God mode is on by default.
December 8, 2019 7:10 AM   Subscribe

I Am Jesus Christ [YouTube][Game Trailer] “There have been Christian video games for nearly as long as there have been video games, with devout parents desperately trying to keep the devil at bay by feeding their kids a steady diet of Bible Adventures, Dance Praise, and dozens of other off-brand, Bible-friendly Mario wannabes. And yet, we’re not sure we’ve ever seen anything quite like I Am Jesus Christ. [...] After all, even extremely religious games rarely put players in the sandals of the Nazarene himself, on account of, well, the blasphemy. But I Am Jesus Christ appears to just go for it, featuring scenes of you and your big white hands curing the blind, calming storms, and making fish appear where fish were not.” [via: A.V. Club]

• I Am Jesus Christ Is the First Video Game Designed for People Who Are Jesus Christ [Slate]
“But the new game takes full advantage of next-gen technology to put gamers right in the center of all the heart-pounding itinerant preaching action: healing the sick, calming the seas, cursing a fig tree, suffering under Pontius Pilate, drinking vinegar mixed with gall, gluing Polaroids of the people you meet into a Bible, and, in what promises to be the most epic boss battle in video game history, winning the victory over death by spending six excruciating hours slowly dying on a cross at Golgotha, which is, being interpreted, the place of the skull. Plus you get to wash the apostles’ feet! ”
posted by Fizz (79 comments total) 20 users marked this as a favorite
 
Will you be able to chase the moneylenders from the temple?

(Will there be a patch to make your first-person hands brown?)
posted by panhopticon at 7:17 AM on December 8, 2019 [49 favorites]


Does Mom bake you a birthday cake on Christmas?
posted by jim in austin at 7:21 AM on December 8, 2019 [7 favorites]


My favorite comment on this so far:
“A 3-day lag to respawn is bollocks.”
posted by Fizz at 7:22 AM on December 8, 2019 [85 favorites]


I started a custom game as Jesus Christ in AI Dungeon 2, and it was much more fun than the default adventures. I found Judas, then turned his blood into wine, then drank his blood.
posted by RobotVoodooPower at 7:23 AM on December 8, 2019 [14 favorites]


I started a custom game as Jesus Christ in AI Dungeon 2, and it was much more fun than the default adventures. I found Judas, then turned his blood into wine, then drank his blood.

Jesus Christ as a vampire makes for a very interesting metaphor.
posted by Fizz at 7:29 AM on December 8, 2019 [9 favorites]


I once tried to make a Leper Messiah (per "Ziggy Stardust") in City of Heroes--they were going to be a Mastermind with a zombie army, Lazari that had been resurrected a bit past their expiration date, so to speak--but I couldn't get the name, meaning that it was either forbidden or someone else already had one.
posted by Halloween Jack at 7:38 AM on December 8, 2019 [2 favorites]


Jesus Christ as a vampire makes for a very interesting metaphor.


Well, all sorts of people keep trying to make him a Capitalist.
posted by GenjiandProust at 7:43 AM on December 8, 2019 [24 favorites]


Lazari that had been resurrected a bit past their expiration date, so to speak

I submit that people can get resurrected only after they have expired.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 7:43 AM on December 8, 2019 [13 favorites]


I Am Jesus Christ is far from the first video game to faithfully adapt the Bible: It follows so closely in the footprints of Red Sea Crossing, Billy Graham’s Bible Blaster, and Super Noah’s Ark 3D that at times it looks like there’s only one set of footprints.

Excellent use of metaphor.
posted by GenjiandProust at 7:46 AM on December 8, 2019 [36 favorites]


Henceforth, anyone claiming to be the reincarnation of Jesus Christ had better have the Steam achievements to back it up.
posted by allegedly at 7:58 AM on December 8, 2019 [14 favorites]


In my oh-so-humble opinion, the best parts of the gospels are verbal: the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus wrangling with the Pharisees ("snakes and vipers", "whitewashed tombs"!), and the parts where Jesus drops references to parts of the Old Testament that are conveniently "forgotten" by most mainstream Christians. Like His numerous references to Jubilee where slaves were to be freed and land was restored to its original owners ever 49 years, or that sly "you will always have the poor with you" that is misinterpreted as an excuse to not do anything to alleviate poverty but is really a reference to an OT passage admonishing the rich to not slack on their giving. Also the parts where the rich are made poor and the poor are made rich.
posted by technodelic at 8:02 AM on December 8, 2019 [18 favorites]


DLC: The Old Testament. Rated M. Trigger warnings: everything.
posted by cowcowgrasstree at 8:07 AM on December 8, 2019 [13 favorites]


YouTube, so... don't read the comments. But I did! Top comment: "Ugh... I hate it when a trailer has spoilers!"
posted by SoberHighland at 8:08 AM on December 8, 2019 [6 favorites]


It makes perfect sense of the differences between the Gospels. Matthew is going for 100%, Mark is a speedrunner, Luke is doing all the cutscenes for a longplay video and John has a bunch of extra DLC material the others don’t get to, while skipping some of the main levels.
posted by graymouser at 8:14 AM on December 8, 2019 [45 favorites]


Cynical heathen me is enjoying the jokes. But loves-his-Christian-mom me feels bad for the nice people who are already neck deep in a seasonal avalanche of fellow "believers" not getting the point about Christ who now get to watch their faith get turned into a stupid video game.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 8:16 AM on December 8, 2019 [9 favorites]


I bet the resurrection will be a micro-transaction...
posted by Pendragon at 8:23 AM on December 8, 2019 [5 favorites]


I agree DirtyOldTown. It's just mildly depressing to see this on a number of levels.
posted by SoberHighland at 8:25 AM on December 8, 2019 [3 favorites]


My favorite frame for a JC role playing approach would be Hustler Jesus. Read the whole "Render unto Caesar" story with the coin and notice how he asks for a coin at the start of his explanation of why he doesn't expect anyone to give him coin. Then never gives it back. Pockets the thing and walks off with it as far as I can tell.

Guess I'm saying I'll wait until they do the DLC that lets me do a multiclass Rogue/Word-Made-Flesh PC.
posted by mark k at 8:38 AM on December 8, 2019 [7 favorites]


@JessicaChobot: I’ve always said Assassins Creed should take this this on.
posted by scaryblackdeath at 8:38 AM on December 8, 2019 [4 favorites]


It would be an interesting, if probably blasphemous, game if there was a “choose your path” aspect — do you heal this person or that person? Which apostles get chosen? What sermons do you choose? When pressured to support the political order, what do you chose? Do you throw in with the Zealots? A different group? The Romans? Do you back away from the Passion? If there aren’t any choices, why not just watch the cut scene compilation?

I’m only a little joking; I think there’s a lot of resonance in the idea of Christ as a person who had to make choices in a difficult time (your theology might vary). I think it would ultimately run aground on the need for the general biblical narrative to be the “best” one, but maybe a game like Cultist Simulator (Messiah Simulator?), set in a fictional world, would work.
posted by GenjiandProust at 8:39 AM on December 8, 2019 [14 favorites]


Will multiplayer include a time traveling Napoleon mode?
posted by sammyo at 8:39 AM on December 8, 2019 [1 favorite]


Press ^C(ucifix) for GodMode.
posted by sammyo at 8:43 AM on December 8, 2019 [1 favorite]


Deluxe edition includes a haptic cap and gloves with sterilized needles for full final challenge immersion.
posted by sammyo at 8:45 AM on December 8, 2019 [4 favorites]


I’ve always said Assassins Creed should take this this on.

According to the Asssassin's Creed Fandom-Wiki, Jesus Christ has been referenced/mentioned a number of times in previous games, but sadly not as a character. And now I'm thinking of Jesus Christ as an NPC that keeps on repeating the same bit of dialog. Or an NPC that has you literally follow in his footsteps.
posted by Fizz at 8:47 AM on December 8, 2019


We've definitely come a long way from Leisure Suit Larry.
posted by They sucked his brains out! at 8:48 AM on December 8, 2019 [6 favorites]


I am strangely fascinated by the fact that he has some kind of resource bar on the right that gets depleted when he performs miracles. What does he do to refill it? Ordinary non-miraculous stuff like giving sermons and washing feet? I feel like the theological implications of Jesus having a finite "miracle meter" are...pretty significant.
posted by mstokes650 at 8:50 AM on December 8, 2019 [29 favorites]


What does he do to refill it?
From a prosperity gospel perspective it's consuming all the shekels the NPCs give you. No shekels, no miracles.
posted by Karaage at 9:02 AM on December 8, 2019 [9 favorites]


What does he do to refill it?

Khajiit has prayers if you have coin.
posted by Fizz at 9:09 AM on December 8, 2019 [25 favorites]


And here I was thinking that the apex of the, um, JRPG genre had already been reached with The You Testament.
posted by wordless reply at 9:11 AM on December 8, 2019 [1 favorite]


Is this Frog Fractions 3?
posted by escape from the potato planet at 9:18 AM on December 8, 2019 [11 favorites]


I'm not a fan of remakes and I liked the original better. Plus that one's easier to speed run.
posted by Hactar at 9:32 AM on December 8, 2019 [2 favorites]


I feel like the theological implications of Jesus having a finite "miracle meter" are...pretty significant.

No no no this is great, it totally solves the problem of evil! God is technically omnipotent in that he can do anything, but his mana regenerates real slowly afterward.
posted by nebulawindphone at 9:32 AM on December 8, 2019 [31 favorites]


(Next up: "God is technically omniscient but he thinks really slowly" and "God is technically omnibenevolent but there's only so many things he can give a shit about at the same time")
posted by nebulawindphone at 9:33 AM on December 8, 2019 [24 favorites]


I'm going to wait for the Holy Spirit PC DLC.
posted by at by at 9:39 AM on December 8, 2019 [1 favorite]


Is there a “hot coffee” mode that can be unlocked where you get to bone Mary Magdalen?
posted by Burhanistan at 9:39 AM on December 8, 2019 [5 favorites]


I bet the resurrection will be a micro-transaction...

The tomb is definitely a lootbox.
posted by Thorzdad at 9:40 AM on December 8, 2019 [5 favorites]


And of course it's White Jesus.
posted by thedward at 9:40 AM on December 8, 2019 [7 favorites]


DLC for an Infancy Gospel of Thomas prequel adventure would probably work--pretty similar vibe TBH.
posted by Wobbuffet at 9:44 AM on December 8, 2019 [2 favorites]


> Jesus Christ as a vampire makes for a very interesting metaphor.

It's a trope of sorts in fiction, both as metaphor and as literal setup, and it probably says something about it that so far the most notable book to come out is only good depending on where you currently are on the
Teenage Edgelord <--> Grown-Ass Adult emotional maturity scale.
posted by at by at 9:48 AM on December 8, 2019 [1 favorite]


Jim Sterling: Wait Until You See Priest Simulator.
posted by Pendragon at 9:54 AM on December 8, 2019 [4 favorites]


quad damage more like uh trinity damage

wait, no, let me come in again, I—

quad damage more like tetragrammatr—

hold on, i know i have something, just, gimme a minute
posted by cortex at 9:57 AM on December 8, 2019 [17 favorites]


Jesus Christ as a vampire makes for a very interesting metaphor.

But it's got the extended lore completely backwards. Traditionally Jesus has hunted vampires.

Edit: apparently the entire terrible movie is on YouTube.
posted by dephlogisticated at 9:58 AM on December 8, 2019 [6 favorites]


How about no.
posted by jquinby at 10:33 AM on December 8, 2019 [2 favorites]


Are the cheesemakers blessed or not?
posted by BeeDo at 10:36 AM on December 8, 2019 [4 favorites]


It would be an interesting, if probably blasphemous, game if there was a “choose your path” aspect — do you heal this person or that person? Which apostles get chosen? What sermons do you choose? When pressured to support the political order, what do you chose? Do you throw in with the Zealots? A different group? The Romans? Do you back away from the Passion?

Cultist Simulator is here to answer those questions for you, with an admittedly maddening interface.
posted by praemunire at 10:41 AM on December 8, 2019 [5 favorites]


Is this the start of the First Person Saviour genre?
posted by Zedcaster at 10:43 AM on December 8, 2019 [7 favorites]


Have you ever wondered to be like Him—one of the most privileged and powerful people in the world?

Summon the copywriters, the actual Jesus would like to have a word.
posted by vverse23 at 11:21 AM on December 8, 2019 [4 favorites]


Fizz: Jesus Christ as a vampire makes for a very interesting metaphor.

All the blood-based hymns I grew up with have gotta make you wonder.

"...the blood that gives me strength from day to day..."

"There is Power in the Blood"

"What can make me whole again? Nothing but the blood..."
posted by clawsoon at 11:35 AM on December 8, 2019 [7 favorites]


No no no this is great, it totally solves the problem of evil! God is technically omnipotent in that he can do anything, but his mana regenerates real slowly afterward.

Never had it occurred to me before that there could be limited omnipotence but this totally makes sense.
posted by Mitheral at 11:39 AM on December 8, 2019 [4 favorites]


Is there a “hot coffee” mode that can be unlocked where you get to bone Mary Magdalen?

[SHIFT]+{CONTROL] then type SCORSESE
posted by Sparx at 12:22 PM on December 8, 2019 [6 favorites]


Someone should port this to TempleOS.
posted by L.P. Hatecraft at 12:38 PM on December 8, 2019 [5 favorites]


Someone should port this to TempleOS.

I feel like porting this to another platform would be a good way to re-inflame the Arian controversy.
posted by Johnny Assay at 12:59 PM on December 8, 2019 [4 favorites]


GenjiandProust, you're kinda describing The Elder Scrolls: Morrowind.
posted by porpoise at 1:01 PM on December 8, 2019 [2 favorites]


This is cool but I think I'd rather play a game about being the sexy, linen-clad Beloved Disciple. Runners up: simulators of Jacob having very rough sex with YHWH, & Zepporah at the Inn, & being Jesus' very annoyed mom.
posted by Sterros at 1:07 PM on December 8, 2019 [1 favorite]


I Am Jesus Christ [YouTube][Game Trailer]

Every time I look at you, I don't understand...
posted by ricochet biscuit at 1:14 PM on December 8, 2019 [4 favorites]


Are the cheesemakers blessed or not?

Ok, I would seriously play this in Brian mode.
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 1:27 PM on December 8, 2019 [7 favorites]


There is this omnipresent book littering the truck stops and Wal-Marts of this sad region called The Complete Guide to the Bible. I have never looked inside it, but every time I pass I wonder if it tells you where to find all the disciples, or how to play as secret cross-over character Buddha, or if mentions the special DLC costume for Delilah, or if it has complete maps to the whale's stomach....

(This is perhaps of a marginal relationship with the post's subject; my real point is, there's hundreds of video game jokes you can make about Bible things. It's a promising genre.)
posted by JHarris at 1:47 PM on December 8, 2019 [4 favorites]


God is technically omnipotent in that he can do anything, but his mana regenerates real slowly afterward.

Gods being omnipotent but limited in this way is the premise of a really great novel The Raven Tower released earlier this year by Anne Leckie of Ancillary Justice fame.
posted by XMLicious at 1:50 PM on December 8, 2019 [4 favorites]


Jesus Christ as a vampire makes for a very interesting metaphor.

That's my cue to link to Fred "Slacktivist" Clark's excellent post about why vampires are repelled by crosses.
posted by straight at 2:01 PM on December 8, 2019 [4 favorites]


Mark is a speedrunner

Disagree. Mark is Early Access. The first truly playable version released to the public. Still nice to go back to when you get tired of the later bloated releases, not to mention the insane flood of DLC, mods, microtransactions, loot boxes, and remakes.

I am strangely fascinated by the fact that he has some kind of resource bar on the right that gets depleted when he performs miracles.

I'm glad that's included. When you play healer, the resource management is the heart of the game. And it's a hard thing to get right. Too little management, and it's just a pointless zerg fest. Too much, and your tank keeps yelling at you over the wipes, making everything toxic. But the right balance makes for something you can really enjoy for 2000 years or more. Despite the content largely staying the same.
posted by Teegeeack AV Club Secretary at 2:27 PM on December 8, 2019 [8 favorites]


Jesus Christ as a vampire makes for a very interesting metaphor.

Soundtrack should totally include Christian horror punk band Blaster the Rocketman.
posted by klausman at 2:33 PM on December 8, 2019


It would be an interesting, if probably blasphemous, game if there was a “choose your path” aspect — do you heal this person or that person? Which apostles get chosen? What sermons do you choose? When pressured to support the political order, what do you chose? Do you throw in with the Zealots? A different group? The Romans? Do you back away from the Passion?

Oooh, I'm intrigued. Like, what if Jesus tells Judas about where the Last Supper is going to be, but then after Judas snitches, Jesus changes the location of the Last Supper at the last minute?
posted by 23skidoo at 3:17 PM on December 8, 2019 [2 favorites]


Edit: apparently the entire terrible movie is on YouTube.

It's silly but entertaining enough, and I challenge you to find a better nondocumentary movie about the lesbian community of Ottawa.
posted by GCU Sweet and Full of Grace at 3:19 PM on December 8, 2019 [2 favorites]


My favorite part is the upgrade from White Jesus to Polish Grandma Random Jewish Woman.

I think a game like this *could* be very interesting, if more likely to appeal to the Xtian Left, if the developers were willing to commit to letting Jesus make non-Gospel choices and play through very different scenarios. This seems like the opposite of that.
posted by epj at 3:30 PM on December 8, 2019 [2 favorites]


Came for the TempleOS reference, was not disappointed. But seriously, if we all happen to live in a computer simulation, as is sometimes posited, then I hereby name the operating system of that computer the GODos. Or godOS. Whatever.
posted by jabah at 3:37 PM on December 8, 2019


The sequel is 2000 years of doing nothing but leaving your face-print in random places.
posted by zengargoyle at 3:53 PM on December 8, 2019 [6 favorites]


Cultist Simulator is here to answer those questions for you, with an admittedly maddening interface

Cultist Simulator is more about the “casting in” of demons....
posted by GenjiandProust at 4:05 PM on December 8, 2019 [2 favorites]


I Am Jesus Christ is far from the first video game to faithfully adapt the Bible: It follows so closely in the footprints of Red Sea Crossing, Billy Graham’s Bible Blaster, and Super Noah’s Ark 3D that at times it looks like there’s only one set of footprints.

Disappointed how few people are mentioning the game to which this is a true spiritual (heh) successor: Catechumen! The first-century first-person shooter (developed by N'Lightning Software) where you run around an antiquity-skinned Quake level scooping up scripture verses to replenish your health and shooting laser bolts at Roman soldiers with your Sword of the Spirit (Ephesians 6:17) until they fall to their knees in repentance as a shaft of light comes down from heaven and a snippet of the Hallelujah chorus is heard.
posted by straight at 4:36 PM on December 8, 2019 [5 favorites]


Nice work on the post title.
posted by Chrysostom at 6:37 PM on December 8, 2019


Can't wait to see the Kanye mod
posted by Fiasco da Gama at 7:39 PM on December 8, 2019


"First Video Game Designed for People Who Are Jesus Christ" my ass. Behold: the Jesus Christ RPG Trilogy! It's even free! Stuff THAT in your hotel room drawer!
posted by BiggerJ at 4:26 AM on December 9, 2019 [3 favorites]


But seriously, if we all happen to live in a computer simulation, as is sometimes posited, then I hereby name the operating system of that computer the GODos. Or godOS. Whatever.

We still haven't determined whether this is actually the case, though, so until then we're waiting for godOS.

It's the Ashkenazi pronunciation.
posted by nebulawindphone at 5:04 AM on December 9, 2019 [1 favorite]


>I feel like the theological implications of Jesus having a finite "miracle meter" are...pretty significant.

I have to assume if there could be supernatural beings like Mr. Christ's dad, they would run on the power of faith. Think how weak God would be right now if it didn't send Jesus to do some major PR work? Jesus also pioneered a lot of mana strats people just take for granted. 12 walking mana batteries of belief, gathering hungry poors in one space to cast a more efficient single air-to-fish AoE spell netting more faith than the spell cost... those sorts of moves changed the game forever.
posted by GoblinHoney at 8:29 AM on December 9, 2019 [1 favorite]


"Gods are powered by belief" is a pretty standard trope at this point. It turns up in Diskworld, and I believe AD&D2E.
posted by Chrysostom at 11:26 AM on December 9, 2019 [2 favorites]


"Gods are powered by belief" is a pretty standard trope at this point. It turns up in Diskworld, and I believe AD&D2E.

IIRC, Lord of Light, if not even further back.
posted by praemunire at 1:10 PM on December 9, 2019


This video game is a turned-up-to-eleven reflection of my view of religion and, as an American, Christianity in particular: a phenomenal that is simultaneously earnest-seeming but also a saccharine/sacrilege joke gone too far.

Christ, where do I even begin? A video game where you play as Jesus, using a repetitive cheap sound effect to carry out a child's idea of miracles complete with an MP meter in the corner? I suppose it's a natural evolution from televangelism. The kind that reiterates that "evolved" is not the same thing as "better" or "good".

Jesus and all the other characters are white, obviously, because you don't to offend your customer demographic. The game progress is related in an old bible (to appropriate the importance given ancient tomes) but conveys the real information in pictures (cause what Christian playing this game wants to read old books?) and the pictures are polaroids (which went obsolete and bankrupt over a decade now, but still considered new-tech by anyone who resisted learning how to use anything invented after they turned 35.)

Like an interstate adult megaplexxx, I'm sure plenty of Christians will decry it as blasphemy while pulling out their credit cards for preorder. This game is a Hallmark card of religious expression, overpriced and lacking three-dimensions, all while accompanied by a Lifetime movie soundtrack.

It's the kind of shit that fuckwits eat up.

I worry that the mods will take down this comment for its high-horse hostility and disgust, but... I just can't. This game makes me realize I was never cynical enough. Like Trump's presidency, it's beyond parody and exposes a banal yet horrifying realization that more people than I thought like it that way and always have. That Peloton ad, but real. Idiocracy, but literal. A CliffsNotes of the bible, but abridged and adapted for a movie directed by Michael Bay.

My god, religion is dumb.
posted by AlSweigart at 1:01 AM on December 10, 2019 [1 favorite]


Jim Sterling has a video about I Am Jesus and its publisher PlayWay, who seems to have a lot of titles in the works. It's hard to tell if this is a publicity stunt, an actual game, or a publicity stunt until they actually make it into a game.

PlayWay has actually published games, such as Thief Simulator and House Flipper. They definitely take a quantity-over-quality approach to video game publishing, though.
posted by AlSweigart at 1:22 AM on December 10, 2019


One thing about a game called I Am Jesus Christ is that messiah themes in games are exceedingly overplayed anyway. How many chosen ones have there been, have we been, over the years?
posted by JHarris at 2:53 AM on December 10, 2019


Is there a way to die in-game? Flub the Resurrection and start decomposing? Turn water into vinegar? Mis-heal lepers and make their limbs fall off? How to make Jesus fail?
posted by Burhanistan at 3:54 AM on December 10, 2019 [3 favorites]


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