Alternately, use money to buy things
June 7, 2019 10:33 PM   Subscribe

35 stupid crafts one can make with cement, set to horrible upbeat music. (The last several use polymer clay.)

Sometimes it is nice to be mad about something truly dumb.
posted by Going To Maine (90 comments total) 18 users marked this as a favorite
 
I've been transfixed with these when they appear on my feed. They are both labour intensive and ugly af. I was leaning towards these being a knowing troll or some kind of satire because it's clearly not just me watching the arse out of them and viewing metrics don't care if you're hate watching.
posted by Trivia Newton John at 10:54 PM on June 7 [6 favorites]


I... don’t hate them? Like, they’re not exactly my style, so I wouldn’t make them. But if I had a different place, maybe. I did like the flower pot type things the most. They work as outdoor decorations.
posted by greermahoney at 10:59 PM on June 7 [7 favorites]


All things aside, sometimes it's good to take a moment and reflect on how truly amazing cement and concrete are.
posted by adzm at 11:05 PM on June 7 [25 favorites]


I've been pretty sure these are super straight-faced parodies since the cordless drill one showed up in my YT suggestions.
posted by ctmf at 11:18 PM on June 7 [11 favorites]


5 minute crafts is notorious for unrealistic, bananas, and just downright impossible "crafts". See jenna Marbles make a jean chair with stuffing and... staples. (YouTube, Language warning)
posted by Crystalinne at 11:19 PM on June 7 [27 favorites]


Hell is empty and all of the devils are here.
posted by mostlymartha at 11:21 PM on June 7 [10 favorites]


I don't think I've ever thought, "My place needs more things made of concrete."
posted by zompist at 11:21 PM on June 7 [12 favorites]


Cement doesn't dry, it cures.
posted by humboldt32 at 11:25 PM on June 7 [13 favorites]


There used to be a DIY channel pop up on my FB that had hilariously time intensive projects using Mason jars, spray paint, pingpong balls, etc. to make things that were either just ugly or would be cheaper to simply buy rather than do by hand.
posted by emjaybee at 11:32 PM on June 7


According to Wikipedia, if it can be trusted, 5 Minute Crafts is based in Cyprus, founded by Russians, and has the third-most subscribers on the platform. I am agog.
posted by Going To Maine at 11:33 PM on June 7 [18 favorites]


I've been pretty sure these are super straight-faced parodies since the cordless drill one showed up in my YT suggestions.

ABSOLUTE MADNESS
posted by Going To Maine at 11:34 PM on June 7 [5 favorites]


These are all pretty horrible, but I've never heard of crab-flavoured Pringles before, and now I want some.
posted by Fuchsoid at 11:49 PM on June 7 [10 favorites]


Also if you've been dying for a version of this with but ear bleeding narration - "it's not a problem anymore!" I present, Troom Troom. A topic that Simply Nailogical has explored.
posted by Crystalinne at 11:49 PM on June 7 [4 favorites]


Re: the cordless drill one.

About a million years ago, I was working at a theatre. I was supposed to make a cake that had meringue for a cast party. A co-worker was to bring a mixer to work, so I could finish it there. She brought me a whisk. Have you tried to make meringue with a whisk? I hadn't. It did not go well. After 20 minutes of whisking, I had a sore arm and nothing close to stiff peaks. (Gosh, that sounds dirty.) One of the stage carpenters saw my unsuccessful attempt and was like, hey, I think we could make you a mixer. And we proceed to duct tape the whisk to a cordless drill to make a mixer.

And that's the story of my never making meringue cake for that cast party.
posted by greermahoney at 11:55 PM on June 7 [46 favorites]


Gaffer tape, surely.
posted by ryanrs at 12:22 AM on June 8 [9 favorites]


Four takeaways from the video:

1. Ben Grimm's collected /r/GifRecipes submissions

2. Red Green was right, duct tape is the handy-crafter's secret weapon

3. A twisted cry for help from a repressed PlasterCaster groupie

4. It's clear now that Jimmy Hoffa's body was dunked, posed, LET DRY 24 HRS, and is now a whimsical yet tasteful candle holder or coat rack somewhere in Greenwich Village.
posted by zaixfeep at 12:39 AM on June 8 [18 favorites]


Why would you destroy a perfectly good springform pan to make a truly shitty-looking cement stand?

Why do crab Pringles exist?

Does anyone else get the horrible sensory scratchiness of cement clinging stickily to fabric just from looking too hard at these doily projects? Is there an opposite of ASMR?

How many cement candleholders can one human-- nay, one household-- really use, let alone actually need?

Why would you turn what looks like a fairly nice and expensive stuffed fox into one of the cheapest and worst-looking lawn ornaments on the planet?

I just have so many questions.
posted by Rush-That-Speaks at 12:47 AM on June 8 [18 favorites]


I actually quite like the flowerpot / planter ideas. With some masonry paint over the top, the finished result could be pretty nice and maybe even decent value for money. I think it's hard to find good-looking pots and planters at all, much less cheap ones.
posted by Panthalassa at 1:00 AM on June 8 [6 favorites]


That said, the jean chair video is absolutely hilarious.
posted by Panthalassa at 1:09 AM on June 8


Oh! Those are gnomes. And not, like, little scrotums with hats.

Or Santas. Had to turn off red-filter night-mode.
posted by sebastienbailard at 1:25 AM on June 8 [4 favorites]


Alternately, use money to buy things

To be fair, cement-encased stuffed foxes are difficult to source commercially.
posted by flabdablet at 1:37 AM on June 8 [25 favorites]


I've been transfixed with these when they appear on my feed. They are both labour intensive and ugly af. I was leaning towards these being a knowing troll or some kind of satire because it's clearly not just me watching the arse out of them and viewing metrics don't care if you're hate watching.
Yeah, I have the same confusion -- basically every time I see one of these I can't tell whether there is some joke that I'm just not getting or whether these really are what they purport to be.

I don't watch them all that frequently but there are significantly sized audiences that are watching these. /r/DiWHY seems to have no trouble filling a subreddit with them.
posted by Nerd of the North at 1:53 AM on June 8


One of the stage carpenters saw my unsuccessful attempt and was like, hey, I think we could make you a mixer. And we proceed to duct tape the whisk to a cordless drill to make a mixer.

You can cook a frozen pizza on top of a road case with a 1000W par can too.

For those not in lighting.
posted by deadwax at 2:49 AM on June 8 [6 favorites]


Sure, I don't think some of these are very appealing aesthetically, but some of them I appreciate and I think there is definitely a cultural gap not being appreciated in this thread. I know growing up in a not 5-eyes country there were arts/crafts type things given to us as lovely gifts that kind of fit this.
posted by freethefeet at 4:09 AM on June 8 [3 favorites]


Alternately, use money to buy things
I mean, what's better, mindless consumption of plastic shit from the dollar store or wherever or thoughtful, bespoke crafting of something you actually want or need from materials that are a lot less destructive?
posted by Hal Mumkin at 4:13 AM on June 8 [2 favorites]




These . . . don’t seem bad? Like, I watched one of these that involved pouring cement into a normal, rectangular ice cube tray and using the resulting blocks as paperweights, so like this was quite pretty and produced useful things to be honest. I might do some of them.
posted by chainsofreedom at 5:15 AM on June 8 [3 favorites]


It's like they saw Homemade Modern's Bucket Stool and thought they'd run with it.

But if you want both funny and charming in your crafting videos, you need Your Host, The Crafsman.
posted by dobbs at 5:30 AM on June 8 [1 favorite]


The thought I have with these crafts though is how they use regular kitchen stuff- without any kind of disclaimers about potentially ruining them- the springform pan as one of them! How many parents are like "you saw what now? on youtube? with my good springform pan?!!"
posted by freethefeet at 5:32 AM on June 8 [10 favorites]


Yeah I winced at the springform pan; it would have been easy to spray some sort of mold-release agent into it (I think soapy water will work... traditionally petroleum products are used on concrete forms, so maybe Pam or Crisco would work). But in a pan with a roughened surface I'd think there's a good chance it's going to stick.

TBH I don't hate all the crafts. The candleholders made from Pringles tubes are sorta neat, in that they're reminiscent of concrete pilings made using Sonotube forms, and would not be out of place if you lived in a converted loft or some other sort of modern-industrial space. But who really wants a set of five-pound candleholders?

Concrete (cement mixed with aggregate, because as you scale up you don't want to just use cement) is an amazing material, and I do think it's something that crafters and people doing home projects probably don't use to its full extent. I've thought periodically about making a concrete coffee table like this (for which they want eight hundred dollars, good god, I'm in the wrong business) but making all the forms is hardly worthwhile if you're doing just one.

I've also seen a concrete wine rack that was fairly cool; basically you just build a square box about 10" deep and fill it with cylindrical tubes such that they're separated by about 3/4" (I think the build plan I saw used the straight portion of 2L PET soda bottles; you can't use wine bottles because the resulting fit will be too tight) and a slightly bigger rim around the edges. Fill with latex-doped concrete (the stuff made for floors, I think, which uses latex so it won't crack as easily). I would probably add some reinforcing wire in there too, but it might well be overkill. They look pretty cool, although empty they do tend to trigger my trypophobia. But that's easily solved by filling it with wine.
posted by Kadin2048 at 6:26 AM on June 8 [1 favorite]


Media can be an engineered product like so many other things. The belongs to the creators who can cultivate and monetize both an earnest audience and a hate-watching audience at the same time. To even ask the question "Can they be serious?" is to fall into a trap. They don't care if you make magnetized concrete eggs, they don't care if you hate magnetized concrete eggs; as long as you're watching.
posted by Western Infidels at 6:50 AM on June 8 [19 favorites]


These made me hate that I managed to incarnate in the Land of Hungry Ghosts.

It's an ironic sensation, seeing as I've long had a side hustle teaching trencadís mosaic technique to kids and seniors and generally promoting the idea of being hands-on and directly involved in the materials in one's life, but I think these basically subvert the materialist culture of buying shit...into a materialist culture of delusional craft that's as acquisitive and hoardy as its manufactured alternative, but with the distinction that you're building thoughtless clutter that's usually rendered antirecyclable by the process of creativity (or in this case, the process of precisely replicating what other people are doing). We crave engagement, but rather than really engage, we lurch into this strange half-life of "crafting" out of the same delusion that building our nests means filling every single available open space with more things.

That said, the weird stupid half soda bottle doorstop reminded me that, like bangs, the word "mancave," rocks with inspirational words sandblasted into their surface, duct tape wallets, gingham ribbons tied around green or blue glass mason jars, hot pepper string lights, replica Coca-Cola memorabilia, and huge collections of DVD in their original plastic cases, sometimes culture is quite good at producing effective warning signs to get the hell out of there as swiftly as one can to avoid the peril to one's immortal soul.
posted by sonascope at 6:52 AM on June 8 [14 favorites]


They look pretty cool, although empty they do tend to trigger my trypophobia. But that's easily solved by filling it me with wine.

fixed that for me
posted by flabdablet at 7:08 AM on June 8 [7 favorites]


According to Wikipedia, if it can be trusted, 5 Minute Crafts is based in Cyprus, founded by Russians...
posted by Going To Maine


Russians? I guess they wanted Brutalist Martha Stewart, becase, as the video illustrates, this is how you get Brutalist Martha Stewart.
posted by zaixfeep at 7:08 AM on June 8 [17 favorites]


Someone wittier than me should coin a term for this genre of YouTube clickbait.

One I saw recently shows a bunch of different ways to tell whether your food is "clean" or "toxic". Stuff like: "clean" turmeric burns; "toxic" turmeric doesn't. "Toxic" milk turns blue when you add seaweed; "clean" milk doesn't.

It starts out dumb, and descends rapidly into sheer self-parody. I was sure that it was deliberate satire of the whole "wellness" / "clean food" thing.

But then I read the comments, and...99% of viewers apparently think it's legit. The creator of the video must know that it's bullshit, but I don't think they meant it as satire. And legions of viewers were happy to take medical advice from a crappy YouTube montage set to stock music. Sigh.
posted by escape from the potato planet at 7:09 AM on June 8 [4 favorites]


bangs, the word "mancave," rocks with inspirational words sandblasted into their surface, duct tape wallets, gingham ribbons tied around green or blue glass mason jars, hot pepper string lights, replica Coca-Cola memorabilia, and huge collections of DVD in their original plastic cases

♫♪♪ these are a few of my favourite things ♫♪♪
posted by flabdablet at 7:10 AM on June 8 [12 favorites]


99% of viewers apparently think it's legit

How To Make Eggs Benedict
posted by flabdablet at 7:13 AM on June 8 [15 favorites]


More DIY cement fun.
posted by peeedro at 7:16 AM on June 8


I need these all for my Brutalist condo. Everything will be concrete and cement. Dozens of heavy shapes, scraping against each other, the booming scratch echoing through the rough, earthy arches of my home. This will be the great and terrible sound of my day to day! MWAHAHAHA!!!
posted by es_de_bah at 7:25 AM on June 8 [4 favorites]


Oh the poor disappearing fox. That hurt my brain.

Some of these seemed like they were almost nice. Almost. But not quite. Like the uncanny valley of a cute craft project.

Years ago I had some extra concrete, and ended up making a pot/birdbath thing (I really don’t remember what I was trying to make) for the yard. My goal was to get it covered in moss, and I read a tip pre-Pinterest to add peat moss to the mixture. After a couple years in a shady location, it did actually grow quite a bit of moss and was pretty cool looking.

On that note, if you do want to get crafty with concrete, especially as a woman, it’s often sold in 80 and 90lbs bags. This is fucking stupid and clearly no one considered that perhaps women would like to use concrete? (I am generally salty about how many home improvement items are unnecessarily packaged/sized to exclude woman that just don’t need to be. Two 40-45lbs bags would be just dandy.)
posted by [insert clever name here] at 7:25 AM on June 8 [10 favorites]


I've got a fever and the only cure is more cement!
posted by I-Write-Essays at 7:30 AM on June 8 [3 favorites]


I've been pretty sure these are super straight-faced parodies since the cordless drill one showed up in my YT suggestions.

You know what it feels like to me is dada through an extremely contemporary lens. Like, the cement one doesn't have as strong a sense of parody as the drill one, but they both have that same weird uncertainty about them regardless, and I think it has less to do with a question of "is it a joke or isn't it?" and more to do with the clear sense that this is the execution of a premise independent of any a priori expectation that premise is worth executing. There's no, like, coherent causality to these ideas in the videos: they exist as conceptualized and filmed craft pitches because a space was made, for whatever reason, for them to be conceptualized and filmed.

Not "hey, I've got some really good idea for crafts using cement" so much as "hey, there will exist a video of crafts using cement, what can come into existence to fulfill that statement?". Some of those ideas sort of work! But it doesn't matter whether or not they do. It matters that they exist.

It's exquisite corpse for a video content mill. It's improv prop comedy without the comedy. The drill video works as dry parody not because it is or is not parody but because the clear lack of any traditional justification for it to exist makes the fact that it exists anyway feel absurdist.

Whether or not there was comedic intent may not be strictly unanswerable, but it is irrelevant because the apparent success of these as visual and conceptual products hasn't depended at all on answering it. It's post-comedy, it's paracomedy. If 25 Easy Drill Hacks didn't exist, it would be necessary for us to invent it.

See jenna Marbles make a jean chair with stuffing and... staples

Also, yeah, this was very very good.
posted by cortex at 8:22 AM on June 8 [19 favorites]


[cement pours on Han Solo]
LET DRY
GIVE TO BOBA FETT
posted by RobotVoodooPower at 8:42 AM on June 8 [7 favorites]


I can't with the vast majority of "up-cycled" ideas. Congratulations, you've turned garbage into garbage.
posted by vespabelle at 8:48 AM on June 8 [5 favorites]


I like the idea of using cement for things like plant pots and whatever, have several. Is there a better liquid moldable material for some of the other decorations and household stuff though?
posted by thefool at 9:11 AM on June 8


Brutalist Martha Stewart

Ah yes, Martha Stalwart
posted by oulipian at 9:19 AM on June 8 [15 favorites]


I like these taken with a grain of salt. But I'm old and from a rural area and they're not totally outlandish to the way that I'd do the same thing. My maternal grandfather built his house and was a wood worker. My father was a steel engineer and built our stove, deck, pool, and treehouse. There's not that much that can't be done with a visit to the hardware store and things on-hand. I guess that's a thing that the younger city dwelling Amazon/Walmart/Target generation just doesn't quite get.
posted by zengargoyle at 9:44 AM on June 8 [2 favorites]


After seeing the end result of each one I thought, Ugly. Ugly. Ugly. Ugly...
posted by Splunge at 9:48 AM on June 8 [2 favorites]


The fox should have emulated Bugs.

You know what it feels like to me is dada through an extremely contemporary lens.... Like this?
posted by zaixfeep at 10:02 AM on June 8


Is there an opposite of ASMR?

Media can be an engineered product like so many other things. The belongs to the creators who can cultivate and monetize both an earnest audience and a hate-watching audience at the same time. To even ask the question "Can they be serious?" is to fall into a trap. They don't care if you make magnetized concrete eggs, they don't care if you hate magnetized concrete eggs; as long as you're watching.

You know what it feels like to me is dada through an extremely contemporary lens.


I think all of this seems right. (A better title for this post, in hindsight: "All Art Is Useless, or RMSA (Obviously Unsatisfying)") From skimming the comments on YouTube, plenty of people are hate-watching these to complain about them.

There are cathartic virtues to be had in doing DIY activities that I understand (pottery, writing, whatever), but this seems like the video makers were given a bag of cement and a list of craft objects and then forced to identify ways to make each one if it were remotely possible. ("Will it chair?", "Will it magnet?", ad infinitum) It reminds me of past posts about YouTube Kids: adults and animated characters doing absurd things in infinite combimations and racking up millions of views because we cannot look away. This is the same thing, but targeted at adults - although there is a 5-Minute Crafts Kids channel because of course there is, it's a natural extension.

The video seems like dada because the the products are by and large quintessentially useless and just about doing something. (Or maybe a cargo cult is a better comparison: "Is this... A well-appointed home?") Some of the crafts have an appeal but it often feels like pure luck, in the same way that 10,000 monkeys in a room will get you Shakespeare eventually. (Yes, I guess that's an OK trivet.) This isn't really craft, it's the pretense of craft. And I watch with the smug superiority of knowing that. (Juxtapose with something like Nailed It!, which acknowledges that baking is hard. Is this any less savvy?)
posted by Going To Maine at 10:31 AM on June 8 [2 favorites]


O, and I would add that there is an interesting class overtone to this thing as well, given the quality of the products being made, the cost of better products, and the kind of space you need if you're going to have a big ol' bag of cement around, but interrogating that is beyond me right now.
posted by Going To Maine at 10:35 AM on June 8 [1 favorite]


Is there a better liquid moldable material for some of the other decorations and household stuff though?

I wouldn't be surprised if some of the ideas are recycled for a collection of crafts that can be made with epoxy resin. And then you can have some fun with things you can embed in it. Bottlecaps? Pennies? Dice? Crayons? Teeth?
posted by RobotHero at 10:39 AM on June 8 [1 favorite]


>5 Minute Crafts is based in Cyprus, founded by Russians, and has the third-most subscribers on the platform

So the real craft of 5 Minute Crafts is that they have hacked some aspect of human psychology. While I believe they're often awful because the motive is monetization (quantity-over-quality), the mention of Russian funding had me thinking up a comedy plot where that inspire-to-self-sabotage nature is part of a wacky Kremlin cyber-warfare operation. But then escape from the potato planet mentioned that video that makes people suspicious of food in unhelpful/hoax ways (I've watched people I know take it as gospel), and now it's not so funny because if these techniques are not already being used to intentionally undermine societal trust and agreed-reality, it's probably only a matter of time.
posted by anonymisc at 11:14 AM on June 8 [2 favorites]


Oh, they apparently start using epoxy resin near the end of the video, after the polymer clay, so they couldn't even commit to a full 35 ideas with just cement.

My understanding of what to do with cement is more informed by Mike Haduck.
posted by RobotHero at 11:34 AM on June 8 [1 favorite]


by and large quintessentially useless and just about doing something.

That's it exactly. It's like the late stages of a game of "find a use for concrete, and you can't repeat what someone else has already said", but you can't just name the thing, it has to be executed and filmed.
posted by ctmf at 11:42 AM on June 8 [2 favorites]


Crab pringles.

CRAB PRINGLES.

also, diy blender with a power drill, razor blades, and a mason jar is terrifying.
posted by kaibutsu at 11:56 AM on June 8 [3 favorites]


The pepper grinder made me cackle out loud. Or peeling an apple. The power drill video has much more over-the-top ideas like that, where the cement one stays boringly plausible.


I looked up peat moss and cement and apparently some people call this "hypertufa?" And it's supposed to make it more porous and is popular for plant pots and garden decorations.
posted by RobotHero at 12:24 PM on June 8 [1 favorite]


I want to see the Black Mirror version where the channel creators, who must keep views/subscribers above a certain number or die a horrible YouTubed death, start running out of ideas and turn to concrete body modification.
posted by romakimmy at 12:32 PM on June 8 [5 favorites]


duct tape is the handy-crafter's secret weapon

"With a big enough lever, I can move the world!"

"Yeah, well with a big enough roll of duct-tape, I can stop you."
posted by StickyCarpet at 12:37 PM on June 8 [7 favorites]


I'm pretty sure cement doesn't dry cure in 5 minutes.
posted by MtDewd at 12:39 PM on June 8


the real craft of 5 Minute Crafts is that they have hacked some aspect of human psychology

I had a friend who was an editor of supermarket checkout magazines. All of this DIY stuff, from Martha Stewart on down, was categorized by the publisher as "dream books".

It didn't matter if the "recipe" worked or not, that wasn't the point. The point was to tell a story of something you could do, in a better future. It's first-person fantasy writing.
posted by StickyCarpet at 12:43 PM on June 8 [7 favorites]


I managed to watch five minutes of horrible, ugly things (calling them crafts seems wrong) being made before giving up, so I guess the 5 Minute Crafts name is apropos.
posted by tommasz at 1:07 PM on June 8


False flags. FALSE FLAGS!
posted by amanda at 1:22 PM on June 8


My daughter said that she wants to make at least half of these so I'll probably pick up a bag of cement and let her go wild with it this summer.
posted by any portmanteau in a storm at 2:04 PM on June 8 [2 favorites]


Most of these weren't that bad, honestly, and some decent ideas in there.

I'm not going to make any of these, but I didn't hate it.

It was a weird mix of "hey, that's sort of cool" and "oh no, what are you doing?" though.
posted by darksong at 2:21 PM on June 8


"How to turn trash into uglier, dumber trash"

I'm nigh-furious over the treatment of that very nice-looking stuffed fox.
posted by rifflesby at 2:46 PM on June 8 [3 favorites]


So what's the difference between concrete and cement, anyway? I thought cement is actually more of a glue, an example being the mortar between bricks.

My daughter said that she wants to make at least half of these

For a less Brutalist appearance, I think Plaster of Paris would do just as well (that is, if you don't have an opened bag of Sakrete ready and waiting, out in the garage).
posted by Rash at 3:50 PM on June 8


I too have a drill whisk meringue story...

It's basically the same story
posted by Just this guy, y'know at 3:56 PM on June 8 [2 favorites]


Concrete is cement plus aggregate (sand, small stones and sometimes "recycled" glass).
posted by sjswitzer at 4:20 PM on June 8 [1 favorite]


I thought cement is actually more of a glue, an example being the mortar between bricks.

Mortar typically has a lower ratio of Portland cement to sand than concrete does. Its main job is not so much to glue the bricks together as to provide a conformal bed for them to sit on so that walls don't wobble. Most of what holds up a brick wall is geometry and gravity, as clearly demonstrated by any number of tragic slam dunk deaths.
posted by flabdablet at 6:43 PM on June 8 [2 favorites]


The crab Pringles seem like a dead giveaway that these aren't meant to be taken seriously. Nobody who wants to be taken seriously includes a detail like that.
posted by Mr.Encyclopedia at 8:27 PM on June 8 [1 favorite]


Thomas Edison believed in concrete houses filled with concrete furniture and even created a company to do just that, though he lost a lot of money with this, though they did end up building the Yankee Stadium.
posted by eye of newt at 10:22 PM on June 8


So, uh, if anyone wants to try their hand at this stuff, I'd suggest buying Quikrete or similar since it comes in 20 lb boxes.

I went through a "fill all the bottles etc with cement" phase some years ago after seeing a cement gallon of milk and bottle of bleach at the MCA in Chicago. (It was at an installation of "artist's studios", not presented as an Art by itself. There are Standards) I am most proud of my cement Martinelli's bottle... It's surprising how much surface detail the cement preserves. If you use cardboard to build your mold, you will see the grain of the cardboard in the finished product. It can be fascinating just to touch and hold these things.
posted by Standard Orange at 11:35 PM on June 8 [3 favorites]


Books aren't heavy enough, dip them in concrete. Hopefully you don't plan on ever moving.
posted by starfishprime at 11:49 PM on June 8 [4 favorites]


The crab Pringles seem like a dead giveaway that these aren't meant to be taken seriously. Nobody who wants to be taken seriously includes a detail like that.

Fish-flavored chips and other snacks are pretty common at Asian grocers here in North America. In Russia, would they be seen as outside the mainstream?
posted by Mothlight at 7:11 AM on June 9 [3 favorites]


Surely the "crab" flavored Pringles are just seasoned with Old Bay (or an Old Bay knock-off)? That's how it works with "crab" flavored potato chips and other snack foods.
posted by escape from the potato planet at 8:39 AM on June 9


After researching this for way too long, I've determined that:

1. There are numerous canister designs for crab-flavored Pringles in various markets around the world. (It's unclear whether they are different recipes.)

2. According to the description of this one (marketed in Russia), it does contain crab meat.
posted by escape from the potato planet at 8:46 AM on June 9 [1 favorite]


Here in the mid-Atlantic there are plenty of crab-flavored chip-type things that actually contain crab.

Doesn't seem that weird to me, but I have both Clamato and Worcestershire sauce in the fridge.
posted by aspersioncast at 5:24 PM on June 9 [1 favorite]


99% of viewers apparently think it's legit

How to Keep Your Produce Fresh

This classic from 2007 is clearly due for a cement-based update. Get on it, 5 Minute Crafts.
posted by flabdablet at 2:21 AM on June 10 [2 favorites]


I read the comments before clicking on the link and realised I'd been mesmerized by the meals version of this site last winter--every recipe seemed to involve handfuls of cheese. My favorite was the one that wedged a slice of bread into an inverted muffin tin into which you cracked an egg, then baked.

Anyway. None of these cement ideas were too egregious compared to the next one. I can't believe no one linked to it, the one with six rolls of toilet paper which is SURELY a gag. Definitely. Has to be.
posted by TWinbrook8 at 7:54 AM on June 10


I have both Clamato and Worcestershire sauce

Wait, I know Worcestershire sauce is supposed to include anchovies, but CLAMS?
posted by StickyCarpet at 5:54 PM on June 10


It's a regional dialect.
posted by flabdablet at 9:32 PM on June 10 [2 favorites]


the one with six rolls of toilet paper

That is a 10 minute video with like 5 ad breaks. No.
posted by amanda at 7:00 AM on June 11


...And we proceed to duct tape the whisk to a cordless drill to make a mixer.

And that's the story of my never making meringue cake for that cast party.


Sounds like a reasonable solution, so what went wrong?

In fact, I'm so sure this should work that I'm considering testing out the idea asap. Unfortunately, currently out of duct tape.
posted by she's not there at 12:06 PM on June 11


but CLAMS?
They sell clam juice at Safeway, fam.

Clamato is integral to both my michelada and bloody mary recipes, and is literally the only thing containing HFCS I voluntarily purchase.
posted by aspersioncast at 9:59 PM on June 11


Sounds like a reasonable solution, so what went wrong?

Interestingly, a drill apparently does not rotate fast enough to whip the eggs. Like, my hand was doing a faster job. We watched it spin leisurely through the eggs for a couple minutes and then I went off to get some store bought cookies or something.
posted by greermahoney at 5:56 AM on June 12


Whipping egg whites is done by entraining air bubbles into them, then busting those bubbles into smaller bubbles, over and over and over. Doing this with a hand whisk needs a specific wrist action that pulls a sheet of egg white up behind the whisk and then slaps it down onto the surface left behind in the bowl, trapping air in between. All you get by spinning the whisk is a bowl of smoothly rotating egg whites.

A blender can whip eggs to some extent because it spins fast enough to make a vortex that sucks air down the middle and blasts it out into the egg white past the whirling blades of death. A hand mixer can do it because it has two contra-rotating whisks that generate extreme turbulence and some frothing in the region where they interleave.

If you were going to get anywhere at whipping egg whites with a hand whisk and a drill, you'd need to bend the handle of the whisk after chucking it and hold it at an angle to the surface in order to get the right flipping and splashing action happening as the drill spins, and you'd want to use a fairly low speed lest you end up with egg white all over the walls and ceiling.
posted by flabdablet at 6:28 AM on June 12 [4 favorites]


In addition to whisking, mixing, and expediting various other similar tasks, somewhere there is a picture of me using a paddle bit and cordless drill to core a pineapple for fancy summer drinks.
posted by aspersioncast at 7:47 AM on June 12


egg white all over the ... ceiling.

Yes. I can confirm this is what happens.

My drill did not have the requisite speed control, and I guess the shape of a hand whisk is not the right shape for a high speed spin. I guess it's why electric mixers don't just look like normal whisks with motors on?
posted by Just this guy, y'know at 8:52 AM on June 12


See also: Cake O Matic
posted by flabdablet at 8:56 AM on June 12


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