I Didn't Count On This Package Deal
August 23, 2019 9:53 AM   Subscribe

 
"I don't know how you guys walk around with those things."
-Elaine Benes
posted by soren_lorensen at 10:01 AM on August 23 [17 favorites]


Aaaand this is the very first moment in history when I realized that people look at my trousers. I'm wearing tight trousers right now. Everyone's been looking at my trousers. I need to go check the rest of the house for rock & roll photographers.
posted by Sterros at 10:04 AM on August 23 [11 favorites]


Not sure why I expected anything in that link other than what I got. But here we are.
posted by billjings at 10:04 AM on August 23 [15 favorites]


Opening this link with Chrome for Android, I get force ejected to some ad page telling me I am a lucky Google user who won a WalMart gift card.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 10:12 AM on August 23 [6 favorites]


Yes, I get that annoying pop-up, too. Which seems appropriate.
posted by TedW at 10:14 AM on August 23 [7 favorites]


I couldn’t get past the first few entries, but I hope Derek Smalls was included.
posted by TedW at 10:19 AM on August 23 [6 favorites]


I wanna know what love is
I want you to show me
posted by Meatbomb at 10:22 AM on August 23 [7 favorites]


When I was 21 I went to gym and when I got there I realized I had packed my roommate's medium shorts, instead of my identical shorts in size L. Since I was already there, I said "fuck it" and just squeezed into them and went to do my workout.

I was doing sit-ups or something when a middle-aged women came over and said "I can appreciate the package, but lets work on the advertising".

After that I double checked to make sure my shorts were the correct size heh.
posted by sideshow at 10:22 AM on August 23 [28 favorites]


Hmmm...

Bon Scott appears to be a glaring omission on this list.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 10:26 AM on August 23 [2 favorites]


David Bowie and his Package was my doom metal band name back in the 90s.
posted by loquacious at 10:38 AM on August 23 [6 favorites]


I wanna know what love is
I want you to show me
posted by Meatbomb


Eponysterical
posted by tclark at 10:40 AM on August 23 [17 favorites]


Why is it trousers essentially deny the existence of male genitalia? I’m not asking for codpieces, but...
posted by Segundus at 10:49 AM on August 23 [3 favorites]


Came for the cucumber joke, left happy. (No, that's just a banana in my pocket)
posted by Greg_Ace at 10:49 AM on August 23 [1 favorite]


"Ringo's got a hog" is not the thing I expected to learn today and yet here we are.
posted by bondcliff at 10:51 AM on August 23 [21 favorites]


The Elvis one is a little weird, no?
posted by outfielder at 10:53 AM on August 23 [6 favorites]


One assumes that the "a grower not a shower" segment of the rock n' roll population dresses in less constricting trousers on a day to day basis.
posted by jscalzi at 10:54 AM on August 23 [12 favorites]


I personally appreciate equal space being given to both growers and showers. No reason.
posted by es_de_bah at 10:54 AM on August 23 [4 favorites]


Glad to note that the Areaology page still exists. Also, I'd have upvoted this post just for the "Sherry Darling" reference.
posted by Halloween Jack at 11:01 AM on August 23 [3 favorites]


can't believe they shoehorned ABBA in there

For more wholesome takes on Bowie, Bolan, Zappa, Lennon, Harrison, Mercury, and Rod Stewart, the site also hosts Awkward Vintage Photos Of Celebrities Posing With Their Beloved Cats

(bonus: Vincent Price!)
(Also, p. sure that Clooney snap is a still from 1996's One Fine Day)
posted by Iris Gambol at 11:11 AM on August 23 [12 favorites]


the variety of, uh, directions is actually wierdly helpful, as a transmasc dude who's been thinking about maybe doing the packing thing but who finds the stowage of dangly bits extremely baffling
posted by The demon that lives in the air at 11:12 AM on August 23 [21 favorites]


Yeah, supposedly a good bespoke tailor will ask you which side you dress on. (I guess that a really good one just knows.)
posted by Halloween Jack at 11:39 AM on August 23 [3 favorites]


the variety of, uh, directions is actually wierdly helpful, as a transmasc dude who's been thinking about maybe doing the packing thing but who finds the stowage of dangly bits extremely baffling

Welcome to being a dude, dude! It's been baffling dudes since the confusing, murky dawn of external testicles. Granted I might not count because it's extra baffling to me but I can safely tell you that you're not alone.

It gets awkwardly in the way way too often. You have to be mindful about things like crossing your legs, or moving too fast through a cluttered room. Riding a crowded bus can be a form of really awkward but advanced yoga, and then there's the ass or crotch question when getting out of a crowded row of seats on a bus or plane. High energy toddlers are terrifying because they have a bad habit of, say, running full speed into your legs and crotch areas and their tiny fists are just the right size to punch you in the junk, or jump into your seated lap from the back of the couch. I swear this happens at least once every time I hang out with a friend with a toddler and I swear the little monsters do it on purpose, but if you react they think it's funny so all you can do is go "oooof" and try to not react too much.

I've even accidentally kicked myself in the tackle with the heel of my foot just dancing and horsing around. It was agony and it left me rolling on the floor in sweaty agony.

Dongers are so awkward that if we didn't live in this patriarchal nightmare hellscape where men built their entire identities and judged themselves and each other by these stupid packages - and, well, biological hormonal or reproductive reasons, of course - we might live instead in a world where getting an orchi to get your nuts removed might be seen as mundane and commonplace as a personal choice as, say, breast reductions just so that life was less of a pain in the, err, crotch. (This option would likely be really popular with professional cyclists and wrestlers.)

Anyway, on the upside on a good day you can hang your towel on it.

Boobs are worse, though. Stupid doorways.
posted by loquacious at 11:42 AM on August 23 [23 favorites]


Is our man Gibb just completely giving himself over to symmetry?

That does not look comfortable.
posted by elkevelvet at 11:50 AM on August 23 [2 favorites]


mandolin conspiracy: Bon Scott appears to be a glaring omission on this list.

Bon Scott was rumored to stuff a roll of quarters down his pants when performing. He said the ladies loved it. You might say he was on PEDs: Penis Enhancing Dollars.
posted by clawsoon at 11:57 AM on August 23 [3 favorites]


Laughed at the title and premise of TFL.
Laughed at the comments.
Still looking for a way to unsee those photos.
posted by The Ardship of Cambry at 11:58 AM on August 23 [3 favorites]


Jon Hamm could hang with these dudes.
posted by rikschell at 11:59 AM on August 23 [3 favorites]


loquacious: High energy toddlers are terrifying because they have a bad habit of, say, running full speed into your legs and crotch areas and their tiny fists are just the right size to punch you in the junk, or jump into your seated lap from the back of the couch.

After experiencing this as the father of a toddler, I came to the half-baked conclusion that it's an evolutionary adaptation. Your kids are trying to stop you from have more kids so that they can monopolize your attention and resources. A good ol' knee to the balls might not always work, but it's worth an evolutionary try.

N.B.: Ideas in previous paragraph are probably incorrect.
posted by clawsoon at 12:00 PM on August 23 [7 favorites]


supposedly a good bespoke tailor will ask you which side you dress on.

I don't understand this since I've always just sort of retracted like a turtle's head.

Have a great weekend everybody!
posted by bondcliff at 12:08 PM on August 23 [21 favorites]


David Essex's pants leg cuffs (leg holes - I don't know what they are called) are 3X his waist.

Mark Bolan is all like "I"m the most interesting dresser on this rockstar list" and then Ronnie Wood says "Hold my beer I need my hands to stick this flag in my pants" and totally shows him up.

I don't understand what kind of pants Elvis is wearing there that do that - I think they must have invented a time machine to travel into the future to The Gap and then made a pair of pants from women's shirts.

Tom Jones is a lower level thug in a '70s crime tv show.
posted by The_Vegetables at 12:18 PM on August 23 [3 favorites]


I've always liked that picture of Rod, and, uh, rod.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 12:33 PM on August 23 [3 favorites]


It was the 70s and underwear hadn't been invented yet.

Looking back I think (straight) people just agreed not to notice, like in USA public toilets everybody agrees they can't see you pooping through the gaps in the door. I don't remember noticing and ALL the boys wore those trousers.

But I was fresh out of convent school and maybe I didn't know what I was looking at?
posted by glasseyes at 12:49 PM on August 23 [3 favorites]


I'm not grossed out by the outline of someone's package, but it just looks so ... uncomfortable. Why did we put a seam right there.

Sometimes I think we've got who wears skirts and who wears pants all backwards*, except for the Scottish.
posted by Kutsuwamushi at 12:51 PM on August 23 [21 favorites]


I recall a Circus Magazine (so '70s) review of Led Zep's "Song Remains the Same Movie" which described the second half of that movie as a documentary of "Robert Plant's cock". I was recently mildly disturbed to see some of this (but not quite 'all') in a Khruangbin video...I started coming up with excuses (maybe this just happens some times to performers!).
posted by not_that_epiphanius at 1:51 PM on August 23


Some overlap, but here are more classic packages.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 2:06 PM on August 23 [1 favorite]


This spunks joy
posted by fluttering hellfire at 2:23 PM on August 23 [6 favorites]


Ctrl-F "armadillo"
Surprised to find no matches..
posted by Nerd of the North at 2:36 PM on August 23 [2 favorites]


I'm not grossed out by the outline of someone's package, but it just looks so ... uncomfortable. Why did we put a seam right there.

Yeah, I look at it and go "oh, no, no, you could wear looser pants, that looks like it's even more uncomfortable than camel toe!" It doesn't look so bad on some of the stretchier, thinner fabrics, but a bunch of them make me cross my legs in sympathy discomfort.
posted by sciatrix at 3:28 PM on August 23 [3 favorites]


Metafilter: their tiny fists are just the right size to punch you in the junk.
posted by CynicalKnight at 3:40 PM on August 23 [8 favorites]


Bit disappointed that this short-arm parade of religion-revealing strides and rock banana hammocks did not include Eno, who was of this renown in the 70s, nor mention of Cynthia Plaster-Caster's legendary shattered Penis de Milo of Hendrix' own not so Little Wing.
posted by Devonian at 3:40 PM on August 23 [2 favorites]


Bon Scott was rumored to stuff a roll of quarters down his pants when performing.

With all due sympathy to Bon Scott... are Australian quarters larger than North American quarters?

As for which direction, experience dictates:

Loose --> Whichever.
Comfortable --> Left.
Uncomfortably tight --> Up (the late 80s were a dark time to be in junior high)
Cycling kit --> Down (let's just spare everyone some discomfort...)
posted by klanawa at 3:49 PM on August 23


Oz has 20 cent coins, not quarters
posted by brujita at 4:16 PM on August 23


Re: toddler tiny fists, AskMe has addressed this.
posted by blnkfrnk at 5:10 PM on August 23 [2 favorites]


And here I thought the fists were a reference to a baby's hand holding an apple.

As an awkward fearful gay boy I never ever understood whether it was OK to show any hint of the outline of your genitals in pants. I mean obviously in these photos the men are unconcerned, but perhaps the rules are different for rock stars. Like is this sort of display considered entirely vulgar? Sort of enticing? Just an accident we pretend didn't happen?

Women's anatomy is very much on display in ordinary clothing; a whole world of various bosom-enhancing outfits, the recent trend to yoga pants. Men are mostly an afterthought unless you go to fetishware mostly designed for the gay customer base. Is this all carefully negotiated and proscribed in American culture somehow?

(While I'm here, my very favorite arty photo of a clothed package).
posted by Nelson at 5:16 PM on August 23 [5 favorites]


Surprised at the lack of Huey Lewis. Must've been a wide angle lens shortage in the mid-80s.
posted by joseph_elmhurst at 7:34 PM on August 23


Aren't there a few of Dwight Yoakam in his youth floating around somewhere? He wore tight jeans rather a lot and wasn't hiding anything. Oh, wait he's country, so he doesn't count, I guess.

Meanwhile, here's a couple of guys who aren't quite rock either, but they worked for Little Richard in one of his subsidiary bands with Jimi, and... well... you'll just have to see for yourselves.
posted by droplet at 7:43 PM on August 23 [4 favorites]


"I don't know how you guys walk around with those things."
-Elaine Benes

On a related note, I was watching my friend's kids run around naked again tonight and the littlest one (around age 2) was squatting so low on the ground that parts had to be brushing the ground and I was all, doesn't that feel...not great on the cock and balls? I can't imagine getting genitals that low on the ground comfortably.
posted by jenfullmoon at 1:06 AM on August 24


Very happy to see the Rutles reference in the very first paragraph of the linked article. It would not have been valid otherwise.
posted by I_Love_Bananas at 4:57 AM on August 24 [1 favorite]


Why are they collectively so unattractive? Puzzles me. The Lizard King remains the hottest.

Junk: Oversized dangley ornaments are problematic, especially attached low. Ouch. One false move and I get to walk around feeling I got punched, for days.
posted by Goofyy at 5:08 AM on August 24


The first I became aware of this mode of dress was in '76 when I was taking a puppy training class at the local humane society with my Guide Dog puppy. A gentleman came to the class with his gorgeous red doberman. He (the owner) wore full on disco style clothes in bright green or red, etc. featuring tight, tight, tight satin bell bottom pants that left nothing to the imagination--he dressed to the left. A matching satin shirt open to the waist and sky-high platform boots. I was 17 and he was a revelation! To say the least. I was fascinated, embarrassed, turned-on, etc. I think that was the genesis of my attraction to men of color (both in dress and skin tone).
posted by agatha_magatha at 9:02 AM on August 24 [1 favorite]


This is reminding me of seeing the Sticky Fingers album cover for the first time, which was surprisingly recently. I asked mr bee (who was a teenager at the time) “Like was that the actual cover? Like just...in the shops like that??” He said “yeah but it was a time of tight trousers, you just probably saw everyone's cocks all the time but it never registered. I’m sure mine was out as well.” My mind was blown (insert...never mind)

It’s also making me think of Eddie Jordan the F1 ex-team boss (and wannabe rock star, bless him) and of the day when he turned up to track commentary wearing a pair of trousers in which he had clearly smuggled an armadillo (hi Nerd of the North!) It was quite astonishing and Twitter had much fun, and at a certain point in the coverage the BBC producer must have advised the camera person to stick to above-the-waist shots only. But the damage was done and we could not unsee it.
posted by billiebee at 9:12 AM on August 24 [1 favorite]


Why is it trousers essentially deny the existence of male genitalia? I’m not asking for codpieces, but...


True, their should be a leg bit on each side and a genital section in the middle, but all one garment.
Why has nobody tried designing trousers like that? I'm curious what it would look like.

That's basically what we had in the middle ages, right, but it was 3 separate garments then, (left trouser, right trouser & codpiece), why trousers are called a pair to this day.

Also, trousers don't really acknowledge the existence of knees in their design.
posted by w0mbat at 10:57 AM on August 24


w0mbat it may (or may not) please you to know that MC Hammer pants for men are having a moment.
posted by billiebee at 11:44 AM on August 24


Why has nobody tried designing trousers like that? I'm curious what it would look like.

Well...
posted by jessamyn at 11:50 AM on August 24 [6 favorites]


And it's not as if the rock codpiece (in this case, perhaps the Funk Junk Trunk) isn't known...
posted by Devonian at 1:35 PM on August 24


We've got armadillos in our trousers. It's really quite frightening.
posted by kirkaracha at 5:52 PM on August 24


This is also something I did not really need to see, but having seen it:
1) interesting that the Beatles displayed here ALL have huge junk, they win hands down
2) I can only assume Paul has a small one, as he is not included here
3) I would imagine that the growers probably were not so into the tight pants, so hats off to Rod Stewart for his no shame contribution here
posted by Meatbomb at 6:13 PM on August 24 [1 favorite]


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