One thing about him is that he be lactose intolerant, and so there be

February 28, 2020 7:42 AM

Learning the Ropes, by Simon Rich, at the New Yorker. A salty tale of Black Bones the pirate and his ice-hearted roving partner Rotten Pete. “The only man I trust is me First Mate, Rotten Pete the Scoundrel, and I only trust him as far as I can keep me eye peeled on his hook hand. Rotten Pete is so rotten, he’d sell his mother for a piece-of-eight. I’ve seen him stab his peg leg through his brother’s screaming face, just to have himself a laugh. He’s got a black beard right up to his eyes and he loves to keep it slick with dead men’s blood.”
posted by mwhybark (13 comments total)

This be excellent and surprisingly poignant. Arr.
posted by slimepuppy at 7:58 AM on February 28, 2020 [1 favorite]

This be the plot of Monsters Inc. except with pirates.
posted by jenfullmoon at 8:03 AM on February 28, 2020 [2 favorites]

This is not by Frank Rich but by the son of Frank Rich. Simon Rich. unless I'm missing something
posted by trig at 8:21 AM on February 28, 2020 [2 favorites]

This is indeed Pixar-level adorable. I would like to see fan comics of it.
posted by Countess Elena at 8:36 AM on February 28, 2020 [1 favorite]

D’OH

I’ve committed one of the classic blunders!

Will flag. Thank you.
posted by mwhybark at 8:58 AM on February 28, 2020

I couldn't finish it. The Pirates should keep in dialect, or just use modern English. Every conjugated "be" reads like a speed bump.

I'm sure it's a cute story: I got far enough to see that. Probably I be a mere anal-retentive pantywaist. Arrgh.
posted by Aardvark Cheeselog at 9:05 AM on February 28, 2020

Mod note: I have Simonized the post text.
posted by cortex (staff) at 9:15 AM on February 28, 2020 [3 favorites]

Every conjugated "be" reads like a speed bump.

You sure he wasn't just saying "Arrr!"?
posted by sjswitzer at 9:23 AM on February 28, 2020 [1 favorite]

Reminds me of one of my favorite "dad joke" signs that a local business put up: "To err is human, to Arr is Pirate"
posted by drewbage1847 at 9:29 AM on February 28, 2020 [2 favorites]

Sigh. It’s “yar” not “arrr.” Classic faux-pirate mistake.

*rolls remaining eye.*
posted by GenjiandProust at 9:33 AM on February 28, 2020 [5 favorites]

"Kirsten Treasure Screamface" is my new sock puppet account.
posted by briank at 9:38 AM on February 28, 2020 [2 favorites]

Love Simon Rich, though I (sadly) don't think this is one of his strongest pieces. It's possible the pirates theme just doesn't do that much for me.
posted by crazy with stars at 9:55 AM on February 28, 2020

I liked it; thanks for posting it.
posted by LobsterMitten at 7:20 AM on February 29, 2020 [1 favorite]