You got it, dude!
May 24, 2019 7:01 PM   Subscribe

 
Obligatory link to Gimme Pizza (slow).
posted by Brocktoon at 7:12 PM on May 24 [28 favorites]


> #36

Huh, and I thought The Land Before Time series had an unexpectedly large number (14) of entries....
posted by genpfault at 7:47 PM on May 24


Man. There’s a helluva psychology doctoral thesis waiting for some intrepid candidate willing to dive deep into those dark undercurrents.
posted by Thorzdad at 8:00 PM on May 24 [5 favorites]


"The plot: The twins visit Hawaii — another theme in their work — and discover a thief stealing shiny things in their fancy hotel. It turns out to be a parrot.

The lesson: It is important to practice zen detachment from material goods."
posted by Carillon at 8:15 PM on May 24 [6 favorites]


"The most surreal moment: Elizabeth Olsen makes a cameo as the twins’ annoying little sister, who asks if she can come to Transylvania, and whether she is “chopped liver” to the twins. The twins perform a long rap entitled “B-U-T-T Out,” wherein they explain they’d rather “bathe in slime” than hang out with her. It encourages a meta meditation on Elizabeth’s currently wildly successful film career and whether it was inspired by how she must have felt as a kid, excluded from her sisters’ exotic lives as overworked child stars."

So the real winner here is deffo Elizabeth.
posted by Homo neanderthalensis at 8:18 PM on May 24 [21 favorites]


That was a real cavalcade of madness. Thanks for sharing!
posted by Caduceus at 8:25 PM on May 24 [1 favorite]


I...uh...I’m gonna disconnect the modem now. That’s enough Internet for May.
posted by Revvy at 8:29 PM on May 24 [12 favorites]


I love how these women got over living a life full of no-longer-jailbait countdown clocks and being over-worked and over-sold as non-autonomous children to have the resources and power to erase as many traces of that from the world as they can.

I am otherwise too old to have any relationship to them and their oeuvre.
posted by crush at 8:55 PM on May 24 [16 favorites]


In several cases, the film in question was unavailable, so I relied entirely on Wikipedia and my unimpeachable childhood memory of it.

Boooooo, I feel that if you're going to do a ranking of Every Movie by Artist, you should have to watch all the movies again.
posted by 23skidoo at 8:59 PM on May 24 [1 favorite]


It encourages a meta meditation on Elizabeth’s currently wildly successful film career and whether it was inspired by how she must have felt as a kid, excluded from her sisters’ exotic lives as overworked child stars.

...

*googles Elizabeth Olsen*

WAIT WHAT, WANDA MAXIMOFF IS AN OLSEN SISTER?!
posted by taquito sunrise at 9:06 PM on May 24 [26 favorites]


I find the "no teeth smiles" thing to be really impressive, actually, and quite a cool if small "fuck you".

There are a couple of mentions of casual racism, and I wish it was made clearer whether this is likely the twins being casually racist, or simply being cast in casually racist crap films. I guess I wish I had a sense if they ever had any agency, even as they entered their teen years and especially as they approached 18.
posted by maxwelton at 9:07 PM on May 24 [3 favorites]


So I take it it's too late to change my mind about being in the weirdest possible timeline?

I'm starting to wonder what the more boring timelines look like.
posted by loquacious at 9:13 PM on May 24 [1 favorite]


Three heretosexual “singing cowboys”
I've found my typo of the week.
posted by zamboni at 9:35 PM on May 24 [25 favorites]


This totally needs a FeelGoodFilter tag!
posted by hippybear at 10:13 PM on May 24 [2 favorites]


Mary-Kate’s Sam is a soccer star who wants boys to crush on her; Ashley’s Emma is a girly crush object who wants to be better at soccer. Both do play soccer, though, to be clear. Their dad, a boy, is a soccer coach obsessed with winning at sports. Please draw this as a Venn Diagram, then come back.
Lovely. Just lovely.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 10:16 PM on May 24 [11 favorites]


WAIT WHAT, WANDA MAXIMOFF IS AN OLSEN SISTER?!

Yeah, in retrospect, I should have put together that Elizabeth Olsen was related to the Olsen twins. I mean, few people in Hollywood with the same names are unrelated. And a bunch with different names are actually related. But I do feel out of it.
posted by greermahoney at 10:23 PM on May 24 [2 favorites]


Once We're Legal
2021, a Hawaiian Vacation Film
R, 127 minutes

Tomatometer: 93%

Synopsis: Two women, former child stars, work steadily to remove all traces of their former "careers" from the world. People they starred with either emphatically won't talk or simply cannot be found. Websites which host clips go dark, increasingly quickly as their efforts gain steam. Articles about the women are never approved for publication; "pop psy" topics in magazines and on TV include skeptical, condescending, and (occasional) concerned discussion about what this "Olsen delusion" says about our society: "They're not even identical twins; why would dozens of movies be made with these kids?"

People who insist they saw the films realize they can't actually be sure they saw them--it could just as easily have been any of the ton of "cute kids" movies that pour forth each year.

It's never made clear to those of us in the audience just how the former child stars are "erasing" the past; surely some is just competent, ruthless legal maneuvering, but there are hints that darker forces may be at work. Crucially, we are never shown any of the actions the women take, just that whatever those actions are, they're effective.

To the people who orchestrated the women's childhood movie "careers"--studio execs, agents, parents--this erasure of the past happens around them, but not directly to them. The women do not communicate with them at all, and in the few scenes where there is a direct confrontation by a member of this group, the women seem puzzled and claim not to know them. The group becomes increasingly unhinged, and they, to varying degrees, go "mad"; one commits suicide, another descends into addiction, others lose fortunes. For a group of people reliant on fame (even second-hand fame), it's a slow--but certain--death sentence.

The final scene is a private conversation between the two women--one tells the other that the last of the exploiters was just involuntarily committed. (This is the only private conversation shown between the two women in the entire film, and is just 27 words). As the scene fades, the women smile at each other, their teeth showing for the first time in years.
posted by maxwelton at 10:32 PM on May 24 [50 favorites]


They get dropped off near a woodland and find a small house deep inside, the home of a man named Oscar (Phil Fondacaro) who wishes to be taller.”

I can't believe I just read that all.
posted by Literaryhero at 10:39 PM on May 24 [1 favorite]


(I thought that was just a silly quote, but upon googling, it turns out that Phil Fondacaro is 3'6", and that makes the whole thing pretty fucked up)
posted by Literaryhero at 10:41 PM on May 24 [2 favorites]


If the Marvel people get Mary-Kate and Ashley to co-star when they inevitably do House of M, it'd blow my mind.
posted by Pickman's Next Top Model at 10:53 PM on May 24 [5 favorites]


The Olsens once (actually, many times) asked us: “Who stole the great Hope Diamond? What killed the dinosaurs? Who makes the finest pizza? What’s in your brother’s dresser drawers?”

I didn't even know this existed. It's so hokey! Why would you have an 8-year old kid sing "Who put the bop in the BOP-shu-BOP-shu-BOP-shu-BOP-shu-BOP?" This would be public access channel fodder if the Olsens weren't around to flawlessly execute every lazy creative decision the adults came up with. They're performers talented enough to sing with an even, consistent tone, dance in perfect tempo, and almost never blink on camera, commanded by adults too oblivious to realize that performers with that kind of talent don't just fall from the sky and maybe they could be given material that's a little more, you know, alive? It's honestly outrageous how much more professional the Olsens are than every single other person in this production.
posted by J.K. Seazer at 11:16 PM on May 24 [14 favorites]


This is the last thing. The last thing on the list of things to do. The perfect story to read after having ended hunger and created world peace.
posted by rhizome at 11:45 PM on May 24 [1 favorite]


I was surprised to realize that I’ve watched a large proportion of the non-party non-mystery ones. I don’t think I went out of my way to do so, I just absorbed them through video store osmosis. (If it’s in the store, it’s eventually gonna find its way into the target demographic’s hands.)

Child-star issues aside, I appreciate the amount of wackiness they poured into the films. You could do that sort of thing back when switching movies required getting your parents to drive you back to Blockbuster (i.e. not gonna happen.) And you weren’t gonna just turn it off, what with popcorn still to be eaten.

Nowadays, every moment has to be calibrated to maintain audience attention. Sucks out all the character. I appreciate these girls for just going for it. And then dropping it with no hesitation the second they were in control of their own fortune.
posted by mantecol at 12:11 AM on May 25 [3 favorites]


I love how these women got over living a life full of no-longer-jailbait countdown clocks and being over-worked and over-sold as non-autonomous children to have the resources and power to erase as many traces of that from the world as they can.

Which the author of the piece so blithely ignores in the service of yet another oh so important ranking list that manages to make all sorts of snarky asides about Mary Kate and Ashley as adults and lazily imply they are represented by the events of the movies instead of just being actors doing their jobs. I can't imagine why the Olsens would want to erase that legacy, not that anyone will let them.
posted by gusottertrout at 12:59 AM on May 25 [4 favorites]


Oh god, it wasn't until just now, at #34, that I realized Elizabeth Olsen is not one of the twins. For the past ten years I'd been under the impression that one of them "made it out" and had gone on to a successful film career.
posted by pjenks at 6:14 AM on May 25 [1 favorite]


Maybe one of their lost films is actually the source of the paint roller in the face memory?
posted by vespabelle at 6:24 AM on May 25 [2 favorites]


Someone worked those kids making 3+ movies a year for over a decade? I was only slightly aware of them but it's good that it did not end in a tragic drug overdose story on the 11oclock news.
posted by sammyo at 6:54 AM on May 25 [6 favorites]


I always assumed Elizabeth Olsen was a Gyllenhaal cousin.
posted by pxe2000 at 7:22 AM on May 25 [1 favorite]


The Olsen Juggernaut (NYT, 2001, about the time So Little Time was premiering)
The Olsen Twins: Sisters of Perpetual Abstinence (Jancee Dunn for Rolling Stone, 2003, about the time New York Minute was premiering)
posted by box at 7:39 AM on May 25 [1 favorite]


WAIT WHAT, WANDA MAXIMOFF IS AN OLSEN SISTER?!

I'm confused. Had you never seen a picture of the Olsen Twins? Because Elizabeth looks practically like a third twin. (I guess maybe you might have been confused by how you could see Elizabeth's teeth?)
posted by straight at 7:59 AM on May 25 [5 favorites]


taquito sunrise: "WAIT WHAT, WANDA MAXIMOFF IS AN OLSEN SISTER?!"

Oh god, now I can't see Wanda without seeing the twins. So glad I did not know this before watching Endgame.
posted by signal at 8:02 AM on May 25 [1 favorite]


Also, Very May Kate very previously on very MetaFilter.
posted by straight at 8:18 AM on May 25 [1 favorite]


rec.arts.olsen.twins.berenstein.bears
posted by RobotVoodooPower at 8:34 AM on May 25 [1 favorite]


“No One Tells the President What To Do” centers on the notion that the president is exempt from all laws governing human behavior.

Wait a minute...
posted by cowcowgrasstree at 9:02 AM on May 25 [4 favorites]


The "tragic drug overdose" was Heath Ledger, and we still don't know exactly what role Mary-Kate played.
posted by Brocktoon at 9:08 AM on May 25 [2 favorites]


Someone worked those kids making 3+ movies a year for over a decade? I was only slightly aware of them but it's good that it did not end in a tragic drug overdose story on the 11oclock news.

13 of those films were made WHILE they were starring on Full House —most of them in the last 2 years of the show's run, when they were 7-9 ish years old.

I can't even.
posted by 100kb at 11:19 AM on May 25 [2 favorites]


I say this with no hyperbole: that sounds like child abuse to me. I'm a fully grown adult who has worked in a challenging field for decades, and I think on that schedule I'd have a nervous breakdown.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 12:02 PM on May 25 [10 favorites]


A friend of mine directed New York Minute. She was thrilled to get the job.
posted by Ideefixe at 12:04 PM on May 25


I'm confused. Had you never seen a picture of the Olsen Twins? Because Elizabeth looks practically like a third twin.

It might lessen your confusion if I mention: I'm not face-blind enough to affect daily functioning or even claim to be face-blind, but I have a hard time watching movies without someone to tell me whether *this* brunette white guy is the *same* brunette white guy in a different shirt or a brand *new* brunette white guy with a similar haircut. Y'all who can tell this by looking are as unto wizards! Wizards I say!

But yeah I can definitely see the resemblance now that I know to look for it.
posted by taquito sunrise at 1:21 PM on May 25 [12 favorites]


I don't know enough about fashion to have any sort of worthwhile opinion, but to those of you who do: are their togs any good?
posted by maxwelton at 1:39 PM on May 25


They seem well enough made, I find them kind of dull.
posted by PinkMoose at 1:57 PM on May 25


Thirty years from now, they will star alongside Elizabeth in a more or less shot for shot remake of Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? with a couple adjustments for the fact that there are two of the Bette Davis character.

Whatever Happened to Mary-Kate and Ashley? You know it's going to happen.
posted by Naberius at 2:09 PM on May 25 [1 favorite]


I Googled the "Svengali-like Robert Thorne" mentioned in the article. So far I've found this:
In 2010, Mary-Kate admitted to Marie Claire that she and her sister felt like “little monkey performers.” She said, “I look at old photos of me, and I don’t feel connected to them at all. I would never wish my upbringing on anyone.”
posted by clawsoon at 4:18 PM on May 25 [6 favorites]


I wonder how many times in their lives they were told to smile. How many thousands of times.
posted by clawsoon at 4:22 PM on May 25 [1 favorite]


But yeah I can definitely see the resemblance now that I know to look for it.

Same. A guy grows facial hair and I probably won’t recognize him. A woman gets a different haircut, and I may not recognize her until she speaks.

This isn’t usually true in real life, where I know people well. But acquaintances or celebrities? Yup.

And oddly, I instantly adjust. I have a hard time remembering what they looked like before, after I replace them with the new copy. My brain doesn’t seem to work like others’.

So no, I never look at one person and think “they kind of look like this other person - I wonder if they’re related?”
posted by greermahoney at 4:58 PM on May 25 [3 favorites]


Mary-Kate’s Sam is a soccer star who wants boys to crush on her; Ashley’s Emma is a girly crush object who wants to be better at soccer. Both do play soccer, though, to be clear. Their dad, a boy, is a soccer coach obsessed with winning at sports. Please draw this as a Venn Diagram, then come back.

Lovely. Just lovely.


If this doesn't sound like the setup for a Law & Order episode....
posted by gtrwolf at 8:19 PM on May 25 [1 favorite]


MetaFilter: My brain doesn’t seem to work like others’.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 8:39 AM on May 26 [4 favorites]


"They're not even identical twins; why would dozens of movies be made with these kids?

I had no idea they were fraternal twins until this article.
posted by numaner at 3:37 PM on May 28 [1 favorite]


« Older "1566 seems very recent, but the hedgehog was...   |   Personal space Newer »


You are not currently logged in. Log in or create a new account to post comments.