Back At It Again...This Time in Canada
August 23, 2019 9:12 AM   Subscribe

Someone in Oxford County, ON has made off with $187,000 worth of cheese, after they used forged documents to steal the shipment.

While the names of the victims, and types of cheeses, have not yet been reported, OPP has asked for more information regarding this egregious assault on dairy products. I, for one, will be following this case closely.

Does anyone know if Wordshore's friend has visited Canada lately?
posted by RhysPenbras (45 comments total) 12 users marked this as a favorite
 
Ah, le fromage de domage! (I know that's not quite right, but I've been waiting 50 years to say that in an appropriate context, and I think this is the closest I'll get).
posted by ubiquity at 9:18 AM on August 23, 2019 [13 favorites]


Imagine how much time they spent casein the joint, making their plans.
posted by notoriety public at 9:19 AM on August 23, 2019 [16 favorites]


I feel like it's important to link this post to the "imaginary crimes my 9-year-old could commit at school" AskMe.
posted by daisystomper at 9:20 AM on August 23, 2019 [18 favorites]


also: heist movie with Brie Larson and Jeremy Rennet.
posted by daisystomper at 9:22 AM on August 23, 2019 [37 favorites]


Something about the formality of "Cheese is seen in this undated file photo" made me giggle.
posted by jedicus at 9:23 AM on August 23, 2019 [22 favorites]


The local OPP officer said there is zero dairy intolerance for this kind of crime.
posted by srboisvert at 9:25 AM on August 23, 2019 [4 favorites]


Probably all stashed in Swiss accounts by now.
posted by Holy Zarquon's Singing Fish at 9:25 AM on August 23, 2019 [12 favorites]


They got milked for $187,000? That's some serious cheddar.
posted by allegedly at 9:29 AM on August 23, 2019 [4 favorites]


Hope they put him awhey.
posted by saturday_morning at 9:30 AM on August 23, 2019 [3 favorites]


Guessing the culprit feels gouda 'bout it
posted by rather be jorting at 9:33 AM on August 23, 2019 [1 favorite]


In the early days of international competitive hockey, the Canadian team was so dominant that it was considered deeply unfair to make any team play against Canada for anything less than the gold, to the point where occasionally, whatever team represented Canada was given a bye to the finals.

A century later, this is the way it is in the less-well-recognized World Food Heist Championships.

Sure; sometimes there are other competitors out there who put on a decent showing, but when it gets right down to it, Canada owns this game.
posted by mhoye at 9:36 AM on August 23, 2019 [5 favorites]


More details from CBC:
OPP Const. Ed Sanchuk said thieves could attempt to sell cheese online or through stores.

He noted $187,000 worth of cheese "is quite a large amount of cheese to get rid of." He did not know what kind of cheese was taken.

"Businesses in the area or the surrounding area or maybe across the province, if you're being approached by unknown individuals attempting to sell you large quantities of cheese, please do me a favour, please have the courage to pick up the phone and contact us," Sanchuk said.
posted by rather be jorting at 9:37 AM on August 23, 2019 [6 favorites]


Edamn, that's a lot of cheese! I guess the rightful owners were confronted with a feta compli...
posted by Too-Ticky at 9:38 AM on August 23, 2019 [6 favorites]


And I thought the speculative shoe market was crazy
posted by gc at 9:40 AM on August 23, 2019


The police havarti put together a list of suspects.
posted by dephlogisticated at 9:40 AM on August 23, 2019 [9 favorites]


CHEESE RUSTLING
posted by Jon_Evil at 9:41 AM on August 23, 2019 [7 favorites]


godspeed you farty thieves
posted by poffin boffin at 9:42 AM on August 23, 2019 [7 favorites]


CHEESE RUSTLING

It's a lot more efficient that rustling the cattle, and then having them make the cheese.
posted by ubiquity at 9:42 AM on August 23, 2019 [8 favorites]


The Canadian Cheddar Years (about 7) are among the very fondest of My Life in 10 Cheeses, so I would be highly tempted if some illicit Cheddar were to show up in a black market accessible to me.
posted by jamjam at 9:50 AM on August 23, 2019 [2 favorites]


Forged documents, sure. But they also spent a week casein the joint.
posted by emelenjr at 9:54 AM on August 23, 2019 [4 favorites]


Speaking purely for myself, I can totally understand the urge to abscond with many tons of cheese. The only reason I haven't is because a) I'd explode if I had that much cheese to eat, and b) my family would suffer when I inevitably got caught and sent to prison.

But I get it. God I get it. I want so much to make a swimming pool full of fondue, and a gazillion cheese and BBQ sandwiches to dip in it.

I mean, as long as they were stealing it for themselves and from a motive of gluttony I get it. If this was just to sell it to someone else then I don't understand at all.
posted by sotonohito at 10:12 AM on August 23, 2019 [7 favorites]


Enough with the cheesy puns.
posted by Meatbomb at 10:20 AM on August 23, 2019 [1 favorite]


Is there a word or phrase for this kind of heist, where the result of success is that now you've got a lot of money's worth of something that's gonna be nearly impossible to actually sell?
posted by tocts at 10:27 AM on August 23, 2019 [2 favorites]


A couple years back, an Ontario cop got grilled in connection with an international cheese-smuggling operation. And another guy just got caught in May smuggling cheese through the Thousand Islands crossing. Ontario is a real hotbed of cheese smuggling.
posted by Mary Ellen Carter at 10:31 AM on August 23, 2019 [8 favorites]


"Enough with the cheesy puns."

Are they cheesing you off? No need to be Bleu.
posted by RhysPenbras at 10:34 AM on August 23, 2019 [2 favorites]


an Ontario cop got grilled in connection with an international cheese-smuggling operation

Wait, the cop got grilled? Were they really, really confused?
posted by ubiquity at 10:42 AM on August 23, 2019 [9 favorites]


"... is quite a large amount of cheese to get rid of."
First, be smart from the very beginning ...
posted by RobotHero at 10:47 AM on August 23, 2019 [10 favorites]


Maple syrup, cheese, what's next? Gravy tanker hijacking?
posted by wellred at 10:58 AM on August 23, 2019 [3 favorites]


I kind of wish they got a-whey with it.
posted by briank at 11:16 AM on August 23, 2019 [5 favorites]


Ontario is a real hotbed of cheese

There was also a theft of $6200 worth of cheese in the same general area in 2017 (technically this new one was from the Saputo dairy plant in Tavistock rather than a small store in the case of the 2017 one). That area, Oxford County, has a lot of dairy producers and I can think of worst ways to spend a Saturday then following the Oxford County cheese trail.

According to this article, Canadians are increasingly are turning to cheese thievery because of "import restrictions and the rising cost of dairy products".
posted by Ashwagandha at 11:18 AM on August 23, 2019 [3 favorites]


Some thief is sure poutine on the Ritz tonight!
posted by Halloween Jack at 11:37 AM on August 23, 2019 [8 favorites]


About a week ago, some page or something on Social Media told me a fun fact, who knows if it's true, that cheese is the most shoplifted item.

I am choosing to imagine that others felt inspiration similar to but far greater than mine, and a la the aerial tramway emoji wars, decided to attempt to lean heavily upon the statistical scales. The timing concerns me not.
posted by Acid Communist at 11:47 AM on August 23, 2019


Is there a word or phrase for this kind of heist, where the result of success is that now you've got a lot of money's worth of something that's gonna be nearly impossible to actually sell?

There are plenty of stores in Ontario that aren’t too particular about the source of their goods, if the price is right. Some stores with the word ‘dollar’ in their name, and some others.
posted by rodlymight at 12:09 PM on August 23, 2019 [1 favorite]


Yeah a heist of this size wouldn't be a spur of the moment kind of thing. I'd guess whoever stole this stuff had a venue for it.
posted by Ashwagandha at 12:21 PM on August 23, 2019


godspeed you farty thieves

I find your proposed flatulence-themed GY!BE/Thievery Corporation collaboration implausible.
posted by mhoye at 12:31 PM on August 23, 2019


With such a dairy-ng escape, they'll have to make a fetaral case out of it.
posted by Orange Dinosaur Slide at 1:01 PM on August 23, 2019


"Cheese is seen in this undated file photo."
posted by Naberius at 1:13 PM on August 23, 2019 [3 favorites]


OPP Const. Ed Sanchuk said thieves could attempt to sell cheese online or through stores.
He noted $187,000 worth of cheese "is quite a large amount of cheese to get rid of." He did not know what kind of cheese was taken.
"Businesses in the area or the surrounding area or maybe across the province, if you're being approached by unknown individuals attempting to sell you
large quantities of cheese, please do me a favour, please have the courage to pick up the phone and contact us," Sanchuk said.
I will do no such thing.
posted by Ephelump Jockey at 2:53 PM on August 23, 2019 [9 favorites]


> Wait, the cop got grilled? Were they really, really confused?

Nope! The cheesy comestible smuggling was coming from inside the regional police service:

The smugglers — one current and one former police officer, and one civilian — reportedly sought out pizza restaurants to move their merchandise. News emerged this week that charges would soon be announced against what Mark called a "mozzarella mafia".
posted by rather be jorting at 4:32 PM on August 23, 2019 [2 favorites]


Were the investigating officers patriotic on discovering the theft, singing “Oka Nada”?
posted by scruss at 5:35 PM on August 23, 2019 [1 favorite]


Have the police released a description of the limburglar?
posted by nestor_makhno at 7:25 PM on August 23, 2019 [3 favorites]


Oxford County is cheese country! I learned this at the Cheese Museum.
posted by jb at 9:08 PM on August 23, 2019 [1 favorite]


He noted $187,000 worth of cheese "is quite a large amount of cheese to get rid of."

Well, not if they have a friend with access to Metafilter...
posted by okayokayigive at 4:51 AM on August 24, 2019 [3 favorites]


have Wallace and Gromit been queso-tioned?
posted by theora55 at 12:04 PM on August 24, 2019 [1 favorite]


>also: heist movie with Brie Larson and Jeremy Rennet.

Starring in: Brie Larceny.
posted by Marticus at 5:28 PM on August 25, 2019 [1 favorite]


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