Merry Christmas(ish)
March 13, 2019 7:11 AM   Subscribe

Drew Magary was moved to the injured reserve list after falling and being hospitalized for a head injury this holiday season. Never one to disappoint though, Drew has come through (3 months late) with his annual Hater's Guide to the Williams-Sonoma Catalog.

Apparently, in addition to a head injury, terrible traffic and being taken off of the Williams-Sonoma mailing list (investigate?), Drew has nevertheless brought us the joy of a fruit-studded tesseract, a SMEG toaster (dripping with class) and the $1000 tea hamper to beat all $1000 tea hampers.

Come for the $20 broken candy canes, stay for the $2700 coffee maker
posted by Sophie1 (27 comments total) 21 users marked this as a favorite
Between Trisha Yearwood and Moravian cookies a weird amount of my middle class North Carolina childhood ended up in the Williams-Sonoma catalog this year.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 7:31 AM on March 13 [5 favorites]

Oh now I feel guilty for having whinged in the previous thread about Drew wondering where the Williams-Sonoma catalog haters' guide was.

I raise my Artisinal Twine Dispenser in salute.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:44 AM on March 13 [3 favorites]


An alternative for the cake debaters to consider?
posted by eirias at 7:47 AM on March 13 [1 favorite]

Never not using Roy Schvartzappel as my fake name forever and ever.
posted by Exceptional_Hubris at 8:00 AM on March 13 [6 favorites]

> For not a creature was stirring, except for a greedy CEO counting his pennies and hoarding 3/4ths of all gross revenue to himself so that he can die alone with it.

I'm going to think of this line every time I go Christmas shopping for the rest of my life.
posted by The Card Cheat at 8:06 AM on March 13 [4 favorites]

posted by box at 8:27 AM on March 13 [6 favorites]

[greets you at the door while wearing a frayed holiday sweater; offers you curdled egg nog]

Oh hello there! Merry Christmas! Oh, did I just wish you a Merry Christmas IN MARCH? Indeed I did. I just adore the holidays so much that I celebrate them all year round. It’s true!

Hey, it's cool. I came to work on a snow day. Today. March, 13. And it's not that snowy. I'll eat my old Christmas candy and enjoy the post (and think "hey, that Nordic Ware Holiday Bitelet Pan set is kind of cute ... but not $36 cute").

And I have slowly diminishing loaf (mound?) of pannetone at home, but one I bought on a steep post-Christmas discount, so I am indeed the target audience :)
posted by filthy light thief at 8:31 AM on March 13 [4 favorites]

I thank Mr. Magary for his valuable service pointing out the current depravity level of capitalism.

It is important to keep in mind, that while some fool might actually spend $200 on the home ‘smore roaster, none of this shit ever makes it out of the box into actual use, because even the most dupable dullard who purchased (or unlucky gift recipient of) the R2D2 popcorn popper is going to look at it on the cupboard shelf and say “Fucking hell, my life has not come to this, and certainly not while entertaining guests.”
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 8:44 AM on March 13 [3 favorites]

Hudson's Bay was advertising a somewhat fancier version of that Dolce & Gabbana / Smeg Toaster on Facebook for $800. I encouraged all of my friends to just give me $800 instead.

Didn't get either.
posted by jacquilynne at 8:51 AM on March 13 [1 favorite]

I digress all the time, I guess...but this..."How long do you need your coffee foam to last? Through menopause?" was the best!
posted by Oyéah at 9:37 AM on March 13 [3 favorites]

I got a slightly different Nordicware `bitelet' pan at -- oh, Goodwill, a yardsale, someplace reasonable -- and the little shaped things are cute. And less trouble than getting into fancy frosting, which I don't even like to eat.

it's little sea creatures and my Bundt pan is an octopus.
posted by clew at 10:17 AM on March 13 [8 favorites]

I love Nordicware pans, but a) you never get as much detail on your baked good as the pan implies, and b) scrubbing out all the little nooks and crannies is murder. I have a Yule Log bundt pan and I literally need to use a toothbrush to get that fucker clean.
posted by Autumnheart at 10:20 AM on March 13 [8 favorites]

More grease and rice flour, Autumnheart. Or cocoa or cinnamon instead of flour if you're making a dark cake.
posted by clew at 10:32 AM on March 13 [3 favorites]

I cannot stop myself from sniggering every time I see a SMEG-branded appliance--and since my spouse loves upscale kitchen appliance stores, it's much more often than any sensible person might hope.
posted by sciatrix at 10:33 AM on March 13 [9 favorites]

Totally LOL'd at the description of the s'mores machine.
posted by Melismata at 10:34 AM on March 13 [1 favorite]

FPP needs "BeefKingOfMoravia" tag.
posted by Chrysostom at 11:06 AM on March 13 [2 favorites]

Any relation to Abe Froman?
posted by I_Love_Bananas at 11:50 AM on March 13 [7 favorites]

I absolutely just bought the nutcracker Nordicware pan on the WS website (at a steep discount) due to this post. I wish I could get them a kickback or something.

Sadly, the 3D tree is sold out, or I'd have that one too
posted by anastasiav at 12:30 PM on March 13 [2 favorites]

I kind of want that cookie making kit but I'm the kind of person who overachieves in baking swaps.
posted by FritoKAL at 1:29 PM on March 13 [3 favorites]

I laughed at everything, except the coffee bits.

"Espro has a cold brew maker now!?"
"Huh. Less than 3k's not *terrible* for a super-auto..."

I hope to god this isn't something that keeps happening as I get older.

"Huh, cute smores maker! 71 pieces of cookie making?!"
posted by Anonymous Function at 1:54 PM on March 13

The raisin-studded pannetone which controls time and nature will be key to undoing The Snap in Avengers: Endgame.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 2:13 PM on March 13 [2 favorites]

My spouse got a tin of Williams-Sonoma's Peppermint Bark as a bonus for Christmas one year. It has engendered so much bitterness that I was threatened with divorce when I jokingly suggested I was going to buy the largest tin I could find and put it under the tree.

And I legit love Keebler Club Crackers, I have no idea what his beef is about them? Too downmarket for the catalogue?
posted by theBigRedKittyPurrs at 3:02 PM on March 13

And I legit love Keebler Club Crackers, I have no idea what his beef is about them? Too downmarket for the catalogue?

You like to put smores on them?!?!?!?!
posted by chainsofreedom at 3:25 PM on March 13 [9 favorites]

Metafilter: Just get a second cup of coffee, you asshole.
posted by medusa at 4:59 PM on March 13 [1 favorite]

Keebler Club Crackers have ZERO business being anywhere near S'Mores.
posted by cooker girl at 5:44 PM on March 13 [4 favorites]

I initially wondered if the Peppermint Pups were holiday dog treats, and subsequently wondered if the chocolate ones had ever given the dogs of some misguided child palpitations.

I also like that the Trisha Yearwood juice thing is listed as a "stocking stuffer." A 64 oz. glass jug? What behemoth stockings are adorning the McMantels?
posted by pykrete jungle at 10:47 PM on March 13 [3 favorites]

I'm pretty sure it was WS that offered caramel -covered marshmallows one year and I'm definitely sure I ate the whole tin. I've never seen them for sale again but you know, the recipe isn't that difficult and homemade marshmallows are no relation tastewise to the store bought ones.
posted by TWinbrook8 at 6:12 AM on March 14

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