"Dozens of false Renners had sprouted up, sowing chaos"

September 3, 2019 9:38 AM

"What this means, as you’ve probably figured out by now, is that if you post 'Lookin’ good, Mr. Renner!' under a blurry video of Jeremy driving a dump truck and someone named football_jersey97 replies with 'There is diarrhea shooting out of my penis,' your phone will buzz and you will receive a notification with the words 'Jeremy Renner: There is diarrhea shooting out of my penis' next to a little picture of Jeremy Renner’s face."

I Broke The Official Jeremy Renner App By Posting The Word "Porno" On It
posted by Atom Eyes (58 comments total)

Beautiful.
posted by PMdixon at 9:41 AM on September 3, 2019 [3 favorites]

i rate this app 2 cuils
posted by lalochezia at 9:41 AM on September 3, 2019 [8 favorites]

I downloaded the app due to peer pressure last week, and it is a glorious trainwreck. You can pay $350 to boost your posts and hopefully get Jeremy Renner to respond to you (note, I do not have the money nor the inclination to make this happen, I am just noting it's a possibility). You can look at various pictures of Jeremy Renner doing things. Worst of all, you can listen to his musical stylings.
posted by angelchrys at 9:57 AM on September 3, 2019 [1 favorite]

Now, I do not develop personalized vanity apps for celebrities. However, if I did develop personalized vanity apps for celebrities, I think one of the things I would try to avoid, just right off the bat before we got to much of the complicated stuff, would be any situation wherein it is extremely easy to make it look like the celebrity in question was personally messaging you about the stream of diarrhea shooting out of their penis.

Is there some kind of award we can get the writer for this passage?
posted by DirtyOldTown at 10:00 AM on September 3, 2019 [48 favorites]

I downloaded the app due to peer pressure last week

I cannot decide whether your peers are the greatest possible friends or the worst possible enemies.
posted by Etrigan at 10:02 AM on September 3, 2019 [14 favorites]

Laugh now but the joke’s on you when the Renner app becomes the fasting growing religion in the United States within five years
posted by The Whelk at 10:03 AM on September 3, 2019 [23 favorites]

I love everything about this.
posted by saladin at 10:08 AM on September 3, 2019 [1 favorite]

This is how I think we should all choose to remember [the app]: several sincere replies to a black and white photo of Jeremy Renner that looks like the cover of an Animorphs book about a Rat Pack impersonator turning into an actual rat.

That description seemed impossibly specific until I saw the photo in question and realized it's exactly accurate.
posted by spenser at 10:16 AM on September 3, 2019 [21 favorites]

Until I read this article I was convinced that "The Official Jeremy Renner App" everyone was talking about was some sort collaborative ARG or injoke.
posted by EndsOfInvention at 10:16 AM on September 3, 2019 [12 favorites]

At this point I'm *really* trying to resist finding out who "Jeremy Renner" even is (from the comments). I don't hold much hope. TIA internets.
posted by aleph at 10:21 AM on September 3, 2019 [4 favorites]

Jeremy Renner is a god from outer space and he brings us exciting new plumbing innovations for our nether regions.
posted by wordless reply at 10:30 AM on September 3, 2019 [3 favorites]

Well, he's not Jason Bourne. That much I'm almost sure of.
posted by Acid Communist at 10:31 AM on September 3, 2019 [8 favorites]

Is there some kind of award we can get the writer for this passage?

maybe we can develop some kind of app for him
posted by poffin boffin at 10:35 AM on September 3, 2019 [16 favorites]

He was pretty good in Arrival, which is about the possible extreme difficulty of communicating with aliens. So far as I know they did not want to tell us about cross-feeds between their reproductive and waste evacuation systems, but who can tell?
posted by Quindar Beep at 10:39 AM on September 3, 2019 [3 favorites]

I feel like my default setting is "leave fandom spaces alone," but I can make exceptions for how funny the nuisance turns out to be...and how blatantly the fandom space has been set up for profit...so this is hilarious. This Renner app weirdness has been simmering for a while. I'm desperately curious about how it came to be. Who pitched and created it? Why is it still here? Even the Kardashian apps have been yanked by now...
posted by grandiloquiet at 10:42 AM on September 3, 2019 [6 favorites]

Holy shit. Did you click the link and see how many artists have their own app? The list just keeps going on!
posted by graventy at 10:47 AM on September 3, 2019 [5 favorites]

Who would have thought that even Jeremy Renner fandom, easily the most banal of the actors of the MCU, would have so much drama.
posted by Ashwagandha at 10:48 AM on September 3, 2019 [1 favorite]

Holy shit. Did you click the link and see how many artists have their own app?

what media outlet will pay me the big bucks to install and maintain an active presence on every single one of those apps for one (1) month
posted by poffin boffin at 10:52 AM on September 3, 2019 [8 favorites]

Did you click the link and see how many artists have their own app? The list just keeps going on!

I'm not the most pop-culture-connected person in the world, but the fact that I only recognised maybe four or five people on that huge list says a lot about what the sales pitch for this service is.

I still have no idea what motivated this "make the notification look like it came from the celebrity even if it was some rando's reply to your comment" feature, though.
posted by tobascodagama at 10:53 AM on September 3, 2019 [1 favorite]

I'm more pop-culture-connected than I thought. I recognized six people: Amber Rose, Tommy Chong, Kelis, Paris Hilton, Jeremy Renner (as of today), and Bob Marley, who's been dead for almost forty years, but whose estate never met a branding opportunity it didn't like (though I will admit I'm intrigued by the possibility of being 'seen by Bob Marley').

There are a few more people where I think I may have heard their name at some point, but maybe their name is just similar to someone else's, and anyway I couldn't tell you a thing about them (are they influencers? They're probably influencers): LA Love the Boss, Ana Montana, and Woah Vicky.

Quite the A-list.
posted by box at 11:11 AM on September 3, 2019 [2 favorites]

Oh, *that's* who Jeremy Renner is. (Not as bad as I was fearing)
posted by aleph at 11:12 AM on September 3, 2019 [1 favorite]

Jeremy Renner's App Can't Escape Online Drama (The Ringer, 2017)

Influencers are flocking to a surprising new kind of social media (Fast Company, 2019)

Escapex, which was founded in 2015 and has raised $18 million in venture funding to date, now hosts the apps of more than 350 celebrities and social media influencers in 18 countries who have a total of 3.5 billion followers, many of whom are looking for a new way to turn their popularity online into cash that doesn’t involve hawking other people’s goods. According to Escapex, the combined 350+ apps have over 20 million users, who on average open an Escapex app four times a day. In the United States, 12% of users who install an Escapex app subscribe, paying an average of $6 per month to access their favorite influencer’s content.

posted by box at 11:22 AM on September 3, 2019 [2 favorites]

This is what the Joker movie should have been about
posted by Atom Eyes at 11:27 AM on September 3, 2019 [17 favorites]

Renner, for anyone who might not know him, plays Hawkeye from The Avengers. Hawkeye's teammates are a genetically enhanced super soldier, the god of thunder, a mecha warrior, a gamma-irradiated giant monster, and a woman bred from birth to be a superspy. His power is: "has a bow and arrow."
posted by DirtyOldTown at 12:00 PM on September 3, 2019 [11 favorites]

I firmly believe you could replace Renner in Arrival with a typical office ficus and still get the same sort of performance. He brings very little to that role.

Not a coincidence that they are replacing his character for the Hawkeye TV series. I am still not sure if Pizza Dog will be there or not. But even an animatronic dog would be better than Mr Renner.

His app or one like it will generate a whole new wave of stochastic terrorism. Because I'm sure Escapex is not paying anyone to moderate that shit.
posted by fifteen schnitzengruben is my limit at 12:15 PM on September 3, 2019 [6 favorites]

The Ringer article I posted above says they have 'between 40 and 50 Taiwan-based moderators.'

For 350+ apps, with a combined 20 million users.
posted by box at 12:25 PM on September 3, 2019 [4 favorites]

Not a coincidence that they are replacing [Renner] for the Hawkeye TV series.

They're not though. All signs are he is reprising the role.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 12:30 PM on September 3, 2019

God, if only they'd replace Renner as Hawkeye. Over on tumblr, caraldanvars has a great idea for doing just that:

jeremey renner, despite popular belief, played barney barton. the real clint barton will be revealed in marvel’s limited hawkeye series.

this IS a crack theory BUT barney barton has most of the same skills as clint, is an archer, has history of undercover work, and as trickshot, used trick arrows similar to the ones used by mcu clint

i realize this would never happen but can you imagine witnessing a twist like that? ten years the entire fandom has been treating jeremy renner as hawkeye but in reality he’s clint’s older brother faking it? bc the real clint barton didn’t pick up the phone when nick fury called? IMAGINE

Thanks to Avengers Endgame, I hate Hawkeye and profoundly resent every second of attention the MCU gives him. But I guess props to Renner for picking up what has to be a fat paycheck to show up in the Avengers movies to frown and shoot some arrows every so often. Though maybe the pay isn't so great given whatever the hell is going on with this app and his "music" "career".
posted by yasaman at 1:05 PM on September 3, 2019 [9 favorites]

But alongside the better Hawkeye, who will hopefully be taking the title from this point on.
posted by Holy Zarquon's Singing Fish at 1:18 PM on September 3, 2019 [6 favorites]

METAFILTER: whether your peers are the greatest possible friends or the worst possible enemies

[alternately]

METAFILTER: This is what the Joker movie should have been about
posted by philip-random at 1:26 PM on September 3, 2019 [5 favorites]

Not a coincidence that they are replacing [Renner] for the Hawkeye TV series.

They're not though. All signs are he is reprising the role.

Alan Alda: tanned. rested. ready.
posted by Huffy Puffy at 1:34 PM on September 3, 2019 [12 favorites]

Ana Montana

How has Disney not sued her yet?
posted by bitteschoen at 1:36 PM on September 3, 2019

That first Facebook post video by Garth Brooks is something else.
posted by Kattullus at 1:57 PM on September 3, 2019 [2 favorites]

I really liked Jeremy Renner in The Unusuals, which has colored my view of him ever since.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 1:58 PM on September 3, 2019 [2 favorites]

Thanks to Avengers Endgame, I hate Hawkeye and profoundly resent every second of attention the MCU gives him.

Movie Hawkeye fucking sucks. And I say that as someone who likes the comic book version well enough. He's a boring character in the movies, made more boring by Jeremy Renner.
And I say that as someone who likes Jeremy Renner in a lot of his work. Wind River was good!

In team based movies somehow Hawkeye gets a majority of screen time. Do they think I will relate to him because he is a boring white guy without superpowers? Is that why they spend so much time on his character? The second Avengers movie spent like a half an hour if not more on his ~big important decisions~ and choosing between family and team.

And dammit, I wanted to retire with Linda Cardellini. I would prefer the real version with more personality than "Hawkeye's wife" though. But still!

Then he's retired and I don't need to see his stupid open-mouthed gormless mug any more. Except he unretires basically immediately to be in Captain America.

And then Endgame has the audacity to make him a very central character again, and probably nearly 1/3 of it's ridiculous runtime is spent on his stupid character arc and I DO NOT CARE. People die because Hawkeye must be saved! FUCK THAT.
posted by graventy at 2:25 PM on September 3, 2019 [5 favorites]

My hope is that Renner reprises the role as Clint Barton only to be killed off in the first or second episode, and Kate Bishop takes over after that. Pizza Dog can be many dogs or CGI, just as long as that dog gets some pizza.
posted by fifteen schnitzengruben is my limit at 3:57 PM on September 3, 2019 [9 favorites]

Interesting timing - Amazon is (or was, yesterday) showing Renner-branded mensware and "outdoors" stuff on their front page, right below their big Carnival banner.
I did not click on either one, I am proud to say.
posted by Old'n'Busted at 5:40 PM on September 3, 2019

That first Facebook post video by Garth Brooks is something else.

I don't know what I was expecting when I clicked, but I should have known better. #fireblorp
posted by datawrangler at 7:27 PM on September 3, 2019 [1 favorite]

help i read the article and now im laughing so hard i cant stop crying
posted by medusa at 8:55 PM on September 3, 2019 [1 favorite]

You know what I don't get?

Like, before his acting career Renner was a wealthy House-flipper, like during his being werid-looking on ANGEL days. He's got Marvel money he doesn't have to have a music career or an app or even like, work ever again. I'd be building a rocket ship made of cocaine not a social media platform.

I guess even with the material reality of fully automated gay space communism people still find the need to work.

"@nickciarelli:
Jeremy renner is like if a normal guy who works at Dicks sporting goods was granted many wishes by god"
posted by The Whelk at 8:58 PM on September 3, 2019 [6 favorites]

What if they got Alan Alda for the TV series?
posted by rum-soaked space hobo at 3:32 AM on September 4, 2019

This sent me down a Google spiral, especially since Anne Helen Petersen posted about Renner's just opened lifestyle Amazon store. A review.

Also a youtuber tried out the app, which looks kinda scammy tbh
posted by cendawanita at 4:07 AM on September 4, 2019

He's got Marvel money he doesn't have to have a music career or an app or even like, work ever again.

He doesn’t have a vanity music project because it makes him money; quite the opposite. The app is just a thing where his management showed him a few charts with dollar signs. The dude likes being famous. That’s why he kept going to auditions even while his side hustles grew big enough to be careers on their own.
posted by Etrigan at 4:14 AM on September 4, 2019 [3 favorites]

> box: I'm more pop-culture-connected than I thought. I recognized six people: Amber Rose, Tommy Chong, Kelis, Paris Hilton, Jeremy Renner (as of today), and Bob Marley, who's been dead for almost forty years, but whose estate never met a branding opportunity it didn't like (though I will admit I'm intrigued by the possibility of being 'seen by Bob Marley').

I consider myself pretty darn pop-culture-connected and I can only add Dita Von Teese and Alessandra Ambrosio (models), Dominic Monaghan and Harold Perrineau (B-listers from Lost), Chris D'Elia (stand-up comic), Jake T Austin (former Disney "star" - my daughter had a pre-teen crush on him), and most amusingly Chanel West Coast (a Rob Dyrdek hanger-on). Some big holes in my pop-culture knowledge that appear to be exploited by this list are Instagram influencers, YouTubers, and Bollywood stars (I think Shaan looks familiar?). A fascinating list.
posted by Rock Steady at 6:12 AM on September 4, 2019

Huh.

I've been seeing people on Twitter cracking vague jokes about Jeremy Renner's App for a while, but I had assumed it was a project he was leading, like "Gwyneth Paltrow's magazine" or "Kylie Jenner's lipsticks". Not an app about Jeremy Renner, by Jeremy Renner, called Jeremy Renner.
posted by Gordafarin at 7:48 AM on September 4, 2019 [3 favorites]

And crucially: from Jeremy Renner.
posted by The corpse in the library at 8:34 AM on September 4, 2019 [2 favorites]

Metafilter: I have no idea how these people got diarrhea stuck in their bladders
posted by GCU Sweet and Full of Grace at 9:14 AM on September 4, 2019 [2 favorites]

Update: Jeremy Renner is pulling the plug on his app
posted by Atom Eyes at 2:56 PM on September 4, 2019 [3 favorites]

And apparently this app has been stirring up trouble for quite some time now. This article is from October 2017:

In the wake of Hurricane Harvey, Jeremy Renner (the person) used Jeremy Renner (the app) to pull off a classy move—he donated $20,000 to Corpus Christi’s Driscoll Children’s Hospital, using money raised through an in-app contest in which users entered to win a visit with Renner on the Atlanta, Georgia, set of the latest Avengers movie.

Some fans, however, became furious about the outcome of the contest. They feel that the contest was rigged in the winner’s favor. Some users also took umbrage because the “set visit” ultimately took place at Renner’s home rather than on the set of the film, which they believed was false advertising. What’s more, users grew even angrier when the winner claimed that she hadn’t actually gone to Jeremy Renner’s home, but then Jeremy Renner explained that she had gone to his home. The angry fans detailed these grievances on social media.

posted by Atom Eyes at 4:13 PM on September 4, 2019 [1 favorite]

Holy shit he done killed it.
posted by Rock Steady at 6:08 PM on September 4, 2019

Urp, what Atom Eyes said.
posted by Rock Steady at 6:08 PM on September 4, 2019

Question is, did he kill it with an arrow or a sword?
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 7:02 PM on September 4, 2019

Nothing gold can stay.
posted by mhum at 9:13 PM on September 4, 2019

[Eddie Vedder voice]
Jeremy’s broke app
Passed away...
posted by Atom Eyes at 10:33 PM on September 4, 2019 [4 favorites]

THE JEREMY RENNER APP WAS OUR MOST SURREAL SOCIAL NETWORK: In the end, the irony-poisoned wouldn’t let Renner Nation exist
posted by jenfullmoon at 6:29 AM on September 5, 2019

i tried to take a screenshot of me “pretend” buying $99.99 worth of stars on the jeremy renner app but I used my thumb to take the screenshot and accidentally authorized the payment. I wish this was a joke - @nicolewboyce

posted by EndsOfInvention at 6:53 AM on September 5, 2019

Anne Helen Petersen: I Can't Stop Thinking About Whatever's Going On With Jeremy Renner
posted by cendawanita at 8:33 AM on September 14, 2019 [2 favorites]

And following the links in that: The Sketchy Economics of the Jeremy Renner App
posted by cendawanita at 8:38 AM on September 14, 2019