750 a week day renting the place out I can see why they wouldn't want to forgo that income while the property is listed.

Weeping_angel: "I’m less bothered by the idea of a sex dungeon as I am of buying used sex furniture."

Isn't all furniture used sex furniture?
posted by Mitheral at 6:26 AM on February 9, 2019 [22 favorites]

It is if you're living right.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 6:47 AM on February 9, 2019 [8 favorites]

If they are really making $2000 a weekend and $750 a week day renting the place out

Well now that the neighbors know, that's probably out the window. Anyone that pulls up on a weekend evening is probably going to have to face the wrath of Angry Male Voice.
posted by JoeZydeco at 7:21 AM on February 9, 2019 [1 favorite]

Honestly, if I was driving to someone else's house to have kinky BDSM sex in their basement, I'd pay _extra_ to know that all the neighbors were salty about it.

(That's a $20 line item in town, but I assume it'd be higher out in the affluent suburbs)
posted by delfin at 7:58 AM on February 9, 2019 [11 favorites]

The world is my sex dungeon.

Two Buddhist monks observe this sentence. The first strikes his staff against the ground and says “Here is the pinnacle of the Holy Mountain!” The second looks around and says “Yes, isn’t it a pity?”
posted by GenjiandProust at 8:11 AM on February 9, 2019 [8 favorites]

Anyone that pulls up on a weekend evening is probably going to have to face the wrath of Angry Male Voice.

That's an extra $250
posted by zippy at 8:51 AM on February 9, 2019 [1 favorite]

Well now that the neighbors know, that's probably out the window. Anyone that pulls up on a weekend evening is probably going to have to face the wrath of Angry Male Voice.

Usually you pay double for that kind of action, Cotton.
posted by nubs at 8:58 AM on February 9, 2019 [3 favorites]

What would you even do with a house like that? The walls will always be thin, the doors always badly proportioned, different parts of the house always poorly marked off by architectural feature.

The poorly-built fast-fashion houses of the last gilded age became our iconic haunted houses:
How Victorian Mansions Became the Default Haunted House

Perhaps McMansions will be remembered as sex dungeons a century from now.
posted by bonehead at 9:05 AM on February 9, 2019 [12 favorites]

The banality of bondage.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 9:36 AM on February 9, 2019 [5 favorites]

Everything is a fetish for someone.

You've just described the basis of any romantic success I've ever had.
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 12:23 PM on February 9, 2019 [4 favorites]

50 Shades of open floor plan.
posted by spitbull at 3:25 PM on February 9, 2019 [2 favorites]

Never ceases to amaze me how friggin’ puritanical Americans are.

I mean...yeah. *shrugs*
posted by cooker girl at 5:52 PM on February 9, 2019

You can tell they've skimped on maintenance because there are dead plants, the garden hasn't been tidied, the paths haven't even been swept, and there's algae growing on the walls.

The exterior shots are from winter. There is no reason to believe most of the plants are dead but rather they are dormant, but even if they are, it's a waste of time to replant in the winter because most people prefer summer bearing plants.

Most of those places won’t be desirable for much else in 20 years anyway since they’re intentionally not built to last..
It was built in 1997, which is 22 years ago. Currently only 35% of US homes were built before 1970, so 65% of US housing stock is less than 50 years old.
posted by The_Vegetables at 2:18 AM on February 10, 2019 [3 favorites]

Someone IDed the sellers ( I won't share it here) and there's a sad backstory here -- the sellers are a family with teenagers. The mother died at a fairly young age several months ago; presumably they decided to move out and sell the house in response to that. She was a real estate agent, apparently. Wonder whether the whole family is dialed into the real estate world, and reasoned that installing this furniture was a savvy, strategic move to get clicks and eyeballs.
posted by shaademaan at 5:30 AM on February 10, 2019 [2 favorites]

I think it's kinda funny how far people are bending over to dump on this house. Like, dumping on the lifestyle of upper-middle-class suburbanites, whatever. But the house, as a house, seems not actually terrible to me? It's a two-and-a-half story brick Colonial with an addition. The proportions aren't awful—the addition is slightly awkward but somebody clearly wanted a great room with big windows and within that architectural constraint they did an alright job. It's got some real trees around it. It doesn't turn into a total mess of randomly-sized windows when you go around back. The garage is tastefully tucked away underneath the side of the building. The roof plan is refreshingly simple, just a pair of gables and some dormers, and the roof framing appears to have been competently constructed with good attic access, something I personally always appreciate and with provision to finish out the main attic into a bonus room someday if desired. The chimneys are ugly and the master bedroom has some really weird angles going on, but that's the worst of it in my opinion.

I feel like folks are really reaching to criticize the house as a proxy for criticizing the homeowners' upper-class suburban lifestyle. Which, fair enough, but maybe just come out and say you don't like suburbanites if that's what you mean.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 6:40 AM on February 10, 2019 [7 favorites]

50 Shades of open floor plan.

I have a displeasure room ...
posted by zippy at 9:27 AM on February 10, 2019 [2 favorites]

Yeah but do you have a subway tile backsplash?

Guess who’s been house shopping lately.
posted by spitbull at 3:26 PM on February 10, 2019 [2 favorites]

Subway tile: the cheapest backsplash that was considered trendy five years ago. Not that it looks bad but yeah, there's a lot of it huh?
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 3:54 PM on February 10, 2019 [1 favorite]

It’s rather hard to find a recently renovated house in the Catskills or the Berkshires without a damn subway tile backsplash. It’s still trendy.
posted by spitbull at 3:23 AM on February 11, 2019

What distinguishes subway tile from just.....tile?
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 11:54 AM on February 11, 2019

Exactly. Why don't people realize this? Once you buy a house, it's your house and you can keep or get rid of whatever the hell you want.

We like watching Property Brothers and Fixer Upper on HGTV and pretty much every time they tour a potential property to buy and fix up the buyers will remark on the ugly tile, carpet, wall covering, counters, etc. etc. The tradition in our house is the yell at them, "OH I'M SORRY, THAT IS STRUCTURAL!"

I mean, GODDAMN have you never seen this show before? They're going to knock down all the walls you idiots! But I really think that the average person has trouble seeing past that stuff and has a hard time buying a house with ugly finishes even if they know it's cheap and easy to replace. The real world example is the house we live in now that we purchased almost a year ago. Big house, nice layout, well built, and in good shape. But it was a rental home (owned by former Minnesota Viking's coach Mike Tice, his wife, brother, and his brother's wife) for years and while they did a good job with the major stuff like the water heater and furnace most of the finishes are the dusty rose color and polished brass that was popular in the early '90s. They had an open house the day after the listing. We unknowingly scheduled a showing just after the open house ended. We were the only ones to write an offer and were able to get them to knock another $15,000 off the asking price after the inspection after an initial offer at the list price. The home we sold, by contrast, didn't have an open house because there were showings scheduled on-top of each other for the whole weekend. We ended up with seven offers all at least $15,000 OVER list and there wasn't much on the inspection report.

We've slowly been replacing the light fixtures and door hardware. It usually just takes a screwdriver and a pair of pliers and just that has made a HUGE impact on the feel of the place. It's got a ways to go but it's easy for me to get a feel for the house will feel like when it's all done.
posted by VTX at 11:58 AM on February 11, 2019 [5 favorites]

What distinguishes subway tile from just.....tile?

It's just a size, shape, and color that you typically see on the walls of subways. The tile itself isn't anything special, it's just shorthand.
posted by VTX at 12:00 PM on February 11, 2019 [4 favorites]

Oh thank God I thought there was this weird black market for recycling old MTA station supplies or something.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 12:18 PM on February 11, 2019 [4 favorites]

Yeah it sounds fancy but generally it means glossy, white, 3"x6" tile meant for walls. Usually with a slightly bevelled edge.
posted by GuyZero at 2:36 PM on February 11, 2019 [1 favorite]

Eh, at least with the new-builds they come that generic and plain. If you want to see a real horror show, how about a Victorian stripped of all its beautiful woodwork and detail to make it look as generic as that.
posted by tavella at 3:29 PM on February 11, 2019 [2 favorites]

If you want to see a real horror show, how about a Victorian stripped of all its beautiful woodwork and detail to make it look as generic as that.

That is just the saddest "upgrade" ever.
posted by Dip Flash at 4:03 PM on February 11, 2019

Yeah, that place has been getting roasted all over twitter today. It is a pretty sad reno, the outside much more than the inside. But flippers go for blandness sadly.
posted by GuyZero at 4:12 PM on February 11, 2019

If you want to see a real horror show, how about a Victorian stripped of all its beautiful woodwork and detail to make it look as generic as that.

This style shall be known as "Mid-century Munsters"
posted by zippy at 6:13 PM on February 11, 2019 [1 favorite]

My dudes, I am renting a room in someone’s apartment. Totally works for me, but I would take that house in a heartbeat if somebody wanted to give it to me. And I have now made contacts with every single person here who suggested any kinky sensibility whatsoever.

The market for actual kinky furniture appears to be so small that you have very little choice. It’s like Henry Ford; you can have black or black. Don’t get me started about every single party that insists on a dress code of black. So you can hate on the family that owns that house all you want, but I am telling you that sex-room-wise they were stuck. If you’re going to have sex furniture, the choice is extremely limited.
posted by Bella Donna at 12:49 AM on February 14, 2019 [2 favorites]

You were already one of my contacts, TWF. Now with more sparkle!
posted by Bella Donna at 6:24 AM on February 14, 2019 [2 favorites]

Bella Donna: "It’s like Henry Ford; you can have black or black."

There is obviously an aesthetic but now that it is brought up I'm a little surprised there isn't at least a substantial minority of equipment in a chrome and white leather motif. Or even concrete grey and light wood.

Black and dark stained wood does have the advantage of hiding errors in manufacture. It's pretty easy to get everything to mostly match irregardless of manufacturer (or even DIY).
posted by Mitheral at 5:03 AM on February 15, 2019

Folks, this was custom woodwork by a well-regarded builder who undoubtedly would have used any damn colors the client wanted. Sex furniture is a niche market but not as small as you might think.
posted by desuetude at 8:09 AM on February 15, 2019 [1 favorite]