Words Used to Describe Genitals In Fanfiction
January 3, 2020 10:04 PM   Subscribe

So at one point someone suggested we start a list of words used in fanfiction to describe genitals. After a particularly great Twilight fic was submitted, I decided to start that list.
posted by Johnny Wallflower (55 comments total) 33 users marked this as a favorite


I would argue that Muatra isn’t a euphemism to describe genitals- they *are* genitals and therefore should not be included on this list. Welcome to my TED talk.
posted by Homo neanderthalensis at 10:11 PM on January 3 [4 favorites]

I read 50 deep into the list and thought: no way yer makin this up
posted by armoir from antproof case at 11:05 PM on January 3

shit I forgot a very important comma
posted by armoir from antproof case at 11:06 PM on January 3 [16 favorites]

500 words to end a relationship quickly.
posted by justsomebodythatyouusedtoknow at 11:43 PM on January 3 [4 favorites]

Unfortunately, armoir, as a fanfic writer I can assure you they are not making anything up.
posted by HypotheticalWoman at 12:20 AM on January 4 [9 favorites]

69 on the first list and 14 on second are called out as an intended pair, and they're pretty great. 111 on the second list brings me much mirth. Thanks for this!
posted by riverlife at 12:27 AM on January 4 [1 favorite]

And this list appears to be seven years old... imagine how many more there've been since then.

("semolina pilcher" is a good one)
posted by one for the books at 12:28 AM on January 4 [3 favorites]

I beta fanfic for a hobby (a beta is kind of like a combo copywriter/editor/cheerleader depending on the writer's goals). I don't do it so much anymore but for a few years there it was my main fun activity, and I'd do stuff like sign up to pinch-hit beta for challenges and big bangs or anonymous kink memes where I'd get paired up with folks who only had the canon we were interested in in common with me and seemingly little else. It was really fun! But it also revealed the shocking array of things other people legitimately found hot in writing that I absolutely did not and vice versa.

Like, I'm very online and have been since the mid 90s so I'm full up on your kink is not my kink and that's okay, I'm fascinated with the wildly variable sexual appetites of humanity and think it's awesome, but I had no clue that people's taste in written erotica were similarly wide ranging. There are absolutely folks who would read any of those list entries in context and be totally cool with them, if not deeply turned on.

I stopped betaing so often right around the massive explosion of ABO fic. I'm sure things have gotten even more wild these days. Anyway, I leave you with the Penis Song.
posted by Mizu at 12:29 AM on January 4 [16 favorites]

Spam Blade at the Gates of Versailles

Starring Henry Cavill
posted by under_petticoat_rule at 1:06 AM on January 4 [3 favorites]

I got to orbs as a euphemism for testicles and finally! And explanation for fanfic’s beloved cerulean orbs.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 1:51 AM on January 4 [11 favorites]

Great silky spearhead of his desire (From The King’s Men by Christian Fall aka Mark Gatiss)

wait what
posted by inire at 2:45 AM on January 4 [5 favorites]

I took a linguistic anthropology class in college in the late 90s. The professor was an odd duck. One lecture was about how different populations have different specialized vocabularies. He then put a series of transparencies on the overhead that much resembled this list, culled from male-on-male erotica.

I don't remember much about the other lectures.
posted by HeroZero at 3:43 AM on January 4 [17 favorites]

The thickest oak tree in the forests of dickland

I swear 90% of these have to be Metafilter usernames already
posted by churl at 3:53 AM on January 4 [28 favorites]

363 for ‘penis’, 116 for ‘vagina’ (7 for ‘clitoris’).
posted by Segundus at 4:32 AM on January 4 [2 favorites]

I have a dictionary of euphemism that I was given in university. One enduring euphemism for genitalia (and I will let you work out what kind) that has stuck with me for decades is “eye that weeps most when best pleased.”

Perhaps from some Moll Flanders fanfic.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 5:16 AM on January 4 [9 favorites]

nobody show this to gpt2
posted by GCU Sweet and Full of Grace at 5:31 AM on January 4 [13 favorites]

I stopped betaing so often right around the massive explosion of ABO fic.

That was the point also for me where I was like, your kink is not my kink and that's okay but I gotta get off this ride now.
posted by soren_lorensen at 5:48 AM on January 4 [14 favorites]

In the spirit of Jame Joyce, please use said list in a single sentence, points for staying in list order.
posted by sammyo at 6:03 AM on January 4 [3 favorites]

I have not used this in fanfic (yet), but in conversation with Mr. daisyk this morning, I came up with "uncanny cranny" and I kind of love it.
posted by daisyk at 6:23 AM on January 4 [18 favorites]

How is there "Velvet Underground" (vagina) but no Sex Pistol
I'm going to start using that pair in everyday life
posted by daisystomper at 6:53 AM on January 4 [11 favorites]

363 for ‘penis’, 116 for ‘vagina’ (7 for ‘clitoris’).

Is this a cipher?
posted by srboisvert at 7:10 AM on January 4 [7 favorites]

363 for ‘penis’, 116 for ‘vagina’ (7 for ‘clitoris’).

And one for ‘poop’
posted by TedW at 7:17 AM on January 4

Good heavens. Doggy lipstick? Crumpet trumpet? Last night my grown offspring, who writes a great deal of white-hot fanfic, confessed to skimming the sex scenes when reading that of others, and I can see why; many of these would bounce me right out anything I was trying to read. I would be laughing uncontrollably.

I stopped writing fanfic when my own ended up turning a novel that got published (with a contract for a sequel) by a reputable house, which took all the fun out of it. The sex scenes were generally suggestive rather than organized like a technical manual.

The parents at the school where I was teaching wanted to offer it as a selection for the book fair, which taught me that parents do not read. I persuaded them not to. The middle school librarian had the sixth graders vote on their favorite first line, and they chose mine, which taught me that middle school librarians may not read either.
posted by Peach at 7:26 AM on January 4 [12 favorites]

I see luncheon meat truncheon has still yet to be recognized
posted by some loser at 8:33 AM on January 4 [7 favorites]

I wonder how much overlap there is with the 2443 terms in George Carlin's An Incomplete List of Impolite Words (not the more famous 7 words). I also see "throbbing python of love", which was the name of an early Robin Williams set.
posted by 445supermag at 8:44 AM on January 4

Cerulean orbs? Really?

"She regarded his cerulean orbs with horror."

Which is the only way to regard cerulean orbs not being sold at [tchotchke shop name of your choice], as glass paperweights, or whatever.
posted by Armed Only With Hubris at 8:52 AM on January 4 [1 favorite]

In Neal Stephenson’s most recent novel “Fall, or Dodge in Hell,” he refers to “mashing doodles together” and it’s a miracle I didn’t put the book down right there.
posted by BuddhaInABucket at 8:53 AM on January 4 [2 favorites]

His Majesty In Purple Cap was my favorite 4AD band.

I saw Gristle Missile and Throbbing Meat Truncheon open for KMFDM back in '93.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 8:55 AM on January 4 [7 favorites]

As a physician, I just need to clarify for the general, non medical reader:

There is no muscle, bone, or wood contained within the male sex organ and what comes out is not mayonnaise. Whether you choose to put it on your sandwich is entirely up to you.

💫The more you know! ™️
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 9:15 AM on January 4 [10 favorites]

CRTL + F “no-no carrot”
0 results
posted by ShawnStruck at 9:16 AM on January 4 [5 favorites]

There is no muscle, bone, or wood contained within the male sex organ...

Only if you limit yourself to human organs.
posted by TedW at 9:41 AM on January 4 [3 favorites]

If you want another thousand or so of these, read Fanny Hill. Mind blowingly filthy.
posted by BlackLeotardFront at 11:36 AM on January 4 [2 favorites]

I'm offended that there are so many more for penis than there are for vagina. Danged patriarchy gets us even here!
posted by rpfields at 11:44 AM on January 4 [1 favorite]

O hi, you must be new here. This is Earth. Welcome!
posted by Too-Ticky at 11:51 AM on January 4 [1 favorite]

I’m disappointed they didn’t list simply “area” (tm MST3K).
posted by holborne at 12:17 PM on January 4 [1 favorite]

These are just all alternate nicknames for Space Mutiny's Dave Ryder, and you know it. (Ctrl+F "Blast Hardcheese")
posted by ilana at 12:17 PM on January 4 [2 favorites]

Ctrl+F "Blast Hardcheese"

You rang?
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 12:44 PM on January 4 [7 favorites]

Tom Wolfe in The Right Stuff:

"trembling custard" for vagina

which I have never been able to get out of my head, and I have also never mentioned that fact to anyone until now. That has something to do with the context of the telling, which we don't need to go into here
posted by illongruci at 12:49 PM on January 4 [3 favorites]

Metafilter: A euphemism to describe genitals.
posted by CynicalKnight at 12:56 PM on January 4

Dammit, illongruci. I will never unsee that phrase now.
posted by Bella Donna at 12:58 PM on January 4

I feel like there needs to be a warning on this post that you will never, ever be able to unsee what's on this list.
posted by brookeb at 1:35 PM on January 4 [1 favorite]

You know you're getting old when 'naughty bits' doesn't appear in a modern FanFiction genitals list. And 'tit' is naught to be seen.

Naugt that this isn't the first such list I've seen, for which congratulations are overdue. Naughtwithstanding 'Crotch-dachsund', which is... how can I put this gently? ...
posted by Twang at 3:12 PM on January 4

I'm offended that there are so many more for penis than there are for vagina. Danged patriarchy gets us even here!

Most of the fics these came out of were probably a) written by women and b) m/m. I mean, also patriarchy, but also just a lot of women writing about dicks
posted by soren_lorensen at 3:38 PM on January 4 [6 favorites]

How can anyone write “Purple headed yogurt squirter”? I’m not talking with a straight face, I mean at all?
posted by tommasz at 4:53 PM on January 4 [1 favorite]

Tommasz, I think this is a case of the pot calling the kettle a purple headed yogurt squirter.
posted by HeroZero at 5:22 PM on January 4 [1 favorite]

Back when LJ was still the place to be, I used to run a community called "weepingcock" that was all about making fun of bad sex scenes in fanfiction.

Looking back, fandom back then could be mean and I'm not sure I'd want the community back. After all, most of these are amateur writers, and most of it's no worse than what many published writers commit. But damn, it could be hilarious.
posted by Kutsuwamushi at 9:47 PM on January 4 [11 favorites]

You ran weepingcock??? Oh man, I loved that comm! I agree that in retrospect it was maybe not the most kind-spirited all of the time, but I always felt like the majority of members (heh, members) were there for the hilarity of the purple prose itself and quite rarely to belittle the folks who did the writing.

Weepingcock totally helped me wrangle with what was pinging me as terrible vs what other people would probably also find terrible, and which among those my writers could still get away with depending on tone. I ended up betaing for a handful of ESL fic writers who would often come to English with some wildly inventive literal translations of local euphemisms and honest to god weepingcock more than once got me to convince a writer that certain phrases would break the mood and it wasn't just me being finicky. But also quite often we'd talk about it more and decide that some literal translations were delightful and should be borrowed into English immediately. And it helped me calibrate for the writing of sex scenes in professional fiction, too, which prepared me for some pretty sick burns in university lit classes.
posted by Mizu at 10:24 PM on January 4 [11 favorites]

Need to start a list of words for web designs where undismissable secondary elements block the actual content regardless of iPad orientation.
posted by bz at 10:45 AM on January 5 [1 favorite]

Kutsuwamushi, I thought I recognized your nick. ^_^ That comm was a lot of fun. (We were all crueler in those days, somehow.)

I nope out of fics a lot more quickly these days, so I haven't been seeing all that many horriblarious euphemisms. Though I did use the phrase "disgusting humongous jizz-pipe" in one of my own stories (appropriate entitled "Not Sexy at All").
posted by velvet_n_purrs at 2:19 PM on January 5

Harry’s cold cauldron (idk)

IDK, really? I mean who hasn’t spent some quality time in Harry’s cold cauldron (formerly Terry’s broth boiler before the batteries ran out). What is this - amateur hour?
posted by inflatablekiwi at 6:50 PM on January 5

Where on earth are you guys finding your fanfic? No, wait, don't tell me, so I never have to go there.

I spend all of my fanfic time on AO3 sorting by kudos - and haven't run into anything more exciting than "dick" instead of "cock" in years. This includes extensive readings in the MCU tagset -- so I can only assume you guys are doing this wrong.

(Sooooooooo very, very wrong!)
posted by invincible summer at 8:09 AM on January 7

AO3 was founded in 2009 and it took a while for it become the central archive it is now.

Sorting by kudos has changed fandom experience a lot. Personally, I think sometimes for the worse, although I sort my results that way quite often too.
posted by Kutsuwamushi at 1:51 PM on January 16 [1 favorite]

Croatia has enchanting words for genitalia. Why doesn't the UK? (Adrian Chiles, Guardian)
I am friends with a Croatian couple who translate erotic fiction. This is eye-opening – not least my realisation that the UK doesn’t have nearly enough female-friendly euphemisms.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 7:40 PM on January 16 [1 favorite]

One of my favourite moments in Blackadder is when he goes to the doctor about his ‘inappropriate’ feelings for ‘Bob’...

- Now then, what seems to be the trouble?
- Well...it's my manservant.
- Yes, well, don't be embarrassed. If you've got the pox, just pop your 'manservant' on the table and we'll have a look at it,shall we?

posted by Segundus at 9:12 AM on January 19

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