Hail Santa

December 24, 2019 10:34 PM

Disturbing Vintage Christmas Cards That Aren’t Around Anymore For A Reason (SLPleatedJeans)
posted by Johnny Wallflower (31 comments total)

I laughed so hard I semi-woke up one of the children who needs to be sleeping so Santa can come. These are pretty funny.
posted by slidell at 10:41 PM on December 24, 2019 [2 favorites]

Were these written by an AI?

LOLOLOLOL
posted by Windopaene at 10:48 PM on December 24, 2019 [3 favorites]

I'm pretty sure the dead bird cards are related to the tradition of killing a wren on St Stephen's Day, one of the few things I remember from The Dark is Rising.
posted by betweenthebars at 10:53 PM on December 24, 2019 [8 favorites]

I looked up the awesome jellyfish ones and sadly, they're not real.
posted by centrifugal at 11:22 PM on December 24, 2019 [24 favorites]

well they may not be vintage but they most certainly are real

_{realler than any of you}
posted by Sauce Trough at 11:59 PM on December 24, 2019 [11 favorites]

More John Holbo: Mama in Her Kerchief and I in My Madness.
posted by slidell at 12:03 AM on December 25, 2019 [10 favorites]

The actual vintage ones are because Christmas cards predate Christmas iconography being worked out, so there was a lot of trial and error experimentation to work out what reads as 'Christmassy'.
posted by Merus at 12:54 AM on December 25, 2019 [3 favorites]

I just showed #9 to my partner, who does not understand me when I try to explain why Norman Lindsay's The Magic Pudding is deeply creepy and all sorts of fucked-up.

And even she thought it was creepy…
posted by Pinback at 2:50 AM on December 25, 2019 [1 favorite]

I'd pay good money for some of these cards.
posted by spoobnooble II: electric bugaboo at 2:59 AM on December 25, 2019 [3 favorites]

Here's another one for the collection. (From Miss Celania). OK so it's not vintage.
posted by zaixfeep at 3:50 AM on December 25, 2019 [1 favorite]

It’s a Christmas tentacle! I mean miracle.

And, in one case, testicle.
posted by GenjiandProust at 5:32 AM on December 25, 2019 [2 favorites]

Christmas is coming
Christmas is coming
it's coming it's coming it's coming it's coming
it's
here
posted by Lipstick Thespian at 5:34 AM on December 25, 2019 [1 favorite]

I wonder of any of these cards are reflective of the tradition of telling ghost stories at Christmas?
posted by Joey Michaels at 6:01 AM on December 25, 2019 [1 favorite]

The guy with the roast beef head did it for me.
posted by tommasz at 6:19 AM on December 25, 2019 [3 favorites]

M̕͢͏̥͍͓͔̱̲͕E̳͈R͙̞̗͔̺̙͜R͍̘Y̠̝̬͈͠͡ ̞̲̩͕̘̬̩ͅC̖͓̞͉͈̙̗H̷̖͈͉̱̩̫̙̕ͅR̴̻̞͓̺͍I͎͈̘̪̜͞Ș͇̙̥͙̯͇͚́T̳̠̻̪M̦͕̟͜A̘͎̻S̪̥͇̯̭̀ͅ
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 6:59 AM on December 25, 2019 [7 favorites]

Some of these seem like they're in the same vein as the "Vinegar Valentines" (cf.) that get rediscovered every so often; in that they were jokey and presumably meant to be read ironically when they were created, but sometimes the irony is lost and they just come across as surreal.

Also it seems that each generation believes that it invented irony.
posted by Kadin2048 at 7:21 AM on December 25, 2019 [9 favorites]

16 Christmas cards you’d never dare to send (h/t Miss Cellania)
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 7:38 AM on December 25, 2019 [3 favorites]

16 Christmas cards you’d never dare to send

“ A group of noisy, female suffragists wearing Edwardian dresses, and carrying whips, bricks, and pennants.”

Who wouldn’t want that for Xmas?

Also liked the image of Father Christmas after he fought the Balrog.
posted by GenjiandProust at 7:50 AM on December 25, 2019 [8 favorites]

So I am going to assume that most of these (though the jellyfish conversation above has me concerned), so does anyone know where i can get a jpeg printed into cards? A bit late for this year, but Christmas comes once a year.
posted by rtimmel at 8:54 AM on December 25, 2019

The actual vintage ones are because Christmas cards predate Christmas iconography being worked out, so there was a lot of trial and error experimentation to work out what reads as 'Christmassy'.

Which I am willing to accept on all of them except the gun-toting Santas. At what point was Santa like Batman that it required official policy that he not carry a firearm?
posted by dannyboybell at 9:36 AM on December 25, 2019 [1 favorite]

At what point was Santa like Batman that it required official policy that he not carry a firearm?

Santa-with-gun imagery remains popular these days, though more Santa-as-vigilante, rather than the old cards showing Santa as a mugger.
posted by Dip Flash at 10:45 AM on December 25, 2019 [1 favorite]

Weird Christmas has a tumblr which brings delight and confusion to my scrolling.
posted by PussKillian at 10:51 AM on December 25, 2019 [6 favorites]

Also it seems that each generation believes that it invented irony.

Don't forget sex, too!
posted by Gilgamesh's Chauffeur at 5:48 PM on December 25, 2019 [1 favorite]

I think we've all done the "Santa"/"Satan" typo.
posted by kirkaracha at 6:30 PM on December 25, 2019 [2 favorites]

Also it seems that each generation believes that it invented irony.

Don't forget sex, too!

The holidays are when I have to listen to my nephew explain how his generation does things and try and bite my tongue.
posted by bongo_x at 10:29 PM on December 25, 2019

If you like these, you might enjoy this podcast.
posted by Bloxworth Snout at 1:25 AM on December 26, 2019 [2 favorites]

I haven't had a Christmas card list in decades but I want one next year just to share these cards.
posted by bendy at 6:17 AM on December 26, 2019 [3 favorites]

Santa-with-gun imagery remains popular these days, though more Santa-as-vigilante...

Ironically, Santa is more likely to be shot with his gun than to defend himself with one.
posted by sjswitzer at 8:59 AM on December 26, 2019 [2 favorites]

I'm pretty sure the dead bird cards are related to the tradition of killing a wren on St Stephen's Day, one of the few things I remember from The Dark is Rising.

Nope. That dead bird is a robin not a wren. Robins are traditionally on Christmas cards so this is some kind of joke or Have a Horrible Christmas Card or something.

Wren boys don't kill the wren, at least not anywhere I've lived. They "hunt" a fake wren, I think in Spain they used to catch a real one and put it in a cage but not anymore, then they have a parade with the captured wrens on colorful poles and a funeral, ie a huge party. They beg and play music around houses and shops for money and donations for the funeral because the wren is the King of Birds so he needs a good one. The tradition is still alive and well and makes about as much sense as most old traditions! Fun though, which is really the point. Winter is dark and boring in northern Europe.
posted by fshgrl at 10:13 PM on December 26, 2019

I've always thought the Wren Day angle made a lot of sense. Even if the cards don't show a specific wren, the association of a small dead bird with the day would be more common during the time. Still, fshgrl's point is well taken. It's one of the two explanations I find most probable.

BTW, I just found a few more dead bird cards, and finally put together a full post of all the ones I can find:

https://weirdchristmas.com/2019/12/29/all-the-dead-birdies-for-christmas/

(I run WeirdChristmas.com, a website/podcast all about...weird Christmas things. Someone linked to an article of mine up above, which reminded me that I had a metafilter account from...over ten years ago...wow.)
posted by mummifiedstalin at 8:41 AM on December 30, 2019 [3 favorites]

Oh, and if you like all the weird cards that started this post, that's pretty much all I do on social media, posting about a dozen each day for whatever holiday is most current. Twitter, Tumblr, Facebook, Instagram, take your pick. (No TikTok yet...hehheh) And the podcast is wherever you get your podcasts. :) And now, I'm done with self-promotion...
posted by mummifiedstalin at 8:44 AM on December 30, 2019 [2 favorites]