Sweatily working hard on his balls
August 29, 2019 4:05 PM   Subscribe

[CW: frighteningly massive erect cock] While the country and government fall apart, people in rural England are keeping themselves occupied by lovingly cleaning the shaft and balls of a 36 foot - or 432 inches - erect penis, using a lot of chalk dust. This happens once every ten years, though climate change may require more frequent penis attention. The completely naked man also has noticeable abs, large nipples, and a 120 foot club. The carefully planned hand job, involving a team of volunteers, is expected to take two weeks to reach a satisfactory conclusion.
posted by Wordshore (51 comments total) 45 users marked this as a favorite


 
Literally, a good post.
posted by Fizz at 4:12 PM on August 29, 2019 [26 favorites]


Penis
posted by growabrain at 4:16 PM on August 29, 2019 [8 favorites]


BOTW indeed.
posted by allkindsoftime at 4:17 PM on August 29, 2019 [1 favorite]


I thought Penis Month wasn't until September.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 4:17 PM on August 29, 2019 [9 favorites]


EPIC MOTHERFUCKING ROCK N’ ROLL
posted by a box and a stick and a string and a bear at 4:20 PM on August 29, 2019 [2 favorites]


Dammit I like this. Ditch the nuclear warheads, go back to giant community chalk paintings to get you phallic fix.
posted by The Toad at 4:21 PM on August 29, 2019 [9 favorites]


(The only thing that would make this better would be metric measurements)
posted by The Toad at 4:22 PM on August 29, 2019 [3 favorites]


> The figure is now looked after by the National Trust, which is always looking for new members

O_o
posted by Ogre Lawless at 4:28 PM on August 29, 2019 [53 favorites]


Photo caption from the story in the first link:

A man scrubs vigorously on the giant figure that is believed to have been there since the 17th century.

No comment.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 4:39 PM on August 29, 2019 [3 favorites]


So satisfying to see attention paid like this to the hard edges. In these difficult times projects like this are a real relief
posted by Fiasco da Gama at 4:40 PM on August 29, 2019 [4 favorites]


posted by Fiasco da Gama So satisfying to see attention paid like this to the hard edges. In these difficult times projects like this are a real relief

Aye, there's the rub. Let's hope the story has a happy ending.
posted by mattdidthat at 4:43 PM on August 29, 2019 [8 favorites]


If I never hear the phrase “gentle polish and tickle” again I will die happy.
posted by eirias at 4:47 PM on August 29, 2019 [6 favorites]


I thought Penis Month wasn't until September.

Came too soon.
posted by Thorzdad at 4:47 PM on August 29, 2019 [27 favorites]


Guardian caption:

The restoration work is fuelled by tea and cake.

I'll bet it is.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 5:02 PM on August 29, 2019 [7 favorites]


absolute unit
posted by Ahmad Khani at 5:04 PM on August 29, 2019 [20 favorites]


This looks like astroturfing for the Midsommar director’s cut.
posted by pxe2000 at 5:07 PM on August 29, 2019 [4 favorites]


giant figure that is believed to have been there since the 17th century.

If it lasts longer than four centuries, call your doctor.
posted by Joey Buttafoucault at 5:11 PM on August 29, 2019 [49 favorites]


OMG! Two consecutive captions from the first link:

"A man brings a deposit of the white stuff ready to spruce up the giant"
"Ready to unload his sack, he is one of many volunteers working on the giant"

I mean. No more comment needed. A-plus captioning.
posted by maupuia at 5:16 PM on August 29, 2019 [36 favorites]


This looks like astroturfing for the Midsommar director’s cut.

I also would have accepted, "This seems like a missed opportunity for 'Midsommar'"
posted by NoMich at 5:28 PM on August 29, 2019 [4 favorites]


>>1 posts tagged with 432InchesOfCock.

Here's to many, many more in the future.
posted by rewil at 5:48 PM on August 29, 2019 [8 favorites]


You know, when I saw those up-close pictures with people for scale, he wasn't as large as I'd expected him to be.
posted by traveler_ at 5:58 PM on August 29, 2019 [4 favorites]


I read this earlier today and it was very sophomorically amusing but I also learned a thing. I had no idea that the dating of the Cerne Abbas Giant was in dispute and it might just be a dick joke from the 17th century.
posted by soren_lorensen at 5:59 PM on August 29, 2019 [9 favorites]


"A man brings a deposit of the white stuff ready to spruce up the giant"

Is this a Dorset hillside or Studio 54?
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 6:07 PM on August 29, 2019 [3 favorites]


God I miss the days when a community could get together and create a massive erect cock that can only be appreciated from the sky. This is the best we can manage nowadays.
posted by Mr.Encyclopedia at 6:07 PM on August 29, 2019 [4 favorites]


Ah, the ceremonial scouring of the Long Man. Nanny Ogg approves.
posted by MonkeyToes at 6:09 PM on August 29, 2019 [10 favorites]


I thought Penis Month wasn't until September.

Johnny Wallflower don't you fucking dare.
posted by Homo neanderthalensis at 6:45 PM on August 29, 2019 [16 favorites]


frighteningly massive

yeah maybe to COWARDS
posted by poffin boffin at 6:50 PM on August 29, 2019 [12 favorites]


OblPratchett:
"Well, there's such a thing as style," said Casanunda. "There's such a thing as subtlety. You don't just shout: I've got a great big tonker."*

Except, I guess, when you do. Bravo.


*Lords and Ladies, p.222
posted by Archer25 at 6:57 PM on August 29, 2019 [7 favorites]


For a ripped, naked dude with a spiked club, he looks surprisingly friendly.
posted by xigxag at 7:12 PM on August 29, 2019 [5 favorites]


[extremely Dorset accent] MAMMA MIA! THA'S A BIG-A PEPPERONI!!!
posted by Greg Nog at 7:45 PM on August 29, 2019 [5 favorites]


The restoration work is fuelled by tea and cake.

I'll bet it is.


This is a Wordshore post. Tea and cake tend to figure somehwere. As they should.
posted by ninazer0 at 7:54 PM on August 29, 2019 [2 favorites]


and how does one sign up for this sort of refurbishment?
posted by jjray at 7:56 PM on August 29, 2019 [4 favorites]


I thought Penis Month wasn't until September.

No, that is February, the shortest month.
posted by Dip Flash at 7:57 PM on August 29, 2019 [7 favorites]


Banana for scale (SFW).
posted by cenoxo at 8:20 PM on August 29, 2019 [4 favorites]


happens once every ten years, though climate change may require more frequent penis attention.

This last bit is my usual excuse.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 8:59 PM on August 29, 2019 [6 favorites]


I read this earlier today and it was very sophomorically amusing but I also learned a thing. I had no idea that the dating of the Cerne Abbas Giant was in dispute and it might just be a dick joke from the 17th century.

Really show how little we know of history. Something so huge and notable and no one really knows when it was first created or who did it or why. I wonder if it was something like a college prank or otherwise considered some sort of vandalism at the time.
posted by Mitheral at 9:24 PM on August 29, 2019 [3 favorites]


Graffiti + a few hundred years = art
posted by It's Never Lurgi at 9:38 PM on August 29, 2019 [2 favorites]


It needs re-doing every 10 years or so because he does get discoloured and weathered and covered in weeds.

Interestingly, this precisely describes my sex life as well, since having kids.
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 9:49 PM on August 29, 2019 [5 favorites]


Graffiti = art. I don't have enough patience to wait a few hundred years. ;)

Old graffiti is a higher form of (folk) art.
posted by filthy light thief at 9:59 PM on August 29, 2019 [3 favorites]


Wordshore no why.
posted by loquacious at 11:11 PM on August 29, 2019 [2 favorites]


and how does one sign up for this sort of refurbishment?

$20, same as in town.
posted by loquacious at 11:11 PM on August 29, 2019 [6 favorites]


>>1 posts tagged with 432InchesOfCock.

Here's to many, many more in the future.


Always happy to provide 432 inches of cock to MeFites who require it.
posted by Wordshore at 12:09 AM on August 30, 2019 [7 favorites]


This is not too many miles from me and is absolutely splendid. I have a feeling most local people prefer the idea that it's not too old and was a bunch of wags having a bit of a laugh, rather than something older with a deeper meaning.

It's also available as a charming clock.
posted by dowcrag at 12:57 AM on August 30, 2019 [9 favorites]


Sub-editors came together yesterday for the annual celebration of their craft known as the Polishing of the Innuendo.

The origins of this ancient festival are lost in the mists of time. The first recorded innuendo was published in a British newspaper in the 17th century, but some believe that the tradition is much older, dating back to before the coming of the Romans.

"It's a proud upstanding part of British culture," declared one sub-editor as he joined his fellow members in their traditional meeting-place, the pump room of the Old Cock in Balls Pond Road. "For eleven months of the year, we have to produce headlines like 'Merkel flies in for crisis talks' or 'Angry commuters demand answers after rail disruption'. Then, in August, we can finally release all that pent-up frustration with headlnes like 'White stuff galore as volunteers give hand job to giant erection'. It's incredibly satisfying!"

At the festival's climax, sub-editors displayed their skills as they gently massaged an item of news. The story gradually grew longer and longer until, finally, a giant double entendre came bursting out, greeted with gasps and cries of admiration.

The traditional 'silly season' has been under threat in recent years, with doom and gloom dominating the news cycle all year round. Some believe that, with the advent of global warming, it may soon disappear altogether. For now, though, the final week of August still provides the opportunity for the sub-editors of Britain to get some much-needed relief.
posted by verstegan at 3:04 AM on August 30, 2019 [25 favorites]


432 is coincidentally the first 3 digits of my phone number.
posted by mikelieman at 4:20 AM on August 30, 2019 [1 favorite]


In reply to Stephen Fry's tweet drawing attention to this, the National Trust, who manage the site, replied Hi Stephen, our top priority has always been taking care of our members.
posted by ambrosen at 5:19 AM on August 30, 2019 [8 favorites]


Finally, an unsolicited dick pic that everyone can enjoy.
posted by zamboni at 5:52 AM on August 30, 2019 [2 favorites]


Whatever happened, they're chalking it up to the member of the club...
posted by Namlit at 6:02 AM on August 30, 2019 [1 favorite]


I completely botched my earlier comment, both in terms of the actual phrasing and the link it should have had. How embarrassing.

I assume no one reads the comment down here, but just in case, take two:

MYTHIC MOTHERFUCKING ROLL N’ ROLL
posted by a box and a stick and a string and a bear at 7:05 AM on August 30, 2019 [3 favorites]


I assume no one reads the comment down here, but just in case, take two

Excellent.

Hot take: If Amused to Death-era solo Roger Waters was asked to reimagine Spinal Tap's "Stonehenge" but on the topic of Cerne Abbas Man, the result might sound something like this.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 11:29 AM on August 30, 2019 [1 favorite]


*Chalk into the club
like what up, he's got a big cock
nah, it's just crushed rock, carved into a hill top*
posted by zamboni at 9:24 AM on August 31, 2019 [6 favorites]


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