Was this swaddle for a girl baby or a boy baby?
February 22, 2020 7:09 AM Subscribe
A century ago, we swaddled infants in basic gowns. Why is that so hard now? How we ended up in a culture so obsessed with the gender identity of infants turns out to be a complicated, century-long tale involving everything from Sigmund Freud to 1980s advances in medical technology.
For parents, there’s lots we want to say: We like the Ramones
(raises hand, sheepishly)
posted by 41swans at 7:39 AM on February 22, 2020 [3 favorites]
(raises hand, sheepishly)
posted by 41swans at 7:39 AM on February 22, 2020 [3 favorites]
There’s a real deep thread of misogyny and homophobia and transphobia in a lot of the gendering of infant and kid clothes. It’s way more acceptable to dress a six month old girl in a red onesie with a truck than to dress a boy of the same age in a pink onesie with ruffles.
We’ve been fighting this battle in connection with our three year old — showing him the Wonder Woman movie proactively, unashamedly buying him a Wonder Woman shirts when he asks from the girls section at Target, buying a dollhouse and playing with it with him, encouraging him when he showed an interest in my nail polish, among other things. It helps that I’m a cis lady with a corporate job and my husband is a bearded, bald cis male full-time parent who makes dinners and does laundry and 80% of the child care. It helps even more that our kid’s number 1 great hero senpai is the seven year old boy next door, who plays Madden and traveling football and basketball, but also loves getting manicures with colorful nail polish with his mom and wearing hot pink sneakers.
What does not help are grandparents on both sides telling our kid that “boys don’t wear nail polish.” We’ve had to have some pretty blunt conversations and will have a lot more if my parents don’t stop, because besides being wrong, their particular brand of Chinese-based misogyny poisoned huge tracts of my self image until I was in my 30’s.
Gratifyingly, the kid has been pushing back most of the time when my parents try this. On Thursday, the kid said he wanted to be a daddy when he grew up, and my father, being the person he is, said he’d need to find a woman to be the mommy. And my kid said, “No, two daddies.” My father replied, “No, you have to have a mommy. If there isn’t a mommy, you can’t have babies.”
And my kid deadass looks him on the eye over the mall food court grilled cheese and says, “OK. Two dads and a mommy.”
posted by joyceanmachine at 7:40 AM on February 22, 2020 [123 favorites]
We’ve been fighting this battle in connection with our three year old — showing him the Wonder Woman movie proactively, unashamedly buying him a Wonder Woman shirts when he asks from the girls section at Target, buying a dollhouse and playing with it with him, encouraging him when he showed an interest in my nail polish, among other things. It helps that I’m a cis lady with a corporate job and my husband is a bearded, bald cis male full-time parent who makes dinners and does laundry and 80% of the child care. It helps even more that our kid’s number 1 great hero senpai is the seven year old boy next door, who plays Madden and traveling football and basketball, but also loves getting manicures with colorful nail polish with his mom and wearing hot pink sneakers.
What does not help are grandparents on both sides telling our kid that “boys don’t wear nail polish.” We’ve had to have some pretty blunt conversations and will have a lot more if my parents don’t stop, because besides being wrong, their particular brand of Chinese-based misogyny poisoned huge tracts of my self image until I was in my 30’s.
Gratifyingly, the kid has been pushing back most of the time when my parents try this. On Thursday, the kid said he wanted to be a daddy when he grew up, and my father, being the person he is, said he’d need to find a woman to be the mommy. And my kid said, “No, two daddies.” My father replied, “No, you have to have a mommy. If there isn’t a mommy, you can’t have babies.”
And my kid deadass looks him on the eye over the mall food court grilled cheese and says, “OK. Two dads and a mommy.”
posted by joyceanmachine at 7:40 AM on February 22, 2020 [123 favorites]
Finding out that gender reveal parties existed and are something people actually do was a real are-we-the-baddies moment for me.
posted by mhoye at 7:55 AM on February 22, 2020 [13 favorites]
posted by mhoye at 7:55 AM on February 22, 2020 [13 favorites]
You know the pink tax where crap costs more when marketed toward women? I find the opposite in thrift stores. E.g. all the ‘boy’ boots are picked over and trashed, the ‘girl’ boots are plentiful and in good shape. This is more notable in outdoorsy stuff, but even applies to basic indoor clothes. Maybe people buy more new clothes more often for girls and so donate more needlessly girl-gendered stuff?
Anyway, guess whose (boy) toddler is sporting lot of pink and purple gear this winter, at a grand cost of ~$18 for the season!
posted by SaltySalticid at 8:35 AM on February 22, 2020 [11 favorites]
Anyway, guess whose (boy) toddler is sporting lot of pink and purple gear this winter, at a grand cost of ~$18 for the season!
posted by SaltySalticid at 8:35 AM on February 22, 2020 [11 favorites]
Finding out that gender reveal parties existed and are something people actually do was a real are-we-the-baddies moment for me.
I was mostly surprised and confused to find out that people had them for babies, whose gender is not yet known, rather than the adults or kids who have recently figured out their gender.
posted by Margalo Epps at 8:41 AM on February 22, 2020 [15 favorites]
I was mostly surprised and confused to find out that people had them for babies, whose gender is not yet known, rather than the adults or kids who have recently figured out their gender.
posted by Margalo Epps at 8:41 AM on February 22, 2020 [15 favorites]
If you sell clothing that is rigidly gendered, people have to buy new clothes if the next child is a different gender because, Capitalism. My child is an adult now, and when I had him, Oshkosh overalls were non-gendered. Within a few years, I noticed that they started adding a truck or something for boys, and lace, ruffles of pleats for girls. Nah, they're overalls, totally unnecessary. And I hate 'outfits', just want to dress the kid in clothes where you pull out a onesie and some pants, a little jacket and go.
Kids socks. You buy a 6 pack, and you get 2 each of 3 colors. Babies lose those little socks, the washer eats them, and lots of people will buy more socks because they want them to match. Life's too short for that.
Now I have grandbabies and on a recent visit to Target, not only is everything gendered, most clothing has sayings or ugly pictures, and a huge proportion of girls' clothing has glitter, sequins or both, to say nothing about the pink and the stupid sayings. It makes me want to buy a flamethrower - is that something I can open carry into Target?
posted by theora55 at 8:41 AM on February 22, 2020 [13 favorites]
Kids socks. You buy a 6 pack, and you get 2 each of 3 colors. Babies lose those little socks, the washer eats them, and lots of people will buy more socks because they want them to match. Life's too short for that.
Now I have grandbabies and on a recent visit to Target, not only is everything gendered, most clothing has sayings or ugly pictures, and a huge proportion of girls' clothing has glitter, sequins or both, to say nothing about the pink and the stupid sayings. It makes me want to buy a flamethrower - is that something I can open carry into Target?
posted by theora55 at 8:41 AM on February 22, 2020 [13 favorites]
Pushing heavily gendered stuff is also a way of Selling More Shit, which IMO is almost always the big reason behind trends in contemporary society.
posted by SoberHighland at 8:42 AM on February 22, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by SoberHighland at 8:42 AM on February 22, 2020 [1 favorite]
For my wife (from Germany) and I (from Canada) this has been one of the most consistently weird things about raising kids in the US. We haven't really raised kids any where else, so it's hard for us to gauge how different it really is in our countries of origin, but it certainly seems pretty different to both of us.
Both our kids are in a fantastic daycare in New York city of all places, but we still feel like there's a lot of gender normativity going on.
posted by Alex404 at 10:00 AM on February 22, 2020 [1 favorite]
Both our kids are in a fantastic daycare in New York city of all places, but we still feel like there's a lot of gender normativity going on.
posted by Alex404 at 10:00 AM on February 22, 2020 [1 favorite]
Realistically, having just started my fifth load of laundry of the past 24 hours, I think a lot of it has to do with the existence of washing machines and fixed dyes. When you have to wash all your clothes and sheets by hand you really want that shit to be white and hardy.
posted by bq at 10:08 AM on February 22, 2020 [6 favorites]
posted by bq at 10:08 AM on February 22, 2020 [6 favorites]
I've got a tiny human who is a girl, as far as we know, and who doesn't have much hair. We've tried to have a balance of stuff in her wardrobe, and have freely shopped in both boys and girls aisles for her.
The issue (?) that we've run into is that unmarked = masculine, and, since she has really short hair still, if she's not in heavily female gendered stuff, she gets called "he" by strangers. So to a certain extent, I understand the "need to put ribbon and bows on everything" impulse if you don't want to deal with that because also hooo boy does the heterosocialization start early, and when you combine those things, you get the sweet old lady at the grocery store saying "I think he's flirting with me!" in reference to your 1 year old daughter, and you just have to smile and nod because unpacking that statement would take too long to go through in the produce section.
posted by damayanti at 10:48 AM on February 22, 2020 [14 favorites]
The issue (?) that we've run into is that unmarked = masculine, and, since she has really short hair still, if she's not in heavily female gendered stuff, she gets called "he" by strangers. So to a certain extent, I understand the "need to put ribbon and bows on everything" impulse if you don't want to deal with that because also hooo boy does the heterosocialization start early, and when you combine those things, you get the sweet old lady at the grocery store saying "I think he's flirting with me!" in reference to your 1 year old daughter, and you just have to smile and nod because unpacking that statement would take too long to go through in the produce section.
posted by damayanti at 10:48 AM on February 22, 2020 [14 favorites]
If you think someone is misgendering your baby, it might you!
The whole notion that using a wrong grammatical gender for a tiny human is a big offense is itself a pretty fraught position that smacks of misogyny or at least a weirdly devoted gender essentialism.
Like if you call my kid a girl bc of pink boots and long hair that says more about you than him; why should I care?
Nb to be clear this is a general comment, not accusing anyone here of misogyny!
posted by SaltySalticid at 10:57 AM on February 22, 2020 [2 favorites]
The whole notion that using a wrong grammatical gender for a tiny human is a big offense is itself a pretty fraught position that smacks of misogyny or at least a weirdly devoted gender essentialism.
Like if you call my kid a girl bc of pink boots and long hair that says more about you than him; why should I care?
Nb to be clear this is a general comment, not accusing anyone here of misogyny!
posted by SaltySalticid at 10:57 AM on February 22, 2020 [2 favorites]
Not wanting to derail here, but genuine question, SaltySalticid, what's your go-to in those situations? I usually just ignore it if it's a passing interaction with a stranger (see: lady in the grocery store who didn't get a talking to about assuming both gender and sexual orientation of a 14 month old) because it doesn't bother me, but there's some situations where I'm having one of those weird ongoing talking-to-kid-but-also-sort-of-talking-to-each-other interactions with another parent where my kid will get gendered in some way. ("Please share your truck with that other little boy!") and a subtle correction from me will often lead to profuse, repeated apologies from the other parent.
Like, what's the best way to do gentle Gender 101 in the kid's museum?
posted by damayanti at 11:27 AM on February 22, 2020 [1 favorite]
Like, what's the best way to do gentle Gender 101 in the kid's museum?
posted by damayanti at 11:27 AM on February 22, 2020 [1 favorite]
damayanti: “Until she can tell us otherwise we’re assuming she’s a little girl”
posted by nikaspark at 11:31 AM on February 22, 2020 [9 favorites]
posted by nikaspark at 11:31 AM on February 22, 2020 [9 favorites]
lead to profuse, repeated apologies from the other parent.
Like, what's the best way to do gentle Gender 101 in the kid's museum?
My tactic was to not engage on it. Very neutral tone, “Don’t worry about it, really. How old is your kiddo?” The only people who seemed to get really stuck on it were old people. I just wouldn’t engage, I’d just attempt to redirect or leave.
The hardest thing for me has been to ungender my own random talk. There’s no need to say, “how old is your boy?” when I can just use the word kid or baby or “little one.” Use they or them in most situations. It’s a small thing that I think really makes a big difference to the mindset of myself and the people I’m talking with.
posted by amanda at 12:09 PM on February 22, 2020 [8 favorites]
Like, what's the best way to do gentle Gender 101 in the kid's museum?
My tactic was to not engage on it. Very neutral tone, “Don’t worry about it, really. How old is your kiddo?” The only people who seemed to get really stuck on it were old people. I just wouldn’t engage, I’d just attempt to redirect or leave.
The hardest thing for me has been to ungender my own random talk. There’s no need to say, “how old is your boy?” when I can just use the word kid or baby or “little one.” Use they or them in most situations. It’s a small thing that I think really makes a big difference to the mindset of myself and the people I’m talking with.
posted by amanda at 12:09 PM on February 22, 2020 [8 favorites]
My next door neighbors have two great little kids. My wife and I get along with them all, and we see each other often in our shared backyards and decks, especially in warm weather. Smart kids who like to talk and play with us and tell us about all kinds of stuff.
Their very sweet little seven year old girl just became a little boy a few months ago. The kid and his parents changed his name from a traditionally female-sounding name to a new, fairly traditional male sounding name. The parents told us about this casually but firmly and matter-of-factly (we only have known them for about a year), and the kids shared pictures and stories with us about a school party they all had celebrating and announcing this change.
Just an anecdote. And I don't know the details beyond any of this, nor is it any of my business. I'm just happy to hear that situations like this are being dealt with in a non-judgmental or not-horrible way these days—at least sometimes. I have no idea how frequently stuff like this happens, or any other details. I know the kid and parents are seeing counselors about this, and it was a carefully made decision (apparently this kid had chosen some, uh... not "acceptable" names for her new identity, and the parents worked with her to choose something they all could live with). So the parents discuss this with us, we have not asked any prying questions for sure. I think the parents just want it out in the open.
All I know is it made me think just how weird all this early gendering really is to begin with. I did not think of these kids in a sex-specific way before, and I certainly never thought about their genitals or their future sex behaviors! They're just little kids! Why would I? What exactly about which sex they are has any bearing on me, my wife, or our relationship with them? Zero. Except for tangential cultural reasons that have no weight or bearing.
Also made me think how... differently... their situation might have played out even a decade ago. Or fifty years ago. Etc.
Just wanted to share, at least some positive changes happen from time to time.
posted by SoberHighland at 12:30 PM on February 22, 2020 [4 favorites]
Their very sweet little seven year old girl just became a little boy a few months ago. The kid and his parents changed his name from a traditionally female-sounding name to a new, fairly traditional male sounding name. The parents told us about this casually but firmly and matter-of-factly (we only have known them for about a year), and the kids shared pictures and stories with us about a school party they all had celebrating and announcing this change.
Just an anecdote. And I don't know the details beyond any of this, nor is it any of my business. I'm just happy to hear that situations like this are being dealt with in a non-judgmental or not-horrible way these days—at least sometimes. I have no idea how frequently stuff like this happens, or any other details. I know the kid and parents are seeing counselors about this, and it was a carefully made decision (apparently this kid had chosen some, uh... not "acceptable" names for her new identity, and the parents worked with her to choose something they all could live with). So the parents discuss this with us, we have not asked any prying questions for sure. I think the parents just want it out in the open.
All I know is it made me think just how weird all this early gendering really is to begin with. I did not think of these kids in a sex-specific way before, and I certainly never thought about their genitals or their future sex behaviors! They're just little kids! Why would I? What exactly about which sex they are has any bearing on me, my wife, or our relationship with them? Zero. Except for tangential cultural reasons that have no weight or bearing.
Also made me think how... differently... their situation might have played out even a decade ago. Or fifty years ago. Etc.
Just wanted to share, at least some positive changes happen from time to time.
posted by SoberHighland at 12:30 PM on February 22, 2020 [4 favorites]
Pushing heavily gendered stuff is also a way of Selling More Shit, which IMO is almost always the big reason behind trends in contemporary society.
Another genius tactic is to sell unisex stuff -- or at least not heavily gendered stuff -- at a markup and target the people who are willing to pay more to opt out of the princess-industrial complex. When I was buying things for my daughter* during her infant, toddler and preschooler years, it did not escape my attention that the more stringently gendered clothing like message t-shirts and glittery tulle skirts/dreses and ruffled everything was both abundant and low-cost. Compare that to unisex basics from someplace like Primary.
I like Primary and think the clothing is a good value (and it holds up long enough for make to make back 50% on consignment) but being able to pay $14 per t-shirt for a child is a privilege. It's not unlike paying for organic dairy or produce in that the consumer is both willing to pay more for something they're convinced is good for familial well-being and forced to ask why this feature isn't accessible at multiple price points.
* She's adamant she's a girl, so I'm fine with referring to her thusly.
posted by sobell at 1:33 PM on February 22, 2020 [2 favorites]
Another genius tactic is to sell unisex stuff -- or at least not heavily gendered stuff -- at a markup and target the people who are willing to pay more to opt out of the princess-industrial complex. When I was buying things for my daughter* during her infant, toddler and preschooler years, it did not escape my attention that the more stringently gendered clothing like message t-shirts and glittery tulle skirts/dreses and ruffled everything was both abundant and low-cost. Compare that to unisex basics from someplace like Primary.
I like Primary and think the clothing is a good value (and it holds up long enough for make to make back 50% on consignment) but being able to pay $14 per t-shirt for a child is a privilege. It's not unlike paying for organic dairy or produce in that the consumer is both willing to pay more for something they're convinced is good for familial well-being and forced to ask why this feature isn't accessible at multiple price points.
* She's adamant she's a girl, so I'm fine with referring to her thusly.
posted by sobell at 1:33 PM on February 22, 2020 [2 favorites]
Realistically, having just started my fifth load of laundry of the past 24 hours, I think a lot of it has to do with the existence of washing machines and fixed dyes. When you have to wash all your clothes and sheets by hand you really want that shit to be white and hardy.
posted by bq at 10:08 AM on February 22 [2 favorites −] Favorite added! [!]
As a single mother of two, everyone in my household got to wear black, grey or white (maybe dark blue because it could go in the black and grey wash). Yes, there were concerned grandparents and complete strangers and yes, sometimes the kids wanted a bit of variation. But I still strongly recommend this approach. Even the children realized at a relatively young age that they had a cool, urban style.
posted by mumimor at 2:06 PM on February 22, 2020 [3 favorites]
posted by bq at 10:08 AM on February 22 [2 favorites −] Favorite added! [!]
As a single mother of two, everyone in my household got to wear black, grey or white (maybe dark blue because it could go in the black and grey wash). Yes, there were concerned grandparents and complete strangers and yes, sometimes the kids wanted a bit of variation. But I still strongly recommend this approach. Even the children realized at a relatively young age that they had a cool, urban style.
posted by mumimor at 2:06 PM on February 22, 2020 [3 favorites]
See also: r/pointlessly gendered for all ages.
posted by KleenexMakesaVeryGoodHat at 2:13 PM on February 22, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by KleenexMakesaVeryGoodHat at 2:13 PM on February 22, 2020 [1 favorite]
I never cared if people thought my baby (who was, after all, extremely beautiful, if I do say so myself) was a girl, but I noticed it did seem to make them pretty upset when it happened.
posted by bq at 3:47 PM on February 22, 2020
posted by bq at 3:47 PM on February 22, 2020
IF we were to have a child these days I'd say "they haven't told us yet so until then we're going with velociraptor ... and they're hungry. For your safety, please stay back at least 9 metres." Because I'd rather anyone who asked what was in my baby's pants to be as far away as possible.
posted by seanmpuckett at 3:55 PM on February 22, 2020 [4 favorites]
posted by seanmpuckett at 3:55 PM on February 22, 2020 [4 favorites]
Same as bq- When my son was little, his hair was fairly long, he's always been good-looking, and for a while he was wearing a pink winter coat, handed down from his sister. There was a guy at the drug store counter who was saying how beautiful she was, When we informed him it was a boy, he got furious, so what was in his head??
As for me, I wore nightgowns to bed for decades. I understand that now they are called nightshirts if they are for men, but there are none for sale in any store within 50 miles, so I don't think even calling them nightshirts is masculine enough around my part of the world.
posted by MtDewd at 4:18 PM on February 22, 2020 [2 favorites]
As for me, I wore nightgowns to bed for decades. I understand that now they are called nightshirts if they are for men, but there are none for sale in any store within 50 miles, so I don't think even calling them nightshirts is masculine enough around my part of the world.
posted by MtDewd at 4:18 PM on February 22, 2020 [2 favorites]
Like, what's the best way to do gentle Gender 101 in the kid's museum?
I don’t have all the answers, and I struggle with it too, that’s why your comment sparked my ire at the world!
I will say this: in my limited experience I do best when I don’t correct anyone on the pronouns my kid is used to hearing. That’s often awkward for sure.
Instead I just accept it and allow my kid to do so also. Then I use the pronouns we are more used to: sometimes with a little emphasis in volume and enunciation.
I’m not sure if it’s really the best tactic but it seems to work for us so far!
posted by SaltySalticid at 5:40 PM on February 22, 2020 [2 favorites]
I don’t have all the answers, and I struggle with it too, that’s why your comment sparked my ire at the world!
I will say this: in my limited experience I do best when I don’t correct anyone on the pronouns my kid is used to hearing. That’s often awkward for sure.
Instead I just accept it and allow my kid to do so also. Then I use the pronouns we are more used to: sometimes with a little emphasis in volume and enunciation.
I’m not sure if it’s really the best tactic but it seems to work for us so far!
posted by SaltySalticid at 5:40 PM on February 22, 2020 [2 favorites]
I’m grateful for Steven Universe giving my kid words for her experience of misgendering. She is currently preferring girl, but she has days of being “like Jonathan (Van ness) and Stevonnie” and she expresses herself through clothes so her wardrobe is relatively bursting. I don’t know what gender she will be, but watching her try it out from toddlerhood to school age has made me think more about gender and conclude that I’m just me, non-binary.
When people misgender her, she doesn’t respond but gives them a dead stare. I say the pronouns she uses loudly. Hair and clothes are such big markers and she mixes hers up so I understand the confusion from people. She’s learning to just state who she is or shrug it off if it’s a stranger.
My older kids are so very very gendered and strongly comfortable in it. They came from a culture with different gender rules and watching them adapt and combine the rules was also been very interesting. They are feminists but for them their gender is a set position. The contrast with the youngest is stark.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 8:19 PM on February 22, 2020 [2 favorites]
When people misgender her, she doesn’t respond but gives them a dead stare. I say the pronouns she uses loudly. Hair and clothes are such big markers and she mixes hers up so I understand the confusion from people. She’s learning to just state who she is or shrug it off if it’s a stranger.
My older kids are so very very gendered and strongly comfortable in it. They came from a culture with different gender rules and watching them adapt and combine the rules was also been very interesting. They are feminists but for them their gender is a set position. The contrast with the youngest is stark.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 8:19 PM on February 22, 2020 [2 favorites]
I'm not finding out which bits our baby has until it's born, but I have had fun saying things like "find out it's gender? Well, gender is a social construct so technically it doesn't have one yet... Oh you mean the sex?"
I think there is a segment of society that has tried to use gender as the more polite word and to avoid saying SEX, heh heh.
Re gender neutral clothes, all I wanted to buy was a little hat in a plain non pink non blue colour. I realised that since I don't know boy/girl maybe they just want me to buy both!!
posted by freethefeet at 3:09 AM on February 23, 2020 [4 favorites]
I think there is a segment of society that has tried to use gender as the more polite word and to avoid saying SEX, heh heh.
Re gender neutral clothes, all I wanted to buy was a little hat in a plain non pink non blue colour. I realised that since I don't know boy/girl maybe they just want me to buy both!!
posted by freethefeet at 3:09 AM on February 23, 2020 [4 favorites]
I was personally surprised to learn how difficult I found it to deliberately put my baby boy in girly clothes. Gender neutral teal or white and black, no problem, but I wasn't naturally inclined to buy the clothes with ruffles for him. It was uncomfortable to learn I wasn't as chill as I expected to be. I think we're doing ok now at two as his favorite color is pink, the pink and purple socks are the first he picks and the rest of his favorite clothes are all rainbow stripes.
In case anyone needs a gender neutral swaddle for a baby gift, this miracle blanket one is the best.
posted by carolr at 6:10 AM on February 23, 2020 [4 favorites]
In case anyone needs a gender neutral swaddle for a baby gift, this miracle blanket one is the best.
posted by carolr at 6:10 AM on February 23, 2020 [4 favorites]
A friend posted this the other day, which I love. I particularly love this introductory paragraph (bolding mine):
My 16-year-old, 6'2" son is comfortable with his gender identity as a boy, but he has always preferred feminine gender expression, largely because boys' clothes are so boring. Now that he's a teenager, his style of dress shifts between baggy sweats and femme-fabulous.
posted by Ben Trismegistus at 12:27 PM on February 24, 2020 [2 favorites]
My name is C.J. and I’m 13 years old. I am a member of the LGBTQ community. My gender identity is male and my gender expression is female. That means that I’m awesome. Just kidding. It means that I was identified male at birth and I like my male body and I prefer male pronouns, but the way I dress and the things I like are considered feminine (whatever that means). Another way to describe me is gender nonconforming or gender creative.In my opinion, the next big thought-shift is going to be separating gender identity from gender expression (and separating both from sexual orientation - there's nothing in the essay suggesting that CJ is gay or straight or otherwise). I think a lot of otherwise well-meaning parents assume that a boy who wants to dress like a girl must be trans (or at least gay), but there's no reason for those things to go together. Gender identity is largely a social construct, but gender expression is REALLY a social construct, as others have said here.
My 16-year-old, 6'2" son is comfortable with his gender identity as a boy, but he has always preferred feminine gender expression, largely because boys' clothes are so boring. Now that he's a teenager, his style of dress shifts between baggy sweats and femme-fabulous.
posted by Ben Trismegistus at 12:27 PM on February 24, 2020 [2 favorites]
My boyfriend’s wedding dress unveiled my own shortcomings over masculinity
This was in the Guardian, and I thought it was interesting. Men who are comfortable enough in their own skin to wear whatever they please are wonderful to be with, regardless of who they prefer to have sex with.
posted by mumimor at 1:19 PM on February 24, 2020 [1 favorite]
This was in the Guardian, and I thought it was interesting. Men who are comfortable enough in their own skin to wear whatever they please are wonderful to be with, regardless of who they prefer to have sex with.
posted by mumimor at 1:19 PM on February 24, 2020 [1 favorite]
As someone who grew up short-haired, preferring pants and was occasionally misgenered by strangers, I'm also surprised how resistant I've been to overtly girly/feminine clothing for anyone. I was ornery enough (& secure in my gender) to not care too much what other people thought of my outfits. But having kids is an exercise in reevaluating personal autonomy, and I struggle between buying lots of practical kids dresses because that is only what Little Purr will wear, and trying to encourage other types of personal expression. (we have so many fun tshirts that are never worn ;_;) I have to keep reminding myself that it's the patriarchy that says girly=bad/lesser/etc, and if Little Purr wants to gravitate towards dresses, makeup, and accessories, that's ok! As much as Sam from Lego Masters has been a jerk to his partner, it's been good for us to be able to point to him and say that boys can like flowers, braids, and dresses, just like girls can wear pants and like math, science, and Lego.
posted by Hermeowne Grangepurr at 1:42 PM on February 24, 2020
posted by Hermeowne Grangepurr at 1:42 PM on February 24, 2020
When mumi was a little girl, she wanted to have a girls only disco party for her birthday, where everyone was dressed up as a disco dancer, and there would be lights and music and whatever. When the day arrived, all the girls came dressed up as best as a 9 year old can, except one girl, whose mum had gone all in and made a beauty pageant disco queen out of her daughter. After about 10 minutes of disco magic, provided by my real DJ and stripper friends, all the girls retreated to mumi's room, to do normal 9-year old stuff, most of it not very "feminine". The disco queen was tired and frustrated, but we worked it out.
The reviews were good, but the kids liked the previous birthday better. Back then the boys were invited, and we did a treasure hunt outdoors where everyone was scared to tears and soaked because it rained so we had to use all our towels and sheets to dry up in. YMMV.
posted by mumimor at 3:23 PM on February 24, 2020
The reviews were good, but the kids liked the previous birthday better. Back then the boys were invited, and we did a treasure hunt outdoors where everyone was scared to tears and soaked because it rained so we had to use all our towels and sheets to dry up in. YMMV.
posted by mumimor at 3:23 PM on February 24, 2020
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Fortunately, there are companies out there making gender neutral clothing. Of course, it's more expensive than, say, the stuff you'll find at Target, but maybe eventually prices will come down when everyone is making gender neutral clothing.
posted by cooker girl at 7:20 AM on February 22, 2020 [4 favorites]