I have a Dorito-ranking spreadsheet!
June 7, 2019 4:59 PM   Subscribe

"I’m sure this is the kind of essay where you expect to find a picture of me casually standing in my sun-dappled kitchen, a woven basket full of my farmer’s market bounty propped against my hip as I lean seductively on my impeccable farmhouse sink, fully hydrated and ready to pass a firm, fiber-enriched stool." Except, of course, there are no farm-fresh tomatoes, and this is not that kind of essay. You know what Samantha Irby does eat? Poppin’ Jalapeño Doritos. A single-link Medium essay on using up what's in the refrigerator, delivery as a food group, and what we eat, standing over the sink, when there's no one else around.
posted by MonkeyToes (21 comments total) 14 users marked this as a favorite
 
Correct me if I'm wrong, but neither the link nor the article actually gave us the Dorito-ranking spreadsheet

This will not stand, man
posted by lorddimwit at 5:36 PM on June 7 [28 favorites]


Why we are supposed to make believe that convenience isn’t 99% of what we want in life, is bonkers to me. Okay fine. You want me to eat a wide variety of greens every single day and pretend that I enjoy it? I can do that, but I need you to sort the leaves and wash the dirt off them, please. I can’t tell lettuces apart! Just have a machine cut it up for me and rinse the e coli off — a task for which I will gladly pay the extra dollar or whatever it costs.

Oh my god, THANK YOU, YES, this is it. I will EAT THE GREENS, but I will not buy five separate little bunches of greens, wash all of those bunches, cut any of those bunches, toss them in a bowl, and then eat them. No. It is Too Much. Give me one (1) bag of assorted mixed greens, pre-washed, and I will happily eat them with an assortment of additional vegetables and some dressing.
posted by yasaman at 5:54 PM on June 7 [24 favorites]


Assorted Mixed Greens Doritos did not fare well in the rankings.
posted by Greg_Ace at 6:01 PM on June 7 [11 favorites]


Give me one (1) bag of assorted mixed greens, pre-washed, and I will happily eat them with an assortment of additional vegetables and some dressing.

Do you not have Olivia's at a large grocery establishment near you? Cause that's my jam.
posted by jeremias at 7:41 PM on June 7


If I can save but one bag of sad kale, i will have not lived in vain.

Leafy greens like kale, spinach, chard and collards get cooked immediately upon return home. They keep much longer, take up less space, and can easily be portioned and frozen.

Say no to bags of slime. God bless.
posted by ananci at 7:50 PM on June 7 [9 favorites]


Also OP we are waiting for the spreadsheet pls.
posted by ananci at 7:50 PM on June 7 [3 favorites]


my favorite thing to do on a weeknight is throw a bunch of stuff into a big cast-iron pan with a dousing of olive oil and many cloves of chopped garlic, then serve it over whatever pasta we happen to have lying around waiting to be of service. It’s the best way to use up whatever rotting thing you scrape out of your vegetable drawer at the end of the week.

Even better, throw them on a baking sheet and roast them while you watch an episode of whatever. Even less work than throwing them in a pan, and it warms up the kitchen nicely.
posted by pernoctalian at 8:13 PM on June 7 [1 favorite]


I'm disappointed that Meaty is not a cookbook.
posted by zamboni at 8:15 PM on June 7 [2 favorites]


i don't remember writing this but clearly it me
posted by Two unicycles and some duct tape at 8:32 PM on June 7 [3 favorites]


I’m so confused. I’ve never had kale go bad in 5 days. Wrap a wet paper towel around the stems and shove it in a plastic bag in the crisper and it lasts almost 2 weeks.

But bagged salad? Brown by the end of the week.

(And is say that as someone who v often chooses bagged salad over lettuce, for the convenience.)
posted by greermahoney at 9:44 PM on June 7 [4 favorites]


Not to abuse the edit window, I’m wondering if this is because I’m in California and closer to the produce? Back when I lived in MA, you couldn’t get me to eat kale, so I don’t know how long it lasts.
posted by greermahoney at 9:46 PM on June 7


I wish we could stop pretending that kale is good. It sucks.

Team Spicy Sweet Chili btw.
posted by fluttering hellfire at 2:04 PM on June 8 [1 favorite]


I mean, is anyone sure kale even existed before about ten years ago?
posted by sjswitzer at 2:15 PM on June 8 [5 favorites]


I really like kale. Cooked or raw. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
posted by greermahoney at 6:02 PM on June 8 [3 favorites]


I mean, is anyone sure kale even existed before about ten years ago?

I was introduced to it in the 80s, so unless everythingssince then has been a Dallas-style dream sequence* then yes I am sure.

*Come to think of it, given recent political ridiculosity that could well be the case...so who knows.
posted by Greg_Ace at 7:50 PM on June 8 [1 favorite]


I ate kale salad once. It was like eating a shredded silk plant with balsamic dressing.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 9:29 PM on June 8


Cooked kale is good, but the recent fad of eating it raw strikes me as on a par with self-flagellation or hair-shirt wearing.
posted by Greg_Ace at 10:23 PM on June 8 [1 favorite]


I had a kitchen job in the early 1990s where we went through tons of kale... but nobody ate the stuff! It was the decorative greenery that went around the various bins and containers in the salad bar. The idea that it could also be used as a foodstuff was completely foreign to us.
posted by Daily Alice at 5:56 AM on June 9 [4 favorites]


nobody ate the stuff! It was the decorative greenery that went around the various bins and containers in the salad bar

Same here, Daily Alice! At the place I worked, we saved the kale when we tore down the salad bar to reuse the next day. It was nasty with blobs of salad dressing and cottage cheese spilled all over it, and we'd throw it in a bucket to wash and reuse. That is what most readily comes to mind when I think of kale, large leathery greens covered in smelly old salad bar sloppings. Blech.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 7:06 AM on June 9 [1 favorite]


I too set up salad bars with kale edging. At the time, I didn't know about its culinary and cultural history. (A nice Michael Twitty essay on collards.)

So, uh, who's going to ask Samantha Irby about posting that spreadsheet? (Asking for a friend who may or may not have reached for the sour cream and onion chips instead of a banana because there was no one else around for a few minutes.)
posted by MonkeyToes at 7:19 AM on June 9 [2 favorites]


I'll go one better and state that kale was a decorative ornamental planting/edging in Birmingham from about late February until it bolted to seed in June. Eating that would be like eating azaleas, and probably also poisonous.
posted by halfbuckaroo at 7:25 AM on June 9 [1 favorite]


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