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February 10, 2019 12:00 PM

@sheepfilms asks If baguettes could move, how would they move? Give your reasoning pls [Twitter]. 1 - worm 2 - gallop 3 - robot rotate 4 - caterpillar. A lot of people think the baguette should stay rigid. So I've done some new animations to choose from (plus the snake one just because).
posted by Fizz (49 comments total)

All wrong. A baguette would curl into a hoop and roll along.
posted by Faint of Butt at 12:02 PM on February 10, 2019 [7 favorites]

Sounds like a stealth way of doing Dreamwork's market research for them. Next they're going to ask out of the voices of Alec Baldwin, Dwayne Johnson, Jake Gyllenhall, and Chris Tucker how you would most imagine a cartoon baguette talking.
posted by codacorolla at 12:03 PM on February 10, 2019 [12 favorites]

I choose to believe a singular baguette can't move, but they must move in symbiotic pairs like the Pink Floyd hammers.
posted by Jon Mitchell at 12:25 PM on February 10, 2019 [18 favorites]

A baguette would need to remain rigid -- otherwise it would destroy itself as it moved. Unless it was an underbaked baguette in which case I wouldn't want to eat it anyway. Which brings up the point, would you want to eat a baguette that could move? I think the most likely is a rolling baguette that could steer itself by putting more weight on one end than another.
posted by newper at 12:27 PM on February 10, 2019 [2 favorites]

Seems like most people prefer techniques in which the baguette can locally violate laws of physics, like suddenly lifting onto its tip. I guess the idea that your baguette has terrifying psychic powers is more palatable than the idea it moves sinuously like an animal.
posted by ejs at 12:30 PM on February 10, 2019 [6 favorites]

Wait, are these trained baguettes? I mean baguettes can be trained to move like many of those animations, but I thought everyone knew their natural mode of locomotion is like that of a series of half circles traced by a compass, obtaining forward movement by pivoting basically. (Which helps explains why even really long baguettes have had such a tough time breaking in to the NBA. The traveling rules clearly discriminate against baked goods.)
posted by gusottertrout at 12:32 PM on February 10, 2019 [5 favorites]

Unless it was an underbaked baguette in which case I wouldn't want to eat it anyway. Which brings up the point, would you want to eat a baguette that could move?

Undercooked chickens can move
posted by aubilenon at 12:34 PM on February 10, 2019 [21 favorites]

It would spin on it's long axis so that it drills it's way through the air. Do not get in it's way.
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 12:41 PM on February 10, 2019 [5 favorites]

Definitely number 6. If I was a small child making a baguette walk, that is how I would do it.
posted by stillnocturnal at 12:43 PM on February 10, 2019 [1 favorite]

Isn't the term "baguette" sexist?
posted by thelonius at 12:47 PM on February 10, 2019 [2 favorites]

Sounds like a stealth way of doing Dreamwork's market research for them. Next they're going to ask out of the voices of Alec Baldwin, Dwayne Johnson, Jake Gyllenhall, and Chris Tucker how you would most imagine a cartoon baguette talking.

baguette needs authentic french accent or GTFO
posted by supermedusa at 12:49 PM on February 10, 2019 [1 favorite]

It moves by being carried by ants off a picnic blanket.
posted by Space Coyote at 12:58 PM on February 10, 2019 [8 favorites]

Sort of a combination of 6 and 3 - flipping end over end, but bouncing along its tips rather than flopping flat in between steps.
posted by NMcCoy at 1:05 PM on February 10, 2019 [1 favorite]

Isn't the term “baguette” sexist?

According to the OED, “baguette” can be loosely translated from its origin as “little staff”. So it’s basically a diminutive, not feminine, but if we wanted to naughty we might consider it a little bit queer instead.
posted by Going To Maine at 1:08 PM on February 10, 2019 [5 favorites]

Yes, but if a baguette wore pants/trousers, would they cover the bottom half of the baguette (as it’s lying flat) or would they cover the back half?
posted by darkstar at 1:11 PM on February 10, 2019 [6 favorites]

The answer is “be delicious and beguiling and eventually someone will come along and take you somewhere” possibly to a picnic.
posted by notyou at 1:11 PM on February 10, 2019 [6 favorites]

This is the internet, so before I can imagine a baguette walking I'm going to need illustrations of A) how it wears pants, B) what its skeleton looks like, and C) which end you peel it from
posted by oulipian at 1:12 PM on February 10, 2019 [9 favorites]

> Isn't the term "baguette" sexist?

Rather than make assumptions I would ask it how it prefers to be referred to. However they keep getting away before I can ask.
posted by ardgedee at 1:15 PM on February 10, 2019 [8 favorites]

Baguettes do move, by tricking humans into carrying them around sticking out of paper shopping bags.
posted by ctmf at 1:17 PM on February 10, 2019 [6 favorites]

An evolutionary adaptation, so they can see where they are going...
posted by darkstar at 1:19 PM on February 10, 2019 [2 favorites]

Obviously they join up into pairs and walk like hammers.
posted by ckape at 1:54 PM on February 10, 2019

Needs 4 bagel wheels and two breadstick axels.
posted by rh at 2:00 PM on February 10, 2019 [5 favorites]

it's 7 and i will accept no other answer, good day
posted by poffin boffin at 2:00 PM on February 10, 2019 [1 favorite]

That would be croissant wheels, surely
posted by ook at 2:21 PM on February 10, 2019 [1 favorite]

...how would they move?
Painfully
posted by neroli at 2:51 PM on February 10, 2019 [4 favorites]

I guess the idea that your baguette has terrifying psychic powers is more palatable than the idea it moves sinuously like an animal.
a thousand times yes
I would also accept it breaking partially at the middle, thus creating two legs connected by a bendy little strip of crust. It's tough, but sometimes that's the price of locomotion.
posted by es_de_bah at 3:03 PM on February 10, 2019 [2 favorites]

Like a seal on land.
posted by bonobothegreat at 3:12 PM on February 10, 2019 [4 favorites]

Depends on whether they're purebread.
posted by dephlogisticated at 3:26 PM on February 10, 2019 [7 favorites]

...how would they move?
Painfully

The question is how they would move, not "Do they feel pain?".

Oh god, now I'm thinking of that.
posted by Fizz at 3:59 PM on February 10, 2019

After considering this for a couple of hours, I’m thinking it might use tension built up in the tendony crust as a preparatory flexion, which would then suddenly be released in a “ballistic” jump, similar to a cricket or grasshopper.

Basically, imagine your baguette suddenly “snapping” off of the counter top and out of the window.
posted by darkstar at 4:04 PM on February 10, 2019 [7 favorites]

Fizz: fresh crouton petting
posted by idiopath at 4:13 PM on February 10, 2019 [1 favorite]

Indeed, it may store the preparatory flexion energy as thermal energy from the oven, like those novelty jumping discs.

Then, as the baguette cools, it’s able to jump. Only once, but if it’s onto the floor, it may be enough to deter predation by squeamish humans.

Q.E.D.
posted by darkstar at 4:14 PM on February 10, 2019 [3 favorites]

As long as they don't scuttle along on dozens of jointed breadsticks, I'm ok with it.
posted by moonmilk at 5:05 PM on February 10, 2019 [7 favorites]

They should roll.
posted by sfts2 at 5:33 PM on February 10, 2019 [4 favorites]

I choose to believe a singular baguette can't move

Eppur si muove.
posted by aws17576 at 6:09 PM on February 10, 2019 [7 favorites]

Teleportation.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 6:36 PM on February 10, 2019

Slit side down, and they contract and expand them to move sideways like a sidewinder
posted by FirstMateKate at 6:47 PM on February 10, 2019 [2 favorites]

Sprout little stick figure limbs and sneak.
posted by fluffy battle kitten at 6:49 PM on February 10, 2019

bageddaboutiiiit!!!!!!

I'll see myself out now
posted by not_on_display at 7:32 PM on February 10, 2019 [1 favorite]

Cracks opening and closing like one of those wooden snakes!
posted by tavella at 7:39 PM on February 10, 2019 [4 favorites]

Strong agree to poffin boffin that when I pondered the question my knee-jerk "this is obvious" answer was 7 and upon looking at the other animations they are all incorrect. Oh my god, the WORM one, are you kidding me
posted by potrzebie at 10:37 PM on February 10, 2019

Uh, look at the shape. Wouldn't it ... be kind of squeezed out of an orifice, or maybe explosively ejected?
posted by Joe in Australia at 12:19 AM on February 11, 2019

This is fun, y'all, but in real life, they move like Weeping Angels

There's one behind you now
posted by kyrademon at 6:49 AM on February 11, 2019 [1 favorite]

I fell like maybe they move like House of Pain, with the jumping around and such.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 7:40 AM on February 11, 2019 [1 favorite]

As long as they don't scuttle along on dozens of jointed breadsticks, I'm ok with it.

Option number 8, with the slithering, would be ideal for a Cronenberg movie set in a depanneur.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 7:42 AM on February 11, 2019

tavella, that would both be awesome to look at and makes my mind boggle with the Foley possibilities. (And now I can't stop thinking about that weirdly sexual scene in Ratatouille)
posted by es_de_bah at 7:47 AM on February 11, 2019 [2 favorites]

Wouldn't it ... be kind of squeezed out of an orifice, or maybe explosively ejected?

i have summoned the bread authorities and you are going to prison
posted by poffin boffin at 7:51 AM on February 11, 2019 [2 favorites]

i have summoned the bread authorities and you are going to prison

Don’t let ‘em get a rise out of you.

*rimshot*
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 9:10 AM on February 11, 2019 [1 favorite]

I guess the idea that your baguette has terrifying psychic powers is more palatable than the idea it moves sinuously like an animal.

I don't know if it's more palatable, but the terrifying psychic powers of the baguette are fairly well-documented. It's not just how they move, it's how they kill.
posted by aspersioncast at 2:59 PM on February 11, 2019