If you don't like it MOVE
August 10, 2019 5:45 AM   Subscribe

 
The people wearing the original shirts believe they'd be much happier in a feudal system where they don't have to think or do anything other than what their lord tells them to and can beat the shit out of anyone they like (except when the lord tells them not to). It sounds barbaric, and it is, but that's not the worst part.

The worst part is that there are a lot of billionaires who would ALSO be happier in a feudal system where they're the lords, and don't have to answer to anyone but each other. A lot of ultra-rich western white dudes have huge boners on for middle-eastern princes and kings, thinking: yeah, that's the system for me.
posted by seanmpuckett at 6:37 AM on August 10 [10 favorites]


i feel VERY LONELY
my NEBULOUS FEAR is DISPLACED
[brushed steel bar]
into PETTY HOSTILITY
broadcast aimlessly at
[image of a skeleton on a harley]
ANYONE MORE PHYSICALLY
VULNERABLE THAN ME
i fear my life has
NO MEANING AT ALL
if you don’t like it
[red bar]
NEITHER DO I
SNOWFLAKE
posted by Reclusive Novelist Thomas Pynchon at 6:44 AM on August 10 [40 favorites]


I saw that Gilbert thread randomly yesterday evening (from David Malki ! I think) and now it seems to me to be more common than cat photos. I kind of missed the whole feral hog thing but a lot of these are making me chuckle.

I am a WOMAN professor
I own ALL THE ROTHYS
I tweet about YOGA
I love KALE AND BOOK CLUBS
I publish while YOU ARE SLEEPING
If you don’t cite me I become a PiSsEd OfF reviewer 2
Does this make you sad, little boy?
posted by mark k at 6:47 AM on August 10 [5 favorites]




(and now i see that the person i stole this joke from is david gilbert’s brother and that the joke is actually part of the thread that i didn’t read all of before i was like “ooh favorites opportunity!” oh well...)
posted by Reclusive Novelist Thomas Pynchon at 7:03 AM on August 10 [2 favorites]


i am an AGING HIPSTER
i SHITPOST on METAFILTER
and DRINK TOO MUCH COFFEE
i listen to PODCASTS and INDIE ROCK
and make DATED POP CULTURE REFERENCES
if you don't like it
KISS MAH GRITS
posted by entropicamericana at 7:04 AM on August 10 [52 favorites]


Multiple feelings: (a) hope, because algorithms continue to be horrible at personalization, so math is not yet our Overlord (b) perturbation, because I understand less and less why people want to put both embarrassing and insulting things on their chests like billboards (c) ruefulness, because I have, in my time, worn things that say truculent things and even gave my daughter a TASTES LIKE CHICKEN t-shirt when she was in college (d) an increasing desire to wear shirts that do not say anything at all, though I bought one yesterday with a Hiroshige rain scene on it, and (e) annoyance because I am on a self-imposed ten-day Twitter fast because I want slightly less outrage in my life, and it's hilarious how many threads/articles/things forwarded/messages turn out to be Twitter threads, so I keep saying "Oops" out loud and closing the window.
posted by Peach at 7:05 AM on August 10 [6 favorites]


I love how many of these hyper-specific "fill in the blanks with your identity" shirts start off by targeting "snowflakes."

My favorites that I've had targeted at me on the facebooks:

1. Years ago, when I was working at NBC, got repeated ads for sweatshirts printed with "I'm a Comcast Girl. Only the strong survive." Besides the fact that they went to NBC's remote parent company, I enjoyed that their algorithm got my gender wrong. I honestly almost bought that one.

2. Having recently gotten married, I'm now getting inundated with ad for a Cammo T-shirt reading "I LOVE it when MY WIFE lets me go hunting" which I assume I'm getting only because of my recently changed status and not because of the entire rest of my page which would tell them I'm not their dude for this one (lives in Manhattan, works in TV, and regularly pushes to support Elizabeth Warren? Sounds like a regular outdoor sportsman to me!")
posted by Navelgazer at 7:12 AM on August 10 [11 favorites]



I am a frequent FACEBOOK USER
and I click on ADVERTISEMENTS
shown to me based on my
PERSONAL INFORMATION
[flaming grim reaper]
I like JOKES about FARTS
and I love my db_no_data_found_exception-OCCUPATION WIFE
If you don't like it
MOVE

posted by cyclopticgaze at 7:12 AM on August 10 [66 favorites]


it's like da share z0ne but not self-aware
posted by RobotVoodooPower at 7:23 AM on August 10 [19 favorites]


I was born on
9/12/1967
In the town of
PASADENA
My mother's maiden name is
MACCORMACK
My first pet was named
SNUGGLES
I will PROTECT my FAMILY and their INFORMATION

posted by RobotVoodooPower at 7:35 AM on August 10 [93 favorites]


I've been wanting to buy these for people in my office, specific to their individual job titles.

MY SENSE OF HUMOR MAY HURT YOUR FEELINGS
BUT WHAT I DO CANNOT BE GIVEN
IT CANNOT BE BOUGHT
IT CAN ONLY BE EARNED
I AM
SENIOR SUPPLY CHAIN QUALITY ANALYST II
posted by spikeleemajortomdickandharryconnickjrmints at 7:38 AM on August 10 [35 favorites]


I remember my hostile-graphics period. I was very young. I didn’t feel anyone in the wider world was listening to me because I was a kid, which was largely true, and I wanted to associate myself with powerful or assertive images. It’s hard to imagine a truly decent adult with that level of sulkiness, but I can picture life circumstances that would lead to it.
posted by Countess Elena at 7:43 AM on August 10 [14 favorites]


I'm a Comcast Girl.

I'm imagining an alternate universe in which a re-recorded Tori Amos song was the lynchpin of their advertising efforts.
posted by Jon Mitchell at 7:45 AM on August 10 [11 favorites]


this might not be
POLITICALLY CORRECT
but i'm a
RECLUSIVE NOVELIST
who thinks that we should
FORM REVOLUTIONARY SYNDICATES
seize the
MEANS OF PRODUCTION
a
n
d

SMASH THE STATE
and if you don't like it
MOVE TO RUSSIA!
posted by Reclusive Novelist Thomas Pynchon at 7:48 AM on August 10 [20 favorites]


oh my god these are way too fun to write.
posted by Reclusive Novelist Thomas Pynchon at 7:49 AM on August 10 [3 favorites]


I'm imagining these perceived people out there who are angry that someone was born in November and loves their wife.
posted by RobotHero at 7:51 AM on August 10 [20 favorites]


The needs of the many
OUTWEIGH THE NEEDS OF THE FEW
or the one
LIVE LONG AND PROSPER
infinite diversity in infinite combinations
IF YOU DON’T LIKE IT
we’ll leave and never come back
posted by Automocar at 7:56 AM on August 10 [16 favorites]


I've been living adrift for the last seven years, searching for a place with no tilers who eat bacon and love their wives.

I just want to see my children again.
posted by YoloMortemPeccatoris at 7:59 AM on August 10 [21 favorites]


I'm imagining these perceived people out there who are angry that someone was born in November and loves their wife.

There is probably fair overlap between the market for these T-shirts and the Facebook users who post on their profile HAPPILY MARRIED NO FRIEND REQUESTS LADIES PLEASE!,, because they think the catfishers are coming for them personally.
posted by Countess Elena at 8:14 AM on August 10 [7 favorites]


I will buy all of your joke versions! (cyclopticgaze or entropicamericana get crackin!)

If you buy something from Teespring, they will serve you up a bunch of "I'm an MY STATE girl who wears my HEART on my sleeve" and "Problems? Call a VESPABELLE" on your order confirmation page. Thanks Teespring, a t-shirt with the outline of Oregon and a picture of an F-15 goes so well with my Everyday Antifacist stickers!
posted by vespabelle at 8:16 AM on August 10 [2 favorites]


The Countess’s Postulate: the degree to which somebody proclaims their intolerance of stupidity is inversely proportional to their own intelligence

Muttered remarks, fine. One snarky mug or something, fine. These T-shirts? Constant memes about it? Well—
posted by Countess Elena at 8:28 AM on August 10 [10 favorites]


I am not sure that I would want everyone to know that I googled "boobs" so often that "I like boobs" was one of the things that appeared on my algorithmically-designed t-shirt. But I am clearly not in touch with the psychology of the guys who wear these shirts.
posted by ArbitraryAndCapricious at 8:32 AM on August 10 [6 favorites]


WE LOOK for THINGS
THINGS that MAKE US GO
We are PAKLEDS
Our SHIP is the MONDOR
It is BROKEN
WE ARE FAR FROM HOME
WE NEED HELP
posted by entropicamericana at 8:36 AM on August 10 [24 favorites]


I'm sorry, SNOWFLAKE
But I'm a POET
And I EAT PLUMS

Even if you SAVE them
For BREAKFAST

I like 'em
SWEET and COLD
and if you don't like it,
FORGIVE ME
posted by Rock Steady at 8:48 AM on August 10 [84 favorites]


She packed my bags LAST NIGHT
PREFLIGHT
I’m a zero hour 9 am man
High as a MOTHERFUCKING KITE
I miss the Earth
I miss my wife
I’m ELTON JOHN
And if you don’t like it you can MOVE
posted by compartment at 9:03 AM on August 10 [23 favorites]


I am the
WAYWARD PLANE
that is my
IDENTITY
GENDER
and
POLITICAL AFFILIATION
I like
PEOPLE
who don't need to
HURT OTHER PEOPLE
in order to feel
BIG & STRONG
if you don't like it
SHUT UP
cuz you are
PRETTIER
when you are
QUIET

...I actually kinda want to have this shirt made, now.
posted by WaywardPlane at 9:06 AM on August 10 [9 favorites]


A little older, but this is my favorite:

Proud DAD of a
FREAKING AWESOME SON
He has a bat
He is psychic
He eats hamburgers
out of the trash
I never see him but I LOVE HIM
And I deposited $500
into his BANK ACCOUNT
Yes, he bought me this shirt
posted by Sangermaine at 9:21 AM on August 10 [11 favorites]


I met a traveller from an antique land
Who said: A vast torso in the desert on the sand
and stamped upon this these words appear:
My name is OZYMANDIAS
And I am KING OF KINGS
if you don't like it
LOOK UPON MY WORKS YE MIGHTY
and DESPAIR
posted by Comrade_robot at 9:34 AM on August 10 [35 favorites]


My name is OZYMANDIAS
♛ 𝕂𝕀ℕ𝔾 𝕆𝔽 𝕂𝕀ℕ𝔾𝕊 ♛
[half-sunk shattered visage]
I may look like a
ᴄᴏʟᴏssᴀʟ ᴡʀᴇᴄᴋ
but check out my
ναѕт αи∂ тяυикℓєѕѕ ℓєgѕ
and 𝕤𝕟𝕖𝕖𝕣 𝕠𝕗 𝕔𝕠𝕝𝕕 𝕔𝕠𝕞𝕞𝕒𝕟𝕕!
[lone and level sands]
☞ LOOK ON MY WORKS! ☜
𝒾𝒻 𝓎𝑜𝓊 𝒹𝑜𝓃'𝓉 𝓁𝒾𝓀𝑒 𝒾𝓉
DESPAIR

posted by oulipian at 9:34 AM on August 10 [105 favorites]


Though this one’s good too:

WHAT I DO
isn’t easy
isn’t safe
IT’S ME, IT’S THE WAY I AM
I Will Work My Hardest Through The
Blood, Sweat, and Tears
I WILL NOT QUIT
Even When The World Tells Me To Stop
It’s My Calling, My Way of Life
I’M A
SMOKER
Till I Die
posted by Sangermaine at 9:37 AM on August 10 [6 favorites]


Once the algorithm figures out how to send MY information to market a t-shirt to my redneck relatives one week before my birthday, then we’ll really be in trouble.

Brb, I gotta go meet with a venture capitalist and a screen printer...
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 9:39 AM on August 10 [1 favorite]


IM A JOKER
I’m a Smoker
im a midnight toker

{skeleton with joint fucking another skeleton}

I GET MY LOVIN ON THE RUN
IM A PICKER AND A GRINNER
a lover and a SINNER
I don’t want to knock the lights out of no one
But I will SNOWFLAKE!

posted by Slarty Bartfast at 9:44 AM on August 10 [7 favorites]


this is JUST TO SAY
I eat PLUMS
I open ICEBOXES

[grinning skeleton opening refrigerator]
I don't CARE
about YOUR BREAKFAST

[plum pits stacked high]
if you don't like it
FORGIVE ME
they were so SWEET
and so COLD
posted by egregious theorem at 10:08 AM on August 10 [11 favorites]


I'm not ON FACEBOOK
        because
     I DON'T CARE
[grinning skeleton face with one large and one small eye and tongue stuck out]
          and
 I like NOT MOVING
posted by Greg_Ace at 10:30 AM on August 10 [3 favorites]


I charge by VOLUME and not WEIGHT
THINGS become MORE EXPENSIVE ON THE DAY OF
SOMETIMES things get BROKEN
If you don't like it ... I mean I guess you'll have to rent a truck and ask your buddies if they'll help you move?
posted by Comrade_robot at 10:37 AM on August 10 [2 favorites]


In the NAME of the MOST HOLY and INDIVIDUAL Trinity:
Be it known to all, and EVERY ONE whom it may concern, or to whom in any manner it may belong,
*skeleton on a surfboard smoking a joint*
That for MANY YEARS past, Discords and CIVIL DIVISIONS being stir'd up
in the Roman Empire, which increas'd to such a degree, that not only all Germany,
but also the neighbouring KINGDOMS, and France particularly,
have been involv'd in the Disorders of a long and cruel WAR:
And in the first place, between the most Serene and most Puissant Prince and Lord,
Ferdinand the Second, of famous Memory, elected Roman Emperor, always August,
King of Germany, Hungary, Bohemia, Dalmatia, Croatia, Slavonia, Arch-Duke of Austria, Duke of Burgundy, Brabant, Styria,
Carinthia, Carniola, Marquiss of Moravia, Duke of Luxemburgh

posted by Aya Hirano on the Astral Plane at 10:43 AM on August 10 [15 favorites]


i think i might try to actually get the ozymandias one made. it's kind of super brilliant.
posted by Reclusive Novelist Thomas Pynchon at 11:10 AM on August 10 [12 favorites]


Oh my God, I want the Phone Dad one.

He WORKS TOO HARD
just like his
MOM
posted by biogeo at 11:38 AM on August 10


Okay, I'd been wondering where these weirdly specific shirts came from. I've never had one targetted at me. I feel left out.
posted by LindsayIrene at 1:05 PM on August 10


SOFTWARE TESTER
MY SENSE OF HUMOR MAY HURT YOUR FEELINGS
MY SENSE OF HUMOR MAY HELP YOUR FEELINGS
MY SENSE OF HUMOR MAY HAVE NO EFFECT ON YOUR FEELINGS
MY SENSE OF HUMOR MA-The exception unknown software exception (0x000dead) occurred in the application 0x0000000076EFDAEA8

IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT - MOVE
posted by spinifex23 at 2:01 PM on August 10 [10 favorites]


I am the very MODEL
of a modern major GENERAL
if you don't like it
SIT A GEE

posted by RobotVoodooPower at 2:15 PM on August 10 [16 favorites]


I AM A SNOWFLAKE
i respect everyone’s
PRONOUNS
and
ACCOMMODATE THEIR FOOD AND FRAGRANCE RESTRICTIONS
I wear
SWEATERS AND
collect vintage sarah records lps
I COMPLAIN
when there’s
NO ASL TRANSLATOR
at my
SOCIALIST CONVENTION
and if you don’t like it you can
TASTE MY BOOT LEATHER
or
GET THE HELL OUT OF MY COUNTRY
posted by Reclusive Novelist Thomas Pynchon at 2:20 PM on August 10 [37 favorites]


I have acquired a couple dozen message-printed shirts in the last dozen years, from four sources: woot.com (the deal-a-day shopping site that expanded like crazy before being acquired by Amazon), topatoco (the merchandise maker for most of the GOOD webcomics - and MetaFilter), Neatoshop (commerce division of Neatorama, the BoingBoing for normal people) and the bargain basement of 6 Dollar Shirts (which, sadly, for sizes over XL is 8-to-9 Dollar Shirts). And I have never been approached by anybody for over-personalized shirts, accurate or inaccurate.

But if I could have something to really represent my mind, it'd have to be a part of a script of a Bullwinkle cartoon, a Weird Al song, a George Carlin monologue, or this:

ALL REAL SNOWFLAKES
ARE WHITE, TINY,
AND WILL NEVER SURVIVE A FEW MORE YEARS
OF GLOBAL WARMING.
AND IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT,
GO BACK WHERE YOU CAME FROM...
1930s GERMANY.
posted by oneswellfoop at 4:56 PM on August 10 [5 favorites]


I am a CRM ADMINISTRATOR
I live on COFFEE and PEANUT M&Ms
I double dare you motherfucker…
SAY “CRM SUCKS” ONE MORE GODDAMN TIME like I don’t fucking know
If you don’t like it
.
.
.
your call is important, please leave a message at the tone
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 5:47 PM on August 10 [8 favorites]


I am reminded of this Nier Automata parody of a meme shirt:

Born to DIE
World is a FUCK
Kill 'em All 11945
I am trash YoRHa
410,757,864,530 DEAD MACHINES

Makes more sense than a laundry list assembled by if-then statements.
posted by fifteen schnitzengruben is my limit at 9:25 PM on August 10 [2 favorites]


Reclusive Novelist Thomas Pynchon, Zarkonnen and I would be in the market for the Ozymandias one if you got it made.
posted by daisyk at 1:26 AM on August 11 [3 favorites]


These are basically a self-identifiedly Angry Guy version of the “In this house we do Disney” wall decal.
posted by acb at 4:01 AM on August 11 [6 favorites]


Wow. Who knew the convergence would mean peak ideologically-driven t-shit design with skulls? Kurtzweil missed the mark.
posted by hilberseimer at 10:14 AM on August 11


oulipian: would you object to me getting your ozymandias comment made into a real shirt? I'm thinking of an even-lower-res version of this as the image for it...
posted by Reclusive Novelist Thomas Pynchon at 11:42 AM on August 11 [1 favorite]


I AM A GOTH GIRL
I LIKE SKULLS
AND USE THEM TO DECORATE
IF YOU DON'T STOP BOTHERING ME
I WILL ADD YOURS TO MY COLLECTION
EVERYONE THINKS THEY'RE FAKE
WHICH MEANS I WILL NEVER BE CAUGHT
YOU SHOULD GO NOW.
posted by bile and syntax at 12:34 PM on August 11 [6 favorites]


Thanks Teespring, a t-shirt with the outline of Oregon and a picture of an F-15 goes so well with my Everyday Antifacist stickers!

Ok, this has been going on for too long and I need answers: why does Oregon rock "state outline pride" harder than anyone other than, like, Texas? In what universe is that "slightly irregular rectangle" iconic?
posted by Navelgazer at 12:54 PM on August 11 [1 favorite]


ime all the west coast states have state outline pride. i think it's because they're so big. and well they all have pretty recognizable outlines — oregon may just be an irregular rectangle, but the part of the border that's defined by the columbia river makes it a distinctive irregular rectangle.
posted by Reclusive Novelist Thomas Pynchon at 12:57 PM on August 11 [2 favorites]


Colorado and Wyoming: *pout*
posted by Greg_Ace at 1:27 PM on August 11 [2 favorites]


I am from Michigan. I know more about state outline pride than you could ever imagine.
posted by the thorn bushes have roses at 1:33 PM on August 11 [11 favorites]


We WANTS the PRECIOUS
They STOLE IT from US
TRICKSY HOBBITSES
[pixellated fish]
NO not MASTER
Master's my FRIEND
[giant flamey eye]
You don't HAVE any FRIENDS
NOBODY likes YOU
[weirdly distorted Nazgûl]
MASTER looks after us NOW
We don't need YOU
LEAVE NOW AND NEVER COME BACK
posted by Pallas Athena at 6:15 PM on August 11 [14 favorites]


Pennsylvania is a lumpy brick.
posted by Peach at 7:03 PM on August 11


Sorry y'all but Texas state outline pride beats all the rest, mostly because we have real state pride too. hahaha
posted by LizBoBiz at 5:12 AM on August 12


I would also buy an Ozy T take my money
posted by angrycat at 5:35 AM on August 12


MeFi favorite Lucy Knisley has picked up on this.
posted by dlugoczaj at 6:34 AM on August 12 [2 favorites]


Ok, this has been going on for too long and I need answers: why does Oregon rock "state outline pride" harder than anyone other than, like, Texas? In what universe is that "slightly irregular rectangle" iconic

There's an Oregonian story from several years ago about the stickers, but it appears to be a victim of linkrot. All I can find is this teaser. It is a very popular design motif, discussed in Portland Orbit.

I much prefer the outline-with-green-heart over the "Oregon Native Since YYYY" stickers I used to see everywhere. Sarah Innarone tweeted this essay about civic pride verging on nationalism the other day and it's interesting. Oregon has a long history of "Welcome to Oregon, now go home." But its roots are troublesome indeed.
posted by fifteen schnitzengruben is my limit at 9:59 AM on August 12 [4 favorites]




CARRY ON
my wayward son
THERE'LL BE
PEACE
when you are
DONE
lay your weary
flaming skull.jpeg
to REST
DON'T LIKE IT NO MORE?
CRY

posted by Eideteker at 3:39 PM on August 12 [6 favorites]


I'm not 𝕆ℕ
FACEBOOK
proudly
and I'll tell you
EVERY CHANCE I
𝓰ℯ𝓉
and yet
SOMEHOW
the algorithm knows me
and HOW MUCH I LOVE
𝓜𝓨 𝓦𝓘𝓕𝓔
this tshirt just
𝕾𝕳𝕺𝖂𝕰𝕯 𝖀𝕻
one day
ʇ,uop noʎ ɟᴉ
LIKE IT
you're
ℕ 𝕆 𝕋   𝔸 𝕃 𝕆 ℕ 𝔼

posted by Eideteker at 4:05 PM on August 12 [4 favorites]


now SOMETHING must be done
about vengeance, LESS FREQUENT BIN COLLECTIONS and a gun
cause I'll
  • rip [mikeread.jpg]
  • rip [the_stage_cover.gif]
  • rip [brandysnifter.svg]
I was born to ENDORSE SATURDAY NIGHT DANCING PROGRAMMES

All of which are GREAT BRITAIN dreams
All of which are GREAT BRITAIN dreams
ALOT of which are American D:REAM

posted by I'm always feeling, Blue at 5:47 PM on August 12


oulipian: would you object to me getting your ozymandias comment made into a real shirt? I'm thinking of an even-lower-res version of this as the image for it...

Haha, yes! I would love to see Ozymandias as a shirt. That image is perfect!
posted by oulipian at 8:50 PM on August 12 [1 favorite]


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