Being Beyoncé’s assistant for the day: DONT GET FIRED THREAD
June 23, 2019 10:54 AM   Subscribe

 
This is a clever use of Twitter as a CYOA that I don't think I've seen before. It must have taken a fair bit of work. I got fired.
posted by EndsOfInvention at 11:14 AM on June 23, 2019 [7 favorites]


"FaceTime is exclusively for toddlers."
posted by thelonius at 11:53 AM on June 23, 2019 [5 favorites]


Doesn’t everyone get fired? What kind of diva would she be otherwise?
posted by hwestiii at 12:00 PM on June 23, 2019 [1 favorite]


I got far enough that I learned I consistently don't know that much about Beyoncé, and I'm okay with that.
posted by vegartanipla at 12:06 PM on June 23, 2019 [3 favorites]


I got all the way to the red carpet with the crumpled outfit and then the CYOA options seem to break down. Bummer. I was a pretty good assistant! (And the choices are seemed pretty logical to me!)
posted by oddman at 12:35 PM on June 23, 2019 [1 favorite]


Twitter is a tough gig.
posted by They sucked his brains out! at 12:57 PM on June 23, 2019 [1 favorite]


Yeah, who facetimes anyone over 2?
posted by howfar at 1:04 PM on June 23, 2019 [1 favorite]


When I was a kid, I used to read CYOA books page-by-page instead of flipping, and I appreciate that this medium allows for the same behavior if you go to the user's twitter profile directly and start scrolling.
posted by zachlipton at 1:13 PM on June 23, 2019 [8 favorites]


Can I just say that Beyonce does not seem like the kind of boss who would fire someone new who's just trying their best.

And by 'someone' - I don't mean 16 year old me at Baskin Robbins who was having problems telling the differences between Rocky Road and Chocolate Chip Fudge because he grew up in an Asian household where ice cream as not allowed, and only Neopolitan at that because three flavours in a tub was a better value and... uh, sorry... I, uh... which frappucino did you want again Ms. Knowles?
posted by helmutdog at 1:17 PM on June 23, 2019 [14 favorites]


After a false start (who wants to eat granola for breakfast?!), I made it through to the part about FaceTiming Jay, where I seem to have gotten caught in a loop that has everyone in the thread confused. Cool idea, anyway!
posted by mantecol at 1:58 PM on June 23, 2019 [3 favorites]


Can I just say that Beyonce does not seem like the kind of boss who would fire someone new who's just trying their best.

Yes, she does. You don't get to be Queen by tolerating mistakes. However, I'm sure she would be professional and kind as she exiled you from her court.
posted by betweenthebars at 2:07 PM on June 23, 2019 [2 favorites]


This was surprisingly entertaining! I got my ass fired but that's ok, I don't think I would want to be someone's personal assistant anyway. *says through tears*
posted by DTMFA at 2:36 PM on June 23, 2019


Oh dear - I got Beyonce kidnapped...... the Beyhive will have my head.... quick, someone hide me!
posted by Gyre,Gimble,Wabe, Esq. at 2:43 PM on June 23, 2019 [1 favorite]


betweenthebars: "Yes, she does. You don't get to be Queen by tolerating mistakes."

Yes, I'm reminded of the controversy surrounding Beyonce's private birthing suite, where a new father was prevented from seeing his child to accommodate Beyonce's wishes. I've never gotten the sense that she's all that interested in the little guy in her everyday life.
posted by crazy with stars at 3:18 PM on June 23, 2019 [5 favorites]


Where's the button for "tell this bratty gazillionaire to fuck off already"?
posted by Ursula Hitler at 3:33 PM on June 23, 2019 [11 favorites]


I learned that I'd find working for Beyonce both high stress and boring. Then again, I guess I already knew that. Why can't she decide how she wants to use a spare ten minutes? She just blindly accepts my suggestion and then fires me when something goes wrong later?
posted by salvia at 3:34 PM on June 23, 2019 [3 favorites]


It certainly seems like most of the firings should at least see Beyonce hauled in front of some sort of unfair dismissal tribunal, even if I'd expect her to walk away unsanctioned.
posted by AnhydrousLove at 5:11 PM on June 23, 2019


This is Beyonce as interpreted by a random Twitter person though, not Beyonce personally. The only person who knows what it's like to work for her is someone who works for her.
posted by divabat at 6:06 PM on June 23, 2019


It certainly seems like most of the firings should at least see Beyonce hauled in front of some sort of unfair dismissal tribunal, even if I'd expect her to walk away unsanctioned.

Isn't at-will employment fun?
posted by kafziel at 7:12 PM on June 23, 2019 [4 favorites]


Ha! This was awesome. I painstakingly read every possible outcome, just like I did with CYOA books when I was a kid. Nice use of Twitter!
posted by aka burlap at 8:20 PM on June 23, 2019


Ha, also the red toilet paper option take a couple more choices before it pays off; that was clever.
posted by aka burlap at 8:32 PM on June 23, 2019


I took the fall for stealing the horses and she still fired me!
posted by M-x shell at 9:02 PM on June 23, 2019


We all died in the plane crash because apparently Angie is more important than flight crew.
posted by Just this guy, y'know at 4:16 AM on June 24, 2019


Since Beyoncé's actual assistant must surely be a mefite: right now, should they
A) organize breakfast while memorizing and confirming today's schedule, or
B) get their ass on this thread and post a detailed comment comparing the actual job with the twitter version?

I mean, I got fired right after the pool incident (totally not my fault), but option B sounds pretty safe to me.
posted by kleinsteradikaleminderheit at 6:15 AM on June 24, 2019 [1 favorite]


Has anyone actually managed to win the game? Seems impossible! I got as far as surviving the first day only to be fired right afterwards, because of her dad’s phone call?? what was that about, there was no mention of her dad before that

get their ass on this thread and post a detailed comment comparing the actual job with the twitter version?


Ahh but NDA’s and privacy and all that, no way. I hope it’s not as terrible.
posted by bitteschoen at 7:05 AM on June 24, 2019


I made a decent amount of progress with blind guessing, much like my real career.
posted by EndsOfInvention at 8:19 AM on June 24, 2019 [4 favorites]


I know zero about Beyonce (making me a terrible gay according to someone's standards, I'm sure) but I absolutely adore this as a "thing" - CYOA on Twitter is something I could see having legs just because it's a really clever concept. Just remember to not use that trademark around it (if you're creating one) or the publisher might get antsy.

I wish my brain would stop suggesting "ooh you could make a custom-twitter-client authoring tool for this to make it easier to compose them" sort of ideas, though. Shush brain, we already have too many other open Things right now.
posted by BuxtonTheRed at 10:49 AM on June 24, 2019


What are you getting her for breakfast?

Whatever the fuck she wants? GRITS???
posted by Abehammerb Lincoln at 12:27 PM on June 24, 2019


who facetimes anyone over 2?
Apparently DC interns, unless the annual influx of "bright young things" holding their phones 8 inches from their faces while walking into traffic are all playing Pokemon (or, I suppose, talking to toddlers).

I would not want to be anyone's assistant, but I doubt being Beyoncé's intern would be any worse than, say, Rand Paul's.
posted by aspersioncast at 5:03 AM on June 25, 2019


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