"This year, I will outlive you."
October 2, 2019 10:34 PM   Subscribe

What's Your Grief was founded by two Baltimore-based mental health professionals with 20+ years of experience in grief and bereavement. Their separate experiences dealing with the death of a parent led them to wonder why anyone should have to feel alone when so many have been through grief themselves. The section of their site called 64 Things contains lists of grief-related subjects, including a collection of 64 Six Word Stories About Grief. posted by Johnny Wallflower (18 comments total) 61 users marked this as a favorite
As someone who is going to a funeral in three hours, this resonates.
posted by 41swans at 4:59 AM on October 3, 2019 [2 favorites]

This speaks to some of my deeply buried needs but "Let's be grief friends" aaaugh no
posted by hat_eater at 4:59 AM on October 3, 2019 [2 favorites]

Getting a little worried about Johnny..... : /
posted by I_Love_Bananas at 5:04 AM on October 3, 2019 [3 favorites]

This is timely for me and my friends. Thank you for sharing it.
posted by spindrifter at 5:17 AM on October 3, 2019

I looked at the “64 worst things to say” entry and was taken with how many of them I could imagine blurting out like an ass. A few might even be comforting in exactly the right context, but I’m guessing that usually isn’t the case. A rich site.
posted by Gilgamesh's Chauffeur at 6:10 AM on October 3, 2019 [3 favorites]

That was neat. I did enjoy the worst things people said. Worst one said to me: "you know he's going to Hell."
posted by Margalo Epps at 7:15 AM on October 3, 2019

My knee-jerk response to that terrible comment is "At least he'll be warm."

There's a conservative company located along the Interstate 25 in New Mexico that has had a number of "teaparty" signs up since Obama (Google streetmaps, showing "Worst President Ever" sign; Imgur screencap), and their latest is "Heaven has laws and a wall; Hell has open borders" (Imgur screencap). I want to add a banner on the bottom "That's why I'm still in business."

Judge not unless something something?

Getting a little worried about Johnny..... : /

Not sure if you're serious, but if you didn't notice, he's bringing back MementoMoriOctober.
posted by filthy light thief at 8:27 AM on October 3, 2019 [6 favorites]

"32. Have someone take a picture of your loved one in the casket. You can always throw it away but you can never get another."

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK NO. I mean I can only speak for myself on this one, but that's the last thing I needed. Pictures of my lifeless parent covered in makeup.
posted by UltraMorgnus at 9:18 AM on October 3, 2019 [3 favorites]

"37. When someone dies from suicide, sometimes people do not express sympathies. Sometimes they don’t say anything at all. All grief should be acknowledged, regardless of how the death occurred."

On the other hand, this was ABSOLUTELY my experience. The silence from my grad school community was deafening and demoralizing. I still haven't been able to forgive them for leaving me feeling abandoned when I needed human connection the most. Even ten years later.
posted by UltraMorgnus at 9:21 AM on October 3, 2019 [2 favorites]

Thank you for this post. It contained something I didnt know I needed but sorely did.
posted by Faintdreams at 9:47 AM on October 3, 2019

This is also timely for me, thank you. I often recommend the book "Good Grief" by Granger E. Westberg, someone gave it to me when I lost my mom.
posted by and for no one at 11:36 AM on October 3, 2019

31. You’re too young to know what real grief is.

What. The. Fuck.

All of these are infuriating.

But the variations of "it could be worse" or "others have it worse than you" really piss me off. How bad does someone's pain have to be for you to have some empathy?
posted by acidnova at 11:44 AM on October 3, 2019 [1 favorite]

34. “God never gives you more than you can handle.”

Being on the receiving of this after a loss forever changed my attitude towards one in-law, who said it knowing I was an atheist. Just reading it on the list triggered ire. It felt like a slap in the face.

Good site, lots of excellent information. We don’t need it until we do. Thanks for posting.
posted by kinnakeet at 5:40 AM on October 4, 2019

When my father passed, two separate old, white, male chucklefucks, when I was introduced by my mom, who would always say, “She’s in from Oregon,” told me how much they hate my state. Like, they know my father is dead, the only reason I’m standing here with my mom is because I’m in town for the funeral and to help her. But sure, that’s a good time to hate on where I live. Goddamned Fox News.
posted by amanda at 7:15 AM on October 4, 2019 [2 favorites]

There’s some gems in there. However I find the way that site is monetized to be pretty distracting. At the end of an article about how to talk to your kids about school shootings there’s an ad for lipstick (because I’ve been tracked and I’m a woman!). Not a problem unique to this site but frustrating if you want to share it widely.
posted by amanda at 7:22 AM on October 4, 2019

"Losing your husband is nothing compared to the death of a parent. You can always replace your husband.”

I am a widow and was warned by a support group this sort of sentiment runs strong with a lot of people (including in-laws guilting when a widow starts to date again).

The other one that was super common was attempted empathy with the death of a pet or parents. I now have much more sympathy in general. Grieving is grieving.
posted by hillabeans at 2:35 PM on October 4, 2019

"32. Have someone take a picture of your loved one in the casket. You can always throw it away but you can never get another."


I am a photographer, not a professional, but it's a big part of me. I did this at my mom's funeral. It was hard but I did it because I might want to look back at it. I did it because I might want to re-read the notes her grandchildren wrote her and left in the casket. It's been a month since she passed and I still haven't processed those photos. I don't know for sure if I ever will. But I took them even if others might have thought I was weird.
Reading someone else saying that I should take the picture makes me feel a little less like I'm some fucked up weirdo.
I miss you mom, you would be 66 today.
Fuck cancer.
posted by MrBobaFett at 11:23 AM on October 16, 2019 [1 favorite]

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