Meet helvetica's evil twin: HELLVETICA
October 31, 2019 1:09 PM   Subscribe

Kern in hell. “Sweet Jesus, this is unsettling,” someone wrote on Twitter. Another called it “a short-form horror story for graphic designers.” Hellvetica is free to download (may heaven have mercy on your soul).
posted by MiraK (32 comments total) 21 users marked this as a favorite
 
A descender into madness!
posted by wordless reply at 1:14 PM on October 31 [15 favorites]


The screenshot of using it in VSCode is... utterly unsettling.
posted by bookwo3107 at 1:14 PM on October 31 [6 favorites]


The kerning is SO off that it's funny to a wide range of people, but it would've been A LOT funnier to type designers if it had just been ever so subtly off instead. Kerning that's just ludicrously wrong isn't funny or annoying, it's just dumb. Kerning that's just barely wrong is insidious and evil.
posted by rikschell at 1:14 PM on October 31 [23 favorites]


Best part: "I don't hate it." - Satan

Or: "Id o n'th at ei t." I guess.
posted by pwinn at 1:18 PM on October 31 [4 favorites]


Looking for bad kearning, I found that My Fonts has "bad kearning" as a tag, which has 1,857 results currently. I'm sorry/ enjoy!

(Bonus: my new favorite "test all the letters" sentence: Wavy Jake's fat zebra had Mexican pig liquor.)
posted by filthy light thief at 1:31 PM on October 31 [9 favorites]


Thanks. I hate it.
posted by SansPoint at 1:34 PM on October 31 [2 favorites]


g∞d keming
posted by scruss at 2:13 PM on October 31 [11 favorites]


The screenshot of using it in VSCode is... utterly unsettling.

I kind of want to prank a coworker with that.
posted by Foosnark at 2:49 PM on October 31 [2 favorites]


I can't stand the font smoothing on Windows, so I turn it off. The result looks a bit like this, but I consider it a lesser evil.
posted by paper chromatographologist at 2:56 PM on October 31


Thank you so much for bringing up long-buried memories.

In the mid-70s I ran a CompuGraphic phototypesetter for my college paper. Nobody really understood the thing and fewer could use it. There were font strips and something called “width plugs.” If strips were paired with the wrong plugs, you got the horror of Hellvetica. As the machine had no memory, anything printed out wrong had to be re-keyed in its entirety—a real nightmare when things were getting late and somebody got the wrong kerning on two hours’ worth of typesetting. I recall much frustrated screaming.
posted by kinnakeet at 3:04 PM on October 31 [3 favorites]




B a d
posted by nestor_makhno at 4:43 PM on October 31


Immediately downloaded so I could send an urgent email to torment my coworkers. Everyone replied like "oh god noooo" except my boss, who received it in Times New Roman for some reason. Now I just need to go aorund the office and install it on everyone's work computer. Should I wait for April 1st? No, no this is too important.
posted by drinkyclown at 5:10 PM on October 31 [8 favorites]


this keming is glonous
posted by Reclusive Novelist Thomas Pynchon at 5:30 PM on October 31 [12 favorites]


I don't get it. Are you guys having me on? It boks like perfectly normal text to me.
posted by glonous keming at 5:35 PM on October 31 [38 favorites]


>> this keming is glonous
posted by Reclusive Novelist Thomas Pynchon at 5:30 PM on October 31 [+] [!]

> I don't get it. Are you guys having me on? It boks like perfectly normal text to me.
posted by glonous keming at 5:35 PM on October 31 [−] [!]


so i'm going to accuse you of being kibo. partially because that was a very kibo thing you just did there, but primarily because by mentioning kibo i might summon the actual kibo.
posted by Reclusive Novelist Thomas Pynchon at 5:43 PM on October 31 [4 favorites]




nah, Kibo hasn't commented since late July
posted by cortex at 6:55 PM on October 31 [2 favorites]


ZA LG O
posted by Lipstick Thespian at 7:24 PM on October 31 [4 favorites]



l̷͕̞̗͎̂̀̃̑̏̽̊͂́̀̎͌̉͒͌͑ỡ̸̛͚̪̲̭͕̙̭͔͓̐̈́͑̿̄̓͗̍̎̒̒͆̿͐̇̿̄̽̀̑̚͝͝o̸̧̙̙͉̬̦̲̯̗͓̲͇͇̙͔̭͕̤̮̪̱̦̅̆̽̉̄̈̏́́̊͆͂́̈͘̕͘̚͜͝k̷̡͎̤̥͐͐͒͑̑̒͋̇̐̈́͑́͌̆̐̈́̈́̓̎̽̂͂̈͆̊̌̿̍̚̚͘͝͝͝͝s̵̨̧̛̞̭̜͓̱͌̓͌͑̓́̋́̀̄̅̍͐̓̄̌̕͘ ̸̨̛͚̠͙̻̟̹̞̤͎͙̙̤͓̾̒͊̓̓̽̆̀̿͊̐̀͛̈́̂̇̈̈́̐̂͐̓̈́̊̎͒͆͋͌͒͆̽̌̈́͑͘̚͠ͅf̷̨̢̨̟͖̦͎̹͚̫̣͍͚̖̗͍̭̠͍̺̻͈̺̰̲͖̔̓͊ḯ̵̢̬͈͖͚̗̟̯̯̹̗͉͙̱̗̤̺̰̠͑̉̍̂̏͋̐́͜͜͜͝ͅǹ̶̬̳͔͉͓̯̺̙̪̙̜̟͓͖̝͕̑̊̂̏͋̋̎́́̊̓͂̊̕̕͠͠͝ę̴̨̧̨̛͙͖̬̠͎̦̺̘̪̖̭̻͖̪̮̱̯̞̖̦̣̟͉̺̮̲̰̔̀̅̎̀͂ ̷̬͔̥̫̬͇͚̖͔͙͕͚̿̊̈́̂̊̆̅͌͌́̊͒̾̒̈́͒͑̀͒̆̈͜͜͝͝t̸̛̰̥̬͉͇̤̠̭̠͖͙̼͎͖̹̮͍͈͎̝̫̺̭̎̎̅̂̿̿̒̔̎͐̾̓̍̑̀̚͜͜͜͜͠͝ͅͅo̸̧̫͉͔͎̹̦̟̰̖̯͇̖̮̬͙̻̔͒̓͂͆̏̏̐̓̀̽̔̉̈́̿̋̔̒͋̍̃͐͑̈́̂͊͐͗̈́́̔̕̕͝͝͝ͅ ̶̨̼̖͓͎͉̼̜͇͍̘͇̻͎͉͙̻̋͌̌̇̈́̈́̉̈́͌̎̎̾̍̄͊̍̄̾̏͂͐͗̎̔̄͋̄̎̓̈́̎͂͋́̚͝͠͝m̶̢̨̛̛̦͔̙̠̩̙̥͚͓̬̱̮̅́͆́͗̉̂͛͐̿͊̐͂͂͐̋̒̊͌͐͌̄͑̿̓̈́̓̌͌͑̈́͒̚̕̕͝͠e̵̡̨̨̢̡̮̪͍̻̤̱̜̻̬̫̠͔̞̙͚̤̙̺̘̙̤͓͓̗̮͖̺̮̥͇̲͚̙̱̬̱͙̍̈͒̋̿̊̓̈͐͗̈̓̆̽̇̊͆̏̎̚̚
posted by Ahmad Khani at 7:36 PM on October 31 [3 favorites]


Aaa aa arr r rggh h! I t bu rn s, it b u rn s!
posted by Pouteria at 10:05 PM on October 31 [1 favorite]


Might just leave at that. Makes as much sense.
posted by Pouteria at 10:06 PM on October 31


It boks like perfectly normal text to me.

Does this kerming not...f bod your fodish little rni nd...with wamings of doom and gbom ? Do esn't it CHlLL YOLIR BONES? Tuming the very BboD in YoLIR veins to lCE?
posted by straight at 10:12 PM on October 31


Am I the only person underwhelmed by this? It just looks like someone took a copy of Helvetica, pessimised the kerning and uploaded it; there is no joke except for “it's the High Modernist Design Typeface, only fucked up”.

They'd have gotten a few more points for trolling had they started with Arial instead, and still called it “Hellvetica”. Or, for elite-tier Marcel Duchamp's handmade urinal points, take a name-brand Helvetica and rework it until it looks almost like the Arial that ships with every browser.
posted by acb at 2:10 AM on November 1 [3 favorites]


Someone did this with Comic Sans, but it just gave back Comic Sans.
posted by They sucked his brains out! at 4:07 AM on November 1 [2 favorites]


acb, for extra Duchamp points, rather than rework Helvetica, they could have gotten someone else to do it.

The woman who really made Duchamp’s ‘Fountain’
posted by Richard Daly at 7:07 AM on November 1 [1 favorite]


Oh, man, that reminds me of a dumb thing I did a couple weeks ago on a whim, making vector forms of only the non-overlapping parts of Helvetica and Arial: helveticarial.
posted by cortex at 7:31 AM on November 1 [4 favorites]


Not Helvetica, but LL Bean did this shit on purpose. It makes me twitch every time I see it, and as a Mainer, I see it... frequently.
posted by that's candlepin at 8:02 AM on November 1 [6 favorites]


candlepin - what the actual

we deserve it, I guess
posted by MiraK at 8:29 AM on November 1 [1 favorite]


My printouts look like this when I try to print a PDF and something goes weird with the printer parsing the font. It uses a built-in font, which is some sans-serif Helvetica-esque thing, with the glyph positioning for whatever font was on the document originally, which is usually not similar enough to Helvetica to actually look good.
posted by jackbishop at 9:42 AM on November 1


This is wonderful now I have font for printing I Was Drunk When I Wrote This stories.
posted by ErisLordFreedom at 9:52 AM on November 1


rikschell, something like this? How to piss off your designer friends and give them a migraine
posted by Glow Bucket at 12:06 PM on November 1


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