Do you want fries with that house?
June 20, 2002 11:33 PM   Subscribe

Do you want fries with that house? Not content with a normal McMansion, the Banner family of Potomac, Md. upgraded four years ago from a 4,500 square foot house to a 8,500 square foot house. Its six bedrooms and nine bathrooms now comfortably accomodate the house's two adults and two children. The unusually ironic NYTimes (reg req.) article does not spare us the absurdities of this arrangement, a growing trend in wealthy suburban enclaves. Interior decorators must now "supersize" furniture to fill up a cavernous "media room". Entire wings of the house sit unused for months, because the suburban rich entertain others at home no more often than their middle-class counterparts.

Suppose you had a $500k income and a completely empty 2 acre zoned lot in Potomac in which to live. What might you build there?
posted by PrinceValium (52 comments total)
 
THIS.
Only it would have to have a fireman's pole for holloway.
posted by Catch at 11:46 PM on June 20, 2002


" Mrs. Banner, 37, is a real estate broker, specializing in Potomac. Mr. Banner, 47, is a custom builder who works mainly in the same area. Their household income is more than $500,000 a year. "

Regular arms merchants, ain't they?
posted by dglynn at 12:05 AM on June 21, 2002


A giant whicker chicken.
posted by Spoon at 12:11 AM on June 21, 2002


Catch: all the images are broken, and so are all but one link...
posted by delmoi at 12:25 AM on June 21, 2002


> Suppose you had a $500k income and a completely
> empty 2 acre zoned lot in Potomac in which to live.
> What might you build there?

A small cottage in the middle of trees and flowers. I would keep bees.
posted by pracowity at 12:28 AM on June 21, 2002


delmoi, I don't know why you can't see the images, but I can.
The links on that page aren't so great, but I love the graphical explanation of the sundial thingy.
More Castel del Monte links.
posted by Catch at 12:37 AM on June 21, 2002


A For Sale sign. A really nice For Sale sign.
posted by Nothing at 12:37 AM on June 21, 2002


I would keep bees.

To pull their legs off?? You scoundrel.
posted by rushmc at 12:58 AM on June 21, 2002


A fortress with underground secret rooms and stuff. Kind of like a mix of Bill Gates' castle and the Batcave.
posted by dagny at 1:03 AM on June 21, 2002


A huge geodesic dome with gun turrets and razor wire. Around that I would have it landscaped to look just like Teletubby Land.
posted by Xkot at 1:29 AM on June 21, 2002


> To pull their legs off??

You ever try to pull a bee's leg? They're humorless.
posted by pracowity at 1:55 AM on June 21, 2002


Xcot:

excellent idea!!

Personally the most extravagant idea i would have for the place would be a super duper recording studio.
posted by yertledaturtle at 2:00 AM on June 21, 2002


A giant, 40 foot tall replica of a classic Airstream trailer, sitting crooked on a generous pad of broken asphalt, said asphalt littered with oversized, rusty castings of broken car parts, accented here and there with hulking, flashing, sun-bleached casino signs, with the driveway entrance designated on one side by a huge fiberglass replica of The Lawn Jockey, and on the other side by an equally gigantic Cigar Store Indian, each sprouting a head-impaled American flag.
posted by Opus Dark at 2:21 AM on June 21, 2002


Fuckwits! Why do you have to be so cavalier about the success of a fellow citizen? Sure it's disgusting, but it still gives you fuckwits no right.

God that's disgusting.
posted by crasspastor at 2:43 AM on June 21, 2002


Crasspastor, it saddens me to see someone who has often posted insightful and thought-provoking comments jump in with a thread-killing name-calling post challenging the "right" of others to speak their opinions about how some people invest their earnings.

Is it time for the obligatory "not enough coffee/sleep" post and apology? Comments like the above only result in people jumping past your posts in future threads, which would cause your voice to lose resonance here...and that would be a shame.
posted by Corky at 3:23 AM on June 21, 2002


A joke Corky. Can't an "insightful" guy post a joke without. . .

Well anyhow. Thanks for the compliment.

I thought and posted it knowing it would be misunderstood, but not bad enough that I'd have to jump in and save a thread derailment caused by me. I was just being sassy.
posted by crasspastor at 3:31 AM on June 21, 2002


Something not too big, something interesting and worth preserving, something with lots of 'green' technology built into it. Maybe an adaptation of the Eames house.
posted by engelr at 3:43 AM on June 21, 2002


A joke Corky. Can't an "insightful" guy post a joke without. . .

I caught the irony, Crass, but then, I'm practiced...
posted by Opus Dark at 3:50 AM on June 21, 2002


Doh. Thanks for clearing that up for me.

slinks away quietly
posted by Corky at 4:02 AM on June 21, 2002


Maybe it's a failure of empathy on my part, but I absolutely cannot understand why people would want to build and live in a place so grossly disproportionate to their needs. It's not just the wastefulness of it that depresses me, but also (as Callum Murray points out in the article) the fact that so many of these structures, in trying to maximize conspicuous display of size and pomp, utterly disregard their physical setting or appropriate scale relative to the landscape. They're not just (IMO) silly and bloated in and of themselves, but afflict everyone within eyeshot of them.

As a counterpoint, Sarah Susanka, author of The Not So Big House, has a nice website with some good links on appropriate scale in housing, New Urbanism, and so on.
posted by Kat Allison at 4:39 AM on June 21, 2002


pracowity, someone beat you to it.
posted by yerfatma at 5:18 AM on June 21, 2002


Then I'll raise bats, damn it.

[That's one of my favorite poems. But I suppose it's one of everyone's favorite poems.]
posted by pracowity at 5:23 AM on June 21, 2002


They need the big houses to make their SUVs look reasonable and efficient by comparison.

After they die and go to heaven, I hope they're not too disappointed by their humble new surroundings.
posted by Loudmax at 5:30 AM on June 21, 2002


In the New World Order every potential homeowner would be required to take an interior decorating course, a history of urban architecture course, and, for those with supersized takehome pay, a philanthropy course.
posted by Taken Outtacontext at 5:35 AM on June 21, 2002


Nine bathrooms? Good lord.

Y'know, I guess I shouldn't talk - we do live in a house this size ... bigger, actually, as it rings in at 9200 square feet. Of course, the difference is that our house was built in 1899, sits on 14 acres of land, has 1 1/2 retrofitted baths, and we paid less than $125,000 for it. Its a lovely old Victorian that we're working slowly to restore to its former glory. It even has servants' quarters....

What makes me crazy is not that people build houses this big - the family that built our house originally was only four people in an eight bedroom house - but rather that people build ugly, generic, split-level ranch-type houses this big (see Bill Gates). And that I'm sure somewhere not to far away from these people there are wonderful Colonial and Victorian houses being torn down and replaced with yet more developments where every house looks alike.

....neutral tones, beiges and creams. Grrr.
posted by anastasiav at 5:39 AM on June 21, 2002


Or worse yet, anastasiav, they're destroying TWO old houses and building one monstrosity on the double lot (and really close to the property line)!
posted by Taken Outtacontext at 5:47 AM on June 21, 2002


Maybe it's a failure of empathy on my part, but I absolutely cannot understand why people would want to build and live in a place so grossly disproportionate to their needs.

I think the problem begins with your presuming to define other people's needs.
posted by rushmc at 6:47 AM on June 21, 2002


when we were moving the last time, it so happened that some friends of mine were moving out of their 5-bedroom geekhouse rental. i said, 'hey...'

my wife pointed out that cleaning a 4000 square foot house was going to be a pain in the ass. i pointed out that the house was big enough that we could just keep moving into different rooms when they got too messy.

she won, of course. but the principle is sound...
posted by hob at 6:52 AM on June 21, 2002


Go cart race track

a six-car air conditioned garage (in the middle of the race track, of course)
posted by schlaager at 6:59 AM on June 21, 2002


Secret passageways. I'd have to build lots of secret passageways.
posted by tdismukes at 7:01 AM on June 21, 2002


my wife pointed out that cleaning a 4000 square foot house was going to be a pain in the ass.

Yes indeed. Cleaning a 1500 sf house is bad enough as it is. (And let's not go into the angst occasioned by being one small person with a .27 acre lot. It takes three days for me to clip the boundary hedge.)

However. I lust after houses with 8' ceilings and rooms with plenty of wall space so that I can get all of my 7' bookcases into them. When I was house-hunting, I eliminated the first four houses I saw because the ceilings were often 6' 6'' or lower, to conserve heat. Oi.

(Yes, the bookcases took priority over me.)
posted by thomas j wise at 7:12 AM on June 21, 2002


I'd build a stone house in the English Cottage manner, and have a butterfly garden and a large treed, grassy backyard for throwing parties. There would be a summer kitchen outside, and sleeping porches off of the 3 bedrooms. And a treehouse somewhere.

That wasn't a very witty or clever answer. I do apologize.
posted by iconomy at 7:13 AM on June 21, 2002


I'd give the lot to the Nature Conservancy, if they'd take it, and continue living in a studio or one-bedroom condo downtown. What a lot of thankless work it would be, taking care of a house and yard that gigantic! No thanks.
posted by Mars Saxman at 7:43 AM on June 21, 2002


I would buy this and park it there.

I'm not sure if it would fit on 2 acres, so I may just stand it on end. On second thought, I think I'd stand it on the tail anyways.
posted by fluxcreative at 8:05 AM on June 21, 2002


I lust after houses with 8' ceilings and rooms with plenty of wall space so that I can get all of my 7' bookcases into them.

mmmm...bookcases....
posted by rushmc at 8:16 AM on June 21, 2002


> And a treehouse somewhere.

And I'd dress as a monkey and live in the treehouse until I could claim it as my own under squatter's rights or until a zookeeper came and got me with a tranquilizer gun.
posted by pracowity at 8:25 AM on June 21, 2002


If a zookeeper came and got you with a tranquilizer gun, I would rescue you from the zoo and plant a banana tree next to the treehouse.

Apologies to Margaret Wise Brown.
posted by iconomy at 9:03 AM on June 21, 2002


my dream home, of course! a recording studio with a bedroom, a bathroom, and a kitchen.
posted by mcsweetie at 9:04 AM on June 21, 2002


Sounds like that couple needs to trade their house for mine. My (expanding) family could easily make efficient use of the space; they could be more than happy in ours. Not to say that we want more space, really, we like living cosily. But a couple more bathrooms wouldn't hurt. (Nine bathrooms for four people. Oy. We have four for eleven people. Something's disproportional, there, methinks.) So I guess that's what I would do it I had that space, I'd rebuild my house, with two more bathrooms. And one more bedroom. And a recording studio. And a greenhouse. And a darkroom. And a meditation closet. Oy.
posted by Dreama at 9:27 AM on June 21, 2002


I'd build the inn I have been dreaming of, using a third of the money to pay off the inspectors to allow me to break every fire-code on book... Servants' staircases, secret doors, an intimate three story library with a fireplace...

::sigh::
posted by kahboom at 9:41 AM on June 21, 2002


What makes me crazy is not that people build houses this big - the family that built our house originally was only four people in an eight bedroom house - but rather that people build ugly, generic, split-level ranch-type houses this big (see Bill Gates). Yeah! *grin* I was actually really disappointed that the article didn't go into any more details about how they decorated all that space (although that wasn't the point of the article) - but I had the sinking feeling that it was rather 'normal', just bigger - what a waste! ;-) Beiges and cremes indeed - if you've got the space, express yourself MORE - be ORIGINAL! But then, that's not what the suburbs are for, eh? Heh. And to be fair, the article does mention that a lot of the space is for the woman's home office, and they ARE in real estate and construction... just not artists - LOL.
posted by thunder at 9:43 AM on June 21, 2002


i realize it's a little late in the game, but I'd like to express my distaste for posting links to the printer-friendly version of any article. not only does it destroy legibility by running text to the absolute edges of the browser and removing any css text sizing and spacing rules, in this case it removed some of the content - a couple of photographs.
posted by chrisege at 10:06 AM on June 21, 2002


What do you guys care if they have nine bathrooms? It could be one GIANT bathroom - if they have the money and are willing to build, what does it matter to you? Who are they hurting? Live how you want and can afford.
posted by UncleFes at 10:50 AM on June 21, 2002


I don't think anyone actually cares that they have nine bathrooms. Fine, have nine bathrooms. At least they'll never have to worry about going in after someone fumigates the bathroom, since there are 8 others to choose from.

What I care about is this American obsession with everything big. Isn't there a saying.."bigger is better". We need to have the biggest cars, biggest houses, biggest hooters (or biggest cock), and biggest guns.

The only reason I can come up with for having a house that big - when you don't need it - is status. And it's a sad sad commentary on our soeciety when otherwise completely boring people get all of this attention because of the size of their house. (I'm assuming they're boring, BTW, simply because their house is utterly boring, aside from it's size)
posted by jaded at 11:28 AM on June 21, 2002


I'm assuming they're boring, BTW, simply because their house is utterly boring, aside from it's size

You know what happens when you assume.

The outside of the house is for your neighbors to look at. They want it inoffensive and beige? Fine by me. You live on the inside. And that is why you have so many rooms: so you can do what you want.
posted by kindall at 12:01 PM on June 21, 2002


Live how you want and can afford.

There isn't anything wrong with considering the possibility that excess may exist, and there isn't anything wrong with attempting to form a personal opinion about what defines it. (Snuggling into the waiting arms of a mutant, misshapen meritocracy and deferring all critical judgement to The Miracle of the Marketplace is easier, of course...and, it makes for snappy sound bites.)
posted by Opus Dark at 1:53 PM on June 21, 2002


It always startles me how many envious coots post here.
posted by rushmc at 2:10 PM on June 21, 2002


It always startles me how many envious coots post here.

Your screen certainly pretends a keener resolution than mine does...
posted by Opus Dark at 4:28 PM on June 21, 2002


Sell the lot, quit the job and take the kids travelling around the world, on bikes, for years.
posted by goneill at 4:29 PM on June 21, 2002


50 years from now these McHouses will be like old strip malls. Outdated, in need of repair and home to quirky enterprises.
posted by stbalbach at 5:37 PM on June 21, 2002


I've already designed my dream home. It works out to just over 7500 square feet, which is only 500% bigger than the house we own now. I'm waiting until the kids move out to build it so my wife and I can be alone in our vast, beautiful home, surrounded by all our lovely possessions.

I plan to put it on a minimum of three acres at the top of a cul-de-sac on the highest road above the city, and at night I'm going to have floodlights illuminating every square inch of the exterior so all the little people who live in the valley below me can gaze up at my creation and murmur in awe.

I'm serious.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 6:39 PM on June 21, 2002


Crash Davis qualifies as a quirky enterprise
posted by stbalbach at 5:03 PM on June 25, 2002


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