VISIT THE SPIT TRUCK

March 16, 2019 3:29 PM

Saliva is our core focus. It’s who we are. DNA Friend.
posted by They sucked his brains out! (18 comments total)

I don't trust free things that gather information about me anymore. This feels most intrusive of all.
posted by hippybear at 3:43 PM on March 16, 2019 [3 favorites]

It's OK: "Your DNA is the most personal information there is. We only share your data with third parties who explicitly request it or who seem like they’d be pleased if it appeared in front of them."
posted by pipeski at 3:44 PM on March 16, 2019 [11 favorites]

This is a parody, right? These days I can hardly tell anymore.
posted by Greg_Ace at 3:44 PM on March 16, 2019 [5 favorites]

Yeah, the fine print is quite a thing to read. It's not even that long, but it has fun bits in it.
posted by hippybear at 3:44 PM on March 16, 2019

Any violation of the above (defined as engaging in Prohibited Uses of DNA Friend Products and Services) will result in the forcible seizure of the customer’s DNA

This may be the first confirmed instance of spitting at the opposition not being demonstration of defiance...
posted by Greg_Ace at 3:48 PM on March 16, 2019

*a demonstration. Dammit.
posted by Greg_Ace at 3:58 PM on March 16, 2019

"DNA Friend may not be held responsible for cases of anxiety, depression, or suicidal ideation resulting from confirmation that the customer is Dutch."
posted by parki at 4:15 PM on March 16, 2019 [6 favorites]

Seems 14 days early.
posted by condour75 at 6:58 PM on March 16, 2019 [3 favorites]

This is brilliant! It reminds me a lot of the classic Panexa spoof.
posted by flyingsquirrel at 7:12 PM on March 16, 2019 [2 favorites]

Apparently it’s been a long week: I wondered for a solid two minutes about what this had to do with salvia.
posted by aloiv2 at 9:55 PM on March 16, 2019 [1 favorite]

Did you then do a spit take when you figured it out?
posted by Greg_Ace at 10:32 PM on March 16, 2019 [1 favorite]

Their Instagram page is filled with fun facts.

Of the roughly 20,000 genes in the human DNA, an estimated 40 percent have yet to be monitiezed.
posted by eye of newt at 11:31 PM on March 16, 2019 [5 favorites]

Research Anonymity

DNA Friend scientists use the genetic data we receive to conduct invaluable research in the fields of genetics, medicine, cosmetics, and bacteria-based armaments. However, in order to keep your genetic information private, your name is always lightly scrambled before your genetic profile is disseminated—for example, “Matthew Benedict” would be rearranged to “Mtathew Beneditc” before that customer’s information ever left our lab, preserving your anonymity.

Thank you DNA Friend, you're a real pal.
posted by Thella at 11:47 PM on March 16, 2019 [2 favorites]

Excellent company. My only concern is the fact that they are single platform. I would not invest any of my abundant venture capital in them until they enter the internet of things era with Smart Chewing Gum, public toilets that automatically analyse urine and broadcast drug panel results, data-gathering smart dildoes....
posted by Morpeth at 5:12 AM on March 17, 2019 [2 favorites]

It told me my saliva looked great, so.
posted by Vesihiisi at 7:03 AM on March 17, 2019

*Be advised that our technicians may need to double-check the final sequence of your DNA against the saliva captured in your photo, so please do not swallow for the next 24 hours.
posted by vibratory manner of working at 11:42 AM on March 17, 2019

The What We Test For section is of particular interest. I’ve known for a long time I was not an “Ohioan (Cleveland phenotype),”
but “Chronic Arms” runs in the family, so it’s nice to rule that out.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 6:42 PM on March 17, 2019

I've got my results!!!

My DNA is literally the best.
posted by Vesihiisi at 5:54 AM on March 18, 2019