Meanwhile — in another part of the galaxy — later that same day

December 1, 2019 9:57 AM

The venerable Spaceballs was not the first Star Wars parody. That honor goes to the 13-minute Hardware Wars, the Wikipedia synopsis of which begins - "A household steam iron flies through space, fleeing a toaster, which fires toast at it." Also featuring multi-platinum award-winning music producer Scott Mathews saying "Gol-ly!" a lot. Better than 10 hours of Bork Wars. You're welcome.

Baby Yoda stuff goes here.

posted by saysthis (45 comments total)

For a while on every online RPG, I would name my character Augie "Ben" Doggie in honor of Hardware Wars.
posted by tclark at 10:00 AM on December 1, 2019 [9 favorites]

Fun little fun fact about Spaceballs, on the movie posters (under "Trivia" at the bottom) it said, "May the farce be with you". That's a shout-out to Hardware Wars, here.
posted by saysthis at 10:12 AM on December 1, 2019 [4 favorites]

Oh wow. This is a blast from the past.

My elementary school had a copy of Hardware Wars on film (this would have been the mid 80s). I had a teacher who used it as a go-to to entertain a classroom full of kids when recess was rained out on a couple of occasions.

And the runtime makes sense since our recess periods were 15 minutes.

Teacher, wheeling a projector into the classroom: "Who wants to watch Hardware Wars?"

Classroom full of kids: "Yeahhhhhhh!!!"
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 10:26 AM on December 1, 2019 [9 favorites]

Pretty sure I saw this on Nightflight on the USA Channel.
posted by octothorpe at 10:30 AM on December 1, 2019 [2 favorites]

I also saw this on a film print as a kid at a local community center. They even set up a concession stand and were selling little bags of popcorn and kid sized dixie cups of soda and stuff.

This was totally at the height of Star Wars mania and the explosion of interest in practical special effects and such, so it really hit a sweet spot and zeitgeist of funny and fun in many different ways, especially the wild and drunken Ed Wood on a (actual) shoestring budget of random hardware and housewares and balls of tinfoil as asteroids and all that, visible strings and all.
posted by loquacious at 10:58 AM on December 1, 2019 [1 favorite]

I absolutely love the cut away to the 10-speed during the hyperspace jump. Such a good gag.
posted by wordless reply at 11:02 AM on December 1, 2019 [3 favorites]

But Basketball is a peaceful planet!

Hardware Wars is something you need to see projected from film, with a room of exhausted sci fi fans at 3am. (Also, thanks for not mentioning the special edition.)
posted by Catblack at 11:06 AM on December 1, 2019 [7 favorites]

I watched Hardware Wars so many times. From the local library, I think. Pretty sure Bambi Meets Godzilla was on the same tape.
posted by The Hamms Bear at 11:34 AM on December 1, 2019 [13 favorites]

I think that it was key in inspiring legions of kids with access to Super 8 cameras, including me, to say, "Hey, me and my friends could do that!" (Ron Howard, fresh off Grand Theft Auto: "They could not do that.")
posted by Halloween Jack at 11:39 AM on December 1, 2019

The Hamms Bear -- same here. I think there was also an Apocalypse Now parody called Pork Lips Now on that tape, which I don't recall being very funny, but I was young.

In looking up Pork Lips Now, I see the director of that is the same as for Hardware Wars, Ernie Fosselius. I also see that he was credited for sound in Spaceballs, and was the Rancor keeper in ROTJ.

I think I've read that before, but not sure.
posted by Ickster at 11:52 AM on December 1, 2019 [4 favorites]

I wonder if there is any link between Hardware Wars and these other flying toasters
posted by TedW at 12:08 PM on December 1, 2019 [2 favorites]

I first saw this as an actual film that they showed at either camp or Sunday school. And when YouTube first started gaining traction as a site that had videos you remembered from your childhood, HW was the first thing I searched for.

I probably say "Basketball is a peaceful planet" about once a week.

Challah rolls as Leia braids 4evah!
posted by Mchelly at 12:43 PM on December 1, 2019 [6 favorites]

The "cantina" scene always impresses me.
posted by detachd at 12:57 PM on December 1, 2019 [6 favorites]

True story: George Lucas In Love - Short film by Joe Nussbaum (1999).
posted by zengargoyle at 1:12 PM on December 1, 2019 [3 favorites]

You'll laugh, you'll cry...you'll kiss $5 bucks goodbye!!
posted by Freedomboy at 1:30 PM on December 1, 2019 [7 favorites]

(Also, thanks for not mentioning the special edition.)
posted by Catblack at 3:06 AM on December 2 [1 favorite +] [!]

The special edition.

You'll laugh, you'll cry...you'll kiss $5 bucks goodbye!!
posted by Freedomboy at 5:30 AM on December 2 [1 favorite −] Favorite added! [!]

Not anymore! Thanks internet!
posted by saysthis at 2:14 PM on December 1, 2019

He says "kiss 3 bucks goodbye."
posted by octothorpe at 2:15 PM on December 1, 2019 [4 favorites]

A movie ticket averaged $2.23 in 1977 or $9.34 with inflation.
posted by octothorpe at 2:19 PM on December 1, 2019

I think this was one of the short subjects that HBO used to squeeze in between feature films back in the day, along with "Bambi vs. Godzilla" and a small assortment of others. Quite a surprise to just stumble across on cable TV!
posted by Mothlight at 2:45 PM on December 1, 2019 [6 favorites]

I remember renting Thumb Wars. I still quote “shoot ‘em up! Pow! Pow!” from time to rime
posted by MiltonRandKalman at 2:59 PM on December 1, 2019 [2 favorites]

Weirdly, in a lifetime of nerding which includes multiple viewings of both Spaceballs and Hardware Wars, in my experiential index they occur as one film.
posted by mwhybark at 3:33 PM on December 1, 2019

hm, reading upthread comments I suppose I should note that my local library was the home of our local cable access channel, which, thanks to canny and energetic leadership, was able to obtain multitudes of weird-ass shit to broadcast when it entered the library collection. Hardware Wars was in that set of material, as were all the early DEVO films, the 1970s Trek blooper reels, etc. I guess by the time Spaceballs came out I had probably enthusiastically watched Hardware Wars like twenty times, definitely more times than I had ever seen an actual Star Wars film.
posted by mwhybark at 3:39 PM on December 1, 2019 [4 favorites]

I loved this thing. It used to come on HBO no? or some early cable channel? All I know is basketball is a peaceful planet.
posted by hilberseimer at 4:22 PM on December 1, 2019

HBO used to show this all the time after it came out, just the thing for padding out the schedule to make sure your next movie was going to start at 8PM exactly.
posted by inthe80s at 6:44 PM on December 1, 2019 [1 favorite]

Hardware Wars and Starcrash warped my early adolescent brain into what it is today.
posted by computech_apolloniajames at 6:48 PM on December 1, 2019 [4 favorites]

Showtime also aired it quite often as a schedule padder.
posted by computech_apolloniajames at 8:09 PM on December 1, 2019

And don't forget Closet Cases of the Nerd Kind!

This... means something! (Sticks face in mashed potatoes)
posted by rouftop at 8:19 PM on December 1, 2019 [4 favorites]

I love that 4-Q-2's lines are pretty much unchanged from C-3PO's.
posted by KingEdRa at 9:16 PM on December 1, 2019 [2 favorites]

Wow. It has been 40 years since I’d seen this. Ten year old me thought this was fall-over funny laugh-until-you-cry so it’s kind of charming to see it with (only slightly) more sophisticated eyes. I have no idea how we saw stuff like this as kids before the internet but I’m guessing it was one of those Bob Wilkins (shout out KTVU San FRancisco) sci-fi or horror movie shows. Either that or filler for some double feature 99 cent special at the local run down cinema. For some reason I always thought Ray Harryhausen was involved in this, but on re-watch this is far cheesier and low budget than even his stop motion claymation effects.

The best thing about this is how in 2019, any group of 12 year olds has in their pockets all of the technology necessary to put something like this together, and they occasionally do.

and was the Rancor keeper in ROTJ.

Now that is a great piece of trivia which I will hold onto and cherish.
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 9:27 PM on December 1, 2019 [2 favorites]

Mad props to these guys for the mad props.
posted by zompist at 9:44 PM on December 1, 2019 [1 favorite]

Referenced in the Last Jedi, as well
posted by another_20_year_lurker at 10:10 PM on December 1, 2019

"What's the matter, did you feel a great disturbance in the force, as if millions of people cried out in pain and were suddenly silenced?"

"No, just a headache."

I've been quoting that to many people's annoyance for I guess 40 years now...
posted by mmoncur at 3:24 AM on December 2, 2019 [4 favorites]

Also: rewatching it now, I can't believe they got actual Disney legend Paul Frees to do the narration...
posted by mmoncur at 3:55 AM on December 2, 2019

And don't forget Closet Cases of the Nerd Kind!

Mrs. Example and I still say "Gotta build a mountain in your living room" whenever a character says "This means something" in a TV show or movie.

And it's gonna be keen.
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 6:31 AM on December 2, 2019 [1 favorite]

Interesting Subreddit about spotting everyday objects—including hardware—used as movie props in sci-fi and fantasy films:

r/Thatsabooklight

From that Subreddit, a (kinda annoying) video about an ice cream maker used as props in The Empire Strikes Back and The Mandalorian.
posted by SoberHighland at 7:03 AM on December 2, 2019

We've seen Hardware Wars as pre-roll/post-show material at MST Club at least three times now.
posted by JHarris at 8:35 AM on December 2, 2019

Referenced in the Last Jedi, as well: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ewz4xXfI420

I laughed out loud in the theater for exactly this reason. Sadly I was the only one.
posted by Ben Trismegistus at 8:57 AM on December 2, 2019 [1 favorite]

I'd also recommend 'Pork Lips Now' (mentioned above). It's a pretty good low-budget interpretation of the original.
posted by ovvl at 9:28 AM on December 2, 2019

Referenced in the Last Jedi, as well: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ewz4xXfI420

I laughed out loud in the theater for exactly this reason. Sadly I was the only one.

Same!!!
posted by Mchelly at 10:05 AM on December 2, 2019 [1 favorite]

This and "Wizard of Space and Time" (the short, not the movie-length feature) were played at almost every SF convention I attended when I was in high school and college.
posted by xingcat at 11:57 AM on December 2, 2019 [2 favorites]

You'll never convince me that the design of Boba Fett's Slave I wasn't based on a flying steam iron.
posted by SPrintF at 12:42 PM on December 2, 2019

This, and Closet Cases, and Superbman were formative media for me.
posted by RakDaddy at 2:08 PM on December 2, 2019

No, no. It's just a headache.
posted by lumpenprole at 3:43 PM on December 2, 2019

Stray post, my bad!
posted by mwhybark at 8:30 PM on December 2, 2019

My dad recorded this (probably from HBO) and I watched it so many times. Never fails to crack me up!
posted by SisterHavana at 11:22 PM on December 2, 2019 [1 favorite]